Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 5, Episode 18 - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? - full transcript

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

Any of you dudes know where
there's a radio I can borrow?

What?

I said, any of you dudes know

where there's a radio
I could borrow?

Oh, never mind. Found one.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, check it out, man.

on Country 106.

Oh, did you pick the numbers
this week?



Totally, man. That's why
I'm wearing my lucky cheese hat.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, when I put on this hook

of coagulated curd
on the old cassava,

winning numbers
just come flowin' right in.

I'm like a total
psychotic hot-line, man.

[CHUCKLES]

Check it out.

Six, seven, ten,

twelve, twenty-seven
and forty-four.

eight million dollar
lottery jackpot.

The numbers are
six, seven, ten,

twelve, twenty-seven
and forty-four.

[ALL CLAMORING]

You just won
eight million dollars.



You're rich, Cody. What are you
gonna do with all your money?

Oh, well, dude,
I didn't buy a ticket.

I just like pickin'
the winning numbers.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's the fun part.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, that's...

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

♪ The dream wide broken
seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?
Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder
Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

♪ Woah woah woah

♪ Say my Lord
I think I found someone

♪ And no one would be better
to be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day,
day by day

♪ A fresh start over
a different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall
the stronger we stay

♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

Hey, everybody.

Sure. Who?

Uh, well, his name
is Fleming Adler

and he is absolutely brilliant.

And we've kind of been seeing
a lot of each other

and I think that it's time
you met him.

Well, this sounds
kind of serious.

It is kind of serious.

Yeah, uh, uh, "Movin' out"
kind of serious?

Well, maybe.

Honey, uh, we gotta, we gotta
break out the good china,

maybe get some steaks.
We don't want him to get away.

You are gonna love Fleming.

No, I do. I do already. I do.

[SIGHS]

I'm really looking forward
to meeting this guy.

Well, uh, don't get your hopes
up, guys, because I met him

and he's a rude,
opinionated, pompous jerk.

Perfect for Dana.

Oh, one down, six to go.

[CHUCKLES]
You, you seein' anybody?

Hi, can I help you?

[BABY CRYING]

Well, hello there.

You've got the prettiest smile.

Runs in the family.

She's got your smile.

Thanks.

Spending the day
at the mall with daddy?

Well, not exactly.

You know, I think it is so great
to see a young father

taking care of his child.

I think it's,
well, I don't know, sexy.

Really?

Well, she did,
but she's dead now.

I'm so sorry.

What happened?

How horrible.

Yeah, but life goes on, right?

[CHUCKLES]
What'd you say your name was?

I'm Laura.

Hi, Laura. I'm J.T.

I mean, after all, I...

I am dating for two now.

LAURA: You are so brave.

Oh, stop.

to take care
of his little girl.

So you busy tomorrow night?

Well, I'm working till 7:00.

Oh, perfect. I'll come by then.

What about the baby?

I have live-in help.

Oh, well, okay, sure.

Uh, I'll see you at 7:00.
I'll go get those sleepers.

All right.

Lily, you little chick magnet.

Your daddy is so proud of you.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Cody.

Oh, hey, dudes. What's up?

Cody, we were just talking
about this whole lotto thing.

Uh, do you always pick
the right numbers?

Well, only when
I wear my cheese hat.

See, I tried it
with my baloney hat once.

Only got five out of six,
you know.

And you just guess
these numbers for fun?

You never buy a ticket?

Whoa, dude, if I bought
a ticket every time

I'd be a full
billionaire by now.

I've to join that whole
Fortune 500 gig, man.

[CHUCKLES]
Who needs that grief?

I'll take a piece
of that grief.

Me too.

Now why don't you just fire up
the old cheese hat

and tell us what this week's
numbers are gonna be?

But when you guys become,
like, full bazillionaires,

man, you pop a ragin' hernia

carryin' all that
loot to the bank,

don't come crying to me.

No problem, Cody.
Just give us the numbers.

Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

Cheese hat, cheese hat.

Speak to me.

Tell me what this week's
winning lotto numbers will be.

Whoa.

This hat, like, tells you
everything, man.

Hey, anybody wanna know
who's gonna be

best supporting actress for '98?

Okay, dude, but Tori Spelling

is gonna surprise
a lot of people.

Yeah. All right.

This week's lotto numbers
are gonna be...

Eleven.

BOTH: Eleven.

-Twenty-eight.
-BOTH: Twenty-eight.

-Thirty-four.
-BOTH: Thirty-four.

-Forty-one.
-BOTH: Forty-one.

-And six.
-Six. Okay.

-Yeah. Oh.
-Thanks, Cody. Bye.

CODY: Cool. Whoa.

The ability to see the future.

What an awesome responsibility.

Heavy is the head
that wears the cheese.

Hi.

Uh, this is Fleming.

Hello.

Well, hi there. I'm Carol.

Gee. Oh, it's so nice
to meet you.

Yeah, it sure is.
How are you doin' there?

How are you doin'?
Here, let me take that rug.

You come on in
and, and sit down.

I've cut up
a pepperoni log for us

so we could have
a little snack here.

Thank you.

So Dana tells us
that you're, uh

getting a PhD in Psychology?

Fleming is a genius.

He's writing a book
called Let It All Hang Out.

Yes, I feel, uh, I feel
people spend too much time

censoring themselves.

I think we'd all be
a lot happier

Frank, what are you thinkin'
about right now?

Tool Depot.

Interesting.

I'm thinkin'
I'll get me a new chainsaw.

They got one
with a 28 inch blade

and a 10 horsepower motor.

I mean, you can cut
a refrigerator

in half with that thing.

Oh, yes. Dana told me about
your obsession with power tools.

Come on, 10 horsepower motor,
28 inch blade.

What are we really talkin'
about here, Frank?

I'm a contractor.
I like power tools.

So you probably like big trucks
and guns and all that stuff?

Bigger the better.

Is somethin' wrong with that?

for their feelings
of sexual inadequacy.

Isn't he great?

Frank, I know that
you may feel uncomfortable

or even insulted.

But see,
that's what's so great

You know, the more honest
we are with each other

the better
our relationships can be.

Okey-dokey, well,
let me be perfectly honest

with college boy here,
and tell him what he can do

with his theories
on sexual inadequacy, okay?

Uh, Frank, Frank, Frank,
I need you to help me

with the potatoes
in the kitchen.

It's, uh, honest, honestly,

really, I, I do need help
with the potatoes.

Inadequate, my eye.

I made four kids.
How many has he made?

Frank, just calm down.
He's just a kid.

He thinks
he's got all the answers.

Remember how you felt
when you were his age?

He's just a college student.

Don't let him get to you.

Okay, okay.

But if he says inadequate
one more time

I'm gonna show him
what a 28 inch chainsaw can do.

Sorry, we, we had to check
on the potatoes.

Look, uh, I know
you were talking about me.

But that's cool because we were
just talkin' about you.

You were?

that you make such an effort
to make yourself look so good.

Well, I don't work that hard.

Fleming has a whole chapter
in his book

about people just like you.

It's called
the Zsa Zsa Complex.

Yes, it's about women
whose self-esteem

is so wrapped up
in their looks

that they refuse to accept the
fact that they're getting old.

[IMITATES A CHAINSAW]

I don't have a problem
with getting old.

[CHUCKLES]
Carol, stop living in denial.

Just admit the fact
that you're a middle-aged woman

fighting a losing battle
against gravity.

I am not losing the battle
with gravity.

Tell him, Frank.

DANA: It's okay, mom.
You know, let it all hang out.

They're all head-cases.

Honey, uh, honey.

Okay, here's the deal.
Whoever kills him gets a steak.

I really enjoyed this evening.

Now you be honest, Frank.
What do you think about me?

I hate your guts.

That is so beautiful.

I'm really moved
by your honesty.

I'm gonna walk Fleming
to his car.

No, no, really.
I hate your guts.

FLEMING:
Keep up the good work, Frank.

Honey, what's with this guy?
He's like a cockroach.

You stomp on him,
you can't get rid of him.

But let's not overreact, huh?

I mean, Dana's a smart girl.

Sooner or later,
she's gonna realize

he's a pompous jerk
and dump him.

I hope so 'cause I hate him.
I really hate him.

I know, I know.

[SIGHS]

I mean, it took me a while

But I really think
that he's the one.

The one? The one what?

You know. Mr. Right.

We're going out tomorrow
night, and he said

that he has a special
gift for me,

and I think
it's gonna be a ring.

Hey, Al, you think this jacket
makes me look fatherly?

I'm thinking about wearin' it
on my date tonight.

I cannot believe you used
your baby sister to get a date.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, and I feel
real bad about that too.

What do you think, Al?
Pipe or no pipe?

[SCOFFS]
I think you're scum.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes, but scum with a date.

You know what I mean, huh?

You know what I mean.

Hi.

Oh, we were so busy
talking yesterday

I forgot to give you
this free gift

that came with your purchase.

So, uh, this is your house?

Yeah, yeah, this is my house.

Uh, this is my living room.

And...

This is Inger,
my Swedish maid.

I'm Inger?

Oh, yeah, you're Inger.

She doesn't speak any English.

Come on, Inger,
let's go in the kitchen

Yeah, you betcha,
you big dill weed.

This must be your late wife.

Barky?

Her name was Barky?

It was her pet name.

She's beautiful.

You know, I still can't look
at this picture

without getting a queasy
feeling in my stomach.

Hey, J.T., listen, I want...

Oh, I didn't know
you had company.

Hi, I'm Frank Lambert.
I'm J.T.'s father.

Hi, I'm Laura.

Oh, dad.

Wow.

Lily is so lucky
to have a grandfather

who's so involved in her life.

Uh, grandfather?

[CHUCKLES]
Grandpa.

You know,
he's just so darn handsome

he hardly thinks of himself
as a grandfather.

Whoa, look at the time.

I better get Lily down
for a nap.

I have to get back to the store.
I'll see you tonight, J.T.

Okay, bye-bye.

Yeah, yeah, bye. Yeah.

-Dad.
-Grandfather?

It's not what you think it is.

so you could get a date.

Okay, it's exactly
what you think.

Oh, J.T., you have done

But using your baby sister,
that's gotta be the lowest.

Oh, come on, dad,
it's not all my fault.

She just assumed
I was the baby's father

and got turned on, and then...

Then I got turned on. [LAUGHS]

You know me. When I get turned
on, I'll say anything.

J.T., you have got
to tell her the truth

before this gets out of hand.

Well, can't I see
how the date goes first?

Son, find a legitimate way
to get a date.

Oh, yeah, right,
like that works.

Hey, Laura.

Oh, hi, J.T.

Listen, before we
go out tonight,

there's somethin'
I gotta tell you.

Look, I think
that you're terrific.

But when I came to your house

I saw the responsibility
that you have, you know

with your daughter
and your father and your maid.

And I realized
that I'm not ready

to get involved
with all that, you know?

I just wanna have fun.

But you have a daughter
to raise.

No, you see, I don't. See,
I'm not really Lily's father.

I just made that up
because you said you liked me

when you thought
I was her dad,

but I'm really her brother.

That is the most despicable
thing I have ever heard.

What?

Dumping your daughter

Well, I'm not dumping
my daughter.

I'm dumpin' my sister.

Really?

Then who was that man
you said was Lily's grandfather?

Well, that was my dad,
but he's Lily's dad too.

How stupid do you think I am?

He's way too old to have a baby.

What?

Laura, I swear it's the truth.

Laura!

Oh, man. Tsk...

Hello.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hey.
-Hi.

You look fabulous.

Oh, well, thanks.

I'm really looking forward
to going to this restaurant.

And I hear the atmosphere
is very special.

Well, uh, before we go,
why don't we, um, sit down?

I have a little something
I wanna give to you.

Okay.

You know, ahem, Dana,

uh, I think
we've grown really close.

And uh, I'd like
to take our relationship

to a whole new level.

Close your eyes.

Uh... [LAUGHS]
Uh, what, what is this?

Well, to find out,
you'd have to open it.

[CHUCKLES]

"Uh, this gift certificate
entitles the bearer

"to one year
of psychiatric treatment...

"with Dr. Theodore Eiber,

"a psychological corporation."

You're giving me therapy?

Yes.

Why?

You're...

You're, uh, you're controlling,

insecure,
obsessive-compulsive,

narcissistic, paranoid,

and somewhere deep down, Dana,
I think you hate men.

Well, I'm not too fond
of you right now.

I'm just trying to be honest.

and if our relationship
is gonna grow

you're gonna need
some professional help.

[SIGHS]

You know, Fleming,
I'm, I'm feeling a lot of rage

right now.

You see, that's what I mean.

Let it all hang out.

Yeah, well,
how does this hang?

Get out!

Okay, that's a start.

The only problem I have is you.

You are a self-righteous,

pompous, psycho-babbling
jackass.

Feels good to be honest,
doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it does, jackass.

Now get out!

Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on down here?

No, I'm trying to get you out.

So just take your...

Freudian butt
and park it some place else.

See, you wanted
to use profanity there,

but you didn't.
You're still suppressing.

[SCREAMS]

Frank, would you please
throw him out?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, uh, Fleming.

I would like to be perfectly
honest with you right now.

Uh, if you're not out
of my house in five seconds

I'm gonna hurt ya.

You see, don't you feel
good about yourself?

We're really communicating.

Frank, physical violence,

this is a giant step
backwards for you.

Well, I think
I can live with it.

Hasta la vista,buddy.

How about that?
Fits right in the garbage can.

You know, Dana,
he was right about one thing.

I am feeling pretty good
about myself.

I feel pretty good
about you, too, Frank.

[CHEERFUL SONG
PLAYING ON RADIO]

Hey-hey, check it out, man.

I've made a bow tie
to go with my cheese hat.

[LAUGHS]

and the ten million dollar
jackpot.

-Eleven.
-Eleven.

-Twenty-one.
-Okay.

-Twenty-eight.
-That's it.

Thirty-four.

Forty-one and six.

Yes! We won! We won!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Woo-hoo! Ten million dollars.

I'm rich.

Yeah, yeah.

[LAUGHS] All right.

Cody?

Dude?

What did you do?

Oh, well, man,
you know how I always know

the winning lotto
numbers, right?

Well, I didn't think that it was
fair to keep it all to myself.

So, uh, I put 'em up
on the big video board

at the Packers game, you know.

Ta-da, ta-da!

You mean, there could be
50,000 people with
the winning ticket?

Oh, a lot more than that.

It made the ESPN
play of the day.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, check this out, man.

Look, now I'm a full-blown
cheese head.