Supernatural (2005–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - The French Mistake - full transcript

To protect Sam and Dean from a surprise attack from Raphael, Balthazar sends them both into an alternate universe where their lives are a TV show called Supernatural (2005).

Angels gotta have something to do
now that we're post-Apocalypse.

Raphael and his followers,
they want him to rule heaven.

I and many others,
the last thing we want...

- is to let him take over.
- You're talking civil war.

- Balthazar.
- It's so good to see you.

- You stole the staff of Moses?
- I stole a lot of things.

- I need the weapons.
- Don't ask that.

We can beat Raphael.
We can end this.

Tell, uh, Raphael to bite me.



- Till next time.
- I gotta make a call.

- I got a cell you can use.
- Not that kind of call.

Yes, Father.


- Ruby!
- Good to see you again.

She's a demon, Sam. Period.
They want us dead, we want them dead.

Look what she did to you.
She's poison, Sam.

Where's Bobby?

- In town. Supply run.
- In this?

Man is a hero.
We are officially out of hunter's helper.

Hello, boys.

- Seen The Godfather, right?
- Balthazar?

When Michael Corleone sends his men
to kill his enemies in one bloody swoop.


Dead Sea brine. Good, good, good.

Then Moe Greene gets hit in the eye.
Don Cuneo gets it in the revolving door.

I said, hey.

You did. Twice. Good for you.

Blood of lamb. Blood of lamb.

Yeah. Who keeps their blood of lamb?

Yes. Blood of lamb.

- Why you talking about The Godfather?
- We're in it now.


And in the role of Michael Corleone:
the archangel Raphael.

Mind telling us what you mean?

No, no, no.

No, no, no.


Bone of a lesser saint.

This vertebra will do very nicely.

Your Mr. Singer does keep
a beautiful pantry.

- Wait. Raphael is after you?
- Raphael is after us all.

You see, he consolidated his strength
and now he's on the move.

- And where's Cass?
- Oh, Cassie?

He is deep, deep underground.

So good old Raphie put out a hit list...

on every Samaritan
who helped our dear Cass.

Including both of you.

And so much more importantly, me.

See, he wants to draw Cass
out in the open.

- You expect us to just believe you?
- Oh, don't.

- You'll go where I throw you, either way.
- What's that supposed to mean?

And that's all the time we have,

Where is it?

Oh, what happened there?

Oh, garish, I know.

You see, Uncle Raphie sent
one of his nastiest to handle me.

I'm flattered, actually.

And down a lung, at the moment,
but that's all right.

Here's for you.

- What am I supposed to do with this?
- Run with it.


I said run!


- Real good solid fall. Way to go.
- Jared, Jensen.

Outstanding. That was just great.

Supernatural, scene one, "Echo."
Take one, tail slate. Marker.

So no angels?

No angels, I think.

- But that was great.
- It's not a problem with the stunt.

It's a problem with the signal.

- Should we be killing anybody?
- I don't think so.

How much did we get?

- Running?
- Where?

Gets us right up to where they...
Just before they hit the window.

The part where they hit the window
was the good part.

We can clean up, reset the window.
Takes about 95 minutes, basically...

so we'd have to blow off the scene
where they sit on the Impala...

- and talk about their feelings.
- Ha! Right.

- You answer the hate mail.
- Or we have them fly at the window...

then freeze frame.

- Then cut to black. Act out.
- Freeze frame.

Um... Yeah.

Freeze frame.


Fine. Whatever.

Season six.

- Moving on.
- Moving on!

All right, we're done.

That's a wrap on Jared and Jensen.

Who the hell are...?

Jared. Three minutes, okay? Great.

Where are we going?

Jensen, there you are.
Let's just get you in the chair.

The chair?

Okay, hon, we're just gonna
get this makeup off your face.

Whoa, I'm not wearing any ma...

Oh, crap.

I'm a painted whore.

Trish Evian here with Jared Padalecki
from TV's Supernatural.

So, Jared...

season six.

- What?
- You beat the devil, lost your soul...

and got it back again. So tell us,
what's next for Sam Winchester?

- Look, I really don't...
- Include the question in your answer.

- Thanks.
- Heh.

- Cool.
- Thanks.

- Hey.
- Dude, they put freaking makeup on us.

- Those bastards.
- I know what this is.

- What?
- It's a TV show.

- You think?
- Wait, I mean, here, wherever here is...

this Twilight Zone
Balthazar zapped us into.

For whatever reason,
our life is a TV show.

- Why?
- I don't know.

Why would anybody wanna watch
our lives?

Well, I mean, according to the
interviewer, not very many people do.

I'm not saying it makes sense.
We landed in some dimension...

where you're Jensen Ackles...

and I'm something
called a Jared Padalecki.

So, what, now you're Polish?
Is any of this making any sense to you?

Oh. Hey, at least my baby made it.

Hey. Hey, what...?

I feel sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

I wanna go home. I feel like
this whole place is bad-touching me.

Yeah, I know. Me too.
So, what do you think? Cass?

It's our best shot, if he's still alive.

Dear Castiel, who art maybe running
his ass away from heaven...

we pray that you have your ears on.

So breaker, breaker.

Cass? Cass. Hey.

Cass. Oh, thank God.

What is all this?
What did Balthazar do to us?

To keep you out of Virgil's reach,
he's cast you into an alternate reality...

a universe similar to ours
in most respects...

yet dramatically different in others.

Like Bizarro Earth, right?

Except instead of having
Bizarro Superman...

we get this clown factory.

Um... Yeah, well...

Anyway, no time to explain.
Do you have the key?

Yeah. So, what does
this thing do anyway?

- It opens a room.
- What's in the room?

Every weapon Balthazar stole
from heaven.

- He gave it to us?
- To keep it safe, till I could reach you.

With those weapons,
I have a chance to rally my forces.

Oh, okay, good.

Yeah. So now, what's the deal
with all this TV crap?

- Pardon?
- Amen, Padaleski.

- Lecki.
- What?

Lecki. I'm pretty sure.

Man, they put out new pages?

- New what?
- Is this a cosmic joke?

- If it is, it's stupid and we don't get it.
- Yeah.

Are you guys okay?

Give me that. What is...?

These are words in a script.
This isn't Cass.

- But look at him.
- You guys wanna run lines or...?

His name is Misha. Misha?

Oh, wow, just great.

Misha? Jensen?
What's up with the names around here?

Oh. You guys, you really punked me.

I'm totally gonna tweet this one.

Hola, Mishamigos.

J-Squared got me good.

I wanna dig my finger into my brain
and scratch it till we're back in Kansas.

Really starting to feel
like one of the guys.


J. Ackles.

- That's fake me.
- Yeah.

This must be fake mine.

Dude, I have a helicopter.

Whoa. All right, who puts
a 300-gallon aquarium in their trailer?

Apparently, Jensen Ackles.


All right. Here we go.
Let's see who this guy is.

Well, he's not a hunter,
but he plays one on TV.

Oh, come on.

Look at these male-modeling
sons of bitches.

Nice Blue Steel, Sam.

Hey, apparently it's our job.

All right. Here it goes.
Says you're from Texas.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And, uh...

Oh. Says you were on a soap opera.


Well, if I didn't have cancer...

and I wasn't married,
and I had plenty of money...

would you wanna run away
with me?


You think I care about money?
I care that you're healthy.

Well, I'm no quitter, Eric. I...

Don't like this universe, Sammy.

- We need to get out of this.
- Yeah. No argument here.

But I don't think our prayers
are reaching Cass.

- Or the real Cass.
- Well, I agree.

I think we are definitely out
of soul-phone range but...


If we can reverse Balthazar's spell.

I watched every move.

If we just get the ingredients, right?

Get back to that same window and...

There's no place like home.

Backbone of a lesser saint. Got it.


It's rubber.

Check this out.

Hey, look. It's fake.

It's all fake.

Well, at least they're talking
to each other.

What are we supposed to do
with this crap?

Of course, everything is fake.
We're on a film set.

- We gotta get back to the real world.
- Yeah, now you're talking.

All right, we go round up the genuine
articles, bring them here for the spell.

What the hell is going on?

- What is wrong with this thing?
- Mr. Ackles, please.

- Dean.
- Mr. Ackles, please stop.

It's not the Impala.

- You think?
- Please.

It's a freaking prop.

Just like everything else.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

How are we supposed to get out?

You know whereabouts
you want me to drop you off?


Me? Yes. Uh...

I... I'll just tag along with, uh...

- Jared.
- Jared here.

- Since when are you guys talking?
- Yeah, you know what, Clint?


Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Clif, obviously.

So I think we're gonna go back
to my place...

and do some work.

- Work on our acting.
- Yeah.

- For our characters. For the show.
- Mm-hm. Yeah.

All right. Ha-ha-ha.

Where are we, anyway?

We're not even in America.

Nice modest digs, Jay-z.

Wow. I must be the star of this thing.

Yeah, right.

Check it out.

What am I, Dracula?

George Hamilton Dracula.


Now we're talking.

Dude, you have a camel
in your back yard.

It's an alpaca, dumb-ass.


Ruby. Right.
Because that one never gets old.

How was work today, hon?

Wait, you and Ruby?

Do you honestly think that's funny,


Right. Because you're not Ruby.


I mean, how could you be?


Of course, you are the lovely actress
who plays Ruby.

And you are in Jared's house...

because you two are...


You married fake Ruby?

What are you doing?

Work. Work. Heh.

- Yeah. Just I thought I'd pop in.
- Say hey.

Hey. And maybe run some lines.

You've never even been to our house.

Well, now that I know there's an alpaca,
I'm definitely coming back.

Well, alpacas are the greenest animal.

Right. Right. That is so important.

Well, there's that thing
I have to get to.

Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah, the thing...

The International Otter Adoption
charity dinner?


Okay, well...

Well, I'm glad you two are talking,


- looks like you did all right.
- Yeah.


I should figure out her name.

"Wrist bone of saint
and holy reliquary.

from diocese in Oaxaca."

- Looks legit.
- All right.

Auction house is in Mexico City.
Could be there day after tomorrow.

We case it, yank it,
be back here by the end of the week.

- Or we could just buy it.
- What?

Dude, that thing's
over a hundred thou...

Hello, Jared Padalecki.


Triple rush?

No problemo because money is no...

- This baby is maxed.
- Wow.

They said it should be at the airport
first thing in the morning.

Money, man.

There is nothing like it.

All right. Couch.

TV star. Beauty rest.


Hey. Hi.

Hi, uh, Gen... Genevieve.

- Gen.
- Gen.

Gen, of course. Yeah.

So how was the otter thing?

- It was good.
- Yeah?

Everybody missed you there.

Oh. Wow. Wow.

I bet.
So listen, I gotta ask you a question.

Do you remember the year before last,
all those disasters?

- Disasters?
- Yeah.

Yeah. The whole earthquake spike.

You know, the 9.2 in Rome.

I mean, the 8.5 outside Boston.

The whole east-west tsunami-chain.

Yes, I remember all of those
from last season on your show.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

That's what I mean.
That's what I was talking about.

You have been Sam Winchester
way too long.

So I don't mean to pry, but why
are we picking up packages at 8 a. m...

that haven't cleared customs yet?

Just saving time.

- All right. Here we go.
- Not doing anything illegal, are we?

- Make you feel better if we said no?
- No.

- Whoa, what...? No, no.
- We finish in 12 hours if it kills us all.

Get A and B cam for scene 12.

What is this?

Here for the first run-through
before anyone else?


Can I talk to you for a second? Um...

We're gonna need the set cleared
for, safe side, an hour or so.

- You need it cleared?
- Yeah.

Yeah, me and Jared,
we're gonna do some actor stuff.

Jensen, we're thrilled to see you
collaborating so creatively.

And your enthusiasm is refreshing.

You know,
Dean Cain was like that on Lois.

And that man's a real actor.

And we will clear this set exactly
when we shoot...

the two and three-eighths pages
we are scheduled to shoot on this set.

So you do your actor stuff
and we'll do our camera stuff and...

Ooh. Priority. What's in it?

I bought part of a dead person.


Uh... So bad news.

Looks like we're gonna have to do
a little acting.


Supernatural, scene 36, take one.


Balthazar is no hero.

But he knows
Raphael will never take him back.


Supernatural, scene 36, take eight.



Balthazar is no hero.

He knows
Raphael will never take him back.

Dean, grimly.

And yet somehow
you got no problem with it.


What the hell?


That's because...

That's because
we have no other choice.

- Don't look at the camera.
- What?

Look anywhere but the camera.

That's because
we have no other choice.

Cut! For the love of...



If there's a key...

then there must also be a lock.



If there's a key...

then there has to be a lock.

And when we find the lock,
we can get the weapons.

Then we can have the weapons.

And the lock.
We'll have a lock, I imagine...

because we opened it
and the key that open...

We need to get all of that crap.

- What? Oh.
- That's how he does it.

Oh, yeah.

Do we really need all these lines?
I mean, I...

I think we've covered it.

- Hey?
- Cut!

What is happening?

What's happening?

What's happening?

An atrocity is happening.

- Seems like they should stop.
- They can't stop.

Nobody stops.

Did we get anything we can use?

Well, technically, we have them
saying everything in bits and pieces.

It could be sort of experimental.


Season six.

Who wrote this?
Nobody says "penultimate."

Gun, mouth, now.

- Moving on.
- Thank God.


J and J had a late one last night.

All right, damn it. We earned this.


Spell it out for me, please. What
is our terror alert level here?

I don't know, Sera. Orange maybe?

- They started talking to each other.
- But that's a good thing.

Right. I thought so.

Now Jensen's living at Jared's house.

- Plus, Clif says they're smuggling.
- That's it?

That's it, Toto.

Misha's tweet says
it's a black-market-organ thing.

I'm betting drugs.

Anyway, as far as I can see...

I think they've lost any shred of talent
they ever had.

- Oh, that one hurt.
- Drugs.

Maybe we did it wrong.


No, that spell was perfect.
It should have worked.

What if it can't?

Look, I was up all night,
looking online.

There is no sign that anything
like the Apocalypse happened here. Ever.

And as far as I can tell,
monsters, ghosts, demons...

they're all pretend.

- So nobody is hunting them?
- No hunters.

Maybe that's why our spell didn't work,

Maybe here, there's no supernatural,
no magic.

No demons, no hell, no heaven.
No God?

Something like.

Even better...

no angels.


Maybe we can't get out
of Earth Number 2 right now...

but the least we can do
is get out of the Canadian part.

If I hear one more conversation
about hockey, I'm gonna puke.

Wait a minute. This way, this way.

No, no, no. It's this way.

- It's this way.
- No, I really think that we should... Dean!

You think you can run?


Sorry, dude. Mojo-free zone.

- No magic in the house.
- Which makes you nothing but a dick.

You know, I oversee all the stunts,
coordinate all the fights.

That's exciting.

Is that one of yours, then?


Not good. Not good.

No, no, no.
Stop. You don't understand.

No, no! You are dead, Virgil!

Get off of me! Get back.

- We'll break your freaking neck!
- Die!

I'm trying to understand, Bob.

Well, Sera,
we don't really understand it ourselves...

but it appears that Jared and Jensen
were seen beating an extra to death.

- Huh.
- This is Jim.

It wasn't all the way to death.
Only partway, so that's a plus.

- He could definitely still run.
- And we'll follow up on that...

but I think the real issue here,

is that the boys appear to be...

on some kind of extended
psychedelic acid trip.

Okay. Maybe it would help if I...
I'll fly up and talk to them.

You know, I'm not sure
Jared and Jensen know who she is...

strictly speaking.
She's, you know, new. No offense.

- Right.
- Yeah, I think what we might need...

at this stage
is for Kripke to come up himself.

He created this show.
They'll listen to him.

How's that make me look?
I'm supposed to be running this thing.

Besides, Eric's off in some cabin
somewhere, writing his next pilot.

- He sold OctoCobra?
- Yes.

Mother of God. They'll buy anything.

Virgil broke through,
maybe he's got a way to get back.

Or he has no juice here,
and now he's stuck, like us.

Yeah. Either way,
I wanna finish kicking his ass.

- Good night, Misha.
- Night, little fella.

Ever get that feeling...

someone's in the back seat?

Frowny face.


There you are, guys.
You got a minute?

- We're looking for...
- That extra you tried to kill?

So is it money?

Is this the kind of act that goes away
if we can scare up coverage on a raise?

More money? You already pay
these two jokers enough as it is.

- Yeah.
- I'd like to think that over these years...

we've grown closer.

That you don't think of me
as Director Bob...

or Executive Producer Bob Singer.

But as Uncle Bob.

Wait, you're kidding. So the character
in the show, Bobby Singer...

What kind of douchebag names
a character after himself?

Oh, that's not right.

Okay, guys, let's begin again.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I don't think Virgil would have
shagged out...

- without getting his mitts on that key.
- Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Guys. You can't come to work
on poppers.

And smuggle kidneys in from Mexico.

And make up your own lines
as you go.

You cannot make up your own lines.

- Good God, what about your careers?
- You know what?

- Screw our careers, Bob.
- What?

You heard my brother.
That's right, I said brother.

Because you know what, Bob?
We're not actors.

We're hunters.

We're the Winchesters.
Always have been and always will be.

And where we're from,
people don't know who we are.

But you know what?
We matter to that world.

We even saved the son of a bitch
once or twice.

And yeah, okay, here,
maybe there's some fans...

- who give a crap about this nonsense.
- Wouldn't call it "nonsense."

But, Bob Singer...

if that even is your name...

tell me this.

What does it all mean?

Okay. This is good.

I mean, we've all had
our psychotic breaks, right?

I can work with this.

Dean. Virgil. I think he has the key.

We quit.


Okay, okay, okay. Easy, easy.

- How do you do it?
- Please.

Live in this grubby, shabby desert.

Nothing greater than yourselves.

- Nothing but dirt when you die.
- What? Ah!

No power. No magic.

- Please, I'm not following you at all.
- There's no magic in your universe.

- I'm sorry! Please!
- You're nothing...

- but a bag of strings and pulleys.
- What?

You should thank me
for what I'm about to do.

- Why?
- I need to make an important call.

I pray to God
that it even goes through.

This is what I've been reduced to.


- If we get in the police dispatch system...
- Put out an APB on Virgil.

- Might work, if he stays obvious.
- Not like we have time.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- What?
- Misha. He's been stabbed to death.

- Where?
- Where?


Yeah, yeah. Raphael.
Like the ninja turtle.

He was calling someone
name of Raphael up in heaven.

Yeah, that's right.

The scary man killed
the attractive crying man.

And then he started to pray.

And the strange part...

after a while,
I swear I heard this voice answering.

What'd it say?

- You know, it didn't make any sense.
- Try us.

The voice said for Virgil
to return tomorrow...

at the place where he crossed over
at the time of the crossing.

Raphael would reach through the
window and take him and the key home.

Okay. Hey, thank you.


If Virgil gets back with that key,
Cass is dead and our world is toast.

Well, then we stop him.

I mean, how bad can an angel
with no wings be?

I'd like to see that pump-action tactical,

You bet.

Nice choice.

You really know your ordnance, mister.

I am the weapons keeper of heaven.

Excuse me?

It's my job.

You know that if we drop Virgil,
get the key...

I mean, this might be it.
We might be stuck here.

No, we'll figure out a way back.

Yeah, you wouldn't be that broken up
if we didn't, though.

What? Don't be stupid.

Well, I'm just saying,
no hell below us, above us only sky.

Dean, our friends are back there.

Yeah, but here,
you got a pretty good life.

I mean, back home, the hits have been
coming since you were six months old.

You gotta admit, being a bazillionaire,
married to Ruby?

The whole package. It's no contest.

No, you know, you were right.

We just don't mean
the same thing here.

I mean,
we're not even brothers here, man.

All right, then.
Let's get our crazy show back home.

Oh, this might be him here.

Bob, dude. What the hell, right?

- Eric. Thanks for coming.
- Of course.

It means a lot
that we can still call on you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Misha, right?
- I know. It's just awful.

- Oh, totally awful. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Got us the front page of Variety, though.
Did you see that?

- Front page? Really?
- Yeah.

- But tragic.
- Yeah, tragic.

- That's what I was gonna say.
- Yeah. How's OctoCobra?

Oh. I think I really had a breakthrough.
Tell you all about it over lunch.

- I can't wait.
- Yeah.

Okay. So I am just gonna
bust in their trailer, guns blazing...

and then take care
of this whole mess and...

What's the matter?

- What?
- That guy. I think that's the extra.

Oh. Fantastic. We can nip this bud
right out of the gate.

Hey! Extra! Over here!

He's got a gun.


I don't think we have gunfire
on the call sheet today.


Dean, got it.

Raphael. Run.

You two...

have the strangest luck.


Nice meat suit.

Dude looks like a lady.

The key.

And that will open you a locker
at the Albany bus station.


I needed a modest decoy
to make it more convincing.

- Give me the weapons.
- Sorry, darling. They're gone.

- What?
- I said, too bloody late.

You see, they were so well hidden
that I needed time to find them.

So I volunteered these two marmosets
for a game of fetch with Virgil.

You two were such an adequate stick.
Thank you. Thank you, boys.

You've made your last mistake.

I've got a few more up my sleeve,

Step away from him, Raphael.

I have the weapons now.
Their power is with me.


If you don't want to die tonight...

back off.

Well, Cass...

now that you have your sword,
try not to die by it.

Cass, what the hell?

Wait. Wait, you were in on this?
Using us as a diversion?

It was Balthazar's plan.

I would have done the same thing.

That's not comforting, Cass.

When will I be able
to make you understand?

If I lose against Raphael,
we all lose everything.

Yeah, Cass, we know the stakes.
That's about all you've told us.

I'm sorry about all this.

I'll explain when I can.

Frigging angels.

Solid. It's real.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Real, moldy, termite-eaten
home, sweet home.

Chock full of crap that wanna skin you.
Oh, and...

we're broke again.


But, hey...

at least we're talking.