Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Amnesty - full transcript

- This never gets old.
- Why are you doing this?

Because this job is
incredibly boring.

So, Kelly, do you,
like, hate Amy now?

What? No.

This was before I even
started working here...

- Yes.
- And... and it was just a kiss.

Yes, exactly. Thank you, Kelly.

Uh-oh...

looks like we got
ourselves a catfight.

Amy frenched her man,

and now they're
gonna throw down.



How did you get there from...

So, then I go, "I'm
undocumented,"

and then Jeff goes, "That's
why you dumped me?"

And I go, "Yeah," and
he goes, "Whoa,"

and I go, "Mm-hmm."

- And what'd he go?
- He was... weird.

He said he didn't know what
to do and he just left.

I mean, what if he hates me?

- He doesn't hate you.
- He might.

For all I know, he's
reported me by now.

I'm sure he didn't.
If he did, then,

you know, a bunch
of guys in uniform

would've busted in
here by now all like,

"Everyone, down on the ground!



Black-bag that guy and
throw him in the van."

Soldiers would pop
out of the ceiling,

and just start pounding on you,

like, knee to the face,
knee to the head,

crotch-punch, crotch-punch!

And then, you'd probably
get sent to Guantanamo.

Uh-huh.

Probably.

Man, how weird are sponges?

You guys looking for condoms?

- They're right here.
- Shut up, Corey.

You know I have the
power to fire you.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

I'm just so annoyed
with everybody

and this stupid video.

It'll pass.

You remember Robin with
that whole sexting thing?

Nobody even mentions it anymore.

Robin killed himself.

Oh...

- Still, though.
- Uh-oh.

Back to the scene of
the crime, you guys.

That's porn music,
it's not "Seinfeld."

We get it. Point taken.

- Yeah, you really zinged us.
- You really zinged each other.

You should write for
Craig Ferguson.

- Just ignore it.
- That's what I'm doing.

You guys looking
for the condoms?

Corey already said that.

Hey, Corey, you stole
my condom joke.

♪ ♪

I just keep thinking about

Jonah and Amy
kissing each other.

Okay... are you imagining

that you're the Jonah
or you're the Amy?

What? No. I mean,
Amy was married.

I thought they were
both good people,

and then... and then they...

they still wound up
committing adultery.

I don't know why
you're so shocked.

People are basically
just monsters

hiding behind the thin
veneer of social convention.

Oh, come on.

I mean, uh, yeah, sure, there's a
few Naughty Nathans out there,

but most people are
basically good.

I watch security footage

of people who don't
know they're on camera.

Do you have any idea
how many customers

have taken poops on the
floor of the store

because they think
they're alone?

I don't wanna know!

- Is it zero?
- 17.

Well, that's on me for asking.

People are monsters.

Take away the threat
of punishment,

and you'd be horrified by what
people admitted to doing.

One of you has committed
a serious malfeasance,

and I'm not talking
about Amy's adultery.

All right, "adultery"
is a strong word.

Heck yeah it is.

What I'm talking about
is something else.

This is a fireable offense.

However, we're giving
that person one chance.

You come forward today,
admit what you did,

and we will forget everything.

Okay, but how do we know
if the thing that we did

is the thing you're
talking about?

That's why anyone who
comes to us today

and admits to doing
something wrong

will be granted full amnesty.

How do we know if you
tell you something,

you're not gonna, you
know, call Corporate

- or the government or something?
- Yeah, sounds like a trap.

No, I promise, you
will not be punished,

I swear on the... on the
grave of my father.

I swear on my birds.

- Okay.
- Oh, wow.

- She does love birds.
- Yeah.

♪ You don't belong ♪

♪ We're not gonna take it ♪

♪ No, we ain't gonna take... ♪

What do you think someone did?

- I don't know.
- Who do you think did it?

- Still don't know.
- When do you think it even...

I don't have any more
information than you do.

Man, I just wish I had known

that they were
giving out amnesty.

I would've broken a rule.

Hold on a second...

we have till the end of the
day to confess, right?

Yeah.

I think we may have stumbled
onto a "Purge" type situation.

We can break one rule today
with no consequences.

Oh... like, we could wear hats.

That's against dress code.

Okay, so you could do
anything you want,

and you wanna waste it on a hat?

Okay, um... how 'bout
we steal a boat?

Well, we don't sell boats,

but I like that you're
thinking bigger.

Right.

Also, I just remembered,
I get kinda seasick,

so the boat thing is
definitely a no-go.

Okay, well, we were never
gonna do the boat thing,

- but cool.
- Okay.

Hey, Jeff, um, third call.

Just still really wanting
to see how you were feeling

about the whole
undocumented thing,

or if you're mad at me or not,

of if you told anyone or didn't,

or would or wouldn't.

I...

Sorry, this weird
lady's looking at me.

Well, it's been over an hour

and not one employee
has confessed,

and I found a dollar
on the floor,

- so eat peas.
- Ooh, an American dollar?

It's all cryptocurrency
now, ya dino.

Can someone please
open a register?

I have kind of a
shrimp emergency.

All the registers
should be open.

Well, I'm not being dramatic.

My wife is gonna murder me.

Where is everyone?

All right, let's
all take a number.

We're gonna get to everyone.

There's just so many of you.

So, um, I might have
done something wrong,

but, um, I'm not sure

if it's the same thing you
guys are talking about.

Well, why don't you just
tell us what it is?

Then we'll tell
you if your thing

is the same thing
we're talking about.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh...

why don't you tell
me your thing first,

then I'll say if it's the
same thing as... my thing?

I mean, that sounds
better to me.

How 'bout this, you tell us the
first letter of your thing,

and then we'll know if
we're on the same page.

Okay, fine.

- Um, the letter "U"?
- Yes, "U."

The thing we know about
also starts with "U."

Okay, now give me the second letter, and
then we can just go back and forth.

- Just tell us what you know!
- You tell me what you know!

Utah!

Hey. What are you doing?

Eating my lunch.

Trying to stay away
from all the looks

- and the comments and...
- Yeah.

Kinda tired of telling people
to mind their own business.

So, I know this may
come as a surprise,

but I actually got teased
a lot in middle school.

No.

Yeah, I don't know if
it was the rattail

or the eighth grade talent show

where I did a Bossa
Nova rendition

of "Material Girl"
on alto sax...

That. It was that.

But the moment I
stopped fighting it

and... and actually just
laughed along with them,

- it wasn't fun for them anymore.
- Mm.

They started teasing
this fat kid instead,

which, long story short,
he's a male model now.

Wow. You're really the
hero of that story.

I guess so.

Uh-oh, hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

What is that?

Sex.

No, it's not.

I think you mean this.

- Oh, like this?
- Yeah, there you go.

Oh...

This is nice.

Okay, so, I'm the one who's been
stealing the shopping carts,

uh, but they're not for me.

I give 'em to the homeless.

- Tha... that's not too bad!
- I just give 'em the carts.

They do the battling
on their own.

What? Battling?

I've been smoking weed
in the stock room

- on Wednesdays and Fridays.
- What?

Right under our noses.
How awful.

And on Mondays and
Thursdays, I just drink.

And on Saturdays,

I go to the Cinnabon
and go nuts.

It's so good.

I stole a pack of Sour
Cherry Bubblicious.

- Well, that's not too bad.
- I liked the Sour Cherry,

because it reminded me of
a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra.

My uncle Frank worked for
the Jollytime Factory.

It's this new web series
thing I'm working on.

The elevator pitch is
bum fights on crack.

So, you know how me and
Carol hate each other...

well, I hate her. Actually,
she looks up to me.

Anyway, I paid four different
guys to come into the store

and ask her out and
then never show up.

Nice.

I've been doing things
to Sandra's lunch.

An electrical spark
at the factory

ignited the corn starch,

causing a big explosion
on the third floor...

maybe it was the fourth floor.

What floor did Uncle
Frank work on?

- The fourth floor!
- No!

- Oh, gosh.
- Yes.

So, you film homeless people

smashing each other
with our carts?

Sometimes, I'll just
give one of 'em a cart

and the other a stick
or a trashcan lid.

It's barbaric.

What is happening in this store?

Aw, it's not just this
store, it's the whole world.

Now, you just keep that
same face right there...

Huh?

That is going on my wall

right next to the picture of me
with the guy who played Balki.

Bronson Pinchot.

I don't know what
you're saying to me.

"not allowed."

Okay, we're not
just hatting this.

There has to be something
in-between maiming someone

and putting on a fedora.

"Employees should avoid
discussing racial issues,

including positive
comments such as,

"I for one am proud of this
Mexican's achievements.""

Most of this stuff is
stuff I don't wanna do

or doesn't even apply.

"A female employee's skirt
shall start below the knee,

and her bosom shall
be fully covered"?

- That's a rule?
- Yeah.

Most days, I don't
even wear underwear,

mainly 'cause mentioning
that gets me free donuts

from whoever's working café.

Couldn't you just
lie about that?

They would know.

I would know.

Hey, you okay? Guy
trouble is not fun.

Oh, uh, yeah, thanks,

but Jonah and I are...
we're totally fine.

Oh, that's great.

Well, I just want you to
know I have your back.

That's really sweet.

Should we do something
to Amy's car?

What?

Or wait... she has
a daughter, right?

Oh, she loves that daughter.

Yeah, I... I like
her daughter too.

It's always gonna
be people like us

against the Amy's and the
Sandra's of the world.

We're the same. You
and I are the same.

Yep.

- Careful.
- Oh...

Oh, hey.

Do you guys want us to leave
you alone with this bed?

Yeah?

Um, you know what, Corey, yes.

Could you hit the
lights on your way out?

'Cause we were just
about to have a nooner.

Yeah, unless, you know,
anybody wants to stick around

and... and film all the
banging that we're gonna do.

- That's a good idea.
- Oh, did you hear that?

- They said they were gonna bang.
- Admitted it.

Oh, yeah, bangin'
and proud of it.

Watch out, Cloud 9's about
to get real hot up in here!

- Uh-oh!
- Uh-oh!

It's not fun when
you're into it.

Come on, you guys, you're
being annoying now.

You know, what's
annoying is being around

this hottie all day long

and just not getting
to make out.

You know, it's like
our lips are magnets.

Every time we see each other,
it's like, "Hi, Jonah..."

"Whoa-oh-oh, oh, my God,
can't control my lips.

- Uh-oh"...
- "Uh-oh! Watch out!"

That... that was an accident...

- We didn't mean to do that.
- But you... yeah.

Yeah, because you
were going in...

Guys, something just happened!

♪ ♪

- I thought you were going...
- Uh, yeah... no, I... we were...

Except we didn't actually kiss.

The whole thing just got
blown out of proportion.

But your lips were
touching her lips...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it... it's...
it's like CPR, you know?

If... if... if you're
giving someone CPR,

- are you kissing them?
- Were you giving her CPR?

No, no, look, we were just
pretending we wanted to kiss,

okay, so that people would
stop saying we wanted to kiss.

That sounds stupid.

I mean... seriously?

This is all Sandra.

I'm taking a Learning
Annex course.

♪ ♪

It's impressive.

♪ ♪

Thank you all for coming
on such short notice.

Uh, Glenn, before
we get started,

I just wanted to say
that I'm wearing a hat,

which I know is
against the rules.

- And boom! Amnesty.
- Ok... okay.

Uh, as you all know,
from time to time,

we have a guest speaker...

We've literally never done that.

So... I would like to introduce
you to Pastor Craig.

You know the rules about
religion at work.

And I get amnesty today, so why
don't you go kiss a table?

There is something
wrong with the souls

- of the people who work here...
- Amen.

And I am not just
gonna stand back

and let this place become
Times Square, New York City!

- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.

- Pastor Craig?
- Mm.

- They're all yours.
- All right.

Hmm...

All right, man, what is this?
What are you doing to us?

- Stop it!
- What's your name, Miss?

Justine.

Well, Justine...

I love you.

- I love you too.
- I love all of you, all right?

And I don't care
what you've done.

God hates the sin,

but he loves the sinner.

Sandra...

Who is Sandra? Where is, uh...

All right.

Now, Sandra, it... it says here

that you wanna kill a
coworker named Carol.

Ye

Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand.

When I'm frustrated, I wanna
wring someone's neck.

Exactly. Wring it hard.

So, what do you do?

What do you do when that
feeling comes over you?

Well, I... put on a hoodie
that covers my face.

Then I take the 47 bus line

to a library in a far-away town.

Then I open a private browser
on one of their computers,

and Google how I'm
thinking of killing her

to see what mistakes
people usually make.

Jesus.

♪ ♪

All right, everybody
blow it out.

Come on, blow it out.

Blow out the sin!

Blow it on out. Blow it on out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
you feel that?

I think it just got a
little lighter in here.

I felt it, big time.

Hallelujah.

So, keep breathing,
blow out those sins,

and forgive yourself.

All right, Amen.

All right, so, I think,
we're good here.

Uh, do you guys sell those
tire air-pressure tester...

- what do you call those things,
- No, no, that's it?

- The small...
- Tire gauge.

Yes, thank you. I
need a tire gauge.

I told ya, you take
away the punishment,

you find out what
people really are.

Wait, what? What are
you talking about?

There was no fireable offense.

Dina said that people
were monsters,

and as a Christian, I wanted
to prove that they weren't.

Actually, we Christians believe
that all people are sinners.

It's, uh... it's kind
of our whole thing.

So, wait, Jeff
didn't say anything?

Why? What would Jeff have said?

I don't know, he's a liar.

I mean, he's always lying
about stuff, so...

But Dina was right.

We are all monsters,

who love to watch bum fights

or put gross stuff in
each other's lunches.

Oh, I know that Carol
messes with my lunch.

That's why I always
make a decoy lunch.

You don't think I know
about the decoy lunch?

And even Amy and Jonah...
you had an affair.

Glenn, it wasn't an
affair, it was one kiss,

and it happened because we
thought we were about to die.

We all thought we
were gonna die.

You didn't see me smooching the
first lady person I could find.

Weren't you praying to
Allah the whole time?

- Yes.
- Oh.

- What... no, I didn't...
- Glenn...

I am not the one on trial here.

You know what, nobody's
on trial, okay?

- Nobody.
- We all make mistakes.

We all have lust in our hearts.

- That wasn't lust.
- I wouldn't say lust.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't
know you guys that well.

Maybe you're in love then.

- No. We're not in love.
- No, definitely not love.

So you say,

but Lord, I'm sensing something
going on right here.

- Y'all feel that?
- Ooh!

Right up there. Y'all feel that?

Something good... Great, this again.
Woohoo.

No, uh, actually, we're...
we're dating, so...

Oh, uh, tire gauge girl.

Okay.

So, what is it, guys?
Is it love or lust?

All right, guys,
enough is enough.

It doesn't matter.

Even if they were soul mates,
it doesn't make it okay.

Look, Amy is not my
soul mate, okay?

Yes, fine, uh,

when I first started
working here years ago,

I... I had a little
crush on Amy.

There, I said it. Okay?
Are you happy?

Exactly. And at one point,

I had a crush on Jonah, and
that's all in the past.

Exactly.

Wait, what did... you...
when did you...

did... what... you...
yeah... no.

Never mind. Doesn't
matter, doesn't matter,

because if... even if we...

because it... with the timing
and everything, it's...

yeah, so, you get it.

So... stop.

- He didn't know.
- Do you still love each other?

- Wh... What?
- No! We never...

we've moved on.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And, you know... and......

anyway, it... it... it
doesn't matter, bec...

we've... we've all, you know...

and... and... and besides,
you know, I've......

I'm with... I've got...
I'm with, um...

- Kelly.
- I'm with Kelly.

Yeah, no, I... I... I know
your name, obviously.

- Guys, this is amazing.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm generally a cynic,

but this? Wow.

She didn't know that
he didn't know,

and now he knows
that she knows...

We get it, Sandra.

So, do you guys think he
should be with Kelly or Amy?

- I'm kind of Team Amy now.
- Yeah.

I'm with you. I'm
fully shipping them.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Ame.

'Sup?

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

We're... we're just having
normal workplace conversations.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yep. How are you doing
with everything?

There it is. You know me.

Struggling to keep
it in my pants.

With Jonah roaming
around here somewhere,

I'm just like, "Give
it to me, Jonah."

That's a good one.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, gonna go find him now

and just, like,
do him, you know?

Soft lines? More
like hard lines.

Get it?

Watching your world
view get shattered

has been the highlight
of my year,

and that includes
meeting that Balki guy.

- Bronson Pinchot.
- What does that mean?

Hey, guys, I'm taking off.

Garrett...... let's
get this over with.

- Get what over with?
- What did you do?

Did you make two nuns
fight a prostitute?

- Broil a child?
- Nah, I didn't do anything.

I'm very, very sorry to say,

but, uh, I haven't
broken any rules.

Really? So, you've never
gotten stoned at work

or... or hit golf balls
off the checkout?

You've never taken
a video game home,

played it, repackaged it, and
put it back on the shelf?

No.

I mean, those are all things
I probably could've done,

but did not.

♪ ♪

Garrett... you little
rule follower.

♪ ♪

I found a good one!

♪ ♪

His ability to delude himself

is the only impressive
thing about him.

I think I was just
disoriented in the moment,

but I am not cool with
him kissing my head.

Hey.

- Kelly.
- Uh... yes, I know your...

Look, uh, I was just flustered,
you know, back there.

Yeah, sure. Well,
it's very flustering

when you find out that the
girl you like likes you back.

No, no, I just......

everything just got blown
out of proportion.

Let me ask you this,

if... if your crush had
timed out with Amy's crush,

- would we be together right now?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Really.

Look, I don't want this whole
Amy thing to set us back.

I wanna...

I wanna move forward with you.

Like move in together?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean, if... if you want to.

Do... do you want to?

Do... well, sure, yeah.

I mean, I would... yeah.

Yeah, great, okay.

Cool, then we're doing it. We're...
we're living together.

- Oh. Uh...
- All right.

♪ ♪

Chad, it's Mateo.

Do... I know I've said some
horrible things about you

in the comments of
your Instagram,

but, you know, I
can't find Jeff,

and I've been calling
the office...

I quit my job.

Uh, Chad, I'm gonna
call you back.

Uh, probably not, actually.

- Jeff...
- You wanna get a drink?

♪ ♪

Sure.

- Nice shirt.
- You think?

It's the one Matt Damon wore at
the end of "The Bourne Identity."

That's so cool.

Right on.

I can return it, if
you don't like it.