Taxi (1978–1983): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Apartment - full transcript

( theme music playing )

TONY:
Hey, guys.

You're never gonna believe
who I just had as a fare.

Who?
Neil Armstrong.

Oh, yeah?
Neil Armstrong!

Imagine, the first guy
who ever walked on the moon

sitting in my cab.

Wow!
I'm really impressed.

Hey, that's
a great fare, Tony.

Where did
you take him?

The unemployment office.



Yeah, you know,
they cut back

on the space program.

He's a little
down on his luck.

It turns out
he couldn't even pay the fare.

Hey, which was lucky for me,

'cause he gave me something
even more valuable than money.

A rock?

This ain't no rock.

This is a piece
of the moon.

He had a whole bag of them.

What's the matter?

We're jealous.

Uh, Tony, di-did it
ever occur to you

that this guy that said
he was Neil Armstrong



might have been a phony?

Oh, Bobby,
if he was a phony,

where did he get
a piece of the moon?

Yeah, where'd he get
a piece of the moon?

Okay, listen up, everybody.

I just come down
from McKenzie's office,

and he had my butt
for breakfast.

It seems somebody
sacked out

in his office
last night.

I mean, if it was
one of you guys,

I want you to just come
right out and say so.

Now, trust me on this.

I'm not going to fire you.

I'm not going to make
a big deal about this.

I just want to briefly
torture you

with a soldering iron.

Don't trust him.

I think it's a trick.

Now, come on,
I got to know

who slept in the
garage last night.

If any of you
have any idea

who it might have
been, just say so.

Latka!

Latka!

LATKA:
Is occupied.

"It's occupied"?
Get out here!

Get out here!

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

( mumbles )

Get that thing
out of your mouth!

Now, what's the big idea?

( mumbles )

You got toothpaste in
your mouth? Swallow it!

( mumbling ):
Uh-uh!

I said swallow it.

( gulps )

Mmm! Not bad.

All right... now, last night

the cleaning lady
went into Mr. McKenzie's office

and she found a strange man
sleeping on the sofa.

How did she know I was strange?

You got me in big trouble
with the boss, Latka,

and I'm not gonna stand
for this.

Now take it easy, Louie.

There's got to be
an explanation.

Latka, why were you sleeping

in the boss's
office last night?

'Cause
I live here now.

I'm satisfied.

Look, I'm going
to tell you this once.

You cannot live in this garage.

You can work here,
you can sweat here,

you can even die here,
but you cannot live here.

Now, get all
of this stuff,

and get out of here
before I kill you.

Louie... ( sighs )

why don't you take
a nice, deep breath

and never let it out?

Come sit over here,
Latka.

Come on, sit down here.

Now, Latka, what happened
to your apartment, huh?

Well, they-they tore
the building down.

Tore the building down? Why?

Because it would not burn.
Oh.

Well, Latka, if
you were living

in such a crummy place,

why didn't you
come to one of us?

I not want to bother you.

Then you should have
gone to your ambassador

and have him help you
find a place.

But ambassador was my roommate.

Hey, Alex,
what do you say, Al?

Hey, did you find Latka
a place yet?

No, not even close.

There's not much
in his price range.

Aw, you didn't find anything?

Well, we had one offer
that Latka almost took--

one room for one night

including roommate
and complimentary cocktail.

You better find him
something quick, Rieger,

'cause I already sent
his things on ahead.

On ahead where?

On ahead out in the street.

What?

Louie, I want to
report an outrage.

You let some terrible
person come in here

and right under your face

you let him take all my stuff,
put it on the street.

I did no such thing, Latka.

I resent that.

I'll have you know
I threw that stuff out myself.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Louie,
why don't you lay off, huh?

Latka's got
no place else to go.

No, no, is okay.

I found
apartment today.
Yeah?

You took one of those places
we saw yesterday?

Eh, no, no.

This morning I went for a walk,

and I saw the sign say,
it say, uh, "for rent."

So I looked,
and I like what I see.

Hey, Latka, that's great.
You did it yourself. man.

Yeah, that's terrific.
Fantastic.

Yeah, but the manager say
one thing I don't understand.

He want to put me on a leash.

"Lease."

Lease, Latka, lease.

Oh...
Yeah.

You know, Alex, I think
you better go talk to this guy.

I mean, you know,
some tenement landlords,

they take advantage
of people.

Yeah, I think
you're right.

Latka, maybe you'd better
show me that apartment.

Okay. Okay, but
what time-what time

does the bus
outside leave?

We don't need a bus,
we're gonna drive.

I know, but it's parked
on my sport coat.

Oh.

Not bad, hey?

Latka.

LATKA:
Yes?

Latka.

You don't like it?

Latka!

Why do you keep saying
my name over and over?

Latka!

Oh, man, give
me a break.

Latka!

Latka, this is
a terrible mistake.

How much is this place
costing you?

3,000 a month.

$3,000?

It's all right, I have
money in savings.

How much?

$3,000.

No, Latka.
When they say
3,000 a month

they mean 3,000
every month.

Oh, what am I going
to do next month?

I was going
to ask you that.

I better start
saving again.

Can you believe

people actually live
like this all the time?

The closest we'll ever get
to a world like this

is the curb
outside the building.

Not true, Alex.

You can come
and visit here anytime.

You can even live here with me,
if you like.

Well, hello, Mr. Gravas.

Oh, hello.

See? It comes with a maid.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you weren't moving in
till tomorrow.

Mm, yeah, but I am showing
my friend to the apartment.

Oh, well, I'm here to serve you.
Oh, good.

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yes, nik-nik.

No, no!

Thank you very much.

Latka, Latka...

Latka, you're really in
over your head, you know that?

You're in
over everybody's head.

These apartments
are built

for people
like the Rockefellers,

the Vanderbilts,
the Bee Gees.

But Alex, I want it.

Latka, you're throwing
your money away.

I got to get you out of this.
I really got to get you out.

Hello, can I speak
to Mr., uh, Martin, please?

Good-bye, couch.

Good-bye, carpet.

Good-bye, lush
contemporary decor.

Latka, I'm sorry,
but we just can't... Hello.

Uh, yes,
can I speak to Mr. Martin?

Mr. Martin?

Oh, yes, I'll hold on.

( soft music plays )

*

Uh, yes, hello, Mr. Martin?

Uh, my name is Alex Rieger.

I'm calling you
about the penthouse apartment

you rented
to a Mr. Latka Gravas.

Well, I just wanted to say
that, uh, we-we'll take it.

Yes, and thank you very much.

( singing to "Staying Alive" )
* Hey, hey, hey, ze-be-de-ba

* Ah, hey, hey, hey

* Ze-be-de-ba,
ze-be-de-ba *

* Hey, hey, hey, hey

* Ze-be-de-ba,
ze-be-de-ba... *

Excuse me, Mr. Gravas?

Oh...

I'm sorry
to bother you.

Oh, it's all right,
it's just the news.
Oh.

So, are you
ready for nik-nik?

No. No nik-nik.

Is there anything else
I can get you?

Eh, no, thank you.
Okay.

Mr. Rieger, is there
anything I can get for you?

Uh, yes, my swizzle
stick is a little limp.

Oh, very well, sir.

( doorbell chimes )

Mr. Tony Banta.

You know...

but does she have to do that
every time you leave, come back?

Every time?

Well, if it embarrasses you,
do what I do.

What is it?

Don't leave.

Hi, Tony!

Hey, Latka.

Is there anything
I can get for you, Mr. Banta?

Oh, no. You know, I
hate to be waited on.

All right.

Hey, yo, but, uh....

while you're up,
you could draw me a brew.

All right.

Hey, make it that foreign kind.

You know,
with the little picture

of the mountain village
on the label.

Hey, yeah,
and put it in a frosted mug.

Okay.

Hey, make it two.

Save yourself a trip.

And some peanuts.

Oh, shelled or unshelled?

Surprise me.

( doorbell chimes )

"A gentleman
who needs no introduction...

"an artist
in a world of philistines...

"our last hope
for the life of the theater...

"a man who bestrides this world
like a colossus...

ladies and gentlemen, the legend
we call Robert Wheeler."

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You're too kind.

Isn't this some place?

So what do you think?

I think that's your 14th
grand entrance of the day.

Hey, Latka, Latka,

can I bring a date
over here tonight?

Okeydokey, Bobby.

Oh, oh, oh, Bobby, hey.

What, what?

I was thinking
about bringing Cathy
over here tonight.

Hey, well, Tony, this is,
like, a big place, you know.

We can both use it,
you know?

Yeah, but, uh, I
don't think that's
gonna work out

because we both want to
end up in the same room

if you, uh, know
what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, I know, I know,
let's flip for it, okay?

Okay, do you
have coins?

Yeah, I got one
over here. Here.

All right, um,
y-you flip it, I'll call it.

All right, ready?

Yeah. Heads.

I win.

I get the game room.

Right, uh, okay.

I... I guess I'll
just have to figure out

something to do
in the master bedroom.

I love that Jacuzzi.

Oh, I love every wrinkle
on every toe.

Oh, thanks so much, Latka,
for sharing this with us.

You know, in my country,
everyone shares with everyone.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Otherwise they shoot you.

( doorbell chimes )

ELAINE:
Oh, I'm so relaxed.

I can't even remember

what tension
and unhappiness feel like.

There's a Mr. Louie De Palma
here to see you.

I just remembered.

De Palma?
I don't recall a De Palma.

Send him packing.

Don't let him in.
Don't let him in.

Don't let
him in. No.

I'm terribly sorry, sir,
but you can't come in.

That's what you think.

I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop around
to see you.

So this is the apartment
you're all talking about, eh?

Inga-- suds.

You know,
we don't have to take this.

All Louie's gonna do

is try and step
on our good time.
Yeah.

I say we make Louie
leave right now.

No, no, Bobby,
this is my house

and Louie is my guest,
and I want him to stay.

Besides, what negative thing

can he possibly say

about the greatest
apartment in New York City?

That's true.
I wonder.

This is a nice apartment.

You're going to feel
like killing yourselves

when you got to leave.

Quick, get some boards
and nails.

Are you kidding?
Our booze is in there.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Elaine, let him out.

( exhales loudly )

Okay, I can tell
when I'm not wanted.

I can take a hint.

You don't have
to get mechanical.

By the way...

you're out of scotch.

Get him!

You know, uh, Louie's right.

I am gonna miss this place.

BOBBY:
Oh, me, too, Tone.

Hey, hey, hey,
come on, stop that.

No more "I'm going
to miss this place" talk.

Now, don't worry about it.

We still got four whole days
to enjoy it.

Besides, believe me,

four days will
go by soon enough.

In fact, they'll zip by.

Boy, am I going
to miss this place.

You're going
to miss this place?

Do you know that right now

my kids are down at the swimming
pool taking swimming lessons,

and in the afternoon,
they have tennis lessons,

and the elevator operator
is teaching them French.

Damn it!
We got to stay another month.

BOBBY:
Hey, I know. I know.

We'll have a
rent party, huh?

What's a rent party?

Well, I used to have
them all the time

when I was poor,
you know?

It's um, it's like,
what you do, is,

is you have a
singles party here

and you charge about five
or ten bucks a head.

That's right.
We could get some
of our passengers.

You know, a lot of them
are from out of town.

They're always looking
for something to do.

I mean, a mixer at an address
like this can't miss.

Terrific idea.

Hey, I ain't making no promises,

but maybe I can get
Neil Armstrong here.

BOBBY:
Boy, you could get high on Brut
in this place.

Hey, Bobby,
we got a problem here.

Oh, really?

Yeah, nobody's dancing.

What happened
to all the girls?

There are no girls.

The maid's in hiding
under the pool table.

Well, do you want me

to go round up
some chicks for you?

Tony, it takes you
a month to round up one.

Oh, yeah.

Boy, you know,

some of the women
around here are real dogs.

You know, this party stinks.

Yeah, well, it's,
uh... ( chuckles )

I guess it's
a little slow

but, you know, some
of the best parties

start off kind
of slow and, uh...

There's no women here.

Yeah, well ( chuckles )

maybe because of
the gas shortage

they're all
coming in one car.

No, I'm just joking,
just joking.

Oh, yeah? Well, I say
if something soft and warm

doesn't walk
into this room soon,

I'm going to demand
my money back, right?

Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah!

How about a loaf of
freshly baked bread?

( men clamor )
No, hold it right there.

Now, look,
this kind of talk

gets me a little
angry, you know.

Okay, so some of
you are upset

because there
aren't many women.

All right.
All of you are upset

because there aren't
many women here.

All right, all right.

All of you are upset because
there aren't any women here.

So what's the big disaster, huh?

I mean, is that so bad?

No, no, come on.

When we were kids,
we didn't need women, uh,

to have fun, did we?

I mean, we, uh,
we played baseball

and, uh, football
and tug-of-war.

For some reason,
when we get older,

uh, we get tangled up
with women.

All we can think about

is women, women,
women, girls, girls.

Now, look, no, no,
we have a chance

to make new friends here
tonight.

I mean, you know, develop
comradeship, man-to-man.

Personally, I'm going
to try to get to know

each and every one
of you here tonight.

Oh, really?
Is that so?

Then I'm gonna go out

and chase down some chicks,
of course.

I want my money back.

( men agreeing )

Elaine.

Oh, my God.

Uh...

Elaine, we're in trouble.

You're in trouble.

Hey, Elaine, come in,
meet the guys.

Elaine, Elaine, they
want their money back.

You're the only one that
can get us out of this.

Now, now, why don't
you just go in there

and mingle around a little
bit, talk, you know,

keep their minds
off their money.

Hey, think of your kids'
French lessons.

Think of 31
fun-filled days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, I...

I guess it wouldn't hurt
to mingle a little, right?

It doesn't hurt,
it doesn't hurt.

Yeah.
Okay.

Mingle, mingle, mingle...

Uh, hi, everybody.

MEN:
Hi, Elaine!

( chuckles )
Well, um, uh...

let's see, what can we do

to make this a more
fun-filled evening?

Any suggestions?

Uh, no, uh, music!

How about some music?

Tony? Tony?

That's a great idea,
great idea.

Good. Okay.
Great idea.

( disco music
with heavy beat plays )
A little beat now.

Well, uh...
would anybody like to dance?

MEN:
Yeah!

Fellas, fellas, fellas.

Just-just step
back a little.

Give her some room.

No, Elaine will dance,
we will watch.

Don, watch.

Elaine will dance,
Don will watch.

Don, see Elaine dance?

ELAINE:
Yeah.

Dance, Elaine.

Oh...

Now you want
your money back?

I want everybody's
money back.

( men agreeing )

Elaine...

ALEX:
Look at this!

( men grumbling )

Oh, look at this.

Hey, come on, now.

Elaine!

Look at this!

All right!
Yeah!

Look, take it easy.

There's your ten, now,
there's yours.

I'm glad you could
come tonight.

It's been
a fun-filled evening.

Thank you so much.

Well, that's that.

No more French lessons.

No more water bed.

No more game room.

Louie was right--
we are losers.

No, no, Latka... wrong.

No one
with a friend like you

can be called a loser.

You gave us a great month,
Latka, thanks.

Aw, Latka,
don't feel so bad.

Listen to me.

Tomorrow we're all going
to go out and find you

a great place to live.

Are you okay?

Yes, I-I'm okay.

But I have been thinking,
and I have this one thought.

You know, for me to live
in a place like this

has been a miracle.

And someday,
when things are bad,

and I have no money
and no food, and I'm depressed,

I will think about this month
that I lived here,

and I will feel even worse.

Hey, what do you say
we, uh... we leave

and let Latka
spend the last night

in his own apartment.

Oh, yeah, good idea.

Good-bye.

See you, Latka.

Bye-bye.

Thanks a lot,
Latka.

Good night. See you.
Thanks.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye... apartment.

Good-bye, apartment.

I'm going to miss you.

Good-bye, panoramic view.

Mr. Gravas?

Yes?

Nik-nik?

Oh, thank you very much.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )