Superstore (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Spokesman Scandal - full transcript

Hey! Kyle the Cloud
9 Cloud here!

And I'm about to make
it rain savings!

15% off all dental products!

You want the tooth?

You can't handle the tooth!

Meatballs with a
chance of clouds?

Give me a break!

A dance break!

♪ ♪

male announcer: He
killed 14 people

and ate the meat
off their bones.



Announcer: That's what the FBI has
claimed about Daniel Hertzler,

better known to millions
as Kyle the Cloud 9 Cloud.

Damn, when white people go
crazy, they really do it up.

Yeah, we pretty much still have the
market cornered on serial killing.

It's one of the last
non-integrated industries.

Okay, look, this is not the
best in-store viewing.

Amy, could you change it?

Right. Got it.

Um...

Oh. Oh, no, no.

No, that just made it worse.

Yeah, thank you, Jonah.

I'm sorry, Amy, could
you just let me do it?

Do you mind if I try? Thank you.



Male announcer: And purchased
at a Cloud 9 store.

Oh, no.

Announcer: All the
victims were sawed into

evenly portioned pieces

with their genitals
preserved in pickling jars.

- That makes sense.
- Oh.

We sell pickle jars?

- No, no.
- It's not working.

We're gonna have
to drown this out.

Everybody sing, okay?

♪ Down in the valley
where Ezekiel wept ♪

♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪

Come on, what's wrong with you?

Garrett, give me a
beat or something.

Anything.

Okay.

♪ The finger of the devil is
poking through the foam ♪

- All: ♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪
- Cry it out!

♪ And the slide to hell
goes all the way down ♪

All: ♪ Cry, Ezekiel, cry ♪

Cry it out!

♪ ♪

As most of you may have
heard, our company spokesman

has been accused of
some improprieties.

By improprieties,
you mean killing

and eating people, right?

Or is there a tax evasion
thing going on as well?

The killing and eating.

I can't speak to
his tax situation.

Anyway, does anybody
have any questions?

What is the difference between
a zombie and a cannibal?

Oh, okay, a zombie is undead,

and a cannibal's just, like,
a dude who eats people.

So I kind of meant
work-related questions.

But I'm right though?

He is correct.

I have a work-related question.

What security measures are we
taking to avoid revenge crimes?

Revenge crimes?

Families of the victims
trying to eat us as payback.

I mean, that's what I would do.

Okay, let's not
rush to judgment.

These are just allegations.

I'm sure he didn't do it.

Wait, Glenn?

Why are you so sure
he didn't do it?

Because, Amy, I met Kyle at a
corporate conference last year.

We had a great conversation.

He seemed like a good guy.

Well, that settles it.

I guess there's no
reason for a trial.

I am telling you, there
is no way that good man

could have done this
horrible thing.

Right, Jeff?

Uh-huh.

♪ ♪

You know, this was creepy even
before he murdered people.

This paint smells like wet dog,

and it's gonna take at least
three coats to cover this.

This is the worst day ever.

The worst.

I mean, obviously, Kyle
the Cloud's victims...

Yeah. No, no.

Had a worse day when he ate
their flesh off their bones.

Terrible day. That
was a terrible day.

Goes without saying. Yeah.

Yeah.

Although, at least their
suffering is over, you know?

Ours has just begun.

Is it insensitive
that I'd rather

be in Kyle the Cloud's basement?

No.

At least you could
read down there.

And it would be
so dark and cool.

So dark and cool.

That would be so nice.

That's my baby sleeping.

- Oh, cool.
- Aww.

Sleeping.

So cute.

- Sleeping.
- Like a little angel.

Sleeping.

Oh. Oh, my gosh, this
next one's kind of funny.

Sleeping.

Okay, guys, guys, guys, I
need everyone's opinion.

Especially you, Garrett, since your
brand is telling it like it is.

Oh, thank you for noticing.

Did you guys pick up
on any weird tension

between me and Jeff
at that meeting?

'Cause I think he
might be into me.

Oh, I thought you were joking.

No.

I am so sorry.

Stop bullying, Sandra.

Why do you think he's into you?

Okay, the last time he was here,

he came up to me at
the end of the day,

looked me straight in
the eyes and said,

"I noticed you."

He said, "I noticed you"?

Ooh, Jeff is slutty.

Okay, it's not what he
said, it's how he said it.

It wasn't like...

"I noticed you."

It was like...

"I noticed you."

No, that wasn't it.

It was more like...

"I noticed you."

Ah, that sounded Scottish.

Male announcer: Police
discovered a secret

dungeon where the actor
would videotape himself

dismembering and
devouring his victims,

often while in cloud costume.

Oh, God.

I've said it once,
I'll say it again:

You are a terrible
judge of character.

Also you have a weak chin
and you can't dance.

Announcer: Additional items
found on the property

were a coffin filled with hair

and several small
bags of marijuana.

Wait, they found marijuana?

This is incredible!

Oh, no!

Get that weak chin off me!

They found marijuana!

He was high!

I hate him.

So much.

We definitely need smocks

because you make your
brushes too juicy.

Hello, Clarice.

Oh, gross, stop.

It's crazy how much Kyle
stuff we have to throw away.

Corporate really put their
money on "not a cannibal."

Oh, God, they used to make us wear
this suit to hand out flyers.

Dare you to put it on.

No. No, thank you.

Oh, okay, fine. No, I get it.

You don't want to put
on the cloud suit

because you've already got
a big chicken suit on

'cause you're a big chicken.

Oh, my God.

Is that supposed to pressure
me into putting the suit on?

You're right, you're right.

Doing awesome things
is overrated.

Just go back to painting.

Well, grab an umbrella

'cause there's a
cloud moving in.

Psssh.

What does that even mean?

Oh, my God! You're doing it.

Okay, sorry. Say your
cool line again.

- Say it.
- Well, grab...

no, we're past it.

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪

Isn't that terrible?

Today, of all days, she's
dressed like the killer.

Why would she do that?

Hi.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

I wouldn't let my
kids touch that.

It says on your website
that all your rooms

have Animal Planet.

Hey there.

I noticed you were on the phone.

No, it's not life or death,
it's just, you know,

at the end of a hard day,
sometimes you want to come home

and watch some monkeys
swinging around on the trees.

I'm just gonna come back later.

I'm sorry, could you hold
on one second please?

Hey.

There's something I'd
like to ask you,

but I feel a little
weird about it.

Oh, no. Please, please.

- Yeah?
- Yep, ask away.

Somebody vomited in
the ladies room,

multiple stalls.

Would you mind?

Of course.

Great, thank you. Thanks.

I appreciate that.

Hi, yes, while I have
you on the phone,

I wanted to ask you why
the curtains were gone

when I got back last night.

I'd prefer to have them.

- Just louder.
- I'm hungry.

What is wrong with her?

I'm hungry.

Amy.

What are you wearing that for?

Be... Jonah...

Ah, buh, buh, buh, buh.

I'm dressed in this costume
to show my support

for the cannibal lifestyle.

Oh.

Oh, well, as it turns out,

Kyle was not a cannibal.

He was only killing
and eating people

because he was
high on marijuana.

What?

It's just that I don't think that
marijuana turns people into murderers.

Otherwise we'd literally
be surrounded by killers.

You don't think people in this
store do marijuana, do you?

I mean...

Uh, probably.

Well, how... how many of them?

Like...

Half.

Half?

Wait, half do, or half don't?

It's both.

Both?

Okay, so, tummy time is
literally just a baby

spending time on its tummy.

Hmm.

Wait, she's gonna
turn her head...

now.

Nope, now.

Nope, now.

Nope.

Oh, sorry, guys, bad timing.

Hi, Bo, I was just showing
them the tummy time video.

No, not that one, the good one.

This has got to stop.

Thank you.

She is breaking an
unspoken social contract.

You show one photo.

One.

And we all say it's the
cutest baby we ever seen

even if it's creepy,
which it is,

because it's a
shrunken-down human,

and then we all move
on with our lives.

I mean, I have a ton
of photos of my dogs,

but no one wants to see those.

Right?

Right.

Yeah.

Not even the one where
they're dressed as Ewoks.

All right, you know
I got to see that.

Okay, come on now.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Little Ewok dog.

You stealing a speeder?

You can't drive a
speeder, Ewok dog.

Hey, Cody.

Hey.

Hey. Just ignore me.

Just wanted to tell
you I value you.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I'm going to go
over there, okay?

If you're smelling the workers,
you gotta smell Elias.

On Thursdays he smells like ham.

It's hilarious.

Dina, do you think that
marijuana could've had anything

to do with what Kyle did?

That's just about
the stupidest thing

you've ever said.

Fine.

I'm just wondering
if I have to start

drug testing the employees.

But you always say that you
don't want to do that.

I know, but if the alternative is
someone in this store getting eaten.

Oh, wow. Ooh.

Well, to be safe, I mean,
I could do a surprise

comprehensive drug test,
but that's your call.

I mean, I could go either way.

Do it, don't do it.

I mean, if I had to decide, I
guess I'm leaning towards do it.

Yes. Okay.

Go for it.

It's up to you.

♪ ♪

I'm coming for you, Tommy Chong.

I'm coming for you.

♪ ♪

How much longer do I have?

Three minutes.

You can just give up.

Nope!

I take not being a
chicken very seriously.

I'm doing a dare.

I'm winning.

The test will detect any
drugs in your system.

We're talking marijuana, cocaine,
heroin, methamphetamines.

What about power pellets?

Ah...

I don't see that. What are they?

Oh, you just take
some big boppers,

you cut in some fetty wap,
you put a little disco shake

on there, and then you roll
that up in some Doc McStuffins.

Smoke it.

Get real high.

All right, we're gonna be
testing for everything, okay?

Excuse me, I just remembered
I have to leave early.

- I have a thing at the place.
- What place?

That place. You know, the one
we talked about earlier.

You talked to me about it?

Yeah, I filled out an application and
Brett saw it, he said it's cool, so...

You spoke to Brett about it?

Okay, nobody is leaving until I get
three ounces of yellow, all right?

Okay, look, everyone, Dina
has my full support on this.

Okay, this is for
your protection.

Look, people, if you
haven't done any drugs

in the last 72 hours, you
have nothing to worry about.

What about way too much wine?

I'm so bad.

Justine, you're
not an alcoholic.

Stop bragging.

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers:

We hope you're
having a lovely day.

If you have any
questions or concerns,

please find our lead
salesman, Charles.

Is there anything we
should know about him?

He is in charge.

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days ♪

♪ And our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs ♪

♪ And our rights ♪

♪ And I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of me ♪

- Hey, Mateo.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Umm...

Do you think I could
have your number?

My number?

Sure, you can have my number.

- It's 314...
- Mm-hmm.

- 982.
- Got it.

Employee number 314982 is getting a
letter of commendation in his file.

Oh.

For cleaning up the vomit.

Yeah.

You are a good vomit mopper.

Damn.

It is getting steamy in here.

I'm just saying, usually
one person dares

and then the other
person has to do it.

You... you understand
that, right?

Yep, I get it.

I just don't want you
to have all the fun.

Oh, listen, if you want to do
this thing alone, by all means.

- Nope.
- I have no problem...

All right, hold on.

Sorry! Sorry!

Move out of the way!

- Hands up!
- Okay, okay!

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hi, Jeff.

What are you doing?

Product testing.

Product testing.

Okay.

Bye, Jeff.

- That was awesome.
- Yep. One more time?

- Yeah.
- How do we get back there?

Let's... I don't know.
Kinda shimmy over?

Yes, yes, we're get...
we're doing it.

- Is it moving?
- We're getting it.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Great.

We get the results tomorrow and
I'll call everyone who's fired.

Actually, I'll just call
those who aren't fired.

It'll save me some time.

No, I don't want to
start firing people.

Okay, look, maybe we
shouldn't be doing this.

Look, I get it. You
love these people.

I do too, but we told them
there would be a urine test,

so we have to follow through on
this or they won't respect us.

I... I don't believe
that's true.

It is true.

They'll think we're weak and
they'll think we're liars.

Is that who we are?

Huh?

Are we weak liars?

No, we're strong truth tellers.

Heck yeah we are. Pep up.

The lab comes at 5:00.

♪ ♪

You know that's
human urine, right?

Suit yourself.

When she's hungry, it's like...

But when she's
tired, it's like...

And when she's...

Just shut up about the baby!

Oh.

Um, okay.

What?

What, was I talking too
much about the baby?

I can stop.

Oh.

Great. Well, thank you.

I mean, it's not that we don't
want to hear about your baby,

it's just that it's been a lot.

No, I understand.

It's like you with
your sneakers.

What you mean?

Oh, you know, how
you're always like,

"Oh, yeah, I just ordered
my pair of retro Jordans

that are coming in two days."

"You can only get these
kicks in Japan."

Wow.

Really seeing everybody's
true colors today.

Real cool.

Well, I'm taking off.

All right, have a good night.

I gotta stop by the hotel first.

I guess there was some kind
of a rodent/bedbug fire.

So that's...

and after that, though, I was
gonna hit the new Italian place.

Are you busy?

Nope.

Oh, let me guess, you want me to clean
up that dead pigeon in aisle six?

No, I was just wondering if
you wanted to get dinner.

You mean, like,
pick it up for you?

No, I mean, like, take
you out to dinner

to the Italian place
that I just mentioned.

Have you never been asked
out on a date before?

You're asking me out on a date?

Uh-huh.

I knew it!

Oh, I thought, but
then Garrett...

Ha! I knew it.

So is that a yes?

Oh. Um...

I haven't even really
thought about that.

I usually don't date white
guys, but you know what?

Sure, why not?

Great.

Oh, my God, I cannot wait to tell
Garrett that I was right about this.

I'm gonna rub it in
his stupid face.

Well, you see, this is where
it gets a little touchy.

Just as a manager, I shouldn't
really be dating any employees,

so we would have to keep this
between us if that's okay.

Yeah.

You're the boss.

I should really get
on that dead pigeon.

Yes, I didn't want to ask 'cause I
didn't want to ruin the moment.

- Hey, Glenn.
- Mm.

What's going on?

Oh, I'm just having a bad day.

You want to talk about it?

I'm happy to be your blender.

My blender?

Yeah, you know, like, you
give me your thoughts

and your feelings, and I'll mix 'em up
and give you back something real good.

Okay, I'm not sure I
made the right decision

about this whole
drug testing thing.

Yeah, it's a bit extreme.

Sort of like a... it's like a
watermelon-sized reaction.

- Watermelon.
- Yeah.

It's just, I was so
wrong about Kyle.

It makes me question how much I
really know the people around here.

Sure, you don't know
everything about everyone,

but you know the
important stuff.

Like, you know that
Garrett is a can of soup.

You know, he's hard
on the outside,

but warm and soft on the inside.

He is a can of soup.

Yeah.

And Cheyenne is...
Cheyenne's a yoga mat.

She's colorful and she's fun,

and... then also she's,
like, a little thick.

Yeah. Ah.

Yeah, yeah.

And... and Jonah
is an alarm clock.

He's just, like, so
annoying in the morning.

So annoying.

Yeah, you just kinda wanna...

I'd like to throw him
at the wall some days.

Right?

And you're the golf club.
You know?

You're... you're the one that...

you're the one that...

That drives the worker balls

soaring towards their
full potential.

- Yes.
- Yeah!

Exactly.

Thank you, Amy.

- You've really got a way with words.
- Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna go tee off on someone.

Dina, cancel the tests.

The golf club is here.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what
I'm talking about.

- We...
- Whoa, whoa!

Don't...

need...

these...

anymore.

My coffee cup's in there.

Yes, it is.

Okay, Amy.

Hey.

How's it going?

Good to see you. Good afternoon.

It is cold in here, isn't it?

They crank that A/C up.

I need a drink myself.

Hi.

Good afternoon.

Hey.

Be careful what you wish for

'cause you just might a-get it.

Oh, hey, man.

Oh, hey, Adam.

What... how's it... what's...
what's going on, man?

Adam just came to pick me up.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I'm going as well.

It's the end of the day.

I'm tired myself.

Yeah, I get it.

I was just... just coming
to say good-bye. Um...

I'll catch you on the flip
side, all right, bro?

It's good to see you.

Okay.

So...

what was that about?

Um...

nothing.

He's just weird.

Oh, we should set him
up with your brother.