Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 3 - Sex, Lies and Videotape - full transcript

Welcome to
Alice in Wonderland's
royal tea party.

Here's your cup of tea.

Thank you.

You may drink, fool.

Frank,
I need you to sign
something for school.

Mark, thank God.

Well, I mean,
I'm sorry, Your Majesty,

but I think the royal
tea party is over.

That's okay.
I was bored with you anyway.

All right, Mark,
what do you got?

Just need the old
John Hancock on this,



and I'll be on my way.

I'm, kind of in a hurry.
Here you go.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to see
what I'm signing.

What do I look like,
a fool?

It's just your basic
permission slip

for a school function
gym type thing.

It's no biggie.
Just, sign it.

Here. See?

Yeah, just wait.
Give me that.

"Dear ticket guy
at Cinerama Five.

"I give permission
for Mark Foster

"to see the movie Showgirls.

"I'm aware that this movie
contains full-frontal nudity

"and explicit
sexual encounters.



"However, I feel that this
is an important film
for Mark to see."

How about I buy you
a beer too?

That'd be great.

Here. Drink, fool.

You,
you want some melon?

I sure do.

Dana, would you like
some French toast,

or would you like me
to put it in Rich's mouth

so he can feed you
like a baby bird?

Dana, I have never seen you
like this before.

Yeah, well, I have
that effect on women.

Spend a few weeks with me

and shave 30 points
off their IQ.

What can I say?

Sometimes it's nice
to swim in the shallow end
of the pool.

Morning. Gotta go.
See you later.

JT, where are you going
all dressed up like that?

Church.

I like to go mid-week.

Less crowded.

-Bye.
- Freeze!

You're not going
until I say you can.

I bet Rich knows
something about this.

Dana, find out.

He's dating
a 29-year-old woman.

She's from France.

Rich, man, shut up.

Wow.

It's like she
sucked the information
right out of his head.

A 29-year-old woman?

I don't like
the sound of this.

Mom's right, JT.

An older woman
could expose you to things

you're not
ready to handle.

God, I hope so.

Carol. Thank you.

Thank you for inviting me
to the breakfast.

Hello, little
"Melrose Place" people.

JT?

La, la, you look
super-extra fantastic.

Ami,
with these clothes,

you will attract more women
than Brad Pitt in a Speedo.

Thanks a lot,
Jean-Luc.

What did I say?

JT gots himself
an older woman.

What would you say,
Jean-Luc,

if your
19-year-old step son

was dating a 29-year-old
French woman?

I would say, "You the man."

Yeah!

You hear that, Carol?
I'm the man.

Vive la France.Yeah!

What about
The Terminator?

Seen it.

Grumpy Old Men?

Lame.

Sleepless in Seattle.

That's a chick flick.

You know, this is all
your dad's fault.

I can't believe he wouldn't
let you see Showgirls.

Look who's talking.

You still take
Flintstonevitamins.

Shut up, man.

-No, you shut up.
-You wanna tell me to shut up?

- Please...
- Guys. Guys.

Over here.

Act natural.

I got something
you're gonna wanna see.

The Little Mermaid?

Man, if we were gonna
go animated,

we should have
gotten Pocahontas.

At least
she's got cleavage.

Check this out.

The Naughty Nurses?

It even says it
right here on the video.

"They make their patients
sick with passion."

Man, we can't rent
this kind of movie.

We can if it's inside
the Little Mermaidbox

and nobody knows about it.

But if we get caught,

our parents
will kill us.

Yeah, but we'll
sure die real happy.

You're right.
Let's do it.

Act natural.

- JT.
- Michelle.

I'm so happy, JT.

And so lucky
to have found someone

who is so smart
and so funny.

And so handsome.

Okay, this is my stop.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Hello.

I'm Dana.

Um, this book is called Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

Read it.

-Thanks, Barky.
-Any time.

It's time
for her flea bath.

So what
do you wanna do?

You wanna
get something to eat?

Something to drink?
Or maybe you want to--

Make out with me
on my couch?

I had such
a wonderful time tonight, JT.

I just wish this night
could go on for ever and ever.

Well, I'd invite you
up to my room,

but I'm not allowed
to have girls up there.

If only we could
be together all the time.

And spend the whole night

with our arms
wrapped around each other.

Yeah, that would be great.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

God, I hope so.

-Then let's do it.
-Let's do it?

Let's get married.

Married?

Well, we've seen each other
practically every day

for the past three weeks.

We have everything in common.

We like the same movies,
the same music.

The same food.

We're perfect
for each other.

Well, yeah, we really
are great together, you know?

But marriage,
it's such a big decision.

It's a serious commitment.

It's not something
you just jump into.

How far is Vegas?

Come on, guys.
Hurry up.

Going as fast
as we can.

We gotta block this door.

There.

Now no one can get in.

Okay, are we ready
to roll it?

Yeah, let's go.

Well, guys, we've
smoked cigars together,

burned down my dad's
tool shed together,

and tonight,
naked girls.

Gentlemen,
the nurse will see you now.

Welcome
to Morning Wood Hospital.

A hospital like no other.

Nurse Honeywell,
that uniform you're wearing

is against hospital policy.

You'll have
to take it off.

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Nothing.
Nothing at all.

-Nothing. No. None.
-No, nothing. No, nothing.

Then, what's the TV
doing here in the garage?

We were just watching
The Little Mermaid.

See? It says
right here on the box.

"The Little Mermaid.

"Wholesome,
family entertainment."

Wholesome.

Let me see it.

Come on. Come on.
Let me see it.

The Little Mermaid.

The Naughty Nurses.

Some jerk
at the video store

must have put
the wrong tape in the box.

Don't they know that
we're impressionable?

I know I am. Ha!

We better go down
to the video store

and return this
immediately.

I'll tell you what, Roland.

I'll return the tape.

You and Max run on home

and tell your folks they can
expect a call from me.

Man, puberty is hell.

My dad's gonna ground me
until I'm 40.

Well, Dad,

this must be
a real proud day for you.

One son is getting
married to the first
girl who kissed him,

and the other
is watching pornos
in the garage.

You know what I'm not
in the mood for right now, Al?

-Me?
-Bingo.

Mark.

I know that you're curious

about women and sex
and things like that,

but I don't think that
watching The Naughty Nurses

is the right way
to learn about 'em.

Could you,
suggest another film, then?

Mark!

It's not something
that you can
learn about in a movie.

It's personal,
and it's intimate.

It's about a loving,
caring relationship
between two people.

But I don't have
a relationship.

I can't even
get a date to the movies.

How am I supposed
to learn about this stuff?

You can ask me.

Right now?

Sure. Sure, come on.
Sit down. Sit down.

Just ask me any old thing
you want to.

-Just fire away.
-Okay.

Will, I ever stop
thinking about naked women?

Nope.

Next question.

Frank, JT
is 19 years old.

We can't let him
get married.

Carol, this whole
marriage thing

will be over as quickly
as it started.

How do you know?

Because we're talking
about JT here, honey,

and he's got
the attention span of a gnat.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking
a 29-year-old woman

might hold his interest.

I'll tell you what.

When they set
the wedding day,
then I'll be worried.

Yeah?
Well, what if
they get married

and she gets pregnant
and they have twins

and he has to quit school

'cause they don't have
any money, and he can't
get a good job,

and his whole life is ruined

and they end up living
in a box on the street?

Did you ever
think of that?

Carol,
that's kinda rough.

Sorry, Marge.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

And bonjour.

Yeah, bonjourmy butt.

Thanks to your encouragement,

JT's gonna marry that
little French-fried tramp.

- My encouragement?
- Like you don't know.

"But, of course.
You the man."

Blah, blah.

Yeah, well, listen,
I tried to tell her

that this whole thing
was gonna blow over,

but she just
won't listen to me.

Look, Carol, you know,
Frank is right.

There's nothing
to worry about.

Forget your troubles.
Come on.

Get happy.

I mean, JT is probably
just saying he's
going to get married

so he won't feel so guilty
about having mad, passionate--

That's it.
He's grounded.

Let's see him
try to have sex while
he's locked in his room!

-Carol, stop!
-What?

I need my scalp.

I'll tell you what, honey.

Why don't you and I
take a little walk,

and then
you can cool down

and someone else can
take care of Marge's hair.

- Bless you, Frank.
- No problem, Marge.

Laurie, will you finish
shampooing Marge's hair?

I've got a two o'clock.

And use my number-two
scalp soother

for wind damage,
sun damage,

and damage
from a crazy blonde.

Bonjour.
I am Jean-Luc.

Bonjour. Michelle.

-You're from France?
-Oui.

I'm from a little town
called Upie.

-No.
-Oui.

My uncle Soopy
is from Upie.

So how long
have you been here?

Only six months.

But my visa's
about to expire.

Well.

So you have to go.

No, not necessarily.

I have been very lucky
and found an American

who wants to marry me.

Tres bien.

So wonderful
that you have found
the true love so quickly.

Well, I wouldn't exactly
call it true love,

but my fiancéis only 19,
and he thinks he loves me.

-He's 19?
-Oui.

And he has this corny
American name, JT.

Anyway,
I've convinced him
to marry me.

Now I just have to get him
to do it by Wednesday

before my visa expires.

So you are basically
using this boy.

A man of the world.
I knew you would understand.

Oui.

Have I mentioned that very,
very short is in this season?

Hello? Hello? JT?

Hey, Jean-Luc.
What's happening?

Did you hear the good news?
I'm getting married.

Yeah, well,
we gotta talk about that.

JT,

I have to
tell you something.

I have to tell you something,
so here I go.

JT, you ever
say to yourself,

"I'm 19 years old,

"not terribly bright,

"I have no
marketable skills,

"and the closest I've ever
come to a sexual experience

"was when
my sister's guinea pig
crawled up my pant leg,

"so, why...

"Why would a beautiful,
29-year-old French woman

want to marry me?"

Nope, I never
asked myself that question.

Well, the thing is, JT,

that, your fiancée
came into the salon today,

and,
she said to me

she's,
she's only marrying you

to stay in the country.

Get out of here.

I'm so sorry,
but it is true.

Carol put you up to this,
didn't she?

No. I'm telling you
because I'm your friend.

This woman,
she don't care about you.

She just need to get
married by Wednesday,

otherwise, Uncle Sam

will drop-kick
her hiney back to Upie.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Michelle loves me.

She said she wants to spend
the rest of her life with me.

Look, if you and Carol
can't handle it,

that's your problem.

Me and Michelle
are going to the movies.

You can just
let yourself out.

Married by Wednesday.

Somebody's been inhaling
too much hair spray.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Nice beret.

I'm having
a bad hair day.

So you ready to roll?

Oui.

But first I want to talk
about the wedding.

Okay.

I think we should
set a date.

All right, well,
I hear that June's
a good time to get married.

June is nice,

but I was thinking of
something a little sooner.

Really? Like when?

Like Tuesday.

Tuesday?
That's not enough time.

We still gotta
make arrangements

and send out invitations,

and I still gotta save up
money to buy you a ring.

Okay.

Wednesday, but no later.

Why are you in such a rush?

Because I am.

And I thought
you would be excited

about doing this too?

So are we getting married
Wednesday, or not?

Bonjour,Michelle.

What are you doing here?

JT's mother
is my business partner.

Now I know why
you were in such a rush.

I'm sorry.

How could you
do this to me?

I know what I did
wasn't right, but,

I guess I was just desperate
to stay in the country.

I think you should go.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

JT, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

It's not your fault,
Jean-Luc.

Man, you were right.

I was such a jerk!

It was ridiculous
for me to ever think

that a beautiful woman would
ever wanna go out with me.

That is such a pile
of chardonnay.

Listen,
you may not be right

for a 29-year-old
whatever she is,

but, for someone
your own age, come on.

You're wonderful.
You're funny,
you're generous.

If it weren't
for this haircut,

you would
be good-looking.

Is this your way
of cheering me up?

I know how you're feeling.

I've had my heart
broken too, okay?

The only way you're
going to feel better

is to get your mind
completely off her.

Now, come on.
We go somewhere.

We go for a walk.

Maybe we go to TGI Fridays

and pick up some
big-bosom secretaries.

Come on.

No, thanks, Jean-Luc.
I'm not really in the mood
for that tonight.

Okay, maybe we just watch
some TV or a video.

What have we got here?
The Little Mermaid.

Okay.

This will put a smile
on your face

and a wiggle in your walk.

That should conclude
the examination.

You can get dressed now,
Nurse Honeywell.

Right away, Doctor.

This is,
The Little Mermaid?

I don't remember her tail
looking like that.

Hey, Nick.
Here you go.

Okay, returning
The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, well,
actually, it's...

Frank, Naughty Nurses?

Yeah, well, you see,
my kid snuck it out of here.

- I'm just bringing it back.
- Sure, Frank.
Sure. Sure.

Look, you interested
in Naughty Nurses 2?

No, I didn't rent this,

so I'm not interested
in the other one.

- Hi, Frank.
Returning a video?
- No.

Yeah. Yeah.
It's Naughty Nurses.

Frank, you rascal.

Marge, you don't understand.

Yes, I do.

Hey, Ed, bring out
Naughty Nurses 2for
Frank Lambert, will ya?

No, no, no.

You'll love that,
Mr. Lambert.

It's in 3-D Hootervision.

No, no, no, no nurses,
no hooters.

I'm just gonna
go home now, okay?

Hootervision?

Do you need
special glasses for it?