Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 17 - Macho Man - full transcript

Bye, guys.

Catch you later.
Don't wait up.

Isn't Karen with you?

No.

I'm going miniature golfing
and Karen is at the library.

It's Saturday night
and Karen's at the library?

Bet you she's checking out
something other than books.

Frank, now,
that isn't fair.

Maybe,
Karen's maturing.

You know,
finding interests
other than boys.

This could be
a real turning point.



Mom, I have
a major emergency.

I met three guys
at the library,

and I can't decide
which one to go out with.

So much for
major turning points.

Which one would
you choose, Mom,
Ted, Tom, or Tim?

Well, Karen, I haven't
even met these boys.

No problem.
They're right outside.

Boys, come on in.

Mom, Frank,
meet Ted, Tom, and Tim.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

and, boy,
they were right.

Um, guys, why don't
you go in the kitchen



and get something to drink?
And I'll be with you

in a minute.
Okay.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye.

Bye, bye,
and bye.

I think you can
see my dilemma.

How am I supposed to decide
which guy is right for me?

What you need to do,
Karen, is, you know,

spend some time
with each guy,

and find out
who you're
most compatible with

based on
their personality,
their interests,

and how they
treat you
as a person.

Yeah, that is
very good advice.

But I wanna keep
all three of them.

Sam! Sam! Sam!

Quit it, quit it.
Hey, guys, what's going on?

Dad, you should've seen it.
Sam is the queen
of miniature golf.

She scored
five holes-in-one.I was in the zone.

And it was not
just miniature golf.

She kicked butt
at Skee-Ball, video games.

This woman
is incredible.

She's smart,
she's good at her job.

Well, except for the fact
that she's dating J.T.,
she's my hero.

Yeah, Dad, I mean,
you should've seen her
at the batting cage.

She was incredible.
I mean,

Well, so how'd
you do, Son?

Well, I-- I made
solid contact.

Yeah, he got hit
in the head with the ball.

Yeah, but it was
a solid hit.

Well, I'm glad to see
that all those years in
Little League paid off.

Now, J.T.,
Sam, no offense,

but, man, how can you
be laughing at the fact

that your girlfriend
showed you up at
the batting cage?

Come on, man.
She didn't show me up.

Not a big deal?
Man, you were
letting down the team.

The team.
The guy team.

You know,
the sports-loving,

hairy-chested,
pants-wearing,
spitting-for-distance,

we're-better-
than-they-are team.

Really?

nacho-belching,
armpit-music-playing,

watch-me-light-this team.

Can somebody
help me with this?
I can't open this bottle.

Sure, Carol,
I'll help you.

in our manhood that
we don't feel threatened

if a woman is better
than us at something.

God, this thing is stuck.

Here, let me.

Okay, let me see you.

Very chic.

Now, let me see
your very best
Linda Evangelista face.

Hey, guys.
Mail's here.

Boy!
Anything for me?

Um, yeah, here.

I don't know.
I can't read.

Well, let's see here.
It's from your doctor.

Says that you need
a tetanus booster shot.

Man, those things hurt.

A shot?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Excellent bedside manner,
Dr. Kevorkian.

Lilly. Lilly!

Well, I do not know
where Lilly is...

but she should not be
so afraid of a silly shot.

I mean, shots keep
little girls healthy
so they do not get sick.

Yeah, but they stick
a big needle in your butt.

That's funny,
I can hear her,
but I cannot see her.

So I will have to go outside
wearing this very coat.

There you are!

overhearing
my private musings?

Okay, now listen.

They do not
give you this shot
in the petite buttocks.

They give you this shot
in the petitearm.

And then afterwards,
the doctor give you
a nice big lollipop.

I'm not going.

Okay, I know
you're scared,
but listen, okay?

Uncle Jean-Luc
is going to help you
through this.

I'm going to go
with you and your mama,

and I'm going
to hold your hand
the entire time. Now...

Do we have a deal?

Okay, but if
this shot hurts,

I'm gonna have G.I. Joe
sock you in the eye.

How very charming.

All right,
don't worry, buddy.

She can't keep this up
the whole game.

Six in the corner pocket.

That's 14.

Three in the side pocket.

Yes! Victory for Sam!
Victory for all women!

Girls rule. Boys suck.
Girls rule. Boys suck.

Girls rule.
Boys suck.

Thanks for the game.
Sure.

Hey, J.T.,
you wanna go,
get some nachos?

No, thanks, man,
I'm not hungry.Yeah, you are.

Come on over here.
Excuse us, really hungry.

You disgust me.

What, man?
She's a good pool player.

Look, yesterday she beat you
in the batting cages
and at golf.

And today it's ping-pong
and now pool?

How long do you think a chick
is going to stay with a guy

who's not as tough
as she is?

I don't know.
Let's ask Dana.

That's just clever.
Okay, look.

You're an embarrassment
to our gender.

You wanna keep Sam,
you gotta make a showing.

What are you talking
about, man? Everything's
fine between me and Sam.

Yeah, well, now.
But, I mean,

if she keeps beating you
at stuff, sooner or later,

she's gonna lose
respect for you,
and eventually, dump you.

You really think so?
I really know so.

I mean, if you
don't wanna lose Sam,

you gotta pick something that
you can at least beat her at.

Maybe you're right, man.

Macho Man says
you are a Terminator.

Macho Meter.

Hey, Sam,
over here.

Let's, let's try
the Macho Meter?

There's no way
she's stronger than me.

I'm a guy.

You just keep
telling yourself that.Yeah.

Hey, she's with me.

Come on, Sam,
I challenge you.

This
should be good.

Look, J.T., I'm not
into that whole
competitive thing.

No, really, come on.
It'll be fun.

Ready or not.

You are a Powerhouse.

Wow, I didn't think
I'd do that good.

I guess it's 'cause
I've been working out.

Well, you know,
J.T.'s been
working out, too.

You know,
open the refrigerator,
close the refrigerator.

Go mark
your territory, Barky.

Step aside.

There's a man
in the house.

The man in the house.
Man in the house.

Man in the house!
Yeah!

Are you warm?
Are you loose?

Are you loose, boy?
He is rock solid.

Terminator.
All right.

Looking for Terminator.

Well, I,
didn't get a good grip.

It must have been those
greasy nachos I was eating.

Let me try it again.
Lookie what you are.

A wimp, wimp, wimp.

Hey, man, back off.

What are you doing
with this guy?

A babe like you,
you need a real man.

Hey.

I already told you,
man, back off.

Who's gonna make me?
Me.

Yeah, right.
Go ahead, wimp boy.

Make me back off.
Man, grow up.

Nobody's looking
for trouble.I am.

Are you okay?

Of course, I am.
I've got you
to protect me.

Liar.

Hey, Lilly,
don't be afraid.

You know, all little girls
your age get vaccinations.

It's not so bad.

Perhaps I can be
of some assistance?

Lilly, I have a friend
who got this shot last week,

and he wants to
tell you about it.

Would you like
to meet him?

Yeah?

Say hello to
Mr. Sock-rebleu.

Hello, Lilly.

I have a secret
about getting shots.

You want to hear it?
Yeah.

Boy, you're excited.
Okay.

that when they start
to give you the shot,

you just think of
something wonderful.

I like to think of
the model on page 16

of the Victoria's Secretcatalog.

I've named her Kim.

Okay, well, honey,
you think of Barney.

Barney,
I love Barney!

And I love Kim.

Hello.
Hello.

Hello.

And, which of you
is Lilly?

Nice try.

Dr. Martinez, this is
our friend Jean-Luc.

Pleasure.
Enchante.

Here.

That's quite
a nasty cut you have there.

Yeah, a little
kitchen accident.

That's what I get
for eating canned pate.

you'll need
a tetanus shot.

A shot?

Yes.

With a--
with a needle?

Yes.

I would think that
you were afraid of
having a shot.

Afraid?

I am
Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux.

I laugh at fear.

Lilly...

Yippie!
Yippie!

Listen to me,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

I ain't getting
no stinking shot.

Don't be ridiculous,
Jean-Luc.

You cut your hand,
you gotta have
a tetanus shot.

Really?
Yes.

Tetanus can lead
to breathing problems,

heart trouble,
even death.

I can live with that.

Bye-bye.

Look, Jean-Luc,
I got a great big lollipop.

That's wonderful,
darling.

Okay, bye-bye.
Jean-Luc.

You can't go, Jean-Luc.

Yes, I did say that,
didn't I?

And guess what else.

Jean-Luc is gonna get
a shot just like you.

Goodie!
He can show me
how to be brave.

Yes, I-- I'll do that.
I'll show you
how to be brave.

How-how exactly, yes.

We'll be brave.
Okay, Lilly.

I know that you're
a very brave girl.

Barney.
Barney.

Barney.
Kim. Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim.
Barney.

All done.
Really? That didn't even hurt.

You know,
I hardly felt it myself.

Well, that's 'cause you
haven't gotten yours yet.

Barney.
Barney. Barney.

Don't be afraid,
Jean-Luc.

I'll sing you a song.

That was fun.

Feel better now?

Yes, I do feel better now.
Thank you.

It's done.
I already gave it to you.

And mommy is
so proud of you.

You are such
a brave boy.

And this is for you.

Thank you, my baby.

Look, you're
an embarrassment
to our gender.

A babe like you
needs a real man.

Wimp, wimp, wimp.

It's so great that J.T.
and Sam are getting married.

Wait until you see
the wedding gown.

It is the most
beautiful thing
I have ever seen.

Do you think maybe,
someday the four
of us can get married?

I do.
I do.

I do.

Hey, Karen,
how about sharing?

No way.
Find your own triplets.

I never get to
have any fun.

So, J.T. and Sam
are getting married.

I guess you know
what that means.

Well, I sure do.

So they need to find
a tax-sheltered investment

such as municipal bonds
or an oil depletion allowance.

Man, it's no wonder
you don't have a woman.

You are the most
beautiful bride
I have ever seen.

Thanks, Daddy.

He is so beautiful.

Now, you be gentle
with my baby.

Dearly beloved,
by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you
man and wimp.

You may kiss the bride.

Give me some sugar!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you

Mr. and Mrs.
Samantha Milano.

Hey, congratulations.

J.T., I brought you
a little something for
your wedding night.

'Cause your first night
should be very special.

I hope it's your size.

No!

No. No!

No.

Hi.
Hi.

Man, I just had
a horrible dream
we got married.

Thanks a lot.

I was the bride
and you were the groom.

J.T., are you still upset
because of all that stuff
that happened yesterday?

I told you,
it's no big deal.

I know, but I just can't
stop thinking about it.

I mean, you've been winning
at everything we do.

So what?

So... Why are
you with me?

You deserve a real man.

I've got you.

My last boyfriend
was such a macho jerk,

I had to lose on purpose
just so he wouldn't get upset.

But with you,
it's different.

Really?
Yeah.

Like the other day
at the batting cage.

It was nice getting
all those hits,

but when I saw how
proud you were of me,
it made my day.

There's no way
my last boyfriend
would let me be myself

without feeling threatened.

to handle a woman
like you.

Well, it's a good thing
I'm not dating "some guys."

I'm dating you.

Wanna arm wrestle?
Don't start.

Please, I wanna
take you to the prom.

No way.
She's going with me.

Hey, I saw her first.

Boys, boys, please, please.

This can never be.
I'm a married woman.

And besides, I'm old enough
to be your older sister.

But we love you.

Yes, you're a goddess.

Gosh.

I don't wanna hurt
anyone's feelings,

but I have all the man
I can handle.

I just had this feeling
you needed me.

Frank.

that's romantic
yet appropriate

for young children during
the family viewing hour.

Here you go, boys.

Go build yourself a toy.

Frank!

Eat your heart out, boys.