Succession (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Austerlitz - full transcript
The Roys gather for a family therapy session; Kendall finds his sobriety tested.
(SIREN BLARING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Mr. Roy.
-(LOGAN GRUNTS)
Hey, Logan Roy!
Mind if I get a quick photo?
-|'m a big fan.
-Step back.
Big, big fan. I love your work.
I love everything you do.
-I love all the racism, misogyny...
-Step off.
-|t's really cool stuff!
-Security!
-WOMAN: Logan, over here!
-(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
MAN: That's my fucking piss!
You're fucking monopolist scum!
-Did it get in your eye?
-LOGAN: Yeah.
MAN: I hope you die!
COLIN: Can you open this up, please?
-I want no one else in here.
-All right, stay back.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUMBLING)
COLIN: Can we get
another shirt down here?
We had an incident outside
with Mr. Roy.
(LOGAN GRUNTING)
(EXHALES)
ROMAN: How many people do you think
pissed in that bag
to get all that piss?
-I mean, it'sjust urine.
-LOGAN: I'm good, I'm good.
No fuss, no fuss, I'm good. Okay?
(SIGHS)
-Are you okay?
-LOGAN: Fine.
Don't get all over me.
-Okay?
-Okay.
These trust-fund YouTube shits. Ugh.
God, we had a couple of these guys...
I'm here. Okay?
Now, I understand
you want me to go through
my every thought with you.
I appreciate finally getting a chance
to talk through these very major moves
you're considering, yes.
We've become aware
of some very desirable assets
that are available.
A block of local TV stations.
Highly undervalued.
T-V. . .
Oh, I remember those.
We still have one of those in my gym.
Oh, it's so great to have
the wisdom of my son's
college drinking buddy in the room.
(CHUCKLES)
I just love the way
he asks me for money.
(LAUGHS) No, I get it.
But there is a pressing issue, right?
Well, it's part of a larger strategy.
No, I get all that.
I'm just... All right.
I think the issue here, sir,
is that everyone fucking hates you.
It's cloudy, it's sunny.
You want to push through a massive,
politically-sensitive buy-up,
and I'm reading this
over my morning cappuccino.
It says your family is a horror show
and it's destroying America.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mmm. Maybe we should buy this.
STEWART: (CHUCKLES) Kendall launched
a lawsuit against you.
You have fired half of your board.
-Your COO is a fucking joke.
-Whoa.
Bro, that's what people are saying.
Who cares if it's true?
People say
that he's a coked-up dauphin
that doesn't know shit from Shinola,
and that the two of you
aren't even talking to each other,
which I am getting a vibe of.
Now, I could care less,
but even the advance whispers
of this local TV deal
have people so mad at you
that they're throwing piss
at you on the street.
Whoa, we don't know that
it was actually piss.
It was piss.
STEWART: You want to go
on a shopping spree.
I trust you, but can we please
fix the visuals?
This is a family business.
But the family is fucked,
and it's hurting the stock.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
GIL: (ON TV)
Whenever war has tested this nation,
we have won out.
And that is what I believe
we face right now.
Nothing less than a war
against human inequality,
a war we must fight
to stop unimaginably vast
power and riches
falling into the hands
of an impossibly small number of men.
I'm not afraid of this fight.
I know you’re not either.
This fight starts here.
l'm Gil Eavis,
and I approve this message.
I don't know, this class war shit,
don't you find it a little jejune?
-Jejune?
-Yeah. It means juvenile.
Yeah, I know what it means.
l, um, just thought
only assholes said it.
-No, I do not find it jejune.
-Okay. Is this you pulling my hair?
Because why did you
bring me in for this?
I'm not a good fit.
l genuinely believe he's going to be
the next president
of the United States.
And you know me,
I don't believe in anything.
Are you finished with Joyce now?
(SIGHS)
Yeah. That's as far as she'll go.
Okay. Gil could really use
someone like you.
And this wouldn't be a problem?
What?
The atmosphere.
I think as long as we have clarity.
-Yeah. Right. Clarity.
-Right.
And to be clear,
at absolutely any place at any time,
with absolutely no consequences,
and will want desperately to fuck you.
And that is just
a permanent state of affairs.
(CHUCKLES)
ljust want you to know
that is my position.
You have all the power.
You can do whatever you want with it.
(SCOFFS)
When did we start
having to do this shit, Gerri?
The journalist is Leo Lorenzetti.
The piece will be, "After the turmoil,
the coming together."
At your son's ranch.
A family, a dynasty,
an American story.
It'll be a very compelling package.
And what's this shit?
Who's this guy, Alon?
KAROLINA: Very highly regarded
corporate therapist.
Harvard Business School.
Former CFO at a Fortune 500.
He just worked with
the Sultan of Brunei,
and the Bolkiah family.
Do they all have to be there?
Does the traitor come, too?
Well, obviously, that's your choice.
But the message, I think,
is a family reunited in the desert.
A time to reflect, regroup.
Family unity is kind
of what you're going for.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-GERRI: And frankly, Logan,
if you can get Kendall
to drop the lawsuit,
everything becomes cleaner
for us, acquisition-wise.
Okay. Well, I'm not groveling.
Get Romulus on the phone.
Let's do the email.
Hey, Shiv.
It's Con. Listen,
did you get this email from Dad
about therapy?
'Cause, I mean, this is, like, wow!
So I just need to check that it's not
one of those spam things or something.
All right, so call me.
TOM: Oh, I like Gil, people like Gil,
he's great,
but I have a sneaking feeling
that if he won an election
he'd probably like to line me up
and everyone I know and shoot us.
-Holy fuck. No way.
-What?
Hang on.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hmm.
-Hey.
-Have you seen this?
I can't believe it.
Dad's doing therapy?
I thought you weren't talking to me
because I didn't tell you
about the vote.
I'm not. But what the fuck.
Oh. Very much the fuck.
Very much the fuck indeed.
The big man is breaking down,
-and everyone's invited.
-(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Well, not Kendall.
-Everybody.
-This is bullshit.
What's he doing?
-ROMAN: Gotta go. See ya.
-Please, Mr. Roy...
-I need to talk to Kendall.
-He's not available.
What do you mean he's not available?
What is he doing,
playing with his fucking Legos?
He's nothing but available.
He isn't here right now.
Well, I know that's not true,
so just come on, okay?
He hasn't been here for weeks.
-|'m sorry.
-(SCOFF|NG) Bullshit. Okay, look,
will you just give him a message?
-No, thank you.
-Tell him...
"No, thank you."
Tell him to reply to the email,
that he has to come. Okay?
Tell him that...
Hey. Dad wants...
Hey. Um... No.
No, ldon't think
he's gonna play ball.
He '3 not talking. No way
he's gonna drop the lawsuit.
Okay, that's fine, Roman.
-No?
-No.
Okay. Plan B.
Operation Black Sheep.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hey.
-RAVA: Hey. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?
Oh, what time are we doing the pickup?
Do you ever look
at Sophie's lnstagram?
l was monitoring,
and one of the older kids linked
to that shitty article about you.
What article?
I haven't been looking
at anything. Deliberately, Rava.
"Kendall Roy
ran the streets of New York,
"sweaty and incoherent,
"ranting about a coup
against his father,
"but couldn't find his way
to the boardroom to start said coup.
"Is he back on drugs?
"We couldn't possibly say,
but some people are saying that. "
Rava, listen to me.
Okay, that's not true.
-Yeah. (SCOFFS)
-Okay? That's not true.
Mmm-hmm. It's just that's what
you used to say when it was true.
Jesus, I'm not using, Rava.
I don't touch anything.
And you know that.
Jesus Christ. Come on.
But look, unrelated,
this weekend Iverson's got his tests,
and if we break his routine,
it's gonna affect things.
-You know?
-No. No.
Fuck, come on.
Please don ’t get angry.
I'm not fucking angry.
Okay? I want to see my kids.
Okay. I'm not on drugs,
I'm not touching drugs,
I don't use drugs anymore,
I'm not on drugs,
I'm not on fucking drugs.
Yeah, it's the paranoid rant
that's so convincing.
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
(SIGHS)
TOM: Well, I actually think
it's really brave to go.
Mmm. Thank you. I'm a hero.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Ugh.
Can you imagine?
Connor, Dad, Roman, feelings?
It's gonna be like tossing a bag
of Uzis into the soft play area.
I know your dad doesn't believe
you didn't know
what Kendall was up to,
and he spoke abominably to you.
And, um, just for context,
do you think it would be appropriate
this weekend,
in a bridge-building way,
for me to be speaking to Logan, or no?
Just do what you think is right.
Yeah, sure. I got it.
ljust, you know,
I want to have your back,
and, uh, there's also my back,
and, you know,
we're a beast with two backs.
Oh, I get it. You're your own guy.
lwon'tjudge you.
Yeah, sure, I know that. I know that.
-W|LLA: Hi!
-Hey, Marcia! (LAUGHS)
-MARCIA: Hi!
-Hey, Dad!
Welcome to Austerlitz!
LOGAN: Thank you, thank you.
-Ah. It exists!
-Yeah.
MARCIA: Austerlitz?
CONNOR: Mmm-hmm.
MARCIA: Was this the name
when you bought it?
WILLA:
Oh, It was racially insensitive,
so he picked a new one.
Do you want me to show you inside?
KAROLINA: Hi, Connor.
Hi, Karolina.
So, son, have you got
somewhere for them to set up?
So you're also working?
Just a few folks
doing photographs and stuff.
-Oh. Uh...
-Chronicles of everything.
Okay.
Okay. You bet.
-Great place. Plenty of space.
-Yeah.
This works.
CONNOR: Oh, good.
TOM: Hey! Isee you!
-Hey!
-TOM: Hey!
WILLA: Hi!
-Hello to the metropolitan elite!
-(ALL CHUCKLE)
Welcome to the real America.
TOM: Man of the people.
The people who work on his ranch.
-Hi!
-WILLA: Let me hug you.
TOM: Oh, wow. Wow, wow.
CONNOR: What do you think?
Wow. Yeah.
-Oh, it's brown.
-CONNOR: Yeah, it is.
-Is that a church?
-Yeah, that's the chapel.
-We're gonna be in there tomorrow.
-SHIV AND TOM: Oh!
CONNOR: That chapel dates to 1878.
SHIV: Cool!
TOM: It's a chapel.
Do you think Dad will be able
to cross the threshold?
Or will he spontaneously combust?
CONNOR: Good question.
Why don't you guys get settled in,
and then join us for cocktails
this evening.
CONNOR: Randall owns
the next ranch over.
He's very big in pesticides.
LOGAN: Ah. Uh-huh. I don't need any.
RANDALL: (LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's what everybody says.
CONNOR: Nah, I'm always ribbing him.
Did you know that three
out of every hundred bunches of grapes
has over the legal limit
of pesticides?
So you wash 'em.
You can't wash your colon, Mr. Poison.
-(SCOFFS) Why, | oughta...
-CONNOR: Smart guy, put 'em up!
MARCIA: He thinks
she knew about the coup.
So Logan will talk to Shiv
as long as she says "sorry."
Well, I think that Shiv's position
would be
that she's got nothing
to be sorry for.
I mean, obviously she's sad,
you know, there's sadness.
We could offer that.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Okay. The entertainment has arrived.
This is like
the first stages of an orgy.
Kind of exciting,
but also super-awkward.
-There. I did it.
-Did what?
I just iced your dad.
-Hey, Tom.
-Hey.
Can I...
Uh, yeah, I'm not in charge of you.
-But go get me a drink.
-(TOM LAUGHS)
I'm joking.
ROMAN: So where's
the actual head doctor guy?
I wouldn't know.
No one tells me anything.
Well, hope he can cure
your serious case of being a bitch.
-Ow. Fuck.
-(LAUGHS)
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
(SIGHS) Bet Dad's gonna try
and win at therapy.
Well, he hasn't done therapy
with me yet. I'm an expert.
-(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah.
This is what it looks like
when you resolve all your issues.
-Uh-huh.
-Mmm-hmm.
My guy says that if Dad had
had therapy,
I wouldn't need so much.
My guy's surprised
I got through it at all.
I'm not sure you did
make it through it all.
(MOCKING) Uh, I don't think...
(BOTH MUMBLING)
See, lwill have you know
I am very well-adjusted.
You, you're just good at hiding it.
-(SOFTLY) Mr. Parfit is here.
-Thank you.
Okay, uh, Randall,
I hate to kick you out,
but I have word
Elvis is in the building.
-Okay.
-I'll see ya, buddy.
ljust want you to know
I think I'm going to reveal to him
that you sexually abused me
as a child.
-Excuse me?
-Yeah. You just would not stop.
(LAUGHING) You are one sick puppy.
You're the one who kept
trying to fuck me.
Why would you say that?
Stop saying that.
You don't really think that, do you?
No. I'm fucking with you.
The way you fucked me as a baby.
What is wrong with you?
You're exasperating.
This one is threatening
to tell the family
that I diddled him
when he was a little kid.
Oh. Right. Did you?
No, of course not, Tom.
-Connor.
-Oh. Hi.
Alon Parfit.
-Hey. Hi.
-Nice to see you.
-Happy you're here.
-You must be Broman.
Yes, I am. Broman.
-And Shiv.
-Yeah.
-Hey. Nice to meet you.
-Hey. Nice to meet you...
This is Tom. This is Shiv's fiancé.
Not important. To the therapy.
-Uh... (LAUGHING) Con?
-Come meet Dad.
ALON: Yeah, please.
-Hi.
-Logan Roy.
-This is Marcia.
-Nice to meet you.
And this is my girlfriend Willa.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Willa, how are you?
Right. (CLEARS THROAT) Family. Um...
We're all gathered here
in this beautiful home
because there are things to address,
and I believe we should address them.
I think I explained all around
that, uh, we'll also have
a small celebration
of our coming together,
with photographs, tomorrow.
Nothing fancy. Simple. Simple.
Anyway, without more ado,
uh, let me introduce to you,
Alon Parfit.
Hi, everyone.
I look fonNard to, uh,
us all sitting down tomorrow,
but I just want to say
it takes a lot of courage,
and that is not lost on me.
Uh...
I'm very touched.
-Yeah, me, too.
-CONNOR: Thanks.
This family's broken,
and that has consequences.
A missed phone call today,
a couple dozen kids
lose theirjobs in China.
Butterfly wings, but bigger.
Huge wings. Like a pterodactyl.
Or the Smithsonian.
So, let's fix our wings.
Barely comprehensible.
KENDALL: Morning.
MAN: It is gassed up and ready to go.
-Your key.
-Thank you.
-Big plans while you're here?
-Maybe.
Patricide? Fratricide?
MAN: Okay. Sounds like fun.
-Enjoy.
-Oh, yeah.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
-Yeah?
-NATHANIEL: Good morning.
We 're here. You ready to do this?
What?
-No, wait. Now?
-No shit.
I'm in a hotel in Santa Fe.
Oh. Well, I can't now.
I mean, the whole reason
I came down here
is to do this family thing,
and that's today. So...
So?
Can he reschedule?
He 's pretty fucking busy.
(GROANS) Fuck.
Doesn't look good, turning him down.
Well, obviously I want to...
Come on, Shiv, this is huge.
-But I can't. Right now.
-TOM: Hey, honey,
the pressure on the faucet's
moderately intense, so go easy.
-I gotta go.
-NATHANIEL: Shiv...
Fuck.
TOM: Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
It's going to be okay.
-Want me to come in there with you?
-(SNIFFLES)
Into the emotional swamp, huh?
Pretty soon I'm gonna be
part of this whole genetic carnival.
-It's okay.
-You sure?
Yeah.
ALON: Morning.
Okay. Let's do this.
The therapy? This way for the therapy.
(EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
(ALON HUMMING)
Like waving your kids off to school.
They better not gang up on him.
He's still frail.
Roll up, roll up,
for the festival of grievances.
-Okay, son? Good.
-CONNOR: Yeah.
Okay. Great.
So, welcome, welcome.
I like to begin these things
with a little prayer. Uh...
They fuck you up, your mom and dad.
They do not mean to, but they do.
They fill you up with faults they had
and add some extra just for you.
Now, | always think
that's an interesting way
to start these things,
but what I'd like to know is,
how you feel
you would like to start this.
So...
Who's going to tell us
why we are here today?
Come on. Does no one
want to take a pop at the champ?
-Can I just say...
-ALON: Sure.
I never touched Roman inappropriately.
If he says I did, I didn't.
SHIV: Well, glad to clear that up.
He was gonna make a horrible joke,
so I'm preempting.
ALON: Okay. Okay.
But I think the best way
to start this...
Uh... I'll start if you'd like.
ALON: Yeah, Please.
LOGAN: Um...
Everything I've done in my life,
I've done for my children.
I know I've made mistakes,
but, uh...
I've always tried to do
the best by them
because they mean everything to me.
Okay. That was great.
Oh, thank you.
-Well, that's nice.
-Hmm, it is nice.
Yeah, sure. Agreed.
So, what do we feel about
what wejust heard here?
I mean, I hear it.
I hear it.
Uh-huh. Big words.
Good words.
Oh, I'm still processing,
butyeah.
Logan, do you realize
how much power you wield in this room?
What do you mean?
He has a lot of power everywhere.
ALON: What I guess I'm asking is,
how do you feel
about what you just said?
Look, everything I've done in my life
I've done for my children.
-I know I've made mistakes...
-Uh, Dad,
you can'tjust use the one sentence.
LOGAN: But that's how I feel, Siobhan.
I can make this shit up if you like.
(MUTTERS)
Sounds like you already are.
-Shiv?
-(SCOFFS) Look, I'm...
I guess where I'm coming from is
I'm having a hard time
diving in because,
honestly, I'm wondering why
he brought us here in the first place.
I mean, was it for
this photo opportunity?
LOGAN: No, no, of course not.
I wouldn't have brought you here
for a photo and an interview...
Sorry. Excuse me?
There's an interview now?
-Well, I told you, photo and...
-No, you didn't. (SIGHS)
What, so this is essentially
a publicity event?
It's optional.
There won't be questions.
This is not okay.
I have a publicist for this stuff.
Fuck. Con, did you know about this?
I think the picture is okay.
I think it's nice.
Rome?
I don't mind.
ALON: Logan, have you
thought about the possibility
that your children
are actually scared of you?
Oh, fuck off.
After what they've done to me?
Fuck off!
Tell me, do you think
you'll always do what you do?
What, the theater?
Yes, and what you do for money.
Uh-huh.
Uh, well, you know, I like my life,
and kind of just go with the flow,
so yeah, I think I'll just
slide more over
into producing
or writing or directing.
I knew a woman in Paris,
she did what you do.
She was very intelligent.
Oh, thank you.
And do you want children?
Um, I don't know. Maybe one day.
Don't wait. That's all I will say.
The old biological clock
starts a—ticking.
You could always freeze.
That's a way of putting off life.
I'd like Shiv to freeze.
Embryos, not eggs.
A little bit of me in the bank.
Thought about that?
(EXCLAIMS) So much advice! Wow.
You know, my friend from Paris
who was your way?
She actually was murdered.
It was nothing to do
with her being a prostitute,
it was to do with a restaurant
that went poof!
What?
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
-(|ND|ST|NCT CHATTER)
Hey, do you have any, uh,
non-alcoholic beer?
No. Sorry.
Okay. How about, uh, sparkling water?
Mmm-hmm.
You a tourist?
-Uh, kind of.
-Hmm.
Wow. Fancy.
Kendall Roy?
You here visiting family?
Connor Roy?
KENDALL: What?
No, it's okay,
I probably think the same.
-Yeah. There's just stories.
-Like?
Like, he came in here one night,
he had this dog with cancer
that he couldn't let the vet kill
but he couldn't watch it die either,
so he dragged that thing
around the whole bar
asking somebody if they'd take it
and give it a good life.
He said, "I'll pay you.
I just can't watch."
Anyway, Skunkhead Tanner over there
took three grand,
shot her in the parking lot.
Jesus.
-What?
-None of your business.
I was talking about Skunkhead.
Don't talk shit about me, Janelle.
Oh, really? (LAUGHS)
Hey, also, can I get
a double Smirnoff rocks?
-Lime?
-No.
Keep it open.
Heard you killed my brother's dog.
ALON: Look, can we go back
to our agreement
where we put aside our cell phones,
just focus on what's
going on this room?
Can we do that?
I'm trying to buy a number
of television stations.
Okay, but could you do it later?
Fine. Tell me what more you want,
and I'll dance the dance.
I guess what I want
is for you to tell us
how you are feeling.
-How I'm feeling?
-Mmm-hmm.
Ifeel...
I need to check my emails.
That's not a feeling, Dad.
Maybe don't deny Dad's feelings, Shiv.
I turned down something huge
to be here, and you're gonna tank it.
-I'm doing therapy.
-I don't think you are.
LOGAN: I am.
Well, now you're denying
theirfeelings, Dad.
Look, what I think we should
really have a conversation about
is the fact that Kendall's not here.
And that's because
there are reports of him
running around taking drugs.
And I, for one, don't know where
those have come from.
You don't have to worry about that.
What does that mean?
I'm not getting into that today.
It's beyond the remit.
I don't really think
there is a remit, Dad.
I had nothing to do
with those stories.
Shiv, do you believe your father?
-Well...
-ALON: Go on.
Honestly, no.
I think this whole thing is fake.
ALON: Roman?
I don't know.
I don't know.
-No.
-ROMAN: I mean,
he might not have meant to, but...
-No, I don't believe him.
-I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
All right?
I'm finished.
I'll apologize as much
as you fucking like,
but I can't get into everything.
That's it.
ALON: You know, Logan,
if I'm asked if I thought that you
participated in this family therapy
in an earnest way,
I don't think that I could answer
in good conscience that you have.
Fine. I apologize.
Maybe I'm hungry.
I got nothing to hide.
Okay.
How about we take a break
and begin again,
clean slate, this afternoon? Hmm?
TOM: So come on, come on, tell me.
What did everybody say in there, huh?
Was it nothing too horrible
or upsetting, huh?
Was it just disgusting?
Hey, I'm gonna go down
to Santa Fe to meet Gil.
Oh. What? So everything
has been resolved in there?
Yeah. Totally.
We're all completely sane.
All resolved.
Oh. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Come on.
-Can I take a car?
-What's up?
-Wait. What are you doing?
-The Tesla.
I'm going into town.
I've got a meeting.
I'm not gonna take this
seriously if no one else is.
CONNOR: But we're
getting somewhere, Shiv.
I can feel it. He's breaking down.
You're sweet and I love you,
but you're delusional.
Well, you can't do that.
Is that allowed?
Well, I think Shiv is capable
of making an adult decision.
But here's what I was thinking.
Why don't we all take a break, huh?
Just get out of our heads
and into our good bodies.
You know? Let's go for a swim.
Everybody. You know?
Get your dad out there.
-Dad can't swim.
-SHIV: Yeah.
He doesn't even trust water.
It's too wishy-washy.
Can I have the keys?
-Thank you.
-Seriously?
SHIV: Yeah.
-Hey, Willa.
-Yeah?
Hey, honey, uh, do you know about
the family photo for later?
Yeah, it'll be nice.
Yeah, well, um,
there was an idea
that, uh, maybe you should sit it out.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's okay. I'll probably
end up getting murdered anyway.
-Nobody's murdering you.
-(SIGHS)
You're adorable.
You're un-murderable. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, my God.
-CONNOR: Um...
Look, you know...
You know I appreciate you.
I appreciate you, too.
And I think you're better
than all of them.
Thank you.
Look, I know that
we talked about this before,
but I was just wondering
if you could...
Well, would you...
I don't know how to say this,
except to say that love
is a strange and peculiar affliction.
It's like a virus.
So could you please
just stay here for a while
-and maybe you'll catch it.
-Con.
What I mean is that
you would have an allowance
and you would continue to write
and you continue
to travel to New York,
and Iwould help you
build a life in the theater.
(CHUCKLES)
Gosh, that's a lot.
Yeah, but we have so many great ideas.
Yeah. Sure. No, we do.
So we could do family,
but we could do it different.
I mean,
we could try.
Exactly! Why not? Yeah?
Yeah!
-Yeah?
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, I love you.
And i... (STAMMERS)
-I love you.
-(CHUCKLES)
CONNOR: See? That wasn't so hard,
was it? (LAUGHS)
Okay. Lot of wolf stuff.
-Yeah, man, I love the wolves.
-KENDALL: Uh-huh.
-He really likes the wolves.
-Yeah. Cool.
CHANG: My mom says I was a wolf child.
That's 'cause she never bothered
to take care of you, Chang.
That's just fucking salesmanship
of her neglect.
(HOWLS)
KENDALL: Nice.
-You get wolves here?
-Nope.
-No? Okay.
-Fucking wish.
I never did meth.
And I'm technically sober,
so this is kind of an experiment.
(LAUGHS)
There we go.
Well... (CLEARS THROAT)
There's a thing now that
Type A's actually can't get addicted.
You know? 'Cause we are addicted.
You know, if it wasn't for wolves,
we couldn't speak.
It's from having to
tell dogs what to do
that we actually had a need
to talk out loud,
you know, to command 'em?
You guys, come on.
We got a real person.
Let's not attack his brain.
We should get some more.
-MAN: Fuck, yeah.
-Yeah?
And, uh, maybe some weed.
-Right.
-Some Oxys, some...
Some goodies.
So, you like it?
Experiment successful.
I am interested
in becoming a meth head.
MAN: Yeah.
Well, we're the fucking
right people, dude!
-ALON: Hey.
-Oh, hi. You coming in?
-Oh, yeah.
-Good.
Don't be afraid of what's down there.
Pretend it's our subconscious
and just go for it.
I know how to dive.
Yeah, you gotta jump.
-You want me tojump?
-Jump! Jump! Jump!
-Jump, ya fucking pussy!
-Jump! Jump! Jump!
Excuse me, there's been
an accident in the pool.
-What did he say?
-MARCIA: What happened?
MARCIA: An accident in the pool.
We don't know if he got
a head injury, or...
He just dived in
and he hit the bottom.
-Did you hit your head?
-(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
-He hit his teeth?
-ROMAN: His teeth are in his head,
Connor, it's kind of
a central feature.
Alon, it's signed. It's clearly
signed. What were you thinking?
Shall I call an ambulance?
I didn't think he'd jump
in headfirst. Hi, Karolina.
Hey, Roman. Don't let him go to sleep.
(MUFFLED) I don't want
to go to fucking sleep!
Let's take a look. The bleeding always
makes it look
worse than it actually...
-Jesus Christ!
-(ALL EXCLAIM)
Let's take him to the hospital.
-Really?
-ROMAN: No, you're okay, man.
It's okay. You look okay.
It'll be faster
if I just take him myself.
Oh, no, no, no, send your guys.
Send Colin.
-We should stay.
-No, I want to help him...
(WHISPERS) I want to make sure
that he's not litigious.
LOGAN: Fucking great! And I was about
to take advice from a clown
who dives headfirst into
the shallow end of the pool!
And now everyone's fucking off!
CONNOR: It's okay. I got you.
Roman is here.
He's here for the photos,
for everything.
-Sure. I give good cheekbone.
-LOGAN: Okay.
NATHANIEL: Gil.
Siobhan Roy.
The acceptable face of
the worst family in America.
Yeah. Gil Eavis.
Stalin in a plaid shirt.
(SHIV CHUCKLES)
Okay. Well, happy meeting.
So, how are you?
Really?
Uh... Well, my family's fucked.
I'm not talking to my dad,
and my brother's suing my dad.
Sorry. If family isn't right,
nothing feels right.
Yeah. And how are you?
You gonna go for it?
I'm feeling really good.
Suffered some depression
last year after everything,
but, um, I'm good.
And so, what, you want me
to handle the message on that?
No. That's just the truth.
Look, Siobhan,
I'm not gonna make you do a dance.
I'm finalizing. Nate and me
want you on the team.
What do you think?
Well, I think you're too radical.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not telling you
anything you don't know.
The good politician,
he figures out what people need
and then he sells it back
to them as what they want.
So, this is a job offer?
Well, yes.
But there's an issue.
What, my name?
One section of my base
would be outraged
for me even meeting with you.
Yeah, well, that section has
nowhere else to go, so fuck 'em.
Yeah.
Look, if I'm gonna win big
the way I want to,
to remake this country
for the better...
Ooh! La-dee-dah.
I need to spike your father's guns.
The papers, the news channels.
Oh, I can't help with that.
No, no, no, of course. Of course.
But I'm gonna go for his throat.
Legally, legislatively,
hearings, referrals.
I thought I should tell you.
It'll be ugly.
And how do you know
that I won't betray you?
Well, I guess I trust you.
I can work with Nate,
but I can't work for Nate.
It's fine, it'sjust a,
it's a preposition thing.
We can figure all that out.
The bigger question is,
do you want this enough
to go to war with your family?
(CAMERA CLICKS)
CAMERAMAN: Can we do
the walking and talking?
-What?
-CAMERAMAN: Walking and talking.
He wants us to be talking.
CAMERAMAN: That looks good.
ROMAN: Thank you.
-We look great, apparently.
-Uh-huh.
I want you to call Japan.
We got the office set up here.
I'm tickling Sandy on local.
I want you to get into
the government issues
-of the launch detail.
-Right. Sure.
Do you actually want me to do that,
or are you just saying shit
for the camera?
No.
You're a COO, aren't you, huh?
Yeah.
-Well?
-Oh, sure. I got it.
I mean, I was just checking.
Thank you, gentlemen.
That's really grand.
-ROMAN: Yeah?
-This looks imperial here.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Did he say "imperial"?
-Imperial.
What the hell does that mean?
Yeah, he's good.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
So?
(CHUCKLES) I don't...
I don't know.
i... (CHUCKLES)
Okay.
-Okay?
-Okay.
Right?
Fuck,yes.
I mean, Itold him
that he would have to fire you
if he was gonna hire me, but...
-Uh, it's fine.
-Okay.
-For the good of the country.
-Right.
My Airbnb has a, um,
-memory foam mattress.
-(CHUCKLES)
How about we
give it some memories?
Ooh. Wow.
-(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
-(SEAT BELT ALARM BEEPS)
Turn it Off.
Turn it Off.
(ENGINE STOPS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Let's just
sit here a minute and...
So I can think.
(BREATH ES HEAVlLY)
CHANG: He sees Oprah
walking down the street,
he's like, "Oprah,
you get a car. You get a car."
He's so rich he needs a golf cart
to pass the salt.
He's so rich
his goldfish wear furs.
CHANG: Yeah, yeah, fish fur.
He's so rich that his sperm
has little top hats
and monocles and shit.
-CHANG: Yeah. "Good day, vagina.
-(LAUGHS)
"May I enter thou?"
You know, I don't even care
that you're richer than us.
I mean, who's better off, ultimately?
I mean, clearly, you are,
but fuck it, who cares?
I do.
Guys, I gotta make a quick call.
-Yeah, go for it.
-MAN: Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Uh, hey.
-KENDALL: Bro.
I've got a lot of
important information in play.
-What? Where are you?
-l’m in New Mexico.
-What?
-I realize now.
Are you high?
No. I'm at some guy’s house.
I mean, yeah, we've been taking drugs,
but I'm very clear.
Uh, can you drop me a pin,
so I know you're okay?
Ro, we're okay.
There's nothing wrong with us.
Just drop me a fucking pin.
I'm not gonna come get you.
Do it now. Are you doing it?
Yeah, okay. Hold on.
Here ya go.
Okay. I'm coming to get you, man.
Are you doing the call?
Uh, yeah. Uh, yes, lwill.
But, um, I'm going to get Kendall.
He's here, and he's not great.
Okay, go. Go. Go.
Yeah, okay. But no, lwill.
I'll make the call.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who the fuck is that?
KENDALL: Oh.
ROMAN: Kendall.
-MAN: Who the fuck is that?
-It's cool, it's my brother.
-ROMAN: Hey.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
KENDALL: It'S cool. Let him in.
Jesus. Fuck.
Chang. Let him in, man.
Thank you.
Oh. Wow.
Hi.
Gonna offer me a cup of tea?
I like what you've done
with the, uh, wolves.
-Yo, Chang, show him your wolf tattoo.
-ROMAN: Excellent taste.
Do the howl, Chang.
-(HOWL|NG)
-ROMAN: Wow.
Funny and cool.
Yo. This is Chang, Tanner,
that's Mac.
ROMAN: That's so great
to meet you guys.
Uh, let's get outta here. Come on.
You know, lwas thinking
I probably shouldn't talk to you
given the, uh, ongoing situation
apropos of my legal action against you
as a board member
for your failure
to fulfill your fiduciary duty
and breach of my employment contract,
but then, (SIGHS) I don't know,
but then I thought,
"Who fucking cares?"
What... Is this...
What is this?
What is this, fucking crank?
We've been having a lot of fun, Mom.
(MAN SNICKERING)
ROMAN: Yeah. That's good.
Yo, seriously. You should try this.
I would love to, some other time.
I hear that shit makes you, uh, crash
like an Airbus full of eggs.
-TANNER: Not if you stay high.
-(LIGHTER CLICKING)
Tanner makes good points.
I think this lighter is fucked.
ROMAN: That is a really good point.
Um, you know what?
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
That's enough. Ican fix that. Here.
(WHISTLES)
Oh, hey,
how's the family therapy?
The therapy? It was total bullshit.
He didn't even do it.
-KENDALL: He didn't do it?
-No. He didn't.
-Come on.
-KENDALL: I'm coming. Let's do it.
CHANG: Hey, man, yourfriend sucks.
-That's my brother.
-Your brother sucks.
He's actually... You know what?
-He's okay.
-ROMAN: Thanks.
Our people will reach out
to your people.
TANNER: Hey, Kendall! Tell Bill Gates
my computer's fucked up
from all the fucking updates, man!
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Should I call a doctor? Rava?
You want me to hit a kid,
so I can steal his kidneys?
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-Fuck. I'm sorry.
I have to make a call. It's the...
It's the launch in Japan thing. Um...
Is that cool?
KENDALL: It's okay.
Yeah?
You do your call.
Okay.
(THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT
PLAYING ON RADIO)
-(KENDALL SINGING ALONG)
-No. No, Lion King.
Yeah, could you...
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(TURNS OFF RADIO)
-Sorry.
-(TURNS ON RADIO)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
What, are you fucking four?
Will ya knock it off?
I'm trying to drive the car
and not have a-weema-weh
in my fucking face.
-All right. That's enough!
-(LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOOR CLOSES)
-Hey!
-Oh, hey!
-Hey.
-Hi.
5:25;;
5*???
You're late.
So, what happened
with the, uh, fake therapy?
Any pretend breakthroughs?
Any good performances?
Nothing. Our therapist died.
-What?
-Metaphorically speaking.
He, uh, smashed his teeth out
in the pool.
Oh, my God.
Freud would have had a field day.
Where you been?
I was meeting about a prospective job.
With your father's enemy?
Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.
LOGAN: I keep an eye
on things, Siobhan.
I keep an eye.
SHIV: What is that supposed to mean?
I mean, I had a meeting.
You do whatever the hell you like,
on everything, forever...
Why don't we, uh, chat this over
in the morning?
MARCIA: And he has to hear it
from his so-called friends,
on the phone,
dripping poison in his ear.
CONNOR: Jesus.
KENDALL: Family therapy!
(DRUMMING)
-CONNOR: Kenny.
-Family therapy!
Family therapy!
-(DOOR OPENS)
-KENDALL: Hey, hey, hey!
What up, motherfuckers?
Sorry I'm late.
What are we arguing about?
-What's wrong with him?
-KENDALL: Oh, where do we start?
(SIGHS) I'm off my nut, folks.
-Off my fucking nut.
-SHIV: Oh, my God.
Like all the papers said.
Your dreams have come true.
Congratulations.
Just so you know, I think things are
good with the launch.
-I talked to the guy...
-KENDALL: He doesn't care, Ro.
He doesn't even fucking notice.
Dad, give him a high five.
Come on. He'S waiting. Dad?
You'd do that to me? Eavis.
The one senate member
who wants to fuck me ragged.
On the same side as those animals
that hit me with a bag of piss.
It's my work, Dad. You of all people
ought to understand that.
Work? It's rebellion! Sabotage!
SHIV: Oh, yeah, of course,
'cause it's all about you.
Not that I might be in agreement
with his points about the purchases,
-orjust maybe his whole philosophy.
-Philosophy?
This is nothing but a miserable
deliberate attempt
to undermine my whole
business strategy.
KENDALL: (LAUGHS) You don't have
a business strategy, Dad.
Your whole business model
is based on seducing presidents.
You're a really high-class hooker.
-No offense.
-CONNOR: Hey.
WILLA: Fuck off.
It's fine. My aunt's an addict.
It's been a long day.
It's been really nice
getting to know you all a bit better.
-Good night.
-Good night.
I gotta say | feel
a little bit used today, Pa.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Not you, too.
Where we are and all that's happened,
and then even tonight
you have to go off and work?
I made some calls. Jesus.
Can't you wait?
Can Iwait for you
to finish a few calls?
Yeah, Ithink so. Ithink so, Pa.
I've had a bit of practice.
-Connor.
-CONNOR: Quite a bit.
Connor, your father has been busy
dealing with these two traitors.
Disagreeing with Dad is not treason.
Mmm. But trying to make one of
his biggest enemies president
is kind of a "fuck you."
Oh, hey, Dad. Dad.
I like those stories
you planted about me.
That was...
-Yes. You forced my hand.
-There it is.
Yes! And he's fucking lucky
that was all.
What you kids do not understand,
it's all part of the game.
KENDALL:
Oh, it's all part of the game.
Come on, everybody.
It's a rootin'-tootin'
super fucking fun game
for all the family!
Step right up!
You run towards politics to prove
that you're your own man.
Fine. But that's not principle.
You're scared to compete.
You're marrying a man
fathoms beneath you
because you don't want to risk
being betrayed.
You're a fucking coward.
Wow.
Wow. You are just beyond.
You know, Iwas born lucky.
I'm a lucky person.
I realize that.
And you're so fucking jealous,
aren't you?
You're so fucking jealous
of what you've given your own kids.
You can't handle it.
You can't work it out.
If I had spoken to my uncle
like that...
What? Hmm?
What would evil Uncle Noah do?
Calling your daughter
a coward till she cries?
-Big man.
-Logan. Logan. Logan.
Logan.Loganl
You are a fucking nobody.
Fucking nobody.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-As always.
-WILLA: Good to see you.
I'm sorry. You know.
-No. It's fine.
-Well,
you know, it wasn't great.
But you had some fun, right?
-Yeah.
-You had some fun here?
-Okay. You come back and see me?
-Yeah.
-It was really fun.
-Buddy, I'm sorry.
-No, don't.
-It was just such a drag.
TOM: No, no. It was good fun.
-You had some fun, right?
-TOM: Yeah, absolutely.
-CONNOR: All right, bye.
-Okay. Bye.
TOM: Bye-bye.
CONNOR: Call me.
CONNOR: It's funny,
I wanted 'em all here.
But I feel relieved
they're starting to go.
WILLA: Hmm.
It'll be nicer when it's just us.
How far is it to a Starbucks?
-I have pods.
-Okay. Great.
(SNIFFS)
MARCIA: That's it. There you go.
MARCIA: All right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-Mr. Roy.
-(LOGAN GRUNTS)
Hey, Logan Roy!
Mind if I get a quick photo?
-|'m a big fan.
-Step back.
Big, big fan. I love your work.
I love everything you do.
-I love all the racism, misogyny...
-Step off.
-|t's really cool stuff!
-Security!
-WOMAN: Logan, over here!
-(GRUNTS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
MAN: That's my fucking piss!
You're fucking monopolist scum!
-Did it get in your eye?
-LOGAN: Yeah.
MAN: I hope you die!
COLIN: Can you open this up, please?
-I want no one else in here.
-All right, stay back.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUMBLING)
COLIN: Can we get
another shirt down here?
We had an incident outside
with Mr. Roy.
(LOGAN GRUNTING)
(EXHALES)
ROMAN: How many people do you think
pissed in that bag
to get all that piss?
-I mean, it'sjust urine.
-LOGAN: I'm good, I'm good.
No fuss, no fuss, I'm good. Okay?
(SIGHS)
-Are you okay?
-LOGAN: Fine.
Don't get all over me.
-Okay?
-Okay.
These trust-fund YouTube shits. Ugh.
God, we had a couple of these guys...
I'm here. Okay?
Now, I understand
you want me to go through
my every thought with you.
I appreciate finally getting a chance
to talk through these very major moves
you're considering, yes.
We've become aware
of some very desirable assets
that are available.
A block of local TV stations.
Highly undervalued.
T-V. . .
Oh, I remember those.
We still have one of those in my gym.
Oh, it's so great to have
the wisdom of my son's
college drinking buddy in the room.
(CHUCKLES)
I just love the way
he asks me for money.
(LAUGHS) No, I get it.
But there is a pressing issue, right?
Well, it's part of a larger strategy.
No, I get all that.
I'm just... All right.
I think the issue here, sir,
is that everyone fucking hates you.
It's cloudy, it's sunny.
You want to push through a massive,
politically-sensitive buy-up,
and I'm reading this
over my morning cappuccino.
It says your family is a horror show
and it's destroying America.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mmm. Maybe we should buy this.
STEWART: (CHUCKLES) Kendall launched
a lawsuit against you.
You have fired half of your board.
-Your COO is a fucking joke.
-Whoa.
Bro, that's what people are saying.
Who cares if it's true?
People say
that he's a coked-up dauphin
that doesn't know shit from Shinola,
and that the two of you
aren't even talking to each other,
which I am getting a vibe of.
Now, I could care less,
but even the advance whispers
of this local TV deal
have people so mad at you
that they're throwing piss
at you on the street.
Whoa, we don't know that
it was actually piss.
It was piss.
STEWART: You want to go
on a shopping spree.
I trust you, but can we please
fix the visuals?
This is a family business.
But the family is fucked,
and it's hurting the stock.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
GIL: (ON TV)
Whenever war has tested this nation,
we have won out.
And that is what I believe
we face right now.
Nothing less than a war
against human inequality,
a war we must fight
to stop unimaginably vast
power and riches
falling into the hands
of an impossibly small number of men.
I'm not afraid of this fight.
I know you’re not either.
This fight starts here.
l'm Gil Eavis,
and I approve this message.
I don't know, this class war shit,
don't you find it a little jejune?
-Jejune?
-Yeah. It means juvenile.
Yeah, I know what it means.
l, um, just thought
only assholes said it.
-No, I do not find it jejune.
-Okay. Is this you pulling my hair?
Because why did you
bring me in for this?
I'm not a good fit.
l genuinely believe he's going to be
the next president
of the United States.
And you know me,
I don't believe in anything.
Are you finished with Joyce now?
(SIGHS)
Yeah. That's as far as she'll go.
Okay. Gil could really use
someone like you.
And this wouldn't be a problem?
What?
The atmosphere.
I think as long as we have clarity.
-Yeah. Right. Clarity.
-Right.
And to be clear,
at absolutely any place at any time,
with absolutely no consequences,
and will want desperately to fuck you.
And that is just
a permanent state of affairs.
(CHUCKLES)
ljust want you to know
that is my position.
You have all the power.
You can do whatever you want with it.
(SCOFFS)
When did we start
having to do this shit, Gerri?
The journalist is Leo Lorenzetti.
The piece will be, "After the turmoil,
the coming together."
At your son's ranch.
A family, a dynasty,
an American story.
It'll be a very compelling package.
And what's this shit?
Who's this guy, Alon?
KAROLINA: Very highly regarded
corporate therapist.
Harvard Business School.
Former CFO at a Fortune 500.
He just worked with
the Sultan of Brunei,
and the Bolkiah family.
Do they all have to be there?
Does the traitor come, too?
Well, obviously, that's your choice.
But the message, I think,
is a family reunited in the desert.
A time to reflect, regroup.
Family unity is kind
of what you're going for.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-GERRI: And frankly, Logan,
if you can get Kendall
to drop the lawsuit,
everything becomes cleaner
for us, acquisition-wise.
Okay. Well, I'm not groveling.
Get Romulus on the phone.
Let's do the email.
Hey, Shiv.
It's Con. Listen,
did you get this email from Dad
about therapy?
'Cause, I mean, this is, like, wow!
So I just need to check that it's not
one of those spam things or something.
All right, so call me.
TOM: Oh, I like Gil, people like Gil,
he's great,
but I have a sneaking feeling
that if he won an election
he'd probably like to line me up
and everyone I know and shoot us.
-Holy fuck. No way.
-What?
Hang on.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hmm.
-Hey.
-Have you seen this?
I can't believe it.
Dad's doing therapy?
I thought you weren't talking to me
because I didn't tell you
about the vote.
I'm not. But what the fuck.
Oh. Very much the fuck.
Very much the fuck indeed.
The big man is breaking down,
-and everyone's invited.
-(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Well, not Kendall.
-Everybody.
-This is bullshit.
What's he doing?
-ROMAN: Gotta go. See ya.
-Please, Mr. Roy...
-I need to talk to Kendall.
-He's not available.
What do you mean he's not available?
What is he doing,
playing with his fucking Legos?
He's nothing but available.
He isn't here right now.
Well, I know that's not true,
so just come on, okay?
He hasn't been here for weeks.
-|'m sorry.
-(SCOFF|NG) Bullshit. Okay, look,
will you just give him a message?
-No, thank you.
-Tell him...
"No, thank you."
Tell him to reply to the email,
that he has to come. Okay?
Tell him that...
Hey. Dad wants...
Hey. Um... No.
No, ldon't think
he's gonna play ball.
He '3 not talking. No way
he's gonna drop the lawsuit.
Okay, that's fine, Roman.
-No?
-No.
Okay. Plan B.
Operation Black Sheep.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Hey.
-RAVA: Hey. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. What's up?
Oh, what time are we doing the pickup?
Do you ever look
at Sophie's lnstagram?
l was monitoring,
and one of the older kids linked
to that shitty article about you.
What article?
I haven't been looking
at anything. Deliberately, Rava.
"Kendall Roy
ran the streets of New York,
"sweaty and incoherent,
"ranting about a coup
against his father,
"but couldn't find his way
to the boardroom to start said coup.
"Is he back on drugs?
"We couldn't possibly say,
but some people are saying that. "
Rava, listen to me.
Okay, that's not true.
-Yeah. (SCOFFS)
-Okay? That's not true.
Mmm-hmm. It's just that's what
you used to say when it was true.
Jesus, I'm not using, Rava.
I don't touch anything.
And you know that.
Jesus Christ. Come on.
But look, unrelated,
this weekend Iverson's got his tests,
and if we break his routine,
it's gonna affect things.
-You know?
-No. No.
Fuck, come on.
Please don ’t get angry.
I'm not fucking angry.
Okay? I want to see my kids.
Okay. I'm not on drugs,
I'm not touching drugs,
I don't use drugs anymore,
I'm not on drugs,
I'm not on fucking drugs.
Yeah, it's the paranoid rant
that's so convincing.
(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)
(SIGHS)
TOM: Well, I actually think
it's really brave to go.
Mmm. Thank you. I'm a hero.
-(CHUCKLES)
-Ugh.
Can you imagine?
Connor, Dad, Roman, feelings?
It's gonna be like tossing a bag
of Uzis into the soft play area.
I know your dad doesn't believe
you didn't know
what Kendall was up to,
and he spoke abominably to you.
And, um, just for context,
do you think it would be appropriate
this weekend,
in a bridge-building way,
for me to be speaking to Logan, or no?
Just do what you think is right.
Yeah, sure. I got it.
ljust, you know,
I want to have your back,
and, uh, there's also my back,
and, you know,
we're a beast with two backs.
Oh, I get it. You're your own guy.
lwon'tjudge you.
Yeah, sure, I know that. I know that.
-W|LLA: Hi!
-Hey, Marcia! (LAUGHS)
-MARCIA: Hi!
-Hey, Dad!
Welcome to Austerlitz!
LOGAN: Thank you, thank you.
-Ah. It exists!
-Yeah.
MARCIA: Austerlitz?
CONNOR: Mmm-hmm.
MARCIA: Was this the name
when you bought it?
WILLA:
Oh, It was racially insensitive,
so he picked a new one.
Do you want me to show you inside?
KAROLINA: Hi, Connor.
Hi, Karolina.
So, son, have you got
somewhere for them to set up?
So you're also working?
Just a few folks
doing photographs and stuff.
-Oh. Uh...
-Chronicles of everything.
Okay.
Okay. You bet.
-Great place. Plenty of space.
-Yeah.
This works.
CONNOR: Oh, good.
TOM: Hey! Isee you!
-Hey!
-TOM: Hey!
WILLA: Hi!
-Hello to the metropolitan elite!
-(ALL CHUCKLE)
Welcome to the real America.
TOM: Man of the people.
The people who work on his ranch.
-Hi!
-WILLA: Let me hug you.
TOM: Oh, wow. Wow, wow.
CONNOR: What do you think?
Wow. Yeah.
-Oh, it's brown.
-CONNOR: Yeah, it is.
-Is that a church?
-Yeah, that's the chapel.
-We're gonna be in there tomorrow.
-SHIV AND TOM: Oh!
CONNOR: That chapel dates to 1878.
SHIV: Cool!
TOM: It's a chapel.
Do you think Dad will be able
to cross the threshold?
Or will he spontaneously combust?
CONNOR: Good question.
Why don't you guys get settled in,
and then join us for cocktails
this evening.
CONNOR: Randall owns
the next ranch over.
He's very big in pesticides.
LOGAN: Ah. Uh-huh. I don't need any.
RANDALL: (LAUGHS)
Yeah, that's what everybody says.
CONNOR: Nah, I'm always ribbing him.
Did you know that three
out of every hundred bunches of grapes
has over the legal limit
of pesticides?
So you wash 'em.
You can't wash your colon, Mr. Poison.
-(SCOFFS) Why, | oughta...
-CONNOR: Smart guy, put 'em up!
MARCIA: He thinks
she knew about the coup.
So Logan will talk to Shiv
as long as she says "sorry."
Well, I think that Shiv's position
would be
that she's got nothing
to be sorry for.
I mean, obviously she's sad,
you know, there's sadness.
We could offer that.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Okay. The entertainment has arrived.
This is like
the first stages of an orgy.
Kind of exciting,
but also super-awkward.
-There. I did it.
-Did what?
I just iced your dad.
-Hey, Tom.
-Hey.
Can I...
Uh, yeah, I'm not in charge of you.
-But go get me a drink.
-(TOM LAUGHS)
I'm joking.
ROMAN: So where's
the actual head doctor guy?
I wouldn't know.
No one tells me anything.
Well, hope he can cure
your serious case of being a bitch.
-Ow. Fuck.
-(LAUGHS)
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
(SIGHS) Bet Dad's gonna try
and win at therapy.
Well, he hasn't done therapy
with me yet. I'm an expert.
-(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah.
This is what it looks like
when you resolve all your issues.
-Uh-huh.
-Mmm-hmm.
My guy says that if Dad had
had therapy,
I wouldn't need so much.
My guy's surprised
I got through it at all.
I'm not sure you did
make it through it all.
(MOCKING) Uh, I don't think...
(BOTH MUMBLING)
See, lwill have you know
I am very well-adjusted.
You, you're just good at hiding it.
-(SOFTLY) Mr. Parfit is here.
-Thank you.
Okay, uh, Randall,
I hate to kick you out,
but I have word
Elvis is in the building.
-Okay.
-I'll see ya, buddy.
ljust want you to know
I think I'm going to reveal to him
that you sexually abused me
as a child.
-Excuse me?
-Yeah. You just would not stop.
(LAUGHING) You are one sick puppy.
You're the one who kept
trying to fuck me.
Why would you say that?
Stop saying that.
You don't really think that, do you?
No. I'm fucking with you.
The way you fucked me as a baby.
What is wrong with you?
You're exasperating.
This one is threatening
to tell the family
that I diddled him
when he was a little kid.
Oh. Right. Did you?
No, of course not, Tom.
-Connor.
-Oh. Hi.
Alon Parfit.
-Hey. Hi.
-Nice to see you.
-Happy you're here.
-You must be Broman.
Yes, I am. Broman.
-And Shiv.
-Yeah.
-Hey. Nice to meet you.
-Hey. Nice to meet you...
This is Tom. This is Shiv's fiancé.
Not important. To the therapy.
-Uh... (LAUGHING) Con?
-Come meet Dad.
ALON: Yeah, please.
-Hi.
-Logan Roy.
-This is Marcia.
-Nice to meet you.
And this is my girlfriend Willa.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi, Willa, how are you?
Right. (CLEARS THROAT) Family. Um...
We're all gathered here
in this beautiful home
because there are things to address,
and I believe we should address them.
I think I explained all around
that, uh, we'll also have
a small celebration
of our coming together,
with photographs, tomorrow.
Nothing fancy. Simple. Simple.
Anyway, without more ado,
uh, let me introduce to you,
Alon Parfit.
Hi, everyone.
I look fonNard to, uh,
us all sitting down tomorrow,
but I just want to say
it takes a lot of courage,
and that is not lost on me.
Uh...
I'm very touched.
-Yeah, me, too.
-CONNOR: Thanks.
This family's broken,
and that has consequences.
A missed phone call today,
a couple dozen kids
lose theirjobs in China.
Butterfly wings, but bigger.
Huge wings. Like a pterodactyl.
Or the Smithsonian.
So, let's fix our wings.
Barely comprehensible.
KENDALL: Morning.
MAN: It is gassed up and ready to go.
-Your key.
-Thank you.
-Big plans while you're here?
-Maybe.
Patricide? Fratricide?
MAN: Okay. Sounds like fun.
-Enjoy.
-Oh, yeah.
(CELL PHONE BUZZING)
-Yeah?
-NATHANIEL: Good morning.
We 're here. You ready to do this?
What?
-No, wait. Now?
-No shit.
I'm in a hotel in Santa Fe.
Oh. Well, I can't now.
I mean, the whole reason
I came down here
is to do this family thing,
and that's today. So...
So?
Can he reschedule?
He 's pretty fucking busy.
(GROANS) Fuck.
Doesn't look good, turning him down.
Well, obviously I want to...
Come on, Shiv, this is huge.
-But I can't. Right now.
-TOM: Hey, honey,
the pressure on the faucet's
moderately intense, so go easy.
-I gotta go.
-NATHANIEL: Shiv...
Fuck.
TOM: Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.
It's going to be okay.
-Want me to come in there with you?
-(SNIFFLES)
Into the emotional swamp, huh?
Pretty soon I'm gonna be
part of this whole genetic carnival.
-It's okay.
-You sure?
Yeah.
ALON: Morning.
Okay. Let's do this.
The therapy? This way for the therapy.
(EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
(ALON HUMMING)
Like waving your kids off to school.
They better not gang up on him.
He's still frail.
Roll up, roll up,
for the festival of grievances.
-Okay, son? Good.
-CONNOR: Yeah.
Okay. Great.
So, welcome, welcome.
I like to begin these things
with a little prayer. Uh...
They fuck you up, your mom and dad.
They do not mean to, but they do.
They fill you up with faults they had
and add some extra just for you.
Now, | always think
that's an interesting way
to start these things,
but what I'd like to know is,
how you feel
you would like to start this.
So...
Who's going to tell us
why we are here today?
Come on. Does no one
want to take a pop at the champ?
-Can I just say...
-ALON: Sure.
I never touched Roman inappropriately.
If he says I did, I didn't.
SHIV: Well, glad to clear that up.
He was gonna make a horrible joke,
so I'm preempting.
ALON: Okay. Okay.
But I think the best way
to start this...
Uh... I'll start if you'd like.
ALON: Yeah, Please.
LOGAN: Um...
Everything I've done in my life,
I've done for my children.
I know I've made mistakes,
but, uh...
I've always tried to do
the best by them
because they mean everything to me.
Okay. That was great.
Oh, thank you.
-Well, that's nice.
-Hmm, it is nice.
Yeah, sure. Agreed.
So, what do we feel about
what wejust heard here?
I mean, I hear it.
I hear it.
Uh-huh. Big words.
Good words.
Oh, I'm still processing,
butyeah.
Logan, do you realize
how much power you wield in this room?
What do you mean?
He has a lot of power everywhere.
ALON: What I guess I'm asking is,
how do you feel
about what you just said?
Look, everything I've done in my life
I've done for my children.
-I know I've made mistakes...
-Uh, Dad,
you can'tjust use the one sentence.
LOGAN: But that's how I feel, Siobhan.
I can make this shit up if you like.
(MUTTERS)
Sounds like you already are.
-Shiv?
-(SCOFFS) Look, I'm...
I guess where I'm coming from is
I'm having a hard time
diving in because,
honestly, I'm wondering why
he brought us here in the first place.
I mean, was it for
this photo opportunity?
LOGAN: No, no, of course not.
I wouldn't have brought you here
for a photo and an interview...
Sorry. Excuse me?
There's an interview now?
-Well, I told you, photo and...
-No, you didn't. (SIGHS)
What, so this is essentially
a publicity event?
It's optional.
There won't be questions.
This is not okay.
I have a publicist for this stuff.
Fuck. Con, did you know about this?
I think the picture is okay.
I think it's nice.
Rome?
I don't mind.
ALON: Logan, have you
thought about the possibility
that your children
are actually scared of you?
Oh, fuck off.
After what they've done to me?
Fuck off!
Tell me, do you think
you'll always do what you do?
What, the theater?
Yes, and what you do for money.
Uh-huh.
Uh, well, you know, I like my life,
and kind of just go with the flow,
so yeah, I think I'll just
slide more over
into producing
or writing or directing.
I knew a woman in Paris,
she did what you do.
She was very intelligent.
Oh, thank you.
And do you want children?
Um, I don't know. Maybe one day.
Don't wait. That's all I will say.
The old biological clock
starts a—ticking.
You could always freeze.
That's a way of putting off life.
I'd like Shiv to freeze.
Embryos, not eggs.
A little bit of me in the bank.
Thought about that?
(EXCLAIMS) So much advice! Wow.
You know, my friend from Paris
who was your way?
She actually was murdered.
It was nothing to do
with her being a prostitute,
it was to do with a restaurant
that went poof!
What?
(CAR LOCK BEEPS)
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
-(|ND|ST|NCT CHATTER)
Hey, do you have any, uh,
non-alcoholic beer?
No. Sorry.
Okay. How about, uh, sparkling water?
Mmm-hmm.
You a tourist?
-Uh, kind of.
-Hmm.
Wow. Fancy.
Kendall Roy?
You here visiting family?
Connor Roy?
KENDALL: What?
No, it's okay,
I probably think the same.
-Yeah. There's just stories.
-Like?
Like, he came in here one night,
he had this dog with cancer
that he couldn't let the vet kill
but he couldn't watch it die either,
so he dragged that thing
around the whole bar
asking somebody if they'd take it
and give it a good life.
He said, "I'll pay you.
I just can't watch."
Anyway, Skunkhead Tanner over there
took three grand,
shot her in the parking lot.
Jesus.
-What?
-None of your business.
I was talking about Skunkhead.
Don't talk shit about me, Janelle.
Oh, really? (LAUGHS)
Hey, also, can I get
a double Smirnoff rocks?
-Lime?
-No.
Keep it open.
Heard you killed my brother's dog.
ALON: Look, can we go back
to our agreement
where we put aside our cell phones,
just focus on what's
going on this room?
Can we do that?
I'm trying to buy a number
of television stations.
Okay, but could you do it later?
Fine. Tell me what more you want,
and I'll dance the dance.
I guess what I want
is for you to tell us
how you are feeling.
-How I'm feeling?
-Mmm-hmm.
Ifeel...
I need to check my emails.
That's not a feeling, Dad.
Maybe don't deny Dad's feelings, Shiv.
I turned down something huge
to be here, and you're gonna tank it.
-I'm doing therapy.
-I don't think you are.
LOGAN: I am.
Well, now you're denying
theirfeelings, Dad.
Look, what I think we should
really have a conversation about
is the fact that Kendall's not here.
And that's because
there are reports of him
running around taking drugs.
And I, for one, don't know where
those have come from.
You don't have to worry about that.
What does that mean?
I'm not getting into that today.
It's beyond the remit.
I don't really think
there is a remit, Dad.
I had nothing to do
with those stories.
Shiv, do you believe your father?
-Well...
-ALON: Go on.
Honestly, no.
I think this whole thing is fake.
ALON: Roman?
I don't know.
I don't know.
-No.
-ROMAN: I mean,
he might not have meant to, but...
-No, I don't believe him.
-I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
All right?
I'm finished.
I'll apologize as much
as you fucking like,
but I can't get into everything.
That's it.
ALON: You know, Logan,
if I'm asked if I thought that you
participated in this family therapy
in an earnest way,
I don't think that I could answer
in good conscience that you have.
Fine. I apologize.
Maybe I'm hungry.
I got nothing to hide.
Okay.
How about we take a break
and begin again,
clean slate, this afternoon? Hmm?
TOM: So come on, come on, tell me.
What did everybody say in there, huh?
Was it nothing too horrible
or upsetting, huh?
Was it just disgusting?
Hey, I'm gonna go down
to Santa Fe to meet Gil.
Oh. What? So everything
has been resolved in there?
Yeah. Totally.
We're all completely sane.
All resolved.
Oh. (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Come on.
-Can I take a car?
-What's up?
-Wait. What are you doing?
-The Tesla.
I'm going into town.
I've got a meeting.
I'm not gonna take this
seriously if no one else is.
CONNOR: But we're
getting somewhere, Shiv.
I can feel it. He's breaking down.
You're sweet and I love you,
but you're delusional.
Well, you can't do that.
Is that allowed?
Well, I think Shiv is capable
of making an adult decision.
But here's what I was thinking.
Why don't we all take a break, huh?
Just get out of our heads
and into our good bodies.
You know? Let's go for a swim.
Everybody. You know?
Get your dad out there.
-Dad can't swim.
-SHIV: Yeah.
He doesn't even trust water.
It's too wishy-washy.
Can I have the keys?
-Thank you.
-Seriously?
SHIV: Yeah.
-Hey, Willa.
-Yeah?
Hey, honey, uh, do you know about
the family photo for later?
Yeah, it'll be nice.
Yeah, well, um,
there was an idea
that, uh, maybe you should sit it out.
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry.
No, no, it's okay. I'll probably
end up getting murdered anyway.
-Nobody's murdering you.
-(SIGHS)
You're adorable.
You're un-murderable. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, my God.
-CONNOR: Um...
Look, you know...
You know I appreciate you.
I appreciate you, too.
And I think you're better
than all of them.
Thank you.
Look, I know that
we talked about this before,
but I was just wondering
if you could...
Well, would you...
I don't know how to say this,
except to say that love
is a strange and peculiar affliction.
It's like a virus.
So could you please
just stay here for a while
-and maybe you'll catch it.
-Con.
What I mean is that
you would have an allowance
and you would continue to write
and you continue
to travel to New York,
and Iwould help you
build a life in the theater.
(CHUCKLES)
Gosh, that's a lot.
Yeah, but we have so many great ideas.
Yeah. Sure. No, we do.
So we could do family,
but we could do it different.
I mean,
we could try.
Exactly! Why not? Yeah?
Yeah!
-Yeah?
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, I love you.
And i... (STAMMERS)
-I love you.
-(CHUCKLES)
CONNOR: See? That wasn't so hard,
was it? (LAUGHS)
Okay. Lot of wolf stuff.
-Yeah, man, I love the wolves.
-KENDALL: Uh-huh.
-He really likes the wolves.
-Yeah. Cool.
CHANG: My mom says I was a wolf child.
That's 'cause she never bothered
to take care of you, Chang.
That's just fucking salesmanship
of her neglect.
(HOWLS)
KENDALL: Nice.
-You get wolves here?
-Nope.
-No? Okay.
-Fucking wish.
I never did meth.
And I'm technically sober,
so this is kind of an experiment.
(LAUGHS)
There we go.
Well... (CLEARS THROAT)
There's a thing now that
Type A's actually can't get addicted.
You know? 'Cause we are addicted.
You know, if it wasn't for wolves,
we couldn't speak.
It's from having to
tell dogs what to do
that we actually had a need
to talk out loud,
you know, to command 'em?
You guys, come on.
We got a real person.
Let's not attack his brain.
We should get some more.
-MAN: Fuck, yeah.
-Yeah?
And, uh, maybe some weed.
-Right.
-Some Oxys, some...
Some goodies.
So, you like it?
Experiment successful.
I am interested
in becoming a meth head.
MAN: Yeah.
Well, we're the fucking
right people, dude!
-ALON: Hey.
-Oh, hi. You coming in?
-Oh, yeah.
-Good.
Don't be afraid of what's down there.
Pretend it's our subconscious
and just go for it.
I know how to dive.
Yeah, you gotta jump.
-You want me tojump?
-Jump! Jump! Jump!
-Jump, ya fucking pussy!
-Jump! Jump! Jump!
Excuse me, there's been
an accident in the pool.
-What did he say?
-MARCIA: What happened?
MARCIA: An accident in the pool.
We don't know if he got
a head injury, or...
He just dived in
and he hit the bottom.
-Did you hit your head?
-(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)
-He hit his teeth?
-ROMAN: His teeth are in his head,
Connor, it's kind of
a central feature.
Alon, it's signed. It's clearly
signed. What were you thinking?
Shall I call an ambulance?
I didn't think he'd jump
in headfirst. Hi, Karolina.
Hey, Roman. Don't let him go to sleep.
(MUFFLED) I don't want
to go to fucking sleep!
Let's take a look. The bleeding always
makes it look
worse than it actually...
-Jesus Christ!
-(ALL EXCLAIM)
Let's take him to the hospital.
-Really?
-ROMAN: No, you're okay, man.
It's okay. You look okay.
It'll be faster
if I just take him myself.
Oh, no, no, no, send your guys.
Send Colin.
-We should stay.
-No, I want to help him...
(WHISPERS) I want to make sure
that he's not litigious.
LOGAN: Fucking great! And I was about
to take advice from a clown
who dives headfirst into
the shallow end of the pool!
And now everyone's fucking off!
CONNOR: It's okay. I got you.
Roman is here.
He's here for the photos,
for everything.
-Sure. I give good cheekbone.
-LOGAN: Okay.
NATHANIEL: Gil.
Siobhan Roy.
The acceptable face of
the worst family in America.
Yeah. Gil Eavis.
Stalin in a plaid shirt.
(SHIV CHUCKLES)
Okay. Well, happy meeting.
So, how are you?
Really?
Uh... Well, my family's fucked.
I'm not talking to my dad,
and my brother's suing my dad.
Sorry. If family isn't right,
nothing feels right.
Yeah. And how are you?
You gonna go for it?
I'm feeling really good.
Suffered some depression
last year after everything,
but, um, I'm good.
And so, what, you want me
to handle the message on that?
No. That's just the truth.
Look, Siobhan,
I'm not gonna make you do a dance.
I'm finalizing. Nate and me
want you on the team.
What do you think?
Well, I think you're too radical.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not telling you
anything you don't know.
The good politician,
he figures out what people need
and then he sells it back
to them as what they want.
So, this is a job offer?
Well, yes.
But there's an issue.
What, my name?
One section of my base
would be outraged
for me even meeting with you.
Yeah, well, that section has
nowhere else to go, so fuck 'em.
Yeah.
Look, if I'm gonna win big
the way I want to,
to remake this country
for the better...
Ooh! La-dee-dah.
I need to spike your father's guns.
The papers, the news channels.
Oh, I can't help with that.
No, no, no, of course. Of course.
But I'm gonna go for his throat.
Legally, legislatively,
hearings, referrals.
I thought I should tell you.
It'll be ugly.
And how do you know
that I won't betray you?
Well, I guess I trust you.
I can work with Nate,
but I can't work for Nate.
It's fine, it'sjust a,
it's a preposition thing.
We can figure all that out.
The bigger question is,
do you want this enough
to go to war with your family?
(CAMERA CLICKS)
CAMERAMAN: Can we do
the walking and talking?
-What?
-CAMERAMAN: Walking and talking.
He wants us to be talking.
CAMERAMAN: That looks good.
ROMAN: Thank you.
-We look great, apparently.
-Uh-huh.
I want you to call Japan.
We got the office set up here.
I'm tickling Sandy on local.
I want you to get into
the government issues
-of the launch detail.
-Right. Sure.
Do you actually want me to do that,
or are you just saying shit
for the camera?
No.
You're a COO, aren't you, huh?
Yeah.
-Well?
-Oh, sure. I got it.
I mean, I was just checking.
Thank you, gentlemen.
That's really grand.
-ROMAN: Yeah?
-This looks imperial here.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Did he say "imperial"?
-Imperial.
What the hell does that mean?
Yeah, he's good.
-Yes.
-Yeah.
So?
(CHUCKLES) I don't...
I don't know.
i... (CHUCKLES)
Okay.
-Okay?
-Okay.
Right?
Fuck,yes.
I mean, Itold him
that he would have to fire you
if he was gonna hire me, but...
-Uh, it's fine.
-Okay.
-For the good of the country.
-Right.
My Airbnb has a, um,
-memory foam mattress.
-(CHUCKLES)
How about we
give it some memories?
Ooh. Wow.
-(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
-(SEAT BELT ALARM BEEPS)
Turn it Off.
Turn it Off.
(ENGINE STOPS)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(GRUNTS)
(CLEARS THROAT) Let's just
sit here a minute and...
So I can think.
(BREATH ES HEAVlLY)
CHANG: He sees Oprah
walking down the street,
he's like, "Oprah,
you get a car. You get a car."
He's so rich he needs a golf cart
to pass the salt.
He's so rich
his goldfish wear furs.
CHANG: Yeah, yeah, fish fur.
He's so rich that his sperm
has little top hats
and monocles and shit.
-CHANG: Yeah. "Good day, vagina.
-(LAUGHS)
"May I enter thou?"
You know, I don't even care
that you're richer than us.
I mean, who's better off, ultimately?
I mean, clearly, you are,
but fuck it, who cares?
I do.
Guys, I gotta make a quick call.
-Yeah, go for it.
-MAN: Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Uh, hey.
-KENDALL: Bro.
I've got a lot of
important information in play.
-What? Where are you?
-l’m in New Mexico.
-What?
-I realize now.
Are you high?
No. I'm at some guy’s house.
I mean, yeah, we've been taking drugs,
but I'm very clear.
Uh, can you drop me a pin,
so I know you're okay?
Ro, we're okay.
There's nothing wrong with us.
Just drop me a fucking pin.
I'm not gonna come get you.
Do it now. Are you doing it?
Yeah, okay. Hold on.
Here ya go.
Okay. I'm coming to get you, man.
Are you doing the call?
Uh, yeah. Uh, yes, lwill.
But, um, I'm going to get Kendall.
He's here, and he's not great.
Okay, go. Go. Go.
Yeah, okay. But no, lwill.
I'll make the call.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Who the fuck is that?
KENDALL: Oh.
ROMAN: Kendall.
-MAN: Who the fuck is that?
-It's cool, it's my brother.
-ROMAN: Hey.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
KENDALL: It'S cool. Let him in.
Jesus. Fuck.
Chang. Let him in, man.
Thank you.
Oh. Wow.
Hi.
Gonna offer me a cup of tea?
I like what you've done
with the, uh, wolves.
-Yo, Chang, show him your wolf tattoo.
-ROMAN: Excellent taste.
Do the howl, Chang.
-(HOWL|NG)
-ROMAN: Wow.
Funny and cool.
Yo. This is Chang, Tanner,
that's Mac.
ROMAN: That's so great
to meet you guys.
Uh, let's get outta here. Come on.
You know, lwas thinking
I probably shouldn't talk to you
given the, uh, ongoing situation
apropos of my legal action against you
as a board member
for your failure
to fulfill your fiduciary duty
and breach of my employment contract,
but then, (SIGHS) I don't know,
but then I thought,
"Who fucking cares?"
What... Is this...
What is this?
What is this, fucking crank?
We've been having a lot of fun, Mom.
(MAN SNICKERING)
ROMAN: Yeah. That's good.
Yo, seriously. You should try this.
I would love to, some other time.
I hear that shit makes you, uh, crash
like an Airbus full of eggs.
-TANNER: Not if you stay high.
-(LIGHTER CLICKING)
Tanner makes good points.
I think this lighter is fucked.
ROMAN: That is a really good point.
Um, you know what?
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
That's enough. Ican fix that. Here.
(WHISTLES)
Oh, hey,
how's the family therapy?
The therapy? It was total bullshit.
He didn't even do it.
-KENDALL: He didn't do it?
-No. He didn't.
-Come on.
-KENDALL: I'm coming. Let's do it.
CHANG: Hey, man, yourfriend sucks.
-That's my brother.
-Your brother sucks.
He's actually... You know what?
-He's okay.
-ROMAN: Thanks.
Our people will reach out
to your people.
TANNER: Hey, Kendall! Tell Bill Gates
my computer's fucked up
from all the fucking updates, man!
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Should I call a doctor? Rava?
You want me to hit a kid,
so I can steal his kidneys?
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
-Fuck. I'm sorry.
I have to make a call. It's the...
It's the launch in Japan thing. Um...
Is that cool?
KENDALL: It's okay.
Yeah?
You do your call.
Okay.
(THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT
PLAYING ON RADIO)
-(KENDALL SINGING ALONG)
-No. No, Lion King.
Yeah, could you...
(CONTINUES SINGING)
(TURNS OFF RADIO)
-Sorry.
-(TURNS ON RADIO)
(CONTINUES SINGING)
What, are you fucking four?
Will ya knock it off?
I'm trying to drive the car
and not have a-weema-weh
in my fucking face.
-All right. That's enough!
-(LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(DOOR CLOSES)
-Hey!
-Oh, hey!
-Hey.
-Hi.
5:25;;
5*???
You're late.
So, what happened
with the, uh, fake therapy?
Any pretend breakthroughs?
Any good performances?
Nothing. Our therapist died.
-What?
-Metaphorically speaking.
He, uh, smashed his teeth out
in the pool.
Oh, my God.
Freud would have had a field day.
Where you been?
I was meeting about a prospective job.
With your father's enemy?
Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.
LOGAN: I keep an eye
on things, Siobhan.
I keep an eye.
SHIV: What is that supposed to mean?
I mean, I had a meeting.
You do whatever the hell you like,
on everything, forever...
Why don't we, uh, chat this over
in the morning?
MARCIA: And he has to hear it
from his so-called friends,
on the phone,
dripping poison in his ear.
CONNOR: Jesus.
KENDALL: Family therapy!
(DRUMMING)
-CONNOR: Kenny.
-Family therapy!
Family therapy!
-(DOOR OPENS)
-KENDALL: Hey, hey, hey!
What up, motherfuckers?
Sorry I'm late.
What are we arguing about?
-What's wrong with him?
-KENDALL: Oh, where do we start?
(SIGHS) I'm off my nut, folks.
-Off my fucking nut.
-SHIV: Oh, my God.
Like all the papers said.
Your dreams have come true.
Congratulations.
Just so you know, I think things are
good with the launch.
-I talked to the guy...
-KENDALL: He doesn't care, Ro.
He doesn't even fucking notice.
Dad, give him a high five.
Come on. He'S waiting. Dad?
You'd do that to me? Eavis.
The one senate member
who wants to fuck me ragged.
On the same side as those animals
that hit me with a bag of piss.
It's my work, Dad. You of all people
ought to understand that.
Work? It's rebellion! Sabotage!
SHIV: Oh, yeah, of course,
'cause it's all about you.
Not that I might be in agreement
with his points about the purchases,
-orjust maybe his whole philosophy.
-Philosophy?
This is nothing but a miserable
deliberate attempt
to undermine my whole
business strategy.
KENDALL: (LAUGHS) You don't have
a business strategy, Dad.
Your whole business model
is based on seducing presidents.
You're a really high-class hooker.
-No offense.
-CONNOR: Hey.
WILLA: Fuck off.
It's fine. My aunt's an addict.
It's been a long day.
It's been really nice
getting to know you all a bit better.
-Good night.
-Good night.
I gotta say | feel
a little bit used today, Pa.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Not you, too.
Where we are and all that's happened,
and then even tonight
you have to go off and work?
I made some calls. Jesus.
Can't you wait?
Can Iwait for you
to finish a few calls?
Yeah, Ithink so. Ithink so, Pa.
I've had a bit of practice.
-Connor.
-CONNOR: Quite a bit.
Connor, your father has been busy
dealing with these two traitors.
Disagreeing with Dad is not treason.
Mmm. But trying to make one of
his biggest enemies president
is kind of a "fuck you."
Oh, hey, Dad. Dad.
I like those stories
you planted about me.
That was...
-Yes. You forced my hand.
-There it is.
Yes! And he's fucking lucky
that was all.
What you kids do not understand,
it's all part of the game.
KENDALL:
Oh, it's all part of the game.
Come on, everybody.
It's a rootin'-tootin'
super fucking fun game
for all the family!
Step right up!
You run towards politics to prove
that you're your own man.
Fine. But that's not principle.
You're scared to compete.
You're marrying a man
fathoms beneath you
because you don't want to risk
being betrayed.
You're a fucking coward.
Wow.
Wow. You are just beyond.
You know, Iwas born lucky.
I'm a lucky person.
I realize that.
And you're so fucking jealous,
aren't you?
You're so fucking jealous
of what you've given your own kids.
You can't handle it.
You can't work it out.
If I had spoken to my uncle
like that...
What? Hmm?
What would evil Uncle Noah do?
Calling your daughter
a coward till she cries?
-Big man.
-Logan. Logan. Logan.
Logan.Loganl
You are a fucking nobody.
Fucking nobody.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-As always.
-WILLA: Good to see you.
I'm sorry. You know.
-No. It's fine.
-Well,
you know, it wasn't great.
But you had some fun, right?
-Yeah.
-You had some fun here?
-Okay. You come back and see me?
-Yeah.
-It was really fun.
-Buddy, I'm sorry.
-No, don't.
-It was just such a drag.
TOM: No, no. It was good fun.
-You had some fun, right?
-TOM: Yeah, absolutely.
-CONNOR: All right, bye.
-Okay. Bye.
TOM: Bye-bye.
CONNOR: Call me.
CONNOR: It's funny,
I wanted 'em all here.
But I feel relieved
they're starting to go.
WILLA: Hmm.
It'll be nicer when it's just us.
How far is it to a Starbucks?
-I have pods.
-Okay. Great.
(SNIFFS)
MARCIA: That's it. There you go.
MARCIA: All right.