Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 7, Episode 18 - We're in the Money - full transcript

[instrumental music]

♪ Tu tu tu tu-tu ♪♪

[sighs]
You know what I love
about dinner time?

Give us all a chance to be
together as a family and talk.

- Whatever.
- Yeah, right.

Great.

Well, come on,
I mean, somebody here must have

something exciting to share.

My wart's startin'
to scab over, see.

Thanks for sharing that.

Frank, what about you?



Come on, you always have
something new

to say about your day.

Well, uh, let me see.

Oh, yeah. Oh, gee.

Virgil got a bad chili dog
off the cart today

had the trots all afternoon.

- Check please.
- 'Yeah.'

The man was afraid to sneeze.

Dana's right. Nothing exciting
ever happens around here.

Dudesies! The Codeman's back.

Ha-ha!

Okay.

[laughs]
Hey-hey-hey!

- Cody, good to see you, man.
- Ho-ho.



Meatloaf! Alright!

Man, you guys were having
meatloaf when I left.

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[theme music]

Cody, this is such a surprise.

The last postcard
we got from you

you were in the Himalayas.

Yeah, totally. I was on one
of life's most important quests.

You mean, the search
for spiritual enlightenment?

Well, yeah, that too.

But uh, what I was really
looking for

was the world's
ultimate burger. Yeah.

Found 'em both in one place.

This killer McDonald's
in Tibet.

[laughs]

So, you spent two years
of your life

searching for the ultimate
quarter pounder with cheese?

Yeah, buddy. Yeah.

And there's this wise old monk
workin' at the drive-up window.

Yeah, not only did he
super-size my fries

but he gave me a much more
spiritually enlightened name

one that is ancient,
mystical and wise.

So what's your new name?

Ste-e-eve.

- Steve?
- Na-uh.

Ste-e-eve. Come on.

[all]
Ste-e-eve.

- Ha-ha!
- Yeah, uh..

Well, uh, Ste-e-eve

I'm sure you're dying
to get started

on your next spiritual quest.

So, hey, drop us a card

when you find
the ultimate Taco, huh?

Hey, Dana Burger, there's
no need to rush off so quick.

I can stay with you
the whole weekend.

[laughs]

- Oh, goodie.
- Yeah.

But then I gotta hightail it
for the Sahara Desert.

You know, I'm gonna be
Grand Marshal

at Camel Fest '98. Ha-ha-ha.

So what you got in the bag,
Codeman?

Oh, dudesie!
I almost forgot. Man.

I got you guys some really
bitchin' souvenir gifts

from my world tour.

But I gotta warn ya

some of these gifts contain

magical unexplainable powers.

For the Kare-bear

magic mud from the rainforests
of Brazil.

Legend has it that any babe
who rubs that gunk on her face

will become as beautiful
as an Amazon queen.

Wow! Thanks, Cody.

Hey, listen to this.

"No orangutans were harmed

in the testing of this product."

[chuckles]

So, you got anythin' on this
bag of tricks for me, Codeman?

Oh, yeah, dude,
I almost forgot, man.

The ceremonial courting necklace
from New Guinea.

[chuckles]

Yeah, dude, it's the ultimate
babe magnet, man.

The tribal dudes wear it
when they're scoopin' out

the tribal dudettes
of their dreams.

Oh, man, well, Cody

I already found the dudette
of my dreams.

She's really great girl,
her name is Sam.

But uh, thanks anyways, man.

Hey, hey, hold it, freeze.

Dude, do not remove
the necklace.

The witch doctor general's
warning

if you, uh, remove that necklace
before next full moon

you may spontaneously combust.

I don't believe that, man.

Hey, do what you gotta do.

You know, but..

...the last guy that said that

is now a bag of
easy light charcoal briquettes.

I.. I could leave it on.
I mean, uh..

It does go with the shirt.

Yeah. Heh-heh.

Oh, wait.
Carol, Uncle Frank, yeah.

I almost forgot.
I got you guys a gift too.

I-it's not gonna blow up
or anything, is it?

Oh, no, it's safe. Ha-ha.

[gasps]

Cody.

A cashier's check for $50,000?

- What?
- Yeah.

Ah, dude, I pulled in
some major rupees

at the elephant races
in Calcutta. Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I bet all my money
on Big Fatima to win

and the ol' gal pulled it in
by a trunk. Ha-ha!

This is very generous

but why are you giving us
a check for $50,000?

Well, I don't know, it's just
my way of kinda thanking you

for letting me live in your
backyard all those years.

You know, and, uh

that, and just now
when I pulled in

I kinda ran over your barbeque.

[laughs]

Cody, this is so sweet of you,
but really, we can't accept.

It's just too much.

- Huh?
- Well, okay.

But seeing as how now my name
is Ste-e-eve

I have no more need
for worldly goods.

I guess, if you guys
don't want this check

I'll just have to burn it.

Don't.. Why you..
Don't, no, no, no.

Bad idea, bad idea.

Well, I think we should just

accept your generous $50,000..

...Ste-e-eve.

- Ste-e-eve.
- Ste-e-eve.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Frank.

- Ha-ha.
- I'm glad you're home.

You know, I've been thinking
about what to do

with that money
that Cody gave us.

See, I figure
that if we take part of it

and we pay off all our bills

and then if we invest
the rest of it

in a conservative mutual fund

well, we'll be able to have

a really comfortable retirement.

- Y-you want comfort.
- Mm-hmm.

How does this sound?

Seven days and seven nights
on the Loveboat.

[chuckles]

They supply the ocean,
I'll supply the motion.

Well, that's a lovely idea

but this money is the nest egg
we've always needed, you know?

And-and we really shouldn't
waste it on a sexy vacation.

Oh, okay, okay, honey,
this is not wasting it.

This is enjoyingit.

Frank, we have to plan
for when we get old.

Well, okay, I'm willing to put
aside a few thousand dollars

for dentures and support hose
and stuff like that

but I just think that we should
spend a little of it now.

[sighs]
Oh, Frank, you know,
obviously we don't agree

on what to do with the money,
so why don't we just

put it in the bank,
we won't touch it

and we'll just wait
until we both can agree, okay?

Well, okay, okay, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, the-the Loveboat thing
was way over the top

but what do you say
we go to Branson, Missouri?

We can see Jamie Farr
doing "Amadeus."

L-look, Alan Thicke
is in "Carousel."

Tony Danza in "My Fair Lady."
I wonder which part?

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Dude! Heh.

Either Rich Halke
and the Dana Burger

are playing some major
tonsil hockey

or I'm still hallucinating
from that spotted toad

I accidentally licked
in Argentina.

[chuckles]

Yeah, didn't you hear?
They're dating now.

Oh, congratulations, dudes.

Hey, thanks,
and I have never been happier.

- Did I say that right, honey?
- Mm-hmm, good boy.

Cody?

Oh, man, I heard you're back.

Hey, hey, hey.

Man, it's great to see ya.

It's great to see you too.

Man, I really missed you.
Ha-ha-ha!

Who are you?

Cody, it's me, Mark.

No way.

Hey, when I left you,
you were just like this

little conservative dude wearing
a sweater vest and glasses.

Now look at you,
you're...taller.

[chuckles]

[Cody]
Hey, uh..

Dude, you know it's really good
to see you're dating

and everything, but, uh..

don't you think that blonde
chick's a little young for you?

Cody, that's Lilly.

Get outta town.

Whoa! Hey, when I left, you were
just this little rug rat

dropping diaper potatoes
in your Huggies. Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, Lilly,
I'm your cousin Cody.

Oh, now I know who you are.
Dudesie, welcome back.

[laughs]

Come here.

Gotta love that.

[instrumental music]

[exhales]

- Hi, Frank.
- Oh, hi, honey.

- Frank?
- Yeah.

What is this?

Well, you know,
I was thinking that

half of the money
that Cody gave us is mine

so, I decided to spend
a small part of my share.

How much did this cost?

Oh, boy, isn't it
a beauty, honey?

It's a, it's a loungematic
recliner.

- How much?
- And look.

It's got remote control.

It's gotta m-magic fingers

gives you a full body
m-m-m, rub down.

- How much?
- Huh?

Well, it-it would've been
an awful lot more

if I had got the deluxe model
with the beer tap

in the arm rest,
but I said, "No, no.

Frank,
you have got to be practical."

- Frank.
- $4500!

$4500 for a stupid chair?

[gasps]
Don't call my chair stupid.

Fine, I won't call it anything.

Won't be around long enough,
we're sending it back.

Now wait a minute.

I have a say
in how that money is spent.

Part of it is mine and this
chair is not going back.

- Fine, keep it.
- Fine, I will.

Well, I hope you enjoy
the chair's magic fingers

better than mine because as
along as it stays in this house

you will be sleeping in it.

Yeah, yeah, well, fine.

[whirring]

[chuckles]

Oh, baby, if you can cook,
she's history.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Frank, look at these bills,
this has got to stop.

Because of your insane spending,
we're about to lose everything.

Oh, come on now, sugar, just
relax, we have our memories.

[chuckles]

'Frank, what are you doing?'

I'm lightin' my cigar.

You're lightin' your cigar
with a $20 bill?

I've no choice, Carol.

- All out of hundreds.
- Oh..

Yeah.

Oh. Ah, hoo.

Frank, you're blowing
your nose with money?

That's horrible.

Oh, well, then you are
gonna be real upset

about what I'm doing
up in the bathroom.

[chuckles]

[knock on door]

- Lambert residence?
- 'Yeah! Come on in.'

Sorry, Mr. Lambert, but I have
to repossess a few things.

Oh, yeah, what things?

Well, as a matter of fact,
everything.

Oh, well, like I say,
"Easy come, easy go."

Here's little somethin'
for your trouble.

Ah, what the heck,
take it all.

Buy yourselves something pretty.

- Frank.
- Huh?

Frank, I can't live like this.

I need stability, security.

I'm tired of having things
one minute

and the next minute,
they're carted off.

Oh, come on, honey.
Now just relax.

After all, they are just things,
say goodbye. Ha-ha-ha!

- Sign here, Frank.
- Okey-dokey.

Mommy, mommy!

Wait a minute, Frank, where're
they taking my daughter?

Oh, relax, Carol, the bank
is just repossessing Lilly.

- How could you let that happen?
- Well, I had no choice.

It was either the kid goes or
I lose my loungematic recliner.

Bye, mommy.

[Carol]
'You can't let that happen.'

Please, don't take my baby.
Please, don't take my baby.

Please, don't take my baby.
Please, don't take my baby.

Please, don't take my baby.

Please, don't take my baby.

Please, don't take my baby.

[breathing heavily]

Oh. Uh..

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

[sighs]

[groaning]

Ninety-five, ninety-six,
ninety-seven

ninety-eight, ninety-nine
one hundred thousand.

Take her away.

Frank, get out here,
you're late for your job

at the asbestos plant.

[grunting]

[coughing]

Oh. Oh, honey,
I'm sorry, I overslept.

I, I'm just plumb wore out
workin' that night job

at your toxic waste dump.

Cry me a river, Frank.

You wanna go back
to our original plan

harvesting your organs for cash?

Gee, honey, we already have

all the money in the world,
and instead of spendin' it

on the family and enjoyin' it,
y-y-you sell our house

and you make us sleep
in that crappy van.

Frank, money is to be saved,
not spent

which reminds me,
you are late on your loan.

Oh, oh, honey, Carol, please.

No-no, I-I-I only borrowed
that $100

to buy some food
for the young'uns.

Yeah, well, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes

I don't care what you waste
your money on.

Better pay me back
by six o'clock

or I'm takin' your other kidney.

[gasps]
Oh!

Please, mum, may I have
some more porridge?

Yeah.
Carol, we're powerful hungry.

Oh, stop complaining,
you know the rules.

You ate yesterday.

Well, that does it.

I am taking Lilly.

And we're gonna go get some food
and some clothes for her

and you can kiss that $100
of yours goodbye.

I'm sorry to hear that, Frank.
You leave me no choice.

- Guys!
- Oh, no, not the guys.

Lilly, take your organs
and run, run!

[Lilly screaming]

Oh, no.

Take his kidney, while you're in
there, take his other lung too.

- Bye, Frank.
- Oh, no. Oh, no, no.

No, no, d-don't take my organs.
Oh, please, don't, Carol.

No. No, Carol. No.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

[clamoring]

My God!

These women are like animals.

I don't get it.

I told you, dude.

With that necklace on, man

you're totally irresistible.

You're gonna bag more babes
than ol' Bill Clinton.

Look, man, I know about
the witch doctor

general's warning, okay?

But there's gotta be a way

for me to take this thing off

without bursting into flames.

Well, there is one way

but you gotta find a guy
who's even a bigger turn off

to babes than you are.

Well, J.T., looks like

you're gonna be
wearin' that thing forever.

Hello!

What about me?

If you look up "Pathetic"
in the dictionary

you see my picture.

He's got a point, Cody.
What do you think?

Well, I don't know,
it's worth a shot.

But anybody
who is highly flammable

might wanna step back.

Alright.

Easy, easy there.

- Oh..
- Oh..

Freeze! Okay, alright.

Okay. Alright, okay.

Now, down, down, down.

Oh, come on, easy.

[exhales]
Alright, cool, nobody blew up.

[laughs]

Mark, where you goin'?

To become a man.

[clamoring]

Poor little dude
never had a chance.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Uncle Frank,
how's it goin', man?

Uh, not so good.

Carol and I had a little
brouhaha last night.

Tch, yeah,
I know what you mean.

That German food is intense.
Huh!

Yeah, I had some brouhaha
in Bremerhof

and once spent the next few days

calling Ralph
on the big, white boat.

No, Cody.

Carol and I had a fight

about that money you gave us.

I...bought this chair without
discussing it with her first

and she flipped out.

Oh, well, I wouldn't worry
about it, Uncle Frank.

Oh, Carol's always been
the forgiving type.

Morning, Frank.

Hope you slept well
in that chair of yours

that costs almost as much as
a year's worth of groceries.

Oh, gee, honey, do you hear
the birds are singing about you?

Cheap, cheap-cheap. Cheap

Oh, man.

You guys are fighting
because of that gift I gave you.

I thought it would
make you guys happy.

Oh, this is terrible.

I'm gonna go outside
and shake my happy stick.

I beg your pardon?

My African happy stick.

I got it in Zimbabwe.

Legends has it that
two shakes of the stick

can end any fight.

Well, then..

...go shake your stick.

Yeah.

I'm gonna do it.

'Cause you know what?

I don't want you guys
to break up.

[instrumental music]

Oh, God.

Cody thinks we're breaking up.

I hate this, Frank.

It's not like us
to fight over money.

Never had any money
to fight over before.

Look, Carol, I'm sorry that
I went out and bought this chair

without talking to you
about it, but..

...I don't think it's wrong that
we spend some of the money now.

I don't either.

Then what are we fightin' about?

I don't know.

I guess I just thought,
if you spend a little

you'd spin outta control,
and then you'd spend everything.

Honey, when have I ever been
outta control..

[stammering]
...about money?

Well, it happens, Frank

believe me, I've seen it.

You know, people
get a little money

and they just go crazy.

Carol, what are you
talking about?

I'm talking about my father.

I know all about your dad.

He was a crazy, wild guy

who picked up the tab
a few too many times, so what?

Yeah, well, he did a lot more
than that, Frank.

He blew through
every dime we had.

- You never told me that.
- Yeah.

Well, I never told you
'cause I'm ashamed.

We were always one step
ahead of the bill collector.

In fact,
when I was a little girl

I used to be afraid
to answer the door

'cause I was
always afraid that

somebody's gonna
repossess something

or worse, evict us.

Gee, honey, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, I made a promise
to myself back then

that I was never gonna let that
happen to me or to my kids.

Carol, I would never
let that happen either.

I guess I should've known that.

I'll tell you what.

First thing tomorrow morning

that chair is going back
to the store.

No, I don't want you
to take it back.

You know, you work so hard

and...you're such a good guy.

You're entitled
to one expensive toy.

- You mean it?
- Yeah.

[chuckles]
Oh..

Thank you, honey.

But I tell you,
the rest of that money

is goin' in the bank,
every penny of it.

Not every penny, okay?

I mean, what the heck!

Jamie Farr, here we come.

Just pull, this goes back
and then you just turn it on.

- Whoo!
- Ha-ha-ha!

[chanting in foreign language]

Hey! Well, this African
happy stick is totally cool.

I only got out one Abu Dhabi

and they're already halfway

to the middle age mambo.

[laughing]

Whoo!

Well, Cody, looks like
you're all packed, huh?

Yep, sorry, you have to go soon,
Code. See you later.

[chuckles]

Dana Burger.

If I didn't know any better

I'd think you're tryin'
to get rid of me.

Easy there, Codeman.

So, uh, what's next
on your travel agenda?

Oh, sacred holy pilgrimage

that millions of spiritually
hungry have made before me.

- You're going to Mecca?
- Nope.

Six Flags Magic Mountain.
Heh-heh.

I've never been
on Superman the Ride.

Cody, you said that mud
would make me

look like an Amazon queen.

Look at my face.

I look like Gumby's girlfriend.

[chuckles]
It totally worked.

What do you mean it worked?

My face is green.

Tch, yeah, well..

...to the warriors of the Amazon

green women
are like a total turn on.

Right now, you'd be worth like
six wild boars

and an Albino yak.

[screaming]

I love making people happy.
Ha-ha!

Come here, Dana Burger.

[laughs]