Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Stuck in a Mammal Groove - full transcript

Can the contestants guess what Alex is dressed as? Can they create a volcano? Most importantly, can they apologize for what they've done?

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APPLAUSE

Thank you. You shouldn't have, but
you have.

Welcome to Taskmaster with me, your
task master, Greg Davies.

People often ask me, "What if the
tables were turned?

"How would you like it? How would
you feel?"

'These are great questions, but it
will never happen, so stop asking
me!

Because it's these people who are
taking on my tasks

'for the ultimate honour of raising
aloft this handsome face-shaped
trophy.

Please welcome them. They are Iain
Stirling...

..Joe Thomas...

Lou Sanders...



Paul Sinha...

and Sian Gibson!

APPLAUSE

And here a man whose name doesn't
humiliate him

anywhere near as much as his
personality!

It is... Oooh!

It's Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No messing around. Straight into the
banter section.

Alex leads this every week.

Let's party!

I've had my regular check-up at the
GP's. Yep?

Things are looking good. I've got
the results. OK.

Bloods, 100%. All blood, no milk.



Vision, he said I look nice.
Weight, 100kg.

Heart-rate, 100 BPM. He's rounded a
lot of them up.

Cholesterol 100 KmPH,

Doctor's favourite number, 100,
and I can start smoking.

As long as I'm careful, as long as I
put it out before the orange bit,

it's fine.

Yep. Alright. Good.

I've got no response to any of that!

Are we starting with something
different today, Alex?

Yes, we are. It's the prize task.
Yep.

The category this week is the best
burstable item. Mm!

Whichever Greg judges is the top of
the pops, will get five points.

'At the end of the show, the winner
will take home all five burstable
items

and go home with an inflated sense
of pride.

We're going to start with Joe.
What was your burstable item?

A grape.

LAUGHTER

'It's obvious now that there's a
sort of performative, entertainment
quality to this show,

whereas I think I treated it more
as a sort of data entry.

Can you burst a grape? You can crush
a grape.

Sorry! No, no, thank you, Sian.
You do crush a grape.

"Ooh, I could crush a grape!"
Simple.

Do you think we can burst a grape?

'I think if you pierce it with a pin,
it wouldn't burst, I don't think.
It wouldn't burst?

Isn't... What about, um...

Oh, I hate to bring it up. Hate to
bring it up. Literally, Keats.

'Where I think he says "I would burst
against my palate fine"? That's a
grape.

No. "Crush against my palate fine."

Aw! That's literally the opposite of
what I should have done.

Unforgivable. Is it "crush it
again"?

No, of course it isn't!

Paul. Uh, yes, Paul.

'It's a gift from my auntie, my dad's
sister, who came to stay with us for
four long months last year.

I've got a nephew and a niece.
The nephew's five years old.

Likes balloons. So she bought him a
balloon.

'Now, there's a lot of debate about
what you can and can't teach
five-year-old children,

'but what I don't think you can do is
give them inflatable penises at
Christmas.

It might be me, but do you see a
penis in that? No.

No! No, that's just your mind!

There might be a penis in his mouth!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Iain? It's a cuddly bear toy.

That's a great prize.

Now imagine it being burst!

Actually, the joke's on you, because
that bear bursts into song!

Oh! That's good.

I was in bed, lying next to my
girlfriend,

so I did record the song whilst
trying not to wake her.

So the bear does sound like it's
creepily whispering.

Do you want to hear it creepily
whisper?

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-di-di-doo

# Di-di-doo-doo-doo! #

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

'I think the thing that troubles me
most of all is how smug the bear's
face is.

LAUGHTER

OK. Lou?

You know how nice it is to burst a
coffee pot?

When you push through the thing at
the top?

That's the best burst, famously.

This is even better, cos it's a
creme brulee.

It's a two-pronged burst, OK? OK.

At the end of it, you've got coffee
and pudding.

What am I bursting, Lou?

The gold foil. The gold foil.

I wouldn't do that. I'd run a spoon
round the outside,

'I'd lift it off and I'd dispose of
it. He always does that. He does
always do that.

He knows that! But I've gone the
extra mile.

I've put a picture of you on the
creme brulee.

LAUGHTER

Are you suggesting that I'd burst
through the top of a creme brulee?

No-one would say, "I can't wait to
burst into this creme brulee", Lou!

They would in my family!

What have you got, Sian, because
that's obviously shit!

So, I did a 24-hour Zumbathon for
charity.

Write that down.

And I got blisters on my feet.

You would have. On a Zumbathon,
you're gonna get loads.

But I also got a blister on my
bottom.

My husband, using gin, a kettle and
a needle...

The classic trio!

..burst the blister... I didn't know
you were married to MacGyver!

Anyone outside of London is a
savage, aren't they?

I've recreated it. That's not my
actual bum.

Who doesn't want to burst that with
a pin? Come on!

Looks very burstable. OK. Shall we
give some points out? Yes, OK.

OK. You can't pop a creme brulee.
One point.

No!

That doesn't make sense!

'You can't burst it. You can't burst
it. # You can't burst a creme
brulee. # One point!

Joe, he was good, but not good
enough. Two points.

'Three... Sorry, that bear's face
just irritated me. Three points for
Iain. What?!

'I'm going to give the blister,
because it's the prince of burstable
things, five points.

And I'm gonna give old Dip-Mag
four.

There we go. Five points to Sian
Gibson!

It was old but nice.

Right, Alex, what do you have ready
for us?

Here's a clue. It's a "lavarly"
little task.

Wow.

Hello, Joe. Hiya. How are you, Alex?
I'm good, thank you.

Ooh.

"Build the best volcano."

"You have ten minutes to design your
volcano blueprint."

"You then have 20 minutes to build
and demonstrate your volcano.

"Your time starts...now."

Um, what have I got to build with?

We need cork, yeah?

It's like bicarbonate of soda and
something.

What's the kind of... The one
that... Like Mentos and cola?

Is that a thing?

Mentos, yeah?

That'll go up like Christmas!

If you burn sugar, does that erupt?

That's your lava.

Sorted... Red jelly. Red jelly.

Then how do I make the "cano" bit?

I'm gonna build...a mountain.

With a hole.

Can I get a volcano mould?

Still thinking? Mm-hm.

It's just a bit of pipe or
something, isn't it? Like, um...

Like a vase.

'I'm not sure exactly where the
Pringles tube comes into this,
but...

I'm excited at that.

So I'm gonna put that round and
then...

Yes, that'll do.

And that, my friend,

is a volcano.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Iain said at one point,
"How do I build the "cano" bit?

'I'm just interested in your
distinction between "vol"
and "cano".

I assumed that the "vol" that's your
liquid...

..and the "cano" is the solid.

Vol and cano. Thank you.

I believe it was Keats that once...

'First to the table is the
classically-trained volcano
impresario, Joe Thomas.

Prepare. Right. Ooh. OK.

Ready? Yes.

Yep, that's alright.

That works. It's good, isn't it?

Aghh-aghh.

Right.

That's the first... That's the first
eruption.

How long? 30 seconds.

Right. Hold on.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS

Such a spectacular second eruption,
as well!

It was good, with those Mentos
things.

'Maybe that's what happened in
Pompeii and that's why they were
so frozen!

Right. They did have that big Mentos
factory there, didn't they?

Next, it's someone who, like me,

is actually quite tall in real
life. Iain Stirling.

I'm six foot two. Five foot four!

Come on!

As many as you can get in there.

We can actually do more than that,
I reckon. A bit more.

Josh there. Rob's at the top.

Bob's down there. Noel's perched
there, and Katherine's here.

They're all conquerors.

This is dedicated to all the
Champions of Champions!

I hope to join you all, one day,

on this magnificent volcano!

Go in.

DRUM ROLL

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

No!

No! No!

'WHISTLE
No! That's your ten minutes up,
Iain.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've all been there!

Increasingly, I find!

I mean, I'm so genuinely heartbroken
by it,

I can't even begin to ridicule you.

I think it's, um... It's a crying
shame.

The engineering, the vision.
And then that!

And then the cry of, "I'll see you
in the Champion of Champions!"

It's just...

It's a Shakespearean tragedy!

How do you feel? I gen...

I genuinely don't want to talk about
it!

I... That's absolutely fine.

OK. We're gonna pause for a second

because it's time now for the first
part of The Advert Show! Enjoy.

Hello! Hello. We are back.

Over now to my tiny assistant, Alex
Horne, to fill you in on the detail.

Am I on? I'm on!

Thanks, Greg. What a show this
is turning out to be.

'Before the break, we saw two
volcanoes made for the current
volcano-making task.

And one of them proved to be active.
Next to erupt, it's Paul Sinha!

You can clearly see it's got the
geology, the shape

and the ecology of a volcano.

It's bubbling under. The villagers
are starting to panic.

This is Pompeii, 79 AD, all over
again.

Is it? We're about to find out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Amazing.

I need a cigarette after that!

Really? Yeah, I do!

I think the build-up was
sensational.

So much lovely back story. But I
think the answer to the question,

"Is this Pompeii 79 AD all over
again?"

is "No!"

'Throughout the task, Paul did list
the highest volcanoes in the world.
Oh.

What is the highest volcano in the
world? I think it's Chimborazo.

Chimborazo. What's the smallest
volcano in the world?

That!

LAUGHTER

Love it!

Next up? Another volcano.

OK. Sian Gibson next. Here's how she
got on.

Put a bit of soil around.

Fire.

Mine's like a party volcano.

Pipe cleaners, plastic lava.

Right.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Yay!

It's a bonfire!

No, it's a volcano!

It's on fire, now, Sian. It's a real
fire.

Thanks, Sian. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I don't think I understood the task!

'It seemed to be it had already
erupted cos there was "jelly"
everywhere.

So was it a second eruption? I just
want to get...

Does that happen, Paul? Do you have
a second eruption?

Do you get second eruptions? Quite
frequently, yeah.

Yes. So it didn't erupt. It didn't
erupt.

It didn't say it had to erupt.

There was no vol, there was no vol,
there was no vol!

There was a lot of cano, though!

Yeah!

It's all about scaling up. Real
cano. Did it say in the task

do an erupting volcano? Yep.

It says, "Build the best volcano."
Oh, I apologise. Yes.

Sorry!

Do you want to do the last one? Yep.
OK.

The last to go off,
it's Lou Sanders.

Volcano. OK.

That's actually lovely.

I'm ready for the big finale.

And by that, I mean, "Can we turn
the lights out?"

Another job done. Thank you.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Her topography was sweet!

I put a couple of turds on it.
What can I say?

'I think the aftermath of the
eruption perhaps didn't look as
spectacular as you'd hoped. Yeah.

But mid-eruption... It was lovely.

Very good. We were having a right
old time of it, weren't we?

'I really enjoyed it. She tried to
mould it round a witch's hat, and
that was too floppy,

so then we got the rock. It was
quite sensible. Yeah.

Yes. Even a witch's hat has got some
logic to it.

Yes, yes. Yes.

'So I thought they were all really
good volcanoes and this is very
difficult.

So I'll tell you this. I'm not gonna
give anyone just one point.

OK. I'm going to give Sian and Ian
two points.

Wh... No! I'm happy with that.

Thank you, Sian.

And that, young man, is a lesson.

OK. We've got joint fourth. Anyone
in third? Yes,

'with three points, I'm going to give
the hot, thin, high stream of piss
volcano.

Paul Sinha. That's Paul's. OK.
Three points.

'And I am really struggling because
the other two were both so
spectacular.

I'm gonna give them both five
points. Oh!

OK.

I'd really like a scoreboard update.

And I want to make you happy. Here
we go.

We have three people in a tie for
first place. It looks like this.

Joe, Paul and Sian on seven points.

APPLAUSE

Next, what do you have for me?

'It's time to settle down, grab some
popcorn and watch a little film I've
called The Horne Identity.

Here we go.

"Work out what Alex Horne is wearing
next door."

"Both you and Alex must stay in your
seats at all times."

"Alex Horne may only communicate
with Alex Horne's horn."

"You have a maximum of 15 minutes.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

You can blow your horn to say you
can hear me.

TOOTS

Pretty straightforward horn code
system task. Yes. A simple task.

Looked very expensive. Why was it
not done in the caravan?

Fancied a day out to a train, did
we?

I like trains. I do like trains.
I like...

We'll speak about that later.
Let's crack on.

It's a simple task of communication
and brain power.

So we're gonna start with a clever
brain person, so Thomas.

Let's...

Could I...

Um...

What I'm gonna ask is, uh...

If the answer is yes, can you toot
once,

and if the answer is no, can you
toot twice?

Can you toot once to show you've
understood that?

Toot!

Are you wearing a pair of
underpants? Toot!

Are you wearing some sort of
all-in-one costume or outfit?

Toot!

Um...

'Are you wearing something that is
actually designed to be worn as
clothes?

Toot! Toot! Toot!

Is three toots a way of saying it's
ambiguous?

Toot!

OK.

Oh, man. Um...

Is it made of soft fabric?

Toot!

Is it, um, is it a mascot costume?

Toot! Toot! Toot!

Sorry. Sorry, I've forgotten.

Is it... Is it soft? Toot!

Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!

Is it a furry animal? Toot! Toot!
Toot!

Is it a warm-blooded animal? Toot!

Um... Some sort of big cat?

Dog? Rodent?

Mammal? Toot! Toot!

Is it a usual pet? Toot! Toot! Toot!

Ohhh.

Are you just... Have I asked...
Are you just a bear?

Are you a mammal? Toot! Toot!

But you are warm-blooded? Toot!

Is this animal a character from some
sort of fictional...

WHISTLE

Ohhh. Um...

Wallaby.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

It seems you spent a lot of time
establishing a system,

but then you just totally ignored
all the answers you got back!

Alex introduced this element of
ambiguity, which was...

I think Alex, if anything, I should
be telling Alex off

for helping you out with his
three-honk system.

Thank you(!)

I said I couldn't understand what
three honks meant.

'You worked it out pretty quickly. I
worked it out. One of the few things
you did work out!

Before you sighed and said,
"Wallaby"!

I was not ambiguous about whether or
not it was a mammal.

And then after I said that, you
mainly said, "mammal".

I couldn't quite remember the
difference between

warm, like, warm-blooded mammal...

'Mate, you got stuck in the mammal
groove. That's fine. We've all done
it. OK.

'Let's stop for a bit. Am I worried
whether you'll return after the
break? Absolutely not.

Because one of these guys is gonna
win a grape!

Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster.

Horne's horn.

Horns. And Horne's horn, to be
precise.

The next two to decipher my honks

are (PARP!) and (PARP-PARP!)

Paul and Iain? Correct.

Honk once for yes, honk twice for
no.

Do you understand?

Toot!

Do you have a hat on? Toot! Toot!

Trousers of any kind? Toot! Toot!

No? Do you have shorts on?

Toot! Toot!

You're not wearing clothes?

Skirt? Toot! Toot!

Fuck!

Are you wearing a shirt? Do you have
a dress on?

Toot! Toot! No!

Leggings? Toot! Toot!
Tights? Toot! Toot!

A wetsuit?

Leotard? Long Johns?

Toot! Toot! Dammit!

Is it a onesie? Toot!

Are you wearing anything on your
feet? Toot!

Do you have shoes on?

Socks? Flip-flops?

Slippers? Toot! Toot!

Do you have a tail? Toot!

Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!

Yes!

A lion? Is it a mammal? Toot! Toot!

No! Is it a bird? Toot!

Tiger? Bear? Chicken?

Crocodile? Kangaroo? Badger?

Toot! Toot!

Does the species that the bird is
known by begin with the letter A?

Toot! Toot! B? Toot! Toot!

Larger than a human?

Toot! Toot! A jungle creature that's
smaller than a human?

Crocodile?

O? Toot! Toot! P? Toot!

Is it a pigeon? Toot! Toot!

Meerkat? Toot! Toot!

Aghh! Does the name of this bird
have one syllable? Toot! Toot!

Is it a bird? Toot!

Is it a partridge? Toot! Toot!

Pelican? Toot! Toot!

Aghh!

Is the third letter of this word
a B? Toot! Toot!

Parrot? Toot!

P-A-R...

Alex Horne is wearing a parrot
onesie! Stop the clock!

Are you dressed as a parrot?

Toot!

'A man that believes that a
still-water crocodile is smaller
than a human being...

OK. ..has just beaten me
to a parrot!

Iain, you can't go on any quiz show
ever,

because you give an answer, and then
you go, "Fuck!"

That's your system!

But you don't understand, I said so
many animals!

You stuck to your system for a long
time.

You got P-A-R, and still were
guessing. You knew it was a bird,

and you got to P-A-R..!

And you'd ruled partridge out!

OK, well, shouty madman, 37 seconds
and seven minutes.

OK. And clever stupid man?

Clever stupid man, 36 seconds and
eight minutes.

Well done.

Just 59 seconds in it, but Iain
currently in the lead.

Next, it's time to send in the SAS -
Sian and Sanders.

Remember, one for yes, two for no.

That is the system. That should
always be the system.

Can you honk once for yes, and twice
for no?

Toot!

OK. So, two for yes, one for no?

Toot! Toot! Cool.

Are you wearing clothes? Toot!

Are you wearing something of
nationality

like a Scottish outfit or Norwegian?
Toot! Yeah, sure.

Are there... Are there...
Are they... Ooh.

Are they fancy dress clothes? Toot!

Are you a woman? Toot! Toot!

Are you dressed as a theme? Toot!
Toot! Yes. OK.

Are you an animal? Toot!

Is it duck-themed?

Toot! Are you a jungle animal?
Toot!

Are you colourful? Toot! Toot!

Would I have seen you in The Lion
King? Toot!

Are you a lion? Toot! Toot!

Oh...

Are you a crocodile? Swan.

Are you an elephant? Are you a frog?
Toot!

Are you cute? Toot! Aw!

Are you a bird? Toot! Toot!

You're a bird?! Toot! Toot!

A giraffe? Are you a pigeon?

A rhino? A wood pigeon?

Are you a bird? Toot!

Alan Partridge? Toot!

Parrot? Toot!

Parrot! Toot! Toot!

APPLAUSE

Pretty efficient stuff from both
contestants, I thought.

Two or three hesitations.

'One was where you very sweetly just
paused to go, "Aw!", when you found
out Alex was cute.

Although you'll have to take his
word for it.

I enjoyed you, the sub-sections of
the pigeon community you explored!

I don't know who won.

My instinct is that Sian's
efficiency... Mm.

And that's it. You tell me.
I will. I will tell you.

Bear in mind Joe never found out
that I was a parrot.

No, he did not. He did not.

Iain currently in the lead with
seven minutes 37.

Lou, seven minutes 11 seconds.

Wow.

Sian, though... Oh.

314 seconds.

Five minutes 14! She's the winner by
a mile!

So it's nought points for Joe,

two for Paul, three for Iain, four
for Lou.

But five points to Sian Gibson!
Boom! Boom!

Fantastic!

Can we have another one of those
task things, please?

Yes. Welcome, all, to the Taskmaster
confessional.

"Alex is in the living room."

'"In 20 minutes from now, you must
apologise to Alex for something
you've done in that time."

"Best apology for worst thing wins.

"Your time starts now."

OK.

OK. I've got to do something really
bad.

Uh...

I mean, I'm very really affected by
guilt, anyway,

'so I could probably go now and just
apologise for the way I've lived my
life!

We've got to get a guitar.

What can I do with a poo?

I'll go and find a guitar. There
must be a guitar somewhere.

They're quite a contrasting set of
super-villains, there!

Iain was absolutely that he was
gonna be guitar-based.

He knew that from the start.

Joe just apologising for his
existence!

By far the most sinister was the man
who said nothing!

That's the more sinister aim!

OK. Well, it's not an easy task for
me, this.

'They had to do the best apology for
the worst thing. Yes. So judging it
on two counts.

We're gonna find out what naughty
boy Joe Thomas got up to first.

What a naughty boy. Naughty boy!

Oh, Alex. Hello, Joe. I just wanted
to have a quick word.

Um... It's a number of things,
really. I'm enjoying the tasks,

but there's a few things I've been
mildly annoyed about.

And, um, I've sent it to you on your
phone. It's a sung message.

Are you apologising for a song I'm
about to listen to?

I'm apologising if it causes any
offence,

but I thought it was best to sort of
clear the air.

# Oh, have you heard the good news

# Alex Horne is finally dead

# Now that Alex is dead

# I feel like I can finally
breathe... #

It's quite harsh.

# Alex's murder

# Is evidence for the existence of
God

Alex's murder? Well, yeah.

Um, murder is a bit strong.

# I personally shifted him off

# And I did

# Fuck...off...Alex! #

And you stand by what you said?
I stand by those feelings.

I'm not saying I'd act on them
necessarily today or this week.

Thank you for coming to see me.
I appreciate your honesty.

No problem. OK.

Well, good stuff. You're a good
bloke.

OK. OK, thanks, Joe. See you later.

APPLAUSE

I don't know. I got a bit lost in
it.

I enjoyed it. Yes.

There's so many lines I enjoyed.

"Alex's murder would be evidence for
the existence of God."

Yes. It was pretty harsh, as well.

It was an awful thing to say!
A terrible thing to say.

I didn't feel the apology was great.

He said you were a "good bloke",
at the end.

Yeah, he gave me a thumbs up. Thumbs
up and I shuffled off.

"Good bloke", thumbs up. Yeah.

So, Alex, what more do you want?

OK. Who's next? OK. Next up,

a Sinha by name. Let's see how bad
he really is. It's Paul.

Hello, Paul. I'm so, so sorry.

What are you sorry for?

I've been under a lot of stress.

I've been on this 5:2 diet which has
caused me cravings.

And I just walked in this morning

and I'm meant to be on a two-day 600
calories

and I opened up the fridge

and there was all sorts of
deliciousness there.

I had a bit of a crisis. What have
you done, Paul?

I kind of destroyed the fridge.
I've been very selfish.

I'm so sorry.

I just lost my mind.

I'm gonna go and look at the fridge.

So sorry!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I feel a bit weird after that, Paul.

I don't know. You had the
countenance of a serial killer!

And your worst crime was eating a
bit of jam with your fingers,

as far as I could work out!

'I wasn't there while he was doing
it, cos I was working, but the crew
did say it was odd!Yes.

'Shall we see another one? Who do you
want to see? Sian! Me, too!
Here we go!

Hello, gorgeous.

Oh.

You smell nice.

Thank you, Sian. Look at that.

I'm really sorry. You've got my
phone.

'Sorry. You left your phone in the
kitchen. I'm really sorry about
that.

I might have used one of my personal
pictures.

I thought it was my phone,

and sent it to someone else but it
was on your phone.

But I meant to... I just caught a
glimpse!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Sent it to Greg?

'The worst person you could have sent
it to! Where did you get the picture
from?

Why has it got my face?

It says, "Come to mamma."

How many people have you sent it to?
Just to Greg? Oh.

Thank you for this. I do appreciate
that.

It's a quite flattering picture,
though.

Thank you, Sian. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

'There was an accompanying text to
the picture, wasn't there? Yes.
What was it?

It just said, "Come to mamma."
Come to mamma.

Alex was genuinely... I thought he
was gonna cry!

At first I thought you'd sent it to
everyone that I know.

I wasn't gonna do that.

'No. You wouldn't send it to his wife
cos she knows the horrible truth of
what you look like!

And I have spoken to her, actually,

and she says that picture is nothing
like you,

because the man in that picture had
a big penis and small testicles

where you are, and I quote,
"Quite the reverse!"

Want to see a blister burst?

Then come back for the final part of
the show!

Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster

where there was a lot of
misbehaviour before the break.

Yes, there was. There was gluttony
from Paul,

wrath from Joe and lust from Sian.

But at least they apologised, Greg.

Next up to say soz...

You don't ever... You never say
sorry to me.

You've never come off the script
before and tried to bring me in!

Next up to say soz, it's Iain!

# Alex

# I just pied you in the face

# Alex

# It was a total disgrace

# Alex, I hope that I'll see you in
heaven

# Or the Champion of Champions

# Series 11, I'm sorry

# I'm sorry, oh, yeah

# I'm sorry

# Can't open the door

# I'm sorry

Do you want me to open the door for
you? I'm alright. Sorry about that.

'Really lovely, despite your constant
assertion you're going to be the
Champion of Champions!

I don't know where that came from!

Nice that your apology was about
something that actually happened.

Yes. Not just a threat that you
could actually pie him.

Quite hard. It was my first ever
pie-ing! He smacked me in the face.

What about Lou? Lou? Uh, well.

She's potty-mouthed and potty-named.

Here she goes. Lou Sanders.

Hello!

I wanted to make an apology. I'm so,
so sorry...

for what I've done.

I've done something to your car.
Shall we...have a look?

I got your car, I threw some shit on
it.

But in order to make you feel better
about it,

I signed you up for these classes
with your real mobile number.

'Jazzercise life coaching, estate
agents, they're all gonna call you
back.

'Crystal healing, PPI checks,
insurance, body-wraps, indoor surf
classes,

pony trekking, confidence classes,
judo and Scientology.

Welcome to your new life!

'To say sorry for what you've done to
the car, you've signed me up for
these things? Yeah.

So this is worse than that!

The apology is worse than what
you've done!

Which means more points for me!

The balloon wasn't even part of it.

You can have that, to start with!

The teaser!

But obviously you made a terrible
mess of his horrible red car.

But...

It's a horrible red, don't you
think?

Horrible red.

Sort of...

But I think that the real diabolical
crimes were committed after that

because it genuinely was Alex's
phone. It was.

That you signed him up to all those
awful things on!

The Jazzercise lady was so nice.
Wendy? Yes.

You signed him up for Scientology?
Yep. Anton has stopped calling me.

The estate agents still call me,
every Monday afternoon.

Worse than scientology! It's the
worst. That's the worst.

Wendy is the one that I now have
some sort of relationship with.

Let me give out some points.
OK. OK.

Paul's apology was just so creepy

but the crime wasn't bad enough for
me.

Cos I eat jam with my hands all the
time

so I'm gonna give him just one
point.

One point to Paul. Yeah.

If Joe had murdered you, he'd have
got three points.

I'm gonna give him two points.

'You'd only have given him three
points for murdering me?
That's right.

Shows you care.

And three points, I'm gonna give it
to Sian

for exposing the true horror of your
genitals.

Iain's song was absolutely wonderful

'but a pie-ing isn't the most
diabolical of crimes. I'll give him
four points. Right.

'And Lou, I mean I just hate people
like that getting hold of your
phone.

It's such an evil, twisted crime!

She must take the five points.
Five points goes to Lou Sanders.

Alright.

I think we should hear some scores.
The scores? Yeah. OK.

Lou and Sian, the ladies, are at the
top, both with 15 points! Yes!

Right. Please, stand up and strut up
to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Hello! Hello! Who's gonna read the
task out?

I've given the task to Paul Sinha.

"Get into one sleeping bag

"with your arms through the
arm-holes,

the zip zipped up and the hood on
your head.

"Then stand to attention and salute
the Task Master

"for a full five seconds.

"Then get into the other sleeping
bag

"with your arms in the arm-holes,
the zip zipped up

"and the hood on your head whilst
still in your first sleeping bag.

"Then skip once. The fastest wins."

Wait a second! Wait, wait,
wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Blow your little whistle.
Good luck.

'You may don your first sleeping bag
and the second and do the saluting
in the middle.

WHISTLE

Off they go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Get them out of the bag. One's out.

I can't get it out of the bag!
What's wrong, Sian?

Can't get it out of the bag?
There we are. There you go.

It's not out yet.

Still in the bag, here!

Are you alright, Paul? Yeah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Problems here! It's still in the
bag.

Was that five seconds, Joe?
I'm pretty sure it was, yes.

Seemed like five to me. Maybe it was
four!

It's a piece of shit! A piece of
shit!

A piece of shit!

There we go.

APPLAUSE

We have two left. Two left.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE

OK, Paul. It's now up to you whether
or not you want to carry on.

Oh, fuck, yes!

'Before the show, Alex said, "You
haven't mentioned your injured
shoulder."

'I said I'll only mention my injured
shoulder when it's fucking affecting
how I'm performing.

Give it here.

Quite a touching scene!

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I mean, it is the most touching
moment in Taskmaster history!

We'll work that out and then add it
to the final scores.

Come back down and join me.

'What would you do if somebody didn't
salute you for the full five
seconds?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

IAIN WHISTLES

I would give them an absolute
maximum of one point.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh, no! What if we saluted you
for more than five seconds?

That's not relevant in your case!

Sian, the briefest of the salutes at
2.09 seconds. Mine?!

'Lou Sanders saluted for the correct
period of time. Thank you!
Well done, Lou.

So you come second in the task.

There's more people in last place.
We know Sian's in last place.

Tragically, Paul Sinha did not
salute for five seconds.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

'And the third person in last place,
Joe Thomas did not salute for long
enough.

What was that? How long was it?

You saluted for 3.2 seconds.

Men always think it's longer than it
is!

LAUGHTER

Not all men!

You're right. Iain wins the task
and five points!

Wow!

We have an outright winner.
She's won two shows in a row.

The winner with 19 points is Lou
Sanders!

Thank you!

Lou Sanders is the winner of episode
three.

Please head up to the stage
and prepare to pop!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that no matter what
disappointments life throws at you,

relationships that don't last the
course, ambitions unfulfilled,

periods of utter loneliness,

console yourselves that you've never
stooped as low

as entering a solitary grape as a
prize.

And Lou Sanders styled it out to win
the episode.

Well done to her and good night to
you!

Keep warm! Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media