Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Dog Adoption Day - full transcript

Okay, I need two volunteers.

Oh, right here, I'm first!
Pick me!

Okay, thank you, Mateo.
Who else?

Anyone?

Garrett!

Yeah, I just wanted to say no.

You're all ingrates.

I hope someone sets
you all on fire,

and you need a volunteer
to put it out.

It's too much for
6:00 a.m., Dina.

I don't think it's enough.



Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Okay, thank you, Jonah.

You and Mateo will be in charge

of our in-store dog
adoption today.

Yes, that's right.

That volunteer job
was desirable.

That was a lesson.

"And lo, the Samaritan, as he
traveled, came to where..."

6:00 a.m., Glenn.

Okay, right.

Anyway, while the rest of you are
having normal, dogless days,

these two selfless heroes
will be in puppy heaven.

I want to be in puppy heaven.

I'll switch if anybody wants.



I don't really care about dogs.

What?

- What did he say?
- I mean, I don't dislike them.

I just, you know, I don't
really have strong feelings

- one way or the other.
- You're a psychopath.

Sociopath, he's a sociopath.

Is it because they
don't like you?

No, no I think it says
something about our priorities

that we spend so
much money on pets

when there are literally
millions of children

without adequate nutrition.

I hope you die.

Okay, I need another volunteer.

Me me me me me me me me!

Sandra, thank you.

Come on up.

And I am glad that
you're an animal lover

because we have a large
number of hornets nests

around the perimeter
of the store.

That's right, it's not
always good to volunteer.

That was another lesson.

♪ ♪

No, look, I want the sour
cream and onion chips.

I can't eat the ones
with the ridges on them

because they hurt the
top of my mouth!

That's part of the
experience, Cheyenne.

I feel like I don't even
know who you are anymore.

Hey hey, what is happening?

I don't even know
who Bo is anymore.

- Okay, all right.
- Are you kidding me?

You know that's because I
never get what I want.

All I ever do now is
babysit for free!

It's not babysitting
when you're the dad!

- Whoa!
- Hey, guys, chill.

No, come on.

This doesn't have to
wind up on YouTube.

Film one of my
impressions instead.

Okay, you want to
start something now?

- Yeah!
- "Hi, I'm Batman."

That was Batman.

"And now I'm the Joker."

Somebody has to clean
all of this up.

"You merely adopted the
dark, I was born in it."

Damn, tight Bane! Respect.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

I know we've always had
this unspoken rivalry.

Not a rivalry, you're
just always mean to me.

And not unspoken, you talk
about it all the time?

Well, anyway, since
we're stuck together,

I figured we could
at least be civil.

Okay, somebody needs to
be in charge of the...

I'll do it. I'll do it better.

This guy doesn't
even like dogs so.

See, you're even
trying to embarrass me

in front of the dog lady.

"Dog lady?" Jonah,
she has a name.

- Lydia.
- Lydia.

Really, Lydia?

- Yeah.
- Ouch.

Attention shoppers, are you
thinking of having a baby,

but want to test the waters

with something that's
not the same at all?

Adopt a dog today.

Hey, you forgot to
clock in this morning.

Oh, yeah, I came in behind
Elias and got distracted.

What's going on with his butt?

Make sure to clock
in at some point

so we can start paying you.

Oh, hold up. Wait.

I haven't been paid for
the last two hours?

Can't you just adjust
the timesheet?

Can. Won't.

Rules are rules.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, I'm being serious,

and "what's up" with Elias's
butt is he started cycling.

Obviously.

Sh...

I feel like all we
ever do now is fight.

We used to have so much fun.

We would talk about everything.

Movies, music, politics...

- Politics, really?
- Mm-hmm.

But now, I mean, we're
supposed to get married

in a few months, and
I'm starting to think

maybe we should move that up.

- Wait, what?
- Oh good, a wedding!

Because then we'll be newlyweds

and we won't fight anymore.

Fine by me.

Just get it over with.

Not on Tuesday, though.
I got my DJ class.

I can call my church and see

if they have an
opening next week.

Oh, and I get points in the
gift shop for referrals.

- No, Glenn, wait...
- Customer service, thank you.

Guys, getting married is not
gonna solve all these problems.

Yes, there is a
honeymoon period...

Honeymoon period.
Banging everywhere.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah, and all that banging
builds a foundation

of love and trust
that lasts forever.

No, marriage is hard.

It's a big deal.

It's gonna be one of the
hardest things you ever do.

It's not something you
just want to rush into.

Okay, hang on.

Do you guys want a black
choir or a white choir?

- Black choir.
- Definitely black choir.

I mean, I'm not really on
board with this whole...

Yes, a black choir, of course.

We'll take Lucius and
the Gang, thank you.

All right, I think you
guys are all set.

So I'll be back at
6:00 to close down

and take the dogs that don't get
adopted back to the shelter.

Oh, these guys
aren't going back.

I'm gonna get them all adopted.

You might as well find new dogs
at the junkyard or wherever.

Honestly, most of them
probably won't get adopted.

But even one life saved
makes it all worth it.

Wait, "one life saved"?

Yeah, we're an open
admissions shelter,

meaning we do have to euthanize
based on duration of stay.

So unfortunately, most of these
guys, they're out of time.

- Oh, my God.
- That's terrible.

Oh... oh, God no, that's
not what I meant.

No, no, no.

- Oh, okay.
- You won't have to kill them.

We have a service that comes in.

I'm dating the injection guy.

Yeah, he's great.

He's divorced. Most of
them are at my age, so.

Yeah. Do you sell stamps?

- At the register.
- Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna just... excuse me.

Oh, and dryer sheets, actually?

- Aisle 12.
- 12, 12. Thank you.

I don't know why they bother
calling it a shelter.

They should just call
it Doggie Death Row.

I don't know why
you're so upset.

I thought you'd be
jumping for joy by now.

"Yay! Dead dogs! It's
Jonah Christmas!"

Look, we only have
until 6:00 p.m.

to get all of these dogs homes.

And the only way that we're gonna
do that is by working to...

We've got to work together.

We got to work together
if we're gonna do this.

- You up for that?
- Yes, it's a great idea.

Great, we'll do my plan.

- Just step over the...
- Okay.

Do you ever regret getting
married so young?

Um, no.

I mean, I wouldn't say regret,

but I did miss out on some
experiences and stuff.

Yeah, like threesomes.

- No, I didn't mean...
- Like sex with Italian guys?

More like Nordic.

But I didn't mean sex, I
meant life and dating

and, you know, stuff like that.

Yeah.

Like, how do I know
that Bo's the one?

I mean, my friends all
thought I was crazy

to go out with Bo
when Cole liked me.

Who's Cole?

This guy at my school.

He's like the anti-Bo.

He's like always reading,
mature, really sweet.

So why did you pick Bo?

Cause Bo's wild.

He used to smash bang-snaps
on his forehead.

Cole would never do that.

He was too busy tutoring or,
you know, doing debate team.

Wow.

This Cole guy sounds
kind of great.

I mean, it's nice to kind
of explore your options.

Even though it's probably
too late now, right?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Right.

What are we doing?

Look, Cheyenne,

I just want you to do what's
gonna make you happy.

You know, whether that's being
with a sweet, responsible guy

who likes books and
helping people,

or whether that's Bo
who's a wannabe rapper,

who's saving up
for a gold tooth.

I trust you to make
the right decision.

Thanks, Amy.

You're welcome.

You're so old and wise.

Okay.

44, 43, 42...

What are you doing?

"Employees may take no
longer than 15 minutes

for their lunch break."

I've been timing you
since you walked in.

You got 40 seconds left.

Come on, I needed to
re-tighten my ponytail.

I can't go out there
looking like a slut.

Rules are rules,
that's what you said.

Unless you want to
go back on that?

35, 34, 33...

32...

Oh, it's so hot. It's
burning my mouth.

Less talking, more swallowing.

God, my mouth skin.

Hey, Bo.

Now I don't want to sway you,

but my church is offering
a nuptials package.

It includes a future baptism at
half-price, no blackout dates.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe jumping into this
is, like, a mistake.

- Oh.
- It's not like getting married

is gonna suddenly
fix everything.

We're still gonna be
fighting all the time,

all cramped up in Cheyenne's
mom's basement with the baby.

Well, you know, maybe
that's the problem.

You're all cooped up.

You're like one of those
chickens in the tiny cages

that can't turn around.

It makes them crazy, and
then they taste different.

The you talking about?

Look, a married couple
needs their own place.

My friend Kathy from church,
she's a real estate lady.

No, wait, Glenn, darn it.
It's 2016.

She's a real estate man.

I'm so sorry to hear that
your husband passed.

What was his name?

- Jeremy.
- Jeremy.

And how long ago
did he leave us?

Two years ago.

Oh, bless his soul.

Tell me more about him.

He loved camping, and
the outdoors and...

Hey!

Hold on, Mateo, she's in the
middle of a lovely story.

No, I found Jeremy in the
camping section again.

This dog's name is Jeremy?

Yep, little 2-year-old Jeremy.

That's so crazy.

You and I... You don't think...

Jeremy?

Are you in there?

The carpets were all
replaced last year.

And there's a washer/dryer
right behind the kitchen.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I was hoping for one
of those double staircases

that meet at the top.

You got any houses with
double staircases, Kathy?

Kind of like a
built-in fish tank,

big enough for, like,
a little shark?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

But wait, look at this kitchen.

So while you're cooking
you could just

put on some Motown
and groove on, baby.

Yeah, you know what.

Actually, I'm seeing a lot of

pretty good bang
spaces around here.

Got this countertop, this
nice little window zone here,

and what's up, these floors
are like made for it, right?

Yeah, but it's also
great for a family.

What do you think?

Throw in that dope brooch,
you've got a deal.

No.

Psych, I don't want
your ugly-ass brooch.

I'll take the place.

Wonderful. Great.

Yes, I'm thrilled.

Glenn, I assume
you're cosigning.

Cosigning?

Wait, like I'd be
responsible for...

Yes, in case he can't
pay or there's damage.

I texted Cole.

- Wow, really?
- Yeah.

And he came over right away.

He's right over there.

Oh, wow, he's cute.

I know, right?

Do you want to meet him?

Sure.

Hey, Cole!

Come over here!

Okay, just be cool.

So Cole, um...

Cheyenne says she knows
you from school?

Sophomore English.

Oh, okay, but, so...

- You were her teacher.
- I was her teacher.

- Uh-huh, yeah.
- That's, uh, so...

Don't worry, nothing
happened back then.

I read the laws very carefully.

Oh, good.

He's so romantic.

I don't want to make a
big deal out of it,

but these dogs are
actually celebrity dogs.

Oh, this one over here, he was
in a movie with George Clooney.

Oh, cool.

And this one is friends
with John Leguizamo.

I think I'll take
the Clooney one.

That's an excellent choice.

Not a Leguizamo fan?

Move, I gotta pour one out.

"Employees are allotted

one bathroom break per shift."

You took one a little earlier.

I know 'cause I wrote it down.

That was a false alarm.
I barely went.

We're talking less
than a half an ounce.

What was it they
said about rules?

That's right, rules are rules.

You think this bothers me?

I do a thousand Kegels a day.

I could break a
walnut down there.

Okay, I have the papers

all ready for both
of you to sign.

Just as soon as Ricky texts me
your Social Security number.

Hey, my boy Ricky's
got all my numbers.

Okay, you know what, homies,
I've been thinking.

Nerd.

I'm not sure I still love this.

I mean this kitchen,
isn't it too open?

I mean, you can be attacked
from any direction here.

Oh.

That is Ricky with your Social.

Yeah, boy, let's do this.

And that is Ricky's penis.

Naw, that's Jared's.
Ricky wishes.

♪ Free your mind ♪

♪ And the rest will follow ♪

♪ Be color blind ♪

Go ahead, pick out anything
you want under $10.

Oh, that's okay.

Besides all the jewelry
here gives me a rash.

So sorry to interrupt.

Cheyenne, can I speak to
you for a moment alone?

Sure, I'll miss you.

Thanks.

- Cheyenne?
- Mm-hmm?

You cannot go out with that guy.

Why?

Because he's a middle-aged man.

And because he was your teacher.

Do you really need
another reason?

Cole says we are all teachers
and journeymen and thieves.

Isn't that beautiful?

No, it's terrible.

And what about Bo?

Really?

I always thought that
you didn't like Bo.

I'm probably just a
little intimidated

by his talent, and his looks,
and, you know, his face.

He's the whole package.

Oh, that's really
nice of you to say.

I don't know why he
doesn't like you.

I'm sorry, what?

Bo doesn't like me?

Yeah, he says you're a poser.

Okay. Um.

Whatever. That's
beside the point.

The point is if I had to
pick between Bo and Cole,

I would pick Bo.

If those were my
only two options.

Okay, I'll think about it.

He really called me a poser?

Yeah, a big one.

Bo's the poser.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God. You're fine.
You're fine.

You're fine, you're fine.
You can hold it forever.

It's like a steel trap.

I gotta say, we made
a pretty good team.

And I usually hate
being in teams.

I can get pretty competitive.

You know what, I actually
used to be the same way.

It's why I burnt out
of business school.

I thought you flunked out.

Well, I flunked out
because I burnt out.

Sounds like you're
making excuses.

Well, you weren't there so.

Anyway, the point is
I got super stressed

about being the
best in my class,

and I ended up in the hospital
with dehydration for two days.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I once got dehydration so bad I
was hospitalized for a month.

They said it was like the
worst case they'd ever seen.

Oh, my God. Really?

No, I was just trying
to beat your story.

Sorry, I'm competitive.

Yeah, well.

We all got our stuff.

I got more stuff
than you, though.

Okay.

I want to talk last.

Bo "The Truth" Thompson.

Ya boy, who's got...
Okay, all right.

That's plenty. Now, Glenn.

Oh. Thank you.

Yo, it's G-L-E-M.

Okay, I know how to
spell my own name,

and it's Glenn, not Glem.

Glenn?

What the hell kind
of name is Glenn?

I can't sign this.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

Take the job in St.
Louis, Kathy.

You won't miss New York at all.

- Christ.
- Katherine.

Okay, this was your idea, yo.

If it was just my money I
wouldn't care, I swear.

But I have a family, Bo.

I'm sorry.

You know, I get it.

Maybe someday, right?

Get a place just like this.

Mark the baby's tallness on the
door frame, just watch her grow.

Sit around here and
have dinners together,

watching the news,

roasting chestnuts
on an open fire.

Mm-hmm.

Folks all dressed
up like "Exkimos."

Cripes, Kathy, fine,
you've got a sale.

- What?
- Oh, hooray a rental.

I just made $12.

Why you got to be a Kathy?

♪

I'm really not sure we're
meant to be together.

I totally understand,

but I am sure

and I'm the adult here,

so why don't we go and
talk about it in my car?

Oh, hell, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mr. Eastwick?

Mr. Thompson, uh, nice to s...
see you.

You flunked me out
of English class,

and now you're flirting
with my girl, son?

Bo, nothing is going on.

Let's just talk this through.

Talk it through like one of
the "Voices of Fiction"?

We're not there right now.
We're in my house, boy.

- Okay.
- How do you like that, huh?

- I don't like it.
- What're you talking about?

Read this book.

You little bitch.

Don't hurt Bo.

Oh, my God, the shampoo!

Yeah, hit him!

Oh, God, this is pathetic.

Come on guys, no.

Break it up.

Whoa, someone's
touching my junk.

No!

He's so romantic.

No. Come on, put
away your camera.

There's nothing
interesting here.

Now Brett's got
to clean this up.

Come on, guys. Be considerate.

There's nothing
interesting here.

The comments are so mean.

Do I look like "a
gigantic, red baby"?

No.

Oh, what's the hurry?

Bathroom. I'm off the clock.

Oh, you know what, restrooms
are for customers only,

and it doesn't appear that
you've purchased anything.

- Oh, a stapler?
- Yeah, I could use this.

Sure you can. We could
all use a stapler.

You're gonna pay
for this tomorrow.

- I don't work tomorrow.
- Then the next day.

- Not until Sunday.
- Sunday then.

Sunday you will pay for...
oh wait, I'm not in Sunday.

Damn it.

This is so worth the two hours.

I hate you so much.

Guys, thank you both so
much for everything.

So is everything okay with Bo?

Yeah, we're not gonna get
married this weekend,

but we're gonna be okay.

Yo, Chey, where the
dog treats at, yo?

You adopted many dogs.

Oh yeah, I got it
all figured out.

The dogs take care of the baby,

and the baby grows up and
takes care of the dogs.

Whomp. Whomp.

- Circle of life.
- She gets it.

See, I'm not a poser.

Lets get them to their new home.

This is Ding-Dong. That's Weed.

This is Richard, and
that's Snapdragon.

There goes my security deposit.

Oh, yeah.

Wow, you guys really got
all the dogs adopted.

- Yup.
- That's great.

I guess I'll just wait till next
week to see the injection guy.

You know what, I'm an adult.

I'm gonna call him on the...
I'm gonna text him.

- Sounds good.
- Cool.

I'm gonna do it now.

Well, nice working with you.

It was nice working
with you too.

Hey, you know, I was thinking
of seeing a movie tonight

if you want...

I'm seeing two movies.

Okay.

Oh, the dogs are all gone?

- Girl.
- Uh-huh.

Were they cuddly?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.