Still Game (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Dead Leg - Part One - full transcript

ALL LAUGH

What's going on here?

This is magic. Wait till you see
this.

Right, come on. Do me.

6'1". 14st on the button.

42 chest. 11 in a shoe.

CHUCKLES: That's me fitted for my
coffin. The old wooden overcoat.

No measuring tape. No nothing.

And I've to get a cheaper coffin,
cos I'm that wee bit wee-er.

Do Meena now.

This'll be the most expensive coffin
in Craiglang, huh?



They'll need eight wrestlers to
carry it!

SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Aww.

Actually, Mrs Drennan,
it was you I came in to see.

Oh, no, no. Oh, I don't want
to play your deid-body coffin game.

No, no, I just want to see

if I could get you to come in
and do a bit of cleaning.

Ooh. Cleaning down dead bodies
in preparation for the afterlife.

Because the big man upstairs

does not like to receive a dirty
body.

SNIFFS: "Ooh, down to hell,
you dirty, stinky, manky corpse!"

"We cannae have you honkin' the
place out! Get back down the
escalator!"

Gentlemen, please.

Just after I close, come in
and do a bit of dusting, polishing.



Cash, of course.

Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing.

Lovely.
Deal!

Oh! Oh!

Deal!

LAUGHTER

He's a right good laugh,
this fella, isn't he?

You always get hit wi'
a good bit of patter when you go in.

Aye, I'll give him that - he's
funny.

Have you no' got
your own magazine to read?

There's a Pokenose Monthly
lying over there.

Oh, sorry, son.
It looks good, but, doesn't it?

What does?
Water-skiing.

Are you thinking of taking it up?

Oh, let's see.

76, red face, pot belly, one leg,

and it's difficult to hold a pint
when you're on it,

so it'll no' be this year.
So, you've only got the one leg?

Still, you shouldnae let that
hold you back.

I've seen boys on the telly
doing it one leg.

Spinning, tricks and that, you know.

Mono-boarding, they call it.

You're mono-boring me. I'm no'
interested.

Oh, sorry, son. I cannae help
myself.

There's all sorts wrong wi' me.
I take tablets for everything.

I take 24 tablets in the morning

and then 36 tablets at various times
throughout the day.

Listen here, you old prick!

It'll be a bit tickly and mad itchy,
but it's healing up.

I don't mind a wee bit of tickly,
Doctor.

Stop that now!

Mr Ingram.

Oh, look who it is -
Lennon and McCartney.

We'll boot you right in
the Ringo Starrfish.

Two pints, you Pete Best prick!

No Tam, no Winston?

Was Winston no' up at the doctor's?

Was he? What's wrong with him?

I don't know. A suspected burst
coupon.

Goldie, please, Boabby.
What happened there?

I'm gonnae throw this
in the skip behind Navid's.

Cat's jumped up and knocked it down.

Destroyed. Bastard.

Cash.

See, the thing is, my Frances,
she's distraught.

Sorry to hear that.
Money for the goldie.

Aye, she's gonnae miss her

programmes - EastEnders, The Cakey
Bake Off...

...Blue Planet.

Oh, she loves the dolphins!

She's dolphin daft.

And the porpoises

and the mollus...molluskerus.

Shellfish.

She's heartbroken, Boabby.
It's hard to watch.

Bit like this telly.

Right.

Do you know what else
she likes to watch?

Would I Lie To You?.

I'm no' taking this to the skip.
I've just taken it out the skip.

It's the same make as my own.

Take it up the road,
I lie it flat down on the carpet,

call the insurance - 400 quid, boom!

I just hope the insurance guy's
as gullible a wanker as you, Boabby.

OK, Tam, that's it.

I'm no' responsible
for what's about to happen.

As much as it pains me,

what with only having
six regular customers,

the time has come.

Does Frances watch The Apprentice?

Cos you're barred.

Do you no' mean "fired"?

Aye. Er, no, barred,
you miserable bastard.

Oh, that was good!

You were having a right good
carry-on wi' her, Doctor.

Aye, aye, she's a scream.
Nothing gets her down.

All my patients are a good laugh.

There's not a day
I don't love coming in here.

Ho-ho! What a hoot you get.

Now, your other leg's
going to have to come off.

Aye, good. Good one.
You're murder, you.

It's true.

ISA: Oh, Isa, hen, what have you
done?

"Cash, of course."

"Oh, yes, Mr Sheathing. Lovely."

Right, enough!

BANGING

Oh! Oh!

SCREAMS: Oh! Oh!

GROANS

HOOVER STARTS

HOOVER STOPS

OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC

Oh! Oh!

MUSIC STOPS

Cleaning a funeral home, by Christ!

It's my knickers that'll need

cleaning by the time I get up the
road.

Ah, Winston, I'm sorry.

Cup of tea?
No, you sit down.

I'll make a cup of tea.
Plenty of time for sitting down.

I'll be sitting down
for the rest of my bastardin' life.

So, what did they say?

WINSTON SIGHS

I stopped listening after
"gangrene".

He'd been sending me these letters
every fortnight for the last

three months, and I just ignored
them.

Was that wise? No, Jack. It was the
opposite of wise.

It was wise-less.

And there's nothing they can do?

The amputation policy
is to catch it early.

Toe before foot. Foot before leg.

If I'd left those letters any

longer, it would have been leg
before arsehole,

arsehole before tits,
tits before heid, heid before
coffin,

so I'm lucky, really.

No way round about it?

No' unless you're a millionaire
and you can get to Switzerland.

Unless you're John Paul Getty.
Did he have rotten legs?

That's right. He had a nickname.

"John Paul Getty, legs like
spaghetti." He was a millionaire!

Oh, aye. Sorry.

Right, we promise you this -

there'll be no more jokes

about Hopalong Cassidy,

or stumpin' up for a drink,

or My Left Foot,

or Long John Silver,

or don't step on my blue suede
shoe...

That's plenty, Jack.
Oh.

Listen, I knew this day was coming,

but I can take anything
that life throws at me.

I'm still Winston,
and I can still take a joke.

I'm no' gonnae be a victim.

So, I want you to keep 'em coming.

Right. We hear you.

What are yous up to the day?

Nothing. We're just, erm... Ooh.

Ah, now, see?
That's what I'm talking about.

None of that pish. Get it said.

Well, we're no' up to anything.
We're just...arseing about.

Arseing about. Funny.

ALL CHUCKLE

Very good.

Right, I'll see yous later on.

Aye.

Funny.

Jack. Victor.

Hello, Navid.

Hello, Tam.
Jack. Victor.

Erm, have you heard about Winston?

Aye, I did indeed.

Rotten business.
You know an' all?

Gentlemen, sometimes I think that
you wilfully forget who's in my
employ.

Isa?

My pal Christine's
the receptionist at the surgery.

While Winston was in the waiting
room, she'd called me to tell me.

So, not only do I know,
but I knew before the information

had crossed the desk and hit
Winston.

Terrible business.

Here's the thing, Navid.
Here's our dilemma.

He disnae want us
to treat him any differently.

And rightly so. Your relationship is
born out of banter,

badinage...persiflage, if you will.

You fling insults at one another
like monkeys flinging shite at the
zoo,

and if you stop that,
he'll...not have shite on him,

and he disnae want that because...

Och, you know what I mean.

Aye, we get what you're saying,

but we're just gonnae
have to band together

and try and make his life a bit
easier. Agreed.

We're gonnae speak to Boabby
about us building a ramp at
The Clansman.

BOTH LAUGH
Mocked by the beads.

Shut up, Meena.

That's a great idea. I might build a
ramp.

You don't need one. You're on the
level. No, for Meena. A ramp
into the van.

It would help get the bastard into
it.

Hey, where are you off to, boys?
Clansman.

Oh, no, no, stay here a bit longer.
We'll have a catch-up.

So, there's nothing can be done
to save his leg, no?

No' without a tonne of money and,
well, Winston's no' got two bob, has
he?

What the hell are you doing?

I was gonnae pay for them!
Get out! You're barred!

CREAKING

MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

ISA SCREAMS

Oh! Oh!

So, Boabby, are we going to get
a green light on this ramp, or what?

Let me phone somebody. I don't think
you know what you're doing.

Why don't you stick to pulling
pints, and we'll stick with the
proper graft?

Ha!
That's a laugh - proper graft.

Try doing a late-night shift
at that creepy bastard's parlour.

Oh, Isa, please.
See, it's all in the planning.

This here is a shoring mould.

It's called shoring, Boabby.

I know all about shoring.
Well, what is it, then?

Well, after a day's sailing,
a boat comes in and goes,

"Right, there's the shore."

And the boat comes in to...the shore
and goes up...the ramp.

We're no' talking about
the Royal Yacht Britannica, Boabby.

It's for a wheelchair.

Britannia, Jack.

Eh? What did I say?
"Britannica".

You just described
a floating encyclopaedia.

How much is this gonnae cost?

Jack?

Eh? Oh, erm, not a curdy.

No, they're building a new block of
flats at the bottom of the road as
we speak.

Now, myself, Victor and Shug
will saunter down there

and explain to the foreman
our friend's situation

and that will appeal
to his charitable side.

ALL LAUGH

Free cement?
Listen to these old roasters!

Get to f...

400.

Oh, Jesus! Naw.

Och, all right, fine.
It's for a good cause.

THEY CELEBRATE QUIETLY

Erm, can we get three pints, Boabby?

It's thirsty work
thinking about building ramps.

Fine. Then get to work.

Tam. Isa.

Where are you headed?
Nowhere.

Cannae go into The Clansman.
Cannae go into Navid's.

I've been walking about Craiglang
like a bastardin' security guard.

Even caught myself swinging
my house keys earlier, like this.

Aye, must be nice, that -
walking about,

on your legs,

which is more than Winston'll be
doing in a few weeks.

I'm no' avoiding him, Isa.

In fact, I was gonnae drop by and
see him

once I'd stopped
walking about...aimlessly.

Aye. Well, why don't you take a walk
up tae the bookie's and get barred
fae there?

Or take a walk up to the park
and maybe get barred fae there?

Or take a walk up and see your
bloody pal?

OK! I'll admit it - it's awkward.

I mean, what do you say?

If he's gonnae talk honestly to
anybody, it's gonnae be to you.

He disnae want sympathy.

He needs his best pal.

You go up and just be yourself.

No kid gloves. Just be Tam.

Thanks, Isa.

Tam. What?

Winston's house is up there.

Aye, of course it is. That way.

ISA: Just be yourself. Just be Tam.

Well, I suppose, on the up side,
your invalidity benefit's gonnae
jump up.

I'm no' gonnae be doing
any jumping up, am I?

No. Sorry.

Here, I could teach you chess

and we could go down to the park
on a Sunday

and fleece those daft old bastards
that play. We'd make a fortune.

So, you're saying to me
that this wheelchair

is gonnae give me an opportunity
to make money?

I'm no' gonnae need a fortune then.

I'm gonnae need a fortune now
to get a specialist to save my leg.

Right, OK, I was thinking -

remember that pair of lovely brogues
you bought last year?

Yes.

Can I get them?
You'll no' be needing them.

Out, you lousy bastard!

I'm just being myself.
That's what Isa told me to be!

You've got a black heart!
Away and be yourself somewhere else!

Get out!

Isa, look at that. Proper graft.

Planned to perfection
and expertly executed.

Run along, Isa.

Run along now, and tell everybody
what you have seen here today.

Tam!
Yes, Winston?

I don't wish you the health to wear
them, you rat's arse!

Ow!
You and I are finished!

Tea - the workers' reward. There you
are.

There you go. Oh, lovely, lovely.

Thank you. I'll tell you something
else, boys.

See that ramp? That ramp's gonnae
be there long after we're gone.

People are gonnae walk by here
in years to come and they're gonnae
say,

"Who forged this?"

And the answer will be,
"They say that three men came

"and gave of their time
selflessly and tirelessly

"for the benefit of a dear friend."

Yes, and that there, boys,
will be our legacy,

which nobody can befoul.

Oh, you little bastard!
You wee cheeky...!

WHIMPERS

LOCK RATTLES

Oh, by Christ!

Whoever you are, you can bugger off!

I'm team-handed in here,
and one of them's my mate Peggy.

You might have seen her about.
She's built like a brick shit-house!

SHRIEKS

Open the door, Mrs Drennan.
Oh!

Oh, you big, lanky streak of creepy
piss. What you doing to me?

That's the last straw, Mr Sheathing.
Here, I quit.

If I stay here any longer, the next
person you'll be burying is me!

Not quite.

I think you'd better sit down.

Must be a lot to lose your legs.

Oh, no!

I've got to be honest with you,
boys.

I thought you were going to
make a total arse of it.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh!

I didnae think you had it in yous.

Oh! Oh!

Waaah!

Oh, no! Oh!

I thought the whole thing
was gonnae fall flat on its face.

Oh, no!

Well, Boabby, when you're quite
finished blowing smoke up our arses,

is there any chance we can get
three more pints to throw down our
necks?

Fine.

Tam's died.

Well, I've been up to see Frances,

and frankly,
I couldnae get much out of her.

That's a first.

What were you expecting?
The Gettysburg Address?

What I meant was,
she was in an awful strange mood.

Course she was in a strange mood,
Isa. Her man's just died.

She'll be in shock, Isa.
Nothing strange about that.

Well, I think one of yous should go
up.

Well, I cannae go up. I barred him.
What am I gonnae say?

"Oh, I'm so sorry about Tam,
Frances,

"but look on the bright side -
he's no longer barred from my shop."

BOABBY: Well, I'm in the same boat.

"Sorry about your loss, Frances.

"You're in my thoughts, hen,

"as is the tab he run up over 30
year."

Look, I know it should be me that
goes up,

being as his best pal and all,
but what am I gonnae say?

"Frances, I feel terrible about
this,

"but I'm just happy
it was a heart attack he died of

"and no' a brain haemorrhage,

"after I bounced
those Clarks brogues off his heid"?

BOTH: Jesus.

Hello, boys.

Hello, Frances.

We thought we'd just come round and
just check to see everything was all
right.

Just wanted to see if there was
anything we could do for ye.

No. Mr Sheathing's
taking care of everything.

He's even going to speak,
cos I'm too upset.

Right.

Is that a problem?

Well, it's just that Mr Sheathing
didnae really know Tam, did he?

Not like all of us.

OK, then.
You two can speak at his funeral.

How did we get saddled with this?

Oh, well, let me remind you.

You said,
"Sheathing didnae really know him."

Well, let me remind you.
You said, "Not like all of us."

Wanker.
Call me a wanker, you wanker!

Aye, well, we're a couple of
wankers, aren't we? Tam...

That's us dropping like flies now.

Christ, Jack, I'm really gonnae miss
him.

Aye, me too.

Well, we're just gonnae have
to come up with a few fitting words

to send him on his way.

"Dearly beloved..."

Oh, you cannae start with that,
Jack. We're no' priests or
ministers.

We're his pals! I mean,
what do we know about Tam?

What do we know? What do we know?

He was a miserable bastard.

"Miserable...bastard."

He used to love to con Boabby out a
pint.

Aye, he did indeed. Aye.
That was always funny.

Is that no' the same
as "miserable bastard"?

Aye.

Got it.

"Although he loved Frances,
he never took her any holidays,

"nor did he buy her any gifts
for her Christmas or her birthday."

Again, I refer to our earlier
statement that he was a miserable
bastard.

Jesus, this is much more difficult
than I thought it was gonnae be.

I think we're making this tougher
than it needs to be, you know.

All we need to do is speak from the
heart in a sort of freeform sense,
you know.

What, like jazz?
Exactly like jazz.

Like...

# Bee-bop ba-doo-ba-doo-doo-doo, Tam

# Boo-bop, ba-doo-ba-da-doo
Miserable bastard

♪ Miserable bastard. ♪

Well...

STUTTERS:
...it's a smashin' day for it.

Victor?

Just you go on the now, Jack.

Er, well, what can we...?

What can we say about Tam?

He was a man that we knew
for a lot of years.

Er, he was just always there.

People would say, "Tam, Tam, Tam,
Tam, he was some man."

He was... He was tight...

...er, with the rest of us.
We were a tight group.

Miserable...that we all are
now that he's gone.

Jack, Victor, a valiant effort,

but on the whole, piss-poor.

Allow me.

Tam...was a miserable git.

He was never happier than when
he was trying to con you out of
something.

A fiver. A pint. A loaf.

A fridge-freezer. A space hopper.
Och, anything.

And he was always coming up
wi' some sob story

to make you part wi' your money.

But that got on most people's tits,
including mine.

And so, the last time I saw him,
we fell out.

But if I'm being honest with myself,
it made me laugh -

the barefaced cheek of the man.

CHUCKLING

And I think Tam knew that.

And I think that's why he did it -
to gie us all a laugh.

I mean, if we're no' here for
a bastardin' laugh, what are we here
for?

LAUGHTER

Well said, Winston.

Right, who wants a drink?

On me. For Tam.

His final freebie.

A pint o' snakebite, Boabby.

Two orange juice.

This is grim, isn't it?
Mm.

Come on.

You all right?

I'm about to get my leg hacked off
in five weeks.

They should have just threw me down
that hole along wi' Tam this
afternoon.

CLEARS HIS THROAT: We're gonnae
have a wee word wi' Frances.

Boys, boys,
she's no' for talking to anybody.

Fair do's.

Isa, I'm starving. Nae purvey?
Nae buffet?

It's in there.

Er, lovely...spread, Frances.

Don't give me that.

Tam telt me years ago
that's what he wanted at his
funeral.

He was very specific about it.

To Tam.

Tam.
ALL: Tam.

To Tam.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, you all right?
Eh? Aye.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

You just left a bit quick.

Aye. I just wanted to get out and
get a bit of fresh air, you know.

Stretch my leg while I've still got
it.

Listen, erm...

Och, nothing. Never mind.
Is that the ramp?

Oh, there's still work to be done to
that. It's no' finished, no.

Well, let's get a look at it.
Naw, naw, naw. No' now.

We were interrupted with all that
bad news and that, you know?

Best to wait and see it when it's
done. I want to see it.

WINSTON LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

Thanks for that, boys. I needed
that.