Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 22 - Employee Appreciation Day - full transcript

Does anybody know what today is?

Your birthday?

All: Oh.

Happy birthday, Amy.

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- No.

- Happy birthday, Amy!
- May you live for another 45.

I am not 45, and it's not my birthday.

It's Employee Appreciation Day!

Whoo! Everybody get psyched!

What is Employee Appreciation Day?

It's symbolic.



I think it's a holiday in Canada.

Nope, it's our way of saying thank you

for all the amazing work
you do every day.

This store could not function
without you guys.

I mean, not you
specifically, obviously,

but labor of some sort.

Aww.

It's weird how Employee
Appreciation Day

always seems to fall right
around when people are

filling out their union cards.

Mm.

Anyway, we're gonna have little
special surprises all day long.

- We've got ice cream...
- all: Ooh.

- We've got a masseuse...
- all: Ooh.



And we've got Cloud 9
Frisbees for the kids.

And for those of you
who wanna join the union,

we've got collective bargaining rights,

higher wages, and job security.

Sorry, for the massages,
should we be in, like, a towel

or just totally buck naked?

Neither, fully clothed.

Clothed for the ice cream too?

Yes, everybody keep their clothes on.

It's ridiculous how often
I have to say that.

Speaking of clothes,
who wants a free T-shirt?

Ooh.

You missed me.

Attention shoppers, today is
Employee Appreciation Day,

and all of our associates
are getting free ice cream.

So if you're wondering why
everything's sticky,

that's one of the reasons.

Have you tried the Cloud
9 Corporate sundae?

What it is, is they give you

a very, very tiny bit of ice cream

with nothing on top and then
you just have to take it.

No, actually, I tried
the Union Surprise.

It's every flavor you could ever want

and every topping you
could ever dream of,

but then they shut down
the store and fire you,

and you get nothing.

It's probably not a popular flavor.

I can't believe you're
siding with corporate.

Jonah, what do you want me to do?

I want you to say [bleep]
corporate and be on our side.

They will shut down the store.
You know that.

So we'll get other stores involved.
They can't shut us all down.

Oh, okay, so now you're leading
a nationwide movement?

If not now, when?

Literally any other time.

Just not right when I finally have a
job that pays well and has a future.

Okay, so this is about
you saving your job?

Yeah, and everybody else's.

I mean, you might have nothing to lose,

but a lot of us can't just
say "[bleep] corporate,"

and risk everything, because Jonah
needs a cause to fight for.

You guys fighting?

- No.
- We're fine.

Guys, don't fight.

Yeah, that definitely looks infected.

I have to sleep face down
with a wet towel on my back.

This massage is gonna be torture.

Maybe you shouldn't get a massage.

It's a free massage.

I can't wait for union health care.

Did you know if you tell them you
have "migraines," they cover Botox?

My cousin went to Mexico,

and they injected cement into her face.

Still in there.

You can hear it rattle when she talks.

So, you guys are all
thinking about joining, huh?

It's just that, like,
I don't a union giving out

free ice cream and Frisbees, you know.

Yeah, but they give out other stuff.

The teachers at my
high school unionized,

and now there's literally nothing
they can do to get them fired.

Like, Mr. Lackman's still there,
and he's married to a sophomore.

I dated a Teamster, and he gets, like,

seven paid lunches a day.

Seems pretty cool to me.

If your skin was rotting,
you would smell it, right?

Hey, the whole store is
signing union cards.

- What?
- Yeah.

The cleaning crew thought they
were signing birthday cards,

but the signatures still count.

Then once Marcus went union,

all the warehouse guys followed him.

They actually consider
him to be a leader,

which I think is the most
disturbing part of all of this.

Well, we gotta do something.
What do we do?

I don't know. Show an anti-union video.

No, those videos are so dumb.

Yeah. Okay, what else could we do?

Cloud 9, a great place to shop

and a great place to work.

Everybody wants to be here,
including unions.

- So, when you were...
- Shh.

People are trying to watch.

But before you decide, there are...

Studies show that employees

at a non-union facility are

more engaged and happier.

Yeah! Don't try to come
between me and Cloud 9.

- That's my bae.
- Well said.

Not sure who I feel about
this new MC Cool Cloud.

Yeah, there's something
profoundly disturbing about

seeing a two-dimensional cartoon
character in three dimensions.

Like with "The Peanuts Movie."

I had no idea that Charlie Brown was

a bald child with a deformed head.

- It's like a bruised apple.
- I know.

No union better mess with my family.

Oh, MC Cool Cloud,
you're gonna be the best dad.

- Whoa!
- What?!

I'm sorry, did MC Cool Cloud
just impregnate a human?

I think he did.

Okay, does anybody have
any thoughts about the video?

I mean, I'm a little disappointed.

I thought you were
showing us "Paddington."

Uh, no, I never said...

I also heard it was gonna
be "Paddington."

I don't know where these
"Paddington" rumors got started.

I thought it was
a one-sided, fear-mongering

piece of corporate propaganda.

Well, nobody asked your opinion, so...

Oh, I thought you did when you said,

"Does anybody have
any thoughts on this video?"

Well, I found it
interesting to learn that

unions actually limit communication.

Good point, Dina.

It's like when you have a problem,

do you wanna be able
to come straight to me

or do you wanna have to go through
some shop steward like in the video?

Definitely you. That guy was a dick.

Where do I know him from?

Oh, he's in that rheumatoid
arthritis commercial

where he can't pick up
his grandkids and he's sad.

Oh, yeah, and then the dog
drops the ball at his feet,

and he just shakes his head
like, "Can't do it, buddy."

Aww.

So, if you can just help us
with our problems,

my hours keep getting cut,

and I don't make a livable wage.

Well, I do help you with that,
because I pay the rent.

- All: Oh!
- Oh, snap.

This is definitely better
than "Paddington."

All I'm saying is that
unions aren't always right,

and corporate isn't always wrong.

That's not what you said
when they made you come back

to work two days after having a baby.

Yeah, you were livin' la vida pissed.

I bet you get maternity
leave now, though.

Oh, yeah, there's a really
great plan for managers.

This isn't about me.

I'm never getting pregnant again, so...

Sure, but other people might
be... wait, never?

- I don't know.
- I mean, I don't know

- where this is going, but...
- I just-I haven't thought about it.

Yeah, I haven't thought about it
either, but it's a conversation

- we should have at some point.
- At some point, Jonah, not this point.

Livin' la vida awkward.

So you thought, "That first one killed."

I'm gonna go back to that well."

I don't understand the
obsession with procreation.

The whole planet's got,
like, maybe ten years left.

Just enjoy it.

Well, I care about maternity leave.

I'm not pregnant,
but I am in a relationship

that's going very well,
and we don't use protection.

Cut the crap, Sandra.

I know you're sleeping with Jerry.

- What?
- Whoa.

- What?
- I... I...

You broke the coin flip?

Why do we even have laws?

I guess Amy's not the only
hypocrite in the room.

Me? Why am I a hypocrite?

Because you're siding with the enemy.

Corporate is not the enemy.

Okay, and where are we
with the union stuff at 1217?

Well, assuming they petition the NLRB,

we'll get legal into it.

Good, keep me in the loop on that.

Keep me in the loop on that too.

Okay, Jeff.

And then it's all about
slowing down their momentum.

We're running background checks
on all the floor workers;

we've authorized ICE to do
a worksite enforcement.

We're trying to isolate the agitators.

ICE? You're bringing in ICE?

Wow, that's, uh, that's extreme.

Yeah, Jeff, that's why we're doing it.

It's extreme.

We're also starting a group

called Working Families
of Cloud 9 that I think...

I have to go to the bathroom.

You can just go.
You don't have to announce it.

Okay, it's diarrhea,

so I'm probably gonna
be gone for a while.

He makes me uncomfortable.

I don't understand how
Jerry is the man in the middle.

Am I picturing the right guy?

He's not trying to be sexy,
and that's what makes him sexy.

Jeff again.

It's, like, the fifth time in a row.

I honestly feel like calling someone is

one of the worst things
you can do to them.

I know, right?

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey... oh, Amy.

Thank God.

You know, you don't always have
to use video when you call.

- I like video. Is Mateo working today?
- Yep.

Listen, you have to get him
out of the store right now.

Mateo! Mateo!

ICE is coming!
Isn't it "winter is coming"?

Did you guys see the finale?

Nobody spoil it.
I've never watched the show.

No, I mean ICE, Immigration.
They're coming right now.

- Oh, my God!
- You have to leave.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what?

You knew? Why didn't you tell me?

It's not my secret.
It's Mateo's secret.

You told Jonah?
I thought that was between us.

You told Marcus too?

Wait, did you tell him
before you told me?

You shouldn't tell so many people.

Is there anybody else
you didn't tell or just me?

Hey, guys.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I gotta go.

Ooh, do you want your ice cream, Mateo?

Attention Cloud 9 employees:

were you born in a foreign country?

Have you overstayed a visa

or did you cross the border illegally?

Well, today is not your lucky day,

because ICE is here.

So stay tuned, because you can't leave.

I like to add a little color
in the announcements.

Fun for everybody.

There are two guards
on the loading dock.

Yeah, same with the side door.

Oh, God, we're trapped.

Guys, what about this?

You hide in here
with a bunch of mannequins.

Then if ICE looks in, all they see is

a bunch of arms and legs.

That's your brilliant plan,
me hiding in a trash compactor?

What if somebody pushes the button?

Oh, I could tape up a sign that says,

"Please don't operate trash compactor."

No. No, they'd notice that.

It's the fact that
only an idiot would hide

inside a working trash compactor
that plays in our favor.

Maybe we could hide you up on the roof.

And then what?

Well, and then, you know... phase two.

Whoa.

Sorry, my fingers are still
greasy from a salami rollup.

Don't worry.
I'll reset this, you'll get in.

It's gonna be fine.

Here I have my refugee
identity certificate,

my social security card,
driver's license,

electric bills proving my residence.

That's fine. That's fine.

And here are pictures of me
at the block party

in my mostly white neighborhood.

As you can see, everybody's smiling.

The community is embracing me.

So, uh, what's the process here?

Everyone should just go
about business as usual

while we run the socials
through the database.

If we spot any illegals,
we'll let you know.

Well, I don't think we have
any illegals working here.

Well, you never can tell.
They look just like you and me.

Well, you.

Ha-ha.

- What happened?
- They're going through payroll now.

I don't know how long it's gonna take,

but we have to get Mateo out now.

Not sure how happy corporate's
gonna be about you doing that.

Well, [bleep] corporate. I'm done.

Welcome back.

Obviously, we're not gonna
just let them take Mateo,

so somebody come up with something.

There are no bad ideas.

- What about if we get...
- Okay, Sandra.

Could you just stop it
with the wigs, please?

- Thank you.
- Okay, guys... guys.

I actually think I have something here.

"In the event of an ICE
enforcement action,

anyone who may be in violation
of U.S. immigration law

should immediately present themselves

to an officer for evaluation."

Super helpful.

Screw it. You can live with me.

I've been living in a
small utility room

in the back of the store
for several months.

What?

I bathe at night in the
employee bathroom,

- and I pee in jars.
- Ew.

Why wouldn't you just pee in
the bathroom?

'Cause I've been peeing in jars.

I would love to not spend
the rest of my life

living with you in a hole
in the back of the store,

but thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay, hiding Mateo
in the store won't work anyway.

They have sniffer dogs,
infrared scanners.

They bust through
windows, kick down doors,

come down through the ceiling...

I mean, it's weird.

Their entire job is just an
exercise in walls being useless.

Okay, so what are you suggesting, Dina?

That we just hand Mateo over to ICE?

I mean, no offense to Mateo, but
technically, he did commit a crime.

I'm just saying, if you get
caught sneaking into a movie,

they don't let you stay
for the rest of the movie.

It depends how much
of the movie you've watched.

Yeah, and what the movie is.

It's the greatest movie
you'll ever see.

It's called America.

Oh, "Ride Along 2" is
in my top ten, easy.

What if your parents
brought you to the movie

through no fault of your own?

Well, you'd still get kicked out.

I mean, yeah. Okay.

What if you were born
in the movie theater?

All right, why don't we take
a break from this metaphor?

Yes, please.

Guys, let's not forget that

Jesus was an immigrant from heaven.

- Oh, boy.
- Yeah.

And he had to go home too,
and it was not a fun trip.

Plus, it could not have been
easy being a white guy

in the Middle East.

What if we let you get
deported and then you can just

come back legally like Sayid?

Yeah, what was that
application process like?

Well, my country was in a civil war.

I applied for refugee status
and waited two years

for background checks
while all my friends

either died or fled persecution.

Sorry, I meant literally
what was the application like?

Did you do it online or was it
a snail mail situation?

- Snail mail.
- Oof, brutal.

I know.

We can paint your vest
the same color as your sweater,

so it'd make you look like
you're a customer.

Oh, we could just take off his vest.

That's basically what I just pitched.

Guys, that wouldn't work.

They're checking all the
customers' IDs before they leave.

I mean, if the store was more crowded,

we could try and slip him out,

but there are, like,
six customers here today.

Wait, what if we made it more crowded?

Just, like, pack the store with
people and then slipped him out.

You know what, if we hit
up everyone we know,

we could fill up the
store pretty quick.

Some of those people could
wear wigs if they wanted to.

Sandra!

Okay, well, this is
the best plan we've got.

So everybody call everyone
they've ever known.

Friends, family, whoever,
just get them here ASAP.

Actually, most of my friends
live in Manhattan,

so I don't think they'll
make it on time.

Yeah, okay. That's fine.

They're in fashion.
Mostly, they work in fashion.

Guys, "ICE" on three. One, two...

Why would we cheer for ICE?

I don't know, guys.

I'm sick of always
having to be the fun one.

Let's just... let's do this.

Wow, when everyone calls their
friends, this place really fills up.

Yeah, I called Jerusha, but she's busy.

She's doing a fundraiser to buy
Pastor Craig a second airplane.

Ugh, I wish all my friends
didn't live in Manhattan.

- Thank you for coming.
- Of course.

I'm always gonna be here for you.

- You're the best.
- You're the best.

No, you're the best.

I hate to say this because
they're close friends of mine,

but they're both human traffickers.

If you check her locker,
there's evidence.

Okay, we have to spread out the chaos.

Heather, if you could grab
all of your basketball friends

and go block the guy in pharmacy.

And, um... oh, Marcus.
Take all your friends...

My bro squad.

Yeah, whatever, and go swarm bedding.

Bro out.

And... oh, Kelly. You... Kelly!

What are you doing here?

- Oh, Jonah called me.
- Oh.

We said to call everyone.

I brought a bunch of people
from the Fenton store.

Oh, great. Awesome.

Good.

Uh, I just... I guess I didn't realize
you two were still in touch.

I mean, you know, we check in.

- We do too.
- No, we don't.

'Cause I don't have your number.

Okay, great. Cool, very cool.

Glad to have you on the team.

If you could just grab all your...

so were these, like,
texts or phone calls?

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Whoa.

Nice piece, dog.

What is it, like a Cougar Magnum?

- It's a Glock.
- Oh, nice.

Very nice. Could I try shooting that?

My gun? No.

Mm-mm. Oh, watch out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoop, whoop, whoop!

We didn't have any that said
"Make America Great Again."

The closest I could find was
"Fart Police."

Ugh, I'm just gonna wear this one.

How do I look?

Great.

I'm gonna miss working with you.

Chey, relax. I'm gonna get out.

Yeah, but even if you do make it out,
you can't come back now that they know.

Oh. Uh... yeah, of course.

Obviously... that would be the case.

And then at one pageant,

we heard this girl
gagging in the bathroom.

And we're all like, "Guess we
know how" she stays so slim."

Turns out, an actual strangler
had broken into the building

and was straight up
trying to murder her.

Well, she managed to fight him off

with a hot curling iron
and an eyebrow pencil.

She came in second.

So, the guy we're looking for is named

Mateo Fernando Aquino Liwanag.

- Liwanag?
- Yeah, it sounds Swedish.

Or Latvian.

- Mateo could be Mexican.
- Hey, you know what?

There is a guy here named Mark.
Maybe you're looking for him.

No, it's not Mark.

It's Mateo, and it says that he
has worked here for four years.

Well, I'm sorry.
I know everyone who has

ever worked here, and I have
never heard that name.

Okay.

Thanks.

So, who's this?

What the hell?

Um, that... I... have never
seen that picture before.

Feels like I'm in a horror movie.

Okay, just act natural.

I'm trying to,
but I forgot how to walk.

Oh, and now I forget.

- I think we're doing it right.
- Okay.

You're doing it.

There you are!

- They know about you.
- Both: What?

They saw your picture.
They know what you look like.

- We have to go now.
- Okay, well, where do we go?

- I don't know.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, listen to me very carefully.

- I'll get you out of there.
- Uh... repeat.

You've got agents coming your way
from menswear and electronics.

Make a left at aisle nine, and
we'll lose them in grocery.

- Thank you, Dina.
- Go, now!

You ever find yourself in a situation

where you're dating a girl
and you realize she's, like,

an immigrant or whatever,

and you gotta choose between
your love and your country?

- Hasn't come up.
- Ah.

You'd choose love, though.
Yeah, I can tell.

I know your type.

- Okay, keep walking.
- Come on.

All right, when you hit
the end of the aisle,

you're gonna need to head due west.

- Where?
- Left or right, Dina?

Left! Due west runs
diagonally through the store

from camping to customer service.

How do you not know that?

- Left.
- Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey!

- Oh!
- Oh, [bleep], there's someone.

- Run!
- Come on, come on, come on,

- come on, come on!
- Run!

They're heading north
through housewares.

Get out of there! Go! Go now!

So, everyone knows now?

Everyone knows.

Do you wanna get married?

Okay.

Okay, you guys need to keep going
straight through Bath & Beauty.

And we're gonna try and
make it all the way

to the end of the garden
section, all right?

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

Did you know that the capital
of Panama is Panama?

I can rap the entire
Central American countries.

I did it once for a talent competition.

♪ México D.F., México ♪

♪ Guatemala, Guatemala ♪

♪ Tegucigalpa, Honduras ♪

♪ San Salvador, El Salvador ♪

♪ San José, Costa Rica ♪

♪ Panamá, Panamá ♪

- Go!
- This way. Go, go, go!

- Wait, wait, wait.
- No, wait, stop!

Stop! Reverse course, turn around!

Okay, new plan.

Just make it to pharmacy.
You can hide out...

No, no, wait. Turn around.

Turn around, go back.
Go back the other way.

You could lose them
in housewares, I think.

Just book it!

Okay? Book it to the end!

This one. Go down here, down here.

Stop, stop, stop! No, wait, stop!

There's, like, 20 guys coming that way.

What?

No, stop! Stop, stop!

Now there's another one!
There's... hold on!

- Hold on.
- Dina, just tell us where to go.

Okay, hang on. Just wait.

Wait! I don't... I don't know.

They're... they're everywhere.

What?

I'm sorry.

- No!
- It's okay.

Okay, there's a vent up there.

We can climb up on the thing and...

Or we can create a diversion and
take off our tops while you go run.

- Yes, let's do that.
- Guys.

Stop, stop, guys!

It's okay.

It's over.

What do we do now?

I mean, we have to fight this.

How?

No idea.

Wanna start a union?