Taskmaster NZ (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Gluten Free - full transcript
In the very first episode of Taskmaster NZ we watch Brynley Stent touch bread and regret it instantly. Guy Williams debates whether or not a cocktail is a cocktail without alcohol and we find out who makes the best sculpture.
*
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome, television viewers to the second season of Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells.
You may know me from other trivial endeavours, but tonight, I return to my true passion―
sitting in this large throne and being the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
For the next 10 weeks, five comedians of varying levels of fame, talent and hand-eye coordination
will compete to win this,
a golden trophy made from a mould of my head.
Competing for this magnificent prize is our equally magnificent season two cast.
They are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
For months, these four award-winning comedians and Matt Heath... (LAUGHTER)
...have been completing tasks I set for them at our top-secret Taskmaster house.
By my side, as always, is the man who helps me do the things I can't be bothered doing,
like a walking Roomba with a lovely singing voice, it's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So good to be back, Jeremy.
And since it's the season two premiere, I thought I would make you a cake.
- Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you. - I-I didn't make the cake, but IthoughtI would.
(LAUGHTER) Um... I'm really shocked I didn't.
Basically, I didn't have any of the ingredients, except for sugar,
which I keep in this pocket in case I get tired. I just get in there and...
(LAUGHTER)
You can have some of that, if you want.
- Did you buy me a cake or a...? - No. No, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, would you care to explain our first task?
- Our first task is a prize task.
The person who brings the best prize will get five points,
and whoever has the most points at the end of the episode will take home all five prizes.
Tonight, we asked them to bring in what they consider to be the best green thing.
- Mm, OK. Should we, uh, start with you, David Correos? What did you bring in?
- Well, Jeremy, what about a green thing that has every possibility under the sun withit?
Green screen! (LAUGHTER)
Green screen! (APPLAUSE)
- Green screen. - Look at my lovely holiday that I went on.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh! Oh, it's just me swimming with the fishes.
What about this? (APPLAUSE)
Now a man of culture. Look at that! - Strangely disturbing.
- Well, I got one more, Jeremy. Actually, we're pretty close friends.
I don't know if you know this, but... (LAUGHTER)
- Looks like you've gone back in time about 10 years for that photo as well.
- It was pre all your sunbeds, Jeremy. (LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- I see how this is gonna work, Laura. (LAUGHTER)
Guy Montgomery, what did you bring in?
- Well, with due respect to the green screen and all of the other nine members of the Green Party,
I've opted to bring in Chloe Swarbrick. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Has she consented to this? - Yeah, yeah, she's― she's here.
That's not― She's not that big, but she's here. (LAUGHTER)
- So, you do realise, Guy, that you're meant to bring in thebestgreen thing.
- Yes.
- Now, even if Chloe was the best thing in the Green Pa― She's number three.
- Yeah, but that― Who do you think does that list?
It's James Shaw and Marama David― It's not Chloe. (LAUGHTER)
Of course they're one and two.
- Laura, what did you bring in? - I brought in an absolute green icon.
I brought in the sexy green M&M. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Wow. - I actually think this is, like, the best green thing,
because it's really important that we have female role models in the M&M community.
(LAUGHTER)
- And do you think she's doing great things for women in those boots? (LAUGHTER)
With no pants? - I... Well... You know, Guy's got his legs crossed right now.
- Yes. I think we can all agree it's a very fuckable chocolate. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Matt, what did you bring in? What was your best green thing?
- What I've brought in is my recycling bin. (LAUGHTER)
So that'll help someone else be twice as green, cos they'll have two recycling bins.
- I mean, that looks like a massive fucking burden. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, you can put Chloe Swarbrick in it and take her home. (LAUGHTER)
- Chloe Swarbrick's a person; she walks and...
- Hold on for a second. This is a man who's brought in the best green thing.
You've clearly objectified a woman by making her into a thing. - Yeah.
- Yes, I can see― - And now you're judging me for saying put her in a recycling bin.
- I'm not judging anyone. I can see I'm in a hotbed situation here. (LAUGHTER)
I'd like to retract my riff. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Urzila, what did you bring? - Well, I thought, it's New Zealand.
You know, I wanted to go true Kiwi and bring something in that's close to the heart.
So I brought in marijuana. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(WHISTLING)
Once you enjoy my green thing, you'll see the light in their green things, and you'll go...
'Chloe.' (LAUGHTER)
- Should we do some scoring? - Uh, how do you wanna rank these?
- I'm not happy with what Guy's done, objectifying women, bringing in...
- No, you― But I-I-I literally coordinated for Chloe Swarbrick to come to this sh―
I mean, what I've done is incredible, and you― and please don't take this from me.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think one point for you, Guy. (LAUGHTER)
Laura, two points for you.
David, three points for you. - Those took so long to make! (LAUGHTER)
I made them on my phone!
- You've gotta get a computer, man. (LAUGHTER)
- Still three points there.
And four points for you, Matt. - Oh, thank you.
- Urzila, that's probably the most useful thing, so Urzila probably gets five points there.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That obviously puts Urzila in first place and Guy in last place.
But there are 49 more tasks, so it's anyone's game.
- Well, let's find out if they can keep it up.
I'd like to see one of our proper, meaty tasks, if that's OK, Paul.
- Well, thanks to the power of camera technology and editing software, I can show you one.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Gidday, Paul.
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Guy.
Hello, Urzila. - Hello.
- It's not in there.
- No?
- What are we doing in front of the caravan?
- There's a task in there.
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
This one?
- OK.
- READS: 'Knock over all the pins on the other side of the field.
- 'You cannot leave the caravan.'
- 'Paul cannot deliberately knock over the pins.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
Where's the pins?
That way.
Oh, but I can't leave the caravan. - Yes.
- I don't know who drilled these holes.
Like, someone with one giant thumb like a big toe and only pinkies.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAUGHS: Oh no.
I'm running into problems immediately.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Let's talk a little bit about attire first up.
Matt, my first thought was you look like an off-duty undercover policeman.
- Thank you. (LAUGHTER)
- Guy, what is that person on your T-shirt? Who is that?
- Oh, it's just a very cool T-shirt with a picture of Paul as a 14-year-old boy.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'd like to say I still have no idea how he got that photo. (LAUGHTER)
It sits in my parents' wardrobe. So someone in my inner circle has betrayed me.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm also annoyed he didn't take the Year 9 photo, which is a significantly cuter photo.
(LAUGHTER)
- I liked that photo because you can really see you're in the grips of puberty.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, shall we watch some caravan bowling?
- Yes. Now, it's important to remember I wasn't allowed to intentionally knock over the pins.
Let's start with the man with the most handsome T-shirt I've ever seen. It's Guy Montgomery.
- We'll role play. I'll be a quarterback, and you will be a wide receiver.
- OK.
- 24 blue. Hut!
Oh!
Hut!
A huge failure.
That was a bad pass.
- AUDIENCE: Oh!
- Bring it back!
I'll try the orange.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
I feel like I'm not going about this the most practical way.
Hey, Paul!
Can you please come halfway back towards me?
So, shut your eyes, turn around.
Stop. Run in a straight line towards the balls, please.
Stop!
OK.
Turn a little to your left.
No, no, a little to your right.
Straight line to the balls, please.
- The balls I feel like are over that way.
- I'm pretty sure they're right in front of you. Who's got their eyes open right now, Paul?
- You do.
- In a straight line towards the balls, please, Paul. This is a time-oriented task.
No, Pa...
Paul, that is completely the wrong direction.
You've run into a cameraman because you're not listening to me.
- Sorry.
- Turn around. Please go in a straight line.
Open your eyes. Retrieve the balls and bring them back to me. Fuckin' ridiculous.
(LAUGHTER)
Happy with yourself? - No. - You're embarrassing me.
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck!
Paul, I'm coming apart at the seams.
Could you take your jacket off, please?
About halfway between me and those pins is a slight rise. - OK.
- I want you to go lie down.
OK, now please turn 45 degrees.
So now turn your body end over end.
Yeah, you got it. You got it.
You need to get momentum going.
That's the way. Keep it up.
Keep building. You've got― You're going great. Keep building. Keep building.
Keep building. This is what the game's all about. Keep building. Keep building. Keep building.
Keep building. Keep building. Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK. - OK. Who leaves here?
- You leave.
- Oh, this is your caravan? - Yes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- At one stage, it was like one of those episodes on―
it's a dog show, where the shepherd just looks at a dog. You just looked at Paul, and Paul knew to run.
(LAUGHTER)
And then the other part when you said, 'Paul, you're embarrassing me,'
and then you threw the next orange into the roof of the caravan. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes.
I-I-I didn't do well,
which I've identified is one of the big problems with my performance in that task.
(LAUGHTER) - I feel like I should interject.
I swear he wasn't wearing that shirt before. (LAUGHTER)
But that is a photo of me again. (LAUGHTER)
- Stop it! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- Where did you get this one from? - Just down the shops. (LAUGHTER)
- Guy knocked down the pins in 10 minutes and 17 seconds.
- I'd love to watch the rest of you get some good bowling done,
but first, let's settle in for the first of many ad breaks we get to enjoy throughout season two.
We'll see you shortly. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster as we debut our triumphant second season.
Paul, whose bowling do we get to look at next?
- Bowling on a lawn should come naturally to these two,
as they're our most senior competitors. (LAUGHTER)
It's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson. (APPLAUSE)
- I've got an idea, Paul.
- Take your belt off and tie it to that chair.
- You're gonna blindfold me? - Yeah. And then I'll fire you like a bowling ball.
How long have I got? Oh, it's the fastest. - Yeah.
- Oh, I've gotta stop talking to you and get this done.
- All right. Let's take it for a test drive, all right? Close your eyes.
- Run straight in a straight line.
To your right!
No, no! Stop!
- 10 steps. Go.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
OK, left!
Stop.
- Stop! Half turn to your right.
- Go, jog. Jog, jog, jog, jog, jog, jog.
- Half turn to your left.
- Oh, dang it.
- Quarter turn to your left.
- Jump forward like a bunny.
- No, half turn. Oh, I see. Quarter turn.
- Oh, we got some! Stop.
- Like, an eighth of a turn to your left.
- Run.
(LAUGHS) It's not working, but I'm really enjoying it. (LAUGHS)
You're a very scared man, Paul.
- It's quite scary not being able to see.
- Run in a straight line and start kicking.
- Lean forward. Start hitting the wasps nests in front of you.
That's how you hit a wasps nest?
Go side to side. Make it a washing machine.
- Up! Stand up!
- There you go.
There you go! (LAUGHS)
- Now come to me, Paul. Come here, Paul. Good Paul.
Come here, boy. Good boy!
Good boy. Come here. Good boy.
(APPLAUSE)
- Urzila, I feel like my role as chief bullier of Paul on this show is being threatened by you.
- He's always there. He's like that brother that your mum has with your stepdad that you don't get on with.
(LAUGHTER)
So you love him cos you have to, but... guhhhh. (LAUGHTER)
- Matt, as you know, we have a pre-existing relationship. - Yeah.
- So my expectations of you are reasonably low. (LAUGHTER)
- And I don't respect your opinion. (LAUGHTER)
- Definitely living up to my expectations so far. There's no doubt about that.
How was the timing for those guys?
- Urzila, 8.50.
- I would have smashed that.
- Matt thinks he would've smashed it,
and he did. Three minutes and one second. - Whoa!
(APPLAUSE)
- Anyone left, Paul?
- These next two are no strangers to bowls. One bowls me over with her wonderful personality,
and the other one has a bowl cut. (LAUGHTER)
It's Laura Daniel and David Correos.
- Paul, can you drive?
- Yes.
- Paul, um, is this caravan moveable? - Yeah.
- Can, um― Can I get a car? - OK.
- Would you go get me a car with a tow bar? - Yes.
- Let's go drive.
- Let's do that. - OK.
- Go, go, go, go, go! You can do it, Paul!
- Though, this isn't very fast, is it?
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Nice.
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
It's very hard.
Would you mind moving to the back of the caravan? - Yeah. What are you trying to say?
- Um... - Yeah, no, that's fine. It's fine. I got it. I got the picture.
- Maybe I should crank this.
Yeah, cranking this is actually a lot easier.
- So it wasn't anything to do with my weight?
- No.
Oh!
- Move that caravan!
- OK, Paul, I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Come over here.
You're not allowed to knock those over, right? - Not intentionally, no.
- No, but you're allowed to bring them over here, eh? - Yeah.
- Can you please bring those over here? - OK.
- Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Stop.
Really good.
- Yeah, bring as many as you can. Cool.
Just put 'em― put 'em there.
(LAUGHTER)
- Don't worry; I got it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK. - Time.
- Cool. Let go.
This one.
One there.
And the last one.
Boom. Done.
- Thank you, Laura.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want me to move the car back? - No, I can do it.
Can you teach me how to drive?
(LAUGHTER)
- Slowly let the clutch out and do the accelerator.
- And the accelerator's the one on the far right? - Yes.
- Oh, fuck.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Do you feel safe? - No.
- Press the brake. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Whoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- What driver's licence do you have, David?
- Learner's. (LAUGHTER)
- How long have you had your learner's licence for? - Seven years.
(LAUGHTER)
- Apparently, he just about went into the fence, though.
- He did. He approached the fence quite hot. (LAUGHTER)
- Laura, and interestingly, you knocked over less with a bowling ball from a metre
than Guy did from 20. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes. (LAUGHTER)
- So, how long did it take those guys to knock the pins over?
- David, sadly, he did sit and wait for me to attach the caravan to the car for about 6½ minutes.
(LAUGHTER) So his overall time was 7.28.
- Oh. - Mm.
- OK, and what about Laura's time? - Laura, by one second, came last.
- (SQUEALS) (LAUGHTER)
- 10.18. Guy was 10.17.
In terms of points, we've got one point for Laura,
two points for Guy, three points for Urzila,
four points for David, and five points for Matt.
- Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, what are the scores so far, Paul?
- Currently in fourth equal, we have Guy and Laura.
And in first place on nine points, Matt Heath.
- Wow, wow. (APPLAUSE)
- I thought I was gonna struggle, consider our sort of... problems we have, Jerry,
so it's great to see that I've taken an early and unassailable lead. (LAUGHTER)
- These are only early days, Matt.
What do you say to another task, Paul?
- I say, yes, please, I'd love to watch another task. (LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Laura.
- (SIGHS)
- This is nice. - Thank you.
- Good to see you. - Good to see you.
- On the wings of an angel.
- Touched by an angel, eh?
- Did you lose your wings? - I don't have wings.
- Is that cos you fell? - Why did I fall? - (MOUTHS)
From the roof?
- Pick it up? - Yes, please.
- READS: 'Fly!'
- 'Best flying wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Fly?
- What?
- How the fuck am I gonna do that?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, this is a tricky task, considering none of our contestants can actually fly.
So, whose flying shall we inspect first, Paul?
- One has a Netflix comedy special, and the other has a Netflix account.
Here's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.
- Am I allowed into the water? - Yeah.
- I think I'm gonna put myself in here.
- How are you gonna get yourself in there?
- I'm just gonna put a version of me in there.
Cos we're all made from the same stuff, you know?
It's all just cells, isn't it? - And Blu-Tack?
- Let's go outside.
(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Kinda get the idea of what I'm trying to do here? - Yes.
- (LAUGHS) Can you get your head around it?
(LAUGHTER)
- (IMITATES WHOOSHING)
- Oh!
That's my wing.
- It kinda smells like sewage. - Uh, it's technically not.
(LAUGHTER)
- Boy!
- Do you think the Taskmaster will go for this shit if I just put his munted plane in a drain?
- He might be a little upset. - I'm gonna have to fly.
- (PANTS)
(LAUGHTER)
Can you hold that?
(LAUGHTER)
- Hold this. I'm gonna fly into this water pool. - Yeah.
- I'm gonna take my tool belt off. It's just decorative.
It's not that I fix shit; it's cos I'm a lesbian.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, we're not using the bike.
- Here I go. You ready? - Yes.
- We're gonna fly. I think this one's gonna go further.
- Propel me at pace, and then I'll launch. - OK.
- Go!
(LAUGHTER)
The win!
Gotta be faster than that!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Did I get airtime? - A little bit.
- There's definite sewage in here.
- That's a long way to fly. Look how far I flew.
It's like 10m, 20m.
- Maybe 3m.
Are you happy with that? - I'm peeing in the water.
- We done? - OK.
OK. - We did it. - Yep. Thank you.
- We did it. - OK. - (GRUNTS)
We did it, buddy, you and me. - Yeah. I'm glad we did it.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think that went well. - Yeah?
- Probably gonna get an infection somewhere.
- Thank you, Matt.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Urzila said that we were all made from the same stuff,
but the mini was made from Blu-Tack and cellophane.
- Oh, yeah, I know, but I was going deeper, on a cellular level ― we are all made from the same stuff.
- Blu-Tack? (LAUGHTER)
- It's just matter, mate. I don't wanna go all TED Talk here, but... (LAUGHTER)
- I wanna blame my tools for that. And Paul.
- I was pushing that wheelbarrow as hard as I could. It had quite a flat tyre.
- So, in a way, it's your fault and the wheelbarrow's fault as opposed to mine.
- I still kinda suspect you probably wouldn't have flown. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, I did fly.
- That's a fall. - No, cos I was...
(LAUGHTER)
- So, as well, just reiterate, it's thebestflying,... - Mm-hm.
- ...not the furthest. - Oh. - Oh.
(LAUGHTER) - Did it say that?
- I don't think you guys would've done well if it was best or furthest, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
Time for us to fly off your television screen for a brief period.
We'll be back with more amateur flight in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the only show where you can win an actual real-life politician and a ratty old green screen.
What's going on, Paul Williams?
- We're currently witnessing our contestants attempt the miracle of flight.
So far, we've seen two people jump into a pond. (LAUGHTER)
- Who is next? - It's David Correos.
- Can I print out, like, a tiny version of me,
and then attach it to a helium balloon and let it fly away?
- Yeah. - OK, I'm gonna do that.
Perfect. OK, cool.
(GAS HISSES)
(INHALES)
HIGH-PITCHED: Yay!
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
WHISPERS: Jesus Christ.
Oh, colour!
Colour!
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm trying two pieces of string so that I fly evenly.
- Four minutes and 55 seconds. - I'm ready. I'm done.
Shit.
Shit!
Shit!
Come on. (GAS HISSES)
Aah!
It's not enough. It's not enough helium.
(GROANS LOUDLY)
(GAS HISSES)
- You've got two minutes and 52 seconds.
- I'm ready to go. Let's do it. Let's go outside.
(BALLOONS SQUEAK)
OK.
And this is me flying.
And fly.
Fly, my pretty!
Fly!
I've gone in a jet stream!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I genuinely found that quite touching. - Thank you.
- It was a bit like Phileas Fogg and Passepartout.
- I'm too young for that reference. (LAUGHTER)
It's like the movie Up! (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Who's next, Paul?
- She likes to fly so much she has silver status on Air New Zealand, it's Laura Daniel.
- Paul, do you trust me?
- Yes. - Then let's go flying.
Three, two, one.
(WONDROUS MUSIC)
Wow!
Oh! Oh-oh!
Where do you wanna go see, Paul? - Um...
- We can go anywhere. - Nelson.
- Nelson. (CHUCKLES) OK.
Ready? Hold on.
Wow!
Whoa!
And we're here... in Nelson.
- Wow!
- LAUGHS: It's magical, isn't it, Paul? - Yeah.
- And what's that? - Uh, that's my childhood home.
- Your childhood home. - Yeah. The people who my parents sold it to,
they promised they wouldn't build that place on the back garden,
but then they just broke the promise, and they did it anyway.
- I'm sorry, man. - No, it's OK.
- Do you want us to fly away from there?
- If possible, yeah. - OK, let's just... we'll just turn the carpet round.
OK. Wow. We're leaving.
Where to next, Paul?
- Maybe Stoke? - Stoke.
- It's just― just― Well, it's part of Nelson, really. - OK, we're gonna go to Stoke.
Well, I really hope there's some stock footage of Stoke.
And if there isn't, how about a rainbow? - OK.
- Wow! - They have rainbows in Stoke.
- They have rainbows― This is a Stoke rainbow. - You got 30 seconds.
- OK. Shall we fly back over the fields to the Taskmaster house? - Uh, OK.
- OK, great.
# I can show you Taskmaster house.
# Taskmaster house is the way back home,
# and it's been a lovely flight
# to the Taskmaster house. #
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE)
OK. - Magic?
- Pretty magic, yeah. - Great. Well done. (GRUNTS) You're welcome. (GRUNTS)
- OK, thank you. - My knees.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I love the way that every time you go, 'Wow. Wow...' Every single manoeuvre was a 'wow'.
- Well, it was pretty, like, wow. (LAUGHS)
Am I right? Special effects. Bet you weren't expecting that.
- No. (LAUGHTER)
- David said it at the start of the show, the green screen ― incredibly powerful.
- Not then. (LAUGHTER)
- Anyone left? - We do have one more budding aviator. It's Guy Montgomery.
- Um...
Thinking we set up a little tarmac, and I'll fly over the trees, land down by the dock.
- How are you gonna do that?
- Well, I'll jump,...
and then, ideally, I'd just keep going. - OK.
(PERCUSSIVE FANFARE)
I don't think this is gonna work. - It's gonna work. It's gonna work. - OK. You're cleared fortake-off.
- Whoa! Hey!
Heya, Paul!
Paul, hey!
Paul!
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
- Wow. You happy with that?
- Am I happy with that?
Well, I just flew.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm the happiest I'll ever be. - OK. Thank you, Guy.
- I'm gonna walk back, even though I've got options.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was incredible, cos I actually genuinely thought
you were gonna go down the special-effects route, like Laura. - No, yeah.
- But you did it. You actually flew. (LAUGHTER)
- Wait, wait, wait. I know a lot about cinematic effects and stuff,
and there were special effects in that.
- Wait. Laura knows a lot about cinema, but it turns out I actually know quite a bit aboutflying.
(LAUGHTER)
And, mostly, you've gotta get a good jump. (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry, I don't wanna interrupt their flight of fantasy here, but we actually flew.
- MATT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Some people kept it real ― in the real world. - Gen X. Yeah.
- There's some special effects wizardry happening. - Yeah. Yeah.
- There's a reason they bundled your two videos of people jumping into a sewage pond together.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, cos we are prepared to take the risk!
- You guys definitely did the worst flying. (LAUGHTER)
- 10m, 15m.
- Urzila's one went a bit further, I so reckon Matt, you get one point. I think Urzila gets two points.
And I think David, I think you should get three.
And then I think Laura, you should get four.
And I think Guy, you should get five. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You'd think it was time for another task, but, in fact, it's time for ads.
Must be the time difference after all of the flying. We'll see you in a couple of minutes.
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five comedians are battling it out to take home Matt Heath's recycling bin and the sexiest M&M.
What's next, Paul? - I hope the contestants have been brushing up on their brushing.
It's a brush-based task. (LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Urzila. - Hi, bro.
- You wearing sunscreen? - Yes.
- How are you, mate?
- Ooh! Teeth.
- Thanks, Paul.
- (CHOMPS)
- Really wanna do well at this one, Paul.
- READS: 'Brush Paul's teeth from the furthest distance.'
- 'Furthest distance wins.'
- 'You have 20 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- What a day for Paul ― sunscreen and a clean mouth.
- Did you not brush your teeth this morning? - No.
- You probably wanna find out if ACC covers teeth. I'll be right back.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Great task here. Very simple. Who's first to give it a go, Paul?
- Up first, we have two fierce competitors. It's Urzila and Guy.
- Brush Paul's teeth from the furthest distance.
# From a healthy distance! #
- Do this admin at home; we wouldn't have to do it here.
- My dentist, he says only floss the teeth you wanna keep.
- I wish I'd had all four wisdom teeth taken out. - Stop flossing 'em.
- OK.
- Oh, she's a tight squeeze, Paul. (GRUNTS)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Get at the back. Yeah, boy.
- Gentle, boy.
- Oh!
- You got a little, um...
- Do you think anyone's gonna top that?
- Guy would go better. Just his arms would be that noodle.
- Thanks, Paul. - Thank you, Guy.
- Remember to floss.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Guy, I was just watching the way that you were actually holding the noodle,
you may have got some more distance by potentially holding it closer to Paul's mouth, maybe.
- Yeah. But my legs are strong, but my arms are flimsy. (LAUGHTER)
- You hardly got in the mouth, though. You were brushing his moustache there for a long time.
- Well, yeah, you― you had a pool noodle that was flaccid.
- I― It was flaccid, but it got the job done.
- If only there was a neutral party who experienced both brushes
who could tell us who did a better job of brushing. (LAUGHTER)
- But, no, both of them did quite a thorough job. In terms of distance, Urzila was 2.75m. Guywas 4.4m.
A bit further.
- Whose long-distance brushing are we gonna watch next?
- OK, well, this contestant, if you say his name quite quickly and really enunciate,
it sounds a bit like a Scottish person saying 'my teeth'. It's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- I could...
get really high.
Not, like, get really high; get really high in the air and dangle it off and brush.
Failed to find any tape.
How are you gonna measure this? - Aah!
- If you open your mouth...
(LAUGHTER)
Watch for your head!
And, um...
Now, I'm gonna get some extra height with this.
See what I'm lookin' at here?
Hey.
(GRUNTS)
And... Yep. That's a good brushing.
Getting your molars.
Now I'll do your canines.
What do you reckon? That's about 100m.
Yeah, I'm happy with that.
All right. Thank you, Paul.
(APPLAUSE)
- I've noticed something about you. 100m.
- It's very high. Like, it's hard to tell distance when you're up. Up looks less than along.
- It was 6.39m. - That's not bad. I'll take that. And it was a good wash.
- It was genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life. (LAUGHTER)
- It wasn't how much you enjoy it. - No.
- It was how― the distance involved. So 16.5m did you say? - 6.39m.
Yes, which does place Matt in the lead currently.
- OK, who's reaching for your gnashers next? - It's David Correos.
- I'll be back.
Paul!
- Yes?
- I'm gonna need you lying on your back.
I'll get you to lie― put your head right there.
How many minutes have I got? - 13 minutes and 20 seconds.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- (PANTS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Did it work? - Yeah. I think it brushed multiple teeth.
- Perfect! Done!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It was brush Paul's teeth. So, I mean, there wasn't a lot of brushing going on, obviously. It's just one―
- I brushed. It brushed the teeth. - It did brush multiple teeth.
- No, no, bro, that's fine. You brushed them.
- I went to the dentist the other day, and they asked me,
'How far away are you brushing your teeth from?' (LAUGHTER)
And I said, '142.7m,' which was David's score.
- Aw. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- We've got one more brusher, I believe. - Yes, it's Laura Daniel.
- Feels like I'm gonna need a contraption.
What is this long thing?
Worth it. It was a rake.
Ooh.
What if I got someone else to brush your teeth? - OK.
- Hi. Could you come help me brush some teeth?
OK, great. So I need you to come in and take this toothbrush.
OK, fantastic.
Can you still hear me? - Yep.
- How about now?
How about now?
I feel like this is pretty far.
- OK. It's a bit wobbly.
Yeah, it's in his mouth.
How's it feeling, Paul? - MUFFLED: Pretty good. - He said, 'Pretty good.'
- MUFFLED: Thank you, Laura.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Smart, Laura. - Yeah, well, you know, looked at the details,
and, uh, found the loophole. - Yeah.
How far away did Laura get exactly?
- Yeah, well, Laura with a telephone, she could go as far as her network would allow her.
And she chose to go 10.5m less than David. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Analogue wins again!
- So what are the final scores? - The final scores ― Urzila, one point; Guy, two points;
Matt, three points; Laura, four points; and with five points, David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Now it's time for you at home to brush your teeth
or however it is that you like to pass the time during a regularly scheduled ad break.
We'll see you very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back.
It's time for the thrilling conclusion of our series two premiere.
We're about to do a live task, where our contestants find out how much trickier it is to compete
in front of actual human beings with emotions rather than just Paul Williams.
Before we do that, Paul, a score update, please.
- Guy has 10 points. And in first place with 15 points, David. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well, should we head up the stairs for our live task, then? Let's do it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK. I am intrigued by what is happening here, Paul.
- Well, thanks for pretending not to know, Jeremy. So I'm gonna hand this task to David to read it.
- READS: 'Build the tallest tower of toilet rolls in front of your bin.
'You may not interfere with any other tower. You have 100 seconds.
'After 100 seconds, you will be brought down to the lower stage
'and allowed to throw one of your shoes at one tower of your choosing.'
- Oh!
- 'Once all contestants have thrown a shoe, the tallest toilet roll tower wins.
'Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
- Does everybody understand the task?
- Can we use a green screen or anything? (LAUGHTER)
- Everyone ready? - URZILA: Yes.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- David, would you like to talk us through your technique?
- Well, if it's not structurally sound, you can't fuck with it, can ya?
(LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)
- (LAUGHS)
- You've got 12 seconds. - Oh shit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands away, please. Hands away.
- Is that a tower? - I got the thing there! Look at the thing there!
- No, that is not― That is a pile of shit is what that is. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, whoever has the tallest tower is gonna throw their shoe first.
Matt, please come down.
There's a mark in the centre of that stage where you're going to throw a shoe from...
- OK. - ...at the tower of your choice.
You're in second with 13 points, so this is quite big for you.
- Matt, if you take out your competition, you got more chance of winning more points.
- Who's my competition? - That one right there. - URZILA: Him.
(LAUGHTER) - That one right there.
- Are we ready? - Over here! They didn't say we couldn't use distraction. Bah!
Ah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Up next is Laura Daniel. - My aim is terrible!
Aah! (APPLAUSE)
- Up next we have Guy Montgomery.
- You've got nothing to lose. You can't win this.
- Oh! (APPLAUSE)
- (EXHALES)
Closest, though!
- MATT: Don't do it, man. I've always had your back.
(LAURA LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)
- (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
- That looks like a loss for all of us, that.
- All right, let's see what all that means in terms of points. Come on down.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You all know the saying ― if you build it, they will throw a shoe at it,
and 100% of the bastards will miss it. (LAUGHTER)
We know that Matt Heath won. Who else got those highly sought-after points, Paul?
- Laura came second with four points; Guy, three points;
Urzila, two points; and David with one point,
which means, for the episode, a come-from-behind win, with 18 points, Matt Heath!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Matt Heath.
You are now the proud owner of Chloe Swarbrick and your own recycling bin.
Please celebrate accordingly.
One episode down ― we did it. And better yet, we did a lot of learning along the way too.
We learned that human flight is kind of no big deal.
We've learned that mobile phones are no more useful than a long piece of string.
And most importantly, we've learned that Matt Heath is the winner of episode one!
We'll see you next week. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions by Julie Taylor.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
There's a lesson here for everyone ― sometimes the key is not fucking around.
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
(THUD!)
- Work it, Paul.
- Why, it's a regular farm.
- (SCREAMS)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
- Ta-da!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome, television viewers to the second season of Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells.
You may know me from other trivial endeavours, but tonight, I return to my true passion―
sitting in this large throne and being the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
For the next 10 weeks, five comedians of varying levels of fame, talent and hand-eye coordination
will compete to win this,
a golden trophy made from a mould of my head.
Competing for this magnificent prize is our equally magnificent season two cast.
They are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
For months, these four award-winning comedians and Matt Heath... (LAUGHTER)
...have been completing tasks I set for them at our top-secret Taskmaster house.
By my side, as always, is the man who helps me do the things I can't be bothered doing,
like a walking Roomba with a lovely singing voice, it's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So good to be back, Jeremy.
And since it's the season two premiere, I thought I would make you a cake.
- Oh, that's nice of you. Thank you. - I-I didn't make the cake, but IthoughtI would.
(LAUGHTER) Um... I'm really shocked I didn't.
Basically, I didn't have any of the ingredients, except for sugar,
which I keep in this pocket in case I get tired. I just get in there and...
(LAUGHTER)
You can have some of that, if you want.
- Did you buy me a cake or a...? - No. No, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
- Paul, would you care to explain our first task?
- Our first task is a prize task.
The person who brings the best prize will get five points,
and whoever has the most points at the end of the episode will take home all five prizes.
Tonight, we asked them to bring in what they consider to be the best green thing.
- Mm, OK. Should we, uh, start with you, David Correos? What did you bring in?
- Well, Jeremy, what about a green thing that has every possibility under the sun withit?
Green screen! (LAUGHTER)
Green screen! (APPLAUSE)
- Green screen. - Look at my lovely holiday that I went on.
(LAUGHTER) - Oh! Oh, it's just me swimming with the fishes.
What about this? (APPLAUSE)
Now a man of culture. Look at that! - Strangely disturbing.
- Well, I got one more, Jeremy. Actually, we're pretty close friends.
I don't know if you know this, but... (LAUGHTER)
- Looks like you've gone back in time about 10 years for that photo as well.
- It was pre all your sunbeds, Jeremy. (LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- I see how this is gonna work, Laura. (LAUGHTER)
Guy Montgomery, what did you bring in?
- Well, with due respect to the green screen and all of the other nine members of the Green Party,
I've opted to bring in Chloe Swarbrick. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Has she consented to this? - Yeah, yeah, she's― she's here.
That's not― She's not that big, but she's here. (LAUGHTER)
- So, you do realise, Guy, that you're meant to bring in thebestgreen thing.
- Yes.
- Now, even if Chloe was the best thing in the Green Pa― She's number three.
- Yeah, but that― Who do you think does that list?
It's James Shaw and Marama David― It's not Chloe. (LAUGHTER)
Of course they're one and two.
- Laura, what did you bring in? - I brought in an absolute green icon.
I brought in the sexy green M&M. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
- Wow. - I actually think this is, like, the best green thing,
because it's really important that we have female role models in the M&M community.
(LAUGHTER)
- And do you think she's doing great things for women in those boots? (LAUGHTER)
With no pants? - I... Well... You know, Guy's got his legs crossed right now.
- Yes. I think we can all agree it's a very fuckable chocolate. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Matt, what did you bring in? What was your best green thing?
- What I've brought in is my recycling bin. (LAUGHTER)
So that'll help someone else be twice as green, cos they'll have two recycling bins.
- I mean, that looks like a massive fucking burden. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, you can put Chloe Swarbrick in it and take her home. (LAUGHTER)
- Chloe Swarbrick's a person; she walks and...
- Hold on for a second. This is a man who's brought in the best green thing.
You've clearly objectified a woman by making her into a thing. - Yeah.
- Yes, I can see― - And now you're judging me for saying put her in a recycling bin.
- I'm not judging anyone. I can see I'm in a hotbed situation here. (LAUGHTER)
I'd like to retract my riff. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Urzila, what did you bring? - Well, I thought, it's New Zealand.
You know, I wanted to go true Kiwi and bring something in that's close to the heart.
So I brought in marijuana. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(WHISTLING)
Once you enjoy my green thing, you'll see the light in their green things, and you'll go...
'Chloe.' (LAUGHTER)
- Should we do some scoring? - Uh, how do you wanna rank these?
- I'm not happy with what Guy's done, objectifying women, bringing in...
- No, you― But I-I-I literally coordinated for Chloe Swarbrick to come to this sh―
I mean, what I've done is incredible, and you― and please don't take this from me.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think one point for you, Guy. (LAUGHTER)
Laura, two points for you.
David, three points for you. - Those took so long to make! (LAUGHTER)
I made them on my phone!
- You've gotta get a computer, man. (LAUGHTER)
- Still three points there.
And four points for you, Matt. - Oh, thank you.
- Urzila, that's probably the most useful thing, so Urzila probably gets five points there.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That obviously puts Urzila in first place and Guy in last place.
But there are 49 more tasks, so it's anyone's game.
- Well, let's find out if they can keep it up.
I'd like to see one of our proper, meaty tasks, if that's OK, Paul.
- Well, thanks to the power of camera technology and editing software, I can show you one.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Gidday, Paul.
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Guy.
Hello, Urzila. - Hello.
- It's not in there.
- No?
- What are we doing in front of the caravan?
- There's a task in there.
- Ooh.
- Ooh!
This one?
- OK.
- READS: 'Knock over all the pins on the other side of the field.
- 'You cannot leave the caravan.'
- 'Paul cannot deliberately knock over the pins.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
Where's the pins?
That way.
Oh, but I can't leave the caravan. - Yes.
- I don't know who drilled these holes.
Like, someone with one giant thumb like a big toe and only pinkies.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAUGHS: Oh no.
I'm running into problems immediately.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Let's talk a little bit about attire first up.
Matt, my first thought was you look like an off-duty undercover policeman.
- Thank you. (LAUGHTER)
- Guy, what is that person on your T-shirt? Who is that?
- Oh, it's just a very cool T-shirt with a picture of Paul as a 14-year-old boy.
(LAUGHTER)
- I'd like to say I still have no idea how he got that photo. (LAUGHTER)
It sits in my parents' wardrobe. So someone in my inner circle has betrayed me.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm also annoyed he didn't take the Year 9 photo, which is a significantly cuter photo.
(LAUGHTER)
- I liked that photo because you can really see you're in the grips of puberty.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, shall we watch some caravan bowling?
- Yes. Now, it's important to remember I wasn't allowed to intentionally knock over the pins.
Let's start with the man with the most handsome T-shirt I've ever seen. It's Guy Montgomery.
- We'll role play. I'll be a quarterback, and you will be a wide receiver.
- OK.
- 24 blue. Hut!
Oh!
Hut!
A huge failure.
That was a bad pass.
- AUDIENCE: Oh!
- Bring it back!
I'll try the orange.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
I feel like I'm not going about this the most practical way.
Hey, Paul!
Can you please come halfway back towards me?
So, shut your eyes, turn around.
Stop. Run in a straight line towards the balls, please.
Stop!
OK.
Turn a little to your left.
No, no, a little to your right.
Straight line to the balls, please.
- The balls I feel like are over that way.
- I'm pretty sure they're right in front of you. Who's got their eyes open right now, Paul?
- You do.
- In a straight line towards the balls, please, Paul. This is a time-oriented task.
No, Pa...
Paul, that is completely the wrong direction.
You've run into a cameraman because you're not listening to me.
- Sorry.
- Turn around. Please go in a straight line.
Open your eyes. Retrieve the balls and bring them back to me. Fuckin' ridiculous.
(LAUGHTER)
Happy with yourself? - No. - You're embarrassing me.
(LAUGHTER)
Fuck!
Paul, I'm coming apart at the seams.
Could you take your jacket off, please?
About halfway between me and those pins is a slight rise. - OK.
- I want you to go lie down.
OK, now please turn 45 degrees.
So now turn your body end over end.
Yeah, you got it. You got it.
You need to get momentum going.
That's the way. Keep it up.
Keep building. You've got― You're going great. Keep building. Keep building.
Keep building. This is what the game's all about. Keep building. Keep building. Keep building.
Keep building. Keep building. Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK. - OK. Who leaves here?
- You leave.
- Oh, this is your caravan? - Yes.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- At one stage, it was like one of those episodes on―
it's a dog show, where the shepherd just looks at a dog. You just looked at Paul, and Paul knew to run.
(LAUGHTER)
And then the other part when you said, 'Paul, you're embarrassing me,'
and then you threw the next orange into the roof of the caravan. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes.
I-I-I didn't do well,
which I've identified is one of the big problems with my performance in that task.
(LAUGHTER) - I feel like I should interject.
I swear he wasn't wearing that shirt before. (LAUGHTER)
But that is a photo of me again. (LAUGHTER)
- Stop it! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- Where did you get this one from? - Just down the shops. (LAUGHTER)
- Guy knocked down the pins in 10 minutes and 17 seconds.
- I'd love to watch the rest of you get some good bowling done,
but first, let's settle in for the first of many ad breaks we get to enjoy throughout season two.
We'll see you shortly. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster as we debut our triumphant second season.
Paul, whose bowling do we get to look at next?
- Bowling on a lawn should come naturally to these two,
as they're our most senior competitors. (LAUGHTER)
It's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson. (APPLAUSE)
- I've got an idea, Paul.
- Take your belt off and tie it to that chair.
- You're gonna blindfold me? - Yeah. And then I'll fire you like a bowling ball.
How long have I got? Oh, it's the fastest. - Yeah.
- Oh, I've gotta stop talking to you and get this done.
- All right. Let's take it for a test drive, all right? Close your eyes.
- Run straight in a straight line.
To your right!
No, no! Stop!
- 10 steps. Go.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine...
OK, left!
Stop.
- Stop! Half turn to your right.
- Go, jog. Jog, jog, jog, jog, jog, jog.
- Half turn to your left.
- Oh, dang it.
- Quarter turn to your left.
- Jump forward like a bunny.
- No, half turn. Oh, I see. Quarter turn.
- Oh, we got some! Stop.
- Like, an eighth of a turn to your left.
- Run.
(LAUGHS) It's not working, but I'm really enjoying it. (LAUGHS)
You're a very scared man, Paul.
- It's quite scary not being able to see.
- Run in a straight line and start kicking.
- Lean forward. Start hitting the wasps nests in front of you.
That's how you hit a wasps nest?
Go side to side. Make it a washing machine.
- Up! Stand up!
- There you go.
There you go! (LAUGHS)
- Now come to me, Paul. Come here, Paul. Good Paul.
Come here, boy. Good boy!
Good boy. Come here. Good boy.
(APPLAUSE)
- Urzila, I feel like my role as chief bullier of Paul on this show is being threatened by you.
- He's always there. He's like that brother that your mum has with your stepdad that you don't get on with.
(LAUGHTER)
So you love him cos you have to, but... guhhhh. (LAUGHTER)
- Matt, as you know, we have a pre-existing relationship. - Yeah.
- So my expectations of you are reasonably low. (LAUGHTER)
- And I don't respect your opinion. (LAUGHTER)
- Definitely living up to my expectations so far. There's no doubt about that.
How was the timing for those guys?
- Urzila, 8.50.
- I would have smashed that.
- Matt thinks he would've smashed it,
and he did. Three minutes and one second. - Whoa!
(APPLAUSE)
- Anyone left, Paul?
- These next two are no strangers to bowls. One bowls me over with her wonderful personality,
and the other one has a bowl cut. (LAUGHTER)
It's Laura Daniel and David Correos.
- Paul, can you drive?
- Yes.
- Paul, um, is this caravan moveable? - Yeah.
- Can, um― Can I get a car? - OK.
- Would you go get me a car with a tow bar? - Yes.
- Let's go drive.
- Let's do that. - OK.
- Go, go, go, go, go! You can do it, Paul!
- Though, this isn't very fast, is it?
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Nice.
- (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
It's very hard.
Would you mind moving to the back of the caravan? - Yeah. What are you trying to say?
- Um... - Yeah, no, that's fine. It's fine. I got it. I got the picture.
- Maybe I should crank this.
Yeah, cranking this is actually a lot easier.
- So it wasn't anything to do with my weight?
- No.
Oh!
- Move that caravan!
- OK, Paul, I've got an idea. I've got an idea. Come over here.
You're not allowed to knock those over, right? - Not intentionally, no.
- No, but you're allowed to bring them over here, eh? - Yeah.
- Can you please bring those over here? - OK.
- Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Stop.
Really good.
- Yeah, bring as many as you can. Cool.
Just put 'em― put 'em there.
(LAUGHTER)
- Don't worry; I got it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK. - Time.
- Cool. Let go.
This one.
One there.
And the last one.
Boom. Done.
- Thank you, Laura.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want me to move the car back? - No, I can do it.
Can you teach me how to drive?
(LAUGHTER)
- Slowly let the clutch out and do the accelerator.
- And the accelerator's the one on the far right? - Yes.
- Oh, fuck.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Do you feel safe? - No.
- Press the brake. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Whoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- What driver's licence do you have, David?
- Learner's. (LAUGHTER)
- How long have you had your learner's licence for? - Seven years.
(LAUGHTER)
- Apparently, he just about went into the fence, though.
- He did. He approached the fence quite hot. (LAUGHTER)
- Laura, and interestingly, you knocked over less with a bowling ball from a metre
than Guy did from 20. (LAUGHTER)
- Yes. (LAUGHTER)
- So, how long did it take those guys to knock the pins over?
- David, sadly, he did sit and wait for me to attach the caravan to the car for about 6½ minutes.
(LAUGHTER) So his overall time was 7.28.
- Oh. - Mm.
- OK, and what about Laura's time? - Laura, by one second, came last.
- (SQUEALS) (LAUGHTER)
- 10.18. Guy was 10.17.
In terms of points, we've got one point for Laura,
two points for Guy, three points for Urzila,
four points for David, and five points for Matt.
- Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, what are the scores so far, Paul?
- Currently in fourth equal, we have Guy and Laura.
And in first place on nine points, Matt Heath.
- Wow, wow. (APPLAUSE)
- I thought I was gonna struggle, consider our sort of... problems we have, Jerry,
so it's great to see that I've taken an early and unassailable lead. (LAUGHTER)
- These are only early days, Matt.
What do you say to another task, Paul?
- I say, yes, please, I'd love to watch another task. (LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Laura.
- (SIGHS)
- This is nice. - Thank you.
- Good to see you. - Good to see you.
- On the wings of an angel.
- Touched by an angel, eh?
- Did you lose your wings? - I don't have wings.
- Is that cos you fell? - Why did I fall? - (MOUTHS)
From the roof?
- Pick it up? - Yes, please.
- READS: 'Fly!'
- 'Best flying wins.'
- 'You have 30 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- Fly?
- What?
- How the fuck am I gonna do that?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, this is a tricky task, considering none of our contestants can actually fly.
So, whose flying shall we inspect first, Paul?
- One has a Netflix comedy special, and the other has a Netflix account.
Here's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.
- Am I allowed into the water? - Yeah.
- I think I'm gonna put myself in here.
- How are you gonna get yourself in there?
- I'm just gonna put a version of me in there.
Cos we're all made from the same stuff, you know?
It's all just cells, isn't it? - And Blu-Tack?
- Let's go outside.
(UPBEAT, QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Kinda get the idea of what I'm trying to do here? - Yes.
- (LAUGHS) Can you get your head around it?
(LAUGHTER)
- (IMITATES WHOOSHING)
- Oh!
That's my wing.
- It kinda smells like sewage. - Uh, it's technically not.
(LAUGHTER)
- Boy!
- Do you think the Taskmaster will go for this shit if I just put his munted plane in a drain?
- He might be a little upset. - I'm gonna have to fly.
- (PANTS)
(LAUGHTER)
Can you hold that?
(LAUGHTER)
- Hold this. I'm gonna fly into this water pool. - Yeah.
- I'm gonna take my tool belt off. It's just decorative.
It's not that I fix shit; it's cos I'm a lesbian.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- OK, we're not using the bike.
- Here I go. You ready? - Yes.
- We're gonna fly. I think this one's gonna go further.
- Propel me at pace, and then I'll launch. - OK.
- Go!
(LAUGHTER)
The win!
Gotta be faster than that!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(LAUGHTER)
Did I get airtime? - A little bit.
- There's definite sewage in here.
- That's a long way to fly. Look how far I flew.
It's like 10m, 20m.
- Maybe 3m.
Are you happy with that? - I'm peeing in the water.
- We done? - OK.
OK. - We did it. - Yep. Thank you.
- We did it. - OK. - (GRUNTS)
We did it, buddy, you and me. - Yeah. I'm glad we did it.
(LAUGHTER)
- I think that went well. - Yeah?
- Probably gonna get an infection somewhere.
- Thank you, Matt.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Urzila said that we were all made from the same stuff,
but the mini was made from Blu-Tack and cellophane.
- Oh, yeah, I know, but I was going deeper, on a cellular level ― we are all made from the same stuff.
- Blu-Tack? (LAUGHTER)
- It's just matter, mate. I don't wanna go all TED Talk here, but... (LAUGHTER)
- I wanna blame my tools for that. And Paul.
- I was pushing that wheelbarrow as hard as I could. It had quite a flat tyre.
- So, in a way, it's your fault and the wheelbarrow's fault as opposed to mine.
- I still kinda suspect you probably wouldn't have flown. (LAUGHTER)
- Well, I did fly.
- That's a fall. - No, cos I was...
(LAUGHTER)
- So, as well, just reiterate, it's thebestflying,... - Mm-hm.
- ...not the furthest. - Oh. - Oh.
(LAUGHTER) - Did it say that?
- I don't think you guys would've done well if it was best or furthest, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)
Time for us to fly off your television screen for a brief period.
We'll be back with more amateur flight in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the only show where you can win an actual real-life politician and a ratty old green screen.
What's going on, Paul Williams?
- We're currently witnessing our contestants attempt the miracle of flight.
So far, we've seen two people jump into a pond. (LAUGHTER)
- Who is next? - It's David Correos.
- Can I print out, like, a tiny version of me,
and then attach it to a helium balloon and let it fly away?
- Yeah. - OK, I'm gonna do that.
Perfect. OK, cool.
(GAS HISSES)
(INHALES)
HIGH-PITCHED: Yay!
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
WHISPERS: Jesus Christ.
Oh, colour!
Colour!
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm trying two pieces of string so that I fly evenly.
- Four minutes and 55 seconds. - I'm ready. I'm done.
Shit.
Shit!
Shit!
Come on. (GAS HISSES)
Aah!
It's not enough. It's not enough helium.
(GROANS LOUDLY)
(GAS HISSES)
- You've got two minutes and 52 seconds.
- I'm ready to go. Let's do it. Let's go outside.
(BALLOONS SQUEAK)
OK.
And this is me flying.
And fly.
Fly, my pretty!
Fly!
I've gone in a jet stream!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I genuinely found that quite touching. - Thank you.
- It was a bit like Phileas Fogg and Passepartout.
- I'm too young for that reference. (LAUGHTER)
It's like the movie Up! (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Who's next, Paul?
- She likes to fly so much she has silver status on Air New Zealand, it's Laura Daniel.
- Paul, do you trust me?
- Yes. - Then let's go flying.
Three, two, one.
(WONDROUS MUSIC)
Wow!
Oh! Oh-oh!
Where do you wanna go see, Paul? - Um...
- We can go anywhere. - Nelson.
- Nelson. (CHUCKLES) OK.
Ready? Hold on.
Wow!
Whoa!
And we're here... in Nelson.
- Wow!
- LAUGHS: It's magical, isn't it, Paul? - Yeah.
- And what's that? - Uh, that's my childhood home.
- Your childhood home. - Yeah. The people who my parents sold it to,
they promised they wouldn't build that place on the back garden,
but then they just broke the promise, and they did it anyway.
- I'm sorry, man. - No, it's OK.
- Do you want us to fly away from there?
- If possible, yeah. - OK, let's just... we'll just turn the carpet round.
OK. Wow. We're leaving.
Where to next, Paul?
- Maybe Stoke? - Stoke.
- It's just― just― Well, it's part of Nelson, really. - OK, we're gonna go to Stoke.
Well, I really hope there's some stock footage of Stoke.
And if there isn't, how about a rainbow? - OK.
- Wow! - They have rainbows in Stoke.
- They have rainbows― This is a Stoke rainbow. - You got 30 seconds.
- OK. Shall we fly back over the fields to the Taskmaster house? - Uh, OK.
- OK, great.
# I can show you Taskmaster house.
# Taskmaster house is the way back home,
# and it's been a lovely flight
# to the Taskmaster house. #
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
(APPLAUSE)
OK. - Magic?
- Pretty magic, yeah. - Great. Well done. (GRUNTS) You're welcome. (GRUNTS)
- OK, thank you. - My knees.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I love the way that every time you go, 'Wow. Wow...' Every single manoeuvre was a 'wow'.
- Well, it was pretty, like, wow. (LAUGHS)
Am I right? Special effects. Bet you weren't expecting that.
- No. (LAUGHTER)
- David said it at the start of the show, the green screen ― incredibly powerful.
- Not then. (LAUGHTER)
- Anyone left? - We do have one more budding aviator. It's Guy Montgomery.
- Um...
Thinking we set up a little tarmac, and I'll fly over the trees, land down by the dock.
- How are you gonna do that?
- Well, I'll jump,...
and then, ideally, I'd just keep going. - OK.
(PERCUSSIVE FANFARE)
I don't think this is gonna work. - It's gonna work. It's gonna work. - OK. You're cleared fortake-off.
- Whoa! Hey!
Heya, Paul!
Paul, hey!
Paul!
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
- Wow. You happy with that?
- Am I happy with that?
Well, I just flew.
(LAUGHTER)
I'm the happiest I'll ever be. - OK. Thank you, Guy.
- I'm gonna walk back, even though I've got options.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was incredible, cos I actually genuinely thought
you were gonna go down the special-effects route, like Laura. - No, yeah.
- But you did it. You actually flew. (LAUGHTER)
- Wait, wait, wait. I know a lot about cinematic effects and stuff,
and there were special effects in that.
- Wait. Laura knows a lot about cinema, but it turns out I actually know quite a bit aboutflying.
(LAUGHTER)
And, mostly, you've gotta get a good jump. (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry, I don't wanna interrupt their flight of fantasy here, but we actually flew.
- MATT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)
Some people kept it real ― in the real world. - Gen X. Yeah.
- There's some special effects wizardry happening. - Yeah. Yeah.
- There's a reason they bundled your two videos of people jumping into a sewage pond together.
(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, cos we are prepared to take the risk!
- You guys definitely did the worst flying. (LAUGHTER)
- 10m, 15m.
- Urzila's one went a bit further, I so reckon Matt, you get one point. I think Urzila gets two points.
And I think David, I think you should get three.
And then I think Laura, you should get four.
And I think Guy, you should get five. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You'd think it was time for another task, but, in fact, it's time for ads.
Must be the time difference after all of the flying. We'll see you in a couple of minutes.
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five comedians are battling it out to take home Matt Heath's recycling bin and the sexiest M&M.
What's next, Paul? - I hope the contestants have been brushing up on their brushing.
It's a brush-based task. (LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Hello, Urzila. - Hi, bro.
- You wearing sunscreen? - Yes.
- How are you, mate?
- Ooh! Teeth.
- Thanks, Paul.
- (CHOMPS)
- Really wanna do well at this one, Paul.
- READS: 'Brush Paul's teeth from the furthest distance.'
- 'Furthest distance wins.'
- 'You have 20 minutes.'
- 'Your time starts now.'
- What a day for Paul ― sunscreen and a clean mouth.
- Did you not brush your teeth this morning? - No.
- You probably wanna find out if ACC covers teeth. I'll be right back.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Great task here. Very simple. Who's first to give it a go, Paul?
- Up first, we have two fierce competitors. It's Urzila and Guy.
- Brush Paul's teeth from the furthest distance.
# From a healthy distance! #
- Do this admin at home; we wouldn't have to do it here.
- My dentist, he says only floss the teeth you wanna keep.
- I wish I'd had all four wisdom teeth taken out. - Stop flossing 'em.
- OK.
- Oh, she's a tight squeeze, Paul. (GRUNTS)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Get at the back. Yeah, boy.
- Gentle, boy.
- Oh!
- You got a little, um...
- Do you think anyone's gonna top that?
- Guy would go better. Just his arms would be that noodle.
- Thanks, Paul. - Thank you, Guy.
- Remember to floss.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Guy, I was just watching the way that you were actually holding the noodle,
you may have got some more distance by potentially holding it closer to Paul's mouth, maybe.
- Yeah. But my legs are strong, but my arms are flimsy. (LAUGHTER)
- You hardly got in the mouth, though. You were brushing his moustache there for a long time.
- Well, yeah, you― you had a pool noodle that was flaccid.
- I― It was flaccid, but it got the job done.
- If only there was a neutral party who experienced both brushes
who could tell us who did a better job of brushing. (LAUGHTER)
- But, no, both of them did quite a thorough job. In terms of distance, Urzila was 2.75m. Guywas 4.4m.
A bit further.
- Whose long-distance brushing are we gonna watch next?
- OK, well, this contestant, if you say his name quite quickly and really enunciate,
it sounds a bit like a Scottish person saying 'my teeth'. It's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- I could...
get really high.
Not, like, get really high; get really high in the air and dangle it off and brush.
Failed to find any tape.
How are you gonna measure this? - Aah!
- If you open your mouth...
(LAUGHTER)
Watch for your head!
And, um...
Now, I'm gonna get some extra height with this.
See what I'm lookin' at here?
Hey.
(GRUNTS)
And... Yep. That's a good brushing.
Getting your molars.
Now I'll do your canines.
What do you reckon? That's about 100m.
Yeah, I'm happy with that.
All right. Thank you, Paul.
(APPLAUSE)
- I've noticed something about you. 100m.
- It's very high. Like, it's hard to tell distance when you're up. Up looks less than along.
- It was 6.39m. - That's not bad. I'll take that. And it was a good wash.
- It was genuinely one of the worst experiences of my life. (LAUGHTER)
- It wasn't how much you enjoy it. - No.
- It was how― the distance involved. So 16.5m did you say? - 6.39m.
Yes, which does place Matt in the lead currently.
- OK, who's reaching for your gnashers next? - It's David Correos.
- I'll be back.
Paul!
- Yes?
- I'm gonna need you lying on your back.
I'll get you to lie― put your head right there.
How many minutes have I got? - 13 minutes and 20 seconds.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- (PANTS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Did it work? - Yeah. I think it brushed multiple teeth.
- Perfect! Done!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- It was brush Paul's teeth. So, I mean, there wasn't a lot of brushing going on, obviously. It's just one―
- I brushed. It brushed the teeth. - It did brush multiple teeth.
- No, no, bro, that's fine. You brushed them.
- I went to the dentist the other day, and they asked me,
'How far away are you brushing your teeth from?' (LAUGHTER)
And I said, '142.7m,' which was David's score.
- Aw. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- We've got one more brusher, I believe. - Yes, it's Laura Daniel.
- Feels like I'm gonna need a contraption.
What is this long thing?
Worth it. It was a rake.
Ooh.
What if I got someone else to brush your teeth? - OK.
- Hi. Could you come help me brush some teeth?
OK, great. So I need you to come in and take this toothbrush.
OK, fantastic.
Can you still hear me? - Yep.
- How about now?
How about now?
I feel like this is pretty far.
- OK. It's a bit wobbly.
Yeah, it's in his mouth.
How's it feeling, Paul? - MUFFLED: Pretty good. - He said, 'Pretty good.'
- MUFFLED: Thank you, Laura.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Smart, Laura. - Yeah, well, you know, looked at the details,
and, uh, found the loophole. - Yeah.
How far away did Laura get exactly?
- Yeah, well, Laura with a telephone, she could go as far as her network would allow her.
And she chose to go 10.5m less than David. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- Analogue wins again!
- So what are the final scores? - The final scores ― Urzila, one point; Guy, two points;
Matt, three points; Laura, four points; and with five points, David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Now it's time for you at home to brush your teeth
or however it is that you like to pass the time during a regularly scheduled ad break.
We'll see you very, very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back.
It's time for the thrilling conclusion of our series two premiere.
We're about to do a live task, where our contestants find out how much trickier it is to compete
in front of actual human beings with emotions rather than just Paul Williams.
Before we do that, Paul, a score update, please.
- Guy has 10 points. And in first place with 15 points, David. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Well, should we head up the stairs for our live task, then? Let's do it.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
OK. I am intrigued by what is happening here, Paul.
- Well, thanks for pretending not to know, Jeremy. So I'm gonna hand this task to David to read it.
- READS: 'Build the tallest tower of toilet rolls in front of your bin.
'You may not interfere with any other tower. You have 100 seconds.
'After 100 seconds, you will be brought down to the lower stage
'and allowed to throw one of your shoes at one tower of your choosing.'
- Oh!
- 'Once all contestants have thrown a shoe, the tallest toilet roll tower wins.
'Your time starts on Paul's whistle.'
- Does everybody understand the task?
- Can we use a green screen or anything? (LAUGHTER)
- Everyone ready? - URZILA: Yes.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- David, would you like to talk us through your technique?
- Well, if it's not structurally sound, you can't fuck with it, can ya?
(LAUGHTER)
(GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)
- (LAUGHS)
- You've got 12 seconds. - Oh shit.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands away, please. Hands away.
- Is that a tower? - I got the thing there! Look at the thing there!
- No, that is not― That is a pile of shit is what that is. (LAUGHTER)
- OK, whoever has the tallest tower is gonna throw their shoe first.
Matt, please come down.
There's a mark in the centre of that stage where you're going to throw a shoe from...
- OK. - ...at the tower of your choice.
You're in second with 13 points, so this is quite big for you.
- Matt, if you take out your competition, you got more chance of winning more points.
- Who's my competition? - That one right there. - URZILA: Him.
(LAUGHTER) - That one right there.
- Are we ready? - Over here! They didn't say we couldn't use distraction. Bah!
Ah! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Up next is Laura Daniel. - My aim is terrible!
Aah! (APPLAUSE)
- Up next we have Guy Montgomery.
- You've got nothing to lose. You can't win this.
- Oh! (APPLAUSE)
- (EXHALES)
Closest, though!
- MATT: Don't do it, man. I've always had your back.
(LAURA LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE SHOUTS)
- (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
- That looks like a loss for all of us, that.
- All right, let's see what all that means in terms of points. Come on down.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You all know the saying ― if you build it, they will throw a shoe at it,
and 100% of the bastards will miss it. (LAUGHTER)
We know that Matt Heath won. Who else got those highly sought-after points, Paul?
- Laura came second with four points; Guy, three points;
Urzila, two points; and David with one point,
which means, for the episode, a come-from-behind win, with 18 points, Matt Heath!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Congratulations, Matt Heath.
You are now the proud owner of Chloe Swarbrick and your own recycling bin.
Please celebrate accordingly.
One episode down ― we did it. And better yet, we did a lot of learning along the way too.
We learned that human flight is kind of no big deal.
We've learned that mobile phones are no more useful than a long piece of string.
And most importantly, we've learned that Matt Heath is the winner of episode one!
We'll see you next week. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions by Julie Taylor.
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.
There's a lesson here for everyone ― sometimes the key is not fucking around.
(LAUGHTER)
(POP!)
(THUD!)
- Work it, Paul.
- Why, it's a regular farm.
- (SCREAMS)