Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 20 - The Bodyguard Formerly Known as Prince - full transcript

Oh, wow! French toast and bacon.

[CHUCKLES]
What's the occasion, huh?

Well, I know
it's your favorite breakfast

and I haven't had time to make
it since Lily was born, so...

Oh, you make
the best French toast

and that's my second
favorite thing you do.

-Ooh!
-They both begin with "French."

Hey, hey, hey!
We're eatin' here.

No geezer sex talk.

Good morning, Lamberts!

I smell breakfast.



Rich, don't you ever knock?

I don't need to.
JT gave me a key.

Ooh! French toast!

[CHUCKLES]

I love French toast.

-Hey, Rich. Rich, hey, hey!
-Hmm.

This is my place.

Sorry! Bad Rich!

Head, head of the family,
head of the table. Sorry.

Hey, Rich, is there a reason
you stopped by today,

or was it just
to suck up our food?

Yes. There was, actually.

I brought you guys somethin'.

There you go, JT,
Brendan, Mark, Mr. L.



And the lovely...

...ever curvaceous...

...easy on the eyes, Mrs. L.

-Thank you, Rich.
-Welcome.

Okay, let's see.

"Dear close personal friend.

"Do not throw
this letter away.

"It is not a joke.

"Its message has traveled
millions...

"...of miles to reach you."

Rich, you sent us
chain letters?

Yes, I did,
and all you have to do

is send copies to 20 people

and you'll all be rolling
in good luck.

Man, this is just
some lame superstition.

Oh, yeah?
Well, explain this to me.

Yesterday, I mail my letters.

I go home, turn on the TV.

Boom! We have
the Playboy channel.

It was the best...

...three minutes
of my entire life.

Well, Rich, I don't want
you to take this personally

but really, I think chain
letters are a waste of time.

-Here you go, Frank.
-Mmm, thanks, honey.

You see, Rich, I don't believe

that not sending
out a chain letter

makes you have bad luck.

-Oh, ow!
-What?

Oh, Carol, I chipped a tooth.

Honey, look. You see?

See? Talk about
your bad luck, huh?

I guess you won't be
eating this then.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken
Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future
Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder
Will there ever be
A second time around

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a woah-a
When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think
I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're
putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step

-♪ Day by day
-WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Aw, this was
such a good idea

to go snowboarding
this weekend.

Oh, I love the mountain air

the freshly fallen snow.

A lounge full of hotties
drinking toddies.

Amen to that!

Al, you just broke up
with Matt last week.

I, uh, thought you would
still be in mourning.

Well, I am, I just need
a really good looking guy

to help me work through
the grief.

That is the spirit, Al.
We are here to have fun.

Now, let's, uh, check out
the lounge talent

and see if we can find three
guys named Jean Claude.

KAREN: No. No.

Acrylic sweater.

Hat hair.

Hello, boys!

I think we just found
the Baywatch bobsled team.

Hello, girls!

I think we've just found love,
American style.

I must meet
that dark haired one.

[CLEARS THROAT] I have to
caution you, Your Majesty.

The king will be furious

if he finds out the crowned
Prince of Calderon

is consorting
with American commoners.

Charles, please.

You're watching too much
masterpiece theater.

We're on holiday.
I want to meet her.

-I'll fetch her for you.
-Ralph!

I hired you for the weekend
to be my bodyguard

not my social director.

Besides, I don't want her
to know I'm a prince.

For once in my life,
I want a woman

to like me for who I am.

Not my royal title.

So, for this weekend,
I'm not Prince William.

You're not
my Secretary of Protocol.

And you're not my bodyguard.

We're just three average,
fun-loving guys.

They're coming over.

Dibs on the one
in the gold sweater.

Oh, I call the green sweater.

Ahem. Good afternoon, ladies.

ALL: Good afternoon.

I was wondering
why such beautiful women

are standing here all alone.

Well, not alone any more.

My name is Phil.

And these are my friends,
Chuck and Ralph.

And we're three average
fun-loving guys.

Well, um, I'm Dana.
And this is Karen and Al.

And we are three
above average fun-loving girls.

Uh, we've rented
some snow-mobiles.

Would you like to go for
a ride this afternoon?

-Oh, we'd love to.
-Yeah, that sounds great.

Oh, geez! Snow-mobiles
are so... Fast and wild.

I hope there's something
big and strong

for me to hold on to.

I think they have seat belts.

Come with me, Ralph.
I have so much to teach you.

Hey, everybody! Good news.
Got some new shampoo samples.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, come on, no.

You have to try it
before I use it in the salon.

This is the latest shampoo
from "Cesar Bijon."

It's called,
"Wow, that's some kinda hair."

Good afternoon, Lamberts!
Say hello to Mr. Lucky.

Hello, Mr. Lucky.

Any chance of you ringing
Mr. Doorbell?

I thought about it.
Just didn't wanna disturb you.

Anyway... My good luck
streak continues.

Today in the mail, I received

a free tube of Super Poligrip.

Denture adhesive?
How's that good luck?

Now I don't have to buy my
grandmother a birthday present.

Well, here's some more
good luck.

-A free shampoo sample.
-Oh, fabulous!

Now I don't have to buy my
parents an anniversary gift.

So, have you guys sent out
your chain letters yet, huh?

Rich, man, chain letters
are totally bogus, man.

We're not gonna have
bad luck because we
don't send them out.

[FUSE BLOWS]

[STAMMERING]
Pull the plug, son.

Pull the plug. Oh, geez!

-Ow!
-Oh, God, oh, God!

Are you, are you okay...

-Oh, God!
-Ow, geez!

Mom, my computer's crashing.

Oh, quick, save everything.

Ah! Oh, I broke my nail.

-Ow!
-Oh, sorry.

Ooh!

[CAROL MOANING]

Well, well, well.

Let's see.

Mr. Lucky.

Karen, your eyes are like

two pools of dark fire.

[LAUGHS]

Say it again.

Wow, Dana, your
eyes are like...

...really close together.

Don't talk, Ralph.

Just, uh, sit there
and look pretty.

Hey, guys!

Check this out.

He's from some place
called Calderon.

-Never heard of it.
-Oh, I think
it's really small.

You know, whole thing
is like a church and a goat.

Oh, no. The kingdom of Calderon
has a population of 1.2 million.

And is the world's largest
exporter of rolled anchovies.

[COUGHS]

I, um...
Watch the Discovery Channel.

So, Al, what does
this prince look like?

I don't know,
but he's supposed to be

with two other guys
and they're all supposed
to be total babes.

-Refill?
-Love one. [GIGGLES]

Come here!

All right, make it fast.
I left Ralph in gear.

Don't you get it?

We are with the royal party.

Uh, Phil is the prince

and Chuck and Ralph
are his royal roadies.

Wait, wait a minute.

What makes you think
your guy's the Prince?

Maybe my guy is the Prince.

You guys, what are the odds

that we're with
the royal party?

Anyway, who cares?

I'm with a guy
with big muscles.

Ralph!

They're on to us. Blast!

I wanted Karen to like me
for who I am.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we tell them
we're Hootie and the Blowfish?

You be Hootie, you can blow.
I'll go fishin'.

Ralph, leave the brain
work to us.

Sire, here they come.

Sorry, to, uh,
keep you waiting.

We didn't mean to be
a royal pain.

[MUMBLING NERVOUSLY]

Oh, really?

-[GIGGLES] No!
-Yes.

In fact, he's here right now.

All hail, Prince Ralph!

I got the prince.
I got the prince!

Karen, I command you
to hurry up!

Better move it, Karen.

You're not even dressed yet?

I'm not going out today.
I don't feel good.

but I've got a date
with a prince.

You want me to go to the drug
store and get you something?

No, that's okay.

Well, what? Do you have
like a cold or the flu?

Look, I'm fine. Just go.

You're not
really sick, are you?

You are just jealous because

Dana got the prince
and you didn't.

Well, I'd be a much better
princess than Dana.

I'm benevolent. I'm regal.

You know, Karen.

You are acting
like such a spoiled brat.

I mean, yesterday you thought
that Phil was pretty darn hot

and then now, today now today
there's some prince in town

and you're ready to dump him.

Okay, let's see.

He's a sweet,
honest, fun-loving,

decent guy, and you are
a shallow stuck-up snob.

Yeah, I agree.
He's not right for you.

-Oh, hey, Rich.
-Hey, B-Man, how's it goin'?

-Great. Guess what?
-What?

I just mailed out
my chain letters

and on the way home,
I found a $100 bill.

All right. See? Chain letters
are good luck, huh?

You stick with the old
Halke-meister here

and pretty soon,
you'll be knee deep

in sixth grade
chicky pies, eh?

-All right!
-All right.

Oh, whoa! Bad news
for your stepmom.

What?

Well, it says here
they recalled all that

new shampoo that she gave us.

Apparently it
affects your hair

in some weird kind of way.

Morning, Brendan.
Oh, hi, Rich, you're here.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, JT, Rich is here again.

Uh, Mrs. L., I gotta
tell you something

about your new shampoo.

Yeah, well, I think
it's a winner.

It tingles, so you really
know it's working.

Uh, well if, uh, what it says
in this paper is true

I think I know why
they call it, "Wow, that's
some kinda hair."

Yeah? Well, let's see.

What's the matter?
Why are you staring
at my hair?

Uh, you better take a look.

[SCREAMS]

Honey, what is going...
What?

Oh, what in the name
of Bozo the clown

have you done to your hair?

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh!

It's a good look
for you, Mr. L.

[JT YELLING]

How am I supposed
to get chicks when
I look like The Riddler?

MARK: Mother!

[GASPING] Look at me,
look at me, look at me.

I'm a freak!

We always knew
you were a freak.

Now you just have orange hair.

Why did this happen?

It's what I've been trying
to tell you. Read the article.

Let me read it.

Let me read it. [GASPS]

Oh, my God!

The shampoo turns
your hair orange.

Gee! You think?

Hey, how come you guys
don't have orange hair?

Well, maybe, uh,
we're the only two studs

in this room
who mailed our chain letters.

Yeah, I guess that's why
I didn't use that shampoo.

Yeah, me neither.
I gave mine to my parents.

I gotta go.

WOMAN: [ON TV]
Oh Trevor, I was such a fool.

I sought the trappings
of fame and fortune

and now I'm alone.

Beautiful, yes, but
oh, so alone.

Sing it, sister.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

PHIL: Karen, it's me, Phil.

Um, you can't come in.
I'm contagious.

PHIL: I don't care.

I've wrestled crocodiles
with my bare hands.

I believe I can handle
a runny nose.

Okay, come in.

[SIGHS] Don't look at me.

Oh, I'm a mess.

I think you look...
Beautiful.

I've brought you some soup.

It's an old family recipe.

Phil, this is very
sweet of you, but...

...shouldn't you be spending
time with the prince?

The prince can wait.

It'll make you feel better.

You're being way too nice

and I don't deserve it.

Why not?

Because I'm not really sick.

The truth is...

I was just upset because
you're not the prince.

And, of course, you wanted
to be with a prince.

I'm sorry you
were disappointed.

Oh, no. I'm not
disappointed in you.

In fact, I'm pretty lucky
to have someone

who cares enough about me
to bring me soup.

I owe you an apology.

I've been acting
like a real jerk.

It doesn't matter.

Thank you

for being so honest.

AL: Dana!

A woman of my station needn't
tolerate such behavior.

The kid threw a snowball at you.

He was just fooling around.

Karen, darling, if you're well
enough to receive visitors

you're well enough to bow
when the royal party
enters the room.

DANA: And you, Phil...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,
you of all people

should know to bow
in the presence of...

Uh, Dana, he really
doesn't have to bow to me.

Of course he does.

You heard me, Phil. Hit it.

Dana, don't talk.

Just sit there
and look pretty.

What are you talking about?

I do not have to bow to Ralph.

Because the truth is, Ralph is
not the prince of Calderon.

I am.

Let the truth ring out
from shore to shore.

Our Prince Phillipe
is prince once more.

You mean you're really
the prince?

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you sooner,

but I wanted you
to see past the crown

and like me for who I am inside.

I do.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

If Phil is the Prince

then who's Ralphy boy?

I'm the bodyguard
for the weekend.

You're the bodyguard?

And he's thinkin' about
taking me back to Calderon.

And if I get married,
me and the missus

get to live
above the royal stable.

Ralph, uh...
You're a lovely fellow

but I'm not gonna be marrying
anybody's bodyguard, okay?

We do, however, have
the rest of the weekend.

And we have the rest
of the weekend as well.

Well, thank you very much.

Okay, good news, Frank.

The manufacturer's
sending a rinse.

Oh, mom, Frank.

You'll never guess
what happened to me
this weekend.

What?

He thinks that I am the most

beautiful girl in the world.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, I gotta go upstairs
and call all my friends.

Uh, Karen, Karen. Come here.

Isn't there something
you wanna ask your mom and me?

Oh! Oh, yeah.
How was your weekend?

Colorful.

That's nice. I met a prince.

[CHUCKLES] Ciao.

Think we should tell her
not to use that shampoo?

BOTH: Nah!