Taskmaster NZ (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Heat Stroke - full transcript
Urzila Carlson smashes a bottle of sunscreen, Guy Montgomery attempts to make a Brussels sprout float in the sky, and we find out who can best change a room in complete darkness.
*
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(DING!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora koutou.
Welcome all to Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and
according to a television contract
overseen by several high-profile
entertainment lawyers, I am the
Taskmaster.
(LAUGHTER)
A few months ago,
I set four comedians and one
over-achieving radio host
a series of complex tasks.
Tonight, we will watch them
attempt those tasks, revel
in their successes
and take particular delight
in their embarrassing failure.
(LAUGHTER)
Our contestants tonight
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
None of them know how they've done
in these tasks, and tonight I will
be judging them, ranking them
from best to worst and assigning a
numerical value to their self-worth.
(LAUGHTER)
Assisting me in all things
administration, both on and
off screen,
it's my trusty assistant,
Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It's OK. I appreciate you guys
clapping, cos I'm actually feeling
kinda down at the moment.
I'm entering what is known as
the dark period of any man's life
when they're too old to play
Rolf in the Sound of Music...
(LAUGHTER)
...but not old enough to play
Captain von Trapp in The Sound
of Music.
- I feel like you could
play one of the Nazis.
(LAUGHTER)
- It's not the same.
- Paul knows all
our tasks inside out.
He's so passionate about the role,
it's almost pathetic.
(LAUGHTER)
Would you like to introduce
our first task, Paul?
- It would make me
the happiest man in the world.
(LAUGHTER)
Our first task is,
as always, a prize task.
Whoever's brought in
the best prize will get five points,
and whoever has the most points at
the end of an episode will take home
all five prizes.
So, tonight, take off your jerseys
and put on your oven mitts.
These five people have
brought in the hottest thing.
- The hottest thing.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Let's turn up the heat.
(LAUGHTER)
Whose first? Laura.
- Well, the task is bring in the
hottest thing, so I brought in an
iron.
(LAUGHTER)
And it's particularly hot
because of where it comes from.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I mean, hot on multiple levels.
- True story about that photo ― the
billboard just happened to be 200m
from my grandmother'shouse.
(LAUGHTER)
She was 91 when she saw that,
and she lasted another month.
(LAUGHTER)
- She died of heat stroke.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- That's cold. That is cold.
- Urzila.
- Yes.
- What did you bring in?
- Well, what is hotter
than believing in yourself?
And I brought in a picture of me.
(CHUCKLES)
- Uh-oh.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- And, look, can I just say that
absolutely ruined the lounge, but...
(LAUGHTER)
...I think it is worth it.
You can see a bit of nip in there.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, I don't think you
needed to point that out.
- Yeah.
- David.
(LAUGHTER)
- I made this.
I'm pretty hot. I'm constantly
sweating, so why not be me?
But if you turn it around,...
I've lined it with Deep Heat.
(LAUGHTER)
So if you were to wear this mask,
you would be burning.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is intense.
- It looks scary.
- But not hot. You're right.
(LAUGHTER)
Like, he's eliminating himself.
- Doesn't look hot,
but, fuck, it'll feel hot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt, what did you bring in?
- Well, Jerry, as you know,
you and me are on radio,
and some experts one day realised
that our audience was about 99.9%
male,
and they wanted to sort
of invite women along.
So there was a photo shoot that
was originally just gonna be you,
but then it was both ofus.
Then I think it came out really hot,
so I've had it framed.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is cute at best.
(LAUGHTER)
- I remember it well.
- Yeah.
- I didn't frame my version of it.
(LAUGHTER)
- What does it plug into?
- Well, that's an interesting
point you've brought up there,
because I didn't think
that was quite hot enough,
so it's actually got an element in
there to actually heat it up, so it
can work as a heater.
(LAUGHTER)
- Brings us to Guy.
- Well, after this
parade of self-delusion,
I've brought in what is genuinely
the hottest thing in the world,
I think you'll find,
and that is a slice of tomato from
the middle of a toasted sandwich.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
That thing is molten.
(LAUGHTER)
- Uh, when was it cooked?
- Uh, well, it was―
it was cooked a while ago,
but the thing with the slice
of tomato in the middle of a
toasted sandwich
is they stay that hot forever.
The only way to cool one of
those down is in, a cruel and
ironic twist, eating it.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, let's score that round,
should we?
I gotta say, I don't find
myself particularly hot.
I see what you have done, Laura,
and I see what Matt has done
by bringing in photos that
have me associated with them.
- I didn't say you were hot.
I was saying I was hot.
(LAUGHTER)
- I have to give you guys
the lowest points.
David, I thought yours was hot
but terrifying at the same time,
so three points.
- Mine burns people. It's so hot.
- You should be happy with three.
- Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
I think Guy, four points.
- OK.
- Cos, yes, tomatoes are hot coming
out of a toasted sandwich machines.
- Thank you, Jeremy.
- And, Urzila, that was so hot.
- Smoking, right?
I have one framed and waiting
for you in the dressing room.
- I'd love that.
(LAUGHTER)
I'd love that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Currently, that puts Urzila
in the lead with five points.
But with such a lavish prize pool,
there is literally everything
to play for.
Shall we go to the Taskmaster house?
- Yes. I'm in the mood
for a tasty task.
- OK. I should clarify that,
actually, this task does involve
a Brussels sprout,
which famously not very tasty.
(LAUGHTER)
But, uh, anyway, here it is.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Hello, Paul.
- This is exciting.
- What's going on here?
- Ugh, yuck.
- Why is that moist?
- I'm nervous about this.
- READS: 'Float this Brussels sprout
down from the balcony.'
- 'Longest float time wins.'
- 'You have 20 minutes...'
- '...and one floating attempt.'
- 'Your time starts...'
- Say the word, please.
- '...now.' Aargh!
- (EXHALES)
- Down there?
- Uh, yes.
- I've got an ideal.
- I'm gonna go look for some stuff.
Is that OK?
- Yes.
- Don't follow me.
- I wasn't going to.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- This is quite a tricky one,
because by their very nature, Paul,
Brussels sprouts, they donot float.
- Correct, yes. The average weight
of a Brussels sprout is about 25g,
whereas a feather, famously good for
floating, only weighs about 0.0082g.
So were these contestants able to
convince a Brussels sprout to lose
99.96% of its body weight?
Here's Urzila and Matt.
- So, what I'm thinking here
is some sort of oregan... no.
Oregan...
- ...mi?
- Origami?
- So, what are you thinking?
- Build it a little parachute.
- Balloon propulsion out the back.
And then if I set it on fire,...
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
...it'll look cool.
- You would've gone balloon,
wouldn't ya?
- I'm not sure.
- But I don't have helium
in my lungs.
(AIR SQUEALS)
- Do you see what I'm getting at?
(SQUEALING CONTINUES)
(SQUEALING STOPS)
See what I'm getting at?
- You've got 16 and a half minutes.
- You're a buzzkill with that.
- Sorry.
- Are you starting to see
what I'm trying to do here?
- Not really.
(POP!)
(POP!)
- So far so good.
That was pretty good!
- Yeah.
(POP!)
(LAUGHTER)
- All right, lucky I didn't use
that technique, cos that's shit.
- OK.
I think I'm ready.
- I'll go down to judge it.
- Are you going to jump?
- I-I was just gonna walk.
- Have you seen that movie 'Up'?
- Yup.
- It's very similar to that.
- Where those helium balloons?
- How long have I got?
- You've got 3.25.
- I don't have time to search
the whole house for helium.
- Three, two
one.
That was actually not bad.
I was actually surprised by that.
- Can you hear that?
- Yeah.
- That's concerning.
Can you hear that?
- Yes.
- That's a problem.
Oh, here we go.
(SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
Very, very disappointed in that.
It just fell straight down.
Like, I think it would've probably
travelled... the same speed without
all the balloons.
- Yeah.
- You look disappointed in me.
- You did your best.
- Yeah, that's the...
that's what really hurts.
Yeah. Hey, thanks, Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- 'That's what really hurts.'
- Are you happy with that effort,
Matt?
- No, I'm not happy with it.
I was about to quit at that
point, actually. That was―
I went into a deep depression.
- That was the first day.
(LAUGHTER)
- Do you think the Brussels sprout
would have gone down slower without
the balloons?
- I did time a Brussels sprout
falling on its own, and it took
about 1.8 seconds.
- And how long was mine?
- Matt was 2.48 seconds.
- Yes!
- So he did―
And Urzila, 2.8 seconds.
- There are plenty more
floating vegetables to come right
after some delicious advertising.
We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
TV's highest stakes low-stakes
comedy show.
Paul Williams,
what is going on right now?
- Our contestants are attempting to
float a Brussels sprout down from a
balcony as slowly as possible.
Both Urzila and Matt considered
using helium but assumed that
there wouldn't be any in the house,
so they didn't bother to look.
(LAUGHTER)
Up next to float a Brussels sprout
is David Correos.
- I found the helium.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Ooh, it's light.
(HELIUM HISSES)
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
(EXCLAIMS)
No! Oh! Fuck!
Oh Jesus!
I didn't think about
a way to tie it.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! Shit! Shit!
(GROANS)
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
(POP!)
They're popping!
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
No! No!
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck!
Oh no! I need a― Oh no!
I need a ladder. Oh shit.
Where's the ladder?
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Can you grab a foot?
Oh fuck.
Oh! Oh, my quad.
Oh, my quad is so sore.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh!
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
Can you grab that for me?
(THUD!)
Got that. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Three, two
one.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
Can't see it any more.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Going beyond there. Up in
the rafters. That was impressive.
- Thank you.
- An impressive builder's crack
as well on the way back down.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, thank you, Mr Jeremy.
- Would you say that it floated...
- MATT: No.
- ...down?
- It didn't come down.
It's disqualified.
(LAUGHTER)
- I did look up the average flight
time for a standard balloon filled
with helium,
and it's about 12 hours. So I've
logged David's time as 12 hours.
- Now, hang on a minute.
What's the time with a Brussels
sprout attached to it, though?
- Yeah.
- How much time do you think
should be knocked off for the
Brussels sprout?
- Well, what was mine?
(LAUGHTER)
- We'd have to knock off 11 hours,
59 minutes and 57.5 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm open to it. I'm open to it.
- Seems fair. Seems fair. Yeah.
- I floated longer going down from
the top of those things than your
things!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, but you had helium.
We didn't have helium.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Surely, no one's
gonna be able to top 12.
- Who's to say?
Well, I am. I-I was there. I saw it.
(LAUGHTER)
But let's watch. Here's
Laura Daniel and Guy Montgomery.
(OBJECTS CLATTER)
(AIR HISSES)
- I need to find something
that floats in the water.
Something like this.
- That was quick.
- How powerful is this bad boy?
Let's plug it in and just quickly
see.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- Are you―? Are you ready to start?
- I've started.
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
- See if it works.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS, CLATTERING,
WHIRRING STOPS)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
I'm gonna go with plan B. This is
why we come up with multiple plans
at once.
(LAUGHTER)
I need to put water in this first.
- (POPS LIPS)
(POPS LIPS)
- It's good.
I hope this doesn't
back-weight the duck.
- How do boats float?
- I'm not really sure.
- Someone had to figure that out.
- I'm ready to start.
- OK.
- I can't burp properly.
They come out as croaks.
- Oh, OK.
- Like that.
- Oh wow.
- Yeah.
- This is my Brussels sprout float.
It's started.
(LAUGHTER)
- Shall we start our descent?
- OK.
- Does it stop when
it touches the ground?
- It stops when the Brussels sprout
stops floating.
- Oh!
- What are you thinking?
- I'm thinking of tying it.
(LAUGHTER)
Have fun.
- OK.
Still floating.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- MATT: That's smart.
- I hate to say it,
but that's pretty clever.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's pretty clever.
- Well, the time
to beat was 12 hours.
- Yeah.
- And both of them did.
So, they actually stayed there
floating throughout shooting of
many more tasks.
(LAUGHTER)
- Whose Brussels sprout took the
shortest amount of time to get down?
- The shortest was Matt.
One point for Matt.
- Thank you.
- Two points for Urzila.
- Yep.
- Three points for David. And four
and five points are still at play.
- Wow. OK.
So that's gonna make for
an interesting scoreboard.
How does that work?
- Yes. Currently in second place
with six points is David,
and leading is Urzila with seven.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
- OK. Onwards and upwards, then.
We ready for another task?
- I think we are.
- DAVID: Really?!
- What do you mean?
(LAUGHTER)
- We're not getting
closure on this?!
(LAUGHTER)
You have no idea. I spent all
of Taskmaster seeing that fuckin'
bucket hanging up there.
That was the first episode! And
I was like, 'There's some shit in
there. There's some shitin there.'
We filmed this once a week.
It was there on the fourth week!
(LAUGHTER)
That was so long, Laura!
I'm so proud of you!
(APPLAUSE)
It was such a good way to do it.
- I'd just like to take a second
to talk about Guy's new T-shirt.
- That's not you again, is it?
- That is me again, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
It was a―
I think a Tinkerbell dress.
- Aww.
- You're lookin' good, Paul.
- Great pins.
Onwards and upwards.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm ready for another task.
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.
(LAUGHTER)
It's time for an extreme makeover,
lab edition.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.
- Hey, man.
- I like this room. I feel
like this is what it would be like
to be on the inside of a condom.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
Smells good.
- OK.
- READS: 'Transform this room...'
- '...when the lights go out.'
- 'You will have 30 seconds
of darkness.'
- 'Most spectacular
transformation wins.'
- 'Your time starts when you say...'
Not gonna say it.
- You can say it.
- I can't say it.
- You can say it.
- You're sus. I can't say it.
- 'Let there be dark.'
- 'Let there be dark.'
- 'Let there be dark.'
Cool.
- Transform this room.
There's nothing in here.
- You can bring stuff in.
- Oh, I see. From other places.
- So you have to transform
the room while the lights are out?
- Yes.
- But I can plan it now.
- You can plan it now. Yeah.
You can take your time.
- I want you in the room.
- OK.
- But you won't be wearing that.
- What will I be wearing?
- Depends how many animals weget.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- If there's something that the
last 20 years of television has
taught us
it's that there's nothing better
than a good old renovation of a
room.
- That's very true, Jeremy Wells.
Would you like to see one?
- I would love to.
- OK. It's Urzila Carlson.
- This is my room transformation.
It's basically what goes on in
the inside of my soul ―
you know, in those quiet
moments when people think about the
mistakes they've made in their life.
I think about this.
Turn the lights off.
- WHISPERS:
It's 'Let there be dark'.
- Let there be dark?
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
Right.
(SULTRY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh yeah.
Work it, Paul.
Here, let's see if
we can loose you up a bit.
- What is this?
- Loosen-up juice.
Get in there.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You do it.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh my God. It's getting whiter.
Look hungry.
(LAUGHTER)
No, that― that's, like, constipated.
No, like...
Like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want kids one day, Paul?
- Maybe.
- I don't know if you're
gonna get them, mate.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- At some point, you've gotta
leave this poor boy alone.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul is just always there,
and that was what's on
the inside of my mind.
- Me pole dancing?
(LAUGHTER)
- Weirdly, yes. It keeps me centred
and focused on other shit.
(LAUGHTER)
- How did you feel about that?
- He liked it.
(LAUGHTER)
- I guess I liked it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Look at his smile. He loves it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, if you need to get out,
you blink three times.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- More beautiful
room renovations await,
but first, transform your life
by watching some inspiring ads.
We'll see you in a bit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win a scalding-hot
slice of tomato?
We'll soon find out, but right now,
we are renovating rooms, aren't we,
Paul?
- That is correct, Jeremy Wells.
Our contestants have 30 seconds of
darkness to completely transform
the Taskmaster lab.
Up next, his name rhymes
with DIY Montgomery.
It's Guy Montgomery.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let there be darkness.
(JAZZY MUSIC)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
Why, it's a regular farm!
What an incredible transformation.
You gotta moo.
- Hello?
- M― You gotta moo.
- Moo.
- Well...
- Moo! Moooo!
- Just another day earning
an honest dollar down here
in rural New Zealand.
(LAUGHTER)
You can take it easy now,
farm animals.
- How was that?
- Well, I... You know, pretty good.
It feels different
from what I imagined.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I mean, we had no idea that that
was a farm until you said, 'This is
just a regular farm.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it does pay to say
where you are sometimes.
- You said that it was
different than you imagined.
- Yes. I thought it would feel
a little bit more like a farm.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who have we got next, Paul?
- Well, she can drastically change
a room with nothing but hersmile
and some power tools.
It's Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Let there be dark!
All right,
let's get this party started.
(DANCE MUSIC PUMPS)
Whoo!
Hit that beat! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh yeah! This is a sick party.
(IMITATES AIR HORN)
Ride it. Yeah. Work it, blue man.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, smoke.
What a transformation.
(WHISTLE TRILLS, MUSIC STOPS)
All right, cool.
Shots on me, everyone. Boop! Boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There's actually a lot of
impressive stuff going on there,
but DJ Assmaster...
(LAUGHTER)
- I've seen the short film.
It's great.
(LAUGHTER)
- I did also ask for the morph
suits to have the arse cut out.
- Mm.
- But the camera crew
weren't that keen,...
(LAUGHTER)
...seeing as they were in the suits.
(LAUGHTER)
- Should we have a look at
another room reno, Paul?
- Here's the man I like to call
Matt Heath. It's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Taskmaster, you don't like me;
I don't like you; but you are gonna
like this. Let therebe dark!
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Roll up, roll up... (LAUGHS)
for the most fantastic...
most spectacular show on Earth.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Juggle.
Juggle, Paul.
- I'm juggling.
- (BLOWS PARTY HORN)
MUFFLED: Spectacular!
Roll up, roll up. (LAUGHS)
(WHIP CRACKS)
Yes!
Whoo!
(CHUCKLES) Bow.
- Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Talk us through
your thinking there.
- Well, you said you could juggle,
but you didn't.
- Him not juggling was
the least problematic thing.
(LAUGHTER)
And, Matt, to be fair― I mean,
what had that elephant done to you?
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, I was wrangling it. I was
trying to get it to do something.
I was on the trapeze.
- That's box swing.
(LAUGHTER)
- I do wanna apologise to Matt,
cos I feel
like my poor juggling ruined what
would've otherwise been perfect.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.
- Yeah, as I say, pretty happy with
that, so I'm looking forward to the
points.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think there's one more,
is there?
- There is one more.
It's David Correos.
- READS: The most spectacular
transformation wins. Your time
starts when you say...
(SNAPS FINGERS) OK.
Can I say that last line,
or will it start instantly
if I say that last line?
- You can say it now.
- I can say it now?
- You can say it now
as part of the task.
- Oh, OK. Cool, cool, cool.
- Yep.
- READS: Your time starts when
you say, 'Let there be dark.'
No! I fuckin'― No, you did it!
You goddam...
did it! You did it! You did it!
I told you not to do it.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS) Didn't get enough time. I
was― I didn't wanna revert to this,
but you made me revertto this.
- That was genuinely a mistake.
- No, it wasn't.
- You're allowed to say it once.
I didn't... obviously explain that
well enough to the lighting guy.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Can that count?
Can that count as my thing?
- Yeah.
- LAUGHS: OK, sweet.
(LAUGHTER)
- Are you happy with that?
- This is all I got. You tricked me.
- I mean to say the room
is quite different.
- It is quite (LAUGHS) different.
- It feels very different.
Shall we turn the lights back out?
- LAUGHS: Yes, please.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Something strange happened there,
didn't it? On a number of levels.
- It genuinely was not meant to be
a stitch-up. Also, he actually had
less than half the timein the dark.
He got naked in
just under 12 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- This is tricky to score.
I feel like David gets one.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
I know.
It was potentially
the least spectacular,
and that's saying something.
- It changed the vibe in the room.
(LAUGHTER)
- It felt very different.
- I heard that.
- It was one of those things where
you had to be there to really feel
it.
- I got a pretty clear idea.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think we all did.
- What I caught up there was
a moment. TV's about moments.
(LAUGHTER)
So why the fuck would
I rob them of that moment?
(LAUGHTER)
- I mean, I'm competitive, and
I'm out there for the points, but he
makes a pretty compellingargument.
- Laura, I thought that yours
was actually the most spectacular.
- Oh!
- But seeing as you think that David
has been hard done by, I'm happy to
reverse it.
- (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER)
- If you feel like you need to give
him your points, you're more than
welcome at this moment.
- (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Two points for you, Matt.
- MATT: What?
- Yeah, I gotta work with you.
That was not good.
- That was spectacular!
- And then I think Guy with three,
Urzila with four cos I kinda feel
sorry for Paul,
and then I think five,
but you're more than happy
to give them to David.
- I mean, it was your decision,
so we just... (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER
- Yeah, yeah.
- LAUGHS: Well, at the time...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah.
- I cannot get
enough of these tasks.
The good news is there
are a bunch more coming up
right after these messages.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show where people are taking off
their clothes to win a picture of me
with my clothesoff.
Paul, I believe you have another
one of your beloved tasks for me.
- I sure do, Jeremy Wells.
And this one has all the components
of a classic task ―
a fake Greek-style plinth and
a 1-litre bottle of sunscreen.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
- Do I need to pick this up?
- You don't have to.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello, Paul.
- Morning.
- How are you?
- Good, thank you.
- Oh, this isn't part
of the task, is it?
- No.
- This has got trash in it.
Can't be too safe.
(LAUGHTER)
- READS: 'Squirt the sunscreen
the furthest.'
- 'You have one attempt.
Your time starts now.'
- How much time?
- As much as you need
to get a good squirt.
Please squirt it from the pillar.
And you can't move the pillar.
- Doesn't seem
especially time-sensitive.
(APPLAUSE)
- Now, Paul, I couldn't help but
notice that David picked up a pot.
- That is correct.
David did pick up Guy's pot
with his Brussels sprout.
However, for all we know,
it is currently still floating
in a small teacup boat.
- OK, that's very foreboding.
(LAUGHTER)
I am, however, extremely intrigued
to see some sunblock get squirted,
so let's focus on that
for the meantime.
- Let's start with Matt and Guy
Mont... (SINGS) '...gomery'. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- It's just some sunscreen, right?
- Yeah.
- So I could dilute the sunscreen
a little bit to make more squirty.
- Possibly, yeah.
- Do I get a clearance squirt?
- As long as your one squirt
is on here.
(LAUGHTER)
- But I can do a squirt this way?
- As long as it doesn't get on the
plastic.
- That's not a squirt yet.
Was it?
- Did that squirt?
- Nah, that splashed.
- I'm just looking at
the definition of 'squirt'.
- OK.
- Oh no!
(LAUGHTER)
- Squirt.
Spurt?
Splash.
- Is splash in there?
Oh. That's damning.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- You happy with that?
- Not overly.
- 31cm.
- I'm happy with that.
- 1.09m.
- (SIGHS)
- I-I think it's gonna be hard
to do less than 30cm for anyone.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- You know what they say, Paul.
- What do they say?
- Fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Matt had 31cm.
And Guy had 1.09m.
- Guy was going for
a clearance squirt.
But all you needed to do was take
the sunscreen away from the plinth.
- Oh, what an incredible idea,
Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, obviously, I'm not happy
with it. It was a disaster.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, it was better than Matt's.
- Yeah, but mine― mine wasn't any―
mine― I didn't even doanything.
I was just getting it ready.
- That's a different type
of clearance squirt.
(LAUGHTER)
- I didn't mean for it to go.
- No one evermeansfor
that to happen; it just does.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's roll straight
into another one.
- OK. Here's Laura Daniel.
- Um...
Something heavy.
Real force.
This little hand thing.
(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC)
OK, ready?
- Yup.
- Do you wanna give me a countdown?
- When do you want
the countdown to start from?
- Three.
- OK.
- I'll count you down,
and then you count me down.
- OK.
- Three, two, one.
- Three, two,
one.
(LAUGHTER)
- There's a dot there.
- Yeah.
On to the bit of plastic.
- Yo! Yo! Yo! Can I get a close-up?
What do you call that?
- Sunscreen. Some sunscreen
has ridden this piece of plastic.
(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES)
2.39m.
- Yeah, baby. Come on.
Ye-yeah.
- Do you think
anyone's gonna beat that?
- Nope.
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe if they got a metal mug.
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, you went away
and got something big and heavy.
You came back with a plastic cup.
(LAUGHTER)
- It was, like, in a, like, picnic
basket that looked like one of those
camping mugs that wasaluminium.
(LAUGHTER)
- You did OK in the end.
- Yes, so a tiny speck on sunscreen
rode a broken piece of themug
and flew on to the tarpaulin. 2.39m.
- So far,
Laura's been the best squirter.
- URZILA: Yes! Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who else have we got, Paul?
- Yet another solo effort
this time from David Correos.
- Am I allowed to mix it
with other stuff inside here?
- I reckon.
- Fuck yes.
I got this.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
This is fun.
I also need a knife.
(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
What do you think, Paul?
- I think it's ready.
- I think it's ready, eh.
Sweet as. I'm excited.
- Yeah.
- (BLOWS)
- So, what are you doing here?
- I'm diluting it.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Still terrible. Still thick.
- Just don't squirt any on to the...
- Yeah, I'll try not to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
- So, are you kinda drinking that?
- Mm.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
That didn't squirt!
No, that did not squirt.
That was my mouth.
- How did it come out of your mouth?
- Kinda...
(IMITATES SPITTING LOUDLY)
(SIGHS)
Oh, fuck, are you serious?
Can we get a playback?
- Well, uh, yeah, we filmed it,
but it definitely looked like it
just squirted out of your mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
- ROARS: Oh!
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
GROANS LOUDLY: Oh!
- 1.27m.
(LAUGHTER)
- I feel so hollow inside right now.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So I was gonna squirt it on to
the top. It was gonna be like
a hydroslide.
- He tested it multiple times
with water, and the water was
going quite far.
- Right.
- It was working!
- Did you let him
have a go afterwards?
- No.
- Despite his clear pain,
he actually did manage a
respectable 1.27m,
which puts him ahead
of both Guy and Matt.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Um, I saw him muckin' around
with a pot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yes.
- Didn't look especially relevant
to the noodle thing.
- So, David did fling
a Brussels sprout out of a pot.
At this point, it had been
floating for three days,
22 hours and 27 minutes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Pretty long.
- And what about Laura's?
- Well, Laura's remained floating
for the rest of the shoot and is
currently still floating today.
(LAUGHTER)
So Laura remains in the lead at
74 days, three hours and 48 minutes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Four points to Guy.
Five points to Laura.
(APPLAUSE)
- Sorry.
- It's all good. I'm sorry
about what happened to you.
(LAUGHTER)
That sunscreen stuff,
that was a disaster.
(LAUGHTER)
- Now that that's done and dusted,
Laura, you have the longest
sunscreen so far.
Have we got anyone left?
- We have one person left ―
the wonderful Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- For one go?
- Yeah.
- And it has to be on here?
- Yeah.
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- 6.12m.
- Personal best.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you, Urzila.
- If you need me to bash
anything else, I'm here for ya.
- OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There's a lesson here for
everyone ― sometimes the key
is not fucking around.
(LAUGHTER)
- It was a hot day. I tried to get
the camera crew out of the sun.
There was only the one bottle
of sunscreen, and we're like,
'Let's fuckin' go, boys.'
(LAUGHTER)
- So clear winner, clearly.
- A clear winner with 6m and 12 cm.
- There we go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, one point for Matt. Two points
for Guy. Three points for David.
Four points for Laura.
And five points for Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- But wait ― there's another task
which is coming up after the break.
We'll see you very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back.
It's the final part of Taskmaster.
There's a David Correos mask smeared
in Deep Heat to be won, and tensions
could not be higher.
Paul, a score update, please.
- Currently, it's a tie. Both on
16 points, it's Laura and Urzila.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Boss girl.
- All right, enough numbers.
Let's head to the stage for
the final task of the show.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
This, Paul, is a live task
very dear to my heart,
so please choose someone dear
to my heart to read it out.
- Let's go with the person who is
physically closest to your heart,
Urzila Carlson.
- There we go, Dubs. Hey?
OK. (READS) 'Using your electric
toothbrushes, paint a portrait of
Jeremy's mother.
'You have 200 seconds during which
Jeremy will describe his mother.
Most beautiful portraitwins.'
- So you guys can paint
the portrait, and I'll just give
you descriptions as we go.
- Both toothbrushes must be on.
(TOOTHBRUSHES WHIRR)
Artists ready?
- ALL: Yes.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- My mother is a beautiful woman
of 78.
But she looks much
younger than that.
She is simultaneously sweet
and stern.
(LAUGHTER)
She gave birth breech to two
9-pound babies in the 1970s.
- URZILA: Oh wow.
- Vaginally.
(LAUGHTER)
She played goal defence for the
Auckland netball team in the 1960s.
- So she's a lesbian?
(LAUGHTER)
Did she cry black tears at
any point during your life?
(LAUGHTER)
- 40 seconds left.
- She wears a size 8½ shoe.
- 20 seconds.
- Her favourite food
is ginger crunch.
- (LAUGHS)
- Eight seconds.
- She hates me.
(LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Brushes down.
(APPLAUSE)
OK. Jeremy, whose portrait
would you like to see first?
- Urzila.
- Oh, Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
- I think I really
captured your mother.
- (LAURA LAUGHS)
- As you can see,
she's a strong woman.
Beautiful, soulful eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it would really capture her
a bit more if I knew her name.
- Sheryl.
- Yeah. This looks like a Sheryl.
Hard out.
(LAUGHTER)
Is she a West Auckland woman?
Cos I've seen this one at Countdown.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Matt.
- OK, this is my Sheryl.
(LAUGHTER)
There's been a bit of run― running.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Laura.
- Yeah. Hear that?
- Oh.
- Amazement. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. That's nice.
I think that's quite lovely.
- Yeah.
- OK. I look forward
to seeing Guy's.
- Thanks, Jeremy. I look forward
to sharing it with you.
(LAUGHTER)
So, at the end,
I was going to write 'smart',
but Paul blew his little whistle,
so instead I've got an acronym.
Sheryl.
Mum.
Awesome.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- David.
- DAVID: Hello.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh!
- LAURA: Ooh!
- I tried to capture her age
with a little bit of, like,
the neck coming forward,
looking like she's lived.
And then I drew some nana pants.
- It's not a bad effort. All right.
Everyone come down, and let's judge
them.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back. Some of
those portraits were brilliant;
some were absolutely terrifying.
I may as well start at the bottom.
Urzila, one point for you.
(LAUGHTER)
Matt,...
- Mm-hm.
- ...yours was also terrifying.
You had the issues with the running
down as well, so two for you, Matt.
- Oh!
- David, yours looked a little
bit too much like me and was a
bit terrifying for me,
but still a good picture,
but three points for you.
And then, Guy, yours and Laura's
were both lovely, actually.
I'm gonna go with Laura
just because of the love hearts. So
Laura gets five. Guy, you getfour.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Which means that the winner for
tonight's episode with a whopping
21 points ―
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Laura Daniel.
Head up and collect your hot things,
and please be careful with that
tomato slice, cos I'm sure that
is super-hot.
It's been a night
of human achievement.
We've seen a Brussels sprout
practically enter space.
We sent some sunscreen
about 30cm across a tarpaulin.
And most important, we sent Laura
Daniel to the winner's podium for
episode two.
Thank you for watching, and we'll
see you at the same time next week.
Goodnight.
- It's frozen. It's cold.
- (URZILA LAUGHS)
- Don't put that on.
- No, no, no!
No!
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Sup?
- Gidday.
- I only nut once, never twice.
- (GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
- You have gone towaytoo
much effort there for that.
(LAUGHTER)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(DING!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora koutou.
Welcome all to Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells, and
according to a television contract
overseen by several high-profile
entertainment lawyers, I am the
Taskmaster.
(LAUGHTER)
A few months ago,
I set four comedians and one
over-achieving radio host
a series of complex tasks.
Tonight, we will watch them
attempt those tasks, revel
in their successes
and take particular delight
in their embarrassing failure.
(LAUGHTER)
Our contestants tonight
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
None of them know how they've done
in these tasks, and tonight I will
be judging them, ranking them
from best to worst and assigning a
numerical value to their self-worth.
(LAUGHTER)
Assisting me in all things
administration, both on and
off screen,
it's my trusty assistant,
Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It's OK. I appreciate you guys
clapping, cos I'm actually feeling
kinda down at the moment.
I'm entering what is known as
the dark period of any man's life
when they're too old to play
Rolf in the Sound of Music...
(LAUGHTER)
...but not old enough to play
Captain von Trapp in The Sound
of Music.
- I feel like you could
play one of the Nazis.
(LAUGHTER)
- It's not the same.
- Paul knows all
our tasks inside out.
He's so passionate about the role,
it's almost pathetic.
(LAUGHTER)
Would you like to introduce
our first task, Paul?
- It would make me
the happiest man in the world.
(LAUGHTER)
Our first task is,
as always, a prize task.
Whoever's brought in
the best prize will get five points,
and whoever has the most points at
the end of an episode will take home
all five prizes.
So, tonight, take off your jerseys
and put on your oven mitts.
These five people have
brought in the hottest thing.
- The hottest thing.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Let's turn up the heat.
(LAUGHTER)
Whose first? Laura.
- Well, the task is bring in the
hottest thing, so I brought in an
iron.
(LAUGHTER)
And it's particularly hot
because of where it comes from.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I mean, hot on multiple levels.
- True story about that photo ― the
billboard just happened to be 200m
from my grandmother'shouse.
(LAUGHTER)
She was 91 when she saw that,
and she lasted another month.
(LAUGHTER)
- She died of heat stroke.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- That's cold. That is cold.
- Urzila.
- Yes.
- What did you bring in?
- Well, what is hotter
than believing in yourself?
And I brought in a picture of me.
(CHUCKLES)
- Uh-oh.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- And, look, can I just say that
absolutely ruined the lounge, but...
(LAUGHTER)
...I think it is worth it.
You can see a bit of nip in there.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, I don't think you
needed to point that out.
- Yeah.
- David.
(LAUGHTER)
- I made this.
I'm pretty hot. I'm constantly
sweating, so why not be me?
But if you turn it around,...
I've lined it with Deep Heat.
(LAUGHTER)
So if you were to wear this mask,
you would be burning.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is intense.
- It looks scary.
- But not hot. You're right.
(LAUGHTER)
Like, he's eliminating himself.
- Doesn't look hot,
but, fuck, it'll feel hot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt, what did you bring in?
- Well, Jerry, as you know,
you and me are on radio,
and some experts one day realised
that our audience was about 99.9%
male,
and they wanted to sort
of invite women along.
So there was a photo shoot that
was originally just gonna be you,
but then it was both ofus.
Then I think it came out really hot,
so I've had it framed.
(LAUGHTER)
- That is cute at best.
(LAUGHTER)
- I remember it well.
- Yeah.
- I didn't frame my version of it.
(LAUGHTER)
- What does it plug into?
- Well, that's an interesting
point you've brought up there,
because I didn't think
that was quite hot enough,
so it's actually got an element in
there to actually heat it up, so it
can work as a heater.
(LAUGHTER)
- Brings us to Guy.
- Well, after this
parade of self-delusion,
I've brought in what is genuinely
the hottest thing in the world,
I think you'll find,
and that is a slice of tomato from
the middle of a toasted sandwich.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
That thing is molten.
(LAUGHTER)
- Uh, when was it cooked?
- Uh, well, it was―
it was cooked a while ago,
but the thing with the slice
of tomato in the middle of a
toasted sandwich
is they stay that hot forever.
The only way to cool one of
those down is in, a cruel and
ironic twist, eating it.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, let's score that round,
should we?
I gotta say, I don't find
myself particularly hot.
I see what you have done, Laura,
and I see what Matt has done
by bringing in photos that
have me associated with them.
- I didn't say you were hot.
I was saying I was hot.
(LAUGHTER)
- I have to give you guys
the lowest points.
David, I thought yours was hot
but terrifying at the same time,
so three points.
- Mine burns people. It's so hot.
- You should be happy with three.
- Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)
I think Guy, four points.
- OK.
- Cos, yes, tomatoes are hot coming
out of a toasted sandwich machines.
- Thank you, Jeremy.
- And, Urzila, that was so hot.
- Smoking, right?
I have one framed and waiting
for you in the dressing room.
- I'd love that.
(LAUGHTER)
I'd love that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Currently, that puts Urzila
in the lead with five points.
But with such a lavish prize pool,
there is literally everything
to play for.
Shall we go to the Taskmaster house?
- Yes. I'm in the mood
for a tasty task.
- OK. I should clarify that,
actually, this task does involve
a Brussels sprout,
which famously not very tasty.
(LAUGHTER)
But, uh, anyway, here it is.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Hello, Paul.
- This is exciting.
- What's going on here?
- Ugh, yuck.
- Why is that moist?
- I'm nervous about this.
- READS: 'Float this Brussels sprout
down from the balcony.'
- 'Longest float time wins.'
- 'You have 20 minutes...'
- '...and one floating attempt.'
- 'Your time starts...'
- Say the word, please.
- '...now.' Aargh!
- (EXHALES)
- Down there?
- Uh, yes.
- I've got an ideal.
- I'm gonna go look for some stuff.
Is that OK?
- Yes.
- Don't follow me.
- I wasn't going to.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- This is quite a tricky one,
because by their very nature, Paul,
Brussels sprouts, they donot float.
- Correct, yes. The average weight
of a Brussels sprout is about 25g,
whereas a feather, famously good for
floating, only weighs about 0.0082g.
So were these contestants able to
convince a Brussels sprout to lose
99.96% of its body weight?
Here's Urzila and Matt.
- So, what I'm thinking here
is some sort of oregan... no.
Oregan...
- ...mi?
- Origami?
- So, what are you thinking?
- Build it a little parachute.
- Balloon propulsion out the back.
And then if I set it on fire,...
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
...it'll look cool.
- You would've gone balloon,
wouldn't ya?
- I'm not sure.
- But I don't have helium
in my lungs.
(AIR SQUEALS)
- Do you see what I'm getting at?
(SQUEALING CONTINUES)
(SQUEALING STOPS)
See what I'm getting at?
- You've got 16 and a half minutes.
- You're a buzzkill with that.
- Sorry.
- Are you starting to see
what I'm trying to do here?
- Not really.
(POP!)
(POP!)
- So far so good.
That was pretty good!
- Yeah.
(POP!)
(LAUGHTER)
- All right, lucky I didn't use
that technique, cos that's shit.
- OK.
I think I'm ready.
- I'll go down to judge it.
- Are you going to jump?
- I-I was just gonna walk.
- Have you seen that movie 'Up'?
- Yup.
- It's very similar to that.
- Where those helium balloons?
- How long have I got?
- You've got 3.25.
- I don't have time to search
the whole house for helium.
- Three, two
one.
That was actually not bad.
I was actually surprised by that.
- Can you hear that?
- Yeah.
- That's concerning.
Can you hear that?
- Yes.
- That's a problem.
Oh, here we go.
(SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
Very, very disappointed in that.
It just fell straight down.
Like, I think it would've probably
travelled... the same speed without
all the balloons.
- Yeah.
- You look disappointed in me.
- You did your best.
- Yeah, that's the...
that's what really hurts.
Yeah. Hey, thanks, Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- 'That's what really hurts.'
- Are you happy with that effort,
Matt?
- No, I'm not happy with it.
I was about to quit at that
point, actually. That was―
I went into a deep depression.
- That was the first day.
(LAUGHTER)
- Do you think the Brussels sprout
would have gone down slower without
the balloons?
- I did time a Brussels sprout
falling on its own, and it took
about 1.8 seconds.
- And how long was mine?
- Matt was 2.48 seconds.
- Yes!
- So he did―
And Urzila, 2.8 seconds.
- There are plenty more
floating vegetables to come right
after some delicious advertising.
We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
TV's highest stakes low-stakes
comedy show.
Paul Williams,
what is going on right now?
- Our contestants are attempting to
float a Brussels sprout down from a
balcony as slowly as possible.
Both Urzila and Matt considered
using helium but assumed that
there wouldn't be any in the house,
so they didn't bother to look.
(LAUGHTER)
Up next to float a Brussels sprout
is David Correos.
- I found the helium.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Ooh, it's light.
(HELIUM HISSES)
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
(EXCLAIMS)
No! Oh! Fuck!
Oh Jesus!
I didn't think about
a way to tie it.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! Shit! Shit!
(GROANS)
(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)
(POP!)
They're popping!
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
No! No!
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck!
Oh no! I need a― Oh no!
I need a ladder. Oh shit.
Where's the ladder?
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Can you grab a foot?
Oh fuck.
Oh! Oh, my quad.
Oh, my quad is so sore.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh!
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
Can you grab that for me?
(THUD!)
Got that. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Three, two
one.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
Can't see it any more.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Going beyond there. Up in
the rafters. That was impressive.
- Thank you.
- An impressive builder's crack
as well on the way back down.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, thank you, Mr Jeremy.
- Would you say that it floated...
- MATT: No.
- ...down?
- It didn't come down.
It's disqualified.
(LAUGHTER)
- I did look up the average flight
time for a standard balloon filled
with helium,
and it's about 12 hours. So I've
logged David's time as 12 hours.
- Now, hang on a minute.
What's the time with a Brussels
sprout attached to it, though?
- Yeah.
- How much time do you think
should be knocked off for the
Brussels sprout?
- Well, what was mine?
(LAUGHTER)
- We'd have to knock off 11 hours,
59 minutes and 57.5 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm open to it. I'm open to it.
- Seems fair. Seems fair. Yeah.
- I floated longer going down from
the top of those things than your
things!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, but you had helium.
We didn't have helium.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Surely, no one's
gonna be able to top 12.
- Who's to say?
Well, I am. I-I was there. I saw it.
(LAUGHTER)
But let's watch. Here's
Laura Daniel and Guy Montgomery.
(OBJECTS CLATTER)
(AIR HISSES)
- I need to find something
that floats in the water.
Something like this.
- That was quick.
- How powerful is this bad boy?
Let's plug it in and just quickly
see.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
- Are you―? Are you ready to start?
- I've started.
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)
(WHIRRING STOPS)
- See if it works.
(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS, CLATTERING,
WHIRRING STOPS)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHS)
I'm gonna go with plan B. This is
why we come up with multiple plans
at once.
(LAUGHTER)
I need to put water in this first.
- (POPS LIPS)
(POPS LIPS)
- It's good.
I hope this doesn't
back-weight the duck.
- How do boats float?
- I'm not really sure.
- Someone had to figure that out.
- I'm ready to start.
- OK.
- I can't burp properly.
They come out as croaks.
- Oh, OK.
- Like that.
- Oh wow.
- Yeah.
- This is my Brussels sprout float.
It's started.
(LAUGHTER)
- Shall we start our descent?
- OK.
- Does it stop when
it touches the ground?
- It stops when the Brussels sprout
stops floating.
- Oh!
- What are you thinking?
- I'm thinking of tying it.
(LAUGHTER)
Have fun.
- OK.
Still floating.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- MATT: That's smart.
- I hate to say it,
but that's pretty clever.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's pretty clever.
- Well, the time
to beat was 12 hours.
- Yeah.
- And both of them did.
So, they actually stayed there
floating throughout shooting of
many more tasks.
(LAUGHTER)
- Whose Brussels sprout took the
shortest amount of time to get down?
- The shortest was Matt.
One point for Matt.
- Thank you.
- Two points for Urzila.
- Yep.
- Three points for David. And four
and five points are still at play.
- Wow. OK.
So that's gonna make for
an interesting scoreboard.
How does that work?
- Yes. Currently in second place
with six points is David,
and leading is Urzila with seven.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you.
- OK. Onwards and upwards, then.
We ready for another task?
- I think we are.
- DAVID: Really?!
- What do you mean?
(LAUGHTER)
- We're not getting
closure on this?!
(LAUGHTER)
You have no idea. I spent all
of Taskmaster seeing that fuckin'
bucket hanging up there.
That was the first episode! And
I was like, 'There's some shit in
there. There's some shitin there.'
We filmed this once a week.
It was there on the fourth week!
(LAUGHTER)
That was so long, Laura!
I'm so proud of you!
(APPLAUSE)
It was such a good way to do it.
- I'd just like to take a second
to talk about Guy's new T-shirt.
- That's not you again, is it?
- That is me again, yes.
(LAUGHTER)
It was a―
I think a Tinkerbell dress.
- Aww.
- You're lookin' good, Paul.
- Great pins.
Onwards and upwards.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm ready for another task.
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.
(LAUGHTER)
It's time for an extreme makeover,
lab edition.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.
- Hey, man.
- I like this room. I feel
like this is what it would be like
to be on the inside of a condom.
- (INHALES DEEPLY)
Smells good.
- OK.
- READS: 'Transform this room...'
- '...when the lights go out.'
- 'You will have 30 seconds
of darkness.'
- 'Most spectacular
transformation wins.'
- 'Your time starts when you say...'
Not gonna say it.
- You can say it.
- I can't say it.
- You can say it.
- You're sus. I can't say it.
- 'Let there be dark.'
- 'Let there be dark.'
- 'Let there be dark.'
Cool.
- Transform this room.
There's nothing in here.
- You can bring stuff in.
- Oh, I see. From other places.
- So you have to transform
the room while the lights are out?
- Yes.
- But I can plan it now.
- You can plan it now. Yeah.
You can take your time.
- I want you in the room.
- OK.
- But you won't be wearing that.
- What will I be wearing?
- Depends how many animals weget.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- If there's something that the
last 20 years of television has
taught us
it's that there's nothing better
than a good old renovation of a
room.
- That's very true, Jeremy Wells.
Would you like to see one?
- I would love to.
- OK. It's Urzila Carlson.
- This is my room transformation.
It's basically what goes on in
the inside of my soul ―
you know, in those quiet
moments when people think about the
mistakes they've made in their life.
I think about this.
Turn the lights off.
- WHISPERS:
It's 'Let there be dark'.
- Let there be dark?
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
Right.
(SULTRY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh yeah.
Work it, Paul.
Here, let's see if
we can loose you up a bit.
- What is this?
- Loosen-up juice.
Get in there.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You do it.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh my God. It's getting whiter.
Look hungry.
(LAUGHTER)
No, that― that's, like, constipated.
No, like...
Like that.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want kids one day, Paul?
- Maybe.
- I don't know if you're
gonna get them, mate.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- At some point, you've gotta
leave this poor boy alone.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul is just always there,
and that was what's on
the inside of my mind.
- Me pole dancing?
(LAUGHTER)
- Weirdly, yes. It keeps me centred
and focused on other shit.
(LAUGHTER)
- How did you feel about that?
- He liked it.
(LAUGHTER)
- I guess I liked it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Look at his smile. He loves it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, if you need to get out,
you blink three times.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- More beautiful
room renovations await,
but first, transform your life
by watching some inspiring ads.
We'll see you in a bit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win a scalding-hot
slice of tomato?
We'll soon find out, but right now,
we are renovating rooms, aren't we,
Paul?
- That is correct, Jeremy Wells.
Our contestants have 30 seconds of
darkness to completely transform
the Taskmaster lab.
Up next, his name rhymes
with DIY Montgomery.
It's Guy Montgomery.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let there be darkness.
(JAZZY MUSIC)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
Why, it's a regular farm!
What an incredible transformation.
You gotta moo.
- Hello?
- M― You gotta moo.
- Moo.
- Well...
- Moo! Moooo!
- Just another day earning
an honest dollar down here
in rural New Zealand.
(LAUGHTER)
You can take it easy now,
farm animals.
- How was that?
- Well, I... You know, pretty good.
It feels different
from what I imagined.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I mean, we had no idea that that
was a farm until you said, 'This is
just a regular farm.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, it does pay to say
where you are sometimes.
- You said that it was
different than you imagined.
- Yes. I thought it would feel
a little bit more like a farm.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who have we got next, Paul?
- Well, she can drastically change
a room with nothing but hersmile
and some power tools.
It's Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Let there be dark!
All right,
let's get this party started.
(DANCE MUSIC PUMPS)
Whoo!
Hit that beat! Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Oh yeah! This is a sick party.
(IMITATES AIR HORN)
Ride it. Yeah. Work it, blue man.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, smoke.
What a transformation.
(WHISTLE TRILLS, MUSIC STOPS)
All right, cool.
Shots on me, everyone. Boop! Boop,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There's actually a lot of
impressive stuff going on there,
but DJ Assmaster...
(LAUGHTER)
- I've seen the short film.
It's great.
(LAUGHTER)
- I did also ask for the morph
suits to have the arse cut out.
- Mm.
- But the camera crew
weren't that keen,...
(LAUGHTER)
...seeing as they were in the suits.
(LAUGHTER)
- Should we have a look at
another room reno, Paul?
- Here's the man I like to call
Matt Heath. It's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Taskmaster, you don't like me;
I don't like you; but you are gonna
like this. Let therebe dark!
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Roll up, roll up... (LAUGHS)
for the most fantastic...
most spectacular show on Earth.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Juggle.
Juggle, Paul.
- I'm juggling.
- (BLOWS PARTY HORN)
MUFFLED: Spectacular!
Roll up, roll up. (LAUGHS)
(WHIP CRACKS)
Yes!
Whoo!
(CHUCKLES) Bow.
- Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Talk us through
your thinking there.
- Well, you said you could juggle,
but you didn't.
- Him not juggling was
the least problematic thing.
(LAUGHTER)
And, Matt, to be fair― I mean,
what had that elephant done to you?
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, I was wrangling it. I was
trying to get it to do something.
I was on the trapeze.
- That's box swing.
(LAUGHTER)
- I do wanna apologise to Matt,
cos I feel
like my poor juggling ruined what
would've otherwise been perfect.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah.
- Yeah, as I say, pretty happy with
that, so I'm looking forward to the
points.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think there's one more,
is there?
- There is one more.
It's David Correos.
- READS: The most spectacular
transformation wins. Your time
starts when you say...
(SNAPS FINGERS) OK.
Can I say that last line,
or will it start instantly
if I say that last line?
- You can say it now.
- I can say it now?
- You can say it now
as part of the task.
- Oh, OK. Cool, cool, cool.
- Yep.
- READS: Your time starts when
you say, 'Let there be dark.'
No! I fuckin'― No, you did it!
You goddam...
did it! You did it! You did it!
I told you not to do it.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS) Didn't get enough time. I
was― I didn't wanna revert to this,
but you made me revertto this.
- That was genuinely a mistake.
- No, it wasn't.
- You're allowed to say it once.
I didn't... obviously explain that
well enough to the lighting guy.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Can that count?
Can that count as my thing?
- Yeah.
- LAUGHS: OK, sweet.
(LAUGHTER)
- Are you happy with that?
- This is all I got. You tricked me.
- I mean to say the room
is quite different.
- It is quite (LAUGHS) different.
- It feels very different.
Shall we turn the lights back out?
- LAUGHS: Yes, please.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Something strange happened there,
didn't it? On a number of levels.
- It genuinely was not meant to be
a stitch-up. Also, he actually had
less than half the timein the dark.
He got naked in
just under 12 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- This is tricky to score.
I feel like David gets one.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
I know.
It was potentially
the least spectacular,
and that's saying something.
- It changed the vibe in the room.
(LAUGHTER)
- It felt very different.
- I heard that.
- It was one of those things where
you had to be there to really feel
it.
- I got a pretty clear idea.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think we all did.
- What I caught up there was
a moment. TV's about moments.
(LAUGHTER)
So why the fuck would
I rob them of that moment?
(LAUGHTER)
- I mean, I'm competitive, and
I'm out there for the points, but he
makes a pretty compellingargument.
- Laura, I thought that yours
was actually the most spectacular.
- Oh!
- But seeing as you think that David
has been hard done by, I'm happy to
reverse it.
- (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER)
- If you feel like you need to give
him your points, you're more than
welcome at this moment.
- (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Two points for you, Matt.
- MATT: What?
- Yeah, I gotta work with you.
That was not good.
- That was spectacular!
- And then I think Guy with three,
Urzila with four cos I kinda feel
sorry for Paul,
and then I think five,
but you're more than happy
to give them to David.
- I mean, it was your decision,
so we just... (STAMMERS)
(LAUGHTER
- Yeah, yeah.
- LAUGHS: Well, at the time...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah.
- I cannot get
enough of these tasks.
The good news is there
are a bunch more coming up
right after these messages.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show where people are taking off
their clothes to win a picture of me
with my clothesoff.
Paul, I believe you have another
one of your beloved tasks for me.
- I sure do, Jeremy Wells.
And this one has all the components
of a classic task ―
a fake Greek-style plinth and
a 1-litre bottle of sunscreen.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
- Do I need to pick this up?
- You don't have to.
(LAUGHTER)
- Hello, Paul.
- Morning.
- How are you?
- Good, thank you.
- Oh, this isn't part
of the task, is it?
- No.
- This has got trash in it.
Can't be too safe.
(LAUGHTER)
- READS: 'Squirt the sunscreen
the furthest.'
- 'You have one attempt.
Your time starts now.'
- How much time?
- As much as you need
to get a good squirt.
Please squirt it from the pillar.
And you can't move the pillar.
- Doesn't seem
especially time-sensitive.
(APPLAUSE)
- Now, Paul, I couldn't help but
notice that David picked up a pot.
- That is correct.
David did pick up Guy's pot
with his Brussels sprout.
However, for all we know,
it is currently still floating
in a small teacup boat.
- OK, that's very foreboding.
(LAUGHTER)
I am, however, extremely intrigued
to see some sunblock get squirted,
so let's focus on that
for the meantime.
- Let's start with Matt and Guy
Mont... (SINGS) '...gomery'. OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- It's just some sunscreen, right?
- Yeah.
- So I could dilute the sunscreen
a little bit to make more squirty.
- Possibly, yeah.
- Do I get a clearance squirt?
- As long as your one squirt
is on here.
(LAUGHTER)
- But I can do a squirt this way?
- As long as it doesn't get on the
plastic.
- That's not a squirt yet.
Was it?
- Did that squirt?
- Nah, that splashed.
- I'm just looking at
the definition of 'squirt'.
- OK.
- Oh no!
(LAUGHTER)
- Squirt.
Spurt?
Splash.
- Is splash in there?
Oh. That's damning.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)
- You happy with that?
- Not overly.
- 31cm.
- I'm happy with that.
- 1.09m.
- (SIGHS)
- I-I think it's gonna be hard
to do less than 30cm for anyone.
- OK.
- Yeah.
- You know what they say, Paul.
- What do they say?
- Fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Matt had 31cm.
And Guy had 1.09m.
- Guy was going for
a clearance squirt.
But all you needed to do was take
the sunscreen away from the plinth.
- Oh, what an incredible idea,
Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER)
Look, obviously, I'm not happy
with it. It was a disaster.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, it was better than Matt's.
- Yeah, but mine― mine wasn't any―
mine― I didn't even doanything.
I was just getting it ready.
- That's a different type
of clearance squirt.
(LAUGHTER)
- I didn't mean for it to go.
- No one evermeansfor
that to happen; it just does.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's roll straight
into another one.
- OK. Here's Laura Daniel.
- Um...
Something heavy.
Real force.
This little hand thing.
(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC)
OK, ready?
- Yup.
- Do you wanna give me a countdown?
- When do you want
the countdown to start from?
- Three.
- OK.
- I'll count you down,
and then you count me down.
- OK.
- Three, two, one.
- Three, two,
one.
(LAUGHTER)
- There's a dot there.
- Yeah.
On to the bit of plastic.
- Yo! Yo! Yo! Can I get a close-up?
What do you call that?
- Sunscreen. Some sunscreen
has ridden this piece of plastic.
(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES)
2.39m.
- Yeah, baby. Come on.
Ye-yeah.
- Do you think
anyone's gonna beat that?
- Nope.
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe if they got a metal mug.
(LAUGHTER)
Maybe.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, you went away
and got something big and heavy.
You came back with a plastic cup.
(LAUGHTER)
- It was, like, in a, like, picnic
basket that looked like one of those
camping mugs that wasaluminium.
(LAUGHTER)
- You did OK in the end.
- Yes, so a tiny speck on sunscreen
rode a broken piece of themug
and flew on to the tarpaulin. 2.39m.
- So far,
Laura's been the best squirter.
- URZILA: Yes! Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who else have we got, Paul?
- Yet another solo effort
this time from David Correos.
- Am I allowed to mix it
with other stuff inside here?
- I reckon.
- Fuck yes.
I got this.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
This is fun.
I also need a knife.
(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
What do you think, Paul?
- I think it's ready.
- I think it's ready, eh.
Sweet as. I'm excited.
- Yeah.
- (BLOWS)
- So, what are you doing here?
- I'm diluting it.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Still terrible. Still thick.
- Just don't squirt any on to the...
- Yeah, I'll try not to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
- So, are you kinda drinking that?
- Mm.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
That didn't squirt!
No, that did not squirt.
That was my mouth.
- How did it come out of your mouth?
- Kinda...
(IMITATES SPITTING LOUDLY)
(SIGHS)
Oh, fuck, are you serious?
Can we get a playback?
- Well, uh, yeah, we filmed it,
but it definitely looked like it
just squirted out of your mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
- ROARS: Oh!
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
GROANS LOUDLY: Oh!
- 1.27m.
(LAUGHTER)
- I feel so hollow inside right now.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So I was gonna squirt it on to
the top. It was gonna be like
a hydroslide.
- He tested it multiple times
with water, and the water was
going quite far.
- Right.
- It was working!
- Did you let him
have a go afterwards?
- No.
- Despite his clear pain,
he actually did manage a
respectable 1.27m,
which puts him ahead
of both Guy and Matt.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Um, I saw him muckin' around
with a pot.
(LAUGHTER)
- Yes.
- Didn't look especially relevant
to the noodle thing.
- So, David did fling
a Brussels sprout out of a pot.
At this point, it had been
floating for three days,
22 hours and 27 minutes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Pretty long.
- And what about Laura's?
- Well, Laura's remained floating
for the rest of the shoot and is
currently still floating today.
(LAUGHTER)
So Laura remains in the lead at
74 days, three hours and 48 minutes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Four points to Guy.
Five points to Laura.
(APPLAUSE)
- Sorry.
- It's all good. I'm sorry
about what happened to you.
(LAUGHTER)
That sunscreen stuff,
that was a disaster.
(LAUGHTER)
- Now that that's done and dusted,
Laura, you have the longest
sunscreen so far.
Have we got anyone left?
- We have one person left ―
the wonderful Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- For one go?
- Yeah.
- And it has to be on here?
- Yeah.
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- 6.12m.
- Personal best.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Thank you, Urzila.
- If you need me to bash
anything else, I'm here for ya.
- OK.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There's a lesson here for
everyone ― sometimes the key
is not fucking around.
(LAUGHTER)
- It was a hot day. I tried to get
the camera crew out of the sun.
There was only the one bottle
of sunscreen, and we're like,
'Let's fuckin' go, boys.'
(LAUGHTER)
- So clear winner, clearly.
- A clear winner with 6m and 12 cm.
- There we go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, one point for Matt. Two points
for Guy. Three points for David.
Four points for Laura.
And five points for Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- But wait ― there's another task
which is coming up after the break.
We'll see you very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back.
It's the final part of Taskmaster.
There's a David Correos mask smeared
in Deep Heat to be won, and tensions
could not be higher.
Paul, a score update, please.
- Currently, it's a tie. Both on
16 points, it's Laura and Urzila.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Boss girl.
- All right, enough numbers.
Let's head to the stage for
the final task of the show.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
This, Paul, is a live task
very dear to my heart,
so please choose someone dear
to my heart to read it out.
- Let's go with the person who is
physically closest to your heart,
Urzila Carlson.
- There we go, Dubs. Hey?
OK. (READS) 'Using your electric
toothbrushes, paint a portrait of
Jeremy's mother.
'You have 200 seconds during which
Jeremy will describe his mother.
Most beautiful portraitwins.'
- So you guys can paint
the portrait, and I'll just give
you descriptions as we go.
- Both toothbrushes must be on.
(TOOTHBRUSHES WHIRR)
Artists ready?
- ALL: Yes.
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- My mother is a beautiful woman
of 78.
But she looks much
younger than that.
She is simultaneously sweet
and stern.
(LAUGHTER)
She gave birth breech to two
9-pound babies in the 1970s.
- URZILA: Oh wow.
- Vaginally.
(LAUGHTER)
She played goal defence for the
Auckland netball team in the 1960s.
- So she's a lesbian?
(LAUGHTER)
Did she cry black tears at
any point during your life?
(LAUGHTER)
- 40 seconds left.
- She wears a size 8½ shoe.
- 20 seconds.
- Her favourite food
is ginger crunch.
- (LAUGHS)
- Eight seconds.
- She hates me.
(LAUGHTER)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Brushes down.
(APPLAUSE)
OK. Jeremy, whose portrait
would you like to see first?
- Urzila.
- Oh, Jeremy.
(LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS)
- I think I really
captured your mother.
- (LAURA LAUGHS)
- As you can see,
she's a strong woman.
Beautiful, soulful eyes.
(LAUGHTER)
I think it would really capture her
a bit more if I knew her name.
- Sheryl.
- Yeah. This looks like a Sheryl.
Hard out.
(LAUGHTER)
Is she a West Auckland woman?
Cos I've seen this one at Countdown.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Matt.
- OK, this is my Sheryl.
(LAUGHTER)
There's been a bit of run― running.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, Laura.
- Yeah. Hear that?
- Oh.
- Amazement. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. That's nice.
I think that's quite lovely.
- Yeah.
- OK. I look forward
to seeing Guy's.
- Thanks, Jeremy. I look forward
to sharing it with you.
(LAUGHTER)
So, at the end,
I was going to write 'smart',
but Paul blew his little whistle,
so instead I've got an acronym.
Sheryl.
Mum.
Awesome.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- David.
- DAVID: Hello.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh!
- LAURA: Ooh!
- I tried to capture her age
with a little bit of, like,
the neck coming forward,
looking like she's lived.
And then I drew some nana pants.
- It's not a bad effort. All right.
Everyone come down, and let's judge
them.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Welcome back. Some of
those portraits were brilliant;
some were absolutely terrifying.
I may as well start at the bottom.
Urzila, one point for you.
(LAUGHTER)
Matt,...
- Mm-hm.
- ...yours was also terrifying.
You had the issues with the running
down as well, so two for you, Matt.
- Oh!
- David, yours looked a little
bit too much like me and was a
bit terrifying for me,
but still a good picture,
but three points for you.
And then, Guy, yours and Laura's
were both lovely, actually.
I'm gonna go with Laura
just because of the love hearts. So
Laura gets five. Guy, you getfour.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Which means that the winner for
tonight's episode with a whopping
21 points ―
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Laura Daniel.
Head up and collect your hot things,
and please be careful with that
tomato slice, cos I'm sure that
is super-hot.
It's been a night
of human achievement.
We've seen a Brussels sprout
practically enter space.
We sent some sunscreen
about 30cm across a tarpaulin.
And most important, we sent Laura
Daniel to the winner's podium for
episode two.
Thank you for watching, and we'll
see you at the same time next week.
Goodnight.
- It's frozen. It's cold.
- (URZILA LAUGHS)
- Don't put that on.
- No, no, no!
No!
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Sup?
- Gidday.
- I only nut once, never twice.
- (GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
- You have gone towaytoo
much effort there for that.
(LAUGHTER)