Spy (2011–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Codename: Tramp - full transcript

Right. Well, if
everyone's ready then.

My name is Paula, and I'm here to help
you all to get along a little better.

Good luck with that!

Oh, isn't he a little treasure?

Now Marcus, we're going to
meet here every few weeks,

and when it's time for me
to report back to the court

if your naughty Daddy has fail to show
that he can look after you properly,

then you'll go straight back to live
with your Mommy. Is that all clear?

Translucent.

Right. How have things been?

- Great.
- Appalling.



- General agreement.
- No agreement.

So what problems have
there been living together?

- May I?
- Yes, of course.

Thank you all
for coming here today.

This is obviously
a very difficult situation,

and I know you all want
what's best for the child.

- Nicely articulated, Marcus.
- Little bit pretentious.

How could I decribe
Tim's parenting skills?

- Exemplary?
- Feeble.

Tim is a dreadful father.

- Oh, that's not true.
- It is.

- He is always late.
- I object!

This isn't the courtroom, Tim.

- His cooking is abysmal.
- What?



Updated classics.
Gary Rhodes.

- The house is death trap.
- Terrifying.

Give me one example.

Okay, so there might be
a little tiny bit of snagging.

- And he has unsuitable friends.
- Right. Well, that's absolutely not true,

because I don't have
any friends. So, bad luck.

- Objection!
- Sustained!

I withdraw.

In summary, I humbly
request social services

allow me to live with
my mother and Philip.

I really don't want
to talk about Philip.

- No offense Philip.
- Don't worry about me, bro.

That was a very
impressive presentation.

It certainly was.
I want you.

- I'm sorry?
- Sorry, what?

You said you want me?

I don't think so.

- You disgust me, Tim.
- Sly goat!

Tim and I would never
enter into a relationship.

- No!
- God, no!

- A forbidden romance?
- Absolutely not!

Like an English patient.

- Never.
- Never.

- Very unlikely.
- Never!

- Watch this space.
- Ignore the space.

We will see!

But for now to help everyone
achieve their goals

I have prepared
this special chart.

Every time Daddy does something
good, you give him a gold star,

and every time he does something
bad, you give him a black star.

- That is genious!
- Not exactly scientific.

- It's for children, Tim.
- Still. Pretty meaningless.

Do you see how this works?

- I do.
- Unfairly.

- And Tim?
- Yes, Paula?

Do you know what I tell fathers?

Try and be a hero to your son.
It's that simple.

- That's not simple.
- Negative attitude.

Okay. Good.

Spy 1x02
Codename Tramp

Scan in progress.
Identified: Lewis Webster

- Uh, no no. It's Tim Elliott.
- Have a good day, Lewis!

Okay, come on!
Yeah yeah, sit anywhere.

So... first day!
You nervous?

- No, Sir!
- 'course you are.

Listen up people!
I am The Examiner.

It's a good title, isn't it?
Powerful.

Over the next few months you will be
undergoing extensive training

in all the key operational areas,
but I will repeat,

if anyone discovers
you work for MI5...

you're out of here.
Is that clear?

Yes, Sir!

I definitly haven't told anyone.

Now, what is the first
rule of weaponry?

- Safety!
- Restraint?

- Have fun!
- Really?

- You bet.
- I'd be going with safety.

Have you seen this stuff?
This is seriously cool.

Two way earpeaces, recordable pen,
smoke grenades. Check out the taser!

50,000 volts,
thank you very much.

Don't you just want to sink
that charge into someone?

- Only if the use of force is reasonable.
- But how's to say if it is reasonable?

The courts.

- Or is it us, Tim?
- No, it's the courts.

- It's a grey area.
- Not really.

But as long as we have fun, eh?
Am I right, or am I right?

- Legally you're not right.
- Absolutely spot on, Sir.

Good lad!

Okay, pair up, grab some gear, target
acquisition exercise in 30 minutes.

Oh, brilliant.

Have you located the target?

I am The Examiner. Powerful.

Oh, stop messing about, Alpha 1.

Sorry!

- I found it!
- Ah!

Yes, okay, I heard you Alpha 1.

Just get the bag and
bring it back to the RV.

- My bag!
- Woah!

- My bag, thank you.
- No, no it isn't.

It's evening bag.

Just ignore him
and let's go.

Okay, if it's your bag,
what's in it?

- Dog?
- A dog?

Microwave?

Do you need backup?

No, no, negative, negative.
I'm on my way. Over.

- You immigration?
- No, I'm not with immigration.

- You spy on me naked.
- Okay, bye bye.

- Oh, no, give me that back!
- Yes, spy!

No!

Alpha 1? Come in, Alpha 1!

Oh, that's, that's disgusting.

[Speaking Bulgarian]

Sorry!

Are you okay?

Thank God!

Come in!
Alpha 1?

Tim?

- It really is an incredible story, Tim!
- Stop it!

Are you kidding?
My viewers are going to love this.

Single father rescues
terrorised homeless man.

- Well, when you put it like that...
- And the thing that only just yesterday

you were just a pointless
civil service computer dweeb.

Yeah,
I wouldn't quite say...

- And now this huge local hero!
- Woo hoo! Come on!

This is ludicrous.

Your son must tell you all the time
how proud he is of you.

Oh, he does.

With his eyes.

- I assume this earned you a gold star?
- Not yet!

- Marcus!
- Well let's remedy that straight away.

Do you want to give your dad
a gold star for his bravery?

- Sadly we're all out of gold ones.
- I bought some more.

- How about that, Marcus?
- How about that, Marcus?

Well played, Tim.

And what about you, Jarek?

Can you still not remember
anything about the attack?

Nothing. One minute it's okay,
next minute it's blackness.

- Pity!
- Isn't it?

Well, if you do remember any of
the details, I would love to hear...

I think the viewers will have
forgotten by then.

- So, where will Jarek go now?
- Oh, no! It's very sad.

- I stay here.
- No! I dont think that's ideal.

- Ideal.
- Not really your call.

- That's an excellent idea.
- Perfect. Yes.

- And what do you think, Marcus?
- Can Jarek please stay with us, Daddy?

Please!

This is turning into a terrric story.

You know what? I'm going to fast
track you onto my show tomorrow.

- I beg you not to.
- Don't mention it, Tim!

Urgent toilet.

Again?

We're joined now in the studio
by single father, Tim Elliott,

who really does have an
extraordinary tale to tell.

Tim, welcome! Great to see you today.
Thank you so much for coming.

- Yeah, how are you?
- I'm watching it now.

A sort of Mother Teresa
meats Steven Seagal.

- And?
- Okay.

- You look a little...
- Fat, I know.

I was going to say effeminate, but
who cares? You're a bonafied hero!

This is going to get you
some serious action, dude!

- Really?
- Are you kidding?

For some women being heroic is
even more important than money.

You are a deeply cynical man.

- I'll see you later.
- Word.

- there was uh, smoke,
- I know him!

the breathing and a man.
Yes a-a homeless dirty man.

- A homeless dirty man?
- Yes.

Are we crazy?

One of us might be.

- This can't go on, Tim.
- Okay.

- And yet it must.
- Really?

- You can't put a name on this.
- Sexual harassment?

- Do you want me to lose my job?
- Increasingly, yes!

You must be strong for both of us.
Tell me what to do.

Leave me alone!

- I'd do anything you say.
- Leave me alone!

- Just say what.
- Leave me alone!

- Your silence says it all.
- Silence?

I know, baby. I know.

- So were you scared?
- No, sweetheart. I don't do scared.

Listen, this isn't just
my job, you know?

- This is uh... who I am.
- Excuse me!

Excuse me! Sorry!
Excuse me!

Oh, sorry, love! You alright?

Oi, Blue Thunder,
The Examiner wants you.

I'm sorry ladies, duty calls.

Yeah.

- Ah, Tim. Come in! Sit down.
- Thank you.

- Whisky?
- Uh, it's 10 am, Sir.

- Gin?
- I think I'm fine.

You know when I first started here, Tim
drinking was only allowed after hours.

But I changed that.
Do you want to know why?

You have a massive
drinking problem?

Because I am a Maverick, Tim
I do what needs to be done.

A man of action.

- I think you are too.
- Thanks.

- I like you, Tim.
- Thank you.

- Almost too much.
- A bit weird.

You showed tremendous
courage yesterday.

Yeah...

In a way.

Say, action man,
when are going to kill the hobo?

- I'm sorry?
- The Bulgarian.

- When are you going to punch his card?
- Not sure I understand.

Well, obviously we can't have this Jarek
creature discovering that you're MI5.

No, obviously.

So then when are you
going to terminate him?

I'm so sorry, I'm not
going to terminate him.

I get you.

- What?
- I get it.

Why are you winking?

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Well, you know winking is hard to
prove in one of your law courts, Tim.

Could be just a...

- twich.
- Is it?

Who knows.

- Alrighty.
- Okay.

Hey, give me the nod
when you need the cleaners.

- Oh, I won't need the cleaners.
- Oh, you going to need the cleaners.

Not going to need the cleaners.

- Hey, I hear you, Tim.
- Pretty sure you don't.

- You and I are the same, Tim.
- No, we're not.

Yeah, ruthless.
Ruthless man.

Get in there!

- You're looking guilty.
- I'm not.

No breakfast.
Jarek, a black star if you...

Na na na na na na!
Not so fast.

Here we are.

Two organic free range
Columbian Blacktail eggs

poached for 4 minutes
and 17 seconds.

Homemade soya and flax seed bread
and unsalted Venezuelan goats' butter.

- I'm not hungry.
- Good to know that now, thank you!

- I have?
- Knock yourself out!

No no no no no no.
Egg no good.

Oh dear!

- What?
- Again!

What you just want me to redo it?

No, I'm only homeless guy
you treat like rubbish.

No, no, no, it's fine!
I'll just redo it.

You fix wire. It's very dangerous.

Maybe you can have a little
look at that, while I'm at work.

Oh, so Jarek only
useful as house slave?

He Eastern European guy
so you treat like animal.

Why not you put saddle on back and ride
around kitchen like Yuri the moose?

[Speaking Bulgarian]

I quite agree.

Whoa! Hey!
Why two stars?

One for each egg.

I've to go to work.

- Toilet blocked again.
- 'course it is.

And we need more black stars!

Been like this all week,
He's a nightmare.

- So throw him out.
- I can't!

- Why not?
- Because!

I'll get more black stars.

Then Paula'll write up a bad report,
then I lose custody of Marcus.

Yes! I am your god
and you worship me. Say it!

No.

Will you talk to him?
He just ignores me.

- You want me to talk to a tramp?
- Yeah.

Why would I do that?

Because that's what
friends do for each other?

- No, I don't understand.
- Just talk to him, please!

I don't care where he goes,
I just whant him out.

Okay, on one condition.

Yes, fine, you are my God
and I worship you.

That's such a nice thing to say,

but I was actually going to ask you
to help me move that display.

Oh.

Aren't you supposed to
open up by now?

Yeah, look at them.
Imbeciles.

Go on, get!

So, could you make
any more noise?

If you wanted to get someone
out of your house,

um, how would you
go about doing that?

Probably ask him
to marry me.

Knowing my luck,
Jarek would probably accept.

Ah yes, your Bulgarian bromance.

- You live alone, dont you?
- Why?

Maybe Jarek could
come stay with you.

- Here you are.
- Aw!

I just got so much work to catch up on,
and I don't get any peace at home.

Dont worry,
I'm sure he'll leave soon.

I asked my friend, Chris
to talk to him, so...

- Well, there you go then.
- Yeah, you haven't met Chris.

Tell you what, if Chris has no success
I suppose I could always help you study.

- Really?
- Sure, why not?

- I could come study at your place.
- My place?

Yeah, it's... I thought
that's what you meant.

No. Yes, that is what I meant.
You come to mine.

Easy, I mean it's just a study session,
it's not like it's a date.

- How about Saturday night?
- Saturday?

Just that's when Marcus
stays with his mother.

Right.

That is such a relief.

Oh, I feel less anxious already.

Me too.

First may I say that my client
has enjoyed your company,

Thank you.

but he feels the current
situation cannot continue.

Why not?

Let's just say
irreconcilable differences.

However in recognition of
your contribution,

we are prepared to offer you
a very generous severance package.

That's not going to fly, Chris.

We think it's a pretty substantial
offer given the economic climate.

Fine. Well we'll just have to see what
the media make of it, when we disclose

the real circumstances
of Jarek's... accident.

- You mean?
- That's right, Chris.

We've known all along
that Tim fell on Jarek.

- You wouldn't dare.
- Try me.

Fine, £1000 and a one-way flight
to Bulgaria. On Ryanair.

- £2000 pound and a KLM flight.
- 1500, EasyJet.

- Bulk head seats.
- Regular seats, but priority boarding.

- Lunch.
- A sandwich.

- On board.
- You're dreaming!

Boots Meal Deal, and I don't introduce
our friend to UK immigration.

[Speaking Bulgarian]

My client also wants 13 litres of
industrial strength toilet cleaner.

Industrial!

Done. As long as your client's
out of the house within the hour.

Agreed.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me,
Hannah Montana is on.

How is our little problem?

- Being handled, Sir.
- Roger that.

Just let me know when
you need the cleaners.

- I'm not going to need the cleaners.
- Oh, you're going to need to the...

Can we please not
get into this again?

I like everything about you, Tim.

Okay.

Ooohhh!

Jarek, your taxi will be here
in ten minutes!

Okay, okay!

Jarek?

Jarek?

Oh, dear!

- Still nothing?
- Oh, I don't know what he's doing.

I told him to call me straigh after.

So I was thinking for Saturday,
I might as well make a bit of dinner.

Nothing flash, just a little nibble.

So I was wondering,
is there anything you don't...

...like?

Very wish people would
stop doing that!

I'm sorry!

You know you weren't
supposed to come to my work!

- How did it go?
- There's good news, and bad news.

- What's the bad news?
- Jarek's dead.

Any chance the good news
offsets the bad new?

Not really.

- I asked you to negotiate with him!
- I did!

Well, it sounds like
you were a little inflexible.

He electrocuted himself
on your dodgy light switches.

Oh, God!

- Does Marcus know?
- Not yet.

- I hid the body in his yoga mat.
- Ew!

What are we going to do?

- Alright, leave it to me.
- Okay.

I think I know someone who can help.

My fingerprints are everywhere.

Don't you worry about a thing, Tim.
My boys will take it from here.

- Really not what you think.
- I know, of course an accident, boo-hoo.

It was!

Dammit, Tim, you complete me.

Everybody, that guy, ruthless.
Learn from him!

Permission to call
an ambulance, Sir.

Yeah yeah. Yeah yeah.
Permission granted.

- That was a good result then.
- It really not what it looks like.

I only asked him to go around...

Actually I'd rather not know
the details, if that's okay.

Okay.

At least I won't have to
bother you at the weekend. So...

- you know, you're off the hook.
- Hurray!

I guaranteed my viewers a follow-up, and now
I'm going to look like a complete tit.

Yeah, I just came home
and he was gone.

Damn, damn, damn!

Sorry!

It's okay. I'll just have to
make something up.

Right, when you say make up...

I don't know the usual veiled
character attack on you

unsubtle innuendo suggesting
a foul play and perversions.

I'll figure something out,
don't worry about me.

Okay, good.

Unless of course, Tim comes
on your show and confesses to...

I don't know, having Jarek deported?

- Absolutely not!
- That's a brilliant idea!

- Hero, disgraced on national television!
- It has a ring to it.

It's um, there's
no way I'm doing that.

But you see, if you don't, then I'll
have to dig into every part of your life.

Your family, your
girlfriends, your work.

- My work?
- Everything.

- This is ridiculous!
- And remember, Tim.

We're going to need
plenty of tears.

- Forget it!
- Oceans of tears.

You're a despicable
person, aren't you?

Yes.

You're a spiteful, heartless,
perverted monster.

- Yes.
- Say it!

I am a spiteful, heartless,

- Perverted!
- Yes, thank you!

perverted monster.

You're basically a total sh...

- I think we've seen enough.
- It made it seem worse than it was.

- This makes it hard
for us to be together.

Us?

There is no us, Tim!
Let it go.

But you just said this...

But you just said this...

Okay, fine.

- Hey!
- In anticipation.

It's been a tough
couple of week, Tim.

Currently there's no contest
between you and Philip.

Really don't want to
talk about Philip.

No offense Philip!
None taken, baba.

But who's for giving
Tim another chance?

- No.
- No.

Absolutely!

So, let's see if we can turn
things around and start over.

- Oh, terrific!
- Oh, negative attitude!

Okay, good.