Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 21 - Major Pain - full transcript

I'm in a really bad mood today.

So was I,

but then I started to
paint my nails
in sunshine orange,

and now I feel terrific.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I have to pick a major
by next Monday
or my life is ruined.

I thought you were going to be
a history major.

Yeah, I also thought about
English,

psychology,

anthropology,

pre med, pre law
and architecture.

At one point,
I was so desperate,



Well, it's your own fault
for having so many interests.

I mean, it's times like this

Hey, hey. Ha-ha.

It's the Foster freaks.

Lookin' good today, ladies.

Yes, Dana, you have a

particularly lovely glow
about you.

What are you two nitwits
so chipper about?

Did your inflatable women
finally, say yes?

For your information Barky,
we figured out what
we're going to major in.

That's right.
We're combining two fields
we're both very interested in.

Anatomy,

and physical education.

What kind of major is that?



B-ding! B-ding! Hey!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN:
♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN:
♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord
I think I've found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're
putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL:
♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN:
♪ Day by day

ALL:
♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN:
♪ We'll make it better

MAN:
♪ The second time around ♪

Hi, I'm Dana Foster.

I'm here to take your
career placement test.

That'll be seventy five bucks.

It's expensive, but

Yeah, I went through that, too.

It was really hard
trying to find a major.

So, what did you end up doing?

I dropped out of school.

But it worked out fine.
You know,

I got this great job here.

I work about fifteen hours
a week.

[OZZIE CLEARS THROAT]

Test?

Oh?

Here you go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Happy testing.

Thank you.

Oh, God, Barky's here.

Me? What are you two doing here?

You're not gonna believe this.

He says it's not a
"legitimate field of study."

Yeah,
so we got to come here and

take this stupid test
to find out

Hey, here's my money.
Give me two stupid tests.

Okay, cool.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Happy testing.

This one.

Actually--

-I want this one.
-Get out of here, man.

-En garde.
-En garde.

Hey, would you two
dueling dimwits knock it off.

This test is
very important to me

and I would appreciate

-Yeah, okay, fine.
-Sorry.

Psst.

What are you putting
for the first one?

Rich Halke.

Not your name, doofus.
The first question.

-Foot fight!
-Foot fight, en garde!

Hi, Frank.

Oh hi, honey.

FRANK: Oh? Hmmm.

What brings you down here, huh?

Well, remember
a couple years ago

and you were really busy and

"Thanks, I owe you one?"

-Yeah?
-Well,

we're even now.

No, it's no big deal.

Carol, you can't hire somebody

-for my crew.
-I know.

I know, and
I never would have done it,

it's just that
his grandmother loaned me money

to start my beauty salon
and I really felt that
I owed it to her.

Well, couldn't you pay her back
by giving her a perm or
waxing her mustache, huh?

Well, Frank, jeez, you know,

I mean, her grandson
really wants to learn
the construction business

and you are the...
Perfect teacher.

-Why?
-Because,

because you have such
strong, knowing,

hands and when people work

under you they really respond.

Hmmm... Jeez,

I can't even remember
the question,

but I have a feeling
the answer is yes.

Great, great. I'll go get him.

-He's here?
-Yes.

Well, he's very eager.

Flash?

Hey, Carol, thanks a lot.

Well, Flash,
this is my husband, Frank.

Good to meet you.

Thanks for giving me a chance,
Frank. You're a wonderful guy,

Frank. It is Frank, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, I have to get back
to the beauty salon.

So gee, I'm so glad
to see you two
hitting it off so well.

Really, really, I think
this is going to be the...

The beginning of a
beautiful friendship.

Really, I do. [CHUCKLES]
I do, I do, yes.

Well, bye.

Wow, Frank, terrific lady.

Okay, so I guess you want to
know something about
my background,

my work experience, whatever.
If you have any questions,
you just ask away.

I'm an open book.
I have no secrets.
Go ahead, ask me anything.

Are you on something?

No, Frank, no drugs.

You mind, if I jog in place?

Flash, Flash, is it possible
for you to just, stand still?

Sure. [STUTTERING]
I don't have to keep moving.

I just need to let off
a little steam now and then.

[SCREAMS]

So, what's going on today?

It's a condo remodel, Flash.

We're going to do a little work
in the kitchen,

we're gonna do some work
here in the family room,

the bedroom and bathroom

and we're thinking about
replacing the sliding
glass doors,

and putting in some
French doors.

-Hey, Frank?
-Huh?

I don't know. Let me see.

Let's do it.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Okay, huh,

door gone.

What did you do?

You said we were
going to replace the slider

with French doors.

I said,

we were thinking about it.

Oh, man.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Hey, guys, mail's here.

You both got something
from that, uh, testing place.

Ooh, ooh.

Lambert. Ah, Dana Foster!

Thank God,

[DEEP BREATH]

"Dear Miss Foster,

"our conclusion is
you should seek the position of

"prison guard in a women's
correctional facility."

A... A prison guard?

Oh, yeah,
a guard in a chick's jail,
you're perfect for that.

This stinks.

I mean, it's bad enough that
some people gotta
get stuck in jail but,

now they gotta wake up to
your ugly face every morning.

Clearly,
there is something wrong
with this test.

I don't know, Dana.
I think it's right on.

Mine says, I should become, uh,

a psycho-ologist.

A psychologist?

You can't even pronounce it.

Yeah,
it's the perfect job for me.

Chicks will come in,
lay down on my couch
and pay me.

JT, you're an idiot.

I mean, What could possibly be
more ridiculous than

you being a psychologist?

Paging Doctor Halke.

Doctor Rich Halke.
Report to ER, stat.

The test said
you should be a doctor?

Yeah! Get this,

I'm thinking of specializing
in women.

Eighteen to...

Mrs. Lambert.

A doctor, man that's great.
I'm going to be
a psycho-ologist.

This is insane.

Sure, I can.

Would you like me to...

[EXHALES]

Listen to your heart?

Tup tup. Tup tup.

Demented gnome.

What a crock.

Me, working in a women's jail.

Ah, c'mon Dana,
it's not that bad.

It's not like
you meet a lot of guys, anyway.

Good shot, Dr. Lambert.

Thank you, Dr. Halke.

CAROL: I'm just calling to see how Flash is working out.

Oh, honey,
he's working out just fine.

He started out by
totally destroying
a sliding glass door.

Then, he wallpapered a room
we just painted and

he topped off the morning
by backing my truck
into a port-a-potty

while Virgil was
still sitting on the throne.

Hey, Frank,

Big, big surprise.

I gotta go.

Look, I know I screwed up
this morning,

but I worked through the break
just to make up for that.

Do you like it?

I took out the cabinets
like you told me to.

I told you to take out
the bathroom cabinets,

not the kitchen cabinets.

Oh, no! [WHIMPERING]

Oh, no!

Okay, okay, okay, don't panic,

we'll just reinstall them. Now,

where are the cabinets
that you took out?

Outside on the driveway.

Okay, then they're just fine.

-Uh, Frank?
-Yeah?

I kind of backed over them
with your truck.

Flash...

Are you mad at me?

No,

I'm not mad at you.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stupid! Stupid!

Hi.

Cool, welcome back.

[CLEARS THROAT] Happy testing.

Look, the only reason I'm here
is that

there's something wrong

with your moronic test.

a guard in a women's prison.

Do I look like
I should be a guard
in a women's prison?

I don't know.

Listen,

I demand to know

the criteria you use to arrive

at such ridiculous conclusions.

I would like to see my test.

I'm sorry, but, uh...

These files are
for employees only.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's the phone.

Newton Testing Center.

Yes, boss.

Uh huh, boss.

That was my boss.

He wants to see me right away.

Oh, yeah? Well,
I would like to see him, too.

he's in the back room and
that's for employees only, too.

But good luck with the
prison guard thing.

That sounds really cool.

Jerk.

Feibish, Flavin, Foster.

BOSS: No, no, no Ozzie.

That's really nice of you,
Mr. Boss.

But I'm not sure
I'm ready to grade the tests.

I mean, I don't know anything
about career placement.

Don't need to. Ozzie my boy,
c'mon over here.

I'm gonna show you some of our

"scientific methods."

Okay, here, this one
still hasn't been graded.

Uh, Beth Dorfman,

you are perfectly suited to be,

...prison guard.

That's the second time
I landed on that one this week.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

Hey, Barky, it's 1:00 am.
What are you doing up so late?

Ah! Practicing for all those
all nighters at the chick jail?

Very funny, JT.

They do their
"scientific" evaluations

by flinging gum
against the wall.

What are you talking about?

It's a scam.
They take your money

and they make up
any result they want.

It's true and
it's not the first time

this Newton guy has
run this scam.

He's being investigated
in New York, Texas

and Arizona.

You found out all this stuff
in one night?

Yup, and I'm putting it
all in a letter to...

The Port Washington Timesand

the Better Business Bureau.

Hmmm.

"but he is really
a parasitic vermin

"that sucks the life blood
from America's youth."

Yow! Man, I hope
this guy's wearing a cup
when he reads this.

Hey, you mess with Dana Foster,
you're going down.

I wish you could major
in kicking butt.

Wait a minute, maybe you can.

You could be one of those
investigative reporters,

you know like those old guys
on Sixty Minutes.

Hmmm.

"Tonight on Sixty Minutes,

"Dana Foster kicks
the tar out of
the tobacco industry."

See, you're a natural
when it comes to
sticking it to people,

twisting it and
breaking it off, you da' man.

Thanks, JT.

Gee, Frank,

Carol, the kid is a menace.

He hooked a high pressure hose
to a bidet

and almost blew a woman
through the ceiling.

Hi, Frank. I thought
I heard someone out here.

Oh, hi, Carol.

but to make up for it,

I stayed up all night
working on the kitchen.

You did?

I sure did.

Heck, it's not like
I sleep anyway.

Come on, check it out.

So, what do you think?

New cabinets. New counters.

Wood paneling

and brand new French doors.

This is fantastic.
You did this all in one night?

Well, like I said, not sleeping
really frees up a lot of time.

Wow. Flash,

this is just beautiful.

[STUTTERS] I don't get it,
Flash.

How come you can be

a total disaster one minute

and then the next minute
you're a really good worker?

Well, Frank, I guess
the best way to explain it is,

I'm kind of like nuclear power.

When harnessed
and focused correctly,

we can light cities
and propel submarines.

But if unfocused,

all we do is go...

[SHOUTS] Boooommm!

What are the chances that
you could focus your,

uh, power for good,

rather than, you know, boom?

I'm not really sure.

Anyway,

Thanks for at least
giving me a chance.

You two are the nicest people
I've ever met.

Bye, Carol.

Bye.

Oh, boy. Uhh... Flash!

Yeah?

Listen,

I'm real impressed with the way
you did this job in one night.

And if you can do work
like this,

instead of going "boom,"

then, uh...

I'd like to have you
on my crew.

-Really?
-Yeah, really.

This is great.

This is incredible.

I love you, man.
I swear to God, I love you.

I love you, too, Carol.

Wait till you see what
Flash did.
It is totally awesome!

Okay. Hey, Flash!

Yeah.

What's going on?

Well, Frank,

So I installed a new
stereo system in your truck.

It's got 1,500 watts,
a graphic equalizer,

and a bottom end booster
that'll rock your world!

Well, that's real nice of you,
Flash.

Hop on in the truck
and give it a listen.

Okay, okay.
Don't mind if I do.

There's nothing more relaxing
that listening to a little music
on the way to work.

He's gonna love this.

Hey, Frank!
Hit the booster if you want
a little more bass!