Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 1, Episode 3 - Rules of the House - full transcript

Hey, hey,
look what I found.

- Alright, guacamole.
- Yeah.

Yeah, there's one good thing
about moving in with Carol

and her three weeny kids.

They always got food
in the refrigerator.

What are you animals eating?

Guacamole. Dig in.

That's not guacamole.

That's Karen's avocado
and cold cream facial.

Sometimes, it's just too easy.

Mom, I thought dinner
started at 6:30.



It's almost 7:00.

Well, I'm-I'm sure Frank
and the kids

have a good reason
for being late.

Maybe they can't tell time.

So, if I learned
one thing from that

it was don't spit out
the window of a moving truck.

Honey,
that looks wonderful.

We know, we've been looking
at it for half an hour.

Most people just say grace.

- Frank.
- Yeah.

We were supposed to eat together

at 6:30 tonight, remember?

- Was that tonight?
- Yes.

Tonight and every other night,
I mean, it's a little thing



we do around here,
we call it dinner.

I can still eat, we only had

a couple of chili burgers
and a pizza.

You ate?

Snack.

Just to hold the boys over
until we got home.

Brendan, you could eat more,
right?

Sure, if you wanna see me
explode.

Well, at least
we're all here now

let's sit down together
as a family.

Okay.

Here comes Al.

Al, you're just in time
for dinner.

Great. Bullet's hungry.

Sorry,
no pigs at the table.

- Mom, in that case--
- Watch it, Dana.

Well, if Bullet doesn't eat.
I don't eat.

Can I eat in the living room?

Brendan, the whole point is that

we all sit down together
as a family.

But the game's on.

That's right, Carol,
the Packers are playing.

- Don't.. Frank!
- What?

What about dinner?

Yeah, you're right.

I love your turkey..

Here's a thought.

Why don't we just put
bowls on the floor

with their names on 'em?

Well..

...I guess it's bedtime.

Frank, Frank, Frank, I'm busy.

Well, why don't you
put that away until after..

...you know.

Frank, you know I can't relax
until I'm finished

and if I'm not relaxed,
I can't...you know.

I know.

- What is that chart anyway?
- The rules of the house.

You know, Frank, I realized
something at dinner tonight.

What?

If we don't get organized
I- I'm gonna lose my mind.

I mean, it's chaos around here.

I don't know, Carol, I mean

people start makin' rules

and then they expect
people to follow 'em

and, and nasty pattern develops.

Don't you have
any rules you follow?

One, never operate a chainsaw

after you take a cold pill.

Frank, look,
kids need structure

that's why we have
to set boundaries.

You know, you could be right.

Maybe that's just
what the kids need.

No, I'm not saying
it's just for the kids

I expect you
to follow them too.

Me?

Carol, I don't like rules.

Well, it's not like
it's a punishment or something

I mean, there are rewards.

Yeah?

Like what rewards?

Well, like,
rule number 11.

Yeah?

Lights out at 10 o'clock.

I like that rule.

Penny, what's wrong?

I just think if they're gonna
have a family meeting

I should've been invited.

I mean,
I work in the beauty shop

I eat here, I get my calls here

I practically live here.

Maybe that's what
the meeting is about.

- Hi, grandma.
- Hi, Dana.

Hiya, Penny.
Mom needs her pointer.

How's thefamilymeetinggoing?

It would go a lot better if we
got rid of the other family.

They cannot seem to grasp
the concept of house rules.

House rules?

So that's what the meeting
is all about?

Yeah. What did you think
it was about? You?

Why would I think that?

Thank you. Now.

This color-coded chart
describes

everybody's chores
for the week.

Any questions?

- Yes, Brendan.
- What's a chore?

This meeting.

What, you think
this is fun for us?

I'd rather do something
a lot more meaningful.

Yeah, like her hair.

Okay, okay, let's just
put this chart aside.

And we will go to Chart 11B

"The collection
and distribution of laundry."

'Now, as you can see'

I have divided the house
into three groups.

Group number one will be
Karen, J.T. and Frank.

Group number two will be
Dana, myself and Mark.

Sorry.

And group number three
will be Brendan and Al.

Now, if you inadvertently
put your clothes

in the wrong hamper..

...you can
reclaim them during the..

"...sorting process."

Yes.

Honey, is this gonna
take much longer?

I drank an awful lot of coffee.

Well, then we'll just
move right ahead

to the general rules
of the house.

Now, rule number one

everyone has to make
his or her own bed.

Rule number two,
breakfast is served promptly

at 7:30, dinner at 6:30 p.m.

Great, and in between

we can make license plates.

Al.

Rule number three, bathroom time

everyone will be limited
to 12 minutes.

Why do they even need
the bathroom?

Don't they just
lick themselves clean?

Okay, rule number four,
TV watching.

Everyone is allowed six hours

of television watching
per week.

- What? Six hours per week?
- What? Come on!

Okay, okay,
settle down, settle down.

Now, these tickets..

...are good
for one half hour of TV.

What happens if you
use up all your tickets?

Then you'll just
have to read a book.

Man!

But, if you have any tickets

left over
at the end of the week

'you get a gold star
per ticket.'

If you have ten gold stars

you get two dollars extra
added to your allowance.

Wow!

No, no, believe me, it adds up.

I invested in a nice
little mutual fund

that pays
an attractive dividend.

You know what? You're boring.

I know.

Who are you calling boring,
pig breath?

Pig breath?

How'd you like to wake up
in the group three hamper?

Now, wait a minute,
this meeting is not over.

It is for us, dad.

- We're out of here.
- Yeah.

What? Now,
wait a minute, you guys.

This couldn't take longer
than a couple more hours.

Well, this is a disaster.

No, I still think
the rules will work.

I was talking
about your marriage.

J.T. look

we have to talk
about these house rules.

Okay, they stink.

Well, that's a start.

You wanna see if we can keep
this dialogue rollin'?

Dad, we never had
any rules in our house

and look how good
I turned out.

J.T...

...Al and Brendan
look up to you.

Why, I don't know,
but...if you go along

with these rules,
maybe they will too.

Dad, do I have to?

- I'll make it worth your while.
- Really?

Yeah, now, you know
those high-tops

that I promised you?

You don't do this,
you don't get 'em.

Let me get this straight.

I have to go along with this

to get something
I was already gonna get?

- You got it.
- That is totally unfair.

Well, hey, keep this up,
you won't get

something else
I was gonna get ya.

Ten seconds, Karen.

'I hate this.'

Hey, I don't make the rules.

Come out now or I'm coming in.

Wow!

That is a really
good look for you.

You're an insect.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Aren't you going
to hang that up?

I wasn't planning on it.

- What are you doing?
- Watching the game.

It's homework time, we're
not supposed to watch TV.

So don't watch.

You know, you need
an attitude adjustment.

Yeah, you wanna try
to adjust it for me?

- Love to.
- You and what army?

Wait, wait, guys,
tell me something here.

Is there going to be fighting?
Because I just did my nails.

What is your problem?

Nothing, really.
Just you, her.

This room.

This house. These rules.

Other than that, you're fine?

I'm better then fine.

In fact, everything
around here is fine.

This is fine.

This is fine.

This is fine.

These are fine.
These are fine.

- These are fine--
- Hey, hey, hey! Al!

Knock it off.

Look, we all hate these rules,
but if you're gonna live here

you're gonna have
to live by 'em.

Great.

Then I'm not gonna live here.

Carol, quick,
turn on the TV

the World series is on,
it's the bottom of the night

and the bases are loaded.

Frank, do you have a TV ticket?

TV ticket?

Of course not, I used all mine
up on the monster truck rally.

Frank, Frank, Frank,
I know it's important to you

but you don't wanna set
a bad example.

Well..

Hello, Brendan.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to have
an extra TV ticket, would you?

Yep, I got four.

Four.

Um..

You wanna give one
to your old pal dad?

No, I'm saving them
to watch Dumbo.

Dumbo? What's to watch?

He's an elephant and he flies,
no big deal.

- Hi, guys.
- Karen.

Karen.

Would you have
an extra TV ticket?

- I think so, let me see.
- Yes!

Eyeliner, lip gloss,
nail polish.

Misty plum, I was wondering
where I put that.

Give me the bag..

- Frank?
- Honey, just one ticket.

Mark.

Hey, pal, I'm desperate,
the World Series is on

I'll pay you a dollar
for a TV ticket.

Frank, the play-offs
are a dollar

World Series is five.

- Well, I won't pay.
- Fine, read about it.

Mark.

Mom, it's not personal,
it's business.

Well..

Alright, alright.

Five dollars, here.

Yeah!

There.

'Wow, that was
really something.'

'A triple play'

'and the World Series is over.'

'It has to be the greatest play
I have seen'

'in 50 years of broadcasting.'

'Well, see you next year.'

I'm sorry, no refunds.

Carol.

- Can I see you in the kitchen?
- Sure, honey.

Are you crazy?

That was the World Series.

It was something
that I've spent six months

looking forward to.

And I had to buy a ticket
to watch it

from a scalper who's your son!

You seem upset.

I'm way past upset.

You have a rule for everything.

When to eat? Where to eat?
What to eat?

I haven't eaten in four days

I'm so worried about
breaking your rules.

Would you control yourself,
Frank?

How can I control myself?

I can't even watch TV
in my own house.

And I think I'm wearing
Brendan's underwear.

Brendan is not even
in your group.

You're bananas, you know that?

Your porch light's on,
but nobody's home.

Your elevator doesn't go
to the top floor!

Frank, I don't care
what you say, these rules work.

Now, look at J.T., there is
a kid who needed boundaries.

He needed high-tops.

I bribed him.

I don't believe it.

Honey, your rules are
driving everybody crazy.

Excuse me.

As much as I hate
to break up a fight

that could split you two up
and free me

from this living hell..

...there's something I think
you should know about Al.

What, is it bad news?

Depends on your perspective.

She's totally fed up with
the rules and she's moving out.

I think it's good news.

I'd, better go talk to her.

She's out on the porch
waiting for a cab.

No, wa-wait.

Frank, wait.

You know, she's out there
because of me, I feel terrible.

Do you mind if I go talk to her?

No, honey, go ahead.

So, Frank.

Did you see that game?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I heard you're leaving.

You heard right.

So, where are you going?

I'm going to live with
my grandma in Milwaukee.

She only hasonerule.

Don't drink from the glass
she keeps her teeth in.

So, I guess there are a lot
of kids there your age?

Not really.

She lives in one of those

old people trailer parks.

But that's okay, 'cause,
I'll have my own room.

Well, that's nice.

And I guess there's lots
for you to do there?

Yeah.

There's, Bingo
and Shuffleboard.

And on Saturdays, a van comes by

and takes everybody's
blood pressure.

Sounds great.

Yeah.

I'm gonna love it there.

It's okay, sweetheart.

It's okay.

You know, Al, you can stay here

we can work this out.

No, no, I,
I think I-I better go.

Yeah, but, Al,
leaving is not the answer.

It would just break your
father's heart, and mine too.

You belong here.

Well, I don't feel
like I belong here.

I feel like
everything I do is wrong.

Yeah.

I've been feeling like that
these days too.

- You?
- Yeah.

I think I might have gone
a little over the edge

with these rules.

No, no, no, no,
you went way over the edge.

Yeah, well, I just try to make
the house run more smoothly

and I thought these rules
would bring everyone together.

They did.

We all hate 'em.

Yeah.

Guess these rules
are a pretty bad idea?

Well, they weren't all bad.

So, so, you would go along
with some rules?

Some. Not the dumb ones.

Yeah, see, but I guess
that's my problem

I'm not sure which ones
are the dumb ones.

Well, I could show you
in a minute.

You got a minute?

Yeah.

They'll never make it.

It'll be 6:30 in exactly..

- Five, four, three, two..
- Four, three, two..

Frank, you made it.

Piece of cake.

Well, isn't this nice,
here we are

finally sitting down
together as a family.

What could be better than this?

Well, we could be having dinner

and watching
the space shuttle land.

Is that on now?

Touchdown is scheduled
for 6:33

weather permitting.

What the heck.
Break the rule.

Yeah, you're right.

No fries on the furniture.

- Carol, Carol..
- Yeah.

You know, when you break
a rule like that..

- It really turns me on.
- Yeah?