Superstore (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Safety Training - full transcript

When Mateo gets injured, Jonah tries to help him advoid Cloud 9 compensation for fear of his immigration status being revealed. Meanwhile, Amy tries to convince everyone that she likes Kelly.

Cheese, what is it?

- Dried milk.
- Uh, no.

- I don't think that's true.
- It is. It is, Amy.

It's in a PowerPoint.

Now, we all know the
standard cheeses.

American cheese, cheddar
cheese, pizza cheese.

But what if I told you
there's one more out there?

- Pepper jack?
- No.

- Gouda?
- Swiss!

- Kraft Singles.
- Goat, Parm, blue, ricotta.

- I could name at least ten more.
- No, you guys, it's not...



You know what's really good?
Grilled cheese.

Hot tip, Kelly.

No, guys, stop just
yelling out random words.

You're throwing me off.

But what if I told you
there's one more out there?

Human cheese!

Oh, my God, is
that what this is?

I've had five samples already.

No, no, this is just
cut-up string cheese.

I don't have enough
money for a prototype.

But it'll basically be
exactly like that, I think.

So who's ready to
invest in the breast?

It'll be udder-ly amazing!

- That's cows.
- Damn it, Sandra!



You're messing with my flow.

Ugh.

Cheese, what is it?

Dried milk.

Ooh.

Just like a couple of plums

nestled in a pair
of Dockers, huh?

- What?
- Jonah's butt.

- That you're staring at.
- No, I'm not star...

- I'm not staring at anything.
- Oh, sorry.

Just, you told me about
your crush on Jonah,

and I'm an ass gal, so
I guess I just assume

- everyone's an ass gal...
- Shh, Dina!

- What?
- It's not a crush.

And plus, I told you
that in private.

But just so you know,

Kelly's gonna start
suspecting something

- if you keep lashing out at her.
- What are you talking about?

I don't lash out at Kelly.

Hey, Sandra, do you remember any time
that Amy was lashing out at Kelly?

January 4th, you said,
"Kelly, I assume you've been

to a monster truck rally."

January 12th, you said,
"Two people saying you look

like Reese Witherspoon
is not a lot of people."

- Okay, we got it.
- Thanks, Sandra.

January 20th, you said, "Wow, did they
teach you that at pageant school?"

January 21st, you said, "Wow, did they
teach you that at pageant school?"

Okay, we got it, Sandra.
Thank you.

♪ The music's on ♪

♪ Oh, baby, dance
with me, yeah ♪

- Kelly!
- Hi.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Sorry, I'm working
as fast as I can.

- I just have a few more left.
- Oh, no, no worries.

I'm not here to rush you,

I just came over to
say, "Hey, girl."

Oh, "Hey, girl" back.

Hey, girl.

Yep, just, um, came on over
to hang out with my friend.

- We're friends?
- Yes.

I mean, sorry, it's
just sometimes

it seems like you don't like me.

Oh, you mean because
sometimes I razz you?

Oh, my God, Kel, you know I'm,
like, the joker of the store.

Because you wear
all that lipstick?

It's just gloss, and I only
wear a little bit of it.

No, because I joke
around with everyone,

- especially my friends.
- Really?

Yes, of course.

You cutie.

Oh oh!

Someone's in trouble.

- Oh, my God.
- I hung that sign.

Well, it was probably
just a faulty anchor.

What anchor?

- You didn't bolt the anchor?
- There's bolts too?

Guys, I'm telling you, the
human mammary dairy market

is about to explode.

Question: if I invest, can I
still eat regular cheese?

Dude.

No.

Hey, how about you guys?

Who's ready to join the
boob cheese revolution?

Uh, sorry, I was distracted.

That guy has a real gay
Dothraki vibe going,

and ♪Intoit.

- You should go help him.
- You want me to just

- go up there and talk to him?
- It's literally your job.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do you guys just hate chants?
Be honest with me.

I am so screwed. This is, like,
my third screwup this week.

I'm gonna get in
so much trouble.

- What happened?
- Who put this up?

Um, Glenn, I...

It was me. I did it.

- Amy, you don't have to...
- It's okay, girl. I got you.

- Amy, you did this?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

I was just rushing, and I
forgot to anchor the bolt.

So you used duct tape?

Yes, I did.

I really, really didn't
think that one through.

Okay, but...

you got to be careful.
These things are heavy.

Yes.

- Clean it up.
- I will. Will do.

Thank you so much.

You did not have to
take the blame for me.

It's totally fine.
I got you, girl.

- It's all good, friend.
- Aw.

And plus, no one got
hurt, so no biggie.

Hey.

Don't you hate Tuesdays?

Oh, my God.

Why would you take the
blame for Kelly's mistake?

Look, I was trying to show
her that we're friends.

Oh, this is about
the Jonah crush.

- Shh.
- Man, that secret

just keeps getting
tastier and tastier.

Mmm, that is one good secret.

Okay, that's enough.
Look, can you please

just not tell anyone?

Hey, like I said, you
can count on me.

And if you want to sell the lie,

I will sell this lie hard.

What... what... what...
what are you doing?

I'm trying to work
up enough saliva

so that we can do
a spit handshake.

It's just, I've got
such drymouth.

I think it's the pregnancy.

Oh, don't worry about it.

- We're good.
- No, no, no, no.

Just give me a second.
I'll get there.

Oh, God, okay.

No, Dina, really, I'm good.
I trust you.

Well, now I'm like a sprinkler.

It won't stop coming out.

Does it hurt when you rotate it?

Of course it does.

I got assaulted by a
giant pot of gold.

- Everything hurts.
- Hey, man.

When I cut off my thumb
with the deli slicer,

corporate gave me 200 bucks
just for promising not to sue.

When I shattered my nose, I
held out and got $1,000.

Wait, you can negotiate?

No one told me that
I can negotiate.

Man, you should have held out.

You could have already
launched Boob Cheese.

Ugh...

I wonder how much I could get.

I mean, I'm not a
very good negotiator.

I just always want
people to like me.

Is that...

- true?
- Yes!

- I'm nice.
- Well, if you want,

I could help you with
the negotiation.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I mean, you are
relentless and annoying.

I was going to say because I
took a year of business school,

but I will take that
as a compliment.

It's not, but, you know, you
hear what you want to hear.

- You are nice.
- Maybe I should get hurt again

and hold out for that big money.

Mm-hmm, I definitely think
that's a good idea.

- I feel so bad.
- I didn't know

Mateo was gonna get hurt
when you took the blame.

Don't worry about it.
It's like I said.

We're friends, and,
you know, it's like,

bitches before
snitches, you know?

Well, I am taking you out for
drinks tonight as a thank-you.

You, me, half-off margaritas.
Like I always say,

there's nothing a little
dancing on a bar can't solve.

Wow, did they teach you
that in pageant sch...

I mean, that is very
wise and well-observed.

I'm very excited.

Hey, don't you help her.

This was Amy's mess, and she
needs to clean it up herself,

or she will never learn.

I'll just text you tonight

about what I'm
thinking of wearing.

See, she does not
suspect a thing.

All right. Clean
this up for real.

One...

two...

Nope.

Damn it!

Uh, just trying to
cut off my thumb.

I'm sorry, why is Jonah here?

Oh, I'm just here to
give Mateo advice.

I went to business
school for a year.

- Before flunking out.
- Irrelevant.

Fine, okay. Uh, for the record,

I should point out that Mateo and I
previously had a romantic relationship,

but I'm confident that we can
keep everything professional.

I would also like the
record to reflect

that your outfit
makes you look like

the assistant debate coach
of an Ohio middle school.

Your objection is noted.

Okay, uh, without accepting any
liability for your injury,

Cloud 9 would like
to offer you $1,000.

I'll take this.

- No.
- No?

What do you mean, no? You
don't want the money?

Oh, we want the money, Jeff.

- But we want the real money.
- Yes.

Okay, well, that
is the real money.

The offer is $1,000.
Take it or leave it.

We will take the $1,000.

Ah!

Hey, Amy.

I thought I'd have
Sandra work with you.

Oh, no, that's okay. I got this.

Yeah, but wouldn't it be
nice to have some company?

You know, someone to help
you and watch over you?

Oh, okay. I see.

What? It's not that
I don't trust you

or that I'm worried that
you'll injure someone else.

No, no, of course not.

I mean, you just said
it wasn't those things,

so it's probably
not those things.

Right.

It's a different reason.

Like?

- I will tell you later.
- Yep.

Check issued upon completion
of background check?

What does that mean?

Mm, that seems pretty standard.

They probably just want to make sure
you didn't do anything illegal.

Illegal, like being in
this country illegally?

All right, I just got off
the phone with corporate,

and things are all
good on their end.

Are you done signing?

Uh, um...

you know what? I have
decided to pass.

We're gonna pass.

- What?
- Yeah, so...

I mean, no need for any of this.

- Mm-mm.
- Um...

I'm gonna go, and, um...

good luck to you in all
your future endeavors.

Excuse me.

Sorry the deal fell through.

Lot of great
back-and-forth, though.

Good sparring with you, buddy.
All right.

Just go. Just go. Just
go when you say go.

Just go when you
say the word "go."

Go on the word "go."

Go!

Ahh, damn it!

Damn it! Bad!

- Compromising safety harness.
- I was just loosening it.

Okay, but now you're not secure.

I am secure, Sandra. And
also, could you, like,

maybe move, like, two
inches that way?

You're in my space.

Glenn told me to
stay close to you.

And also, I'm
terrified of heights,

so I feel like the ground
is always just kind of

- coming up at me...
- Okay, fine, fine.

It's just making this
a lot more difficult.

- Oh!
- Almost dropped sign.

Almost? Are you serious?

You're writing down
almost mistakes now?

- Now you're losing your temper.
- No, I'm not losing my temper, Sandra.

I just don't think that you need to be
writing down every single little thing.

Stop!

- No, you stop it.
- Glenn gave that to me!

- Back up, Sandra.
- We're moving!

- We're going to die!
- Oh, my God!

I need you to back up...

Sandra, you're on me!

Sandra, you're pushing
me into the lever!

Sandra, snap out of it!

Bloopers on a TV
show are delightful.

But in the workplace,
they can be dangerous.

So I thought that some of us

who have had a
couple of incidents

could review some basic
safety training.

Now, when would you
put out one of these?

- On the holidays?
- No.

Anyone?

Now, when you're
cleaning up that spill,

you want a nice swaying motion.

Think of it like you took
your mop to a dance.

Okay, and dance with her.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

♪ ♪

Okay, all right.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get injured.

It's just hard to
make myself do it.

You know, the problem is,
you can see it coming.

Yes, obviously
that's the problem.

You know, maybe, and I'm
just spitballing here,

but maybe you have
someone else do it

so you're not expecting it.

That's not a bad idea.

Do you think you could do it?

Me? Wow.

Whoof, that's unexpected.

Hmm, yeah, I'll do it.
I'd be honored.

I can't believe I have
to walk away from $1,000

- just because I'm undocumented.
- It's so unfair.

This country was built on
the backs of immigrants...

Okay, calm down. I can
tell my own story.

- And you should be able to.
- Okay.

I just spoke to corporate.
This one time,

they're willing to
go up to $1,500.

Final offer, no exceptions.

Unfortunately, I'm
still gonna pass.

Okay, but $1,500 is as high
as they're willing to go.

I mean, it's $1,500. You
understand that, right?

I understand. The
answer is still no.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

$4,000.

- Whoa!
- Holy crap.

And that's it.
That's it, though.

That's the cap.

- I thought $1,500 was the cap.
- That was the fake cap.

Technically, we're allowed
to go as high as $4,000,

but that is it. That's
the final offer.

I'm sorry, Jeff, okay?
It's still...

$6,500, final offer.

I feel like we have
different definitions

- of the word "final."
- It's not about the money.

- Okay, the answer is no.
- Wow, okay, great.

Congratulations, you
just lost out on $6,500.

Sweet dreams
thinking about that.

$15,000.

Amy? Hey, it's Jessie.

- I'm Cindy's mom.
- Oh, yeah, of course, hi.

I heard about you and Adam,

and I just wanted to say I
hope everything's okay.

Oh, yeah, no, everything's
great, actually.

- Thanks for checking.
- Amy?

I need a urine sample from you.

Oh, um, I'm sorry, I can just...

No, Dina, this isn't really
the best time for this.

Hey, that's what happens when you
keep screwing up on the job.

We have to find out
if it's due to drugs

or just gross incompetence.

♪ ♪

It's not drugs.

Hey, this was lovely. So
see you at the next PTA.

Hi, David, I have Mateo Liwanag,

the employee who was
injured, and Jonah Simms,

another employee,
for some reason.

Hey, Mateo, I hear
you're refusing

to sign the liability waiver.

A little concerned your lawyer's
giving you some bad advice.

Oh, I'm not a lawyer.

I just went to a year
of business school.

- Before flunking out.
- I'm on your side, you know.

So look, we're prepared
to offer you $50,000.

- $50,000?
- Whoa.

Uh...

- that is a lot of money.
- Uh, uh-huh.

And I wish I could take it.
But the truth is,

um, I'm not really hurt.

- David, he's lying.
- I'm lying?

What about all the times you
said you were over Chad

and you just jumped right
back into bed with him?

- After you dumped me!
- I'm sorry, David.

- That's not relevant.
- That's okay.

I have a gay son, so my
views are very progressive.

Okay, what about the time you
said Jonah looks great in shirts?

Yeah, were you lying or
telling the truth then?

I said he looks okay in shirts,

but you wouldn't know that
because you never listen.

Because you add
unnecessary details!

You spent an hour
talking about lavender!

Uh, it sounds like you guys

still have some stuff
to figure out.

Jeff, why don't you
take care of this

and get back to me later, okay?

Thanks.

Well...

that got silly.

'Sup, Marcus?

Something's jammed
in the box crusher.

I was wondering if you could
climb in and get it out.

You want me to get...

- inside the box crusher?
- Yeah, thanks.

It just... it feels like a box
crusher could hurt someone

really badly.

Only if somebody pushed the
button while you were inside it.

There's no need to worry
about that 'cause

I got the button right here.

Yeah, okay.

Sandra, your tushie

needs to be closer
to the ground.

- I can't go any lower.
- Okay, I don't want excuses.

I want lower tushies.

Ugh, I can't believe they're
making you do this.

Yeah, no, me and you both.

Elias, bend both your
knees, not just the one.

I just feel so guilty. I
mean, I almost feel like

maybe I should tell Glenn
that I was the one

that messed up the signs.

Well, I mean, you know,
don't do it for me.

But, like, if you
really want to.

Yeah, you're right, there's
probably no point.

Oh, did I say there
was no point?

I don't remember
saying those words.

Oh, I just... I'm getting
in my head, then.

Sometimes I do that
thing where I act like

every mistake in the
world is my fault.

Yeah, except for this time,

you wouldn't really
be that far off.

Although it's like,

I didn't make you crash
the scissor lift.

- No, no.
- Uh-uh.

But technically, I wouldn't
have been on the scissor lift

if you hadn't messed
up the signs.

I know, and then it's
like, technically,

I wouldn't have even been
hanging the signs at all

if Saint Patrick hadn't driven
the snakes out of Ireland, so...

How far back do we go?

Um...

probably somewhere between
the fifth century

and this morning, I'm guessing.

Right, yeah.

Right.

I can't take this safety
training anymore.

Hey, I get it. It's tough,

especially when you
get to your age.

Do you feel like
you can't keep up?

No, I mean I'm over taking the
blame for Kelly's mistake.

Well, let's tell Glenn the
truth and bury this chick!

Yeah, but I can't just, like,
throw her under the bus.

Are you sure? 'Cause I
have security footage

of her hanging the sign.
It wouldn't be hard.

Yes, but morally...

Although, you know,
it's not like she would

get in that much trouble, right?

And all we'd be doing
is telling the truth.

So if anything, lying
in the first place

was the wrong thing
to do, right?

You'd already made up
your mind about this

before you even came
in here, hadn't you?

Yeah, I was thinking maybe
you could show the footage

while I tried to stop
you so it'd look like

my hands were clean. I
told everyone to meet,

- like, around 3:00?
- Nice.

She's growing up.

No, uh-uh, I can't do it.

I can't. I still
know it's coming.

And to be honest...

you're freaking me out.

You know what? I feel you.

So here's what we're gonna do.

It's not gonna come today,
not even this week.

Months will go by. You'll
forget all about it.

And then one day,
out of the blue...

- You're rich.
- I don't know if that...

Even if you tell me you
want to call it off,

I'll say okay, but I'll know
you don't really want that.

You're just trying to make
yourself forget it's coming.

It'll never really
be called off, ever.

That's how much I care about
getting you this money.

Mateo, I'm not stupid.

- I know why you're doing this.
- You do?

Yeah, why waste an opportunity

to make me look incompetent
in front of my bosses, right?

Oh. I mean no,
that's not what...

Okay, well, you may hate me,
but I still care about you.

So there. 10 grand.
You're welcome.

$10,000? I thought
it was $50,000.

Doesn't matter. Okay...

- Jeff, I don't want this.
- Well, you're taking it.

I'm faxing the paperwork
to legal right now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you can't...
you can't do that.

Why not?

- It's complicated.
- I was in love with you.

And you dumped me
out of the blue,

so unless there's some reason
I just can't get my...

I'm undocumented!

That's why I couldn't
transfer stores.

That's why I can't
take the money.

And that's why I couldn't go

on a Carnival cruise
with your family.

But also, like...

cruises are gross.

So wait.

I never hated you.

I thought it'd be helpful
for us all to watch

the surveillance footage
of Amy hanging the sign

that fell on Mateo so we
can learn what not to do.

- Wait, what?
- No, I don't think

we need to watch
this video, Dina.

- Well, I do.
- So we are.

I'm so sorry. I don't
know what else to do.

Um, that's the wrong file.

That's from Glenn's
mullet phase.

That was, like, four years ago.

I can't stand this new system.
I can't find anything.

Whoa, is that from the tornado?

- Oh, uh, you know what...
- Uh, Dina,

can you turn off
the video, please?

No, Amy, it's not your decision.

No, I'm not kidding.
Turn off the video.

Hey, what are you doing?
Step back.

This is very
sensitive equipment!

Dina, turn off the video!

- Stop the video!
- What are you doing?

Whoa!

I think everyone knows
you like Jonah.

Mm-hmm.