Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 2, Episode 23 - This Old House - full transcript

[instrumental music]

Dana, guess what I have
in my hand.

What?

Tom Cruise's home phone number.

- Ah.
- Yeah, right.

[scoffs]
I'm serious.

Shelly's mother has an uncle

who owns a fruit stand
in Hollywood

where Tom Cruise's maid's sister

comes to buy her tomatoes.

Yeah, right.



I'm gonna call him.

[sighs]

Even if it is his number,
aren't you embarrassed

to lower yourself to the level

of a simpering,
desperate groupie?

Nope.

Hello? Tom!

[gasps]
It's him!

[screaming]

Tom, I'm a huge fan.
I've seen all of your movies!

I love you! Ha!

Thanks, Dana. I love you, too.

[laughing]

[theme song]



[screaming]

♪ The dream got broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ To be putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[Carol]
This little piggy
went to the market.

This little piggy stayed home

and this little piggy
ate rack of lamb.

[chuckles]

Oh, honey.
Put on somethin' fancy.

I'm takin' you out
for rack a lamb.

Oh, I just made rack of lamb.

Oh. Oh, okay. Plan B.

Put on somethin' skimpy and
we'll take the lamb upstairs.

[chuckling]

- I'm in the mood to celebrate!
- Whoo! Obviously.

The Oakwood Bank
foreclosed on an old house

and they hired me
to tear it down

and put up an eight-unit
apartment building.

Oh, that's fantastic!

Honey, I'm so excited
about this.

Oh, and Cody will be
so excited, too.

He-he will? Why?

Well, because you'll hire him
to demolish the old house.

I- I will? Why?

Because he's your nephew.

Uh, Carol, it's one thing
to swing a sledgehammer

but this job requires dynamite.

Cody? Dynamite?

Does the phrase "Film at 11:00"
mean anything to you?

[sighs]
But he's a demolition man.

He's used dynamite before.

No, no, honey, he's assisted
somebody using dynamite before.

His contribution was saying,
"Awesome"

every time something blew up.

Well, you always
hire Cody, Frank.

If you'd shut him out this time

it'll crush his spirit.

It'll break his heart,
it'll be like

stabbing your own nephew
right in the back.

But, hey, do what you gotta do.

Okay. Al-alright.

Carol, I..

I'll hire Cody.

I mean, what harm can it do?

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Hey-hey, Uncle Frank.
Ha-ha.

I was just down
at the lumberyard.

Heard the news about you
gettin' that big job.

- Congratulations, dude.
- Thank you, Cody.

So, who are you gonna get
to waste the old homestead?

Well, I've-I've given it
a lot of thought

and I've decided to hire you.

Me? Whoa, no way.

I thought you'd hire somebody
who knows what they're doin'.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

But, hey, you know

we're talkin' dynamite here,
Uncle Frank.

Yeah, well, Cody, if you're not
feelin' comfortable--

Cody, you've worked
with dynamite before.

Well, yeah, you know

but I've never been
the head honcho before.

[chuckles]
I mean, there's a big difference

between, you know,
yelling, "Awesome"

and bein' the main man
flickin' the bick, yeah.

Yeah. You got a lot of guts,
Uncle Frank.

No, I just have a wife.

[clears throat]

[instrumental music]

Hey, guys, wanna listen to
some music while we're workin'?

Yeah, sure.

♪ Raindrops on roses ♪

♪ And whiskers on kittens ♪

♪ Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens.. ♪♪

Shut up!

Gee, I guess no one likes
show tunes anymore.

Oh, hey, guys,
what are you doin'?

We read this ad
in a magazine

that said we can make three
bucks a box stuffing envelopes.

Yeah. We've been workin'
all week.

Cool. So how much
have you made so far?

Three bucks.

Yeah. What a rip-off.

We thought
we were goin' to get rich.

Well, you are not gonna
get rich workin' this way.

I mean, look at you, you're
spread out all over the room

and you're workin'
in slow motion.

So?

So, the big corporations

like IBM don't work that way.

They make money
because they're organized.

Excuse me, J.T.,
but didn't IBM lose

several billion dollars
last year?

Well, yeah,
but they had it to lose.

Guys, I'm gonna do you
a big favor.

If you put me in charge,
I'll turn this

rinky-dink operation
into a money factory.

Well, for the standard
20 percent management fee.

Twenty percent?

J.T., you're a slime ball.

Okay, I can make us
500 bucks a week.

Uh, wait.
You didn't let me finish.

You're a slime ball,
but I love you.

Oh, boy,
we're going to be rich!

I'm so happy I could sing!

But I won't.

[instrumental music]

[Frank]
'And the demolition
should take a couple of days'

and we'll be able to pour
the foundation next week.

Good, because the sooner
you put these apartments up

the sooner my bank
can start making money

on this property again.

- Uh-huh.
- Hey, dudes.

- Ha-ha.
- Oh, Cody. Uh, Cody.

This is Mr. Hartman
from the Oakwood Bank.

Uh, the man who hired me
for the job.

[chuckles]
Hey.

- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

Yeah, I'm a big fan
of your banks.

Just got one question, though.

Why do you leave the vault
wide open

and chain down the pens?

[chuckles]

I mean, like, if it was my bank

you know,
I'd just close the vault

and get a box of cheap pens.

I'll bring it up
at the next board meeting.

[Cody]
'Ha-ha, yeah, yeah.'

Hey, uh, dude.

You know, you got holes
in your shoes?

They're wingtips.
They're supposed to have holes.

Hey, that's okay. You don't
gotta make excuses for me.

[chuckles]
Yeah.

It's been a tough year
for everybody.

Uh, uh..

Union sends me these people.

I don't know
where they dig 'em up.

So, what should I do first,
Uncle Frank? Ha-ha.

Why don't you
check out inside, Cody?

See where you want
to put the charges.

Oh, yeah. Good idea.
Ha-ha. Okay.

[grunts]
Whoa.

[chuckles]
Gotcha.

I love dynamite. Ha-ha-ha.

Whoa.

These people
must have been rich.

Look at all this cool stuff
they left behind. Ha-ha-ha.

- Hi.
- Hey, little dude.

Are you the man
who's gonna blow up our house?

At your service.

Did you used to live here?

We still live here.

- Hello.
- Hey, who are you guys?

- We're the Emersons.
- Wow, man.

I mean, didn't you get
a note or anything?

Yeah, the bank's
been sendin' us notices

because we couldn't pay
the mortgage.

But we couldn't help it.

We both lost our jobs
over a year ago.

Whoa. That's terrible.

All we needed
was a little more time.

I got a line on a job.

Starts next month.

But the Oakwood Bank doesn't
care about people like us.

Ah, see,
that's where you're wrong.

Oakwood Bank is a friendly bank.

See, look, they're having
tough times too, you know?

I just met
this really nice banker outside

and he's got holes
in his shoes, yeah.

Though, uh, I wouldn't
mention it to him, you know?

He's still in denial.

Okay, Cody,
I think we ought to..

Whoa. Wh-what's goin' on here?

Hey, Uncle Frank,
you are not gonna believe this.

You know, the people
who used to live here?

- Huh?
- They still live here!

[chuckles]

Well, they're not
supposed to.

We sent them
all the appropriate notices.

We're completely
within our rights

and they are violating the law.

Ha, see, this is that friendly
banker I was tellin' you about.

[chuckles]

Now, Mr. Hartman, uh..

The Emersons, they've been
having a little bit of trouble

with their mortgage,
so I was thinkin'

maybe you could loan 'em
some money and then that way

they could pay back the money
that they owe you.

And then the bank
wouldn't lose any money

and you wouldn't have to throw
the Emersons out.

[chuckles]

Well, that was pretty easy.
Yeah.

Maybe I should be a banker.
Ha-ha.

Hey, I have holes in my shoes.
Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, sorry, dude.

You let him handle dynamite?

We, we rope off
a very large area.

- Yeah.
- Good.

I have a business to run.

You people need to vacate
the premises immediately.

But we've got no place to go.

Well, that's not my problem.

Whoa, major harshin'
from the friendly bank.

It's not cool, dude.

Well, I don't care, dude.

I want this place down
by the end of the week.

Tcha.
Over my dead body, yeah.

I don't care if I have
to stay here all month.

So what if I do miss
the auto show?

Tcha. Nobody's blowin' up
this house.

- Alright.
- Yeah, buddy.

Lambert, he works for you

so, figure out
this little problem.

Look, Mr. Hartman,
I really need this job.

But isn't there somethin'
you can do to help these folks?

No.

And I might remind you
that we have a contract.

Now, either this place
comes down

or I hit you with a lawsuit
and put youout of business.

Lawsuit? Hah! Yeah.

That doesn't scare us,
does it, Uncle Frank?

Alright. Just stay calm.

What's the worst thing
that can happen?

The bank sues me.

I lose my contractor's license.

I never work again.

The family has to move
into Cody's van.

I gotta get 'em
out of this house!

Hi, Frank. I brought you
some sandwiches.

Oh, honey,
I'm glad to see you.

Carol, I really need you.

Frank. An abandoned house.

That's sick, sick, sick.

[chuckles]

No, honey,
I'm not interested in sex.

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Carol, Cody refuses
to tear down this house.

Now, you gotta talk
some sense into him

or the bank is gonna sue me.

But why doesn't he wanna
tear down the house?

Carol, it's Cody.
Who knows why he does anything?

But, come on and talk to him.
He listens to you. Come on.

Hi, Cody.

Hey, Carol.
What are you doin' here?

Well, I came by to bring
Frank some sandwiches

but he said you didn't wanna
tear down this house.

Yeah, you got that right.

And to make sure
nobody else does

I'm sittin' right here
on this box of dynamite.

You didn't tell me he was
sitting on a box of dynamite.

Would you be in here
if I did?

Now, look, you know, I know
the bank's givin' Uncle Frank

a really hard time about this

but I can't let anybody
tear this place down.

- People still live here.
- They do?

Yeah. It's a really
nice family.

- And they got no place to go.
- A family?

Now, now, Carol, try and remain
unemotional about this.

Just wait
till you meet 'em, Carol.

They got two really cute kids.

- And a baby. Ha-ha.
- A baby?

- 'Yeah.'
- Uh, yup. I'm losin' it.

Oh. Oh, sorry, Cody.

I didn't know you had visitors.

That's okay. Mrs. Emerson,
this is Carol Lambert.

- Carol Lambert, Mrs. Emerson.
- Pleased to meet you.

Aw, a baby.

Aw, jeez.

Cody, I'm just gonna go out
and get some milk for the baby.

- See you later.
- Okay.

- Come on.
- It was nice meeting you..

Mrs. Emerson.
Bye, baby. Bye.

Bye, little baby. Bye. Aww.

[groans]

Frank Lambert,
how could you be so heartless?

You can't throw this woman
out of this house.

Carol, I don't feel great
about this

but the bank is threatening
to put me

out of business,
what am I supposed to do?

Well, I don't know
what you're supposed to do

but I know what I'm goin' to do.

Move over, Cody.

Anyone who wants
to tear down this place

is gonna have
to go through me first.

Ha-ha, tcha, buddy.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

Okay, let's fold and stuff,
and lick, lick, lick.

Fold and stuff,
and lick, lick, lick.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Mark, let's keep
that tongue moving.

If he weren't my brother,
I'd rip off his head

and spit down his neck.

Good idea. You rip, I'llspit.

Now, come on, guys,
this is not that bad.

If we just keep it up
a little longer

we'll have these envelopes
licked.

[laughing]

[sighs]

Mark.

I know. I know.

Thank you.

Okay, put them anywhere.

And you can have the next load
here in, say, two hours.

- You got it.
- More?

You've gotta be crazy!
We can't do anymore.

Of course, you can. Come on.

More envelopes means more money.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Again? You just went
two hours ago.

Hey, you've been pouring coffee
down my throat all day.

Hey, hey-hey-hey.
Get back to work.

I'll get you a jar.

You know, J.T.,
you're being a real jerk.

Hey, if you don't like it,
you can just quit.

- Fine, I quit!
- You can't quit!

[sighs]
I got these envelopes
on credit.

If I don't finish 'em
by tomorrow

I'll owe the company 500 bucks.

Now, let's get back to folding,
licking and stuffing.

- You fold it.
- You lick it.

And you stuff it.

Hey!

[sighs]

Oh, man!

[instrumental music]

[snoring]

Wow, he must have been up
all night

stuffing those envelopes.

Well, do you think
I should wake him?

Karen, he sounds asleep.

Waking him would be cruel.

[J.T. snoring]

I'll do it.

[screams]

Mornin', J.T.

[slurring]
Morning, Dana.

Pardon me?

[slurring]
I can't talk.

[slurring]
My tongue is swollen good
and cut.

What did he say?

"I can't talk.

"My tongue is swollen and cut

from licking
all these envelopes."

You licked all these envelopes?

Uh-huh.

Why didn't you just use
a sponge?

[slurring]
A ponge?

Oh, man!

[instrumental music]

[sniffles]
Ah..

Hey, uh, Carol.

Wake up.

Come on, Frank,
I'm still sleeping.

It's not Frank. It's Cody.

Huh. Ahem.

[screaming]

[panting]

Carol, would you chill?
We're at the Emersons'.

You fell asleep.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Well..

Alright, everybody, listen up.

This place is coming down
in exactly two minutes.

I want everybody out of here.
Let's go. Let's move it.

Move it. Move it.
Everybody move. Here we go.

Come on, Frank, give me that.

Come on, now, Carol,
I'm not kiddin' around.

Here, you see this?
The Oakwood Bank is suing me.

Now, I have got a job to do
and one way or the other

I am gonna do it, give me that.

Alright, Ernie, fire it up!

[machine whirring]

You hear that? That is
the biggest bulldozer in town.

The Chandier 850-B
lawn-tractor-dozer

with a 165 horsepower?

- No way!
- Yeah, way.

And in exactly ten seconds

Ernie is driving that bad boy
right through the front door.

In ten, nine..

I'd be gettin' out of here
if I were you.

Eight, seven, six..

- I-I'm not kiddin' here.
- Yeah.

Five, four, three..

It's a big bulldozer.

Two, one.

Oh, oh, come on, you guys!

Gimme a break here. Please.

Alright, Ernie, turn it off.

[sighs]
Come on, you guys.

Look, I don't wanna kick
these people out of their home

any more than you do.

But I'm caught between a rock

and a hard place here.

I wish there was a way
that we could keep the house

and build the apartment
buildings, but..

Jeez, I'm not a magician.

I'm not The Wizard of Oz.

Yeah. Yeah.

[sighs]

Hey, Uncle Frank.

That's it.

What's it?

"The Wizard Of Oz."
That's the answer.

- Ha-ha.
- What are you talking about?

It's this movie about
this little girl from Kansas

whose house gets sucked up
by this gnarly tornado

and blown to where all those
short people live. And then--

Cody, we know the movie!

We've seen it.
Now, what's the point?

Oh, man, what, do I have
to explain

everything to you guys?

Tcha! Alright, look,
we pick up the Emersons' house

and then we move it
someplace else, ha-ha-ha-ha.

Only thing is,
it might take a while.

You know, those tornados

are notoriously unpredictable.

- I got an idea!
- I got an idea. No, no, no

- I've got an idea.
- No, no, no.

Listen, listen I've got an idea.

We pick up the house
and we move it

to some unused farmland.

No, no, honey,
I got a better idea.

We pick up the house
and we move it

to some unused farmland.

[chuckles]
Whoa. Deja vu.

- Ha-ha.
- Mornin'.

Hello. Hey, you guys.

You're not gonna believe this.

[chuckles]
I got great news for ya.

- You don't have to move.
- We don't? Why not?

Tcha! Did you ever see
this movie, "The Wizard Of Oz?"

Yeah, I.. C-Cody, Cody.

Uh, I'll take it
from here, okay?

Now, we haven't worked out
all the details

but we're gonna find
a little piece of land

and move
your entire house there.

That's really nice of you,
but we don't have the money

to pay for that kind of thing.

Yeah, well, you will
if you don't mind

swingin' a hammer
for Lambert Construction, yeah.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, well..

I gotta put up
an eight-unit building here.

I could use some help.

[chuckles]
That's so generous of you.

I, I don't know what to say.

Well, hey, we know what
it's like to be out of work.

You don't have to say anything.
We're just glad we could help.

- Thank you, Mr. Lambert.
- Ha-ha.

- Thanks, Carol.
- Thanks.

- Thanks, Cody.
- Dude.

Okay, Cody, come on,
let's take that dynamite

and move, and.. Uh, uh,
what'd you do with the dynamite?

Oh, well, Carol got
a little freaked out last night

so I, uh, put it in the closet
out in the garage.

Uh, there's no closet
in the garage.

It's just a little room
where the water heater is.

I- i-is that
a, a gas water heater?

[explosion]

Awesome.

[instrumental music]

for the Emersons' housewarmin'.

Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Sure you're gonna be okay
without me here, Mark?

Don't worry about me. I'm just
a little under the weather.

I'll make myself some hot tea.
You guys have a good time.

- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

[door shuts]

[instrumental music]

♪ Just take those old records
off the shelf ♪

♪ I'll sit and listen to 'em
by myself ♪

♪ Today's music
ain't got the same soul ♪

♪ I like that old time
rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Don't try
to take me to a disco ♪

♪ You'll never even get me
out on the floor ♪

♪ In ten minutes
I'll be late for the door ♪

♪ I like that old time
rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Still like that old time
rock 'n' roll ♪♪

[instrumental music]