Switch (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript

OK.

I'm ready.

How you two getting on?

Do you want to run
through the checklist?

Just back off with
the checklist, yeah?

Could someone else get that?

If I have to speak to Grace'smum one more time this morning,

I'm gonna have a panic attack.

Hi, Gloria.

Witch's intuition.

No, I think Grace
is still having



sex-- six rounds of toast.

So we're up for the journey.

OK will do.

Bye.

Right, we're leavingfor Solstice in one hour.

If you're not at
the door by 10:00,

then you can make
your own way there.

Grace!

They can wait 10 more minutes.

She's such a tyrant.

I'm gonna miss you.

It's only for one day.

Yeah, longest day of the year.

One miserable, never endingday filled with tears



and suffering.

I thought you were goingto see your mate, Tom.

That's what I'm talking about.

He's such an asshole.

I could always
cancel, come with you.

No.

Don't do that.

You can't let your friend down.

You know, what if he's
all like, oy, Gerry,

you got a fucking
burn, have you?

You fucking big pussy,
under the thumb, mate.

That's what you are.

Tom's a Buddhist monk.

He doesn't really
talk like that.

That's even worse.

You can't let a
Buddhist monk down.

Yes, you can.

That's the whole point
of being mates with one.

Could strangle his nan andhe'd probably still forgive me.

Look, I lied.

We're not going to a festival.

Thing is I haven't
really told you

about my upbringing, my faith.

Go on.

Don't freak out.

Say it.

I'm a witch.

Thank fuck.

I thought you were Catholic.

A witch?

Cool, man.

I love goths.

I'm not a goth.

I'm like a proper pagan witch.

Immense.

And I'm going home
for Solstice, which

is a very private and sacred--

I have got to come.

Please.
- No.

No, you can't.

Solstice is very--
it's too soon.

I'm not proposing.

I just want to meet
your mom and dad.

Come on.

It'll be a blast.

45 minutes.

Look.

What's that supposed to be?

It's not supposed
to be anything.

It's a Solstice card for my mom.

Who's the freaky fat
boy with the overbite?

Me.

She'll love that Han.

Please, help me.

Gerry wants to come to Solstice.

And breathe.

What's the big deal?

We're just getting
to know each other.

It's way too soon for him tosee me in a cloak waving a pail

of water around a bonfire.

My mother is going
to despise him.

Well, just tell
him he can't come.

I don't want to
hurt his feelings.

Let's do a switch.

No.

Absolutely no way.

We've been together
less than a month.

I'm not gonna do
magic on him again.

Is exploitative,manipulative-- what's so funny?

What's Gerry gonna
think of your mom's

naked Solstice dance.
- This is his t-shirt.

I need a switch to stop him fromcoming and I need it pronto.

Let's move it.

Now.

Listen.

About the Solstice thing--

No, need for the thing.

It's just Solstice.

I don't call the biggest
event in your calendar

the Christmas thing.
- Call it what you like.

I don't give a shit.

Well, you know, you could.

Let me finish.

I shouldn't have tried
to muscle in like that.

I'm not giving you any space.

I'm sorry.

I do want you to come, but--

Maybe next year.

That's totally cool.

Come on.

Well, this is typical.

Do you want a pair
of tights, Stell?

Why would I want
a pair of tights?

Isn't that what they
do in tampon adverts?

I feel terrible about Gerry.

Grace, it's one night.

Get over it.

About the magic, you know,twice in less than a month.

What way is that to
start a relationship?

The best way.

Who's Jack?

Jack Jack.

First love Jack.

Yeah.

You still in touch with him?

Not really.

But we wants meet up
with me in Solstice.

In the woods?

Yeah.

Once around the mulberrybush for old time's sake.

Solstice is not
about casual sex.

Says who?

How much longer, Stell?

My mom's probably making lunch.

I don't want to be late.

Yeah, cause she's madeon timekeeping, your mom,

isn't she?
- Done.

Come on.

It's countryside, Stell.

Different pace of life.

I have been to the
countryside before.

Why are people paying?

Right.

Four of you is it?

That'll be 50 quid each?

Kids, pets.

Since when have
you had to start

paying to come to Solstice?

Since now, love.

Now, can I check your boot?

What for?

Only official Lower SoothSolstice food and beverages

allowed.

These can be purchasedfrom the refreshment area

next to the corporate
sponsorship field.

Corporate sponsor?

This is my home village.

I'm gonna pay 50 quid to
stay at my mom's house.

Well, then, love.

You're just gonna have turnback around then, aren't you.

This is a joke.

Come on, girls, out of the car.

We're not going anywhere.

It's an infringement
of our rights.

Well, tell her.

Is there a problem
with the plebs, Henry?

Yes, miss.

They-- they won't pay.

Gosh.

Then, I'm afraid we gotrather a sitch on our hands.

And what the fuck has
it got to do with you?

Heaps, actually.

This is my family's land.

So if you want to stay onit, I suggest you cough up.

What kind of person
profits from Solstice?

The kind who has 42 roomsto heat and livestock to feed.

How is your mom?

We take plastic.

Although there is.

Dig deep, girls.

I'll be totes sad face ifyou're not there later.

It's going to be
extra spesh this year.

What a wanker?

and I And I presume you'llbe wanting to park and all.

75 quid to park miles awayfrom where we're staying.

That's a blood joke.

That's a joke, surely.

Thank the sacred spirits.

You're all here in one piece.

I thought something
dreadful had happened.

Mom, what are you wearing?

Yes.

Isn't it fabulous?

Hathwin made it for me.

One in the eye
for the Piermonts.

I'm sticking it
to the man, girls.

By dressing as a squirrel?

The red squirrel
is an ancient symbol

of righteousness and honor.

It's just my own
personal little protest

against capitalist greedravaging our sacred community.

Get your
official Solstice

merchandise here, t-shirts,mugs, mouse pads, and coasters.

The great spirit is watchingyou, your fascist bastard.

So girls, back to my house?

Tea and biscuits.

Come on.

Bloody hell.

Your father will be
so excited to see you.

You remember Jude and
Stella, don't you, Dad?

And of course, you know Hannah.

He's been absolutelylivid with the Piermonts.

Should've seen him last night.

Raging.

I thought he was gonna
have the doors off.

Took me hours to calm him down.

Thanks for putting
me up, Gloria.

It's a pleasure.

There are extra
beds made up, if--

Thank you.

But my mom's expecting us.

Thanks.

- See you later.
- Hand in the kitchen?

Solstice?

Biscuit?

Mom, we're here.

My darling baby
girl, back home.

Prodigal daughter.

When was the last time?

I can't even?

Last Sunday, Grizelad'sgranddaughter's christening.

Let's not split hairs.

I'm just grateful.

That's all.

We mothers have to take
any scraps we can get.

Any news?

Come on.

I know that glow.

Who is he?

He's nobody.

I mean, there isn't
anyone, honestly.

Hathwin's son
Geoffrey's still single.

Not surprised.

You haven't seen
him for years.

He's had a growth spurtand his skin's much clear.

Well, at least stay open.

Let me introduce you.

Have a nice chair
over a glass of mead.

He's a very interesting chap.

He's training to
become a blacksmith.

Did I tell you?It's a very old tradition.

Really?

Yeah, whatever.

That's fine.

I'll go and call Hathwin.

Straight to voicemail.

Her battery must've gone.

She's probably
doin' a nutter now.

Car's broken down.

Battery's died.

Yeah.

I'll tell you one
good thing about Gloria,

she is shit all at baking.

We weren't alwayson the road, you know?

I was born in that cottage.

That's cute.

Mom couldn't keep up
with the rent, though.

So the Piermonts booted us out.

Alexa loved that one.

Yeah. well, she's
probably laughing

on the other side of herhorsey face, now isn't she?

Can't even keep a coventogether for five minutes.

It was nice in here when Iwas a kid, really cozy, fairy

lights and patchwork blankets.

Just a bit unloved.

What happened to you notputting any pressure on me?

I know.But I thought about-- hang on.

Isn't there more
pressure by making

some massive thing out of it?

Come here.

I just want to see
where you're from.

That's all.

No biggie.
I won't show you off.

I promise.

It's a big deal for
me, bringing someone

home, especially to Solstice.

I know that.

And my mom is quite--

she has very specific
expectations of the sort

of person I should be with.

Beard?
Sandals?

Bad breath?

Basically.

Well, what about
your expectations?

I know.

It's pathetic.

I am glad you're here.

Can we just ease
you in gradually?

And what does that involve?

It involves you being
on your best behavior

and sucking up
massively to my mother,

without actually admittingthat we're together,

a sort of pincermovement, stealth attack.

And actually hiding.

Camouflage, stealth, pincer.

Brilliant.

Or we could play I Spy.

Gerry's arrived,
which is brilliant.

Obviously.

He's just gonna chill out inhere for a bit, if that's OK.

Where's your mom, Han?

No hugging.

It's fine.

It's all fine.

Yeah, of course it is.

We're gonna have the
best Solstice ever.

Am I OK sitting
here by the window

or do you want me
completely out of sight?

Would you mind?

Where's Stell?

I left her with my dad.

They're getting on really well.

It's so cute.

Well, it's been lovely
catching up with you

Mr. Watkins.

I might go and help
the others now.

Lots to do.

OK.

Great.

Well, we'll-- we'll continuethis where we left off later,

yeah?

I don't understand it.

He's even wearing the
t- shirt we cast with.

How could it not have worked?

It's proof, isn't it?

Why you never should neveruse magic to manipulate

your loved ones.

Never goes to plan.

How else are you supposedto manipulate them?

- Grace?
- Yeah.

Is there a loo in here?

I need to piss.

No.

Can I come out for a sec then?

Let the man go to the toilet.

Yeah.

Of course you can.

They have started
selling off our forest.

Have you heard
anything so ridiculous

in all your born days.

We are not gonna--

what the hell are you doing?

Get your filthy penisaway from the might Star Gaia.

I thought it was a--

a tree trunk.

That it's a sacredworshipping point, hand-coughed

Who is this man?

This is Gerry,
Stella's boyfriend.

You're not a lesbian anymore?

No.

No.

Not a lesbian these days.

I think it was just a-- a phase, a 15 year phase.

You're certainly going
to get that with him.

Well, Gerry, if Stella
is staying with us,

then you must stay with us too.

No.

Gloria, it's fine.

We don't want to
be disrespectful.

Nonsense.

You're not teenagers anymore.

But I'm afraid
you are both going

to squeeze into a single bed.

But I'm sure that won't
bother you, will it?

Anyway, let's carry on
with the preparations.

You two lovebirds come with me.

I've got just the job for you.

You girls, start
preparing the day camp.

Yeah?

Come on.

Come on.

Why did I say
they were together?

Because you're
terrified of you mother?

I don't want them I'msleeping in the same bed.

Yeah, but he's not.

You know what I mean.

It's weird.

I think Jack might be
reading a bit too much

into our little rendezvous.

He keeps saying stuff
about our history

and how his family lovedme and all that bullshit.

I don't want sweet.

I want to get drunk on mead andhave passionate al fresco sex

like we did when were 18.

What the fuck?

Make way for the
Solstice King and Queen.

Make way.

I thought they could leadour fertility ceremony.

Saffron, wait for me.

- This cannot happen.
- Really?

Please.

I'm so excited.

You could've said no to her.

I've only known your motherfor half an hour, Grace.

But even I realize that'squite a naive thing to say.

Anyway, this is wicked.

It's so comfy.

Why does anyone
bother with trousers?

Gloria.

Drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink,

drink, drink, drink, drink.

Girls, girls.

Form a circle, please.

Now, there may have
been times in the past

when I have been less
than complimentary

about your skills.

Don't deny it.

But watching you today, youare a coven to be proud of.

Why don't we do
a small blessing?

Join hands.

Spirit great,
protect our home.

Make it safe for us to roam.

Keep it clear of forces bad.

Fill it with joy and
make our hearts be glad.

Good.

Petals bless this coven's home.

Don't stop
cuddling, girls.

That's major cutsie
fluff right there.

What do you want Alexa?

I'm collecting.

You owe Daddy some dollarfor chopping down his tree,

80 pounds please.

That was my tree from mygarden, on my daddy's land.

So cough up, scruffs.

Shut it, beatlips.

Just leave us in peace, girls.

What if we didn't want
to though, dumpling?

Then you will be
getting your daddy's

land sooner than you think.

Because I will shove a big clumpof it down your scrawny neck.

Straight in with
the battle banter.

How totes thrillsome.

I'm sure Piermont's not
going to break a nail.

You might have
wealth and privilege,

but what you bimble
about with your

flaky, flimsy,
incomplete coven, you're

about as powerful as gnats.

Who says we're incomplete?

Hello, peasants.

Mummy joined.

We're a super coven now.

Isn't that jokes?

Sergeant major jokes.

Look at their faces.

Totes hilar.

That's against the rules.

We are the rules.

So, kittens, we'll see
you later for jay pree,

major jay pree.

What's going on?

Jeffery.

What a surprise?

How marvelous.

Geoffrey, this is
my daughter Grace.

Gracie.
Gracie.

Grace.

This is Geoffrey.

Hi, Geoffrey.

Hi.

Marvelous.

Well, I'll just go an finishoff doing the photography.

And you two have a chat.

I'm sure you'll findyou've got lots in common.

They're all right.

I love plums.

Let's see your big symbol.

Excellent.

I grow them.

I'll-- I'll give you a
punnett, if you like.

They've won prizes,
my plums, cash.

And I'm not talking coppers.

Wow.

That's fantastic.
- OK.

Got that.

No.

I've got scabies.

Me too.

Now, let's have a
think about something.

Good pose.

Good.

Something heroic.

Something-- that's beautiful.

Jack.

Hi.

Hi.

Jack, before we do anything,I think we should--

Sh.

Jude, this is my
partner, Summer.

It's lovely to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

Hi.

OK.

Yeah.

Listen, you know I'm
not one to judge,

but I'm not really
into the whole menage--

This is our daughter, Willow.

We wanted
her naming ceremony

to be on Solstice night.

And each of us chose
two guide parents.

You are my choice, Jude.

I'm not really good with kids.

You should meet
her properly first.

No.

No.

I'll-- I'll drop her so--

Listen, I'm flattered,
but I don't do kids.

That's not true.

If you don't do
kids, then why did

you let my little sister
tag along every time

we went anywhere?

She still talks about you, Jude.

Will you do it?

Fuck it.
Yeah.

Shit.

Sorry.

Then, I realized it
was because I hadn't

blended the topsoil properly.

And I should have used morecompost, fool that I am.

That'll teach
me to cut corners.

Schoolboy error.

Honestly, it was one ofthe worst days of my life.

Hey, thought I'd skive
off fertility duty,

come and see you.

Get off, Geoffrey.

Gracie, Gracie?
Why aren't you ready?

It starts in half an hour.

OK.
OK.

Where are the other girls?

Gloria, I don't know ifI'm very happy about this.

Everyone seems to think I'msome sort of fertility expert.

And they're sharing
far too much.

Where the hell are the others?

- Good time?
- Yeah.

It was pretty amazing actually.

So now, Hannah?

Straight to voicemail.

This is absolutely
bloody typical.

The ceremony starts
in half an hour--

what if it is your year,your coven's turn to read

the ceremonial incantation?

What if it's your year to shine?

We never get picked.

Yeah, how are we gonnastand a chance against Alexa?

Defeatist.

Well, I want you all there, inthe front row looking the best,

being the best, because
you are the best.

Are you the best, girls?

I said, are you
the fucking best?

Yes.

Well, come on then.

I am so sorry
about all of this.

Don't be.

I'm having the time of my life.

Your mom's amazing.

And Lower Sooth
fucking rocks, man.

It's like my spiritual home.

You are so lucky
to come from here.

Yeah, I suppose
it is pretty cool.

No.
Come on.

This is important.

We need to find Hannah.

Two minutes.

One minute.

That's plenty.

You are doing
marvelously, Geoffrey.

Just carry on being
yourself and I'm sure--

Han, baby.
You in here?

We've been looking
all over for you--

Why don't I learn?

I know Gloria can
be a bit tense,

but at least she'sthere, like a proper mum.

Proper waste of space.

You've always got us, always.

You know that.

We're your family, Han.

I've got to let go, haven't I?

I don't know
what to say, Grace.

Honestly, I don't.

You have let me down.

You've let Geoffrey down.

What's he got to
do with anything?

Don't be like that.

And what about Stella?

Poor, poor Stella.

Whatever happened to sisterhood?

Stella's a lesbian, mom.

Well, I'm not surprised she'sgone back to it after this.

She's never not
been a lesbian.

That's right, bury yourheads in the sand, young lady.

It doesn't change
what you've done.

I haven't done anything.

I'm not in love with Stellaand she's not in love with me.

Because she's
a bloody lesbian.

Because I love your daughter.

And I love Lower Sooth.

in fact, I'd willingly
move back with Grace

and build our life here.

You're coming home, Gracie?

Geoffrey.

Come on, girls.

Two minutes.

That was very impressive.

Although you didn't need to addthe but about us moving here.

It's a bit over the top.

I meant it.

OK, London's cold, but thisplace is me, the real me.

Do you know what I mean?

I want to live here
with you, Grace.

Get a little college by yourmom, have a load of kids,

and grow old together.

What do you think?

Who's the silver fox?

That's Lord
Piermont, Alexa's dad.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's such a pleasure

to see you here this eveningfor our annual La Bamba

Lager Solstice Celebration.

Before we begin, I'd like tothank our fabulous sponsor La

Bamba Lager, the
real taste of Mexico,

without whom our sacred
and ancient celebrations

would not have been possible.

A round of applause, please.

Everybody, clap.

I'd rather chop my own
hands off with a spoon.

Now it's time to revealwhich coven has been bestowed

with the highest
honor of officially

opening our Solstice Ceremony.

I wonder who it's
gonna be this year.

Ladies and gentlemen,please welcome to the stage

Surprise, surprise.

Nepotism rules.

He said us.

I can't believe it.

It's us.

Witches of Camden,
where are you?

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

And keeping with
ancient ceremony,

our chosen coven will now readthe words of the great one,

before sharing with us theirceremonial performance.

In your own time, please.

On this most sacred day, wecall upon our precious elements

earth, fire, water, and air.

And we thank them forbeing so fucking awesome.

Without their divine power,
our ancient community

would be nothing
more than a load

of yogurt-weaving, sack-wearing,ugly hippy wankshafts

with terrible dress sense andabsolutely no grip on reality.

It's a hex.

Somebody stop her now.

Be careful with it.

OMG, the sacred scroll.

Fuck.

Bunch of cock heads.

Spud asses!

Bellends!

Blasphemy.

This coven should
be banished forever.

Stop this treachery andbetrayal of sisterhood now.

I thought you weren'tcoming, you big, fat wanker.

I know.

This is the dark arts at work,a petty and malicious hex.

We must lift this hex.

Show's over, you
bunch of pricks.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Spirit great,
shine your light.

Spirit great, shine your light.

Spirit great.

This is a cheap trick,
Karina, even for you.

You got some nerve turningup here and calling me cheap.

I thought this was
forgotten years ago.

You've got one hour
to leave Lower Sooth,

or by the great spirits, you'llwish you'd never been born.

What' my mom ever done
to you, you old cow?

- Leave it, Hans.
- No.

I'm having herthreatening when you it's

got nothing to do with you.

Mommy, what is she
driveling on about?

I thought she was
a major alcopop.

Keep your mouth shut
or I'll decimate you.

I think it's time.

Time for what?

24 years ago, I did
a very stupid thing.

I'm warning you.

When I was working as acleaner for the Piermonts,

I had a very brief affair
with Karina's husband

and I became pregnant.

You were the light of my life.

When Karina found out, shebanished us from Lower Sooth.

That prick is my dad.

My life is ruined.

Get out of here.

Han.

You were brilliant.

Wankshaft.

Classic.

Mom, wait.

This is it then?

You're seriously gonna
just drop that bombshell

then piss off again?

Thanks.

Considerate as always.

I'm putting us both
in danger if I stay.

He's the married one.

Why are you still
being punished?

It's not fair.

They're too powerful.

Don't spend your
life fighting, love.

It's not worth it.

Poor, Han.

We should really go find her.

You know what I
thought we could do?

What?

Set up a band here.

I was talking to Geoffreyand he's up for it.

It'll never bring any moneyin, but I could do something--

My friend's life has justbeen turned upside down.

I don't care about
your stupid band.

I just excited, that's all.

New life and all that.

I don't want to
move back here, Gerry.

Why not?

Because I'm happy In
London, with the girls.

And you.

OK.

Really?

Yeah, no.

Of course.

As long as we're
together, right?

That's all that matters.

Jeremy Kyle, eat
your heart out.

Yeah, Alexa and
Hannah are sisters.

How is that even possible?

Life's full of surprises.

Your dad knows how
to give it some.

Yeah.

Pretty cool, isn't he?

Gerry looks happy.

What if the spell
didn't work because he's

meant to live in Lower Sooth?

What if I'm stopping himfrom fulfilling his destiny?

Gerry could fall
into a recycling bin

and think it's his destiny.

You get too hung up about him.

You two OK?

Yeah.

Great.

He's perfect.

My mom is leaving now.

Lovely to see
you, Mrs. Bright.

Five minutes and counting.

Don't worry.

I'm going.

I'll come to see you off.

I'm sorry we didn't
manage to find it.

Let's try lost property.

What?

Cheeky.

You know, sometimes I'm gladwe left when you were small.

I couldn't bear the idea ofus struggling to put food

on the table, seeing
that awful man

everyday, lavishing giftson Alexa and her inheriting

all his wealth.

It makes my skin crawl.

Mom, stay there
and don't move.

Where are you going?

I'll be back.

Promise me you
won't go anywhere.

Hello, Daddy.

I hardly think a five minuteroll in the hay with a member

of staff justifies that title.

Daddy, get her out of here.

Shut your trap.

Dada, for reals, are you gonnalet her talk to me like that?

I'm dealing with it, darling.

Too right you're dealingwith it, dick spin.

24 years too late, but now youare dealing with it big time.

Is that right?

Let me give you a
piece of advice.

Stay out of my way,before things turn nasty.

I'll happily stay out of yourlife forever, on one condition.

What did you say to Dada?

You stay away from
him, you mongrel.

You are nothing like us
and you never will be.

No.

I'm nothing like you Alexa.

Thank fuck.

But you the sad thing?

I reckon you're not
even that deep down.

I am totes bad, youcomplete and utter bitchoid.

You'll regret this,
you loathsome pig.

Don't start what
you can't finish.

I'll detonate you, yeah?

Our little home.

It's just how I remembered.

Well, it needs a bit
of work, but at least

now you've got your own place.

How did you get
him to agree to this?

I'm claiming what's
rightfully mine.

He hasn't got a leg to standon, every cloud and all that.

You will come and
visit me, won't you?

Try and stop me.

I knew you'd come.

I made you this?

Happy times.

Who's the little fat boy with--

Me.

It's me.

All right,
everyone, listen up,

I've had a word with
Lord P. and the VIP

Area has now been declassified.

So help yourself tobooze and happy Solstice.

Gerry.

I fucking love
your Mom, Gracie.

Great.

Morning.

Well, I don't know
what the Solstice is,

but I'd say that
was fucking special.

About average.

Honestly, best
night of my life.

Lower Sooth has stolen my heart.

Gerry, you should stay.

Yeah, maybe see if I cancatch a lift back tomorrow.

For good.

Can't fool your heart.

What about us?

I love you.

I love you too, but I thinkwe want different things.

Geoffrey says I
can crash at his.

Starting a band.

Unheard Berlin loot.

I'm Electric guitar.

Pagan rock fusion,
fuck things up a bit.

See what we come up with that.

Wow.

That will be interesting.

Shit.

I think I've been bitten.

I've got
some cream for that.

I think I was right, you know.

This is his destiny.

That's why the
spell didn't work.

You'll be all right, mate.

Come on.

You're the best girl
in the world, Grace.

Go on.

I'll-- I'll give you a shoutnext time I'm in London, yeah?

Just in case you see the band.

This is Tom's.

Can you do me a favor andgive it back to him for us?

So much Gloria making
us do a home blessing.

Didn't stop Alex, did it?

Turned out all
right in the end.

Yeah, but it's meant to--

My god.

Petals, just like in the woods.

We blessed the
flat by mistake.

No, not by mistake.

We said home, didn't we?

This is our home, girls.