Stage Crush (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript

Are you sure we shouldn't
have read 'Autumn'?

It's a play about dementia,

what theater would want
to produce it?

I love you.
-Great.

I really love you.
You know how I know?

How?

Because you're not hot

I meant to send it
to someone else.

Don't send it at all!

You know you could lose
your job because of that?

I already have.



Opening night
is in one week,

so if the next run
is no good,

I'll have you replaced

and you'll be out
the frickin' door.

What are you doing,
are you crazy?

No, it's nothing.

You're nothing.

Buddha, switch sides with me.

I close my eyes and go
to a tiny, pure place in my heart

that was fortunate enough to meet
the pure place in your heart.

I can't stop thinking about you.

Just kidding,
just kidding, just kidding.

Do you like him disturbing her
while she's sleeping?

Do you have a better idea?



Did you put sweetener in mine?
-Yes. -Thanks.

Yes, he should disturb her
while she's masturbating, it's funnier.

Everything with you
is about masturbating

and poo and beards.
-Okay.

We will lose half of the audience.

Okay, fine.

Is it four or five years?

What?

Were we together
for four or five years?

Five.
-Five, right? Yes.

Because I noticed
the milk expired on February 22nd,

which is today, right?

Yes,
today's the 22nd.

Come on, silly, it's the 22nd.

What about the 22nd?

Nothing, I just saw the date
on the milk and remembered

that today is our 5th anniversary.
That's it.

Congratulations.
-Congratulations.

When we were together
we never celebrated it,

but it's a whole different story
after we broke up. -Right.

Let's send flowers.

But why do you date it
from February 22nd?

I kept the receipt.

What receipt?

The drugstore receipt,
where you wrote down your number.

You kept the receipt?
No fuckin' way.

It's in your wallet?

No way.

Ta-da.
-No way.

Suddenly I'm not the Tin Man,
I do have a heart.

I'm very surprised.
-Surprise!

You surprised me. Here, you keep it.
-Thanks.

I don't count from there.

Why not?

It was our first month,
it was a difficult month.

If you don't count
the difficult months,

you'll be left with one week.

Why count that month?

There was no
emotional connection.

Did you have sex with
someone else during that month?

There was...

a little overlapping.
That's all.

Just until I realized
I was totally in love with you.

That's funny.

Who was it?
Never mind,

I don't really care.

I may have sensed it.

Oh, come on,
what did you sense?

I felt that our relationship got off
on the wrong foot.

Oh, please.
-No, excuse me...

Yes?
-It started with a lie.

That's all there is...
-You're way off.

We buttoned-up wrong
from the start

and it all came out wrong.
-Don't give me that button bullshit,

-Why not?
-No! No!

A month after we met
I was totally in love,

I didn't commit adultery or lie,

so don't make up excuses
for not wanting me.

I would've had six kids with you,

so what if I had sex once with Nir Barami...
-I knew it!

I knew it.
-You're a real private eye.

I'd've bet a million bucks that...
-What an insight!

That snake!
-Nir Barami is...

Don't do that again.

Okay?

I'm not there anymore.
-Of course.

Sure, yes.

Oh, here she is.

Good morning.

Should I tell her?
-What?

Yes.
-Asking me to keep a secret

is like asking a whore to keep
her legs closed. -What?

Nothing. -What?
-Nothing. -What?

The next play to be done
at Hamishkan Theatre

is called 'Autumn'

written by someone named
Iris Schtiebel.

Please turn off
your mobile devices...

No way. Really?
-Come here.

Oh my god.

You deserve it, solnishka.

We have a brand new
playwright-in-residence on our hands, huh?

Yes.

When do you want
to start rehearsals?

Wrap up the comedy first

then you'll start rehearsals.

It's serious material,

there's a serious director.

We'll need a lot of time
for rehearsals.

Well, I don't want to disturb you here...

Congratulations, Tzutz.

Isn't this crazy?
-It is.

Thank you.

Listen, I didn't tell you

because I know
you don't like the play...

Sure, sure.

I think we should get started.

Wait a second.

Did want me to suggest you
be the director?

No, of course not.

You're sure, right?

Yes, the wedding was amazing, thanks.

Even though it's expensive,
for our honeymoon I thought...

Ilia, why is my neck mic on?

Sorry, my mistake.

I turned it on by mistake,
sorry.

Okay. Stas, stop your work here.
Come on.

I want to get started.

We're going to start cue to cue.

Ofer, cue-to-cue is when...
-Go on, go on.

It's okay, he knows.

So we really need to focus

be patient,
and no talking.

Regarding all the...
-Excuse me.

Eyal and Ilia have joined us
for sound and lighting,

So please, guys,

Only I do the talking, okay?
Let's start.

-Yes.
-Here. -Thanks.

Tomer.
-Okay.

Okay, let's start.

Here we go.

Actors off the stage.

Do you have boxes
in the preset?

Yes.

Just one sec.
Am I supposed to feel bad?

Because you seem...
-No, not at all.

We're good, right?
-Yes.

Okay, lights...

Let's say the pre-show
announcement is over.

Fade to black.

Actors on stage.

First music cue.

And lights.

Tzutz, look.

What?

Our own apartment,
what do you think?

It's ours.
It's a good apartment.

You think we made a mistake?

Just one sec,
sorry for driving you crazy,

but I'm freaking out,
it looks like you're mad at me.

Stop it. -I don't understand.
-You're disturbing me.

I don't, do you? -I...
-Okay, I'm sorry.

I... Yes.

Guys, hold a sec.

It doesn't cost money
to act well.

Is this a technical rehearsal
or an acting rehearsal?

Maya, you can act well
in a technical rehearsal too.

Thank you.
From the top.

Why from the top, Tomer?

Ofer, I said only I'd be
doing the talking today.

Okay? Thank you.
From the top.

Black.

Black.

Black. Black!
Ilia, what's going on?

Black! -Sorry, sorry, it's me.
-Fine.

Actors on stage.

First music cue.

Excuse me?

I'll just take
a minute of your time...

Just a sec, apologies.

Oh, the couch director,
what was your name again?

Tomer. -Tomer, can I have a minute
of your time? -No problem, Shlomo.

Thank you. Iris,

I don't know if you know, but...

my late mother
had dementia

and to read
such a brave play about old age,

it's like you wrote
that marvellous part just for me.

You can say many things about me,
but I hardly flatter.

I just want to say that...

I can't remember the last time
I was so touched by a play...

it's an incredible play.

Can I give you a hug?

Of course.

Thank you.
-Sorry for interrupting.

Tomer, thanks so much,
Apologies.

-Oh my god.

I've never seen Shlomo like that.

Gave me goosebumps.
-Me too.

That's the play
you were telling me about.

Okay.
Please start the scene.

Stay where you are.

You're already here,

the lights are on,
there's music.

Not now, Ilia!

Lights, please. Thank you.
Start the text, please.

Tzutz, look.
-What?

Our own apartment,
what do you think?

It's ours, yes.

You think
we made a mistake?

With the apartment?

What do you think
about them switching places?

It's a good apartment.

What?
-It's a good apartment.

Nothing.

You want them to switch places?

Yes?

Do you know how to direct this?

Go ahead.

Never mind, I'm sorry.

You don't want to?
-No, I don't.

No?

I just suggested that...

Don't tell me, tell them.

Do it, do it, do it.

Cool.

Ofer, would you mind
switching places with Maya?

It'll make your entrance longer
and will look nicer.

You go all the way...
-No, we're not trying this,

it won't look nicer.
Okay, out, black.

Why?
-Out! From the top! Black, please!

Black!

Ilia, how many times
do I have to ask for black?

He went out for a smoke.
I'll go get him.

Forget it. Come back,
you're already here.

Pick it up.

Start the text.
Lift up the box.

Text.
-Tzutz, look.

What?
-Our own apartment.

Did I do something to you?

Please,
you're interrupting my work.

Your work?
I'm working, too.

Maya, text.
-No, really. -Go ahead.

Tzutz, look.
-What?

Our own apartment.
-Why is it an idiotic idea?

Because I thought of it?
-No, because it's an idiotic idea.

You're worried
about aesthetics now?

Why not?
-Because it's not important

where they're standing.
It doesn't matter.

As long as they stand there
and start the text!

Text, please!
-Yes.

Tzutz, look.
-What?

Our own apartment, what do you think?
-It's ours. It's a good apartment.

But you're in love with him!
What is your problem?

You've just moved in together,
isn't that clear?

You love him,
it's the beginning of your relationship,

before the shit starts,

why is it so hard
to act like you're in love?

What's going on?
-We're back! -Great, thank you.

I can make a comment.
-Not in the middle of a technical rehearsal.

Don't yell at me. -Not in the middle
of a technical rehearsal.

Fine.

Then I'll put all of my comments
in a huge file

and share them with you on Google Drive.
-Great.

But I'll put all the comments
I have for you in general, okay?

Print them out for me, okay?

So I can shove them up my ass!

Okay...

Sorry.

Let's get Groshovsky so he can
show you how to direct this play.

Get out.
-You wish.

I'm asking you to get out.

In your dreams.
-I'm asking you to get out.

Stop... Stop talking.
Don't touch...

Do not touch me!

Please turn off
your mobile devices...

What's going on?
-My mistake.

Be grateful I wrote you a play
that's easy to direct.

Make her stop talking.
-You should be able to handle it.

-Is it too hard for you?
-I can't stand hearing her.

What?
-I can't stand her voice.

I hate her, I can't...
-Oh yeah?

Then why did you kiss me?
-What?

Why did you kiss me?
-Mistake! Big mistake!

Then don't make mistakes.
Don't make mistakes!

Mistake... It was a mistake
I ever met you. -Oh yeah?

Sweetie, calm down.
-You stay the hell away from me.

I've had enough of you.

Mistake...

She's leaving.
Go after her.

Go, go after her.

My love,

you're an important actor,
you know that, don't you?

The theater is dead without
actors like you.

I've had a rough week.
-Yes, I know.

There was one performance

with an understudy

and it confused me, that's all.

Ezra...

There's no problem, I'm..
I'm fine.

I swim every morning,

I still do pantomime, you know.

Yes. I'd like to suggest...
-Yes?

That you take some time off.
-Time off?

Then we'll see how you feel.
-What time off?

What do you mean,
I seem confused?

Who's talking about me?
-It doesn't matter, Ezrachka.

Who, stagehands? Actors?

Itzik?

The audience.

Ezra, the audience can notice it.

Vera, I can't work like this.
I'm telling you.

I cannot work like this!

How dare you barge in here!

Can't you see
there's someone sitting here?

Okay, sorry,
but I'm telling you,

I'm not going back there
if she's there!

Forgive me, Ezra.

That's it.
I can't direct a play like this.

What happened?
-Nothing happened.

But it's either me or Iris.
Period.

Tomer, don't say things at night
that you'll regret in the morning.

I'm saying it like it is,
I can't work like this.

That's it. I can't,

I can't work like this!

What do you mean, time off?

Nice. An unexpected move.

Eyal, Ilia,
let's rehearse on our own.

Come on, Eyal,
the play opens next week.

It's the season finale.
-What are you watching?

'Love Under Fire'.
-Are you kidding?

Let's go,
I'll tell you how it ends.

No, no, no.

Don't tell me,
it's almost over.

I feel like time
is working against me,

it hurts more and more.

They always say that
the death of heroes is a worthy death,

and I ask, worthy of what?

After all, you were a hero
when you were alive, too.

What is this scene?

My darling Ron,
I promise I'll never forget you.

Your smile, your funny walk,

how you loved hot cocoa
in the winter...

He's dead.
-Wow, what a twist.

They killed me?

Unpredictable, totally unpredictable.
-Look at this.

I love you, my Ron,
I don't know how I'll go on.

The day before Ron died,
I asked him,

"Do you promise
to watch out for yourself?"

And he replied as he always did...

You didn't know?

"I swear, pinky promise..."

What did you think
they'd do, Ofer? It was obvious.

The Hezbollah could've
abducted me or something,

to keep the door open
for another season.

Come on, let's go upstairs
and go over the cues.

That's it, it's the end,
nothing happens afterwards.

Come upstairs.

They didn't tell you?

Assholes.

What a fucked-up profession.

You know...

As time goes by,

the less I understand
this profession.

But don't worry,
you'll do many more shows

and so many more plays,
it'll make you sick.

Wait, is it because of the...

pictures you sent
to someone there?

Who did you send them to?

The producer's wife.

You sent a picture to the wife of--

The producer of the show?

We had... a thing.

This is so fucked up.

This is not the first time that you...

Okay, I know.
-It doesn't...

make any sense.

What do you want from me, Shlomo?
-No, because you're an intelligent guy.

Okay, just give me a break.

Maybe...

you're addicted.

What?

I think you may be
addicted to sex.

And I think you're addicted to...

being crazy.
-No, you idiot.

I think you have a problem:
you're addicted to sex and need help.

What's 'addicted to sex'?
-Addicted,

you can't stop
even when you want to stop!

For God's sake,
how many times

can you insist on sending
a dick pic to the wrong woman?

You're shocked
they kicked you off the show?

Why would the producer want you back
if you had sex with his wife?

Would you want you back?

No.
-Of course not!

Fine, just breathe.

Hold on, let me think...

Unbelievable.

It's unbelievable.

Sorry. -Leave me alone.
-No, I'm sorry, it's...

Poor guy.

Tzutz, look,
our own apartment.

I was thinking of putting
the couch against the wall.

Yeah, I was thinking of putting
the couch over the wall.

I was thinking of putting
the couch over the wall...

Against the wall,
you idiot.

But we can't because
the colors are too cold

so I was thinking of putting it
against that wall...

Why would you
say something like that

in the middle of my wedding?

What?

Really, where in Tel Aviv?

Listen, I think
you need to talk to Vera

and try to get your shit together

because getting up and leaving
was way out of line.

I think you're wrong.

I'm just trying to help you.

Fine, I guess I can't help you.

Bye.

How you loved hot cocoa
in the winter...

I don't believe it.
-What happened?

He's dead. He's dead.

Yeah, I guess.

Why is he dead?

He was good.

Why is he dead?
-Oh, sweetie.

It's not fair, I should've
never watched this stupid show.

Oh, sweet girl.

Listen, this guy is so alive,
you have no idea.

There's really no reason to cry.

I know that Ofer Marciano
the actor isn't dead, but...

he's dead.

Ron.

Okay, but you know...
Sweetie,

that's what's nice
about TV characters,

you can watch the previous episode
and he'll be alive again.

But I know he'll die in the end
and it ruins everything.

So what if you know
he dies in the end,

we all know
we'll die in the end,

does it ruin everything for us?

Yes, it ruins everything.

Just a sec.

You're alive.

Something like that.

I want you to meet Sara,
my neighbor.

Hi, nice to meet you,
I'm Ofer.

She loves 'Love Under Fire'.

Nice.

Want to take a picture with me, Sara?
Great.

You're so sweet.
Is that your phone?

Why are you so sad?
Be happy. Come on.

Smile.

There you go.
You're so sweet.

Maybe Sara can go home now?

I need a few minutes with Iris.

Too bad you're dead.

You don't have to.
-It's okay.

Sara...

Ofer, no...
-Wait! -Do me a favor.

Feel my heart.

It never beat like this before.

Okay.
-I have a problem, Iris, I know it.

What I did at the wedding
was a leftover of the past.

I really do want something else.
-What do you want? -Everything.

Everything including everything.
-Really? -Everything.

Give me your phone for a sec.
-What for?

Just give it to me.

Here, whatever you want.

Let's look at something together, okay?
-Sure.

Okay.
Here we go.

Irit flight attendant.

"Are you in the country?"

Einav from Holon.

"I miss your ass,
can you send me a reminder?"

What else?

Michal, Yarden,

Dana from the gym.

No, Dana is...

I have to renew my membership.
-Okay.

Ofer, you're missing the point.
Here,

Neta, Karina's friend.

"I'm cumming."

It's... She's coming.
She's actually doing it.

But I'm the first to say that
I'm fucked-up.

These are texts from this week.

Just from this week.

I don't know what's wrong with you,

but I'm not the solution.

Help me.

Help me.

If you say no, I'll die.

You won't die.
-I'll die!

You won't die.
-I'm dead!

No, you won't.
-Give me that.

What?
-I'm burning this phone.

No, you're not.
-How do I turn the gas on?

You're being ridiculous.
-How do I turn the gas on?

Leave the gas alone, Ofer.

I'm burning this phone
with all the girls inside.

I don't need them.
Turn the gas on.

This is not cute.

No! Ofer! Stop it!
-Wait, wait.

Are you nuts?
Stop it!

It's okay.
-What are you doing?

Here, call BuzzFeed,
call E! Entertainment,

tell them
I sent you a dick pic.

What? -That I'm messing
with women from the theater.

Go on, ruin my career.
-Why?

Because I don't care!

I don't give a shit!

I've never loved anyone
like this before!

When did you have
the time to fall in love like this?

Why so over-the-top?
-Because it is over-the-top!

And that's how I feel!

What am I supposed to do?

Don't cry.

It's okay, sweetie.

I'm sorry, Iris.
-It's okay.

Come here.

What is this?

Are you nuts, what is this?

How did you just
show up in my life?

Okay.

All right.

Okay, all right.

Ofer...

Ofer... Tomer...
No, no, no,

No! What is this?
What is your problem?

What are you, the devil?
A sorcerer?

No, don't come near me!

Don't cross the line
of the couch.

Don't cross the line
of the middle of the couch.

Okay, you listen to me.

I have my own problems, okay?

We'll each deal
with our own problems, okay?

Now please leave.

Ofer, Ofer.

Can I just...

make you cum
one last time?

No.

Then I'll cum.

No.

Just cum.

I'm not interested.

Then let's take a shower.

No touching.

No.
-Then just let me wash you.

I took a shower this morning,
thanks.

Good morning.

Hello.

Good morning.

Let's make this short and sweet.

I assume you all know each other,
so no need for introductions.

Dovaleh agreed to come
and save us,

so he'll be our director...

For the next six days.

Be good and
no hassling him, okay?

I can't hear you.

Okay or not okay?
Great.

Good luck.
Dovaleh, good luck. -Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

All right.

Let's see what

you've done so far.