Tacoma FD (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Eddie's Exes - full transcript
What's this?
Oh, it's the new
smoldering firefighter drama,
"Pamona FD."
What do you guys
watch the shows?
All you do sit around
and complain.
That air packs from the '90s.
Yeah, right.
Don't they have
a technical
consultant on this show?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Retired firefighter,
rents, like,
a Mustang Convertible.
Thinks he's hot shit.
Probably related
to one of the creators
of the show.
Probs.
Yeah, probably.
It's not even a real fire.
Look how much makeup
that girl's wearing.
How come I can't get the suit
to highlight my cheekbones
like that?
There he is taking
the shirt off again.
And now they're making out
in the middle of a fire.
Why do they think that life
in a fire station
is like a soap opera?
It's so unrealistic.
♪ ♪
Guys...she's here.
Who is?
You're gonna wanna come
see for yourself.
Trust me.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ ♪
There she is, boys,
the Pedalton 3.0.
Finally, cardio
that doesn't suck.
That's their tagline.
It's on the box.
Wait, 1500 bucks
from Bulkshop?
Why would you get anything
from Bulkshop?
Because they have
great prices.
No. Bulkshop sucks.
Yeesh.
Whoa, damn.
Why does he
hate Bulkshop so much?
I know, right?
Ooh, the Pedalton 3.0
has everything, man.
Prerecorded classes, live
classes, and special events.
Ooh, I feel bad
for the suckers
who bought the Pedalton 2.0.
Suckers.
Suckers.
Oh, wait,
when does the 4.0 come out?
Next month. But until then,
this is top of the line.
Ooh!
Awesome!
Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Step aside, Bozo.
I'm taking her
on her maiden voyage.
I call next.
All right.
Yes.
I'll bet you wish
you got next.
Not really.
Hi, I'm Anita Worthy,
and I'm gonna get you going
on your new Pedalton.
Hello, Anita.
You might be tempted
to talk to me,
but this is a pre
recorded workout
so I cannot hear you
or respond.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
I won't--
Oh, you can't hear that,
either.
What am I doing?
Stop it, Ike.
Sorry, Anita. Shit!
You can't hear that.
All right, gang. Let's go!
all: Whoo!
♪ ♪
Hey, I got awesome news.
You know how the city's been
trying to buy my house
so they can build
a new hospital?
Well, I've been holding it up
for a year,
and they finally made an offer.
A million bucks.
Hey, did you hear what I said?
The city wants to give me
a million bucks for my house.
Okay.
What are you talking about?
What's going on with you?
Vicky's pissed at me.
We were binge watching a show
together on Hulu.
Mm.
I watched the last
five episodes without her.
Big mistake. What show?
It's a show about the Irish
couple, Jenny and John O'Cake.
They join the Peace Corps
and solve crimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Peace O'Cake."
Great show.
So good.
Great show.
They planted a potato farm
in an African village.
That's the best part
of the season right there.
Then someone stole
the potatoes.
And that's all
in the first episode.
They solved it, though.
Yeah, of course.
You wanna know why?
Why?
It was a Piece O'Cake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's so good.
Oh, it was so good.
Yeah. Well, I don't
blame her, you know,
when you exchanged
those marital vows
with my sister,
you swore an oath of fidelity.
They didn't have binge
cheating back then.
Eh.
All right, so what's
this thing with the city?
They're offering me
a million bucks for my house.
That should curb
your reckless
and irresponsible ways.
Probably not.
Ahh!
Now as punishment,
she's gonna binge watch
"Mental Dental" without me.
Ohh, boy.
That's that show about the
dentists in the insane asylum.
Good show.
Jake G-g-gyllenhaal.
Oh, Gyllellenhaal is great
in that show.
He plays the dentist,
Dr. Frederick Mental, DDS.
Tell you what, thought,
that's not the best
of the dentist shows.
The best show is the one
about the girl in 1904 Poland,
who becomes a boy so she could
be a dentist--
"Yentl Dentle."
Ohh.
Ronda Rousey's
excellent in that.
She's so good.
She's so good.
That second number she sings.
Ah.
That one's great.
I watched that one
without Vicky,
she got mad about that too.
Well, that's married life
for you,
and I miss it
exactly zero much.
Well, that's twice as much as
I miss being married to you.
Oh, my God, Felicity,
Long time, no see.
Wow, Felicity,
you look...different.
After we got divorced,
I became an ordained
Wiccan minister.
So you split with your wife,
and you drove her
to the dark arts.
Oh, stick a sock in, Terry.
I can put a hex on you so fast
it'll make your
head spin--literally.
Eddie, Sal Green is dead.
Sal Green,
our divorce lawyer?
Yes and no.
On his deathbed he confessed
he was never
a licensed attorney.
He was a fraud.
So what does that mean?
It means that every paper
we signed back then
is null and void.
You and I are still married.
♪ ♪
All right, Lance Armschlong,
time's up, buddy.
I'll have you know,
Lance Armschlong
is a highly respected
exotic dancer,
and a close personal friend
of mine.
How was it?
Incredible.
Really?
My trainer was awesome.
Ohh!
I mean, seriously.
Enjoy, my butt sweat.
Eww.
All right, here we go.
Ooh.
Pick a name, and--
Wow, okay.
..man3.
Really?
...man5.
Are you kidding me?
All right, you know what?
ShoveItUpYourAss.
Aw, man, no!
Hi, and welcome to Pedalton.
I'm Anita Worthy.
Hi, Anita.
You might be tempted
to speak to me.
But this is
a prerecorded workout,
so I can't hear you
or respond.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm just gonna stare at you.
You're incredible.
Okay, let's start pedaling.
Let's go!
This is a 10-mile circuit,
so we've got
some time together.
I'm gonna start by telling you
a little bit about myself.
Please do.
When I was a medic
in the military,
I used to get
through tough days
by singing acapella.
That's me!
And I played the ukulele.
Girl, you better stop.
I'll come marry you right now.
So what are you going to do
about it, Eddie?
I'm gonna find
a living divorce lawyer
and we'll get divorced
for real.
It's not that simple, dummy.
Hey, Chief,
I was gonna ask you
about the, um--
Aunt Felicity, is that you?
Lucy?
Oh, my God.
I mean, you look so different
than the pictures.
You're so mystical.
Well, I went in a different
direction
after Eddie cheated on me.
She became a witch.
Yes.
Primarily so I could
lay curses on Eddie.
Yeah, right. What curses
have you ever laid on me?
Did you
pop a nut two years ago?
Maybe.
I put a photo of you
in the freezer along
with a broken walnut
and a nasty tarot card.
It's called a freezer spell.
That's bullshit.
I popped your nut in '97.
And did you have teeth
pulled this year?
Yes, I took pig's teeth
and put it in a bucket of sugar
for that one.
Has your back gone out lately?
Yes.
I made a doll of you
and broke it in half.
Why put all the curses on me?
For giving Eddie an alibi
when he cheated.
I will always hate you.
But he's the one who cheated!
Ah!
At least now you admit it.
Ohh, she got me.
Okay, okay.
Let's just get back
to the situation at hand.
What are we gonna do
about this divorce?
I want a proper settlement
this time.
I want the house, Eddie.
Anyways, I've always hated
being a leap year baby.
Not very many people
can relate.
If you do, give me a call.
I relate! I relate!
All right!
Great job, everyone.
Let's cool down.
What do you think?
Oh, Anita Worthy is
the greatest thing that ever
happened to me.
Me too.
She's so supportive
without being condescending.
Yeah.
She's just so inspiring
without being annoying.
And we--
both: Have so much in common.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys.
Anita is my trainer.
I rode with her first,
so that's my trainer, okay?
Ike, the workouts
are prerecorded.
We can all ride with Anita.
Mm.
Yeah, I guess, right? I mean,
if they're pre-recorded,
then why would we be
jealous of each other?
both: Totally.
Sorry, guys.
Okay, gang.
Now, just a reminder,
for the rest of the day
during my live workouts,
Whoever gets
the highest workout score
will win a private cycle
with me tonight at 6:00 pm.
It'll be a one-on-one session
where I'll be able to see you,
hear you, and interact
with you and only you.
Great job, everyone.
♪ ♪
I will murder you
both viciously.
You owe it to me to give me
that house, Eddie.
Why are you so opposed to it?
It's my house. I paid for it.
Then you cheated on me.
Only because you became
very distant.
Because you were obsessed
with Matthew Broderick.
That's not true.
It's true.
You wanted to be him
in sexual roleplay.
All right, I think
we should go.
No, stay.
Eddie wanted to roleplay in bed
as Matthew Broderick
and not the fun stuff
like "Inspector Gadget."
No, he wanted to be
"Ladyhawke."
Hey, "Ladyhawke"
is a great movie.
It is a good movie.
Michelle Pfeiffer.
Shut up, Terry.
Okay, okay, just give me
a moment
to process all of this.
It's not every day
that your ex-wife
shows up with news like this.
Hello, Eddie.
Make that two ex-wives.
Oh, my God! Aunt Ulsa!
Hi, Lucy.
Sal Green is dead.
He was never a lawyer.
We are still married.
When it rains, it pours.
Shut your mouth!
Okay, gang, we're riding
to the top
of Gut Check Hill,
who's with me?
Whoo, baby.
I am, Anita.
Right on!
Remember, I can't hear you
guys.
Why does she ask us questions
if she can't hear our answers?
Good start, Flyfisher21.
You got this, GnarlyCat007.
Gut Check Hill is right.
Come on!
Oh, don't slow down on me,
IkeOnABike.
I know you can do this.
Let's go!
IkeOnABike,
she said my name.
She said my name!
Oh, my God.
What kind of hill is this,
Anita?
Climbing up a wall.
Who's pumped?
Yes!
Damn, this is hard!
Shit!
So, Eddie,
what are we going to do?
Get divorced?
You don't have to.
We're still married.
Your marriage never happened.
She makes a good point.
She's right.
Ulsa needed a green card.
So my mom set her up
with Eddie as a prank.
The Penisi's prank so hard.
Yes, they do.
So Eddie married Ulsa.
After two years,
she got her green card.
One week later, she
divorced him and fleeced him.
Oof, that's pure evil.
Wait, there's more.
He cheated on me.
Oh, you ki--
He cheated on me, too.
Ohh, now it makes sense.
Okay, hold on a second.
I paid both of you
ladies alimony for years.
Now if our divorce
wasn't valid, and you and I
were never legally married,
then I demand restitution.
He's right.
both: Shut up, Terry!
Okay.
I am not paying you anything,
Edward Caesar Penisi.
This is what you are
going to do for me.
If our marriage is null
and void
that means my citizenship
is null and void.
I want you to marry me.
No, freakin' way.
Well, if you don't, I will
have you charged with bigamy!
Why are you spit taking?
She said bigamy.
I thought she said big Amy.
Who's big Amy?
I don't know that's why
I didn't spit take.
Andy, clean this up!
You want me to
clean up your spit?
Where did you get
the lameo clothes?
Amazon Drone, bitch.
It's gonna help me
with my speed.
Yeah, I like the helmet.
Don't fall off.
You know what else I got?
State-of-the-art shoes with
click-in capabilities.
Here we go.
♪ ♪
Paid 200 bucks for these, man.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ah! Cramp!
Bad cramp!
I did it. I did it.
There we go. Ha.
♪ ♪
Ohh, my water.
RCW9864O10--
"A person is guilty of bigamy
"if he or she intentionally
marries another person
"when either person
has a living spouse.
"Punishable by five years
in jail.
A Class C felony."
Doesn't sound like
a classy felony.
Eddie, you're a bigamist
and I will report you
if you don't comply.
But I will look the other way
if you marry me.
Still no.
When did Cap learn
to speak Chinese?
It's Swedish, Ike.
No, I know.
That's what I said.
Like, when did you learn
to speak Swedish?
She taught him.
Oof.
Ah, tingle button.
It just means the same.
Like, tingle button, I guess.
Yeah, she taught him that,
too.
Chief, why is there a picture
of you in the freezer?
And why is it attached
to a pig's foot?
That's why my feet
are so cold.
Stop it with
the freezer spells.
Never!
Was that real?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
Hoo. Hello, hello.
Who stole the seat?
I don't need a seat.
Here we go.
They took the pedals?
I don't--
Buh-bye.
I guess I'll ride later.
Why are they being so mean
to your dad?
Because Uncle Eddie
made Chief lie for him.
When his wives thought
he was cheating,
he told Felicity that he
and Eddie were at hot yoga
and that Eddie passed out
from dehydration.
And then he told Ulsa that he
and Eddie were skydiving,
and that Eddie passed out
for mental exhaustion.
Wait, wait, wait.
Chief is into yoga
and skydiving?
That's amazing.
By the way, Terry,
your best man speech
was an embarrassment.
That Penisi joke.
So stupid.
He told that dumb joke
at your wedding too?
Oh, yes.
It's a great joke.
I like that joke.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
That joke killed.
Yeah, it was a good joke.
Chief was the best man
at both of their weddings?
Yeah. By the third wedding,
he really had things dialed in.
There's a third wedding?
Eddie...
we need to talk.
I should have expected this.
Everybody, this
is my third wife Cece.
Hi, Aunt Cece!
Hey, Lucy.
Have a seat. We are
just figuring out
the Sal Green of it all.
Good.
Because I just found out
the city is buying your house
for a million dollars.
You lying bastard.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Cece, how did you know that
I was getting a million dollars
from my house?
My family is connected,
Eddie.
We know everything.
You might recognize Aunt Cece
by her maiden name--
Bulkshop.
As in Bulkshop
Wholesale Store?
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, she got money.
That's why Cap
doesn't like Bulkshop.
Her dad tried to get him
to change his name
to Eddie Bulkshop.
But in the end,
she took his last name.
Oh, Cece Penisi.
That's--that's pretty dope,
actually.
By then, Dad's best man
toast was off the chain.
He had it down to a tight 10.
Did Terry give the best
man speech for you too?
both: Yes.
Did he do that stupid joke?
both: Yes.
"Congratulations.
Maybe one day--"
all: "Eddie will put
a little Penisi in you."
I don't sound like that.
Shut up, Terry.
Wait, Luce, what time is it?
It's almost five.
Ooh, Anita Worthy is about
to announce
who won
the one-on-one cycle contest.
Oh!
So, Eddie, since you and I
were never married,
just write me a check for the
$1 million of alimony
I have paid you
over the past 15 years.
Or just give me the house.
That house is mine, sister.
Watch yourself, Stevie Nix.
Watch yourself,
Shamrock Shake.
Catfight.
both: Shut up!
♪ ♪
Dude, you got an outfit
and a ring light?
Hell yeah.
I've gotta look sweet
when I get my one-on-one ride
with Anita Worthy.
Oh, man.
Except I'm gonna be the one
who does the one-on-one ride
with Anita, sucker.
Hey, Tex, are you spraying
cologne right now?
Yeah, jealous much?
You guys
didn't think of that, did you?
You know she can't smell you
through the screen.
Yeah, I know.
It's fo--it's for
atmosphere, guys.
Okay, well, both of you guys
just shut up
because my girlfriend's
about to talk.
Okay everyone,
drumroll, please.
"Drumroll please."
Anita you're so funny.
She can't hear you, Ike.
I know.
Honestly, I keep forgetting.
There can only be
one winner.
So without further ado,
the winner of the one-on-one
personal cycle is...
Whatever happens, guys,
I love both of you.
Aw, thank you.
TacomaFDStation24.
Okay!
That's weird because
I sabotaged both of you guys.
I know.
I did it to you guys, too.
And I, you.
They must have thought
that the TacomaFDStation24
account was one person
and then they added
all of our rides together.
Oh yeah, that's why
it's so awesome.
Congrats,
TacomaFDStation24.
You rode for three hours.
Ooh!
See you soon
for our one-on-one.
How are we gonna decide
who gets
the private ride with Anita?
Oh, rock, paper, scissors.
Nice.
Is that--
No, I'm gonna punch you.
Paper.
Okay, I was only ever
legally married to Felicity
but there's potential bigamy
on the table
and some common law
marriage statutes
which have yet to be determined
that may be complicated
by three cases
of marital infidelity.
Quit stalling, Eddie,
you owe me
a million dollars of alimony.
And I want the house.
I only want your hand
in marriage.
I don't have a million bucks.
Yes, you do, your house.
I used the alimony
you paid me to pay
the alimony to these two.
So if you make me pay you back
then I'm making them
pay me back.
Not my problem, Eddie.
My lawyers are already drawing
up a lawsuit as we speak.
It's the end of the line
for you, buddy.
Goo.
Oh, no, it's not.
I called my friend
at the Hall of Records.
Interestingly, there are
no marriage licenses filed
for any of your marriages.
Now, as you ladies may recall,
not only was I the best man
at all of your weddings,
but I was also
the justice of the peace.
So I officiated over
all of your weddings.
I forgot that.
And as the officiant,
it was my duty
to file the marriage licenses
with the county.
Unfortunately, I had
a few too many cocktails
at my dear friend's
various wedding ceremonies,
and I failed to do so.
However, I checked
my file cabinet,
and I found these
unfiled documents
in a file marked
"things to do."
Okay, wait a second.
So even my first marriage
was unofficial?
Yes. And I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, not at all.
I mean, I suppose I should
thank you for your negligence.
Shut up, Terry.
And what does that mean?
It means that Eddie
was never married.
And he is as much of a victim
as any of you.
Yes!
Ugh!
This is incredible.
I'm still taking him
to court.
Then I'm taking these
two ladies to court.
I will be deported.
And I'll be broke. Okay.
That's it.
I'm casting spell on you.
Sweet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Just--let's just--
This is all getting
very complicated, and I'm rich.
So let's just split the sale
of the house four ways
and call it a day.
250,000 each, mmm?
Boom.
But I bought the house
for 250,000.
Great. Well, then
you'll come out even.
Wait, who is going to
marry me
so I can keep my green card?
I'll do it. You're hot.
But I'm going to need a prenup.
You got it.
Too bad Sal Green died.
He gave Eddie a punch card
so his fifth divorce is free.
Oh, yeah.
Fifth.
He's only been
divorced three times.
Eddie, did you hear
about Sal Green?
all: Yeah. We know.
He's dead.
Hi, Aunt Olive.
Hi, Lucy.
Don't waste your time,
sweetheart. You get nothing.
Okay. This was fun.
Great to see you, Cece.
Good to see you, Eddie
and you.
Oh, yeah.
Great to see you, Felicity.
Bye.
Bye, Felicity.
Mm.
Look at this!
She left 20 bucks
on the chair.
Bye, Olive.
Heh. I actually think
that was my 20 bucks.
Ah, well, now it's hers.
Guys, just give up.
I'm gonna win.
both: No way!
Ah, ah!
Listen, class starts
in 15 minutes, okay?
We're all gonna be exhausted.
We gotta figure something out.
Station 24, drunk man
stuck in the shopping cart
in the Tacomart parking lot.
28 Oak Street.
Guys, let's go!
Okay.
Come on, we do it fast,
we'll be back
before the hour's up.
Bingo. Bango. Bongo.
Ohh!
♪ ♪
TacomaFDStation24?
Uh, yeah.
I'm Anita Worthy.
You won the contest.
Uh--
You didn't know?
No.
But I was probably out
rescuing somebody.
I like your mustache.
What a coincidence.
It likes you too.
Oh, my God.
What is your name?
I'm Eddie Penisi.
Mm. Anita Worthy Penisi.
Has a nice ring to it.
So we're getting
married then?
I guess so.
I don't suppose you live
near Washington, do you?
Does Seattle count?
Really? Okay.
Hey, I am not going
through this again.
What?
Number five.
Now technically,
it's the first.
Oh, come on, Terry.
No more!
You get to do the joke again.
Oh, it's the new
smoldering firefighter drama,
"Pamona FD."
What do you guys
watch the shows?
All you do sit around
and complain.
That air packs from the '90s.
Yeah, right.
Don't they have
a technical
consultant on this show?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Retired firefighter,
rents, like,
a Mustang Convertible.
Thinks he's hot shit.
Probably related
to one of the creators
of the show.
Probs.
Yeah, probably.
It's not even a real fire.
Look how much makeup
that girl's wearing.
How come I can't get the suit
to highlight my cheekbones
like that?
There he is taking
the shirt off again.
And now they're making out
in the middle of a fire.
Why do they think that life
in a fire station
is like a soap opera?
It's so unrealistic.
♪ ♪
Guys...she's here.
Who is?
You're gonna wanna come
see for yourself.
Trust me.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ Check it and see ♪
♪ I got a fever of 103 ♪
♪ I'm hot-blooded ♪
♪ ♪
There she is, boys,
the Pedalton 3.0.
Finally, cardio
that doesn't suck.
That's their tagline.
It's on the box.
Wait, 1500 bucks
from Bulkshop?
Why would you get anything
from Bulkshop?
Because they have
great prices.
No. Bulkshop sucks.
Yeesh.
Whoa, damn.
Why does he
hate Bulkshop so much?
I know, right?
Ooh, the Pedalton 3.0
has everything, man.
Prerecorded classes, live
classes, and special events.
Ooh, I feel bad
for the suckers
who bought the Pedalton 2.0.
Suckers.
Suckers.
Oh, wait,
when does the 4.0 come out?
Next month. But until then,
this is top of the line.
Ooh!
Awesome!
Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta.
Step aside, Bozo.
I'm taking her
on her maiden voyage.
I call next.
All right.
Yes.
I'll bet you wish
you got next.
Not really.
Hi, I'm Anita Worthy,
and I'm gonna get you going
on your new Pedalton.
Hello, Anita.
You might be tempted
to talk to me,
but this is a pre
recorded workout
so I cannot hear you
or respond.
Oh, okay. Sorry.
I won't--
Oh, you can't hear that,
either.
What am I doing?
Stop it, Ike.
Sorry, Anita. Shit!
You can't hear that.
All right, gang. Let's go!
all: Whoo!
♪ ♪
Hey, I got awesome news.
You know how the city's been
trying to buy my house
so they can build
a new hospital?
Well, I've been holding it up
for a year,
and they finally made an offer.
A million bucks.
Hey, did you hear what I said?
The city wants to give me
a million bucks for my house.
Okay.
What are you talking about?
What's going on with you?
Vicky's pissed at me.
We were binge watching a show
together on Hulu.
Mm.
I watched the last
five episodes without her.
Big mistake. What show?
It's a show about the Irish
couple, Jenny and John O'Cake.
They join the Peace Corps
and solve crimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Peace O'Cake."
Great show.
So good.
Great show.
They planted a potato farm
in an African village.
That's the best part
of the season right there.
Then someone stole
the potatoes.
And that's all
in the first episode.
They solved it, though.
Yeah, of course.
You wanna know why?
Why?
It was a Piece O'Cake.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's so good.
Oh, it was so good.
Yeah. Well, I don't
blame her, you know,
when you exchanged
those marital vows
with my sister,
you swore an oath of fidelity.
They didn't have binge
cheating back then.
Eh.
All right, so what's
this thing with the city?
They're offering me
a million bucks for my house.
That should curb
your reckless
and irresponsible ways.
Probably not.
Ahh!
Now as punishment,
she's gonna binge watch
"Mental Dental" without me.
Ohh, boy.
That's that show about the
dentists in the insane asylum.
Good show.
Jake G-g-gyllenhaal.
Oh, Gyllellenhaal is great
in that show.
He plays the dentist,
Dr. Frederick Mental, DDS.
Tell you what, thought,
that's not the best
of the dentist shows.
The best show is the one
about the girl in 1904 Poland,
who becomes a boy so she could
be a dentist--
"Yentl Dentle."
Ohh.
Ronda Rousey's
excellent in that.
She's so good.
She's so good.
That second number she sings.
Ah.
That one's great.
I watched that one
without Vicky,
she got mad about that too.
Well, that's married life
for you,
and I miss it
exactly zero much.
Well, that's twice as much as
I miss being married to you.
Oh, my God, Felicity,
Long time, no see.
Wow, Felicity,
you look...different.
After we got divorced,
I became an ordained
Wiccan minister.
So you split with your wife,
and you drove her
to the dark arts.
Oh, stick a sock in, Terry.
I can put a hex on you so fast
it'll make your
head spin--literally.
Eddie, Sal Green is dead.
Sal Green,
our divorce lawyer?
Yes and no.
On his deathbed he confessed
he was never
a licensed attorney.
He was a fraud.
So what does that mean?
It means that every paper
we signed back then
is null and void.
You and I are still married.
♪ ♪
All right, Lance Armschlong,
time's up, buddy.
I'll have you know,
Lance Armschlong
is a highly respected
exotic dancer,
and a close personal friend
of mine.
How was it?
Incredible.
Really?
My trainer was awesome.
Ohh!
I mean, seriously.
Enjoy, my butt sweat.
Eww.
All right, here we go.
Ooh.
Pick a name, and--
Wow, okay.
..man3.
Really?
...man5.
Are you kidding me?
All right, you know what?
ShoveItUpYourAss.
Aw, man, no!
Hi, and welcome to Pedalton.
I'm Anita Worthy.
Hi, Anita.
You might be tempted
to speak to me.
But this is
a prerecorded workout,
so I can't hear you
or respond.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm just gonna stare at you.
You're incredible.
Okay, let's start pedaling.
Let's go!
This is a 10-mile circuit,
so we've got
some time together.
I'm gonna start by telling you
a little bit about myself.
Please do.
When I was a medic
in the military,
I used to get
through tough days
by singing acapella.
That's me!
And I played the ukulele.
Girl, you better stop.
I'll come marry you right now.
So what are you going to do
about it, Eddie?
I'm gonna find
a living divorce lawyer
and we'll get divorced
for real.
It's not that simple, dummy.
Hey, Chief,
I was gonna ask you
about the, um--
Aunt Felicity, is that you?
Lucy?
Oh, my God.
I mean, you look so different
than the pictures.
You're so mystical.
Well, I went in a different
direction
after Eddie cheated on me.
She became a witch.
Yes.
Primarily so I could
lay curses on Eddie.
Yeah, right. What curses
have you ever laid on me?
Did you
pop a nut two years ago?
Maybe.
I put a photo of you
in the freezer along
with a broken walnut
and a nasty tarot card.
It's called a freezer spell.
That's bullshit.
I popped your nut in '97.
And did you have teeth
pulled this year?
Yes, I took pig's teeth
and put it in a bucket of sugar
for that one.
Has your back gone out lately?
Yes.
I made a doll of you
and broke it in half.
Why put all the curses on me?
For giving Eddie an alibi
when he cheated.
I will always hate you.
But he's the one who cheated!
Ah!
At least now you admit it.
Ohh, she got me.
Okay, okay.
Let's just get back
to the situation at hand.
What are we gonna do
about this divorce?
I want a proper settlement
this time.
I want the house, Eddie.
Anyways, I've always hated
being a leap year baby.
Not very many people
can relate.
If you do, give me a call.
I relate! I relate!
All right!
Great job, everyone.
Let's cool down.
What do you think?
Oh, Anita Worthy is
the greatest thing that ever
happened to me.
Me too.
She's so supportive
without being condescending.
Yeah.
She's just so inspiring
without being annoying.
And we--
both: Have so much in common.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys.
Anita is my trainer.
I rode with her first,
so that's my trainer, okay?
Ike, the workouts
are prerecorded.
We can all ride with Anita.
Mm.
Yeah, I guess, right? I mean,
if they're pre-recorded,
then why would we be
jealous of each other?
both: Totally.
Sorry, guys.
Okay, gang.
Now, just a reminder,
for the rest of the day
during my live workouts,
Whoever gets
the highest workout score
will win a private cycle
with me tonight at 6:00 pm.
It'll be a one-on-one session
where I'll be able to see you,
hear you, and interact
with you and only you.
Great job, everyone.
♪ ♪
I will murder you
both viciously.
You owe it to me to give me
that house, Eddie.
Why are you so opposed to it?
It's my house. I paid for it.
Then you cheated on me.
Only because you became
very distant.
Because you were obsessed
with Matthew Broderick.
That's not true.
It's true.
You wanted to be him
in sexual roleplay.
All right, I think
we should go.
No, stay.
Eddie wanted to roleplay in bed
as Matthew Broderick
and not the fun stuff
like "Inspector Gadget."
No, he wanted to be
"Ladyhawke."
Hey, "Ladyhawke"
is a great movie.
It is a good movie.
Michelle Pfeiffer.
Shut up, Terry.
Okay, okay, just give me
a moment
to process all of this.
It's not every day
that your ex-wife
shows up with news like this.
Hello, Eddie.
Make that two ex-wives.
Oh, my God! Aunt Ulsa!
Hi, Lucy.
Sal Green is dead.
He was never a lawyer.
We are still married.
When it rains, it pours.
Shut your mouth!
Okay, gang, we're riding
to the top
of Gut Check Hill,
who's with me?
Whoo, baby.
I am, Anita.
Right on!
Remember, I can't hear you
guys.
Why does she ask us questions
if she can't hear our answers?
Good start, Flyfisher21.
You got this, GnarlyCat007.
Gut Check Hill is right.
Come on!
Oh, don't slow down on me,
IkeOnABike.
I know you can do this.
Let's go!
IkeOnABike,
she said my name.
She said my name!
Oh, my God.
What kind of hill is this,
Anita?
Climbing up a wall.
Who's pumped?
Yes!
Damn, this is hard!
Shit!
So, Eddie,
what are we going to do?
Get divorced?
You don't have to.
We're still married.
Your marriage never happened.
She makes a good point.
She's right.
Ulsa needed a green card.
So my mom set her up
with Eddie as a prank.
The Penisi's prank so hard.
Yes, they do.
So Eddie married Ulsa.
After two years,
she got her green card.
One week later, she
divorced him and fleeced him.
Oof, that's pure evil.
Wait, there's more.
He cheated on me.
Oh, you ki--
He cheated on me, too.
Ohh, now it makes sense.
Okay, hold on a second.
I paid both of you
ladies alimony for years.
Now if our divorce
wasn't valid, and you and I
were never legally married,
then I demand restitution.
He's right.
both: Shut up, Terry!
Okay.
I am not paying you anything,
Edward Caesar Penisi.
This is what you are
going to do for me.
If our marriage is null
and void
that means my citizenship
is null and void.
I want you to marry me.
No, freakin' way.
Well, if you don't, I will
have you charged with bigamy!
Why are you spit taking?
She said bigamy.
I thought she said big Amy.
Who's big Amy?
I don't know that's why
I didn't spit take.
Andy, clean this up!
You want me to
clean up your spit?
Where did you get
the lameo clothes?
Amazon Drone, bitch.
It's gonna help me
with my speed.
Yeah, I like the helmet.
Don't fall off.
You know what else I got?
State-of-the-art shoes with
click-in capabilities.
Here we go.
♪ ♪
Paid 200 bucks for these, man.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Ah! Cramp!
Bad cramp!
I did it. I did it.
There we go. Ha.
♪ ♪
Ohh, my water.
RCW9864O10--
"A person is guilty of bigamy
"if he or she intentionally
marries another person
"when either person
has a living spouse.
"Punishable by five years
in jail.
A Class C felony."
Doesn't sound like
a classy felony.
Eddie, you're a bigamist
and I will report you
if you don't comply.
But I will look the other way
if you marry me.
Still no.
When did Cap learn
to speak Chinese?
It's Swedish, Ike.
No, I know.
That's what I said.
Like, when did you learn
to speak Swedish?
She taught him.
Oof.
Ah, tingle button.
It just means the same.
Like, tingle button, I guess.
Yeah, she taught him that,
too.
Chief, why is there a picture
of you in the freezer?
And why is it attached
to a pig's foot?
That's why my feet
are so cold.
Stop it with
the freezer spells.
Never!
Was that real?
I don't know.
♪ ♪
Hoo. Hello, hello.
Who stole the seat?
I don't need a seat.
Here we go.
They took the pedals?
I don't--
Buh-bye.
I guess I'll ride later.
Why are they being so mean
to your dad?
Because Uncle Eddie
made Chief lie for him.
When his wives thought
he was cheating,
he told Felicity that he
and Eddie were at hot yoga
and that Eddie passed out
from dehydration.
And then he told Ulsa that he
and Eddie were skydiving,
and that Eddie passed out
for mental exhaustion.
Wait, wait, wait.
Chief is into yoga
and skydiving?
That's amazing.
By the way, Terry,
your best man speech
was an embarrassment.
That Penisi joke.
So stupid.
He told that dumb joke
at your wedding too?
Oh, yes.
It's a great joke.
I like that joke.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
That joke killed.
Yeah, it was a good joke.
Chief was the best man
at both of their weddings?
Yeah. By the third wedding,
he really had things dialed in.
There's a third wedding?
Eddie...
we need to talk.
I should have expected this.
Everybody, this
is my third wife Cece.
Hi, Aunt Cece!
Hey, Lucy.
Have a seat. We are
just figuring out
the Sal Green of it all.
Good.
Because I just found out
the city is buying your house
for a million dollars.
You lying bastard.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Cece, how did you know that
I was getting a million dollars
from my house?
My family is connected,
Eddie.
We know everything.
You might recognize Aunt Cece
by her maiden name--
Bulkshop.
As in Bulkshop
Wholesale Store?
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, she got money.
That's why Cap
doesn't like Bulkshop.
Her dad tried to get him
to change his name
to Eddie Bulkshop.
But in the end,
she took his last name.
Oh, Cece Penisi.
That's--that's pretty dope,
actually.
By then, Dad's best man
toast was off the chain.
He had it down to a tight 10.
Did Terry give the best
man speech for you too?
both: Yes.
Did he do that stupid joke?
both: Yes.
"Congratulations.
Maybe one day--"
all: "Eddie will put
a little Penisi in you."
I don't sound like that.
Shut up, Terry.
Wait, Luce, what time is it?
It's almost five.
Ooh, Anita Worthy is about
to announce
who won
the one-on-one cycle contest.
Oh!
So, Eddie, since you and I
were never married,
just write me a check for the
$1 million of alimony
I have paid you
over the past 15 years.
Or just give me the house.
That house is mine, sister.
Watch yourself, Stevie Nix.
Watch yourself,
Shamrock Shake.
Catfight.
both: Shut up!
♪ ♪
Dude, you got an outfit
and a ring light?
Hell yeah.
I've gotta look sweet
when I get my one-on-one ride
with Anita Worthy.
Oh, man.
Except I'm gonna be the one
who does the one-on-one ride
with Anita, sucker.
Hey, Tex, are you spraying
cologne right now?
Yeah, jealous much?
You guys
didn't think of that, did you?
You know she can't smell you
through the screen.
Yeah, I know.
It's fo--it's for
atmosphere, guys.
Okay, well, both of you guys
just shut up
because my girlfriend's
about to talk.
Okay everyone,
drumroll, please.
"Drumroll please."
Anita you're so funny.
She can't hear you, Ike.
I know.
Honestly, I keep forgetting.
There can only be
one winner.
So without further ado,
the winner of the one-on-one
personal cycle is...
Whatever happens, guys,
I love both of you.
Aw, thank you.
TacomaFDStation24.
Okay!
That's weird because
I sabotaged both of you guys.
I know.
I did it to you guys, too.
And I, you.
They must have thought
that the TacomaFDStation24
account was one person
and then they added
all of our rides together.
Oh yeah, that's why
it's so awesome.
Congrats,
TacomaFDStation24.
You rode for three hours.
Ooh!
See you soon
for our one-on-one.
How are we gonna decide
who gets
the private ride with Anita?
Oh, rock, paper, scissors.
Nice.
Is that--
No, I'm gonna punch you.
Paper.
Okay, I was only ever
legally married to Felicity
but there's potential bigamy
on the table
and some common law
marriage statutes
which have yet to be determined
that may be complicated
by three cases
of marital infidelity.
Quit stalling, Eddie,
you owe me
a million dollars of alimony.
And I want the house.
I only want your hand
in marriage.
I don't have a million bucks.
Yes, you do, your house.
I used the alimony
you paid me to pay
the alimony to these two.
So if you make me pay you back
then I'm making them
pay me back.
Not my problem, Eddie.
My lawyers are already drawing
up a lawsuit as we speak.
It's the end of the line
for you, buddy.
Goo.
Oh, no, it's not.
I called my friend
at the Hall of Records.
Interestingly, there are
no marriage licenses filed
for any of your marriages.
Now, as you ladies may recall,
not only was I the best man
at all of your weddings,
but I was also
the justice of the peace.
So I officiated over
all of your weddings.
I forgot that.
And as the officiant,
it was my duty
to file the marriage licenses
with the county.
Unfortunately, I had
a few too many cocktails
at my dear friend's
various wedding ceremonies,
and I failed to do so.
However, I checked
my file cabinet,
and I found these
unfiled documents
in a file marked
"things to do."
Okay, wait a second.
So even my first marriage
was unofficial?
Yes. And I'm sorry.
No, no, no, no, not at all.
I mean, I suppose I should
thank you for your negligence.
Shut up, Terry.
And what does that mean?
It means that Eddie
was never married.
And he is as much of a victim
as any of you.
Yes!
Ugh!
This is incredible.
I'm still taking him
to court.
Then I'm taking these
two ladies to court.
I will be deported.
And I'll be broke. Okay.
That's it.
I'm casting spell on you.
Sweet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Just--let's just--
This is all getting
very complicated, and I'm rich.
So let's just split the sale
of the house four ways
and call it a day.
250,000 each, mmm?
Boom.
But I bought the house
for 250,000.
Great. Well, then
you'll come out even.
Wait, who is going to
marry me
so I can keep my green card?
I'll do it. You're hot.
But I'm going to need a prenup.
You got it.
Too bad Sal Green died.
He gave Eddie a punch card
so his fifth divorce is free.
Oh, yeah.
Fifth.
He's only been
divorced three times.
Eddie, did you hear
about Sal Green?
all: Yeah. We know.
He's dead.
Hi, Aunt Olive.
Hi, Lucy.
Don't waste your time,
sweetheart. You get nothing.
Okay. This was fun.
Great to see you, Cece.
Good to see you, Eddie
and you.
Oh, yeah.
Great to see you, Felicity.
Bye.
Bye, Felicity.
Mm.
Look at this!
She left 20 bucks
on the chair.
Bye, Olive.
Heh. I actually think
that was my 20 bucks.
Ah, well, now it's hers.
Guys, just give up.
I'm gonna win.
both: No way!
Ah, ah!
Listen, class starts
in 15 minutes, okay?
We're all gonna be exhausted.
We gotta figure something out.
Station 24, drunk man
stuck in the shopping cart
in the Tacomart parking lot.
28 Oak Street.
Guys, let's go!
Okay.
Come on, we do it fast,
we'll be back
before the hour's up.
Bingo. Bango. Bongo.
Ohh!
♪ ♪
TacomaFDStation24?
Uh, yeah.
I'm Anita Worthy.
You won the contest.
Uh--
You didn't know?
No.
But I was probably out
rescuing somebody.
I like your mustache.
What a coincidence.
It likes you too.
Oh, my God.
What is your name?
I'm Eddie Penisi.
Mm. Anita Worthy Penisi.
Has a nice ring to it.
So we're getting
married then?
I guess so.
I don't suppose you live
near Washington, do you?
Does Seattle count?
Really? Okay.
Hey, I am not going
through this again.
What?
Number five.
Now technically,
it's the first.
Oh, come on, Terry.
No more!
You get to do the joke again.