Taxi (1978–1983): Season 3, Episode 5 - Going Home - full transcript

After a private investigator hired by Jim's father tracks him down, Jim and Alex pay a visit to Jim's father.

( theme music playing )

My name is Spencer.
I'm an investigator.

I'm looking
for a Jim Ignatowski.

Ohh...

I guess that's Ignatowski.

Yeah, well, uh,
it could be. Uh...

do you have business
with Mr. Ignatowski?

Well, like I said,
I'm a private investigator.

I was hired to find him.

Oh.

Is the fuzz still here?



Only on your brain.

He ain't the fuzz, Jim.

He's a private dick.

Oh, Mr. Ignatowski.

You sure have been
a hard man to find.

Well, I've been
in the bathroom.

You know, it's
pretty difficult

tracking down a man

whose last known address
was a '63 Volkswagen.

And then, what
really threw me off

was the name change.

You used to be
Jim Caldwell, right?

Jim, you changed your name
to Ignatowski?

Yeah. You know...



it was the '60s

and everybody
was changing their names

to stuff like
Sunshine, Free...

Moon Unit.

Well, Jim, why Ignatowski?

Huh!

Say it backwards.

Ikswotangi.

Uh-oh.

That's not even close
to "Star Child," is it?

Well, look, my job
here is to deliver this

to Mr. Ignatowski.

Here you are.

Thanks.

See you around.
Okay.

What is it?

What's...
what is it?

What is it, Jim?
Wow.

What is it?

It's written in some
strange language

unknown on this planet.

Jim, Jim...

Who's it from?

Where... where
do I find that?

There.

It's from my father.

It's been a lot...

lot of years,
lots of years...

years and years...

ALEX:
Jim, Jim?

Pardon my intrusion.

That's okay.
I didn't even hear it.

No, no. Jim, Jim...

what does... what does
your father want?

Now, where do I
find that?

Huh? Here. Give me this.
Let me see that.

Hey, look at this.
He sent him

two plane tickets...

to Boston.
First class.

Hey...
Wait a minute.

( chuckles )

A limousine will
pick you up there.

Says he's getting
along in years.

He was making

out his will and he decided

that he wanted to see
his family again.

Wow.

Is your father wealthy, Jim?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He-he's rich.

We lived on a big ranch.

My dad taught me
how to be a man.

Huh?

Me and my
two brothers--

little Joe and Hoss.

Jim, that's Bonanza.

Oh, yeah.

But my father's wealthy.

A very wealthy man.

In fact,
he's probably a millionaire.

This is incredible.

My God, you know,
you are the last person

that I'd expect from this garage

to have come
from the upper crust.

Hey, Jim, how come
you're not rich, too?

Well, uh, Dad and I had
a parting of the ways.

He threw me out of the house.

I see.

So, uh, you think
you'll go home?

I don't know.

Be interesting to see him.

You know, it's a terrible thing

to forget the kind of people
you come from.

Yep.

JIM:
You know,
once a month

like clockwork,

I call him on the phone
and hang up

just so I can hear
his voice say

"For the last time,
who is this?"

I'm going to the airport
right now...

All right...
...and catch me
an airplane.

Aw, great, Jim.

That's
a good idea.

It's the right choice.

( all talking at once )

Okay...

Anybody want
to go with me?

Huh? Huh? What do you mean?

Dad sent me two tickets.

Must have thought
I was married or had a friend.

One of you could come along.

No, no, no.
( all talk at once )

I can't make it.

Okay. Now, now, now
let's not fight
over this.

There's only one fair
way to settle it.

I'll think of a number
between one and ten.

Hmm?

Yeah.
ELAINE:
Okay.

Sounds all right.
All right, Jim.

All right.

Uh... ah...

I got it.

What is it?

Three.

I'll take ten.

Tony?

Ten?

Uh, ten for me, too, Jim.

You're not gonna believe it--
but I always take ten.

Boy, what are the odds
of that happening?

ALEX:
All right...

Well... let's try it again,
and I'll take six.

See if that works.

What's your
number, Alex?

( chuckles )

Well, I guess
my number is six.

Now we're getting someplace.

( mutters )

What's your number, Elaine?

No, no, no, no. Jim.

No, Jim, no...

Huh?
I-I want to go.

Your father sent two tickets,
one for a friend.

I'm the friend.

Oh, gee.

Dad's a pretty
smart guy, huh?

What are you guys doing here?
Go home.

JIM:
Hey, boss...

I'm not going to be driving
for a couple of days.

I'm going home to
Boston to see my dad.

Ignatowski's got a father?

There goes my spore theory.

Jim, come on.
Let's get out of here.

( doorbell rings )

Dad.

I think he's a butler.

I don't care what he
does for a living.

He's my father.

No, Jim.

He's your
father's butler.

Huh?

Hi. Um, I'm
Alex Rieger.

This is Mr.
Caldwell's son.

I'll tell your father

you're here.

May I take your luggage?

Oh, thank you.

Well...

Dad.

You look even younger
than you used to.

I'm your brother, Tom, Jim.

Oh.

Of course, Tom-Jim.

This is my
brother, Tom-Jim.

Tom. And you're..?

Uh, extremely
uncomfortable.

I'm-I'm Alex
Rieger. Hi.

Tom Caldwell,
the son that lived.

Jim?

Lila?

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy!

It's my sister, Lila.

( squeals )

Lila, I'd like you to meet
my brother, Tom-Jim.

LILA:
Hi.
And my friend, Alex Rieger.

Oh, hi.

Oh...

Want a bite?

Pardon me?

Oh, no, thank you.

Thank you very much.
( chuckles )

Lila is a tad shy at first,
but she'll warm up to you.

Nice family, Jim.

Uh... thanks.

Promise me you won't leave me
alone with them.

( grunts )

Thanks.

Wow.

Boy, it's all coming
back to me, Alex...

in bits

and pieces.

Hey, Jim, is that
your mother?

Yeah.

( chuckles )

I don't remember her much.

She passed away
when I was a kid.

But she never took off
those white gloves.

After she died,

I was raised by a nanny.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

A fat, sweet-tempered
black lady.

She used to laugh
at me all the time

and scold me.

For some reason,

she used to call me
Miss Scarlett.

Jim, that's
Gone With the Wind.

Yeah...

no use looking back
on it now.

MAN:
Is my son in there?

This could be
my dad...

or your dad.

Son.

No.

Dad?

James...

it's good to see you.

You're bald.

Yes, I am.

You haven't got hardly a hair
on your head.

( laughing )

No, I haven't.

You see this, Alex?

James, it's been
a very long time.

Yes, it has, Dad.

Where did all your hair go?

Uh, Mr. Caldwell,
I'm Alex Rieger. Hi.

I'm a friend of Jim's.

( chuckles )

Listen, I guess you guys
have a lot to talk about,

and I'll just wait
right outside.

Don't go.

Uh...

please, stay, uh...

Why don't you both sit down?

Thank you.

( sighing )

Well, James, we have
a lot to talk about.

A lot's happened,

and I want to know everything--

where you've been,
what you've done.

I want to put all
the unpleasantness behind us.

Thought about a toup?

( mutters ):
Jim...

You know, some people think

that baldness makes a man look
distinguished.

Thank you, Mr. Rieger.

Well, what about
the fat part?

I'm the same size
as when you left here.

Oh, yes!
Now I remember.

Everybody here was fat.

James, don't we have
other things to talk about?

It's good to see you, Dad.

I missed you.

All you had to do was call.

Dad, I did.

Once a month, no matter where
I was, for the last ten years,

I called
just to hear your voice.

Is that the number you've
had for the whole time?

My God, I-I've
been estranged
from the wrong family.

I don't know how
to talk to him.

Is he, uh...?

( speaking gibberish )

Um...

Mr. Ignatowski...
Uh...

No, no. I mean,
Mr. Caldwell, I...

I can assure you

that in the year and a
half that I've known Jim,

he's grown incredibly.

Oh, my God.

Uh, I'll have Carl show you
to your rooms.

Oh, thank you.

You have the same room, James.

Even your toys
are still there...

with the exception
of the airplane glue.

You finished all of that.

By the way,
we usually dress for dinner.

Well, I certainly...

Fine, fine.
Fine, thank you.

Alex, I love him.

It's amazing.

I haven't seen
him for so long.

He's changed physically.

And we never were very close.

And I've been talking
to a different voice.

But there's something
about being here

that has stirred me.

It's in the genes.

It's in those
chubby little genes.

Yeah, well, that's-that's
fine, Jim, that's fine.

I mean, I mean, that's why
you came here, right?

( sighs )

I don't love
my brother, Alex.

That's all right, Jim.

I don't know why.

He's almost as fat as my dad.

My sister...
I love a little.

( chuckles )

And I like the butler,

and you've been terrific.

Okay.

Can we go home now?

No, no, no, Jim.
Not yet. Not yet.

You mean, there's more?

Mm-hmm.

What else
are we having tonight, Carl?

Everything
but string beans, sir.

Uh, Mr. Rieger,
if you like string beans...

we can...
No, no, sir.
Thank you very much.

I... have enough to
pick from right here.

You just reach out
and grab anything you like.

Lila, don't be cheap
in front of the company.

Sorry, Daddy.

Well, Jim, we have
a lot to talk about.

I guess so.

You like potatoes au gratin
or cottage fries?

Uh... I don't
like potatoes.

Still the rebel
without a cause, huh?

James, why don't you tell us
about your life

since you dropped
out of Harvard?

Jim, you went
to Harvard?

Uh... yep.

He was there for a year.

Got excellent grades
one semester.

The next semester,

he wrote all his term papers
in finger paint.

A typewriter seemed
so impersonal.

James, I would
seriously like to know

what the past ten years
of your life

have
consisted of.
Uh...

Huh? No, I've only
known you for the last

year and a half.
Would that be...?

No. No.

W-What have you been doing
with yourself?

Drifting?

Living on handouts?

Getting stoned?

Well, don't make it
sound so terrible.

How do you make that sound good?

Well, drifting...
( chuckling )

You know, living on handouts.

And getting stoned.

It's disgusting.

To throw away
the opportunities you had--

the education,

the... breeding.

You know, and you... you don't
really feel ashamed, do you?

No.

Do you feel... remorse?

No.

What do you feel?

Full.

Uh-huh.

I'd hoped the years
had changed you, James,

but fact of the matter is
you don't give a damn, do you?

You never have,

and I don't think
you ever will.

Well, sir,

your presence in this house
is no longer appreciated.

Well, Jim, uh...
excuse me.

I-I think I'd better have
a word with your father.

( shudders )

Look, Mr. Caldwell,
I-I don't want to interfere

in your family's affairs,
but I feel...

Mr. Rieger...

you may not believe this,

but James
was always my favorite.

I can believe that.

I'd give anything if
even one of my children

had turned out to be someone
I could respect.

James was always special.

You should have seen him
as a child.

I do.

Mr. Caldwell, the only damage
that Jim's ever done to anybody

has been to himself.

He's done his share of that.

My problem is that the tax laws

force me to give out
the bulk of my money now.

Would you give a million dollars
to your Mr. Ignatowski?

Look, Mr. Caldwell,

I don't think that money
is an issue here for Jim.

I mean, I think he
came here because he

had a real desire to be
with his family again.

I don't think the money
is important to him.

You really believe that?

Yes, I do.

Mm-hmm.

James, get in here.

We'll soon see which
one of us is right.

Hello again.

James, I'm giving away
most of my money.

I haven't decided
what the distribution

is going to be
among my children,

but I have come
to one decision.

You're not getting
anything.

Okeydoke.

I don't believe it.

Jim, your father thinks
you came here

to get his money.

Dad thinks that?

( mutters )

Boy, now I'm burned!

It may take a lot to get me mad,
but this did it.

Don't stop me, Alex!

I'm going to say
what's on my mind.

What was that last thing
you said?

Your father thinks
you came here
to get his money.

Dad thinks that?!
Oh!

Hopeless.

Now, you look here.

The reason I came here
was to see you--

to see my dad,
to see my family--

and show you all that
I'm back on my feet again.

And show you that I'm okay,

and you don't have to worry
about me anymore.

Dad...

I came here because I wanted
to find out who I am,

who you are,
who we all are.

I mean, I wonder

about these things, Dad.

Like, I wonder about

if you call
an orange an orange

why don't you call
a banana a yellow?

Or an apple a red?

Well, you see,
the point is, Mr. Caldwell...

Now, blueberries
make sense,

but somebody explain
gooseberries to me.

James...

you really don't care
about my money?

Nah, I don't care.

Give it all away
to what's his name--

the big guy with the curly hair.

Your brother.

Or him.

Oh.

You are not without
charm, my son.

Thanks.

All right. I'll tell
you what I'll do.

I'm willing to try, if you are.

If you want to be my son

and feel what it's
like to be a rich man,

then come home,
enroll in school.

I'll see that you get
the best education

and the best shave
that money can buy.

All you have to do is take some
responsibility for yourself

and lead a decent,
normal life.

Good-bye, Dad.

( door shuts )

He's not coming back, is he?

No, sir, I don't think so.

Well, uh, listen...

thanks for everything,
Mr. Caldwell.

JIM ( yells ):
Alex!

( yelling ):
What?

What are you doing?

I'm saying good-bye
to your father.

Oh.

Tell him...

it was really great
seeing him again!

Uh, I think he wanted me...

"It was really
great seeing..."
You heard...

And get his right
phone number!

Excuse me. Uh...

Got it!

( Jim yelling faintly )

( indistinct yelling
continues )

( yelling ):
Jim!

JIM ( faintly ):
Yo!

It was really good
seeing you again.

Really...

son.

( yelling ):
It was really great

seeing you again, too, Dad!

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )