Takin' Over the Asylum (1994–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rainy Night in Georgia - full transcript
CAMPBELL: Some wake, huh?
We can go on back to the house
with the others.
His da invited us.
Did he, hell.
An invitation is when you say,
"Would you like to come back
to the house for a wee whisky?"
Not "I suppose you can come back
to the house if you want."
I mean, who were all those folk?
Rental mourners?
Never saw any of them come to visit
Fergus in hospital.
Fair enough.
And that minister,
don't think he'd even met the guy.
Talking about the tragic death
of a young man of only 30 years.
Fergus was 27!
He had us up to sing
Fergus' favourite hymn!
Fergus was a raving,
card-carrying atheist!
And that bit about the terrible illness
that eventually killed him.
Fergus didn't have cancer!
He was a loony!
A bam! Crazy, mental, out-to-lunch,
of another planet!
You are pished, my friend.
That's rich coming for you.
Aye, but I'm not an amateur.
He was a genius.
He could've done anything.
Aye, so he could.
(RAINYNIGHTIN GEORGIA PLAYING)
- Who the hell are you?
- I could ask you the same thing.
I'm the guy who owns that record.
Some collector.
That's an original Brook Benton version
from 1968.
1969. How did you get in here?
Nobody's supposed to be here
except authorised staff.
I'm the electrician.
- Right. That's it.
- What?
- They don't go on like that.
- They do tonight.
What are you on, pal?
- Eddie! Eddie!
- Daft bastard!
- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?
- Why is he not sedated?
- He's not a patient!
Well, he should be.
It doesn't matter to Fergus now.
You're only storing up trouble
for yourself.
Aye. Well, it's easily done round here!
EDDIE: You waiting on McTavish?
FRANCINE: Aye. I haven't seen him...
her in a couple of days.
I hear you and Campbell are doing
a pilot programme for Radio Scotland.
Aye, we record it Monday.
- It's exciting though, eh?
- I try not to think of it.
- You don't need that, Eddie.
- I do. I'm going to a sales meeting.
- That stuff could take over, you know.
- Already has taken over.
Without my wee friend here,
I couldn't do it.
First time I got pished, I was 15.
This teacher was gonna make us
memorise a poem
and stand up and recite it
in front of the class.
- You didn't want to do it.
- No, I wanted to do it, but...
I knew the poem, but every time
I tried to recite it, I'd forget bits.
I was that terrified
when the day finally came,
my pal Colin and I had
a couple of cans behind the bike shed
to steady our nerves.
And it changed everything.
I had my nerve back.
When I stood up in front of that class
that afternoon, it was brilliant.
- You remembered the poem?
- Of course not.
No, I was that desperate.
I started throwing in things like,
"Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck.
"She put them on the mantelpiece
to see if they'd fall off."
Except the teacher never let me
get to the punch line.
But the point...
The point is that I didn't care.
I could suddenly do anything,
no matter how humiliating, and not care.
I was free.
You'll not take
your wee friend on Monday?
Cannae promise.
But who knows, you might like
my version of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
ALL: Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell!
And in closing,
salesman and salesladies of the month,
I want to bring your attention
to this month's issue of The Glazier.
It has some
pretty disturbing news in it.
It says here that Britain
is presently experiencing a recession.
That householders and businesses
are saying, "No, I can't afford it.
"It's not the time to be fitting
new windows to our homes
"and our shops and our offices."
Well, do you know what I say to that?
- Lavery?
- Work harder.
Are you not already working harder?
Remind me to sack you.
- Webster?
- Sell! Sell! Sell!
- No, we've done that. MacAteer?
- Balls and poppycock.
Balls and poppycock.
That's what I say, by God,
and so does John MacAteer.
And I'm proud to tell you that
this afternoon,
he came to tell me that,
after walking in cold
to the Links Business Systems building
in Paisley,
and after six gruelling weeks
of sales presentations,
the company have asked him
for a quotation
for a full set of replacement windows!
(ALL CHEERING)
Is there... Is there a recession on?
ALL: No!
Then get out there and sell Twinview!
(ALL CHEERING)
You were late. If I'd been a customer,
you'd have lost your sale.
Sorry.
Do you know what the essential paradox
of being a salesman is?
Do I have to guess?
Take as much time as you need
to close a sale,
but don't be late for your next one.
That's the essential paradox
of being a salesman.
A very wise man told me that,
our National Sales Director.
So remember it, and don't be late again.
Don't mind him. He's been
telling that story for eight years
and he still doesn't know
what "paradox" means.
So, I hear you're doing
the big district council tender.
Aye, I've got a meeting on Tuesday.
MacATEER: I was looking at the plans.
This one should be worth at least 35k.
It's a fair old commission at 10?%,
eh, McKenna?
And I hear Griffin's going along
to hold your hand.
I thought we might need
to negotiate a wee bit.
So Griffin's made the contact
at the council, got you the plans,
and is going along with you
and negotiate the tender.
What exactly are you gonna be
contributing to the deal?
It's my tape measure.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Grandma, what...
Jesus! What are you doing?
Don't take God's name in vain,
he'll punish you.
But what are you doing?
Tomorrow I make jumble sale.
I raise much money to go to Lithuania.
By selling Granddad's hat stand?
He has no need of hats. He's dead.
Why are you doing this?
Because I need ?3,000
and you don't give!
You cannae go to Lithuania
in the dead of winter.
You will freeze and you will starve!
So it'll be like old times, then!
It willnae be like old times.
You'll die of hypothermia.
That is not so bad.
Being shot by the SS, that is bad.
So you're really gonna go?
I want to die with my own people, Eddie!
This is the only thing I ask.
I'll see what I can do.
And that you come
to Lithuanian Club next week, too.
- Okay.
- And that you bring beautiful wife
with you so everybody tells me
you're a lucky guy. Three things I ask.
- Grandma, I don't have a wife.
- You have till next Wednesday.
I'm not gonna find a wife
by next Wednesday.
Then bring your intended one.
I don't have an intended one.
You cannot do this for me?
The last thing I ask of you
before I die?
Grandma, I don't have a wife
and I don't have an intended one.
What do you want me to do?
Okay. Bring girlfriend.
(DREAM LOVER PLAYING)
Freeze! Don't look.
What was the name of that record?
- Dream Lover.
- Which was in the British charts for?
- Nineteen weeks.
- In?
- 1959.
- See? I told you he could do it.
- Did I not tell you?
- He is a genius, so he is.
- You're still here?
- Oh, aye.
If they want to get rid of me,
they'll have to catch me first.
Rosalie's got us all organised
for the pilot tomorrow, Eddie.
It's gonna be brilliant. And I have
just come up with the perfect angle.
- Which is?
- We are gonna be playing
a number one hit for every year
from 1956 to 1970, aye?
And I've got a list here
of every number one hit
in every one of those years, Eddie.
So at the end of the hour,
we invite our listeners to phone in
and pit their wits
against the master of hits,
- Dr Boogie!
- Who's Dr Boogie?
You! That's the angle!
So if they can ask a question about
any of the hits we've played
that you cannae answer,
they win a major prize.
He's a genius.
Campbell, this is
a recording we're doing.
The only folk who're
gonna be listening are Paula
and a couple of bored guys
on their dinner break.
Then we'll get them to phone in.
What's the major prize?
We just kid on there's a prize,
so it can be anything we want.
A trip to Graceland by time machine
to meet Elvis.
Lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
I don't have to conform to
the vagaries of time and space.
I'm a loony, for God's sake.
Look, a full moon!
(HOWLING)
EDDIE: I thought you wanted to
keep quiet about that.
They're not going to do to me
what they did to Fergus, Eddie.
Nobody's gonna find me
in a heap on the pavement.
I'm gonna flaunt it.
I'm gonna exploit it for all it's worth
because we are loonies and we are proud!
We are loonies and we are proud!
We are loonies and we are proud!
Social worker, quick! Social worker!
ROSALIE: I shouldn't have
tidied the boxes.
Have you seen Rosalie?
The social worker's here.
She's not been in tonight.
She came in at 7:30. I saw her.
- Well, she's not here now.
- Are you calling me a liar?
No, Stuart, I'm calling you stupid.
Eddie, what are those boxes doing out?
Um...
Campbell and I have been doing
some organising.
Well, could you put them back
in the cupboard now?
They could be a fire hazard.
We're still working with them.
Nurse said to put them back
in the cupboard!
It's all right, Stuart.
But we're still working with them.
How low an IQ do you need for your job?
I could break you like a match,
you know that?
All right, nobody's gonna break
anyone else like a match.
Rosalie, do you want to come out now
before we end up with blood
all over the floor?
Rosalie, this is Linda Foster,
the psychiatric social worker.
She'd like to have a word.
(CAN ROLLING)
BOY: Hey, miss, are you a loony?
You shouldn't be out here
if you're a loony.
BOY 1: You should be locked up.
BOY 2: She smells like a fish!
Will you piss off?
Oi! Clear off, you wee bastards!
(BOYS TAUNTING IN SINGSONG VOICE)
- You okay?
- Aye, I'm fine.
I was just worried about McTavish.
- She's back?
- Aye.
And she's not just she, she's them.
Don't get too close.
You could frighten her
and she might run off, you see.
I found them yesterday.
They've only opened their eyes
for a wee bit yet.
Imagine that, eh?
Being born blind and knowing nothing
but a warm belly and the smell of milk.
She doesn't mind if I touch them.
She knows they're safe with me.
Francine, could I ask you a favour?
If you could get a pass,
would you go to a club with me
on Wednesday night?
That's the favour? Is that not a date?
Ah, not if the club in question is
the Lithuanian Club of Scotland.
Well, it's not that bad.
You'd have to kid on
you like Lithuanian music and that,
and folk talking about the old country
even though they were born
in Motherwell.
And...
You'd have to kid on
you were my girlfriend.
What?
My grandmother's going back to Lithuania
at the end of the month
and she wants
to be able to kid on to her friends
that I'm not a complete loser.
And I promised her.
Oh, listen, that's just
the most humiliating moment of my life.
What, asking me for a date?
Asking a woman to kid on
she's my girlfriend.
Then I'll kid on that well
you'd never guess it isn't true.
(SHAKIN'ALL OVER PLAYING)
You ready, boys? Eddie, you okay?
Fine.
Then let's do it.
Four, three, two, one, go.
This is Campbell Bain
and this is my alarm clock.
It's also a clue.
Dr Boogie has just 10 seconds to guess
our first number one hit.
The year is 1956.
(RINGING)
EDDIE AND CAMPBELL: #... the champions
# Because we are the champions
# We are the champions
# We are the champions
# We are the champions
# 'Cause we are the champions
# Of the world #
You got on okay, I take it?
CAMPBELL: Okay?
We practically set fire to the place!
Which explains the fire extinguisher.
And you'll never believe what happened.
They sectioned the both of youse.
Sectioned? You don't section a genius.
You say, "You did really well."
You say,
"Come see me on Thursday, Eddie."
(EXCLAIMS)
Because you know what I learnt today?
That the only difference between
lunacy and genius is timing.
Set off a fire extinguisher
in a shrink's office
and he'll have you locked up.
Do it in front of an audience
and it's high farce!
It's time to start making lists
full of the great things
you're gonna do, Rosalie.
Instead of "12 bottles
of disinfectant spray",
put "climb the highest mountain"!
Instead of "large box of scourers",
put "cross the deepest ocean".
Instead of "one case of Dettol"...
What the hell
are you planning here, Rosalie?
It's just my discharge.
When?
Friday. They found me a place
in a bed and breakfast.
- What about the supported accommodation?
- I'm still on the waiting list.
There used to be this bed and breakfast
in Bundoran
where Jim and me
used to take Robbie every summer.
It was all whitewashed
with wee brass ornaments in the hallway.
I don't suppose this place
will be like that, though.
You'll still be station manager.
You know that.
Aye. It's nice to belong somewhere.
Well, if it isn't Ready-Eddie McKenna,
star of Radio Loonyland.
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
You abandoned
your glittering radio career
to devote more time to your
corporate family here at Twinview.
Is this you away
to your meeting with the council?
Aye, as soon as Griffin gets here.
Griffin's always late, though.
Why, because you know what the essential
paradox of a sales manager is, eh?
He doesn't have to be on time,
but everybody else does.
Wrong. The essential paradox
of a sales manager is that
he can be a certifiable lunatic,
but we still have to call him "sir".
He can take a guy they wouldn't let
sell pencils for the blind
and give him the plummest sales lead
of the year.
- Give us a break, huh?
- Oh, any time.
Just tell me which arm.
I'm going to the bog.
You shitting yourself
in case Griffin doesn't turn up
and you've got to take
that meeting yourself?
No. I started pissing myself
at your broken arm joke.
MacAteer?
MacAteer! Open the door!
You stupid wankers. MacAteer!
LAVERY: Quick, the radio.
(RUN FOR YOUR LIFE PLAYING)
- Good afternoon, sir.
- What the hell is all that row?
Oh, Webster and Lavery
are just listening
for the new Twinview ad on Radio Clyde.
Good lads. Where is McKenna?
I don't know, sir. Should he be here?
Oh, for Christ's sake!
If you need some help with the tender,
I'd be happy to come along.
Right. Let's go.
I don't want to step on Eddie's toes,
but if I go, who gets the commission?
You do the tender,
you get the commission.
Griffin!
Griffin!
(BUS HORN HONKING)
Oh!
MAN: Sorry I'm late. Where's Mr McKenna?
- Well, I'm afraid he's...
- Right here.
- Ah, Mr McKenna.
- Where's your car?
I thought I'd take
the opportunity to use
the excellent public transport system
our regional council's responsible for.
Which doesn't always run on time,
I'm afraid.
Still, there's no excuse
for lateness, McKenna.
Right enough.
But I wanted to pop in
at the planning department
to check on the feasibility
of using aluminium over UPVC
on the access problem
in the rear elevation.
- Very helpful, by the way.
- Excellent. Excellent.
Aye.
- Well, thanks for your help, MacAteer.
- Anytime.
There isn't an access problem
in the rear elevation, is there?
They seem to think there is.
Oh, if you're going back to the office,
would you tell Jane
we're out of bog paper?
There's a really good film
we could catch tonight.
- Where?
- I don't know, somewhere, bound to be.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Aye. Let's go.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
How nice to see you.
You bad, bad boy.
You never come
to Lithuania Club any more.
- Francine, this is Mrs Prackhauskas.
- Delighted to meet you.
- This is my...
- Girlfriend. Francine Boyle.
Come. Come, we sit.
- Is that your grandmother?
- Aye.
Eddie! Oh! What's her name?
- Francine.
- Francine!
Oh, how happy I am to meet you again.
Lovely to see you again, Mrs Valiakoicz.
Oh, you pronounced that so well.
You speak some Lithuanian?
- No, I'm afraid not.
- Then we teach you.
You brought the crazy one?
It was either that or a blow-up doll.
I was afraid the doll might get drunk
and embarrass me.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
Oh, Eddie, she's wonderful!
And so pretty.
Well, maybe she's okay.
- Do you speak Lithuanian?
- I understand a bit.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
What are they talking about?
You don't wanna know.
How could you do this?
They're gonna find out.
I'm in Lithuania then,
only tonight matters.
They think we're getting married?
We teach you Lithuanian dance.
- Eddie, come.
- I cannae dance.
Dance! Dance! Dance!
Hands, take her hand.
FRANCINE: I didn't embarrass you, did I?
EDDIE: Embarrass me?
They were congratulating me all night
on finding such a lovely lassie
for a wife.
They wish us a long life
and many babies, by the way.
(FRANCINE GIGGLING)
Anyway, thanks.
- For what?
- You know, kidding on.
Thank you.
That was my first date in seven years.
I felt like Cinderella.
I was even pretty.
Francine, you are pretty.
You have terrific eyes.
Aye, but you only want to see my body.
(EDDIE CHUCKLES)
Don't tempt me, Francine.
No, it's so full of scars
from when I slash myself.
Then stop.
I'd still have the scars.
We've all got scars, Francine.
(BANGING, CHILDREN LAUGHING)
- What are they doing?
- It's just those kids.
No, no, leave them alone!
Please stop!
(McTAVISH MEOWS)
McTavish!
Don't go! Wait, don't go!
Please don't go!
(CRYING)
No!
No!
No! No!
They're not safe. They're not safe.
I'm not safe.
The boys have gone now, they've run off.
Not from them. From Uncle Frank.
He'll come for this.
They're not safe. Do you not see that?
We're not safe.
Well, well, if it isn't McKenna,
dead on time to pick up his tender.
Your punctuality is
definitely improving.
I'm not in the mood, MacAteer.
So, were you running in by car
or taking the opportunity to use
the excellent public transport system
our regional council is responsible for?
Just I heard
you had a puncture recently.
I didn't have a puncture, my tyre
was slashed. I had to buy a new one.
Is that right?
Well, it's getting to something
when you cannae park your car
in front of your own place of work
without some hooligan slashing the tyre.
Aye, and I wouldn't be surprised
if next time I find my tyres
have been slashed,
say, for instance,
when I'm out delivering my tender,
you find your bonnet's
got paint-stripper all over it.
He's like the school bully, you know.
Every time he comes in here,
I expect him
to take my dinner money off me.
- There's your tender, by the way.
- Thanks.
- You're not going home?
- No.
I was supposed to be going
to a hen party tonight,
but MacAteer wants this
Links Business System quotation
by tomorrow first thing.
Well, just go.
Look, first of all,
you cannae be expected to type this up.
Fours look like sixes,
the ones look like sevens.
He's been working on
this Links quotation for weeks.
He'd be absolutely furious with you.
Only way to handle a bully
is to stand up to him.
Well,
maybe I will go.
That's the spirit.
If I don't stay out late
and get in dead early tomorrow,
I can still finish it in time, eh?
Well, that's standing up to him?
That's keeping my job.
Can you lock up for me?
I still say his fours look like sixes.
(BLUE SUEDE SHOES PLAYING)
Campbell, I told you,
I'm just going to go and find out
what they thought of the pilot.
But what if they make us an offer
on the spot?
Then I'll take it on the spot.
On what terms?
We've got to be clear on this.
Aye, and I've written it all down
for you, so I have.
I've got to go!
Number one, "What exactly is on offer?"
Number two,
"Will there be a trial period?"
I'm telling you, Campbell, there's not
gonna be an offer at this meeting.
- Number three, "If so, for how long?"
- And do you have to wear that jacket?
- What's wrong with it?
- Number four,
"If there is a trial period,
"will the contract be non-exclusive
during that time?"
It makes you look like
a double glazing salesman.
Number five, "What will the format
of the show be?"
CAMPBELL: This could be it.
Look, there's nobody listening to me.
I took the trouble to make this list
and I don't want you to go
out of here without it, all right?
I'll treasure it always.
See you tonight.
Mr McKenna.
- That's Mr McKenna.
- All right.
Eddie.
You couldn't get us
a couple of coffees, could you, Fiona?
Sure.
Coffee, huh? Hmm.
- Sorry?
- It's Campbell's theory.
If they offer lunch, it's good news,
just coffee and it's bad.
I'm waiting for you to tell me
that's a really stupid theory.
I thought you'd be waiting to hear
how much we liked your pilot.
I am? I mean, you did?
We played it again at our meeting
with the head of entertainment
yesterday.
A couple of us felt it was a bit raw,
but that's part of its charm, really.
Aye, well, that's us, raw charm.
As I said, there isn't really anything
coming up at the moment.
But we did discuss the possibility
of trying you out.
Getting you to fill in for
one of our regular DJs on holiday
or at short notice.
How would you feel about that?
We'd...
We'd feel pretty great about that.
Yes. Although, there was
some discussion at the meeting...
This doesn't come from me,
I hasten to add.
But there were certain reservations
expressed about Campbell.
About Campbell?
I mean,
I know he's young and inexperienced,
but the kid's a natural.
He's got a gift.
He's also got a mental health problem.
I think there was some concern
that he might prove to be
unreliable.
The guy has practically created
the hospital station single-handed.
He just happens to be
a manic depressive.
He also happens to be
young, hungry and extremely talented.
As I said,
it's not my personal view, Eddie.
But we did wonder,
should a fill-in slot come up,
if you would consider
taking the show on your own?
No.
No, I wouldnae.
That's very loyal of you.
It's not loyalty.
He's funnier than me.
We'll be in touch.
Francine? Eddie's here.
(KITTEN MEOWING)
Okay.
I had to bring them in, Eddie.
McTavish didn't come back, and
they'd have froze through the night.
They weren't safe.
You cannae keep them here, Francine.
Not indefinitely.
I know. But I'll be getting out soon.
I've been really well, eh?
Aye. Aye, you have.
And most of the patients are in on it.
We've even soundproofed the locker.
I just wouldn't want anything
to happen to them.
Nothing's gonna happen
to these wee ones, Eddie.
They're safe.
Francine, who's Uncle Frank?
Nobody.
Just somebody who used to
hang about the house.
My Auntie Rose died of cancer
when I was too young to remember.
After Ma died, Uncle Frank used to
come round a lot to see my da.
He used to buy me
loads of presents and that.
On Saturdays, they'd play cards
and get absolutely steaming.
And Uncle Frank would stay over
and sleep on the settee.
Except one night.
He didn't sleep on the settee.
He slept with you.
I was nine years old.
Uncle Frank never slept
on the settee again.
I used to hide sometimes.
I'd kid on I was asleep.
I used to call out for my da.
I could hear him snoring.
But he never came to help me.
He was my da
and he should have kept me safe.
But he never seemed to notice.
Until you got pregnant.
He never believed me when I told him.
He called me a whore.
I was fifteen.
I messed myself when Jamie was born.
Midwife said loads of women do that.
I don't know.
But, see, when they gave me him
to hold, Eddie,
he was just that beautiful.
And I knew I had to let him go.
So that he could be safe.
(CRYING)
CAMPBELL: Dettol, scourer.
ROSALIE: Check. Check.
Toilet bleach.
Don't touch it, I'll get it. Check.
Toothbrush, toothpaste,
soap and hairbrush.
Check, check, check, check.
Well, I suppose this is cheerio.
Good luck, huh?
I want youse to notice
that I shook hands with you lot
without the use of major tranquillisers,
which just goes to show
how well I am these days.
Come on, I'm going to work.
I'll give you a lift in.
Come on, we'll get you settled in.
No, I don't want you to go in, Eddie.
See you soon, then.
McKenna, I want to talk to you
and I want to talk to you now.
- Aye, sir.
- And you know why I want to talk to you?
- Please don't make me...
- Guess.
- To sack me?
- Sack you?
Why would I want to sack
the best damn salesman
the Strathclyde region
of Twinview Windows has ever had?
This man is the best damn salesman
the Strathclyde region
of Twinview Windows has ever had.
Today, the district council
accepted our tender
for ?35,000 worth of windows now
and ?86,000 worth in the new year. Hmm?
# For he's a jolly good fellow
Sing.
ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us #
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Speech, huh? Speech.
- No.
- Make a speech, damn it.
Um...
Well, I'd just like to thank everybody
who helped with the tender.
- Especially Mr Griffin.
- Especially Mr Griffin.
Who did all the work.
Checked and double-checked everything
while you did exactly what, McKenna?
MacAteer, if anyone needs to have
their work checked
and double-checked, it's you.
I have just had Links Business Systems
of Paisley on the phone to me
complaining very loudly
about your quotation
being 35?% higher than your estimate.
- That's rubbish.
- I checked it myself.
Good God, man,
even the sums don't add up.
These are not my figures.
What were you on when you typed this up?
Don't try and blame the lassie.
I typed up exactly what you wrote.
You've just become
too damn cocky, MacAteer!
Someone's been tampering
with my figures.
So I told him we're going to send
our top salesman to do a new quotation
and this time, by God,
it'll tally with the estimate.
What about it, McKenna?
Eddie, Jesus, where have you been?
- Working. What's up?
- How did you not tell me about this?
- How'd you not warn me?
- About what?
Paula has been on the phone to me today.
Oh.
She seemed to think I knew all about it.
"Aye," I said, "He told me
all about your meeting."
But it seems, there was
a few wee details you left out.
- I'm sorry, I...
- I know what you thought.
You thought I'd just get agitated.
I'm a manic depressive, so how not?
- That's not what I thought.
- But did you never stop to consider
that one day, a fish bone might
get stuck in the throat of history,
and that we'd be standing here,
like we are now,
at the door of destiny
and totally unprepared for it?
What are you talking about?
The fish bone, the one that got stuck
in David Thompson's throat.
- Who?
- Their Sunday afternoon DJ.
He got a fish bone stuck in his throat
last night, was rushed to casualty,
and they've asked us to take
his Gold Show today.
- I'm not ready.
- Neither am I, but we have to go for it.
No. No, I'm really not ready.
Paula said we could use David's
running order,
but if we leave now,
we can choose some stuff ourselves.
I'm not ready.
She said she'll be there
to take us through everything.
And you don't have to worry about here.
Francine's gonna be taking our show
straight off the air.
I'm not ready, Campbell.
Eddie, you've been waiting
for this moment most of your life.
When exactly did you think
you'd be ready?
Now, let's go.
(GULPS)
You're ready.
Eddie, come on.
(GETREADYPLAYING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Evening.
- Hiya.
Hi.
Kicking off The Gold Show
and standing in for David Thompson
is me, Campbell Bain, and Dr Boogie,
professor of pop, soul,
and rock and roll.
In today's competition,
we invite you to pit your wits
against the master of hits himself.
If you can ask me any verifiable
question on any of the titles
that we play today that I cannae answer,
you win the grand prize!
"What is the grand prize?" you ask.
I'm holding in my hand a rare copy
of Mandolins in the Moonlight
by Perry Como from 1958.
And unless you can stump Dr Boogie,
we're actually going to play it!
How about it, gold diggers? Just phone
0413579719 to try and stop me!
(DON'TPLAY THATSONG PLAYING)
And, no, caller. I'm afraid Jim Morrison
couldn't have written
Bright Side of the Road...
Because he was dead at the time,
right, Dr Boogie?
Aye, a definite liability,
but it did give Van Morrison
a chance to write it instead.
Is that the BBC?
Well, unless you can prove that
Wilson Pickett had
a boa constrictor called Hugo,
I'm going to have to disqualify that.
And it's become one of
the most covered songs in rock and roll
since Elvis' death.
Aye. 1977. It was in all the papers.
And it's 3:47.
Still 13 minutes left
to try and stump Dr Boogie,
if you can.
(KITTEN MEOWING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Friends! Loonies.
As Neil Armstrong said
on that fateful day
when he first put his foot on the moon,
"We are loonies, and we are proud!"
ALL: We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
- We are loonies, and we are proud!
- No!
No! Leave them alone! Stop!
You can't take them! No!
You cannae take them!
- Easy!
- You can't take... You cannae take them!
You can't take them! Please don't!
- Let go, will ya? Let go!
- No! No!
- Let her go!
- No!
Please!
I've waited ages to do this.
FRANCINE: No! Please don't go! No!
Let me go!
Do you want me to do something for that?
Do you realise what you've done?
Does nobody realise what they've done?
(TRYA LITTLE TENDERNESS PLAYING)
Ah...
We can go on back to the house
with the others.
His da invited us.
Did he, hell.
An invitation is when you say,
"Would you like to come back
to the house for a wee whisky?"
Not "I suppose you can come back
to the house if you want."
I mean, who were all those folk?
Rental mourners?
Never saw any of them come to visit
Fergus in hospital.
Fair enough.
And that minister,
don't think he'd even met the guy.
Talking about the tragic death
of a young man of only 30 years.
Fergus was 27!
He had us up to sing
Fergus' favourite hymn!
Fergus was a raving,
card-carrying atheist!
And that bit about the terrible illness
that eventually killed him.
Fergus didn't have cancer!
He was a loony!
A bam! Crazy, mental, out-to-lunch,
of another planet!
You are pished, my friend.
That's rich coming for you.
Aye, but I'm not an amateur.
He was a genius.
He could've done anything.
Aye, so he could.
(RAINYNIGHTIN GEORGIA PLAYING)
- Who the hell are you?
- I could ask you the same thing.
I'm the guy who owns that record.
Some collector.
That's an original Brook Benton version
from 1968.
1969. How did you get in here?
Nobody's supposed to be here
except authorised staff.
I'm the electrician.
- Right. That's it.
- What?
- They don't go on like that.
- They do tonight.
What are you on, pal?
- Eddie! Eddie!
- Daft bastard!
- What's the problem?
- What's the problem?
- Why is he not sedated?
- He's not a patient!
Well, he should be.
It doesn't matter to Fergus now.
You're only storing up trouble
for yourself.
Aye. Well, it's easily done round here!
EDDIE: You waiting on McTavish?
FRANCINE: Aye. I haven't seen him...
her in a couple of days.
I hear you and Campbell are doing
a pilot programme for Radio Scotland.
Aye, we record it Monday.
- It's exciting though, eh?
- I try not to think of it.
- You don't need that, Eddie.
- I do. I'm going to a sales meeting.
- That stuff could take over, you know.
- Already has taken over.
Without my wee friend here,
I couldn't do it.
First time I got pished, I was 15.
This teacher was gonna make us
memorise a poem
and stand up and recite it
in front of the class.
- You didn't want to do it.
- No, I wanted to do it, but...
I knew the poem, but every time
I tried to recite it, I'd forget bits.
I was that terrified
when the day finally came,
my pal Colin and I had
a couple of cans behind the bike shed
to steady our nerves.
And it changed everything.
I had my nerve back.
When I stood up in front of that class
that afternoon, it was brilliant.
- You remembered the poem?
- Of course not.
No, I was that desperate.
I started throwing in things like,
"Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a duck.
"She put them on the mantelpiece
to see if they'd fall off."
Except the teacher never let me
get to the punch line.
But the point...
The point is that I didn't care.
I could suddenly do anything,
no matter how humiliating, and not care.
I was free.
You'll not take
your wee friend on Monday?
Cannae promise.
But who knows, you might like
my version of Mary Had a Little Lamb.
ALL: Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell!
And in closing,
salesman and salesladies of the month,
I want to bring your attention
to this month's issue of The Glazier.
It has some
pretty disturbing news in it.
It says here that Britain
is presently experiencing a recession.
That householders and businesses
are saying, "No, I can't afford it.
"It's not the time to be fitting
new windows to our homes
"and our shops and our offices."
Well, do you know what I say to that?
- Lavery?
- Work harder.
Are you not already working harder?
Remind me to sack you.
- Webster?
- Sell! Sell! Sell!
- No, we've done that. MacAteer?
- Balls and poppycock.
Balls and poppycock.
That's what I say, by God,
and so does John MacAteer.
And I'm proud to tell you that
this afternoon,
he came to tell me that,
after walking in cold
to the Links Business Systems building
in Paisley,
and after six gruelling weeks
of sales presentations,
the company have asked him
for a quotation
for a full set of replacement windows!
(ALL CHEERING)
Is there... Is there a recession on?
ALL: No!
Then get out there and sell Twinview!
(ALL CHEERING)
You were late. If I'd been a customer,
you'd have lost your sale.
Sorry.
Do you know what the essential paradox
of being a salesman is?
Do I have to guess?
Take as much time as you need
to close a sale,
but don't be late for your next one.
That's the essential paradox
of being a salesman.
A very wise man told me that,
our National Sales Director.
So remember it, and don't be late again.
Don't mind him. He's been
telling that story for eight years
and he still doesn't know
what "paradox" means.
So, I hear you're doing
the big district council tender.
Aye, I've got a meeting on Tuesday.
MacATEER: I was looking at the plans.
This one should be worth at least 35k.
It's a fair old commission at 10?%,
eh, McKenna?
And I hear Griffin's going along
to hold your hand.
I thought we might need
to negotiate a wee bit.
So Griffin's made the contact
at the council, got you the plans,
and is going along with you
and negotiate the tender.
What exactly are you gonna be
contributing to the deal?
It's my tape measure.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Grandma, what...
Jesus! What are you doing?
Don't take God's name in vain,
he'll punish you.
But what are you doing?
Tomorrow I make jumble sale.
I raise much money to go to Lithuania.
By selling Granddad's hat stand?
He has no need of hats. He's dead.
Why are you doing this?
Because I need ?3,000
and you don't give!
You cannae go to Lithuania
in the dead of winter.
You will freeze and you will starve!
So it'll be like old times, then!
It willnae be like old times.
You'll die of hypothermia.
That is not so bad.
Being shot by the SS, that is bad.
So you're really gonna go?
I want to die with my own people, Eddie!
This is the only thing I ask.
I'll see what I can do.
And that you come
to Lithuanian Club next week, too.
- Okay.
- And that you bring beautiful wife
with you so everybody tells me
you're a lucky guy. Three things I ask.
- Grandma, I don't have a wife.
- You have till next Wednesday.
I'm not gonna find a wife
by next Wednesday.
Then bring your intended one.
I don't have an intended one.
You cannot do this for me?
The last thing I ask of you
before I die?
Grandma, I don't have a wife
and I don't have an intended one.
What do you want me to do?
Okay. Bring girlfriend.
(DREAM LOVER PLAYING)
Freeze! Don't look.
What was the name of that record?
- Dream Lover.
- Which was in the British charts for?
- Nineteen weeks.
- In?
- 1959.
- See? I told you he could do it.
- Did I not tell you?
- He is a genius, so he is.
- You're still here?
- Oh, aye.
If they want to get rid of me,
they'll have to catch me first.
Rosalie's got us all organised
for the pilot tomorrow, Eddie.
It's gonna be brilliant. And I have
just come up with the perfect angle.
- Which is?
- We are gonna be playing
a number one hit for every year
from 1956 to 1970, aye?
And I've got a list here
of every number one hit
in every one of those years, Eddie.
So at the end of the hour,
we invite our listeners to phone in
and pit their wits
against the master of hits,
- Dr Boogie!
- Who's Dr Boogie?
You! That's the angle!
So if they can ask a question about
any of the hits we've played
that you cannae answer,
they win a major prize.
He's a genius.
Campbell, this is
a recording we're doing.
The only folk who're
gonna be listening are Paula
and a couple of bored guys
on their dinner break.
Then we'll get them to phone in.
What's the major prize?
We just kid on there's a prize,
so it can be anything we want.
A trip to Graceland by time machine
to meet Elvis.
Lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury.
I don't have to conform to
the vagaries of time and space.
I'm a loony, for God's sake.
Look, a full moon!
(HOWLING)
EDDIE: I thought you wanted to
keep quiet about that.
They're not going to do to me
what they did to Fergus, Eddie.
Nobody's gonna find me
in a heap on the pavement.
I'm gonna flaunt it.
I'm gonna exploit it for all it's worth
because we are loonies and we are proud!
We are loonies and we are proud!
We are loonies and we are proud!
Social worker, quick! Social worker!
ROSALIE: I shouldn't have
tidied the boxes.
Have you seen Rosalie?
The social worker's here.
She's not been in tonight.
She came in at 7:30. I saw her.
- Well, she's not here now.
- Are you calling me a liar?
No, Stuart, I'm calling you stupid.
Eddie, what are those boxes doing out?
Um...
Campbell and I have been doing
some organising.
Well, could you put them back
in the cupboard now?
They could be a fire hazard.
We're still working with them.
Nurse said to put them back
in the cupboard!
It's all right, Stuart.
But we're still working with them.
How low an IQ do you need for your job?
I could break you like a match,
you know that?
All right, nobody's gonna break
anyone else like a match.
Rosalie, do you want to come out now
before we end up with blood
all over the floor?
Rosalie, this is Linda Foster,
the psychiatric social worker.
She'd like to have a word.
(CAN ROLLING)
BOY: Hey, miss, are you a loony?
You shouldn't be out here
if you're a loony.
BOY 1: You should be locked up.
BOY 2: She smells like a fish!
Will you piss off?
Oi! Clear off, you wee bastards!
(BOYS TAUNTING IN SINGSONG VOICE)
- You okay?
- Aye, I'm fine.
I was just worried about McTavish.
- She's back?
- Aye.
And she's not just she, she's them.
Don't get too close.
You could frighten her
and she might run off, you see.
I found them yesterday.
They've only opened their eyes
for a wee bit yet.
Imagine that, eh?
Being born blind and knowing nothing
but a warm belly and the smell of milk.
She doesn't mind if I touch them.
She knows they're safe with me.
Francine, could I ask you a favour?
If you could get a pass,
would you go to a club with me
on Wednesday night?
That's the favour? Is that not a date?
Ah, not if the club in question is
the Lithuanian Club of Scotland.
Well, it's not that bad.
You'd have to kid on
you like Lithuanian music and that,
and folk talking about the old country
even though they were born
in Motherwell.
And...
You'd have to kid on
you were my girlfriend.
What?
My grandmother's going back to Lithuania
at the end of the month
and she wants
to be able to kid on to her friends
that I'm not a complete loser.
And I promised her.
Oh, listen, that's just
the most humiliating moment of my life.
What, asking me for a date?
Asking a woman to kid on
she's my girlfriend.
Then I'll kid on that well
you'd never guess it isn't true.
(SHAKIN'ALL OVER PLAYING)
You ready, boys? Eddie, you okay?
Fine.
Then let's do it.
Four, three, two, one, go.
This is Campbell Bain
and this is my alarm clock.
It's also a clue.
Dr Boogie has just 10 seconds to guess
our first number one hit.
The year is 1956.
(RINGING)
EDDIE AND CAMPBELL: #... the champions
# Because we are the champions
# We are the champions
# We are the champions
# We are the champions
# 'Cause we are the champions
# Of the world #
You got on okay, I take it?
CAMPBELL: Okay?
We practically set fire to the place!
Which explains the fire extinguisher.
And you'll never believe what happened.
They sectioned the both of youse.
Sectioned? You don't section a genius.
You say, "You did really well."
You say,
"Come see me on Thursday, Eddie."
(EXCLAIMS)
Because you know what I learnt today?
That the only difference between
lunacy and genius is timing.
Set off a fire extinguisher
in a shrink's office
and he'll have you locked up.
Do it in front of an audience
and it's high farce!
It's time to start making lists
full of the great things
you're gonna do, Rosalie.
Instead of "12 bottles
of disinfectant spray",
put "climb the highest mountain"!
Instead of "large box of scourers",
put "cross the deepest ocean".
Instead of "one case of Dettol"...
What the hell
are you planning here, Rosalie?
It's just my discharge.
When?
Friday. They found me a place
in a bed and breakfast.
- What about the supported accommodation?
- I'm still on the waiting list.
There used to be this bed and breakfast
in Bundoran
where Jim and me
used to take Robbie every summer.
It was all whitewashed
with wee brass ornaments in the hallway.
I don't suppose this place
will be like that, though.
You'll still be station manager.
You know that.
Aye. It's nice to belong somewhere.
Well, if it isn't Ready-Eddie McKenna,
star of Radio Loonyland.
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
You abandoned
your glittering radio career
to devote more time to your
corporate family here at Twinview.
Is this you away
to your meeting with the council?
Aye, as soon as Griffin gets here.
Griffin's always late, though.
Why, because you know what the essential
paradox of a sales manager is, eh?
He doesn't have to be on time,
but everybody else does.
Wrong. The essential paradox
of a sales manager is that
he can be a certifiable lunatic,
but we still have to call him "sir".
He can take a guy they wouldn't let
sell pencils for the blind
and give him the plummest sales lead
of the year.
- Give us a break, huh?
- Oh, any time.
Just tell me which arm.
I'm going to the bog.
You shitting yourself
in case Griffin doesn't turn up
and you've got to take
that meeting yourself?
No. I started pissing myself
at your broken arm joke.
MacAteer?
MacAteer! Open the door!
You stupid wankers. MacAteer!
LAVERY: Quick, the radio.
(RUN FOR YOUR LIFE PLAYING)
- Good afternoon, sir.
- What the hell is all that row?
Oh, Webster and Lavery
are just listening
for the new Twinview ad on Radio Clyde.
Good lads. Where is McKenna?
I don't know, sir. Should he be here?
Oh, for Christ's sake!
If you need some help with the tender,
I'd be happy to come along.
Right. Let's go.
I don't want to step on Eddie's toes,
but if I go, who gets the commission?
You do the tender,
you get the commission.
Griffin!
Griffin!
(BUS HORN HONKING)
Oh!
MAN: Sorry I'm late. Where's Mr McKenna?
- Well, I'm afraid he's...
- Right here.
- Ah, Mr McKenna.
- Where's your car?
I thought I'd take
the opportunity to use
the excellent public transport system
our regional council's responsible for.
Which doesn't always run on time,
I'm afraid.
Still, there's no excuse
for lateness, McKenna.
Right enough.
But I wanted to pop in
at the planning department
to check on the feasibility
of using aluminium over UPVC
on the access problem
in the rear elevation.
- Very helpful, by the way.
- Excellent. Excellent.
Aye.
- Well, thanks for your help, MacAteer.
- Anytime.
There isn't an access problem
in the rear elevation, is there?
They seem to think there is.
Oh, if you're going back to the office,
would you tell Jane
we're out of bog paper?
There's a really good film
we could catch tonight.
- Where?
- I don't know, somewhere, bound to be.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Aye. Let's go.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
How nice to see you.
You bad, bad boy.
You never come
to Lithuania Club any more.
- Francine, this is Mrs Prackhauskas.
- Delighted to meet you.
- This is my...
- Girlfriend. Francine Boyle.
Come. Come, we sit.
- Is that your grandmother?
- Aye.
Eddie! Oh! What's her name?
- Francine.
- Francine!
Oh, how happy I am to meet you again.
Lovely to see you again, Mrs Valiakoicz.
Oh, you pronounced that so well.
You speak some Lithuanian?
- No, I'm afraid not.
- Then we teach you.
You brought the crazy one?
It was either that or a blow-up doll.
I was afraid the doll might get drunk
and embarrass me.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
Oh, Eddie, she's wonderful!
And so pretty.
Well, maybe she's okay.
- Do you speak Lithuanian?
- I understand a bit.
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)
What are they talking about?
You don't wanna know.
How could you do this?
They're gonna find out.
I'm in Lithuania then,
only tonight matters.
They think we're getting married?
We teach you Lithuanian dance.
- Eddie, come.
- I cannae dance.
Dance! Dance! Dance!
Hands, take her hand.
FRANCINE: I didn't embarrass you, did I?
EDDIE: Embarrass me?
They were congratulating me all night
on finding such a lovely lassie
for a wife.
They wish us a long life
and many babies, by the way.
(FRANCINE GIGGLING)
Anyway, thanks.
- For what?
- You know, kidding on.
Thank you.
That was my first date in seven years.
I felt like Cinderella.
I was even pretty.
Francine, you are pretty.
You have terrific eyes.
Aye, but you only want to see my body.
(EDDIE CHUCKLES)
Don't tempt me, Francine.
No, it's so full of scars
from when I slash myself.
Then stop.
I'd still have the scars.
We've all got scars, Francine.
(BANGING, CHILDREN LAUGHING)
- What are they doing?
- It's just those kids.
No, no, leave them alone!
Please stop!
(McTAVISH MEOWS)
McTavish!
Don't go! Wait, don't go!
Please don't go!
(CRYING)
No!
No!
No! No!
They're not safe. They're not safe.
I'm not safe.
The boys have gone now, they've run off.
Not from them. From Uncle Frank.
He'll come for this.
They're not safe. Do you not see that?
We're not safe.
Well, well, if it isn't McKenna,
dead on time to pick up his tender.
Your punctuality is
definitely improving.
I'm not in the mood, MacAteer.
So, were you running in by car
or taking the opportunity to use
the excellent public transport system
our regional council is responsible for?
Just I heard
you had a puncture recently.
I didn't have a puncture, my tyre
was slashed. I had to buy a new one.
Is that right?
Well, it's getting to something
when you cannae park your car
in front of your own place of work
without some hooligan slashing the tyre.
Aye, and I wouldn't be surprised
if next time I find my tyres
have been slashed,
say, for instance,
when I'm out delivering my tender,
you find your bonnet's
got paint-stripper all over it.
He's like the school bully, you know.
Every time he comes in here,
I expect him
to take my dinner money off me.
- There's your tender, by the way.
- Thanks.
- You're not going home?
- No.
I was supposed to be going
to a hen party tonight,
but MacAteer wants this
Links Business System quotation
by tomorrow first thing.
Well, just go.
Look, first of all,
you cannae be expected to type this up.
Fours look like sixes,
the ones look like sevens.
He's been working on
this Links quotation for weeks.
He'd be absolutely furious with you.
Only way to handle a bully
is to stand up to him.
Well,
maybe I will go.
That's the spirit.
If I don't stay out late
and get in dead early tomorrow,
I can still finish it in time, eh?
Well, that's standing up to him?
That's keeping my job.
Can you lock up for me?
I still say his fours look like sixes.
(BLUE SUEDE SHOES PLAYING)
Campbell, I told you,
I'm just going to go and find out
what they thought of the pilot.
But what if they make us an offer
on the spot?
Then I'll take it on the spot.
On what terms?
We've got to be clear on this.
Aye, and I've written it all down
for you, so I have.
I've got to go!
Number one, "What exactly is on offer?"
Number two,
"Will there be a trial period?"
I'm telling you, Campbell, there's not
gonna be an offer at this meeting.
- Number three, "If so, for how long?"
- And do you have to wear that jacket?
- What's wrong with it?
- Number four,
"If there is a trial period,
"will the contract be non-exclusive
during that time?"
It makes you look like
a double glazing salesman.
Number five, "What will the format
of the show be?"
CAMPBELL: This could be it.
Look, there's nobody listening to me.
I took the trouble to make this list
and I don't want you to go
out of here without it, all right?
I'll treasure it always.
See you tonight.
Mr McKenna.
- That's Mr McKenna.
- All right.
Eddie.
You couldn't get us
a couple of coffees, could you, Fiona?
Sure.
Coffee, huh? Hmm.
- Sorry?
- It's Campbell's theory.
If they offer lunch, it's good news,
just coffee and it's bad.
I'm waiting for you to tell me
that's a really stupid theory.
I thought you'd be waiting to hear
how much we liked your pilot.
I am? I mean, you did?
We played it again at our meeting
with the head of entertainment
yesterday.
A couple of us felt it was a bit raw,
but that's part of its charm, really.
Aye, well, that's us, raw charm.
As I said, there isn't really anything
coming up at the moment.
But we did discuss the possibility
of trying you out.
Getting you to fill in for
one of our regular DJs on holiday
or at short notice.
How would you feel about that?
We'd...
We'd feel pretty great about that.
Yes. Although, there was
some discussion at the meeting...
This doesn't come from me,
I hasten to add.
But there were certain reservations
expressed about Campbell.
About Campbell?
I mean,
I know he's young and inexperienced,
but the kid's a natural.
He's got a gift.
He's also got a mental health problem.
I think there was some concern
that he might prove to be
unreliable.
The guy has practically created
the hospital station single-handed.
He just happens to be
a manic depressive.
He also happens to be
young, hungry and extremely talented.
As I said,
it's not my personal view, Eddie.
But we did wonder,
should a fill-in slot come up,
if you would consider
taking the show on your own?
No.
No, I wouldnae.
That's very loyal of you.
It's not loyalty.
He's funnier than me.
We'll be in touch.
Francine? Eddie's here.
(KITTEN MEOWING)
Okay.
I had to bring them in, Eddie.
McTavish didn't come back, and
they'd have froze through the night.
They weren't safe.
You cannae keep them here, Francine.
Not indefinitely.
I know. But I'll be getting out soon.
I've been really well, eh?
Aye. Aye, you have.
And most of the patients are in on it.
We've even soundproofed the locker.
I just wouldn't want anything
to happen to them.
Nothing's gonna happen
to these wee ones, Eddie.
They're safe.
Francine, who's Uncle Frank?
Nobody.
Just somebody who used to
hang about the house.
My Auntie Rose died of cancer
when I was too young to remember.
After Ma died, Uncle Frank used to
come round a lot to see my da.
He used to buy me
loads of presents and that.
On Saturdays, they'd play cards
and get absolutely steaming.
And Uncle Frank would stay over
and sleep on the settee.
Except one night.
He didn't sleep on the settee.
He slept with you.
I was nine years old.
Uncle Frank never slept
on the settee again.
I used to hide sometimes.
I'd kid on I was asleep.
I used to call out for my da.
I could hear him snoring.
But he never came to help me.
He was my da
and he should have kept me safe.
But he never seemed to notice.
Until you got pregnant.
He never believed me when I told him.
He called me a whore.
I was fifteen.
I messed myself when Jamie was born.
Midwife said loads of women do that.
I don't know.
But, see, when they gave me him
to hold, Eddie,
he was just that beautiful.
And I knew I had to let him go.
So that he could be safe.
(CRYING)
CAMPBELL: Dettol, scourer.
ROSALIE: Check. Check.
Toilet bleach.
Don't touch it, I'll get it. Check.
Toothbrush, toothpaste,
soap and hairbrush.
Check, check, check, check.
Well, I suppose this is cheerio.
Good luck, huh?
I want youse to notice
that I shook hands with you lot
without the use of major tranquillisers,
which just goes to show
how well I am these days.
Come on, I'm going to work.
I'll give you a lift in.
Come on, we'll get you settled in.
No, I don't want you to go in, Eddie.
See you soon, then.
McKenna, I want to talk to you
and I want to talk to you now.
- Aye, sir.
- And you know why I want to talk to you?
- Please don't make me...
- Guess.
- To sack me?
- Sack you?
Why would I want to sack
the best damn salesman
the Strathclyde region
of Twinview Windows has ever had?
This man is the best damn salesman
the Strathclyde region
of Twinview Windows has ever had.
Today, the district council
accepted our tender
for ?35,000 worth of windows now
and ?86,000 worth in the new year. Hmm?
# For he's a jolly good fellow
Sing.
ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us #
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Speech, huh? Speech.
- No.
- Make a speech, damn it.
Um...
Well, I'd just like to thank everybody
who helped with the tender.
- Especially Mr Griffin.
- Especially Mr Griffin.
Who did all the work.
Checked and double-checked everything
while you did exactly what, McKenna?
MacAteer, if anyone needs to have
their work checked
and double-checked, it's you.
I have just had Links Business Systems
of Paisley on the phone to me
complaining very loudly
about your quotation
being 35?% higher than your estimate.
- That's rubbish.
- I checked it myself.
Good God, man,
even the sums don't add up.
These are not my figures.
What were you on when you typed this up?
Don't try and blame the lassie.
I typed up exactly what you wrote.
You've just become
too damn cocky, MacAteer!
Someone's been tampering
with my figures.
So I told him we're going to send
our top salesman to do a new quotation
and this time, by God,
it'll tally with the estimate.
What about it, McKenna?
Eddie, Jesus, where have you been?
- Working. What's up?
- How did you not tell me about this?
- How'd you not warn me?
- About what?
Paula has been on the phone to me today.
Oh.
She seemed to think I knew all about it.
"Aye," I said, "He told me
all about your meeting."
But it seems, there was
a few wee details you left out.
- I'm sorry, I...
- I know what you thought.
You thought I'd just get agitated.
I'm a manic depressive, so how not?
- That's not what I thought.
- But did you never stop to consider
that one day, a fish bone might
get stuck in the throat of history,
and that we'd be standing here,
like we are now,
at the door of destiny
and totally unprepared for it?
What are you talking about?
The fish bone, the one that got stuck
in David Thompson's throat.
- Who?
- Their Sunday afternoon DJ.
He got a fish bone stuck in his throat
last night, was rushed to casualty,
and they've asked us to take
his Gold Show today.
- I'm not ready.
- Neither am I, but we have to go for it.
No. No, I'm really not ready.
Paula said we could use David's
running order,
but if we leave now,
we can choose some stuff ourselves.
I'm not ready.
She said she'll be there
to take us through everything.
And you don't have to worry about here.
Francine's gonna be taking our show
straight off the air.
I'm not ready, Campbell.
Eddie, you've been waiting
for this moment most of your life.
When exactly did you think
you'd be ready?
Now, let's go.
(GULPS)
You're ready.
Eddie, come on.
(GETREADYPLAYING)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Evening.
- Hiya.
Hi.
Kicking off The Gold Show
and standing in for David Thompson
is me, Campbell Bain, and Dr Boogie,
professor of pop, soul,
and rock and roll.
In today's competition,
we invite you to pit your wits
against the master of hits himself.
If you can ask me any verifiable
question on any of the titles
that we play today that I cannae answer,
you win the grand prize!
"What is the grand prize?" you ask.
I'm holding in my hand a rare copy
of Mandolins in the Moonlight
by Perry Como from 1958.
And unless you can stump Dr Boogie,
we're actually going to play it!
How about it, gold diggers? Just phone
0413579719 to try and stop me!
(DON'TPLAY THATSONG PLAYING)
And, no, caller. I'm afraid Jim Morrison
couldn't have written
Bright Side of the Road...
Because he was dead at the time,
right, Dr Boogie?
Aye, a definite liability,
but it did give Van Morrison
a chance to write it instead.
Is that the BBC?
Well, unless you can prove that
Wilson Pickett had
a boa constrictor called Hugo,
I'm going to have to disqualify that.
And it's become one of
the most covered songs in rock and roll
since Elvis' death.
Aye. 1977. It was in all the papers.
And it's 3:47.
Still 13 minutes left
to try and stump Dr Boogie,
if you can.
(KITTEN MEOWING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Friends! Loonies.
As Neil Armstrong said
on that fateful day
when he first put his foot on the moon,
"We are loonies, and we are proud!"
ALL: We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
We are loonies, and we are proud!
- We are loonies, and we are proud!
- No!
No! Leave them alone! Stop!
You can't take them! No!
You cannae take them!
- Easy!
- You can't take... You cannae take them!
You can't take them! Please don't!
- Let go, will ya? Let go!
- No! No!
- Let her go!
- No!
Please!
I've waited ages to do this.
FRANCINE: No! Please don't go! No!
Let me go!
Do you want me to do something for that?
Do you realise what you've done?
Does nobody realise what they've done?
(TRYA LITTLE TENDERNESS PLAYING)
Ah...