Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - The Barrel Dad - full transcript

A hammock-based task threatens to tear the team apart.

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SHE GASPS

Ooh!

HOOT!

Argh!

Ah! No! Wah!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everybody. I am Greg Davies.

Come, take my hand and run,

as I guide you through the
giddy pleasure fields of Taskmaster.

Forget about
all the bad things in life,

let's rip off our shirts, hold each
other tightly and work up a sweat



as we glide through my land.

Phwoar!

LAUGHTER

The five contestants competing
for this top-notch trophy are...

Iain Stirling,

Joe Thomas,

Lou Sanders,

Paul Sinha

and Sian Gibson.

And look what the cat dragged in -

a scruffy, lice-infested baby rat!

HIGH-PITCHED:
It's little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, are you OK, Alex?



I'm OK, I am OK.

You know I get so hot
because of my admin,

but today I've got the wristbands
and the ankle bands.

So they will just collect the
moisture throughout the evening,

and I will be better for it.

LAUGHTER

Alex, can we have
the Prize Task, please?

Yes. This week,
it really is the Prize Task,

because they've been asked
to bring in

the best present for a doctor.

Paul, welcome to
episode number four.

Hello. We're starting
with you, I presume,

because you did once...be a doctor.

LAUGHTER

I am a qualified GP, and the worst
thing about being a Chaser and a GP

is being on a flight and someone
falling ill and somebody saying,

"Is there a doctor on the plane?"

So the best gift
that you can give to a doctor

is something to stop him from being
bothered by the general public.

Here we go. There it is.

Is that you?! That is absolutely me.

You look about ten years younger.
You should do that.

I mean, she's right,
it really has given you a lift.

And if I do look
like that on a plane,

people will be looking at me,
but not with hope.

OK. All right, Greg?

So it's very much
a present to himself. Yeah.

Who's next? OK. Next up, Joe. Joe.

Just best present to give anyone -

a BMX.

APPLAUSE

Um... BMXs are cool.

Tick. Doctors are cool as well.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why shouldn't
they have some downtime?

Why shouldn't they have
some downtime... Yeah.

..and take in a few
leaps and skids and, um...

I'm beginning to think
this isn't your BMX,

cos you don't know enough BMX terms.

I know all the terms - wheel.

What does BMX stand for, Joe?

It stands for
Bicycle, My X-Cellent bicycle.

I believe.

That haunting poem!

Who's next? Next up, Iain Stirling.

I went to university
and I met medic students

and realised that they're the
biggest bunch of alcoholic maniacs.

So I decided to get the doctor

a big sort of huge-night-out kit.

Yes, here we are.
A big-night-out kit. Yeah?

Glowsticks. If anyone remembers
Carnage UK from university,

congratulations on your 2:2.

I don't know what Carnage UK is?
It's when you go to different pubs

and then drink until you...

are sad.

OK? Yes, very lovely. Who's next?

Lou, I think, probably.

Just a classic case of a herb garden
and a bottle of whisky, for...

There it is. For the doctor.

Herb garden and a bottle of whisky.

Iain's already
got the doctor shit-faced...

Yeah. ..so what are you bringing
with the herbs?

This is for the older doctor.

You know, they're one year off
being a consultant, maybe.

It really is the whole life
I've taken into account.

From garden to kitchen to bedroom.

To bedroom?

Whisky's for the bedroom -
we all know that.

How have you been doing it?

I use the herbs.

It's the first time ever
I can't pick who's going to go last!

LAUGHTER

We've still got Sian. Sian?

You know if you go to McDonald's...

that people have
a little rating system

on their little shirt?

Yeah. Well, maybe doctors should
have a little star system.

OK. This would be me
if I was a doctor.

If a doctor came to you with
"I'm fab at jabs!" on their badge,

would you like that?

Yes, I would. I'd be very
confident in their ability.

"I'm fine at rhyme",
would be another one.

I think it's got to be
medical, though. Yeah. OK.

"After your vasectomy,
you'll be really pleased with me"?

You'd need a bigger badge!

But, yeah.

Well, there we go. All five.

Oh, man. Can I be impertinent
if you're having trouble? Yeah.

I am a doctor, so I'm
in a good position to judge.

Yeah. Iain's one isn't necessary.

You're basically accusing doctors
of being binge drinkers

when what they actually are
functioning alcoholics, which is...

LAUGHTER

The one that I'd most like
out of all of that is the BMX,

because it'll just
take your mind off...

You didn't even say your own one!

Sabotage everyone else and
not even give yourself the fight -

who does that?!

That's like winning the 100 metres,

tripping everyone up
and then picking someone,

throwing them over the finish line.

Not everyone's as dysfunctionally
competitive as you, Iain.

Oh! Well, I wasn't,
until bloody you came along.

I like it when real rows start.

I know you do.

Yeah, and do you know
what I'm going to do,

just to pour petrol on the fire?

I'm going to put them both last!

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, so, Iain and Paul,
both with 1 point.

Yeah, that's right,
and I'm standing by it.

And I don't mind telling you,
I feel a bit giddy!

And get this, I'm not going to
give anyone 2 points -

I'm going to jump up
to 3 points.

Oh, no!

And I'm going to give the next one -

because I know doctors
like getting drunk,

you've established that...

Yes, that's why
I should be above him!

Yeah, well, I would have
given you an extra 2 points

if you'd put some lovely
herbs in it. Thank you!

3 points to Lou.

And I'm putting Joe...

I'm giving him 4 points...
For the BMX?

Best. ..because I want to
go on a BMX.

I don't think Joe's ever been on
a BMX. I don't know what a BMX is.

So I'm going to give him 4 points.
4 points to Joe. And the winner?

Who doesn't like a lovely badge
saying, You've been a good boy"?

Sian Gibson!

CHEERING

Whoo!

Here we go then.

Do you want the first task? Yeah.

OK, here we go. This one
is Absolutely Toilet. Get ready.

Hi. Hello, Sian. Hello.

Here we are.

Hiya. Do you mind doing that wave
again? Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Just cos I didn't understand it.

Oh, OK. It was just a simple wave.

Just... Hello!

"Get this loo roll
through the toilet seat."

"You may not lower the toilet seat."

Oh! There's the toilet seat.
"Fastest wins."

"Time starts now."

The...what?

What toilet seat?

What am I missing?

Is this a search for a toilet seat?

APPLAUSE

'Fairly straightforward.
I think we should get on
with it. Crack on with it?

OK, just get the loo roll
through the toilet seat, that's it.

Yes, please. We all saw it.
Here's Paul and Iain.

"Get this loo roll
through the toilet seat.

"You may not lower
the toilet seat."

Lower? I can't lower it at all?

That's what it says.

Oh!

Oh! What an idiot.

Get this loo ROLL.

Oh, you stupid idiot.

What are you doing, Iain?

Getting the loo roll
for the toilet seat. OK.

There's a toilet seat inside.

OK. Am I allowed to use that?

All the information's on the task.

This is the toilet paper. Right.

The loo roll's this thing, isn't it?

This is the loo roll.

OK, Iain.

What are you doing, Paul?

I'm getting the loo roll
through the toilet seat

without lowering the toilet seat.

Through the toilet seat.

Boom. Done. OK. Thank you, Iain.

'"Get the loo roll..."
I don't know...
I'm going to stick with this.

This is a loo roll and
it's through the toilet seat.

This just reminds me
of being at school.

HE SIGHS
Thank you, Paul.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Can I just say very quickly,

Paul put the paper
through the toilet seat,

which was the only bit that
Iain said wasn't the loo roll.

Well, you say that he put the paper
through the toilet seat, but did he?

Yes.

Because what I saw was a man
painstakingly pushing loo roll

behind a toilet seat.

SIAN: Oh, yeah!

And you said halfway through -
I wrote this one down -

"It reminds me of school."

LAUGHTER

Detention was very unusual
punishment at school.

I sort of think of the toilet roll
as the whole thing, do you?

Yeah, cos it is. No! No...

Oh.. We are not. Oh, ho-ho.

Oh, ho-ho!

Because there's the roll... Yeah.

'If you said, "Can you nip out
and get some loo roll?" and you
came back with a load of those...?

LAUGHTER
I would go... "Thank you very much."

APPLAUSE
Yeah... Hey...

I would apologise for not
using the correct terminology.

OK. And I would use those cardboard
rolls to wipe my bum as a protest.

Look, we'll unravel this afterwards.

OK. So to speak!

Right, it's the end
of Part One, my friends.

Do with it what you will, and
we'll see you in Part Two. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! Welcome back
to Part Two of Taskmaster.

Alex, you look like
you've been a very naughty boy.

Yes, Greg, I'm afraid to say
that, before the break,

I left the toilet seat
up in the air in the garden.

The task at hand is simply

to get the toilet roll
through the toilet seat.

Iain and Paul got their hands dirty
with the indoor toilet,

how will the rest do?

We're going to see
all three right now.

Ah.

I see. Right, here we go.

Well, even if I stand on that,
I'm not going to reach that. No.

I might be closer.

You'll have to help me!

Easy!

So easy.

Argh!

OK.

The end? Right.

Right through.

That's unlucky.

Oh, my God, I'm like
a bad Carry On film.

Is this on a timer you say?

Yeah, fastest wins, this one. OK.

Here we go.

Ooh. Careful.

OK, I'm one step closer.

Up we go. Thank you.

Here we go.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Sweet.

Right.

Watch your eyes.

Ohh...

Oh, god.

OK.

APPLAUSE

It went through! Yes.

Does that count? Yes, I've
stopped the clock, it went through.

OK. Which way now?
We're doing that again.

APPLAUSE

Successful. Really successful.

Lou didn't get
all of the paper through,

and I'll come on to my definition
of a toilet roll in a minute.

Right. The strands fell off.

Strands fell away.
Strips and strands.

I don't think anyone
got the whole roll through.

One man did. One man did.

Everyone... Everyone did.
Everyone did, apart from Paul.

LAUGHTER

The supple Joe Thomas
got his whole roll through.

He's so supple!

Let me just say
what I'm going to do.

I'm not going to
get into a discussion

about what constitutes
a toilet roll.

My feeling is that it was implicit

that the whole thing
should go through,

both the cardboard tube
and the surrounding paper.

But, Iain...
LAUGHTER

..what I will say is this -

anyone who got the whole lot
through the toilet seat,

I'm going to give a bonus point to.

Right. Well, that is
just Joe Thomas.

He is the only man who got it
through - and the only woman.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's fair. But in terms of
the timings, Paul was the slowest,

with 13 minutes.

1 point to Paul.
Sian got 5 minutes. Yep.

2 points. Right. Joe Thomas...

1 minute and 38 seconds.

But a bonus point - so, 4 points.

Lou, 1 minute and 19 seconds -
4 points.

Iain was the quickest,
with his 1 minute and 4 seconds.

There we go - controversial, but
that's it. Iain gets the 5 points.

APPLAUSE

Right, scoreboard update,
please, Alex.

Unfortunately, Paul is adrift
with 2 points.

But in the lead, we have
Joe Thomas, with 8 points!

APPLAUSE

And the series scoreboard -
I'll quickly run you through that.

At the top we have Lou with 67,
then Iain with 56, Sian with 55,

Joe with 50, and Paul, 42.

APPLAUSE

Do you have another task
lined up, Alex? Yes, I do.

And this one is
Extremely Childish. Ohh!

Hello. Hello, Paul Sinha.

Potty.

If you need it.

OK, "Make the best thing
to engage a toddler".

"The toddler will have
five minutes with your thing."

"Most engaged toddler wins."

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

Like the pan.
Which pan's that, Paul?

"Engaged" - meaning
"on the toilet". Oh.

Thanks, Paul.

OK. I'm going to go
and have a little root around,

see what I can find. OK.

See you in a minute.

Hello.

Oh, you've got freckles.

So... Yeah.

Where am I engaging the toddler?

The toddler will go into a room
and find your thing.

What age is a toddler? Cos this
might be a bit too heavy-handed.

Just making it comfy.

That's cute.

Do you think that looks sinister?

If I was a child
and I got this on my hands,

I think I'd be quite distressed,
I'd want to get it off.

100% of this is attached to my hand!

What rhymes with ducky?

SHE LAUGHS

Not that!

Hello, Alex. You've been
out the room for 25 minutes.

Has it been that long?

Wow, doesn't time fly?

Let's march!

Kick, kick!

Move to the side.

Move to the side.

D'you know what it needs?

A tongue.

Tastebuds. Tastebuds?

All toddlers like baths
and bath toys,

and so a family of duck chicks

is under attack from
a vicious thresher shark.

But to fully engage a toddler,

you need audio stimulation, so...

PHONE PLAYS DUCK SOUNDS

Bubbles, duck, shark, quacking.

But it's not just ducks,

it's the existential terror
of a mother duck

having her brood taken away from her
by predatory, bloodthirsty fish.

I will make that clear for
the toddler. Thank you, Paul.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Good. Well, I'll just
answer a quick question.

Is hanging a rubber duck
by its neck sinister?

Yes, it is. That is sinister.

Now, you wouldn't mind me saying

that you are the only
mum of the contestants.

So I better do well. Yeah. Yeah.

Gut instinct tells me,

do they want a pretty princess
with freckles, dancing,

or do they want the existential
terror of a shark attack...?

LAUGHTER

OK, we're going to see them one
by one, if that's all right, Greg?

Yes, please. We're going to
start off with Joe Thomas,

who made a squishy toy,
which he has called Joe Dough.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Alex.

Hello, Nel.

Come in.

Joe put that there for you.

LAUGHTER

SHE GIGGLES

Are you going to touch the red one
as well, Nel? Yeah. Yeah?

Do you want to pick one up?

That one.

Which one - the blue one?

That one.

That one. Do you want me
to get that out? Yes. OK.

It's called Joe Dough.

Can you say "Joe Dough"?

Joe Dough. Joe Dough. That's right.

Is Joe Dough good?

Joe Dough's good.

Joe Dough's good. OK.

How good?

1, 2, 3, 4 or 5?

5. 5.

What do you like about it, Nel?

That one... That one there's...
SHE MUMBLES

Hmm. OK. Thank you. Good bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Aw, it's the sweetest thing
we've ever done.

Joe, pleased with that?

Yeah, she seemed pretty happy.

Yeah. I don't know whether that was
really connected to the dough.

I think she was just a happy child.

The truth is I think that she was
fully engaged with your Joe Dough.

OK. I think... You know, I've often
seen you, during this series,

look like there's
nothing to live for,

and I think, surely,
you must take some...

That's actually...

I was very pleased that she sort of
seemed to be a bit diverted by it.

She did. Yeah. Who's next?

LAUGHTER

OK, next we're going to see

children's TV star
Iain Stirling's creation.

Ooh, the pressure's on.

Here's how our toddler got on
with his puppet, called Claire.

Hello. Hello, Nel.

Do you want to come in?

Hello, my name's Claire.

Be engaged.

Hello! I'm Claire.

SHE LAUGHS

Do you want to give me a high-five?

Yeah.

Cool.

Again. Again? Yeah. Really?

Hello! Hello. My name's Claire!

My name's Claire.

Are you engaged?

Yeah?

My name's Claire. Be engaged!

You got the bubble wrap? Yeah.

Goodbye, Nel.

SHE MUMBLES

Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

I wonder if I walked passed Claire

and someone hadn't said to me,
"There's Claire, the puppet",

whether I would've just thought
it was a load of old rubbish

and just kicked it...

But, with Alex's help,
the toddler was engaged.

They were all part of Claire -

the instructions, what I did,
was all part of...

High-five. Did he say,
"Give her a high-five"? Yeah.

He definitely did. Well, he provided
a fly swat to do the high-five.

And he said, "Allow the child
to rip the arm off?"

I did wrap Claire
in the bubble wrappy thing...

Bubble wrap. Bubble wrap -
that's the word.

Deliberate - because
you wanted some tactile?

Because kids love that, don't they?
Chugga-chugga-chib. Yeah.

That's what toddlers...
"Chugga-chugga-chib".

Beatboxing again. Bebop.
Yeah, all right, Iain.

Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't bad.

It looked like a pile of old rubbish
but it did engage the child. Yes.

And that takes us to the halfway
point in tonight's show.

You have adverts for
your half-time entertainment,

and we have Alex Horne
belly-dancing.

Take it away, Alex!

And we'll see you soon.

BHANGRA MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. Thank you, Adverts.

I really should buy
some of those products.

Alex, wasn't there a new person

involved in the task
before the break?

Someone about your height?

There is a new person

but she is substantially smaller
than me because I am a tall man.

But, yes, there is a toddler
trying out the engaging things

our contestants have made for her.

And this time it's
Fairy Sian's workout video.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

'Kick, kick!'

'And we're going to clap our hands.'
That's Fairy Sian.

Do you want to do what she says?

'Clap, clap, clap, clap!'

Again. Again?

OK.

'Let's march.'

Again.

Are you going to do
what she says? Yes.

'Feel that stretch, guys.
Feel that stretch.

'Stretch those fingers.'

What would you give
Fairy Sian out of 5?

1, 2, 3, 4 or 5?

Again. Again?

We've heard it enough.

Nel? 3?

Yeah.

Yeah.
'OK, let's march!'

Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Still watching.

In the one clip we saw,
you did look maybe a bit pissed.

But that was engagement, wasn't it?

I mean, your immediate instinct
was put an iPad in there. Yeah.

And she was fully engaged.

Good mother, you see. She took it
with her. Give a child an iPad.

Yeah. Drunk dancing princess - tick.

Great, who's next?
OK. It's lucky-ducky time.

Lou Sanders. Oh, god!

Hello, Nel.

You could use that if you want.

You going to hit the duck?

LOU: # Hit the ducky, hit the ducky

# Hit the ducky on the head... #

What's that noise?

That's the noise
of the Lucky Ducky song.

# Hit the ducky, hit the ducky

# Hit the ducky on the head... #

Oh. You've opened it.

# Hit the ducky
Hit the ducky on the head... #

That's the end of the song.

SHE MUMBLES

OK. Can I have
the mallet back, please?

Goodbye.

SHE MUMBLES

Mm.

Bye, Ducky!

Bye, Ducky! Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

It never occurred to me
I'd have to make a moral judgment.

I mean, the child was engaged.

The child was engaged in
hitting an animal with a hammer.

# Hit the ducky on the head! #

Also, there were sweets inside.
I don't think you really guided her.

It was supposed to be like a pinata.

Although you call it a "Pinochet".

Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Because I'm French... Half-French.

She enjoyed hitting the ducky, but,
yeah, she didn't spot the sweets

cos I don't think there was
anything guiding her to it.

She did look in at the sweets at
the end. Yeah. And then she thought,

"I don't want to be
part of any of this. "

"Part of the butchery of
this wild..." She didn't think...

'She didn't think she was allowed
sweets, cos she looked in
and hinted and went, "Oh, sweets!"

and then Alex went, "Bye, Nel."

LAUGHTER

But the point is,
she had a lovely time

and she didn't even have any sweets.

Finally, then, we've got
one more person to see. Yup.

It's time for Paul's
baking-tray ecosystem.

AUDIO RECORDING OF DUCKS PLAYS

Hello, Nel.

Oh, no!

Messy.

It is a bit messy.
The threshing shark has fallen out.

oh, no, look.

Yes, the ecosystem has deteriorated.

Do you want to put them
all back in the ecosystem?

Yeah. OK.

Mummy and Daddy.

There's Mummy and Daddy.

Mummy. Mummy? OK.

Mummy, Daddy and
the threshing shark.

Do you like the duck ecosystem?

Yeah. Do you think it's just some
plastic ducks in a baking tray?

Yeah. Hmm.

What would you give it out of 5?

5. 5. OK.

Thank you, Nel. Goodbye.

Quack-quack!

OK, Nel, you can go now.

No go. Do you want to
stay here forever?

Yeah. With the ducks
and the threshing shark?

Shall I go?

Yeah. OK.

Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

I'm not sure that Nel was
100% on top of your narrative.

She didn't seem perturbed
by the thresh-ER shark.

Sorry, Paul. Sorry, Paul.

She knows a thresher shark
when she sees one, she's not a fool.

But she had maternalistic
instincts towards the duck.

Yes. I think she's
a David Attenborough in disguise.

'Only but five minutes ago
she'd been smashing one
round the head with a mallet.

LAUGHTER

Just shows how you can re-educate
a young mind like that, isn't it?

Be afraid of the shark -
don't attack the duck.

She seemed engaged.
She was fully engaged, Paul.

I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

OK. Here we go.
Are you ready for some points?

Yes, I'm ready for some points.

I'm not going to
give anyone 1 point,

because I thought
they were all very good.

I'm not going to
give anyone 2 points

because I think they were
all better than that.

Are you going to
give anyone 3 points? Yes.

Oh, right. OK.

Purely based on my gut instinct

about which thing
engaged the child the most,

I'm going to give Lou 3 points,

Iain and Joe 4 points,

Sian and Paul - unbelievably -
5 points.

There we go.

APPLAUSE

More! I want more!
And you're going to give me more.

I am, and you love ham.

You love ham hock,
you like haddock -

so I'm giving you a hammock!

Here we go.

DOOR OPENS

JOE: OK.

SIAN: Good luck.

IAIN: Come on.

LOU: Ow!

"Put the most weight in the hammock

"without anything
falling out of the hammock."

"If anything falls out of the
hammock, you're disqualified.

"Most weight in the hammock
after ten minutes wins."

Right. Put stuff in, but then
we all... Last line, please, Lou.

Huh? Last line.
Yeah, "your time starts now".

Thank you. Let's go.

Shall we discuss it before we say,
"Your time starts now"?

Oh, you've just said, "Your time
starts now". I've started the clock.

Oh, well. Well, time starts now.

APPLAUSE

Very good. Pretty straightforward?
Yeah, most weight in the hammock.

If anything falls out the hammock,
you're disqualified. Simple.

OK, first of all,
the team of three -

Lou, Paul and Iain.

And I was just thinking - isn't it
nice when people just get along.

This is the obvious choice! Wait,
wait, wait! Get this in first.

Game plan. We've got ten minutes.

No, but if it falls out of the
hammock... Put this underneath it.

No! Wait, wait, wait.
Just calm down.

We're going to put this under the
hammock to support the hammock.

OK. How is that going to
stop stuff falling out?

I'm quietly confident actually!

Iain, how is that going to stop
things falling out of the hammock?

It isn't.

It isn't. Right.

Right, shall we get some stuff?
Heavy stuff? Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait.
How much do you weigh? Iain!

What does that matter?

Because we all get in the hammock -
it's obvious. But why do we...?

We get in, we get
the stuff in the hammock.

We are heavier than
anything we can find.

But we can hold that as well.

Because it'll fall out
and then we'll be disqualified.

Don't get in it, don't get in it!
What do you want me to do then?

Just calm down. I went to get
some stuff and you said... Paul!

..to come and get in the hammock.
So what do I do?

Can we just have a meeting, please.

I was just going to
get some heavy stuff!

We can bring it here
and then make a plan.

Look, we're going to weigh more than
things, that's all I'm thinking.

Do you think we can fit three people
and heavy stuff on the hammock?

I don't think we could fit three,
we could try two.

'If we've got the people
and the heavy hammock, we can
come to that conclusion.

'We need someone to bring... No point
hypothetically thinking of that
thing now, with nothing around us.

I'm going to go and
get some heavy stuff. OK.

That's quite heavy.
Yes. It's good, isn't it?

Get some bricks. OK. There you go.

I'd like to apologise
for my behaviour.

I just thought we shouldn't panic.

I agree. Which is why I suggested
doing all of this seven minutes ago.

OK. Do you want to
pop in your position, babe?

Right, I'm getting in.
Lou - you hold me steady.

Paul - start loading in things.

Lower it. Oh, that is heavy.

Ohh, that is heavy! One minute left.
Maybe bowling ball?

We've probably not got enough
heavy stuff. Should have got more.

And now you're not... Your job was
quite literally to hold the hammock.

Now there's no-one
holding the hammock.

Literally nobody
holding the hammock.

Don't worry, baby,
I'm here for you. 35 seconds.

Maybe go and get some lighter stuff.
Hold me steady, Paul. I'm going.

Yeah, go on, chuck it in.

Maybe don't put it
all in the one side.

'Don't put it all
in the one side, Lou!
WHISTLE

Thank you, guys.

APPLAUSE

Such a little bossy-boots,
aren't you?

That... That wasn't pleasant
for me to watch.

It's not all about fun,
so let's drill down into it.

We had spent a good seven minutes...

Not seven, that's the number
you made up.

You said that
in quite a petulant manner.

"Yes, that's why I suggested it -
seven minutes."

Yeah. So...

Thank God Daddy was there,
watching on from behind a barrel.

LAUGHTER

In my defence,
I came up with the idea

that we had to put the things
on the hammock in the last minute

otherwise they would fall out.

If it wasn't for Paul Sinha,

it would have been me and Lou in
a hammock, screaming at each other.

Just how I like it.

'You actually did that thing that
small children do at one point,
and went, "Please-ah!"

That has upset me no end.

That is a horrible insight.

Well, you know, as the barrel dad
will tell you,

these kids have got to
make their own mistakes.

'Do you want to give me
some stats or something?
Yeah, well, they got a lot in.

'At the end of the ten minutes,
they had nine bricks,
a wooden column, an olive press,

a bowling ball, a jerrycan,
a watering can, two plastic trays,

a steel drum, three books
and an Iain Stirling.

So that's 89.1kg,
which is 14 stone,

which is an Alex Horne,
or three Dalmatians,

or two toilets or a reindeer.

81kg? 89.1kg plus an Iain Stirling -
I don't know how much Iain weighs.

Oh, you haven't found that out?

No. It's hard to
sneakily weigh people.

Only one more part to go until
someone wins a BMX and a fake beard.

See that happen in Part Four!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back to
the last part of the show.

Weren't we in the midst
of a team task?

Yes, and we're breaking
new boundaries,

because this one involves a hammock.
GREG GASPS

Now it's time for Mrs G and Mr T.

The bath? Oh, get the bath.

I assume it's going to be
unloaded and weighed.

Is that going to happen?
That's not going to happen.

That's not going to happen.

Ohh!

I think it might break the hammock.

I think this might
break the hammock.

Shall we get that out? Yeah.

Hold on a minute...

Are we...?
Can't we unplug the hammock

and just put the hammock
flat on the floor...

Ha-ha-ha! I like... This is...

Got it off? Yeah. Right. Good.

Round the arc. Yeah.

So you're saying that bath
is in the hammock?

Yep. Yeah.

Two of them. Two of them.

Oh, Joe!

Oh, were we putting that
in the hammock?

'In a way, I think that strengthens
our argument that it's still
a hammock, actually.

Hammock in the hammock.

It is touching the ground
as well, but...

Well, it was touching the ground
when it was a hammock.

It was touching the ground
before. Barrel in.

I'm just going to
handle this... Yes, OK.

There's a tyre. Tyre - that'll do.

Good.

OK. Ta-da.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Brilliant. Thanks, guys.

Thank you.
I'll weigh everything now.

I think we did all right there.

APPLAUSE

There was certainly some lovely,
friendly behaviour going on there,

which is to be commended.

Teamwork. Yeah. Now, was there
anything in a hammock there?

Everything.

What's the difference
between "on" and "in"? Well...

Nothing.

You know, if you were IN a field,

you'd also be ON a field.

"In" can describe something...

The situation of something that is,
or appears to be,

enclosed or surrounded
by something else.

And it was surrounded by... Yes.

All right, I'm going to allow it.
They were in a hammock.

But was it a hammock? Yes. Yes.

Well, yeah.

A hammock has to be suspended
from two things, apparently.

Where did you get
this definition from?

Uh, Google Maps.

LAUGHTER

If you were going to order
a hammock online now... Yeah. Yeah.

..it would arrive in a box.
It would. It's still a hammock.

I think it's stretching it
to say that's fully a hammock.

I would like to have
seen it suspended.

So I would have to dock something

for the fact that
it's not been suspended.

But outside of that, it's valid.

The only problem we've got,
as far as I can see,

is we don't know what sort of kg
that Iain Stirling's packing.

Although there is another problem
with their attempt. Is there?

I did spot something. OK.
Do you want to have a look? Yep.

Go - run, quick.

Yeah. Go on, chuck it in.

'Go on. Maybe they'll put it
all in the one side.

'LOU: 'I caught it, I caught it!'
'You didn't catch it.'

'LOU: 'I caught it. I CAUGHT IT!'

'I CAUGHT IT!

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, I don't need to
make a judgment here.

Is there any way
of playing it again?

What, the very last two seconds?

I just want you
to watch Lou Sanders' eyes,

and this is how I know
I haven't got to make a judgment!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So are we saying the team of three
was definitely disqualified?

I'm afraid so. Zero points
for the team of three.

Not zero - I caught the book.

No, I'm afraid so.
It was very clear in the rules.

I'm going to give Sian and Joe
3 points each.

LOU: What?
I think it's a lovely decision.

Thank you. Sian and Joe
get 3 points each!

APPLAUSE

Could we perhaps have a score update
before the final task?

Yes. Paul, solid on 7.
Iain and Lou on 10.

We have two leaders, though -
Joe and Sian, both on 15 points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Go on, then, clear off, all of you,

and make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Hi, contestants. Hi, Alex.
Oh, hi, Greg.

What's the final task?

I'm going to ask Lou Sanders to
reveal the wording of it. Oh, nice!

OK. Um...

Choose a hoop that you think
you can throw a frying pan into.

Choose a distance from which you can
throw a frying pan into that hoop.

If you choose the big hoop,
you have one attempt.

If you choose the medium hoop,
you have two attempts.

If you choose the small hoop,
you have three attempts.

The person who throws most of
their frying pan into the hoop

from the longest distance wins.

OK. Pretty straightforward stuff.

So, the person in the lead
is going to place their hoop first.

In this case it is Joe and Sian.
SIAN: Joe.

'So, Joe, you, as the gentleman,
will go first. OK. Yeah. Rightly so.

That's the phrase, innit -
"gentleman's first".

Pick a hoop and place it.

'I'm going to go for the middle one.
Middle hoop.

'That seems like a... I don't know.

I haven't done this before.

Can we get Sian
to place her hoop, please?

'Choose a hoop and place it.

I'm going middle. Good.

You know, average.

'Are you going beyond or before Joe?

'That. Are you going for a draw?!

'You've put it exactly
the same as Joe.

'That's the sort of teamwork that
got them points in the bath task.

'It's lovely. Next up, Iain, please.

'Again, middle.

Who's going to put their head
above the parapet for the small one?

I think I know who. I mean,
these are all ambitious placings.

So far it looks like the first bit

of a really shit
Olympics Opening Ceremony.

Lou up next. I played this game
at school, actually.

Yeah.

One hoop...

from a weighty distance.

Big hoop, big distance.

Finally, Paul Sinha.

Lovely stuff, lovely stuff.

APPLAUSE

It's quite clever, because if no-one
else lands a pan, Paul wins, right?

If no-one lands a pan, Paul wins.
We've always said that. Yeah.

So it is the closest hoop that
goes first - that's you, Paul.

Paul's going to land a pan in that.
Go on, Paul! Good luck, Paul.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Most of the frying pan
is in the hoop.

You may sit on the bench
successfully.

That's got to feel good, Paul.

Next up, purple to throw.

'Two attempts. Two attempts.

'I'll retrieve it
if you miss with the first.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

'LOU: I win!

You've got your eye in there, right?

'I mean, it landed in it.

I don't really know
what you're supposed to do.

You want to get most of
the pan into your hoop.

LAUGHTER

Thanks.

'Lovely.

'AUDIENCE: Ohh!
Get in!

APPLAUSE

'Next up, Sian Gibson to throw.

'You have two attempts.

Long time since we've seen
Gibson in the arena.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
I get it. You have to...

I'm going for a side one.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh! That's close.

Next to throw is green -
Iain Stirling.

Oh, the cocky young puppy.

Let's see if his pan-throwing

lives up to his attitude.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Nearly. Yeah.

'I... You want that one back?

I'm like one of those
tennis players.

That's his luck...

LAUGHTER

That's his lucky pan.

Thank God we've got
such a good pan boy.

You sweating, mate?

Come on.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Oh-ho! Do you want to check
the pan, Greg? Of course not!

She has one throw -
it's the large hoop.

If this misses, Paul Sinha wins.

But what if it goes in? Imagine.

Good luck, Lou.

Imagine if it does go in.

Oh, my God!

IAIN: Go on, Lou.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Yes!

I mean, in all of
Pan Hoop history...

I have never seen
a gameplay like that.

Right, well, come down -

we'll work out what that does
for the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was a pretty sport-defining
moment, I would say, for Pan Hoop.

Mm. It was harrowing and wonderful.

What's it done to the scores?

Well, the individual scores
for that game were...

0 points to Iain,
0 to Sian, 0 to Joe.

Paul - 4 points for
his tactical mastery.

APPLAUSE

But the Pan Hoop Champion 2019,

without a doubt, is Lou Sanders.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And it means we have...

a three-way tie at the top.

Lou, Joe and Sian
all have 15 points!

APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!

How are we going to
find out a winner?

With an encore - which is,
of course, French for tiebreak.

And for this tiebreak,
they had to stand behind a line,

whip a bottle off a barrel.

The fastest to whip the bottle
off the barrel wins.

Got it? Yes. OK, so here they
all are doing the Whip Tiebreak.

Time starts now.

Ooh, close.

There we go. Ooh!

Pleased with yourself? Very.

Like Dolly Parton.

APPLAUSE

Three whips - crack 'em down.

Yes. Yes, it was.

And the scores are pretty clear-cut.

52 seconds, Lou. 50.3 second, Joe.

But 9,4 seconds to the winner
of the show - Sian Gibson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sian Gibson is the winner
of tonight's episode.

Excellent work.

Please go grab your Doctor's Orders.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that
parenting is easy -

dazzle them with bright colours,
interesting textures,

and teach them about the brutal,
indiscriminate slaughter of animals.

But the good news was that
Sian Gibson won the show.

What a victory, what a person,

what a night - what a goodbye!

Goodbye.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media