Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 6, Episode 15 - Show Me the Money - full transcript

You, my lucky friends,

12are the first people
to experience

my bold, new
fashion statement.

Tell me, and don't be shy.

What do you think?

I think you look
like Barbara Eden in
I Dream of Jeannie.

And you look like Chrissy
from Three's Company,

but I never
throw that in your face.

I call this look
"Sinbad as I wanna be."

I'd call it
a big orange diaper.

Quite a shot coming
from Orville Redenbacher.



-You the man, Frankie.
-No, no, no, Moosie.

-You the man.
-Yeah!

Well, you guys
are in a good mood.

I take it you won
the bowling tournament?

Yeah, honey,
for the second
straight year,

the crew from
Lambert Construction

is the All-City
Bowling League Champion.

Great.

This is super-extra fantastic.

- Congratulations, Frank.
- Gee.

And congratulations
to you, too.

Hey.

Don't go there, bro.

This is Jean-Luc.



Jean-Luc is Carol's
new business partner.

Jean-Luc is a hairdresser.

Yeah, like I couldn't
have guessed that.

Tell me, Moose,
are you named after

the sticky foam
that goes in your hair,

or the big smelly animal
with woodchips stuck
to its buttocks?

No, Moose.

Look, cheese, cheese, Moose.

-Cheese.
-Take some cheese.

Okay.

Well, honey,
it's so great,

'cause they took our picture,
they're gonna put it in paper

and it's gonna be
great free advertising
for Lambert Construction.

Jean-Luc, maybe the salon
should enter a team

in the bowling tournament.

A bunch of
hairdressers bowling?

I don't think so.

And what is that supposed
to mean, you reject
from Deliverance?

- You son of--
- Moose, Moose, bread,
Moose, take some bread.

Now, have some bread.
That's good. Take some bread.

Listen, you guys, no offense,

but we just
don't feel that
bowling is a sport

for the,
shampoo-and-blow-dry crowd.

I see.

So you think bowling
is just for
the beer-and-butt-crack crowd?

Exactly.

Well, I'll tell you what,

how 'bout a little
tournament?

Hairdressers versus
construction workers.

Is this a formal challenge?

No.

This is a formal challenge.

-That's it!
-No, Moose! No, no, no!
Moose, don't do it!

No, Moose!
Moose, leave him alone.
Leave him alone.

Rich, babe,
where are you, man?

The client's gonna
be here any minute.

I'm right here, babe.

-I am on it.
-All right.

Good work.
I love your work, babe.

Love you. Let's do lunch.

Ciao.

What are you two
bottom-feeders doing?

We're sports agents.

We represent Eric Barnes,

the captain of
the East Wis U
hockey team.

When he signs
his pro contract next year
for 10 million bucks,

we're gonna get 10%

10%.

Tell her how much
that is, Rich.

10% of 10 million dollars,

well, that's...

Carry the six...

That's a lot of money.

Rich, um, when you walk,

do you notice
a rattling sound
in your head?

Yeah, what is that?

Nah, if it's in your head,
it's probably nothing.

Good.

There's our bonus, baby, now.

Eric, you stud!

You viking!
You hockey Hercules!

We worship you!

-Are you sucking up, Halke?
-Like a vacuum cleaner.

Good. I like that in an agent.

Hey, man, we're here for you.

- Just like Jerry Maguire.
- Yeah, man.

I love that movie.
"Show me the money!"

Come on, say it, JT.

"Show me the money!"

"Show me the money!"

That's great, guys.

You know the first thing
I want you to do for me?

Show you the money?

Nope. Show me a sandwich.

You want us
to make you a sandwich?

Guys, if you're
gonna be my agents,

you gotta learn
to make me happy.

Because when I sign that
big money pro contract,

your 10% is going to
make you guys very, very rich.

So, what do you say?

-I say, show me the lunchmeat!
-Yes!

I love the lunchmeat!

Show me the baloney!

I knew you guys
would make great agents.

And after that sandwich, I got
a few other jobs for you.

First, I want you to type
my history paper.

Done.

Then I want you
to wash my car.

And wax it, too.

Do my laundry.

I love your laundry.

Show me your shorts!

Don't answer it.
That's for me.

I'll get it
in the living room.

And get me a date
with that girl.

You want me to fix you up
with my step-sister?

Yeah.

Show me the step-sister!

Do you want it toasted?

Well, I guess we should
flip a coin to see
who bowls first?

I think that's
all right, Carol.

Hairdressers first.

So, would you like
to make a little wager?

Well, all right,
I'll tell you what.

-If we win--
-No, no, when we win.

You're right. You're right.

When we win, you have to be

our poker night slaves
for a month, okay?

You have to make
the beer and pizza runs,
light our cigars,

empty the ashtrays,
the whole thing?

Fine.

- If we win--
No, no, when we win.

Right.

When we win,

you guys are gonna
have to stand

in the middle of
this bowling alley
next Saturday night

wearing tutus, singing
Hail to the Hairdressers.

Yeah, okay.

Hail to the Hairdressers?

What kind of
girly-man song is that?

You'll be
finding out soon enough.

Now, stand aside,
you evolutionary dead end,

and watch real kegler do it.

For God sakes, man,
this is America.

Why don't you learn
the language?

- Why don't you get
some mouthwash?
- That's it.

Moose, I got peanuts.
Moose, I got peanuts.

Peanuts?

Vive la France.

Hang that on
your macho tool belt, Frank.

Yeah, okay, beginner's luck.

Stand aside and watch

Frankie
"The Howitzer" Lambert.

Okay, Carol, come on. Come on.

Show these gauchegorillas
how it's done.

Just fire it
right down the middle.

Okay. You got it.

Carol, that ball spent
more time in the gutter
than my old man.

Sorry, Jean-Luc,
I guess I'm not very good.

No, no, don't you
worry about it.

I know how
to make you do this good.

Look, the secret to being
a wonderful bowler

is to picture
that the middle pin

is someone who
really ticks you off,

and then to just
mow that sucker down.

Yeah, Carol, honey.

You may not be aware of this,

but the object to the game
is to knock down
some of the pins.

I think I know
whose face to picture.

Hey, Carol,
you may not
be aware of this,

but the object to the game
is to knock down
some of the pins.

Eat this, Frank.

Well, I finally finished.

I have sterilized
all of Eric's mouth guards.

Don't lose hope, bud,
we're paying our dues.

It's only a matter of time
before we're rolling in dough.

And I was MVP
of that game, too.

Anyway, Karen,
what I was trying to say is,

your eyes sparkle like
fresh Zambonied ice.

That is so poetic.

Hey, you crazy kids!

How was your little
night on the town there?

- We had a great time,
didn't we?-

Karen, would you like
to go out again on Monday?

- I'd love to.
- Perfect.

-You guys bake those brownies?
-Yes, sir.

Double fudge in the kitchen.

I love having agents.

Karen, thanks for agreeing
to go out with Eric.

-We owe you big time.
-No, I owe you big time.

Eric is so sweet
for a hockey player.

I can't wait to
go upstairs and ask Al
which sport hockey is.

Man, do we have
the Midas touch or what?

Hey, guys, I spilled.

He spilled!

What'd you spill? Eric! Eric!
Eric, are you okay?

Where's the spill?

So, Eric, it sounds like
you a great date with Karen.

Yeah, I had a real good time.

Hey, guys, listen.

I want you to get me
a date with Julie Fleming.

Julie Fleming?

But I thought
you were dating Karen.

I am.

Karen's gonna be
my Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday girl.

That leaves
Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and Saturdays for Julie.

But Karen's
my step-sister, man.

I'm not sure
I could do this to her.

Guys.

I'm a future pro superstar.

If you want me
to show you the money,

you got to show me the honey.

Remember that.

Well, bud, we're kind of
at a moral crossroads here.

We can either
sell Karen down the river

for 10% of 10 million dollars,

or could take the high road
and do what's
decent and right.

JT, I just figured out

what 10% of
10 million dollars is.

It's 2.7 million dollars.

2.7 million dollars?

Show me Julie Fleming!

We forgot to dial.

Time to rock and roll.

Yes!

The score is
tied now, Frankie.

Okay, Carol, looks like it
comes down to you and me.

You the man, Frankie!

Thank you, Moose.

Easy pick up, Frank.

Come on, now,
I got confidence in you.

You the man.

You can do it.

You the king!

You suck!

-Okay, Moose.
-Yeah.

They need to get
at least ten pins to win.

No problem.

- - The old
seven-ten splitter.

I hate to say it,
but you guys are toast.

It looks like you two
are gonna be serving
nachos and margaritas

at our poker night.

Not so fast,
you white trash
woolly mammoth.

She can still win it
if she makes this shot.

Yeah, okay,
I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what, Jean-Luc.

If she does make this shot,

Moose and I will not only
sing your hairdresser song
wearing tutus,

but we'll dance
the Sugar Plum Fairy Dance.

Face it, honey,
there is no way

you're gonna make this shot.

We'll see about that.

Come on, Carol,
put her right there.

I did it!

I made it!

Frank, if I'm gonna
have to wear a tutu,

I'm probably gonna
need a bikini wax.

Dana, how do I look?

You look great.

Really?

Good enough to say
"I love you"?

Okay. I love ya.

No, I'm talking about Eric.

I know I've only been
seeing him for a week,

well, actually,
every other day for a week,

but I feel like
I've known him forever.

In fact, I think
I'm in love with him.

Well, Karen,
don't you think
you're kinda rushing it?

I know, it's fast,

but I'm going over
to Eric's dorm right now.

I wanna surprise him
and tell him how I feel.

Wish me luck.

Okay. Good luck.

Man, I will be so glad

when we start
making money off Eric.

I bet Wayne Gretzky
doesn't make his agent
wash his jock strap.

You know, this whole
sports-worship thing

makes no sense to me at all.

I mean, Karen actually thinks
she's in love with this guy.

In love? With Eric?

Yeah, she's really
fallen for him.

She's on her way over
to his dorm right now
to tell him how she feels.

What? Tonight?

But tonight's Thursday!
Thursday's a Julie day!

-What are you talking about?
-Rich, Rich, we gotta get
over there and stop her.

-Come on!
-What is going on?

We don't have time to explain!

Sometimes we're real idiots.

Sometimes?

Are you
looking for Eric Barnes?

Yeah.

I think he's in
the student lounge.

-Thanks.
-Welcome.

Karen! Karen, Karen, Karen.

Karen, listen,
don't go in there.

Dana said why you
want to see Eric.

Believe me,
it's a big mistake.

Yeah, absolutely.

You don't wanna
get involved
with a pro athlete.

I mean, they're always
on the road, never home.

Come on, you don't
want a life like that.

Eric and I have
talked about that.

He said he'd take me
with him on road trips
every other week.

Karen, you know how that is.

Girls are always
throwing themselves
at athletes.

Eric is not interested
in other girls.

He said he's only
interested in me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to talk to him.

-Karen, think about this.
-Karen, don't go in there.

-Karen, wait, wait, wait!
-Karen, Karen!

Eric!

Karen, hi.

I wasn't
expecting you tonight.

It's Thursday.

I can't believe this.

You said I was the only girl
you cared about.

You told her that?

He just told me that
two minutes ago.

Come on, girls, let's not
get all worked up about this.

You both get to
tell your friends
you're dating Eric Barnes.

Correction.
I was dating Eric Barnes.

Well, problem solved.

Now you are
the only one I care about.

Now you're down to zero.

Fine. Your loss.

I'll just have my agents
over here hook me up
with another date.

You know something, man,

you are the lowest scum
on the face of the Earth.

Karen is a lot
better off without you

because she's
a terrific person.

You're nothing
but a slime bag.

I don't need this.

You're both fired!
Get out of my way!

Hey, hey! Well...

Well, we quit, you bad person.

I feel like such a fool.

Karen, we're really sorry.

It's okay.
It's not your fault.

Actually,
it kinda is our fault.

We kinda fixed up
Eric with Julie.

How could you do that to me?

I don't know, Karen.
We were really stupid.

We just got so caught up
in thinking about making money

that we really didn't
think about anything else.

Karen, I'm really sorry.

You aren't the only one
who's stupid.

I believed him when he said
he cared about me.

All I know is I'm through
with guys forever.

Gonna lock myself in my room

and become a bitter
old man-hater like
Cybill Shepherd.

Hey, Karen.

You know, Eric is down there

sitting all alone
in his convertible.

So?

So, I was
just thinking, you know,

what a shame it would be

if this bucket of dirty,
disgusting mop water

just accidentally
fell on his head.

Yeah, that would be terrible.

Wait, wait, you can't do that!

But I can.

Hey!

Show me the loogie!

Show me the loogie!

Show me the loogie!

I love the loogie!

Ladies and gentlemen,
could I have
your attention, please?

The victorious hairdressers

are pleased to present

the Sugar Plum Fairies
of Lambert Construction.

["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" PLAYING]

Frank, you know,
I'm man enough to admit it,

I'm feeling kinda sexy.

And now,
for their second number,

the Lambert boys
are going to sing

Hail to the Hairdressers.

Hit it, guys.

Dance, boys.