Step by Step (1991–1998): Season 1, Episode 22 - Beauty Contest - full transcript

[theme music]

[squeals]

Come on, boy. You can do it.

One step at a time.

Perhaps, stair climbing
is not instinctual

to the porcine family.

No, no, Boyd can learn this.

- Pigs are very smart animals.
- True.

Perhaps, you just have
an unusually stupid one.

Hey, you can call me stupid.

You can call my family stupid.



But lay off the pig.

You're right. Pigs are smart.

Studies have shown,
if an animal is unable to learn

the fault lies with the trainer.

Oh, really?

Let me show you
how good of a trainer I am.

If you're not upstairs
in the next three seconds

I'm gonna make your nose
look just like Boyd's.

Bye.

There, now,
see how easy that was.

[theme song]

[screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪



♪ What would be the future ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord
I think I found someone ♪

♪ You know it will be better ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
putting it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪

♪ We got the kids and the clan ♪

♪ Only time will tell 'em ♪

♪ If all these dreams
fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step day by day ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh! Oh, honey. You'll
never guess what happened.

First tell me
how fast you were going

when you hit that duck.

Oh! Oh, no. I just
came from a Lodge meeting.

And I was just elected
first deputy Grand Mallard.

Wow! I-is that a good thing?

Oh, honey,
that's a great thing.

That means, I'm second
in the pecking order.

No Lambert
has ever flown so high.

And one of my first
responsibilities

is to MC the Lodge's annual

mother-daughter
beauty contest.

Alright.

Frank, that's wonderful!

I've been wanting
to enter that pageant

ever since I realized
I was beautiful.

[chuckles]

A beauty pageant?

Why would anybody wanna
put themselves on display

like a piece of meat?

Come on now, Dana.

This is not just
some beauty pageant

where a bunch of bimbos
walk around in swimming suits.

Ah, man,
then what's the point?

Frank is right.
I mean, it's not just looks.

Talent is a big part
of the overall score.

Plus the daughter makes a speech
that's evaluated on content.

Oh, mom, we can't lose.

Wait a second, wait a second

I never said I was entering.

Mom, we have to.

It's the perfect preparation
for my modelling career.

Last year's winner,
Lisa Carter has already done

two auto shows,
a seed catalogue

and is thinking
about moving to Milwaukee.

Milwaukee,
all of Paris hold it's breath

to see what Milwaukee
is wearing this season.

Carol, come on now,
it's for a good cause.

A- all the proceeds
go to charity

and the winning daughter

gets a savings bond
for college.

What an honor? The Toni Home
Permanent scholarship.

You really want this,
don't you, Karen?

[giggles]

Oh, what the heck.

Oh, thanks, mom.

I'm gonna go practice
smiling sincerely.

Ugh, I never
should have bought her

that Brooke Shields doll.

Mom, I cannot believe you are
gonna enter a beauty contest.

Well, this isn't
my first contest, you know?

You ever hear of Miss Small
Curd Cottage Cheese, 1974?

You're kidding, mom.
You won?

Well, I didn't win actually

but I was first runner-up.

Well, wait a minute,
w- what'd the winner had

that you didn't?

Bigger curds.

Wow!

- Hey, everybody!
- Oh, hey, Cody. Great news.

Guess who's gonna MC our Lodge's
mother-daughter beauty contest?

Oh.. Me!

No, Cody. Me.

[chuckles]
Alrighteous.

We are now inducting
new members

and now that you are old enough,
guess who is eligible?

You?

- No, Cody. You!
- No way!

Yeah, now, all you have to do
is come up with a good

initiation project
and pass the oral exam.

Oh, well,
the oral exam's no problem.

[chuckles]
Dude, I floss everyday.

[instrumental music]

- Okay, question number 53.
- False.

- Cody--
- True.

Alright, question number 54.

[sighs]

"When was the first
Mallard Lodge founded?"

- 1937.
- Right.

"Who was the first
Grand Mallard?"

Bucky Miller.

Who served from 1937

until his untimely death
in 1946

due to a hunting accident.

[clicks tongue]
And what did we Mallards learn

from this tragedy?

Never wear your duck hat
in a cornfield.

Hey, come on, now, pal,
you got all this

oral examination stuff down.

Now, what are you gonna do
for an initiation project?

That's the thing
that's gonna swing the judges.

[sighs]
Well, you know

I was thinking
of painting a mural

of prehistoric times, you know

when, uh,
man walked on all fours

and ducks ruled the planet.

[chuckles]

And all the lesser creatures
were cowering in fear because--

Uh, C-C-Cody.

Ducks never ruled the planet.

Well, they had
a lot of clout though, right?

You know, Code, uh,
I think this duck power mural

uh, might not be the way to go.

Oh, I read you, Uncle Frank,
too controversial, huh?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

[humming]

Now remember, when the judges
are looking at you, smile.

- Okay.
- But don't smile too big.

[chuckles]
You don't wanna look toothy.

Karen, it just so happens

that many great women
have been toothy.

Mom's right.
Look at Eleanor Roosevelt.

Exactly! And how many
beauty contests did she win?

You're right, Karen. None.

She was wasting
her time helping

the poor and downtrodden.

Well, I'm not gonna
make that mistake.

- Carol? Carol?
- 'Yeah?'

Where do I go
to get an application

for the mother-daughter
beauty pageant?

- At the Lodge. Why?
- I've decided to enter.

Oh! Great!

I've been trying
to talk her out of it.

Mom, could you
be more supportive?

This pageant is important to me.

Since when?

Since I found out
that I'd be struttin' my stuff

for a room full of single men.

Well, let's boogie.

[chuckles]

Okay, mom.
Let's work on your posture.

Oh, Karen, come on.

Let's stop talkin'
about our looks

and concentrate
on the talent competition.

Now, what are your talents?

I can French braid my own hair.

Whoa, forget the Mallard Lodge

let's take you
straight to Broadway.

No, Karen,
I was thinking that you and I

could do tap dance
number together.

You used to take tap
when you were little.

- But, mom, I'm rusty now.
- Oh, you'll be great.

Now, you just watch me
and copy what I do.

You remember the time step,
right?

Okay, just start
with your right foot, okay?

[scatting]

Okay? Now, you try.
Five, six, seven, eight.

Hey, mom, I've got an idea.

Maybe, while you tap, Karen
can French braid your hair.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Smile. They're judges.

Not so toothy.

Excuse me. Do you know
where the ladies' room is?

Yeah, I saw a sign
right down that hallway there.

Oh, thank you.

Mother, what are you doing?

You're helping the enemy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Karen,
you're right.

Maybe, we should go spy on them.

Find out what kind
of make-up they're using.

Good idea.

[sighs]
Ooh! Oh, excuse me.

Aah, if all
this year's contestants

are as gorgeous as you
it's gonna be tough

to declare a winner.

Well, thank you.

Ah, and you have got
a beautiful smile.

Yeah? It's not too toothy?

Oh, not at all.

I like a woman
with a healthy set..

...of teeth.

[laughs]

Yeah, right. Well,
if, uh, you'll excuse me, uh..

- Howard.
- Howard, yes.

I'm gonna go
fill out these forms.

Oh, a mere formality, you se

uh, I'm one of the judges.

You already got my vote.

Don't you think you oughta
see the other contestants?

I'd rather see
a whole lot more of you.

- Uh, look, I'm married.
- Oh.

It doesn't bother me
if it doesn't bother you.

Well, it does bother me.
So, cool it.

Oh, how can I stay cool
when you look so hot?

Well, maybe this will help.

Oh!

Mother, that man was a judge.
We're gonna lose the contest.

No, we're not, Karen,
because I quit.

Mother? Ugh!

[instrumental music]

Just stop it, Karen.

Mom, I'm pleading.

I'm begging.

I'm whining.

You can't quit the pageant.

You didn't hear
what that judge said to me.

- Uh, what's goin' on?
- Oh.

One of your brother Mallards
made a pass at me.

So then mom totally lost it
dumped water all over him

and if that weren't bad enough
she quit the pageant.

- Well, who was it, hon?
- Some jerk named Howard.

Oh, Howard Gordon.

Honey, nobody takes him
seriously.

He's a harmless flirt. Now..

What did he say
that was so terrible?

He said he wanted
to see me naked.

He's a dead man.

Frank! Stop it!

Nobody talks to my wife
like that.

You're right.
The judge was way out of line.

But, mom,
I have to win. Please.

This is the most important thing
that's ever happened to me.

[sighs]
Oh..

If it means that much to you,
I'll stay in the pageant.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

But if that Howard
tries anything else

I'm setting Frank loose.

[grunts]

Just listen to me.
Winning isn't everything.

It's not worth
sacrificing your dignity

and self-respect for it.

Spoken like a true runner-up.

Oh, here it is, Uncle Frank.

[chuckles]
This is the project

that's gonna make me a Mallard.

And it's made out of one hundred
percent Wisconsin cheese.

Ha!

A duck made out of cheese.

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy.

Cody, you're a genius!

Hey, I prefer the term
"Cheese Whiz" myself.

Cody, your silhouette.

[chuckles]
Yeah, I know.

Hey, and I want you all
to come out to my van

and have ice-cream
and celebrate.

Well, do you have
enough for everybody?

[sighs]
I have six gallons.

Well, see, I was gonna make
the duck out of fudge ripple

but my hands kept
freezing up, you know?

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

And now, finally
the mating call

of the Mallard Drake.

[quacking]

[Cody]
Yeah.

Cody, that was
a great mating call.

If I were a female mallard
I'd be smokin' a cigarette.

- 'Just do your part.'
- 'Okay.'

And now, my initiation project.

Which I like to call,
my initiation project.

[quacking]

Whoa! Gnarly head wound.

- Is this some sort of a joke?
- Uh, uh, no.

Uh, no,
your exalted featherness.

Of course not.

What fledgling Cody was trying

to say is that, um, um

until man is accepted
into Mallard membership

uh, man is i-incomplete.

Uh, you know,
form without substance

uh, a metaphorical duck
flapping his wings

in a, a flockless void.

I said all that?

Hey, I knew
about the flockless void

but, boy, where did I get all
the rest of that stuff?

[chuckles]

Y- yeah, and it's made of cheese.

Wait a minute.

Bring food to a meeting?

That's a great idea.

All those in favor
of making Cody a Mallard

quack "Aye."

[quacking]

Today, I am a duck.

[quacking]

[instrumental music]

Mom. Mom? Mom?

[Cody applauding]

[instrumental music]

Wasn't that i-interesting?

Let's hear it
for Penny and Ivy Baker.

[applauding]

And now, to end the talent
portion of our competition

it's my privilege
to introduce the talented

the lovely Carol Lambert
and her daughter Karen.

[applauding]

[piano music]

[tapping]

[music continues]

[tapping]

♪ He was a famous trumpet man
from out Chicago way ♪

♪ He had a boogie style
that no one else could play ♪

♪ He was the top man
at his craft ♪

♪ But then his number came up
and he was gone with the draft ♪

♪ He's in the army now
a blowin' reveille ♪

♪ He's the boogie woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪

♪ A-toot a-toot
a- toot-diddleyada-toot ♪

♪ He blows it eight-to-the-bar
in boogie rhythm ♪

♪ He can't blow a note
unless the bass and guitar ♪

♪ Is playin' with him ♪

♪ He makes the company jump
when he plays reveille ♪

♪ He's the boogie woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪

[tapping]

[applauding]

♪ A-toot a-toot
a- toot-diddleyada-toot ♪

♪ He blows it eight-to-the-bar
in boogie rhythm ♪

♪ He can't blow a note
unless the bass and guitar ♪

♪ Is playin' with him ♪

♪ He makes the company jump
when he plays reveille ♪

♪ He's the boogie woogie
bugle boy of Company B ♪♪

[applauding]

Well, now the moment
we've all been waiting for.

The finalists in this year's

Mom and Miss Mallard are..

[piano music]

Thank you, Chelsea.

Doris Winters
and her daughter Arlene.

[applauding]

And Carol Lambert
and her daughter Karen.

[applauding]

Now, now, to determine
the winner in this competition

each teenage contestant
will give a speech

about what being
Miss Mallard means to her.

We start first with Arlene.

[applauding]

I would like to win
the title of Miss Mallard

because the Mallards
have a strong tradition

'of community service.'

Hey, beautiful.

You got it all sold out.

All you gotta do is,
uh, go out with me this weekend.

- What?
- Well, you heard me.

You go out with me and, uh,
I'll swing the vote your way.

And if I don't go out with you?

Well, aah..

...then you can kiss
Miss Mallard title goodbye.

Thank you.
And may the best girl win.

[applauding]

And now, it's a pleasure
to introduce our next contestant

because she's my stepdaughter.

Karen.

[applauding]

Thank you.

I'm honored to be here tonight.

As a future supermodel..

...I would be proud to have
Miss Mallard be the first step

on my runway
to fame and fortune.

Actually, I'm not proud..

...I'm ashamed.

Ashamed of myself
and of this pageant.

I think you all should know

that two of
the three judges here

have behaved in a way that give
beauty pageants a bad name.

The other day,
that sleazebag Howard

'made a pass at my mother.'

And just a moment ago

that junior sleazebag hit on me.

He said the only way I could win

is if I went out with him.

I would love to win this pageant

but my mother taught me
that nothing is worth the cost

of my self-respect and dignity.

If I can't win fair and square

then the title of Miss Mallard

loses all it's luster.

So, as difficult
as this is for me

I'm withdrawing
from the competition.

[crowd gasping]

Foul!

[chuckles]
Whoa! What?

Fowl? Duck? Get it?

[chuckles]

A- anyway, foul.

I'm ashamed
of my fellow Mallards.

These judges
have acted abdominally.

Now..

...I think we all let
the audience decide who wins.

Huh? Come on. What do you say?

[applauding]

Carol, come on out.

Doris, Arlene.

Alright then, by your applause

should the winners be..

Doris and Arlene?

[applauding]

Or Carol and Karen?

[cheering]

We have our winners.

This year's
Mom and Miss Mallard

Carol Lambert
and her daughter Karen.

[applauding]

[piano music]

Uh, Howard, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Hey, you too,
junior sleazebag.

Hold it right there.
Where are we going?

It doesn't matter.
You won't remember it anyway.

[applauding]

[music continues]