Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 22 - Town Hall - full transcript
As the store prepares to host a company-wide town hall meeting, Amy and Jonah are forced to put their conflicts aside and rally their co-workers to confront the CEO. Glenn struggles with the pressure of speaking to a global audience.
I've got three rules.
Don't date co-workers,
don't move in with
co-workers you date,
and don't dump co-workers
you live with and date.
Can I move back in with you?
Ugh.
So, Neil Penderson,
that's our CEO,
will speak first,
followed by Glenn,
and then Neil will take
a few more questions.
Let's try and remember
this event is going to be
live-streamed, so...
let's try to avoid anything
controversial, okay?
Laurie, by live-stream
do you mean in the
conventional sense,
like running water or...
No, I mean you're
going to be filmed
and then broadcast live
to all of our stores.
Oh!
I'm sorry, isn't the whole point
of a town hall that
you can ask anything?
Oh, no, Jonah, are you upset
because they told you
it was one thing then yanked
the rug out from under you?
Ohhhh.
When you say all of the stores,
do you mean all the stores in the St.
Louis area...
I mean all of our stores
across the globe.
So, Earth.
That's fun.
Ooh, I'm going to ask
what's the craziest
rich person thing
he's ever done.
I bet it's something like
blowing up a cow with a bazooka,
or hunting a person.
Oh, that dude's definitely
played the most dangerous game.
I'm... going to...
add that area to this list.
Uh, why can't we
talk about Myrtle?
Uh, because we had
to fire Myrtle.
So we don't need people asking
those kinds of questions.
What kind of questions?
You know, who knows?
We're not hiding anything,
so I really couldn't guess.
7.594 billion people.
How are we not sinking? I
feel like I'm sinking.
♪
Oh. Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing in here?
I'm guessing the
same thing as you?
Oh, right, 'cause you
know me so well.
Okay, fine, what Laurie said
about firing Myrtle was weird,
so I thought I'd check her file.
What are you doing?
Same thing.
Well, I think I can
handle it, so...
Well, you don't
know where it is.
It's alphabetical.
Do you know her last name?
Or were you just checking
under "M" for Myrtle.
She's in my phone
as "Myrtle Old."
Hmm. Yeah, check "O" for Old.
♪ Borderline ♪
♪ Feels like I'm going
to lose my mind ♪
That's too many of those things.
It's medicine. You
can't have too many.
Everything okay?
Do you know how many
countries we have stores in?
China, France, India, Mexico.
That's most of the
Small World ride.
Yeah, but the only people
who are going to see it
are Cloud 9 employees and the
customers that happen to be there.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
And even if there's, like,
a hundred people
watching in each store,
how many stores are
there world-wide?
I don't know, maybe 1,800.
Right, so that's like
only 180,000 people.
Which is actually a
large number of people.
You're not helping.
Repeated absences, bad
attitude, insubordination.
I'm surprised Myrtle
wasn't fired sooner.
No, look at these dates.
All of these are within
the last six months.
What... she just goes 30 years
without a single write-up
and overnight gets
bad at her job?
Well, she was not great.
No, I know, she's been
not great at her job
for 30 years, so why
all of a sudden
is Glenn writing her up?
It's not Glenn.
Jeff Sutton, Jeff
Sutton, Jeff Sutton.
Since when does a district
manager write up floor workers?
We have to talk to Jeff.
Or I have to talk to Jeff.
Well, I want to talk to him too.
Well, you can talk
to whoever you want.
I'm not in charge
of who you talk to.
Jonah's a jerk, by the way.
You deserve so much better.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
So what are we going
to do to him?
Revenge porn on the Internet?
Give his credit
card info to a bum?
Or...
maybe someone tells the
cops he's cooking meth.
Then, uh-oh, there's
an ounce of it
found in his sock drawer.
How'd that get there?
Wow, that's aggressive.
Or he's got two brothers.
Be a shame if something
happened to them.
Then he'd be all alone.
Well...
I'm just going to go...
Well let me know, Carol.
I've got nothing
to lose anymore.
Thank you for meeting with us.
Yeah, well, that's the beauty
of the ride-share game. I go
where I want when I want.
I meet tons of new people
and I get to listen
to what's on their
Spotify, and I love it,
and I'm really,
really loving it.
Cool. That's cool.
- Can we talk about Myrtle?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, okay, so, um...
There was a mandate to write up
any employee over the age of 70
to give us a pretext
for firing them, okay?
It didn't matter for what.
I once wrote Myrtle up
for wearing gang colors,
and I know she's not a Crip.
Why would they do that?
Old people are slower, they
have higher medical costs.
I was asking Jeff.
Um... that.
So, what you're saying is
Myrtle is now out there
collecting cans for coins
because you needed to
increase the bottom line.
Look, that's just the
corporate culture over there.
It's the mindset.
Anything is justified
as long as it saves a dollar.
Believe me, if there was something I
could do to change that, I would.
Well, maybe there is.
Hi! Are you Alejandro?
No, sorry.
Oh, sorry, wrong car.
Alejandro has five stars.
I'd love to meet him.
We can't let corporate
get away with this.
Yeah, if Myrtle can be fired just
because of her age then who's next?
Probably Dale.
I think Henry's older, actually.
It goes Henry,
Dale, Brett, Todd.
Dude, Todd's like 40.
Really? He looks bad for 40.
Have you seen his wife though?
Oh, she is so beautiful.
Okay, guys, can
we bring it back?
She's Nordic.
- Mm.
- Look, there is a plan.
It just means we all
have to work together.
- Right, exactly.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
So, you know how they're
going to live-stream
the town hall meeting
to the entire company?
Okay, so we're going to sneak
Jeff into that meeting.
And then, he's going to stand
up in front of the CEO,
and the cameras,
and say why Myrtle
was really fired.
Wait, you're asking us
to sign on for a plan
where Jeff is the key?
I mean, if it was any guy
named Jeff I'd be skeptical,
but he's not even one
of the top Jeffs.
I'm right here, guys.
I'm on the phone.
I stand by what I said.
Couldn't they just
say Jeff is lying?
Yes, except that an
e-mail went around
listing all the
employees over 70
and how much money the company
would save if they were fired.
I don't have access to the
corporate server anymore,
but Laurie would on her phone.
Bam, there's our proof.
And how are you going
to get her e-mail?
That is the part that we
have not figured out.
Okay, well, then I assume
you've figured out
how to get Jeff past security
or what to do if Laurie
or Neil recognize him.
Or how you're going to handle
them turning off the cameras
once Jeff starts speaking.
So those are the other parts that
we also haven't figured out yet.
Mm, solid plan.
I have to ask, is this the
best day to make waves?
Because I have to speak in front
of everyone on the planet.
Yeah, and do we even
want Myrtle back?
I mean, she kind of sucked.
Did someone say my name?
Could you just tell us ahead of
time who all's on the phone?
♪ If you're blue and you
don't know where to go ♪
♪ Then why don't you go
where fashion sits ♪
So are you sure being stuffed
in a box in Styrofoam is safe?
Yeah, it's totally safe.
They've done studies.
What kind of studies?
Okay, I'm going to chat up the
security guard to distract him
while you drive the
forklift into the store.
Um, I don't know how
to drive a forklift.
Maybe you could do it and I
could talk to the guard?
You have zero charisma.
How are you possibly going
to chat up a guard?
I'm a little worried I might
run out of oxygen in here.
On it.
Hey! No! Wait! Ahh!
There's your air
holes, princess.
Thank you.
Hey, Laurie.
Um, I made up this seating chart
for the meeting today.
I was going to do
it in height order
but then it got really
female heavy in...
None of this matters. I don't
care where people sit.
Okay wait, I have another
question for you.
Ah...
Are you a lesbian?
People always ask, how
do I get enough protein?
Well, I got two words for
you, beans and nuts.
I always tell people
I'm nuts about beans and
I'm beans about nuts.
I mean that second half
doesn't mean anything, but
it sounds like something.
It's more of a rhythm
thing, you know?
Just 'cause you were golfing
with another woman.
I mean, not that two women
can't go golfing together.
It just sort of felt like
there was a little bit
of a thing going on
between the two of you.
Anyway, if you're
single, my veterinarian
just broke up with
her girlfriend
and, um, you know...
there is that.
You can put cashew cheese
on pretty much anything.
And, I mean,
truthfully, right now,
we are in a nut cheese
renaissance, which is amazing.
There's so many different
options, it's just like...
She's really pretty. I
mean, at least I think so.
I don't really know
what your type is.
But we haven't really
quite established
whether or not you
are a lesbian,
'cause you're just
staring at me.
This is a conversation.
You can jump right in.
The water's warm.
You know what, this is
none of my business.
Yeah, not really.
You know what, my
daughter's principal
just came out, so
that's another option.
Just, back of mind.
I mean, they can
make milk out of
cashews, almonds, soy.
Then the grains, rice
milk, quinoa milk.
I mean how do you get
milk out of quinoa?
I have no idea about the
process, but it exists.
Ooh, we should disguise
Jeff as Lana Del Rey.
He already has long eyelashes.
Ooh, that is true, but they
still might recognize him.
- You think?
- Check it out.
I got this camera
patched into their feed
so if they stop filming
when Jeff starts talking,
this little bad boy keeps going.
Oh, I know, we could
give him a wig.
Yes! Chey, you are
such a genius.
Oh, stop it, you are the genius.
- You are.
- No.
You know what, it actually
was really tough to do.
I had to figure out how
to set up a router
to transmit into their signal.
Did someone ask you to do that?
I'm just trying to
be part of the plan.
Both: Aww...
Feels weird to just be scrolling
through someone's e-mails.
Can't you just search
some keywords?
Like what?
I don't know, ageism,
discrimination.
Oh, right, "Hey team, how's the
ageism" discrimination going?"
That's a good point.
Oh, Jane Austen Superfan
Convention Pics?
That's probably not it.
But, we should probably
open it just to be safe.
Yeah, let's not
take any chances.
Thanks.
Hey, so this is Glenn,
the general manager.
Glenn, I've heard
a lot about you.
You have? What did you hear?
It's just that there's
another Glenn
that works here and
people mix us up.
Oh.
Glenn is nice, though.
He's black.
Not... not "he's nice,
though he's black."
Just he's very nice
and very black.
Maybe it would help if I did
an impression of him for you.
Yo, yo, Glenn, my man,
can I get five...
That's not necessary.
We're good. Thank you.
- He knows his people.
- He's great.
Not to be critical, Cheyenne,
but I feel stupid.
I think you look like
a hot, skinny Hagrid.
Ooh...
That I can work with.
Harry, 'ello Harry.
Get me some eye of newt, Harry!
Good, right?
Hey, okay, they haven't
found the e-mail yet.
- What?
- Don't worry.
They're going to get it to
you during the meeting.
Don't freak out. You're
going to be fine.
You look incredibly stupid.
Thank you.
As you all know,
a year ago this store
was hit by a tornado.
But they rebuilt.
And the man leading
that rebuilding
is a man who represents
the best of Cloud 9,
Glenn Sturgis!
Here you go, Glenn.
Thank you, Neil.
You know, I love this store.
Cloud 9 is more than just...
I'm sure it's hard
to find the words.
But let me just say on
behalf of all of us...
That wasn't me.
I know. No, it's fine.
It was him.
So if you're laughing, you
are laughing at our CEO.
I'm... I'm sorry, Neil, go on.
Um, okay.
Okay, and, um, just for
the record it wasn't...
you know what, doesn't matter.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
You had a human moment.
Could have happened to anyone.
This time it was you.
I'm not the one who farted.
Then how do you
know what happened?
For someone who's so innocent,
you sure seem to have
a lot of information.
- You're the one who farted.
- You farted.
- No, you...
- You farted!
Thank you, Glenn.
- He farted.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Right on me, and then I
dragged it over here.
Did you find anything yet?
Well, she Postmated
three times last night.
Whoa. What's the story there?
- We don't have a lot of time.
- Oh, right.
Oh, okay, minimizing costs by
downsizing legacy employees.
Yeah, that. Pr... that.
Print that.
On it. Print.
Wait, she Postmated
ramen this morning?
Ugh, what's going on with her?
Hi, I am interested in your
decision-making process
for new products.
Ah, great question.
We like to pay...
Let's just say I'm
an entrepreneur,
which I am.
I am the founder and CEO
of Boob Cheese,
cheese from humans.
Now, breast milk is...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
To the meeting.
No, it's already started. I
can't let anyone through.
This is obviously going
to be a game-changer.
Lots of stores that this
would be a great fit for,
such as, for example,
Target, Wal-Mart, Costco.
No, but... but
we'll be so quiet,
and... and we've really been
looking forward to this.
Besides, I think there are
some seats in the back.
Well, you'd have to
walk past the cameras
to get there, so if
you can figure out
a way to like teleport there,
or tunnel underneath,
be my guest.
I'm sorry, are you asking me
to carry human cheese
in our stores?
Oh! I hadn't really...
This is unexpected.
Yes! Yes! Why not? Let's do it!
Laurie, I promise
nobody will notice us.
No... no... no,
Jonah, it's okay.
We're fine. We're cool.
We cool?
The tunnel.
The tunnel.
Well, I think if you
buy three packs
of hot dogs and
four packs of buns,
you should have
the right amount.
All right, thank you.
Well, you know,
I can't think of a better
way to end than that.
So I want to thank you for...
No, wait, I have a question!
Uh... oh.
I guess we have
time for one more.
Oh.
One last question, huh?
Guess I better make
it a good one then.
Ah...
How...
do...
Oh, , Garrett says
they're wrapping up.
- We got to go.
- Oh.
I was born right here
in St. Louis,
and as you might know,
St. Louis was originally
established as a hub
for river-based trade.
What are you doing?
I'm just telling Garrett
we're hurrying.
Well, don't text it.
Just do the hurrying.
♪ Oh Danny ♪
♪ Boy I love you ♪
♪ So ♪
And that was my
great-great grandfather.
He's not relevant to this.
Ugh, I touched rat droppings.
I need to wash my hands.
There's no time! Just
don't touch your face.
No! Now that's all I want to do.
So, I'm 18,
and I've woken up in
Wahaca, covered in furs.
You know what? Never mind.
My question was about
self-checkouts,
and I just remembered you
already answered it earlier.
So I'm going to yield my time.
Thank you.
Well, this has been great.
I want to thank you all...
Hold on!
I've got a question.
Look, I'm really glad
to see all this excitement
from our employees...
No, I'm not an employee.
It's me!
Jeff Sutton!
Oh, right, I forgot
for a second.
I'm sorry, I don't...
Jeff Sutton.
I was the district
manager before Laurie.
I worked with you for 12 years.
At the counter, I got your latte
that time and you got my tea.
Hmm.
You know what? It
doesn't matter.
It's not about me.
It's about another
former employee
named Myrtle Vartanian.
Okay, you know what?
I think we're really
out of time here.
Who's Myrtle Vartanian?
Myrtle is one of our more
experienced employees who
was unfortunately let go
due to performance issues.
Except it wasn't because
of performance issues.
Oh! Jeff Sutton!
Well, of course I remember you.
Always drinking tea.
Yes! Jeff Sutton, that's me.
What is this? What's happening?
It's not good.
Myrtle.
Yeah! Myrtle was an
employee here, and...
You know what? If I
could ever persuade you
to come back to Cloud 9,
we could definitely use a
guy like you in Chicago.
Chicago?
Hmm. Wow.
- No, Jeff, no, no, no, no.
- Yep.
Anyway, you know
what, I'm sorry.
I interrupted you, didn't I?
What were you saying
about Myrtle?
Myrtle was a gang member,
and that's the reason
we had to let her go.
That's why you never
trust a Jeff.
♪
What a weasel!
Jeff or Neil?
Jeff! And Neil!
And Laurie, too.
Just a whole company of weasels.
Yeah.
And you know what
the worst part is?
Myrtle?
Yeah, of course, Myrtle.
You know what the
second worst part is?
Huh?
That I was stupid
enough to think
something might actually
work out in this store.
I always kind of feel like
things are going to work out.
Yeah, you do, don't you?
What's wrong with you?
Hey! There's my team.
Oh, nice suit.
Is that from our Benedict
Arnold Collection?
Look, I know how this
promotion might look,
but believe me when I tell you
this is a good thing
for all of us.
How is you selling
out good for us?
Because now you have a man
on the inside, at the top.
The inside top, that's
where you want to be.
So, now you're going
to use your power
to help Myrtle get her job back?
Exactly. Probably.
I mean, we don't want to rock
the boat too much at first.
Guys, we're playing
the long game here.
I will see you at home.
Great job today!
Chill.
I hope he enjoys his
job with CEO Neil Farterson.
'Cause he farted.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Hey.
So are we okay?
Look...
Uh, why don't we
just start over?
Fresh start?
Fresh start.
All right, so...
♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
♪ Get down ♪
♪ Take it away ♪
♪
Oh, my God. How many
buttons do you have?
A lot.
♪ Start taking care
of their own ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ So we gotta stand up if
you're out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
Wait, do I need a...
No, I'm already pregnant.
Oh, right, that's awesome.
- Yeah!
- Great.
♪ Oh you gotta stand up ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ We're living for
this feeling ♪
♪ We've got nowhere to go ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
Hey guys, look what's on.
Don't date co-workers,
don't move in with
co-workers you date,
and don't dump co-workers
you live with and date.
Can I move back in with you?
Ugh.
So, Neil Penderson,
that's our CEO,
will speak first,
followed by Glenn,
and then Neil will take
a few more questions.
Let's try and remember
this event is going to be
live-streamed, so...
let's try to avoid anything
controversial, okay?
Laurie, by live-stream
do you mean in the
conventional sense,
like running water or...
No, I mean you're
going to be filmed
and then broadcast live
to all of our stores.
Oh!
I'm sorry, isn't the whole point
of a town hall that
you can ask anything?
Oh, no, Jonah, are you upset
because they told you
it was one thing then yanked
the rug out from under you?
Ohhhh.
When you say all of the stores,
do you mean all the stores in the St.
Louis area...
I mean all of our stores
across the globe.
So, Earth.
That's fun.
Ooh, I'm going to ask
what's the craziest
rich person thing
he's ever done.
I bet it's something like
blowing up a cow with a bazooka,
or hunting a person.
Oh, that dude's definitely
played the most dangerous game.
I'm... going to...
add that area to this list.
Uh, why can't we
talk about Myrtle?
Uh, because we had
to fire Myrtle.
So we don't need people asking
those kinds of questions.
What kind of questions?
You know, who knows?
We're not hiding anything,
so I really couldn't guess.
7.594 billion people.
How are we not sinking? I
feel like I'm sinking.
♪
Oh. Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing in here?
I'm guessing the
same thing as you?
Oh, right, 'cause you
know me so well.
Okay, fine, what Laurie said
about firing Myrtle was weird,
so I thought I'd check her file.
What are you doing?
Same thing.
Well, I think I can
handle it, so...
Well, you don't
know where it is.
It's alphabetical.
Do you know her last name?
Or were you just checking
under "M" for Myrtle.
She's in my phone
as "Myrtle Old."
Hmm. Yeah, check "O" for Old.
♪ Borderline ♪
♪ Feels like I'm going
to lose my mind ♪
That's too many of those things.
It's medicine. You
can't have too many.
Everything okay?
Do you know how many
countries we have stores in?
China, France, India, Mexico.
That's most of the
Small World ride.
Yeah, but the only people
who are going to see it
are Cloud 9 employees and the
customers that happen to be there.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
And even if there's, like,
a hundred people
watching in each store,
how many stores are
there world-wide?
I don't know, maybe 1,800.
Right, so that's like
only 180,000 people.
Which is actually a
large number of people.
You're not helping.
Repeated absences, bad
attitude, insubordination.
I'm surprised Myrtle
wasn't fired sooner.
No, look at these dates.
All of these are within
the last six months.
What... she just goes 30 years
without a single write-up
and overnight gets
bad at her job?
Well, she was not great.
No, I know, she's been
not great at her job
for 30 years, so why
all of a sudden
is Glenn writing her up?
It's not Glenn.
Jeff Sutton, Jeff
Sutton, Jeff Sutton.
Since when does a district
manager write up floor workers?
We have to talk to Jeff.
Or I have to talk to Jeff.
Well, I want to talk to him too.
Well, you can talk
to whoever you want.
I'm not in charge
of who you talk to.
Jonah's a jerk, by the way.
You deserve so much better.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
So what are we going
to do to him?
Revenge porn on the Internet?
Give his credit
card info to a bum?
Or...
maybe someone tells the
cops he's cooking meth.
Then, uh-oh, there's
an ounce of it
found in his sock drawer.
How'd that get there?
Wow, that's aggressive.
Or he's got two brothers.
Be a shame if something
happened to them.
Then he'd be all alone.
Well...
I'm just going to go...
Well let me know, Carol.
I've got nothing
to lose anymore.
Thank you for meeting with us.
Yeah, well, that's the beauty
of the ride-share game. I go
where I want when I want.
I meet tons of new people
and I get to listen
to what's on their
Spotify, and I love it,
and I'm really,
really loving it.
Cool. That's cool.
- Can we talk about Myrtle?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, okay, so, um...
There was a mandate to write up
any employee over the age of 70
to give us a pretext
for firing them, okay?
It didn't matter for what.
I once wrote Myrtle up
for wearing gang colors,
and I know she's not a Crip.
Why would they do that?
Old people are slower, they
have higher medical costs.
I was asking Jeff.
Um... that.
So, what you're saying is
Myrtle is now out there
collecting cans for coins
because you needed to
increase the bottom line.
Look, that's just the
corporate culture over there.
It's the mindset.
Anything is justified
as long as it saves a dollar.
Believe me, if there was something I
could do to change that, I would.
Well, maybe there is.
Hi! Are you Alejandro?
No, sorry.
Oh, sorry, wrong car.
Alejandro has five stars.
I'd love to meet him.
We can't let corporate
get away with this.
Yeah, if Myrtle can be fired just
because of her age then who's next?
Probably Dale.
I think Henry's older, actually.
It goes Henry,
Dale, Brett, Todd.
Dude, Todd's like 40.
Really? He looks bad for 40.
Have you seen his wife though?
Oh, she is so beautiful.
Okay, guys, can
we bring it back?
She's Nordic.
- Mm.
- Look, there is a plan.
It just means we all
have to work together.
- Right, exactly.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
So, you know how they're
going to live-stream
the town hall meeting
to the entire company?
Okay, so we're going to sneak
Jeff into that meeting.
And then, he's going to stand
up in front of the CEO,
and the cameras,
and say why Myrtle
was really fired.
Wait, you're asking us
to sign on for a plan
where Jeff is the key?
I mean, if it was any guy
named Jeff I'd be skeptical,
but he's not even one
of the top Jeffs.
I'm right here, guys.
I'm on the phone.
I stand by what I said.
Couldn't they just
say Jeff is lying?
Yes, except that an
e-mail went around
listing all the
employees over 70
and how much money the company
would save if they were fired.
I don't have access to the
corporate server anymore,
but Laurie would on her phone.
Bam, there's our proof.
And how are you going
to get her e-mail?
That is the part that we
have not figured out.
Okay, well, then I assume
you've figured out
how to get Jeff past security
or what to do if Laurie
or Neil recognize him.
Or how you're going to handle
them turning off the cameras
once Jeff starts speaking.
So those are the other parts that
we also haven't figured out yet.
Mm, solid plan.
I have to ask, is this the
best day to make waves?
Because I have to speak in front
of everyone on the planet.
Yeah, and do we even
want Myrtle back?
I mean, she kind of sucked.
Did someone say my name?
Could you just tell us ahead of
time who all's on the phone?
♪ If you're blue and you
don't know where to go ♪
♪ Then why don't you go
where fashion sits ♪
So are you sure being stuffed
in a box in Styrofoam is safe?
Yeah, it's totally safe.
They've done studies.
What kind of studies?
Okay, I'm going to chat up the
security guard to distract him
while you drive the
forklift into the store.
Um, I don't know how
to drive a forklift.
Maybe you could do it and I
could talk to the guard?
You have zero charisma.
How are you possibly going
to chat up a guard?
I'm a little worried I might
run out of oxygen in here.
On it.
Hey! No! Wait! Ahh!
There's your air
holes, princess.
Thank you.
Hey, Laurie.
Um, I made up this seating chart
for the meeting today.
I was going to do
it in height order
but then it got really
female heavy in...
None of this matters. I don't
care where people sit.
Okay wait, I have another
question for you.
Ah...
Are you a lesbian?
People always ask, how
do I get enough protein?
Well, I got two words for
you, beans and nuts.
I always tell people
I'm nuts about beans and
I'm beans about nuts.
I mean that second half
doesn't mean anything, but
it sounds like something.
It's more of a rhythm
thing, you know?
Just 'cause you were golfing
with another woman.
I mean, not that two women
can't go golfing together.
It just sort of felt like
there was a little bit
of a thing going on
between the two of you.
Anyway, if you're
single, my veterinarian
just broke up with
her girlfriend
and, um, you know...
there is that.
You can put cashew cheese
on pretty much anything.
And, I mean,
truthfully, right now,
we are in a nut cheese
renaissance, which is amazing.
There's so many different
options, it's just like...
She's really pretty. I
mean, at least I think so.
I don't really know
what your type is.
But we haven't really
quite established
whether or not you
are a lesbian,
'cause you're just
staring at me.
This is a conversation.
You can jump right in.
The water's warm.
You know what, this is
none of my business.
Yeah, not really.
You know what, my
daughter's principal
just came out, so
that's another option.
Just, back of mind.
I mean, they can
make milk out of
cashews, almonds, soy.
Then the grains, rice
milk, quinoa milk.
I mean how do you get
milk out of quinoa?
I have no idea about the
process, but it exists.
Ooh, we should disguise
Jeff as Lana Del Rey.
He already has long eyelashes.
Ooh, that is true, but they
still might recognize him.
- You think?
- Check it out.
I got this camera
patched into their feed
so if they stop filming
when Jeff starts talking,
this little bad boy keeps going.
Oh, I know, we could
give him a wig.
Yes! Chey, you are
such a genius.
Oh, stop it, you are the genius.
- You are.
- No.
You know what, it actually
was really tough to do.
I had to figure out how
to set up a router
to transmit into their signal.
Did someone ask you to do that?
I'm just trying to
be part of the plan.
Both: Aww...
Feels weird to just be scrolling
through someone's e-mails.
Can't you just search
some keywords?
Like what?
I don't know, ageism,
discrimination.
Oh, right, "Hey team, how's the
ageism" discrimination going?"
That's a good point.
Oh, Jane Austen Superfan
Convention Pics?
That's probably not it.
But, we should probably
open it just to be safe.
Yeah, let's not
take any chances.
Thanks.
Hey, so this is Glenn,
the general manager.
Glenn, I've heard
a lot about you.
You have? What did you hear?
It's just that there's
another Glenn
that works here and
people mix us up.
Oh.
Glenn is nice, though.
He's black.
Not... not "he's nice,
though he's black."
Just he's very nice
and very black.
Maybe it would help if I did
an impression of him for you.
Yo, yo, Glenn, my man,
can I get five...
That's not necessary.
We're good. Thank you.
- He knows his people.
- He's great.
Not to be critical, Cheyenne,
but I feel stupid.
I think you look like
a hot, skinny Hagrid.
Ooh...
That I can work with.
Harry, 'ello Harry.
Get me some eye of newt, Harry!
Good, right?
Hey, okay, they haven't
found the e-mail yet.
- What?
- Don't worry.
They're going to get it to
you during the meeting.
Don't freak out. You're
going to be fine.
You look incredibly stupid.
Thank you.
As you all know,
a year ago this store
was hit by a tornado.
But they rebuilt.
And the man leading
that rebuilding
is a man who represents
the best of Cloud 9,
Glenn Sturgis!
Here you go, Glenn.
Thank you, Neil.
You know, I love this store.
Cloud 9 is more than just...
I'm sure it's hard
to find the words.
But let me just say on
behalf of all of us...
That wasn't me.
I know. No, it's fine.
It was him.
So if you're laughing, you
are laughing at our CEO.
I'm... I'm sorry, Neil, go on.
Um, okay.
Okay, and, um, just for
the record it wasn't...
you know what, doesn't matter.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
You had a human moment.
Could have happened to anyone.
This time it was you.
I'm not the one who farted.
Then how do you
know what happened?
For someone who's so innocent,
you sure seem to have
a lot of information.
- You're the one who farted.
- You farted.
- No, you...
- You farted!
Thank you, Glenn.
- He farted.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Right on me, and then I
dragged it over here.
Did you find anything yet?
Well, she Postmated
three times last night.
Whoa. What's the story there?
- We don't have a lot of time.
- Oh, right.
Oh, okay, minimizing costs by
downsizing legacy employees.
Yeah, that. Pr... that.
Print that.
On it. Print.
Wait, she Postmated
ramen this morning?
Ugh, what's going on with her?
Hi, I am interested in your
decision-making process
for new products.
Ah, great question.
We like to pay...
Let's just say I'm
an entrepreneur,
which I am.
I am the founder and CEO
of Boob Cheese,
cheese from humans.
Now, breast milk is...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?
To the meeting.
No, it's already started. I
can't let anyone through.
This is obviously going
to be a game-changer.
Lots of stores that this
would be a great fit for,
such as, for example,
Target, Wal-Mart, Costco.
No, but... but
we'll be so quiet,
and... and we've really been
looking forward to this.
Besides, I think there are
some seats in the back.
Well, you'd have to
walk past the cameras
to get there, so if
you can figure out
a way to like teleport there,
or tunnel underneath,
be my guest.
I'm sorry, are you asking me
to carry human cheese
in our stores?
Oh! I hadn't really...
This is unexpected.
Yes! Yes! Why not? Let's do it!
Laurie, I promise
nobody will notice us.
No... no... no,
Jonah, it's okay.
We're fine. We're cool.
We cool?
The tunnel.
The tunnel.
Well, I think if you
buy three packs
of hot dogs and
four packs of buns,
you should have
the right amount.
All right, thank you.
Well, you know,
I can't think of a better
way to end than that.
So I want to thank you for...
No, wait, I have a question!
Uh... oh.
I guess we have
time for one more.
Oh.
One last question, huh?
Guess I better make
it a good one then.
Ah...
How...
do...
Oh, , Garrett says
they're wrapping up.
- We got to go.
- Oh.
I was born right here
in St. Louis,
and as you might know,
St. Louis was originally
established as a hub
for river-based trade.
What are you doing?
I'm just telling Garrett
we're hurrying.
Well, don't text it.
Just do the hurrying.
♪ Oh Danny ♪
♪ Boy I love you ♪
♪ So ♪
And that was my
great-great grandfather.
He's not relevant to this.
Ugh, I touched rat droppings.
I need to wash my hands.
There's no time! Just
don't touch your face.
No! Now that's all I want to do.
So, I'm 18,
and I've woken up in
Wahaca, covered in furs.
You know what? Never mind.
My question was about
self-checkouts,
and I just remembered you
already answered it earlier.
So I'm going to yield my time.
Thank you.
Well, this has been great.
I want to thank you all...
Hold on!
I've got a question.
Look, I'm really glad
to see all this excitement
from our employees...
No, I'm not an employee.
It's me!
Jeff Sutton!
Oh, right, I forgot
for a second.
I'm sorry, I don't...
Jeff Sutton.
I was the district
manager before Laurie.
I worked with you for 12 years.
At the counter, I got your latte
that time and you got my tea.
Hmm.
You know what? It
doesn't matter.
It's not about me.
It's about another
former employee
named Myrtle Vartanian.
Okay, you know what?
I think we're really
out of time here.
Who's Myrtle Vartanian?
Myrtle is one of our more
experienced employees who
was unfortunately let go
due to performance issues.
Except it wasn't because
of performance issues.
Oh! Jeff Sutton!
Well, of course I remember you.
Always drinking tea.
Yes! Jeff Sutton, that's me.
What is this? What's happening?
It's not good.
Myrtle.
Yeah! Myrtle was an
employee here, and...
You know what? If I
could ever persuade you
to come back to Cloud 9,
we could definitely use a
guy like you in Chicago.
Chicago?
Hmm. Wow.
- No, Jeff, no, no, no, no.
- Yep.
Anyway, you know
what, I'm sorry.
I interrupted you, didn't I?
What were you saying
about Myrtle?
Myrtle was a gang member,
and that's the reason
we had to let her go.
That's why you never
trust a Jeff.
♪
What a weasel!
Jeff or Neil?
Jeff! And Neil!
And Laurie, too.
Just a whole company of weasels.
Yeah.
And you know what
the worst part is?
Myrtle?
Yeah, of course, Myrtle.
You know what the
second worst part is?
Huh?
That I was stupid
enough to think
something might actually
work out in this store.
I always kind of feel like
things are going to work out.
Yeah, you do, don't you?
What's wrong with you?
Hey! There's my team.
Oh, nice suit.
Is that from our Benedict
Arnold Collection?
Look, I know how this
promotion might look,
but believe me when I tell you
this is a good thing
for all of us.
How is you selling
out good for us?
Because now you have a man
on the inside, at the top.
The inside top, that's
where you want to be.
So, now you're going
to use your power
to help Myrtle get her job back?
Exactly. Probably.
I mean, we don't want to rock
the boat too much at first.
Guys, we're playing
the long game here.
I will see you at home.
Great job today!
Chill.
I hope he enjoys his
job with CEO Neil Farterson.
'Cause he farted.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Hey.
So are we okay?
Look...
Uh, why don't we
just start over?
Fresh start?
Fresh start.
All right, so...
♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
♪ Get down ♪
♪ Take it away ♪
♪
Oh, my God. How many
buttons do you have?
A lot.
♪ Start taking care
of their own ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ So we gotta stand up if
you're out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up if you're
out in the crowd ♪
♪ Get down, make
the doctor proud ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
Wait, do I need a...
No, I'm already pregnant.
Oh, right, that's awesome.
- Yeah!
- Great.
♪ Oh you gotta stand up ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ We're living for
this feeling ♪
♪ We've got nowhere to go ♪
♪ Stand up ♪
Hey guys, look what's on.