Still Game (2002–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - Cat's Whiskers - full transcript

This programme
contains adult humour.

KNOCK ON DOOR

VICTOR: Come in! It's open!

Greetings, old pal.

Right back at you, old chumerino.

Clansman? Oh, yes.

My mouth's all shaped for a pint.
How was Corby?

Oh, Corby? Aye, it was OK.

That's my cousin planted now.

Very poor turnout at the funeral,

but by all accounts,
she was an auld bastard anyway.



Still, that's the estate sorted.

She had an estate?
No, she lived on an estate.

I was just handing the keys
back to the council.

Did she leave you anything?

Eh...naw.

So, are we going for a pint,
or what? Yep.

What have you done tae your face?

Oh, this? Nothing.
Just...mixing it up a bit.

So I go away for a fortnight
and I come back

and you've went into
the fried chicken business?

Shut up. I know this looks good.

Have you got a bird?
Gimme peace.

Have you got a wee chicken, then,
deep-fried?

Victor, a man does not
squeeze a beard out



or no reason whatsoever.

What is it you're up to?
Take a look at this.

Oh, aye. That's Derek Bedford.

Used to be in Crossroads.
Then he retired.

Then he got to be the cover guy
on the Twilight Monthly magazine.

Gets tae travel all over the world
getting his photographs taken,

flies everywhere for free,
goes holidays, goes shark fishing,

eats wherever he likes, and he looks
a million dollars into the bargain.

Wow, Jack. You know a lot about him.
Er, aye. I do, aye.

It's no a jealousy thing.
Hmm.

Lucky bastard!

Aye. Well, his luck's ran out.

He was jet-skiing in Barbados.
His steering got locked.

Couldnae turn it, could he? They
found him 14 miles off the coast.

Deid? Cooked.

He looked like a Peperami.

Oh, that's terrible.
He'll be sorely missed.

Aye, he will indeed.
So that's why I've got the beard.

Because you think you can replace
Derek Bedford as the Twilight guy?

They're looking at people just now.

There's a form to be filled in,
photies to be sent, an interview.

This time, they want a couple -
appeal to the auld dames an' all.

I want that gig, Jack.

Naw. Nae offence, Victor. I mean,
you're a decent-looking bloke,

but you're gonnae need more than
a daft beard to swing that gig.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Is that a shark's tooth?

I believe it is. Oxfam. £1.99.

Here, press the lift while I just
put this away in the cupboard.

It's Hawaii 75-0.

MEENA, TRANSLATED:

When hell freezes over.

You've seen the stock numbers.
Stuff's going missing.

Besides, it's always been
two at a time.

It was two at a time for my father,

and two at a time
for his father before him.

OK, four at a time.

Sorry, Father.

DOOR BUZZES

One, two, three.

Meena, you only let in three.

You buying anything?

Naw.

You've been in here before,
haven't you? Maybe.

Mmm. And as far as I recall,
you've never bought anything.

Nice recall.

Not as much as a flying saucer.
They're for spacemen.

Have you got a name?
They call me...the Lone Wolf.

And why would they call you
the Lone Wolf?

Because I work alone.
Mm-hm.

And...I'm going to wolf these!

HOWLS LIKE A WOLF

MEENA: Navid!

Haw! Haw!

MEOW

Oh, there ye are.
The Littlest Hobo, in cat form.

Oh!

There you go, wee fellow-me-lad.

Here, you, this is none of
your semi-skimmed shite.

This is the good, good gear.
Gold Top.

Turn you into a lovely wee fat cat.
Come on, get it scuttled.

MEOWS

Eh...morning, Joe.

Oh, morning, Winston.

What are ye doing?
I'm giving the wee cat some scran.

I've got a saucer of milk
up the stair for it.

Oh, put it in yer tea.

Because he prefers
something mair substantial.

See that wee stray?

I've given it love, attention,
succour.

Aye, well, looks like
you're the sucker,

cos he's clearly moved on fae milk.

Haven't ye, Toby, son?

Toby? His name's Bob!

So the cat's a good fit for me, see?

I don't have to walk it,
cos a cat's no a dug.

A cat's no a dug?

Thank you for stopping by

and clearing that up for us,
Mr Attenborough.

I'll tell ye something else -
a budgie's no a tortoise.

ALL LAUGH
Shut up.

My point is, the cat's a good fit
for Joe, as well,

cos he needs the companionship.

This is a battle I'm no losing.

What's the wee cat's name?
Well, that's the thing.

You see, he's called it Toby,
but I've called it Bob.

Oh, thanks very much, Winston.
You've named the cat after me?

If I named the cat after you,
it would be called Boabby -

Boabby the Cat -
which is a sexual offence.

Aw, look who it is -

Sean Connery and his wee pal...

Odd Job.

Well, there's your Goldfinger
for you. Two pints, prick.

ALL SNIGGER

Right...

..let's be having it, then.
Who's first?

You look like
an anorexic Captain Birdseye.

You look like a junkie Kenny Rogers.

You look like
a Kentucky Fried wanker.

I've covered chicken, Boabby.

You look like Harold Shipman
going his holidays.

So, what's with the beard?
Have you heard of Derek Bedford?

Oh, aye, the sporty pensioner
off the front of the magazine.

Aye. Well, he's deid.
VICTOR: Mm-hm.

And they're coming to Glesga
and they're looking for a new guy.

And he thinks he's the new guy.

I think you'll find
I am the new guy.

You no gonnae give it a go, Jack?

Give this lanky streak of pish
a run for his money, eh?

Aye, he could be standing there
with the surfboard

and you can be the beach baw.

No, no, it's...no for me,

all that posing in front of
magazines, and that.

Naw, that's the pursuit of the vain.

Anyway, you shut up. "Beach baw."

Aw, good for you, Victor.
What do you have to do?

Ach, you just fill a form out,
you know, send your photie in.

They're looking for a woman
an' all. ISA: Are they?

Oh, I might throw my hat
in the ring.

Oh, it can be you and me, Victor,
right there on the front cover.

Boabby, do you have an electric
razor behind the counter there?

The beard's coming aff.

I think you look smashing
with that beard, Victor.

Maybe I could be your beach gal.

Make that an open razor, Boabby.
The beard's staying.

The wrists are getting it.

What do cats like?

Er, shagging,
licking their bits, and sleeping.

No, to eat.
You haven't got a cat.

No' yet, but I will have soon. I
need something a cat cannae resist.

You want these.

Purries - guaranteed
to drive a cat to ecstasy.

It's crack for cats.

It's really only dried-out,
mashed-up fish guts,

but it drives them aff their nut.

Two packs, please.
Get behind the beads.

Huh? Behind the beads!

Ah, the Lone Wolf.

You appear to have wandered
into the lion's den.

There will be no more pilfering.

Hear my roar!

That disnae sound like a lion.
That sounds more like a big pussy.

Cornered, hurling insults.

Not a wolf, but merely a cub.
Put my gear back.

HOWLS LIKE A WOLF

Lion, by Christ.
Clarence, The Cross-Eyed Lion!

CAT TREATS SCATTERING

Come on, wee Bob.
Come and get your fix.

Chicken and liver - irresistible.

You're a bastard, Joe.
I want that cat.

That cat wants me.

That cat cannae live wi' you.

One wrong turn in that buggy of
yours and he'd be roadkill.

Oh, aye? And what are you gonnae do?

Let it use yer leg
as a scratching post?

Has that cat ever been
inside your house?

No' yet. Has it ever been
inside yours?

Naw. So, here's what I'm proposing.

The first person to get wee Bob...

Toby.
Bob, Toby, Toby, Bob. Shut up!

Whoever's hoose that cat
chooses to enter is the victor,

and the loser fits a catflap
for the winner.

You hear that, Toby?

We're getting a catflap.

MEOWS

Oh-ho! Look who it is -
our man in Havana.

Well, I'm havana lager.

Two...

One pint, prick.

Still gunning for that
magazine job, eh? Correct.

Nae offence, Victor, but you look
like Jeremy Corbyn's idiot cousin.

You've nae chance.

Nae offence, like.

All taken.

Where's Jackie-boy?

He's away into the toon.
He'll be here directly.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hello, Victor.

You couldnae see green cheese, Isa,
could ye?

How do you mean?
Don't start.

You're done up like a fish supper!

Och, well, what's the harm in it?
They're looking for a woman as well.

And I'm no the only one
making an effort.

And what job are you applying for?

Coco the bastardin' clown?

I'll see you on the beach.

Well, this is just dandy,
isn't it, eh?

You try to do something, get
the pish ripped out of ye for it,

and then everybody
jumps on the bandwagon.

Well, you know who your friends are,
eh?

Evening, Victor.
Hello, Jack.

Hi, Tam. Hi, Shug.
Hi, Jack.

What is it?

You no taking your bunnet aff?
Nah.

Take your bunnet aff.

Nah, I'm feeling it a bit cold
in here, actually.

Jack...

Nah.
Take your bunnet aff, Big Jack.

ALL SNIGGER

Big deal!
So I got my hair done this morning.

How did you spend your afternoon -
getting stretched on a rack?

Excuse me?
What height are you?

Bloody stupid question.
Same height I've always been.

You've always been 6'1"?
Aye!

We've always been the same height,
you and me.

I mean, that's why
we've always been pals -

cos we ay see eye to eye.

Nice troosers, Jack.

Have you got lifts in your shoes,
Jack?

Yes, Victor. I'm sorry.

Listen, cards on the table -
I need a shot at this goodness

and I sincerely hope it's no
gonnae affect our friendship.

You know what I mean?
It will not.

May the best man win.

Aye, well, glad to hear that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going for a pish.

Wolf. Navid.

The brass balls of you

to walk in here so brazen when
you know that I am watching you.

The Wolf needs to eat.

And you don't think I'll catch you?

SCOFFS
No with that big fat belly.

SIGHS
Fair do's. I stand in defeat.

Fill your boots.

What new ploy's this?
I know when I am beaten.

Chocolate bar.

Packet of crisps.

Tin of kidney beans for the dinner.
I love kidney beans.

And to wash it all down...

..a bottle of fizzo.

CLICK

£4.80, you little bastard.

MEENA: Haw, Navid!

Oh!

HOWLS LIKE A WOLF

SIGHS

Bob! Where are ye?

Hello, Bob.
MEOWS

Hmm? What's this, you ask?

It's...a deid roast chicken.
Still warm.

Would you like a wee bit?
MEOWS

Of course you would.

Is that you hooked now?

MEOWS
Well, the first bit was for free.

But if you want
another piece of heaven,

you're gonnae have to work for it.

Walk this way.

CAT MEOWS

Hey, Joe. It's Winston.

I hope you've got
a saw in the house,

cos you are gonnae be
cutting me a catflap.

Oh, you don't believe me?
Well, I'll take a wee photie.

CAT MEOWS

GROWLING

SCREAMS

Victor.

Yes, Jack?

Can you please turn the heating off?

Take your cardigan off.

No, it's no that.
It's just far too warm in here.

LAUGHS
What you laughing at?

Your hair is running down
your face, Jack.

Shut it, beardy baws.

Right, have you looked through
the questionnaire? I have, aye.

Good.
OK, let's start at the top.

What have you put for
outdoor activities?

Well, I'm ticking yes,
cos there was a day last summer

when it didnae rain and Boabby
did the barbecue in the car park.

You and I had a rotten burger.

So that's yes. Water sports.

You mind we were pished,
we were chokin' for a slash...

That's plenty, Jack.

Oh, hold on, but...

I was on the Waverley
for Billy Cassidy's stag,

so I'm putting sailing.
Right.

Well, I'm putting sailing, as well,

because I remember being on a pedalo
wi' my Jean in Santa Ponsa.

And the reason I remember
is because I burnt my foreheid,

my shoulders and my belly.

It was absolutely brutal.

"Do you ride a horse?"
Yes.

Since when?
Blackpool.

That was a donkey, and you fell off
it because you were pished.

Donkey, zebras - it's all one.

Here, Jack, do you want to just
save time by ticking everything?

Aye.

You putting your photie in?

Aye. Got it done at Jerome's.

Well, it's Swifty Print noo.
Aye. Who done yours?

Shug gave us a dig-oot.

Well, give us a look at it, then.
You first.

We'll baith go at the same time.
Come on.

Promise not to laugh?

No.

VICTOR LAUGHS

When did you get that took?
Yesterday.

That's a boxing pose.
That's correct.

But that's a wrestling belt.

Is it?

Oh, naw. See, I bought that for
the grand-wean's Christmas present,

put it in the cupboard,
and forgot to send it.

Think anybody'll notice?
Nah, it'll be fine. Put it in.

Aye.

Oh, right, show us yours.
Oh, aye.

JACK LAUGHS

That's brilliant. Oh, I like the way

you're staring into
the middle distance.

"Where will I go today
in my red E-Type Jaguar?

"Will I go to the bookie's?
Will I go to the butcher's?

"Will I go to the Clansman?"

Whose car is that?
This big bastard's.

Look at this!

Put that in! Put it in!

You've howled your last howl, Wolf.

In a minute, it is me
who'll be howling...

...with laughter, and that.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for a child
called Lone Wolf.

Darren!

MEOWS
No!

I'm begging you, Bob, son,
don't go in.

Come on, wee Toby.

Come hame, son.

Don't do it, Bob. He's a ratbag.

No-o-o-o-o!

I'm at my wits' end with this one.

I don't know where he is
half the time

and I don't know what he's up to.

Where is the husband?

He's away a lot of the time
on business.

He's a diamond merchant, you see.
Really?

Oh, aye. That's why
we're living like the Kardashians.

No. He's pissed aff.
With the diamonds?

Oh, I see. The diamonds are part of
the Kardashian sarcasm.

You need to pay back every penny
you stole from Mr Harrid.

How am I gonnae dae that?
I've nae money.

What age are you, Darren?
13 last week.

Well, it would appear
that 13 is your lucky number.

PURRING

How have you done that,
ya sleekit bastard?

# Fresh fish

♪ Caught in the ocean
this morning. ♪

Catflap, please.

MUMBLES ANGRILY

I'm next.

You all right?

I was, aye, but now
I feel a wee bit jumpy.

Listen, all we want out of this is
for one of the two of us to win it.

You've got every chance
in the world.

Thanks, Jack. So do you.

Just go in there
and be the best version of yourself.

IMITATES SEAN CONNERY
I love the beaches, the shand,

the shurf...

...the sheashells.

I also like barbecuesh.

I like...chopsh, ribsh, and, erm...

...and shaushagesh.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Has anyone told you
you sound a bit like Sean Connery?

It hash been shaid.

Thanks for coming in.

Shanksh.

First three weeks, no wages,
until I'm paid back.

After that, you make good money.

Thanks, Mr Harrid.

I really do appreciate the
opportunity. I won't let you down.

Good lad.

Hi.

So, it's Eesa?

No, Isa, like Liza. Minnelli.
Drennan.

I see you didn't put your age.
No.

A lady never discusses her age.

ELASTIC PINGS

You see, Mr Mullen,
the couple we are looking for

have to have that outdoor glow,
that sea-sprayed sparkle,

a face that says, "I've had a life
and I'm still living it."

Have you had any work done?

I am aghast, shocked and horrified

that you would even suggest
such a thing.

Thanks very much, Mr Jarvis.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Oh, is that it? Oh, well,
if you'd allow me for a second...

The ladies love this, by the way.

# Oh, I do like to be
beside the seaside

♪ Oh, I do like to be
beside the sea... ♪

That's fine. Thank you, Mr...
Shut up a minute.

There's a better bit coming.

♪ ...I like to go swimmin'
and shag loads of women... ♪

OK, that's enough of that.
Thank you.

Oh...oh, oh!

Ha! No way, man!
The Wolf's got a job!

All these papers are heavy
and my legs are killing me.

See you later, mate.

Good job, Winston.

Aye, you're welcome, Joe.
A bet's a bet.

Can I no put a catflap
in my door an' all

and we can share the bloody cat?

I'm no the sharing type, Winston.

I won the bet, and what's mine's
mine. That's the way I like it.

MEOW

I thought you suited that beard.

Aye, but once I knew I'd lost,
I just wanted it off, you know?

I see you're back to 5'2".

5'8", you cheeky big bastard.

Me dyeing my hair
Paul-McCartney-brown, as well.

And it'll no be long
till you're back to normal.

The bastard on the 42
widnae accept my bus pass.

I had to pay full price!

WHIMPERS

Say hello to Mr...Twilight.

Aw, Shug!

Well done, Shug.
Well deserved, Shug.

What can I tell you, eh?

My years in the Navy.
My specialised skill-set.

I am an outdoor man.

What about the wig?
Oh, they never even noticed it.

To Mr Twilight - Shug!

And Mrs Twilight -

Edith!

Wow, Edith.

You look hu...human.

What did you do wi'
your hairy moles?

They took them aff.
There's a wee keepsake.

And your hump?

Turns out it wisnae
curvature of the spine.

It was just fluid.

JACK GAGS

What can I get the glamorous girl?
A pina colada? A Cuba libre?

Pint of Guinness.

Look who it is, Joe.
A wolf in sheepish clothing.

I'm sorry, Joe.

My feet were sore
and I just wanted a shot.

Nae harm done, son.
We'll say no more about it.

You're lucky, son. Another chance.

You are at a fork in the road.

Down one path,
a life of petty crime and infamy.

The other road?
Hard work, reward, respect.

HOWLS LIKE A WOLF