Takin' Over the Asylum (1994–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Let It Be - full transcript
Okay, how about this one?
A group of loonies go on a day trip,
and on the way back,
they stop at a pub for a drink.
I think that's enough, Campbell, eh?
One of the loonies comes running up to
the nurse saying, "Nurse, nurse,
"that barmaid smiled at me."
So the nurse says, "Well, smile back."
So the loony goes away,
but he's back five minutes later
saying, "Nurse, nurse,
that barmaid winked at me."
So the nurse says, "Well, wink back."
So he's away again,
but he's back 10 minutes later saying,
"Nurse, nurse, that barmaid,
she showed me her bosoms."
So the nurse says,
"Well, show her your nuts."
So he's away again, straight up
to the barmaid and goes...
(SCREAMS)
Do you not get it?
The nurse says, "Show her your nuts,"
and he does.
(CAMPBELL LAUGHING)
All right, Campbell.
Have they found my kittens yet?
Francine, I told you.
They were sick.
(CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' PLAYING)
Thanks for the lift.
She'll be all right, you know.
The wee girl's tougher than you think.
Maybe.
I listened to your show on Sunday night,
by the way.
I thought you and Campbell
were wondrous.
Are you going to be famous now?
- I don't think so.
- Why not?
I don't know. I think we've blown it.
The producer left
before the show was over,
and nobody's been in touch since.
How are you?
(DOOR UNLOCKING)
Caretaker let me in.
I told him I was your man.
The caretaker would've let you in if you
told him you was the Yorkshire Ripper.
- So, this is where you're living now?
- Aye.
- It's not much, but...
- Not much?
Men doing 10-to-life
live better than this.
What did you come here for?
I want you to come home.
I want you to just take the drugs
like we agreed, eh?
I can't do that.
How not?
I'm not going to take any more
of this crapola.
You're not going to take it?
I'm not going to take it.
What am I supposed to tell folks
when they ask after you?
That you're living in
a whore's drug den?
Tripping over syringes in the stairs?
And using
your industrial-strength Dettol
to cover up the smell
of stale spunk and dog shite?
It's nice to know you worry about me.
- You cannae stay here, Rosalie.
- I know.
I'm going to Hillcrest,
"in a leafy, suburban setting
"close to shops and transport."
You can help me move in if you want.
Mr Griffin?
Call you tonight. McKenna.
How's my top salesman
this afternoon, eh?
I'm still just learning, sir.
You're going to be my right-hand man
from now on, McKenna.
The district council scheme
starts work next week.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Money in the bank, McKenna.
Money in the bank.
I was wondering just when
the district council commission
would actually be in the bank.
I know what it's like, McKenna.
You want to get out there
and buy that red sports car, eh?
That NICAM stereo, big-screen telly
and video system.
Is that true or am I right?
Aye...
My grandmother is emigrating.
She needs ?3,000.
McKenna, I'm going to tell you something
that I've never told any other salesman
in this company.
I was married once.
- Are you married?
- No, sir.
Then take my advice.
Don't ever get married.
The biggest liability
a salesman can have is a wife.
They suck the life out of you.
Margaret was always on about me
not spending enough time at home.
She said, "Gordon"...My name's Gordon.
- But don't ever call me that.
- No, sir.
She said, "Gordon, there's
a parent-teacher meeting."
And I said, "I have to sell windows."
She said, "Your son's been fighting,"
and I said, "I've got to sell windows."
She said, "Your daughter's on drugs,"
and I said, "I have to sell windows,"
and when she finally up and left,
do you know what I said to myself?
"I've got to sell windows."
(CHUCKLING)
I said, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."
Because she was trying to
drag me down, McKenna.
Just as sure as if she was working
for the competition.
Which I suspected she might have been
when I thought about it,
since she spent longer
than I thought decent
talking to another glaze rep
at a double glazing convention once.
I'm speaking to you
as a father to his son.
Don't ever let personal concerns
drag you down.
If you must, then let them pull you up
to be the best salesman you can be.
You want to help your grandmother?
Go out and sell windows.
You want quick money?
Sell domestic installations.
So what are you going to do?
- I'm gonna sell windows.
- I can't hear you.
I'm gonna sell windows.
That doesn't sound like
my right-hand man.
- I'm gonna sell windows!
- That's my boy!
Good afternoon.
I'm Edward McKenna of Twinview Windows.
We've been left with the stock
from a cancelled order
and can give you a really good deal.
And we'll offer them absolutely free,
except for the cost of materials,
in return for putting up
this wee "Windows by Twinview"sign
in the front of your home.
We've been looking for properties
to use as show houses in the area.
I couldn't help but notice
what a lovely garden you've got.
I'm afraid I'm only authorised to offer
this discount tonight and tonight only.
Well, you're only fitted once.
(ECHOING) And you'll
never regret Twinview.
I've got some work to do.
I'll just sit here and do it
while you two have a wee chat.
(ECHOING) Well, you're only fitted once,
and you'll never regret Twinview.
Well, that's about all we have
time for tonight.
Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night
for Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes Show.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME PLAYING)
Eddie, where the hell have you been?
- Sorry I'm late.
- Late?
- You've missed the whole bloody show.
- I've been working.
Don't have to catch every one of
your shows from start to finish, do I?
It was your show.
It was?
Look, I'm sorry.
I had a few bevvies.
I didn't want to drive.
A couple of bevvies?
You look like you've been
on a three-day binge.
Look, Campbell. I'm a salesman.
That's what I get paid for.
I don't get paid for coming here.
Well, I don't think
that's a very professional attitude.
What do I need
a professional attitude for?
For when you go to lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.
She's been trying to get
in touch with you for days.
Jesus!
Lunch, Eddie, lunch.
And then she said, "I probably
shouldn't be saying this yet,
"but I think I'm going to have
good news for you."
I cannae. You go, Campbell.
She specifically said she wanted
to have lunch with you.
- I cannae do it.
- How not?
I've been waiting for this all my life.
If I went to lunch and came out
with nothing, I don't know what I'd do.
- You'll not come out with nothing.
- Aye. Just make sure she pays for lunch.
Lunch.
- Hang on. We must have passed it.
- Are you sure?
No, you're right.
It's further up the hill.
What have you got in these, anyway, eh?
That one's got my clothes
and household effects
and that one's got my Dettol.
No. I'm sure this isn't right.
We should have crossed
a big road by now.
- I'm going to have to ask somebody.
- You can't just tap any door you see.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
We're sorry to bother you,
but I'm new to the neighbourhood.
Do you know where Hillcrest is?
Going to have a look for yourself, then?
- Aye.
- It's just up the road, on your right.
You'll positively weep when you see it.
First lot are supposed to be
moving in any day now.
Dr Brown's running a community meeting
on Friday if you'd like to come along.
Aye, so I would.
I'll pop in with some leaflets
if you'd like. What's your address?
Number 5, Hillcrest.
My name is Rosalie, by the way.
Nice to meet a neighbour so soon.
Rosalie, listen.
You cannae move in here.
- Why not?
- They don't want you here.
They put up all those posters
to tell you they don't want you here.
You cannae stay where you're not wanted.
Oh, I know. That's why I'm moving.
Oh, look at this, Jim!
It's a palace.
There's gardens and everything.
Robbie would have
loved a place like this.
We should have had
another baby after Robbie died.
- Why did we never have another baby?
- 'Cause we stopped sleeping together.
(BRIGHTSIDE OF THE ROAD PLAYING)
Grandma, good morning.
I'm making breakfast.
You don't even eat breakfast.
You drink only.
Today I'm making breakfast. Sit.
(SWITCHES OFF)
Okay. What is it?
When you were a wee boy,
you make breakfast
only when there's bad news with you
from school.
Grandma, I promise you,
there's no bad news for me from school.
Then what, Eddie?
I don't know you like this.
That's because I'm happy.
I know, it's a new experience,
but we're just going to have to
get used to it because next week
I am going to have lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.
Of course! You are in love.
Oh, Eddie. This is wonderful news.
- No, Grandma. I'm just going to lunch.
- Oh, dinner is better. More romantic.
- Grandma!
- I go to Lithuania next week,
but still is time to get
special licence. I call priest.
Grandma, she is Senior Producer
at Radio Scotland.
And you are hotshot salesman.
You have nothing to be ashamed.
Grandma, it's a business meeting,
not a date.
You're going to sell her windows?
Grandma, she might be offering me
a job at Radio Scotland.
You stupid boy. You stupid, stupid boy!
- Ow!
- You have job.
But not the job I want.
God didn't put you on earth
to have the job you want.
He put you on earth to suffer.
Aye, and I've suffered.
But you see this?
This is a smile.
And you see that?
That is a wee sparkle in my eye.
And I shaved first thing this morning.
I ironed this shirt.
And I haven't had a drink
since yesterday afternoon.
- And you're happy?
- Aye.
And you're not in love?
- No.
- Then you are a fool!
(WHYDO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? PLAYING)
Okay, you boys wait here.
I'll see if I can get her to come down.
You all right?
Good afternoon.
- Where's Francine?
- I'm not sure.
Isabel, is Francine back
from casualty yet?
What? What's happened?
Don't worry. She's all right.
She got hold of a bit of broken glass.
- Oh, Jesus!
- She's all right, I said.
- In seclusion.
- Where is she?
You can't see her right now, Eddie.
- Tell me where she is!
- What's going on?
Is that where she is?
Is it?
- Just wanted to see her.
- I know.
Let's have a coffee, Eddie.
It's only a superficial wound.
We think she found a shard
from a lemonade bottle
that was broken last week.
- Physically, she's fine.
- And...
Otherwise?
You're close to Francine, aren't you?
Pretty close.
Well, for what it's worth, my advice
would be don't get any closer.
She's a very disturbed woman, Eddie.
Look, she was just fine
before that business with the kittens.
How did they have to come in
like that and just take them?
The kittens were sick, Eddie.
They died three days later.
Would she have taken it that much better
if she'd found them dead
in a locker one morning?
This is her file, Eddie.
It tells a very sad story of ten years
of admissions, sections, self-harm.
No one denies that she has lucid periods
during which she can be quite charming.
That's what we all work for.
But they're temporary.
I just thought I ought to let you know
what you're letting yourself in for.
Aye.
- What are you doing here?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
The work Fergus did in here
is just fine.
It doesn't need to be checked
by you or by anybody else.
Look, I don't know
what you're talking about, pal.
This is my radio station!
This is a room in a hospital,
and I'm trying to do a drop
of work here, so bugger off!
- Eddie? Eddie, what...
- Bastards. Bastards!
- Who's he?
- I'm not having this.
I'll not have it!
- I've got to talk to you.
- Eddie, I'm in a meeting.
There's an electrician working
in the station just now.
That's the second one you've sent,
and I'm not having it.
Fergus had a master's degree
in electronics.
Has your guy got
a master's degree in electronics?
He had a master's degree
in electronics and now he's dead.
- I'm sorry. Would you excuse us?
- Of course.
Now, first of all, Eddie, the workman
you have in today is not an electrician.
He is a carpenter.
And neither of them have been in
to check up on Fergus' work.
Then what are they doing in there?
They shouldn't have the keys.
Eddie, we need another
treatment room in Ward 11.
This has been clear for some time.
And several locations on the ward
have been considered.
- Including the radio station?
- Yes.
And it was decided
at yesterday's board meeting
that this would be
the most appropriate site.
I was going to tell you this afternoon.
- Then we're finished.
- No.
I think most of those present felt that
a new site should be found
for the station.
As soon as funding allows.
- I feel dead reassured now.
- Eddie, in case you hadn't noticed,
there is a cash crisis
in the Health Service.
And when they cut back,
do you think they cut back
on heart transplants and body scanners?
They cut back on mental health
because no one really gives a damn.
Now, Dr Winter is still very much
committed to the station,
and I will help you all I can.
But it is very difficult
to feel sorry for someone
who so patently has brought
all this upon himself.
How long have we got?
About a week.
# Oh, you beautiful doll
You great, big, beautiful doll #
- So, what do you think?
- I'm speechless.
I have had a complete makeover.
Sylvie in the flat next to mine
used to be a beautician.
I'm living in a posh neighbourhood now,
so I thought I should make the effort.
Are you not worried
about chemicals and that?
Sylvie is an obsessive-compulsive
as well.
If it's all right with her,
then it's all right with me.
She is a genius, so she is.
- What've you got in the trolley?
- My shopping.
I've just been to the wee shop
down the road.
I'll take it home with me tonight.
Have they not got shops
in your new neighbourhood?
Oh, aye.
Then would it not make sense to do
your shopping in the local shops?
- Aye. But they won't serve me.
- What?
They won't serve anybody from Hillcrest.
Not the paper shop,
not the late-night shop.
Even the local GP's a bit frosty
on account of him being
Chairman of the Residents' Committee
for getting our
planning permission reviewed.
You cannae stand for that, Rosalie.
You've got to tell them
you're not going to take
any more of this crapola.
Aye. That's what I told
the man in the paper shop.
But he told me to bugger off.
He swore at me, Campbell,
which I think was uncalled for.
- You gonna ask them to move you?
- Move me? You're joking.
I've got a bath and toilet
in the same wee room
and a washing machine
on the premises and a microwave.
Do you know what
a microwave is, Campbell?
You put your dinner in,
and then microwaves make
the wee molecules jiggle up and down.
It's a bit like ECT.
Eddie. What do you think?
Jim said I look like a film star.
Now one that had been
in the Betty Ford Clinic once too often,
but a film star.
You look very nice.
What's up with him?
- They're closing us down.
- How?
They're turning this place
into a treatment room.
That's how the workman was in here.
We've got a week to pack up
and be out of here.
You mean I'll not be
station manager any more?
- No.
- What are you talking about?
We're not going to lie down
and play dead over this, are we?
We've built something here.
When I go down the wards
collecting requests, I'm a celebrity.
And you know how?
Because we give folks a voice, and now
the hospital is telling us to shut up.
What can we do?
We can declare UDI.
We can turn ourselves
into an independent charity
like most hospital radio stations
in the country,
demand a site and then run the station
the way we want to.
The only thing stopping us
is lack of dosh.
It's also the only thing
stopping me paying my milk bill.
So we stage a fundraiser
like we did before.
I've got it. A radiothon.
You mean like a telethon
without any pictures?
Aye. We'll broadcast from 10:00
in the morning till 10:00 at night
every day till we raise the dosh.
We'll contact mental health charities,
we'll enlist celebrity DJs,
we'll ensure we get coverage
in every newspaper in Glasgow.
Campbell, if my name appears
in the papers again, I'm out of a job.
Who cares? You're gonna go to lunch
with Paula on Monday.
- You'll have another job.
- We don't know that, Campbell.
She said she was going
to have good news.
Have some faith, Eddie.
This is our moment.
Then how do we need to save the station?
This station isn't just
you and me, Eddie.
I cannae come in with you, Campbell.
Aye.
Well...
- You with me, Rosalie?
- Aye, I'm with you.
Then we'll do it ourselves, Eddie.
And I'll talk to Francine as well.
Good luck.
GRANDMA: Hurry, hurry, stupid boy.
I miss bus.
Put some in left shoe.
Granny, there's 300 quid
in there already.
You'll be crippled
before you reach Poland.
Oh, this is your fault.
How you no get bigger notes?
- Here. Put some more in your bra.
- Too suspicious.
Woman of my age with breasts
that sit up like hungry dogs?
Put in stockings.
Grandma, you cannae do this.
You cannae just get on
a bus to Lithuania
carrying ?3,000 of hard currency.
It's too dangerous.
In 1946, I travel in cattle truck
from displaced persons camp
with nothing but stones in my pocket.
What could be more dangerous?
Grandma, this is crazy.
Ah! You stop that
or I put you in soup and eat you.
I tell you what is crazy, Eddie.
It's crazy for grown man
to keep useless animals.
In Lithuania,
animals are to work or to eat.
Now come along. We go to bus station.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
Just didn't think you'd really go.
- I tell you. Many times.
- I know.
This is it. You leave bags here.
I say goodbye now.
- Grandma!
- What is it?
- I may never see you again.
- You see me for 38 years. Is not enough?
So, you want work radio?
- Aye.
- Then work radio.
But you must find wife
or you will be lonely.
- Ask crazy one to be wife.
- I thought you didn't approve.
To have you, lassie needs to be crazy.
And get rid of cats.
If God meant us to live with animals,
he'd give us four feet.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
(REPLYING IN LITHUANIAN)
(TICKET TO RIDE PLAYING)
The time is 2:45 on day three,
hour number 29
of the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.
In 15 minutes, we're gonna have another
two hours of patients' party pieces,
including Hector, who'll be doing
a selection of his best juggling tricks.
That should certainly
be worth listening to.
I'll be back again at 5:00,
so keep sending me
your requests and dedications,
but most of all, send us your dosh
and rescue our radio.
- Sorry I'm late.
- So you should be. I've...
What happened to you?
Jim came round
and we had a disagreement,
but it's all sorted out now.
- Jim hit you?
- No!
Some wee boys came over the fence
and one of them started
making faces at me through the window.
So I went out, and we disagreed about
whether he was on my property
and then about whether I was a loony
who should be locked up.
And then he threw the stone,
and we disagreed about whether I was
gonna let Jim throttle him or not.
- The kid threw a stone at you?
- Aye.
But I'm from Donegal.
When a stone hits your head,
it's the stone that's in trouble.
Hello, I wanted to volunteer
to do a party piece.
- Aye. What you wanna do?
- I want to play my ukulele.
That's a fiddle.
It is?
But you're welcome to play it tomorrow
at 6:15. Is that okay?
Aye. 6:15.
- Don't forget your fiddle.
- My what?
Your ukulele.
- How's it been going anyway?
- Desperate.
It's been like that all day.
Loads of volunteers to sing
the Postman Pat theme
in 11 different languages.
But where's our celebrity DJs?
Where's our star interviews?
Where's the bloody press?
But the contributions
have been pouring in.
They've been slipping them
under the door.
And a whole load have
just arrived in with the post.
- How much have we got so far?
- ?97 and 27 pence.
We may have to do
something drastic soon.
A real restaurant, eh?
No styrofoam boxes.
Not a clown in sight.
- I'm glad you like it.
- You even get cutlery.
I haven't seen a fish knife since my
second cousin married above her station.
They had a sit-down wedding dinner
for over 100 guests,
which included me, age nine,
dressed in a suit I made
my holy communion in,
which was by then
about two inches too short
in the sleeve and the trousers.
They served fish with a fish knife.
I'd never seen a fish knife before.
Never even seen a fish that
didn't come out of newspaper before.
I was incredibly nervous.
- Are you nervous now?
- No.
Aye. A wee bit.
But Campbell says it'll be okay.
If it's lunch, it's good news,
coffee, it's bad.
You're not thinking
of ordering coffee, are you?
Eddie, we've all had
a good listen to the show
that you and Campbell did the other day.
That was shite, I know. But we were
nervous. We could do a lot better.
It was fine, Eddie.
But as I said,
we'd have to wait for a slot...
There isn't a slot. Yeah, I understand.
No. There is a slot coming up,
as it happens.
David Thompson is leaving
to take a job in London,
and in considering a replacement,
we thought you and Campbell
were the obvious contenders.
Oh, Jesus!
Jesus! You said it. Say it again.
You and Campbell
were the obvious contenders.
I have been waiting all my life
for this moment.
No matter what happens to me now,
my life has taken me to this moment.
Eddie, I haven't finished
what I was going to say.
Ah, there's a "but".
You are gonna order coffee.
Eddie, I made a very strong case
against this view.
But looking at the whole
of the week's programming,
it was felt that it would be better
if the Gold Show remained a solo slot.
Oh, no, no. You're not gonna do this.
You just wanna get rid of Campbell
because he's manic-depressive.
- That's not it, Eddie.
- But you just don't want to have
a loony on your staff.
No. No, no.
If you want me, you're gonna
have to take Campbell as well.
It's Campbell we want, Eddie.
Eddie?
- You look terrible.
- Aye. I had a few bevvies last night.
- Do you mind if I make some coffee?
- Aye, it's through there.
There's no milk, though.
The radiothon's dying on its feet.
Surprise, surprise.
Builders are supposed to be coming in
at 2:00 tomorrow.
And if we're not out of there by then,
they're gonna throw us out.
So we've decided to occupy the station.
Campbell, have you finally
really lost your mind?
- Who's going to occupy it?
- Me and Rosalie.
- And you, I hope.
- No chance.
Eddie, I've thought it all out.
It's the only way to save the station.
I've told all the newspapers.
They're all gonna be there.
We are gonna turn this
into a front-page incident.
Campbell, I've told you,
I don't want to make the front page.
What I want to do is keep my job.
Eddie, you built that station
from nothing.
How can you let that slip away
without a fight?
Because I've got bills to pay.
Electricity bill, gas bill, phone bill,
which my dear grandmother
managed to run into three figures
before going off to Lithuania
with every spare penny I had to give.
And because, although I have lost
more jobs in my life
than you have had manic episodes,
Campbell,
I could make a lot of money now.
I could get respect
for the first time in my life.
Do you think I'm gonna give that all up
for the dubious honour
of going down with my ship?
Eddie, do you not see
that job's killing you?
No, Campbell. My dreams.
My dreams are killing me.
So what did Paula say, then?
She said there's a slot coming up
and they want you to take it.
- You mean they want us to take it.
- No. They see it as a solo slot.
- I'm not going to take it.
- Campbell, take it.
We'll keep at it, Eddie, contact
some other stations. Do another demo.
Campbell, do you want to end up like me?
Take the job! For yourself.
For Fergus, eh?
I promised Paula I'd make you take it.
I don't want to break my word.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go to work.
This is Campbell Bain, and it's D-Day
for the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.
That's "D" for "desperation day"
because we are still
?2,856.53 short of our target.
So this is it, loonies.
If you've got a rich uncle,
then today's the day
to remind him of that filing clerk
he once took to Blackpool,
the name of the cheap hotel
where they stayed
and the type of barnyard animal
that was involved.
We are here for you, loonies,
and we're not going anywhere.
I'm afraid I'm authorised to offer you
the discount today and today only.
How's that?
Well, the special promotion
we've been running in your area
ends tonight at midnight.
I think you should go down
to the radio station.
The draughts from it
are completely out of order.
Now me boys get asthma.
You can put three bars of that fire on
and it makes no difference.
Most of it just goes
straight out the window.
With Twinview windows fitted,
your flat will be
50?% more energy-efficient.
EDDIE: Well, I have got some work to do.
I'll just sit here and do it
while you have a wee think.
Rosalie!
My man's a builder.
It was his idea he'd
buy this place and fix it up.
Only it never got done.
A case of the shoemaker's kids
having no shoes.
No, a case of the shoemaker
shagging his secretary.
The loonies may not have
taken over the asylum,
but they've seized control
of the radio station.
This is Campbell Bain reporting live
from the hospital radio occupation,
where we have locked ourselves
into the station
and have refused to stop broadcasting
until our future is assured.
So talk to your friends, your relatives,
your voices.
Hospital radio must survive!
(ALL CHEERING)
He disappeared last summer,
took everything,
including my wee boy's piggy bank,
which I thought was a bit out of order.
Money's tight, you see.
Well, the Twinview Easy Finance Plan
means you can
stretch out your payments
over five years.
Aye, okay. It has to be done.
- There's no hurry. I'll come back later.
- But the discount?
No, I'm sure I can get permission
to offer it to you tomorrow or whenever.
But I've decided now.
Never-Paint Weatherbeater's
no good for you, hen.
It will spoil the look
of the architecture.
- Well, what about the Moderne?
- Even worse disaster.
Look, I want to sign. I want this sorted
before the weather gets any colder.
Your man's a builder.
Is there any putty about the place?
- I don't know. Probably.
- Your glass is just loose.
I'll fix it for you.
(REVOLUTION PLAYING)
Stuart, what are all these patients
doing in the corridor?
Get them out of here.
Why are they still broadcasting?
Can you not cut their electricity?
Look, this is NHS property,
and I'm going to have to ask
you and your friends
to leave here immediately.
Wait! Home and Away is on
in the day room.
Come on, does nobody want to
go and watch Home and Away?
Francine.
You're back.
I was gonna visit you last week,
but you were...
Somewhere else.
We're gonna lose our station, Francine.
The builders are
sitting outside right now,
ready to tear it apart.
I didn't want to be here, but...
Here I am.
I don't know what's going to happen,
Francine,
except that by tomorrow,
I'm not gonna have a job,
I'm not gonna have a station,
and I'm not gonna have you.
I just wish I could talk to you again.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: That's
exactly what this is, a revolution.
'Cause even now, the forces of sanity
are massing outside the window,
armed with the full weight
of the Scottish Mental Health
and Criminal Trespass Act.
But we can beat them, loonies,
because you know what we've got? Pride.
We are loonies and we are proud!
I miss you.
(REACH OUT, I'LL BE THERE PLAYING)
They've called the police.
Aye, thanks.
You are trespassing on NHS property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
You're trespassing
on National Health property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
(MUSIC GETS LOUDER)
- Just cut them off.
- I've got to find the right fuse.
You want me to cut off some poor sod
who's in the middle of his ECT?
POLICE OFFICER: You're trespassing on
National Health property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
If you do not leave immediately,
you will be arrested and charged.
We're gonna be arrested,
we're gonna be charged!
This is the most glorious day
of my life!
- I think I may have found it.
- Just do it. Do it.
(CROWD BOOING)
(MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS)
ROSALIE: Thanks for bailing me out.
JIM: No trouble.
Oh, dear, an unspeakable act
has been committed on my front step.
I hope that was a dog.
Rosalie, let's just go home, eh?
- I want you to come home.
- I can't.
No strings. We'll just try again.
If I go, they win.
You don't really think Robbie died
because of the lettuce, do you?
No.
No.
Me neither.
"Arrested but not charged,
"were Rosalie Garrity, a former patient
at St Jude's, and Edward McKenna,
"a sales representative
for Twinview Windows,
"who said that fundraising
to launch a new station would continue."
MacAteer brought this to me
this morning.
Well, what do you have
to say for yourself?
No such thing as bad publicity, sir.
Of course there's such a thing
as bad publicity!
I told you to give up that station,
and you said you gave it up.
You lied to me, McKenna.
- I'm a salesman.
- You're no salesman.
I knew from the moment you walked
in here you'd never make the grade.
You're sacked, McKenna. Do you hear me?
- Aye.
- Now get out of here.
When do you want me to come and collect
the commission I'm still owed?
- What commission?
- District council tender.
McKenna, if memory serves,
I made the contact,
I got the plans
and I negotiated the tender.
What exactly did you contribute
to that deal?
It was my tape measure.
As you reap, so shall you sow, Eddie.
Do you know who said that?
- No.
- Then guess.
I don't have to guess.
I don't work for you any more.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
Thank you.
(HIT THE ROAD JACKPLAYING)
CAMPBELL ON RADIO:
That was Hit the Road Jack,
a special dedication to me,
would you believe?
From an anonymous listener
in Bishopbriggs, who writes,
"I know what you are. You should be
locked up and have your balls cut off."
So Gold boppers,
write in to next week's mailbag
and let me know what you think.
Do you want me to be locked up
or just have my balls cut off?
Or do you want me to be locked up
and have my balls cut off?
This is Campbell Bain's Gold Show,
so don't touch that dial.
Just let it be.
(LETITBE PLAYING)
I don't think McTavish
is ever coming back.
No.
I hope she's all right.
She's probably in somebody's kitchen
just now,
wolfing down half a tin of Whiskas.
There used to be this ginger cat who
hung about the school when I was wee.
I called him Pogo
on account of him being able
to jump straight up in the air
if you held a bit of string
above his head.
One day when I was walking home,
Pogo was crossing the street
and a car hit him.
The car kept going
and Pogo kept running.
I ran after him
until he fell down in the grass.
He was still breathing.
I ran home and told Ma
we had to help him.
She said, "Whoever he belongs to
will help him."
I said, "But what if he doesn't
belong to anybody?"
And she said,
"Then he'll just have to help himself."
I went back and sat with Pogo
till he died.
Ma came out looking for me
and found me greeting my wee heart out
over this dead cat.
She said, "What are you greeting for?"
I said, "'Cause Pogo's gone to heaven."
And she said, "Don't be daft.
Animals don't have souls."
They're ripping up our station, Eddie.
They're putting up cupboards and walls
where the windows used to be.
- Then we'll build another one.
- How?
I don't know.
We'll have to ask Campbell.
And you'll be a DJ.
And Rosalie will get a house.
And I'll dance on the stage
at Covent Garden.
I'm an alcoholic, Francine.
I know.
We can get better.
We can.
All it's gonna take is time.
(LETITBE PLAYING)
A group of loonies go on a day trip,
and on the way back,
they stop at a pub for a drink.
I think that's enough, Campbell, eh?
One of the loonies comes running up to
the nurse saying, "Nurse, nurse,
"that barmaid smiled at me."
So the nurse says, "Well, smile back."
So the loony goes away,
but he's back five minutes later
saying, "Nurse, nurse,
that barmaid winked at me."
So the nurse says, "Well, wink back."
So he's away again,
but he's back 10 minutes later saying,
"Nurse, nurse, that barmaid,
she showed me her bosoms."
So the nurse says,
"Well, show her your nuts."
So he's away again, straight up
to the barmaid and goes...
(SCREAMS)
Do you not get it?
The nurse says, "Show her your nuts,"
and he does.
(CAMPBELL LAUGHING)
All right, Campbell.
Have they found my kittens yet?
Francine, I told you.
They were sick.
(CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' PLAYING)
Thanks for the lift.
She'll be all right, you know.
The wee girl's tougher than you think.
Maybe.
I listened to your show on Sunday night,
by the way.
I thought you and Campbell
were wondrous.
Are you going to be famous now?
- I don't think so.
- Why not?
I don't know. I think we've blown it.
The producer left
before the show was over,
and nobody's been in touch since.
How are you?
(DOOR UNLOCKING)
Caretaker let me in.
I told him I was your man.
The caretaker would've let you in if you
told him you was the Yorkshire Ripper.
- So, this is where you're living now?
- Aye.
- It's not much, but...
- Not much?
Men doing 10-to-life
live better than this.
What did you come here for?
I want you to come home.
I want you to just take the drugs
like we agreed, eh?
I can't do that.
How not?
I'm not going to take any more
of this crapola.
You're not going to take it?
I'm not going to take it.
What am I supposed to tell folks
when they ask after you?
That you're living in
a whore's drug den?
Tripping over syringes in the stairs?
And using
your industrial-strength Dettol
to cover up the smell
of stale spunk and dog shite?
It's nice to know you worry about me.
- You cannae stay here, Rosalie.
- I know.
I'm going to Hillcrest,
"in a leafy, suburban setting
"close to shops and transport."
You can help me move in if you want.
Mr Griffin?
Call you tonight. McKenna.
How's my top salesman
this afternoon, eh?
I'm still just learning, sir.
You're going to be my right-hand man
from now on, McKenna.
The district council scheme
starts work next week.
There's plenty more
where that came from.
Money in the bank, McKenna.
Money in the bank.
I was wondering just when
the district council commission
would actually be in the bank.
I know what it's like, McKenna.
You want to get out there
and buy that red sports car, eh?
That NICAM stereo, big-screen telly
and video system.
Is that true or am I right?
Aye...
My grandmother is emigrating.
She needs ?3,000.
McKenna, I'm going to tell you something
that I've never told any other salesman
in this company.
I was married once.
- Are you married?
- No, sir.
Then take my advice.
Don't ever get married.
The biggest liability
a salesman can have is a wife.
They suck the life out of you.
Margaret was always on about me
not spending enough time at home.
She said, "Gordon"...My name's Gordon.
- But don't ever call me that.
- No, sir.
She said, "Gordon, there's
a parent-teacher meeting."
And I said, "I have to sell windows."
She said, "Your son's been fighting,"
and I said, "I've got to sell windows."
She said, "Your daughter's on drugs,"
and I said, "I have to sell windows,"
and when she finally up and left,
do you know what I said to myself?
"I've got to sell windows."
(CHUCKLING)
I said, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."
Because she was trying to
drag me down, McKenna.
Just as sure as if she was working
for the competition.
Which I suspected she might have been
when I thought about it,
since she spent longer
than I thought decent
talking to another glaze rep
at a double glazing convention once.
I'm speaking to you
as a father to his son.
Don't ever let personal concerns
drag you down.
If you must, then let them pull you up
to be the best salesman you can be.
You want to help your grandmother?
Go out and sell windows.
You want quick money?
Sell domestic installations.
So what are you going to do?
- I'm gonna sell windows.
- I can't hear you.
I'm gonna sell windows.
That doesn't sound like
my right-hand man.
- I'm gonna sell windows!
- That's my boy!
Good afternoon.
I'm Edward McKenna of Twinview Windows.
We've been left with the stock
from a cancelled order
and can give you a really good deal.
And we'll offer them absolutely free,
except for the cost of materials,
in return for putting up
this wee "Windows by Twinview"sign
in the front of your home.
We've been looking for properties
to use as show houses in the area.
I couldn't help but notice
what a lovely garden you've got.
I'm afraid I'm only authorised to offer
this discount tonight and tonight only.
Well, you're only fitted once.
(ECHOING) And you'll
never regret Twinview.
I've got some work to do.
I'll just sit here and do it
while you two have a wee chat.
(ECHOING) Well, you're only fitted once,
and you'll never regret Twinview.
Well, that's about all we have
time for tonight.
Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night
for Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes Show.
(LOONEY TUNESTHEME PLAYING)
Eddie, where the hell have you been?
- Sorry I'm late.
- Late?
- You've missed the whole bloody show.
- I've been working.
Don't have to catch every one of
your shows from start to finish, do I?
It was your show.
It was?
Look, I'm sorry.
I had a few bevvies.
I didn't want to drive.
A couple of bevvies?
You look like you've been
on a three-day binge.
Look, Campbell. I'm a salesman.
That's what I get paid for.
I don't get paid for coming here.
Well, I don't think
that's a very professional attitude.
What do I need
a professional attitude for?
For when you go to lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.
She's been trying to get
in touch with you for days.
Jesus!
Lunch, Eddie, lunch.
And then she said, "I probably
shouldn't be saying this yet,
"but I think I'm going to have
good news for you."
I cannae. You go, Campbell.
She specifically said she wanted
to have lunch with you.
- I cannae do it.
- How not?
I've been waiting for this all my life.
If I went to lunch and came out
with nothing, I don't know what I'd do.
- You'll not come out with nothing.
- Aye. Just make sure she pays for lunch.
Lunch.
- Hang on. We must have passed it.
- Are you sure?
No, you're right.
It's further up the hill.
What have you got in these, anyway, eh?
That one's got my clothes
and household effects
and that one's got my Dettol.
No. I'm sure this isn't right.
We should have crossed
a big road by now.
- I'm going to have to ask somebody.
- You can't just tap any door you see.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
We're sorry to bother you,
but I'm new to the neighbourhood.
Do you know where Hillcrest is?
Going to have a look for yourself, then?
- Aye.
- It's just up the road, on your right.
You'll positively weep when you see it.
First lot are supposed to be
moving in any day now.
Dr Brown's running a community meeting
on Friday if you'd like to come along.
Aye, so I would.
I'll pop in with some leaflets
if you'd like. What's your address?
Number 5, Hillcrest.
My name is Rosalie, by the way.
Nice to meet a neighbour so soon.
Rosalie, listen.
You cannae move in here.
- Why not?
- They don't want you here.
They put up all those posters
to tell you they don't want you here.
You cannae stay where you're not wanted.
Oh, I know. That's why I'm moving.
Oh, look at this, Jim!
It's a palace.
There's gardens and everything.
Robbie would have
loved a place like this.
We should have had
another baby after Robbie died.
- Why did we never have another baby?
- 'Cause we stopped sleeping together.
(BRIGHTSIDE OF THE ROAD PLAYING)
Grandma, good morning.
I'm making breakfast.
You don't even eat breakfast.
You drink only.
Today I'm making breakfast. Sit.
(SWITCHES OFF)
Okay. What is it?
When you were a wee boy,
you make breakfast
only when there's bad news with you
from school.
Grandma, I promise you,
there's no bad news for me from school.
Then what, Eddie?
I don't know you like this.
That's because I'm happy.
I know, it's a new experience,
but we're just going to have to
get used to it because next week
I am going to have lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.
Of course! You are in love.
Oh, Eddie. This is wonderful news.
- No, Grandma. I'm just going to lunch.
- Oh, dinner is better. More romantic.
- Grandma!
- I go to Lithuania next week,
but still is time to get
special licence. I call priest.
Grandma, she is Senior Producer
at Radio Scotland.
And you are hotshot salesman.
You have nothing to be ashamed.
Grandma, it's a business meeting,
not a date.
You're going to sell her windows?
Grandma, she might be offering me
a job at Radio Scotland.
You stupid boy. You stupid, stupid boy!
- Ow!
- You have job.
But not the job I want.
God didn't put you on earth
to have the job you want.
He put you on earth to suffer.
Aye, and I've suffered.
But you see this?
This is a smile.
And you see that?
That is a wee sparkle in my eye.
And I shaved first thing this morning.
I ironed this shirt.
And I haven't had a drink
since yesterday afternoon.
- And you're happy?
- Aye.
And you're not in love?
- No.
- Then you are a fool!
(WHYDO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? PLAYING)
Okay, you boys wait here.
I'll see if I can get her to come down.
You all right?
Good afternoon.
- Where's Francine?
- I'm not sure.
Isabel, is Francine back
from casualty yet?
What? What's happened?
Don't worry. She's all right.
She got hold of a bit of broken glass.
- Oh, Jesus!
- She's all right, I said.
- In seclusion.
- Where is she?
You can't see her right now, Eddie.
- Tell me where she is!
- What's going on?
Is that where she is?
Is it?
- Just wanted to see her.
- I know.
Let's have a coffee, Eddie.
It's only a superficial wound.
We think she found a shard
from a lemonade bottle
that was broken last week.
- Physically, she's fine.
- And...
Otherwise?
You're close to Francine, aren't you?
Pretty close.
Well, for what it's worth, my advice
would be don't get any closer.
She's a very disturbed woman, Eddie.
Look, she was just fine
before that business with the kittens.
How did they have to come in
like that and just take them?
The kittens were sick, Eddie.
They died three days later.
Would she have taken it that much better
if she'd found them dead
in a locker one morning?
This is her file, Eddie.
It tells a very sad story of ten years
of admissions, sections, self-harm.
No one denies that she has lucid periods
during which she can be quite charming.
That's what we all work for.
But they're temporary.
I just thought I ought to let you know
what you're letting yourself in for.
Aye.
- What are you doing here?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
The work Fergus did in here
is just fine.
It doesn't need to be checked
by you or by anybody else.
Look, I don't know
what you're talking about, pal.
This is my radio station!
This is a room in a hospital,
and I'm trying to do a drop
of work here, so bugger off!
- Eddie? Eddie, what...
- Bastards. Bastards!
- Who's he?
- I'm not having this.
I'll not have it!
- I've got to talk to you.
- Eddie, I'm in a meeting.
There's an electrician working
in the station just now.
That's the second one you've sent,
and I'm not having it.
Fergus had a master's degree
in electronics.
Has your guy got
a master's degree in electronics?
He had a master's degree
in electronics and now he's dead.
- I'm sorry. Would you excuse us?
- Of course.
Now, first of all, Eddie, the workman
you have in today is not an electrician.
He is a carpenter.
And neither of them have been in
to check up on Fergus' work.
Then what are they doing in there?
They shouldn't have the keys.
Eddie, we need another
treatment room in Ward 11.
This has been clear for some time.
And several locations on the ward
have been considered.
- Including the radio station?
- Yes.
And it was decided
at yesterday's board meeting
that this would be
the most appropriate site.
I was going to tell you this afternoon.
- Then we're finished.
- No.
I think most of those present felt that
a new site should be found
for the station.
As soon as funding allows.
- I feel dead reassured now.
- Eddie, in case you hadn't noticed,
there is a cash crisis
in the Health Service.
And when they cut back,
do you think they cut back
on heart transplants and body scanners?
They cut back on mental health
because no one really gives a damn.
Now, Dr Winter is still very much
committed to the station,
and I will help you all I can.
But it is very difficult
to feel sorry for someone
who so patently has brought
all this upon himself.
How long have we got?
About a week.
# Oh, you beautiful doll
You great, big, beautiful doll #
- So, what do you think?
- I'm speechless.
I have had a complete makeover.
Sylvie in the flat next to mine
used to be a beautician.
I'm living in a posh neighbourhood now,
so I thought I should make the effort.
Are you not worried
about chemicals and that?
Sylvie is an obsessive-compulsive
as well.
If it's all right with her,
then it's all right with me.
She is a genius, so she is.
- What've you got in the trolley?
- My shopping.
I've just been to the wee shop
down the road.
I'll take it home with me tonight.
Have they not got shops
in your new neighbourhood?
Oh, aye.
Then would it not make sense to do
your shopping in the local shops?
- Aye. But they won't serve me.
- What?
They won't serve anybody from Hillcrest.
Not the paper shop,
not the late-night shop.
Even the local GP's a bit frosty
on account of him being
Chairman of the Residents' Committee
for getting our
planning permission reviewed.
You cannae stand for that, Rosalie.
You've got to tell them
you're not going to take
any more of this crapola.
Aye. That's what I told
the man in the paper shop.
But he told me to bugger off.
He swore at me, Campbell,
which I think was uncalled for.
- You gonna ask them to move you?
- Move me? You're joking.
I've got a bath and toilet
in the same wee room
and a washing machine
on the premises and a microwave.
Do you know what
a microwave is, Campbell?
You put your dinner in,
and then microwaves make
the wee molecules jiggle up and down.
It's a bit like ECT.
Eddie. What do you think?
Jim said I look like a film star.
Now one that had been
in the Betty Ford Clinic once too often,
but a film star.
You look very nice.
What's up with him?
- They're closing us down.
- How?
They're turning this place
into a treatment room.
That's how the workman was in here.
We've got a week to pack up
and be out of here.
You mean I'll not be
station manager any more?
- No.
- What are you talking about?
We're not going to lie down
and play dead over this, are we?
We've built something here.
When I go down the wards
collecting requests, I'm a celebrity.
And you know how?
Because we give folks a voice, and now
the hospital is telling us to shut up.
What can we do?
We can declare UDI.
We can turn ourselves
into an independent charity
like most hospital radio stations
in the country,
demand a site and then run the station
the way we want to.
The only thing stopping us
is lack of dosh.
It's also the only thing
stopping me paying my milk bill.
So we stage a fundraiser
like we did before.
I've got it. A radiothon.
You mean like a telethon
without any pictures?
Aye. We'll broadcast from 10:00
in the morning till 10:00 at night
every day till we raise the dosh.
We'll contact mental health charities,
we'll enlist celebrity DJs,
we'll ensure we get coverage
in every newspaper in Glasgow.
Campbell, if my name appears
in the papers again, I'm out of a job.
Who cares? You're gonna go to lunch
with Paula on Monday.
- You'll have another job.
- We don't know that, Campbell.
She said she was going
to have good news.
Have some faith, Eddie.
This is our moment.
Then how do we need to save the station?
This station isn't just
you and me, Eddie.
I cannae come in with you, Campbell.
Aye.
Well...
- You with me, Rosalie?
- Aye, I'm with you.
Then we'll do it ourselves, Eddie.
And I'll talk to Francine as well.
Good luck.
GRANDMA: Hurry, hurry, stupid boy.
I miss bus.
Put some in left shoe.
Granny, there's 300 quid
in there already.
You'll be crippled
before you reach Poland.
Oh, this is your fault.
How you no get bigger notes?
- Here. Put some more in your bra.
- Too suspicious.
Woman of my age with breasts
that sit up like hungry dogs?
Put in stockings.
Grandma, you cannae do this.
You cannae just get on
a bus to Lithuania
carrying ?3,000 of hard currency.
It's too dangerous.
In 1946, I travel in cattle truck
from displaced persons camp
with nothing but stones in my pocket.
What could be more dangerous?
Grandma, this is crazy.
Ah! You stop that
or I put you in soup and eat you.
I tell you what is crazy, Eddie.
It's crazy for grown man
to keep useless animals.
In Lithuania,
animals are to work or to eat.
Now come along. We go to bus station.
What's wrong?
I don't know.
Just didn't think you'd really go.
- I tell you. Many times.
- I know.
This is it. You leave bags here.
I say goodbye now.
- Grandma!
- What is it?
- I may never see you again.
- You see me for 38 years. Is not enough?
So, you want work radio?
- Aye.
- Then work radio.
But you must find wife
or you will be lonely.
- Ask crazy one to be wife.
- I thought you didn't approve.
To have you, lassie needs to be crazy.
And get rid of cats.
If God meant us to live with animals,
he'd give us four feet.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
(REPLYING IN LITHUANIAN)
(TICKET TO RIDE PLAYING)
The time is 2:45 on day three,
hour number 29
of the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.
In 15 minutes, we're gonna have another
two hours of patients' party pieces,
including Hector, who'll be doing
a selection of his best juggling tricks.
That should certainly
be worth listening to.
I'll be back again at 5:00,
so keep sending me
your requests and dedications,
but most of all, send us your dosh
and rescue our radio.
- Sorry I'm late.
- So you should be. I've...
What happened to you?
Jim came round
and we had a disagreement,
but it's all sorted out now.
- Jim hit you?
- No!
Some wee boys came over the fence
and one of them started
making faces at me through the window.
So I went out, and we disagreed about
whether he was on my property
and then about whether I was a loony
who should be locked up.
And then he threw the stone,
and we disagreed about whether I was
gonna let Jim throttle him or not.
- The kid threw a stone at you?
- Aye.
But I'm from Donegal.
When a stone hits your head,
it's the stone that's in trouble.
Hello, I wanted to volunteer
to do a party piece.
- Aye. What you wanna do?
- I want to play my ukulele.
That's a fiddle.
It is?
But you're welcome to play it tomorrow
at 6:15. Is that okay?
Aye. 6:15.
- Don't forget your fiddle.
- My what?
Your ukulele.
- How's it been going anyway?
- Desperate.
It's been like that all day.
Loads of volunteers to sing
the Postman Pat theme
in 11 different languages.
But where's our celebrity DJs?
Where's our star interviews?
Where's the bloody press?
But the contributions
have been pouring in.
They've been slipping them
under the door.
And a whole load have
just arrived in with the post.
- How much have we got so far?
- ?97 and 27 pence.
We may have to do
something drastic soon.
A real restaurant, eh?
No styrofoam boxes.
Not a clown in sight.
- I'm glad you like it.
- You even get cutlery.
I haven't seen a fish knife since my
second cousin married above her station.
They had a sit-down wedding dinner
for over 100 guests,
which included me, age nine,
dressed in a suit I made
my holy communion in,
which was by then
about two inches too short
in the sleeve and the trousers.
They served fish with a fish knife.
I'd never seen a fish knife before.
Never even seen a fish that
didn't come out of newspaper before.
I was incredibly nervous.
- Are you nervous now?
- No.
Aye. A wee bit.
But Campbell says it'll be okay.
If it's lunch, it's good news,
coffee, it's bad.
You're not thinking
of ordering coffee, are you?
Eddie, we've all had
a good listen to the show
that you and Campbell did the other day.
That was shite, I know. But we were
nervous. We could do a lot better.
It was fine, Eddie.
But as I said,
we'd have to wait for a slot...
There isn't a slot. Yeah, I understand.
No. There is a slot coming up,
as it happens.
David Thompson is leaving
to take a job in London,
and in considering a replacement,
we thought you and Campbell
were the obvious contenders.
Oh, Jesus!
Jesus! You said it. Say it again.
You and Campbell
were the obvious contenders.
I have been waiting all my life
for this moment.
No matter what happens to me now,
my life has taken me to this moment.
Eddie, I haven't finished
what I was going to say.
Ah, there's a "but".
You are gonna order coffee.
Eddie, I made a very strong case
against this view.
But looking at the whole
of the week's programming,
it was felt that it would be better
if the Gold Show remained a solo slot.
Oh, no, no. You're not gonna do this.
You just wanna get rid of Campbell
because he's manic-depressive.
- That's not it, Eddie.
- But you just don't want to have
a loony on your staff.
No. No, no.
If you want me, you're gonna
have to take Campbell as well.
It's Campbell we want, Eddie.
Eddie?
- You look terrible.
- Aye. I had a few bevvies last night.
- Do you mind if I make some coffee?
- Aye, it's through there.
There's no milk, though.
The radiothon's dying on its feet.
Surprise, surprise.
Builders are supposed to be coming in
at 2:00 tomorrow.
And if we're not out of there by then,
they're gonna throw us out.
So we've decided to occupy the station.
Campbell, have you finally
really lost your mind?
- Who's going to occupy it?
- Me and Rosalie.
- And you, I hope.
- No chance.
Eddie, I've thought it all out.
It's the only way to save the station.
I've told all the newspapers.
They're all gonna be there.
We are gonna turn this
into a front-page incident.
Campbell, I've told you,
I don't want to make the front page.
What I want to do is keep my job.
Eddie, you built that station
from nothing.
How can you let that slip away
without a fight?
Because I've got bills to pay.
Electricity bill, gas bill, phone bill,
which my dear grandmother
managed to run into three figures
before going off to Lithuania
with every spare penny I had to give.
And because, although I have lost
more jobs in my life
than you have had manic episodes,
Campbell,
I could make a lot of money now.
I could get respect
for the first time in my life.
Do you think I'm gonna give that all up
for the dubious honour
of going down with my ship?
Eddie, do you not see
that job's killing you?
No, Campbell. My dreams.
My dreams are killing me.
So what did Paula say, then?
She said there's a slot coming up
and they want you to take it.
- You mean they want us to take it.
- No. They see it as a solo slot.
- I'm not going to take it.
- Campbell, take it.
We'll keep at it, Eddie, contact
some other stations. Do another demo.
Campbell, do you want to end up like me?
Take the job! For yourself.
For Fergus, eh?
I promised Paula I'd make you take it.
I don't want to break my word.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go to work.
This is Campbell Bain, and it's D-Day
for the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.
That's "D" for "desperation day"
because we are still
?2,856.53 short of our target.
So this is it, loonies.
If you've got a rich uncle,
then today's the day
to remind him of that filing clerk
he once took to Blackpool,
the name of the cheap hotel
where they stayed
and the type of barnyard animal
that was involved.
We are here for you, loonies,
and we're not going anywhere.
I'm afraid I'm authorised to offer you
the discount today and today only.
How's that?
Well, the special promotion
we've been running in your area
ends tonight at midnight.
I think you should go down
to the radio station.
The draughts from it
are completely out of order.
Now me boys get asthma.
You can put three bars of that fire on
and it makes no difference.
Most of it just goes
straight out the window.
With Twinview windows fitted,
your flat will be
50?% more energy-efficient.
EDDIE: Well, I have got some work to do.
I'll just sit here and do it
while you have a wee think.
Rosalie!
My man's a builder.
It was his idea he'd
buy this place and fix it up.
Only it never got done.
A case of the shoemaker's kids
having no shoes.
No, a case of the shoemaker
shagging his secretary.
The loonies may not have
taken over the asylum,
but they've seized control
of the radio station.
This is Campbell Bain reporting live
from the hospital radio occupation,
where we have locked ourselves
into the station
and have refused to stop broadcasting
until our future is assured.
So talk to your friends, your relatives,
your voices.
Hospital radio must survive!
(ALL CHEERING)
He disappeared last summer,
took everything,
including my wee boy's piggy bank,
which I thought was a bit out of order.
Money's tight, you see.
Well, the Twinview Easy Finance Plan
means you can
stretch out your payments
over five years.
Aye, okay. It has to be done.
- There's no hurry. I'll come back later.
- But the discount?
No, I'm sure I can get permission
to offer it to you tomorrow or whenever.
But I've decided now.
Never-Paint Weatherbeater's
no good for you, hen.
It will spoil the look
of the architecture.
- Well, what about the Moderne?
- Even worse disaster.
Look, I want to sign. I want this sorted
before the weather gets any colder.
Your man's a builder.
Is there any putty about the place?
- I don't know. Probably.
- Your glass is just loose.
I'll fix it for you.
(REVOLUTION PLAYING)
Stuart, what are all these patients
doing in the corridor?
Get them out of here.
Why are they still broadcasting?
Can you not cut their electricity?
Look, this is NHS property,
and I'm going to have to ask
you and your friends
to leave here immediately.
Wait! Home and Away is on
in the day room.
Come on, does nobody want to
go and watch Home and Away?
Francine.
You're back.
I was gonna visit you last week,
but you were...
Somewhere else.
We're gonna lose our station, Francine.
The builders are
sitting outside right now,
ready to tear it apart.
I didn't want to be here, but...
Here I am.
I don't know what's going to happen,
Francine,
except that by tomorrow,
I'm not gonna have a job,
I'm not gonna have a station,
and I'm not gonna have you.
I just wish I could talk to you again.
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: That's
exactly what this is, a revolution.
'Cause even now, the forces of sanity
are massing outside the window,
armed with the full weight
of the Scottish Mental Health
and Criminal Trespass Act.
But we can beat them, loonies,
because you know what we've got? Pride.
We are loonies and we are proud!
I miss you.
(REACH OUT, I'LL BE THERE PLAYING)
They've called the police.
Aye, thanks.
You are trespassing on NHS property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
You're trespassing
on National Health property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
(MUSIC GETS LOUDER)
- Just cut them off.
- I've got to find the right fuse.
You want me to cut off some poor sod
who's in the middle of his ECT?
POLICE OFFICER: You're trespassing on
National Health property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.
If you do not leave immediately,
you will be arrested and charged.
We're gonna be arrested,
we're gonna be charged!
This is the most glorious day
of my life!
- I think I may have found it.
- Just do it. Do it.
(CROWD BOOING)
(MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS)
ROSALIE: Thanks for bailing me out.
JIM: No trouble.
Oh, dear, an unspeakable act
has been committed on my front step.
I hope that was a dog.
Rosalie, let's just go home, eh?
- I want you to come home.
- I can't.
No strings. We'll just try again.
If I go, they win.
You don't really think Robbie died
because of the lettuce, do you?
No.
No.
Me neither.
"Arrested but not charged,
"were Rosalie Garrity, a former patient
at St Jude's, and Edward McKenna,
"a sales representative
for Twinview Windows,
"who said that fundraising
to launch a new station would continue."
MacAteer brought this to me
this morning.
Well, what do you have
to say for yourself?
No such thing as bad publicity, sir.
Of course there's such a thing
as bad publicity!
I told you to give up that station,
and you said you gave it up.
You lied to me, McKenna.
- I'm a salesman.
- You're no salesman.
I knew from the moment you walked
in here you'd never make the grade.
You're sacked, McKenna. Do you hear me?
- Aye.
- Now get out of here.
When do you want me to come and collect
the commission I'm still owed?
- What commission?
- District council tender.
McKenna, if memory serves,
I made the contact,
I got the plans
and I negotiated the tender.
What exactly did you contribute
to that deal?
It was my tape measure.
As you reap, so shall you sow, Eddie.
Do you know who said that?
- No.
- Then guess.
I don't have to guess.
I don't work for you any more.
I'm really sorry, Eddie.
Thank you.
(HIT THE ROAD JACKPLAYING)
CAMPBELL ON RADIO:
That was Hit the Road Jack,
a special dedication to me,
would you believe?
From an anonymous listener
in Bishopbriggs, who writes,
"I know what you are. You should be
locked up and have your balls cut off."
So Gold boppers,
write in to next week's mailbag
and let me know what you think.
Do you want me to be locked up
or just have my balls cut off?
Or do you want me to be locked up
and have my balls cut off?
This is Campbell Bain's Gold Show,
so don't touch that dial.
Just let it be.
(LETITBE PLAYING)
I don't think McTavish
is ever coming back.
No.
I hope she's all right.
She's probably in somebody's kitchen
just now,
wolfing down half a tin of Whiskas.
There used to be this ginger cat who
hung about the school when I was wee.
I called him Pogo
on account of him being able
to jump straight up in the air
if you held a bit of string
above his head.
One day when I was walking home,
Pogo was crossing the street
and a car hit him.
The car kept going
and Pogo kept running.
I ran after him
until he fell down in the grass.
He was still breathing.
I ran home and told Ma
we had to help him.
She said, "Whoever he belongs to
will help him."
I said, "But what if he doesn't
belong to anybody?"
And she said,
"Then he'll just have to help himself."
I went back and sat with Pogo
till he died.
Ma came out looking for me
and found me greeting my wee heart out
over this dead cat.
She said, "What are you greeting for?"
I said, "'Cause Pogo's gone to heaven."
And she said, "Don't be daft.
Animals don't have souls."
They're ripping up our station, Eddie.
They're putting up cupboards and walls
where the windows used to be.
- Then we'll build another one.
- How?
I don't know.
We'll have to ask Campbell.
And you'll be a DJ.
And Rosalie will get a house.
And I'll dance on the stage
at Covent Garden.
I'm an alcoholic, Francine.
I know.
We can get better.
We can.
All it's gonna take is time.
(LETITBE PLAYING)