Superstore (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Back to School - full transcript

♪

Evening. What can I get you?

Oh, just the usual.

Another long haul tonight?

Oh, roger that, little honey.

You know, talking on the CB,

you know, pulling the little
string to beep the horn.

You know, uh, you've
been coming in here

every night since
I started here,

so I just wanted to let you know

that tonight is my last night.



Really? Uh, where you going?

Back to my old job. This
was just temporary.

A few months ago,

a coworker and I were
suspended for...

I don't need to
hear the details!

Thank you.

I've got this manager,

great guy.

Aw.

I bet he misses you.

I bet he would
have done anything

to see you while you were gone.

He was allowed to see
me if he wanted.

Yeah... better safe than sorry.



You know, um...

Well, I better get
back to the big rig.

You know, the road is calling.

Thanks for the company.

Yep, and, um...

thank you for always
tipping 20 bucks

on a $2 coffee that
you never drink.

Yeah... ten-four, good buddy.

Hope I get to see you
around sometime.

Who knows?

Might be sooner than you think.

♪

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers...

it's "back to school" time,

so check out our
discounts on notebooks,

pencils, art supplies, rulers,

dictionaries, weekly
planners, and calculators.

Or you guys can just use your
phones for all that stuff.

At least Black
Friday's only a day.

This... this is two weeks

of watching ugly
kids try on pants.

And I cannot wait
for all the crap

we're gonna get
for our sex tape.

Was it a sex tape?

'Cause it wasn't on tape.

It was more like a sex stream.

Oh no, sex stream
is something else.

That involves a
stepladder and a tarp.

Everyone's gonna be like,

"Oh, better keep these two
out of the photo lab."

Or like, "Uh, why aren't
you guys together now?"

Is that supposed to be me?

What? No.

Oh, okay.

Why aren't you
guys together now?

Like, if some dummy
asks that question...

what would you say to her?

I don't know... for starters,

the fact that I'm
extremely pregnant

with my ex-husband's child
is not a great time

to start a new relationship.

I'm not letting my
pregnancy slow me down.

I'm banging my way through my
whole indoor-soccer team...

and the refs.

If you do decide
to have sex again,

just check for cameras.

We're not...

Or have sex on a green sheet.

That way, you can
superimpose yourself

doing it on a magic
carpet or in outer space.

Bo did that for our anniversary.

The bed of my truck
is always available.

I'm happy to drive
around the whole time.

Less likely somebody
will film you.

These are all excellent
ideas, thank you.

So Amy and Jonah are back.

That's got to be a real
kick in your crotch.

No, it's fine.

I mean, I thought that
it would feel weird

to see Jonah again,

but I actually think
that I'm over it.

You're over it.

That's boring.

Uh...

thanks for checking in, though!

♪

Okay. So, Sara, I need you to
keep cycling out the bins.

Mateo, if you could move
salvage off the floor,

you can just stick it in the...

in the p-photo lab.

Photo lab. Okay, you got it.

Okay. Um...

Carol and Justine, I'm moving
you to school supplies.

We need to keep everything
organized this year,

or we're gonna get screwed.

Okay. Sorry, that was a
poor choice of words.

- School supplies! Got it.
- Sure thing, Amy.

Okay...

Um...

let's just make sure that everything
is restocked at all times.

We... we don't want to get
caught with our pants down.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Huh.

What's so funny?

No, nothing's funny.
Nothing's funny.

This is going so much
better than I thought.

You're literally just reading
words off a clipboard.

Oh, hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Have you met J-Bone?

Oh, we're calling
you J-Bone now?

This makes me happy.

- This guy shreds ass.
- Mm-hmm.

You want to learn how to shred
ass, you go see J-Bone.

I-I'm not... there's...
better people.

Hey! So give us the
scoop, J-Bone.

Sex with Amy, was it awesome?

You know, I...

we don't really need
to talk about this.

Why? 'Cause the sex sucked?

It did kind of look
like it sucked.

No, it didn't suck. It...

Yeah! I knew it! I
knew it didn't suck!

Oh, yeah! Yeah, baby!

- You get it, girl.
- Yeah! In and out!

Your body is a wonderland!

You're enjoying this
sex, aren't you?

Mateo!

Ugh. He's back.

Oh, he's such a thirsty bitch.

I know...

Hey, there he is!

At first, I was like, "Is
that Mateo or the Rock?"

Hi, Jeff.

What brings you to the store...
again?

Yeah, for someone who
works at corporate,

you're here a lot.

Well, I'm not gonna
forget about my peeps

just 'cause I got promoted.

I mean, I can still
stop by now and then.

Isn't it, like, a five-hour
drive from Chicago?

Not on a corporate jet.

Which I didn't take this time,

but I have seen the
corporate jet.

Really cool wings.

Anyway, uh, if you guys ever
wanted to come visit me,

I'd love to show you
around Chi-Town.

They've got some great
museums, I think,

and, you know, if
it's a fun night,

I've got a big place,
you could stay over...

Jeff, I've moved on.

Okay, I've moved on, too.

God, get over yourself.

I am doing very well.

So, anyways, let me give
you guys my business card.

Just give me a call for... any
reason is fine, of course.

I'm always here to help.

Are you not gonna...

Only 'cause if...

I get a finite amount,
and they eventually...

It starts to come
out of my paycheck.

You know, I'm gonna go ahead
and take it back now. Okay.

Well, well, look at
you, back at it, huh?

God, no one can stack things
in a pile like my gal Amy.

You know, I thought
it was going to be

nonstop people talking about the...
incident.

But no one's even mentioning it.

Of course not.

There's no need for people
to bring up something

that you're already
embarrassed about.

Yeah, but when we found out

Gene was having sex
on his lunch break,

people called him
Sex-Ma-Gene for a year.

I mean, it barely made
sense, but it stuck.

Yeah. I know, but come
on, that's different,

Sex-Ma-Gene's a guy. It's
less embarrassing for him.

Um... that's... that's sexist.

No. No. No, no, no,
I-I did not mean that

in a sexist way.

What you're saying is that

no one is talking to me
about the whole sex thing

because they think, as a woman,

I must be filled
with shame about it.

Maybe...

or maybe I'm wrong!

I don't know. I mean,
things are changing.

I haven't really caught up
with this whole MeToo thing.

All I know is that one day
Charlie Rose was there,

and the next day he wasn't.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Are people talking to
you about the sex tape?

Oh, my God, it's nonstop.

No one has said anything to me.

Oh. That's cool.

No. It sucks.

But I thought you don't want
people to talk about it.

I don't.

- And people aren't talking about it.
- Right...

So... you win?

No! It's messed up.

Why should I be ashamed
of having sex with you?

- You shouldn't.
- I know!

- You should be proud!
- Yes!

No! No. Not because of this...

because it's a double standard.

So, for men, sex is,
like, an accomplishment.

And for women, it's that I
got taken advantage of?

Trust me, you do not want to
have the day that I'm having.

They... they keep, like, like,
thrusting their pelvises

and calling me J-Bone.

You have a nickname? I
didn't get a nickname.

I feel like you're
missing the point.

If you're J-Bone, then I
want to be A... hole.

You... you sure?

Obviously not.

See you around, A-hole.

Shut up!

I mean, it's like he's mad
at me for no reason at all.

He's not mad at you
for no reason.

He's mad at you because
you sold out Myrtle

for a corporate job.

But... Well...

You guys don't hate me.

Oh, yeah, we do.
We all hate you.

Okay, fine.

Um, what can I do to
make it up to you guys?

Give Myrtle her job back.

I don't have the
power to do that.

I'm not even allowed to spend more than
$12 on lunch without authorization.

There's got to be
something I can do

to make you guys love
me the way you used to.

Um, we never loved you, so...

Wait! Why... why wouldn't...
why not?

We don't know what
you're talking about.

Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up.

Okay, I can't get you Myrtle,

but I can get you
something better.

Just get ready, okay?

For the surprise!

This afternoon!

I saw some kids getting
high on the markers.

- Mm-hmm.
- Is it my job to stop them?

Nope, just recap the
markers when they're done.

Hey guys! Excuse me.

Um, could we just gather around

for a quick sec?

Um... I know that everyone is
walking on eggshells around me.

And I just want you to know,

that I am not embarrassed
that I had sex.

Oh, Amy, sure you're
not, sweetie.

- You don't have to say that.
- No, I mean it!

Guess what, people...
I have sex.

And I like having sex.

There's nothing wrong with
someone liking and having sex.

Yeah! Even a woman,
believe it or not!

Take notes, young man,
the future is female.

And I get it!

Okay! Well, that's it.

That's all I wanted
to say, so...

I'm gonna go back to work now,

and I will be thinking
about sex, if I want to.

Got sex on my mind, and
my mind on my sex!

Aren't you a little child?

♪ And I don't want the
world to see me ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't think
that they'd understand ♪

It doesn't matter what
the surprise is, okay?

I'm not getting back together with him.
It's over.

I bet Jeff's getting
us a taco truck.

Ooh, or maybe an
ice cream truck.

Ooh, I hope it's a pizza truck.

Sorry, guys, kind
of a pizza freak.

Everyone loves pizza, so it's
not a personality trait.

Here's a crazy idea... what
if it's not a food truck?

Ooh, maybe he's gonna
give us each, like, $50.

Maybe he's planning
on murdering Mateo.

Think about it, big surprise,

nobody's gonna see it coming.

I mean, If anybody was gonna
snap, it'd be that guy.

Okay, so it's either a snack,

an arbitrary amount of
money, or Mateo dies.

I guess it's got to be one
of those three things.

- Mm.
- It's got to be.

Shredder!

All right, okay.

Hey, man, this guy shreds ass!

Sorry, I...

Guys, stop, all right?

You know what? It's...
it's demeaning.

You guys are acting like sex
was something I did to Amy.

You know, like I conquered her.

- Oh!
- Yeah, you did!

All hail J-Bone, the conqueror!

I feel like you're grasping
on to the wrong words here.

Uh, Amy was an equal
participant, okay?

So all also hail Amy,

the mutual intercourse partner!

- Uh...
- We'll handle the nicknames.

You just keep
shredding, shredder.

Yeah.

Hey, is your favorite movie
"Waking Shred Devine"?

That's what she shred.

Excuse me, Amy?

- Yeah?
- I just wanted to say...

I totally get what you were
saying before about liking sex.

I think that's really cool.

Okay. Thank you.

So...

do you want to, like, do it?

Excuse me?

I have a condom.

Oh, my God! No! No!

But you said you like sex.

Not with you.

No, no. No. Don't...

Um, Noam, don't cry.

I'm not crying.

I don't even like you!

Noam, it's okay, come out!

No. Can someone call my mom

or my stepdad's work number?

Your mom's at the dentist,

and your stepdad said
that he doesn't care.

Okay.

Noam? Sweetie?

You're gonna come out of
that tent, okay, hon?

Now, whether you're conscious
or unconscious is up to you.

Are you really gonna throw
a bug bomb in there?

No!

Yeah, I am.

What happened?

Oh, Noam assaulted Amy,

and now he won't come
out of the tent.

- What?
- No...

it was not an assault,

it was a... misunderstanding.

Exactly!

And misunderstandings
can't be assault.

Well... they can.

Yes, they can, and
they usually are.

Attention, employees... make
your way to the break room

for a harassment meeting.

Shoppers, go about
your business.

This is a private matter

concerning our floor manager,
Amy, and a 14-year-old boy.

Dina, please, can we just not?

I-I was hoping to get
through my first day

without a harassment meeting.

Oh, you should have
started up last Friday.

We didn't need any harassment
meetings last Friday.

Perfect swish.

Hey, guys, he's not coming out.

Well, then we can't do this meeting.
Bummer.

I got this. Giuseppe! Alex!

Giuseppe W.! Everybody
grab a corner.

We're taking this thing
to the break room.

Hey, uh, Glenn, should we all

really be leaving the floor
during back to school?

I mean, come on, that's like...

that's like playing the
Super Bowl with only...

uh, with fewer players

than a football team
would normally have.

Good point.

Okay, we'll leave
a skeleton crew.

Kelly! You're in charge.

Of... the store?

♪ I'm only human ♪

♪ Of flesh and blood I'm made ♪

We'll make this quick.

There was an incident

relating to a sexual proposition

between Amy and
another employee.

No need to name names.

It was Noam.

- Who?
- Noam.

- Oh. Hi, Noam.
- Hi.

Do you want me to get
the harassment video?

Oh, no, the old videos
don't apply anymore.

We are living in a brave,
new, MeToo, Time's Up,

"This Is Us" kind of world.

There are no rules anymore.

But also, there's
nothing but rules.

Wait. So Amy banged Noam, too?

No! God, no, nothing happened.

Good, 'cause he's a child.
He can't consent.

They say consent is irrelevant.

I think you mean "intent
is irrelevant."

Consent is pretty
much the whole point.

Also, she's a supervisor,
so double illegal.

So was it illegal

when Amy forced Jonah
to have sex with her?

Nobody forced me to
have sex with them.

But you might have felt
like you couldn't say no

because Amy was in
the power position.

Nuh-uh, Jonah was on top.

Does it matter who's on top?

- It really doesn't.
- It really does.

I like reverse cowgirl because
there's no eye contact.

Cool info.

Does anybody know
what a "DCPI" is?

Or "Quadrant 12"?
Where is Quadrant 12?

Oh, Dan!

Dan, are you going
to Quadrant 12?

Dan!

Is this a MeToo situation?

Because who MeToo'd who?

I mean, Jonah's the man, but
Amy's the one in charge.

A woman can't take
advantage of a man.

Hey! Amy can force an
underling to have sex

just as easily as a man!

- Right!
- What?

I mean, I didn't, and I
wouldn't, but I could.

- And she will.
- Yeah, that was not my point.

Hey, I'm trying really
hard to defend you,

but you're making
it pretty tough.

This isn't harassment.

Jonah and Amy are
meant for each other.

Then why aren't they together?

I know, right?

Maybe the sex was bad.
It looked bad.

Guys, we shouldn't be talking

about this in front of Amy.

No! That is...

Okay, you guys want to
talk about what happened?

Let's talk about it.

What do you want to know?

Don't fall for it. It's a trick.

No, no, no. I'm serious!

Let's just get it all out
there once and for all,

and then we never have to
talk about it ever again.

Bring it on!

Are you still in love
with each other?

What a stupid waste
of a first question.

Who cares? Did you
have an orgasm?

- Yeah, boy!
- Guys, come on!

No, it's fine, I don't want there
to be any unanswered questions.

Technically, I did
not have an orgasm.

But it still felt good.
Next question.

Did Jonah have an orgasm?

Yes, yes, I did.

"Noice"! Yeah!

No! I am not high-fiving one man

over another man's orgasm.

Stop using me as a human shield!

Cease fire! Cease fire!

Around the 14-minute
mark in the video,

Jonah appeared to whisper
something to you.

What did he say?

Oh, I think it was
something about

the cord from the scanner
was chafing his thigh.

- I knew it.
- Oh, really?

Wow.

Now, as a pregnant woman,

was it weird having two
people inside of you at once?

No, not really.

Follow up on Mateo's question...

Jonah, was it weird being one
of two people inside Amy?

I didn't think about it.

Following up on Cheyenne,

is it weird thinking
about it now?

It's getting a
little weird, yeah.

Okay, keep 'em coming, people!

We'll be here as
long as it takes.

For my next question,

I'm gonna need a church
candle and a bagel.

For the first part, I would say I
don't really believe in soul mates,

more like different people for different
phases of your life type of thing.

And for the second
part, circumcised.

Yeah? Yeah.

All right, who's next?

Anybody?

Come on, guys, don't be shy.

Justine? Anything?

No? Okay.

Noam, anything you
want to say in there?

- I think he's asleep.
- Yeah, he had a big day.

All right, guys, well,
this is your last chance,

'cause after today, we are never
talking about this again.

Anyone?

Okay!

Well, then we are done-zo.

Okay. Let's get back to work.

Actually, the store closed,
like, 15 minutes ago.

- Oh.
- Come on.

Good day, everyone.

Boom.

Good stuff out there, Miss Sue.

Hey, nice hustle, Dan!

So proud of us! Love you guys!

Dina! It went great!

Well, not at first.

At first, I got
very overwhelmed,

and I started to get
this rash on my chest,

but then I thought to myself,

"Kelly, girl, you
have been through

Miss St. Louis, you
can handle this."

And so I delegated,
and I problem-solved,

and I rallied the troops, and...

I did it.

Okay.

I am Myrtle,

your Cloud 9 virtual greeter.

What do you think?

You said you wanted Myrtle,
so I got you Myrtle.

Meet our new automated greeter.

Hello, Myrtle.

Welcome to Cloud 9.

This is the big surprise?

Cool, huh, right?

I mean, it's got over 50
programmable greetings,

plus you can change
the background.

She's flying.

Who would want this?

Um, you were mad at
me about Myrtle,

so this is, like,
the next best thing

to having her back.

I did this for you.

- It's not Myrtle.
- Bye-bye now.

Wait, don't go! Look!
She's at the beach, guys!

And now a snowstorm!

And hang on, hang on, hang on,

I can fix this,
right, real quick.

Menu, function... Guys!
I can fix this!

I did a good thing!

♪ Do you really want to hurt me?

♪

Hey.

Hey.

So you made it through
your first day back.

And you only sexually
harassed one teen.

Yep, took a lot of self-control.

Uh, quick question...

So many questions...

Mexican or Italian?

We had Italian last night.

Mexican.

Ohay, I'll pick it up.

I'll get the wine. Hey!

What?

What if they see us?

Nobody's around!

Alright. See ya soon J-Bone.

Looking forward to it A-Hole,