Sprung (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Chapter Nine - full transcript
- Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
- What do you mean?
Those politicians you mentioned
who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus--
turns out one of them
is from around here.
Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.
And she is loaded.
I'm not robbing any congresswoman.
It's not who I am.
I'm not a criminal.
What if you could be a teacher
after we're done?
I told you.
They won't let me be a teacher.
So, stop being you.
I can get you a brand new identity.
You could start fresh.
I just need you for a few weeks first.
If they stop,
do you think you can get out?
I already tried.
Once the door latches,
it locks from the outside.
But if you guys are following me...
- What happened?
- We lost service. Ugh!
We must be in a dead zone.
Right after we approve
the vaccine,
I'll know exactly which drug companies
to invest in before anyone else.
- Forget the blackmail.
- What are you talking about?
She's liquidating all their art,
lying to her housekeeper
about some bogus college fund
and using inside information to get rich
while the people who voted for her die.
We're not gonna blackmail her.
We're gonna make sure
she doesn't get away with it
and steal every dime she has
while we're at it.
This just turned into a bank robbery.
Hey, what happened with that auction?
How much is in that bank account
we're gonna get our hands on?
Oh, shit. With all the kidnapping
and torture,
I forgot to tell you.
- Does that say...?
- 2.5 million, yeah.
Aaah!
Shh.
Congratulations on your decision to
better yourself while serving time.
I'd like to start by going
around the room and learning
why you've chosen English Composition.
I joined because I want to, like,
learn some bigger words
because last time I wrote
a letter to the parole...
um, you know, the-- the people
that run the parole stuff. Um...
What do you call 'em?
- Board.
- Bored?
Won't be so bored if I bit off
the front of your face
and spit it down your throat,
now, would it?
Anyway, I-- I wanna learn
some bigger words
so I can show my parole people that
I can safely join the community.
We'll work on that.
Oh, I believe I see
a finger up in the back.
I was hoping to learn
how to write a better manifesto.
The local paper said mine
lacked clarity and structure.
The also didn't appreciate
I dotted all my I's with boogers.
Okie-doke.
Yes.
I love to read, so writing interests me.
I've always wanted to know
more about the semicolon.
Plus, this class is a prerequisite
that I have to take
if I wanna get my online degree.
Prerequisite?
That's a big word.
Sounds like it has a number in it, right?
It has a number in it?
Yeah, yeah.
I think there's an eight in there
towards the tail end.
I still can't believe it.
It took forever to get, but I did it.
It's on fancy paper and everything.
It couldn't have taken that long.
You're not even 30 yet.
"Not even 30."
Maybe in dog years.
Shh!
I am so proud of you.
When we get out of here,
we are gonna celebrate.
You know, I've never had sex
with a teacher before.
I mean, a few have tried, but...
Well, I've never had sex
with an older woman before,
so you might end up being the teacher.
Are you hearing this bullshit?
Stop talking to that bug about me!
They're gonna be coming around.
I'd better go.
Sweet dreams, papi.
Hey, why do you wanna be a teacher?
They don't make dick.
Ain't always about the money.
Education is the most powerful weapon
that you can use to change the world.
Nelson Mandela said that.
That has a nice ring to it.
"Nelson."
Hey, I think I'm gonna call you Nelson.
Bro, you should see Nelson with this Oreo.
He's buggin'.
Ah, shit.
I think I just learned the true meaning
of that word-- buggin'.
Hey, who's the teacher now, bitch?
"Nelson."
Dammit!
Fuck!
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- What's going on?
- We got problems.
Last night on the security cameras,
I heard the rich bitch talking to
Old Wrinkly Balls about the--
Wait, so we're doing codenames with
the congresswoman and her husband?
- That's dope.
- We're not doing codenames. I was just--
- Codenames would be cool.
- I'm down with it.
Fine. Codenames.
- I heard the rich lady tell her--
- "Rich Bitch."
- She told her husband.
- "Old Wrinkly Balls."
She told him that she has
a meeting tomorrow morning to
find out which companies
will make the vaccine.
That's good.
It's been, like, three weeks.
I thought this pandemic would never end.
- It's not good.
- Antivaxxer. There's always one.
It's not good because as soon as
Rich Bitch finds out which companies
to invest in, she will clear out
her secret bank account,
which means there will be
no money left for us to steal.
Evil wins, the rich get richer,
and our whole plan here goes to shit.
Wait, that's a plan?
I thought it was really cool wallpaper.
I've been looking for it online.
What do you mean
the whole plan goes to shit?
The plan can't go to shit.
We need that money.
- You promised me a new identity.
- And we got a wedding to pay for.
Usually the father of the bride pays,
but he made me choose between a wedding
- and an ostrich at my bat mitzvah.
- I got big plans, too.
My hot, younger online boyfriend might
not exist, but my fat knees still do.
- Lipo ain't cheap.
- Your knees aren't fat.
- You don't think so?
- Guys, focus!
We have to get the money
out of the account
before she gets to
that meeting tomorrow morning.
Okay, well, the account is in
the housekeeper's name, right?
Since we have her license,
can't you just go into the bank
and pretend to be her?
I can, but I can't get anywhere
without the account number.
Yeah, I thought I would be able
to see which key she pressed
when she logged in to check her balance.
She used to see his email as a username,
but when she went to type in the password,
her husband's pasty thigh got in the way.
Ugh, that's so white.
It looks like it's... Well...
It looks like it's covered in paste.
I guess you nailed it with "pasty."
Ugh! If we just had that password,
we can log in and get the account number.
Hey, what about that weird
Russian chick who got us
the password for the security cameras?
I already tried. She's on a juice fast,
and she got really bitchy with me.
- She wants 600 grand, so screw that.
- Hey, wait. Did you see this?
There's a thing you can click
here that says forgot password.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Holy shit, Jack. You're a genius.
- Click it.
- Yeah?
Oh, wait.
Now we have to answer some riddle.
"What is the make--"
"And model of your first car?
What is the name of your first pet?
What is your favorite song?"
You were being sarcastic when
you called me a genius, weren't you?
No.
Oh, shit. It's my folks.
What time is it there?
Is everything okay?
When you were in prison, locked in a room
with the same person day in and day out,
did you ever fantasize about killing them?
What's going on, Mom?
All your father talks about
is what he ate, what he's eating,
what he's going to eat next.
I can't take it anymore. I packed up
my stuff and I found my own place.
- Ma, you can't live under a table.
- Who are you talking to?
Jack.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hi, Dad. How are you doing?
Not so great.
Your mother left me.
I heard. Look, guys, trust me.
I know being stuck in a room can be rough.
But I'm going to come to San Diego,
and I'm going to get you out of there.
I promise.
We just have, uh... We just have
a few things we need to figure out.
"We"? Does that mean
your girlfriend's coming with you?
Oh. Gloria?
I don't know.
I mean, we haven't talked about it.
And he's not my-- actually...
- I don't know what she is.
- I thought she was Latina.
I've been picturing Charo.
No, he means he doesn't
know if Gloria is his girlfriend or not.
Why don't you just ask her
if she wants to come with you?
- Then you'll know.
- Well, that's easier said than done, Ma.
When I was talking to her
through the toilet in prison,
I could flirt, I could say anything.
But actually looking her
in the eye and asking her if she--
I don't know, if she likes me?
She wants to go
across the country with me?
- It's hard.
- Does she not speak English?
No, Dad, she speaks English.
Look, it's not her. It's me.
I was planning on having
more money before making this move.
- It's turned into a bit of a puzzle.
- Maybe you could pick up some extra work.
I saw on the news that parents are
getting frustrated with online learning,
and the demand
for tutors is through the roof.
- Tutoring?
- I had a chicken salad sandwich yesterday.
Herb, your testicle is hanging
out of your underwear. Tuck it in.
Looks like your upper thigh is trying
to blow a bubble.
Look, if you zoom in
on the video, you could see the password.
It's six dots.
Help me find the dot key.
- Where's Gloria?
- She went for a drive.
She said her ideas
were giving her a headache.
Try the 'O'. Kind of looks like
a dot if you didn't know it was an 'O'.
- It's a dot! We cracked it!
- The housekeeper, Lucia, has a kid, right?
Yeah.
That's how the congresswoman
got her to open the bank account.
She lied to her and said she's gonna
put money in it for her kid's college.
Wow, I guess I've been
listening more than I thought.
Shit. Didn't work.
Maybe it's a capital dot.
Which one of these
is the make-things-bigger button?
Hey, if you're thinking of
kidnapping the kid
and asking for the password as ransom,
Gloria already shot that down.
A lot of people think technology is great.
I don't think it's as
good as it's cracked up to be.
Social media has ruined
the art of stalking women.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
People are so obsessed
with sharing every detail of their life.
I mean, I get it.
You're at Target buying socks.
I mean, let me work for it.
Although...
There are some apps that
suggest other women you might know
who may be fun to stalk,
so I guess there's pros and cons.
So my dumbass cousin,
Linwood, gets this email telling him
he's won tickets to the Super Bowl.
So, he goes to collect, right,
but it's actually the police
scooping people up
with outstanding warrants.
Linwood is like, "I didn't know that
you can make fake emails and shit."
I'm like, "Dude, this is your
third time falling for this, dumbass."
But now my boy pulling five figures,
scamming people with his own fake emails.
My point is
sometimes the cops do help people.
I'm telling you, man, trust me.
People are easy to manipulate
if you know the right buttons and push.
The best scam I ever pulled
was a fake children's modeling agency.
Paco!
Your school's having an essay contest,
and you've been selected to enter!
His teacher said he's special.
Once you tell
a parent their kid is special,
they will give you
every dime that they own.
Plus, you get pictures of the kids.
Oh, find my laptop.
They sent a link so you can
- get the details from the English tutor.
- All right, let's focus.
Like I said, you need to turn in the essay
today if you want to win the contest.
- Writing is boring.
- Okay.
I'm so stupid.
I know nothing about flowers.
Well, that point was just an example.
Yours can be about anything.
The secret to writing is choosing
something you're passionate about.
Hmm.
What rhymes with "meth"?
"Death."
What if I told you that the essay
you need to write is about a superhero?
Which one?
You. You get to be the superhero,
and you can use your imagination
to have whatever superpowers you want.
I want to be made of electricity so
people can use me to charge their phone.
Okay, that's very much
a hero for today's world.
But first,
every superhero has an origin story.
So your first assignment
is to find out everything you can
about where you came from-- your mother.
Grab a pencil.
I want you to find out
where your mother grew up,
what her favorite color is,
her favorite song.
Yes, I'm sure I didn't
request no pizza sauce or cheese.
What kind of a lunatic
orders just a naked crust?
This is bullshit!
I don't know how it happened either,
but my son is staring at
a giant bread frisbee.
- You need to send another pizza.
- Wait a second.
I think I opened it upside down.
Never mind.
My future daughter-in-law just
got outsmarted by a cardboard box.
Where have you been all day?
I drove to the congresswoman's
hoping that once it got dark,
I would find
a bank statement in her garbage,
but all I discovered were that the fish
tacos they had last night weren't a hit.
Hey, I think we're getting a fax.
It's a printer. I found it
in your mom's stolen loot.
I hooked it up last night.
- Oh, good, it printed.
- What is it?
It's an essay written by Lucia's son.
Read this part.
The Paco-nator's mother,
Lucia, drove home from the hospital
in her first car, a blue Dodge Neon.
Yeah. And this one.
Every time the Paco-nator
hears his mother's favorite song,
"Groove is in the Heart"
by Deee-Lite, his powers multiply.
The Paco-nator's trusty sidekick
is Bailey The Flying Hamster,
named after his mother's first pet. Jack!
- How did you get this?
- I emailed Lucia.
I told her her son had been
chosen to be in an essay writing contest,
and I pretended to be a tutor.
Well, shit. Look at you.
I guess some of Gloria's con artist skills
rubbed off on you when you two boned.
You two boned? Aww.
Paco-nator sounds more like a robot,
not a superhero.
I'd have him change that if he
wanted to win the contest.
- I can't believe it. You solved it.
- I know.
I actually had all the answers
a couple of hours ago,
but the kid was
struggling with contractions.
I really enjoy teaching. It's very...
Rewarding.
Hey, why are you hanging it on the wall?
Don't you want to put the answers in?
- Not yet.
- Why not?
Because I've been thinking,
once we get the password,
we could just transfer the money online
and I don't have to
do all this nonsense with Stan.
Yeah, that'd be great, but online
transfers have limits and safeguards.
Computers are a hard target.
The softer target is people.
We need a softy like Stan.
Plus, when we mess with the password,
the bank is going to send
the congresswoman an alert on her phone.
So, all this needs to get done
when we know she's in a place
- she can't get any notifications.
- How will we know that?
That's what this is all about.
Everybody, get comfortable.
We have a lot to
go through before tomorrow morning.
"Super Paco"!
- I was thinking that, too!
- Soul mates.
We're talking baby names, right?
It's a little late to be changing my plan.
We're leaving in a few minutes.
No, I wasn't. I thought it'd be cool
to show what happens after the plan.
I got Rooster and Wiggles getting married.
Barb with skinny knees,
although I still think she's being crazy.
And I'm over here with my parents,
teaching in San Diego.
That's cute.
Is there, I don't know, anywhere
in particular you want me to put you?
Just make sure there's
a margarita in my hand, and I'm good.
Are you sure I need to say all
this to Stan when we FaceTime?
- That poor sap is gonna soil his dockers.
- Yes, I'm sure.
I thought we would have
more time to ease into it,
- but it has to happen this morning.
- I think something's been nibbling
the cheese that represents
the Swiss bank account.
Could be the mice,
or it's the raccoon that likes to
let himself in every now and again.
Also, Rooster had some hermit crabs
that climbed out of their cage
about 20 years ago that we never found.
- There's a lot of suspects.
- Come on.
Just practice with me a few more times.
- I've got to go to work, baby.
- This early?
I thought bikini bars are more of
a mid-afternoon-evening kind of situation.
We've been opening early
for essential workers.
Not all heroes wear clothes.
Good luck with your bank robbery.
Bless her stupid little monkey brain.
She thinks it's like the wallpaper
in Willy Wonka's house.
We need to call this off. I haven't had
enough time to prepare for the role.
Rooster, it's a 30-second phone call.
I thought you had acting experience.
Your mom told me you got your nickname
because you were in Annie as a kid.
In Annie, Rooster was a crook.
Growing up, I was surrounded by crooks.
I don't know anything about some guy from
New York that works in an auction house.
I mean, what makes him tick?
Does he wear a suit?
I don't even have a suit.
- No one is going to see you.
- Girl, I will see me.
I can't make people believe it
if I don't believe it.
Use the tuxedo I brought home from prison.
It's covered in moth holes,
but, hey, maybe you got stabbed
100 or so times on your way to your...
catering gig on the Upper West--
No. On the way to your daughter's...
- No. Your niece's wedding in Brooklyn.
- There we go. Backstory. Thank you.
Uh-oh, 8:15. We got to roll.
Barb, you know what you need to do.
Hi, Barb.
I thought we
were FaceTiming later tonight.
I took a gamble and left some dice
in your mailbox so we could play Yahtzee.
I had a naughty dream about you
last night. I thought we could finish it.
Do sexy thing with-- oh.
Oh, my. Well, actually, I'm over at Mom's,
helping her with something.
Can it wait?
I knew it. This is why I don't
date buttoned-up, corporate-type Stan.
Everything has to be on a schedule.
Maybe this isn't going to work.
No. No, no, no, no.
I'm good.
- I'm here.
- Are you sure?
Because I have needs, Stan--
physical needs that have to come first
- if this is going to work.
- Of course. I never--
Stan, is this a mole
on my ankle or a raisin?
I don't know, Mom.
Just give me a minute.
I need a man of spontaneity
who doesn't follow all the rules.
Are you a banker or a lover?
I would like to think
that I'm capable of being both.
Ow!
It was a mole.
I cut it off. Now I'm bleeding.
- Hold on.
- Hold on? Love doesn't hold on.
Oh, boy.
That is a bit of a gusher here.
Put some pressure on it.
Stan, I need to know
what kind of a guy you are.
I'm the guy who will rail you
deep into next week, Barb Martinez.
- Beg pardon?
- I got what you ache for girl.
I will bend you like
a pleasure pretzel and devour every hot,
- salty curve of that sweet Barb booty.
- Oh, my.
Let's work each other's bodies
until we're like two worn out, dirty
dish rags with every
last orgasm squeezed out of us.
- Too much?
- No. No, not at all.
- I just wasn't expecting...
- Barb, I've had ladies
call me mild-mannered and leave me
for some pretty crude alpha males.
When you wanted to start dating, I
promised I wouldn't let that happen again.
So, I researched what women
find exciting about bad boys.
I took notes, put them
in a spreadsheet, ran the numbers,
and this is what it told me.
I needed to give you
something you weren't expecting.
You did that for me?
Holy shit, that is hot.
I did it myself because of COVID.
It took a few tries.
You don't want to see the other one.
You got to break
a few eggs to make an omelet.
Ugh! Stan!
These raisins taste terrible.
Barb, she's gonna
eat her whole foot if I don't...
Yeah. No. No, that's fine. You go ahead
and do your thing. I'll call you later.
Oh, my God.
- Okay, here we go. Are you ready?
- Yeah, I think so.
Although I do feel I should mention--
I mean, I respect that conning people
is your area of expertise,
but what if he starts asking questions
and we don't have the answers,
- and then he starts--
- Shit. Get down.
Get in the back seat.
Get in the back seat.
Quick, quick. Take your shoes off.
- What?
- Take your shoes off!
Now put them on your head.
Put them on your head.
Yeah. What?
Now, if I would have told you
ten seconds ago
that you'd be in the backseat
with shoes on your head,
would you have believed me?
No.
That's because when people are scared,
they don't think. They just act.
This guy's Twitter page says
that he's afraid of lightning bugs
and leaving voicemails.
I'm sure it's not going to
take much to intimidate him.
Well, you could have
just explained that to me.
I could have.
Collin Davis?
- Yes?
- Agent Danielle Sanchez, FBI.
We need to talk
to you about your involvement
in a conspiracy to commit tax fraud.
You gotta believe me. I didn't
know I was doing anything illegal.
The congresswoman just told me to take
all her art to New York, so I did.
- I knew she was up to something.
- So you knew?
- No, he didn't.
- He just said he did.
He presumed. That's not knowing.
We knew nothing.
Really? So I guess you didn't know about
the congresswoman selling the art
under the name Lucia Gonzalez so she
could avoid paying taxes on the profit.
- I was delivering her pay.
- Pay or payoff
so you can keep her quiet
about your little moneymaking operation.
The two of you,
the congresswoman and Mrs. Gonzalez,
are implicated in a scheme to
defraud the United States government.
The two of us?
I only agreed to help him out,
because we got in a stupid fight
about how I don't support his dumb career.
Dumb career?
Last time I checked,
my dumb career was the only thing
keeping us afloat
while you pursue your dream.
- Dance is not a dream. It's a calling.
- All right, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
The two of you are in a lot
of trouble unless you cooperate.
Yes, absolutely.
I will do whatever.
I will wear a wire. I will testify.
Take my DNA.
Ew. Uh...
Okay. We'll take this
to the lab right away.
Mr. Davis,
you've been driving the congresswoman
to her office, is that correct?
Ever since she broke her foot when she--
fell down the stairs.
We saw. We see everything.
She has a committee meeting
this morning that you'll be taking her to.
We need to be sure
she doesn't make it to that meeting.
- Why?
- None of your business why.
The FBI doesn't divulge
details of an ongoing investigation.
Here's how it's going to work.
You're going to pick her up at 9:00,
just like you always do.
Whether she's walking
the halls of the capital
or dancing in DC's hottest nightclub,
this congresswoman does both
in her chic orthopedic walking boot.
Okay, maybe just dial down the gay
to a seven today.
I'm not in the mood.
You'll say you
saw some traffic on your way in,
so you're going
to take Route 40 to avoid it.
When we were following you
the night you moved the art,
we noticed there was a dead zone
right past the sign for Oakdale Winery.
Lindsay, are you still there? Lindsay?
Not long after she
loses reception on her phone,
you'll round a bend in the road
and see Agent Harris.
You better not be stopping for another
stupid animal in the road.
- Uh, what's going on?
- Tree fell up ahead.
- Should be just a couple of minutes.
- Thank you so much.
- What's going on?
- There's a tree in the road,
- so we just have to wait, like, a second.
- I don't give a shit about trees unless...
Then, no matter what she says,
your job is to just sit there
and make sure
she doesn't have cell service.
Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do that.
- What?
- Wha--
If you don't do that,
then you're gonna go to prison.
And trust me, prison is no picnic.
- That's okay. I don't like picnics.
- Fine. It's no day at the beach.
- Eh. All that sand.
- God damn it, man.
Collin, what are you doing?
You need to cooperate.
I don't think you understand
who they're asking me to betray.
The congresswoman is evil.
- Trust me, I've seen things.
- But we're not just talking about you.
What about your boyfriend?
- You're going to let him go down for this?
- I've seen him go down for less.
- Excuse me?
- You know who I'm talking about.
Besides, all I've been reading about
is how they're letting people
out of jail because of COVID.
I'll call my uncle.
He's a lawyer.
He can probably get us probation.
Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle!
Just calm down, okay?
No one's seen our faces,
and those two are too busy
arguing to realize we're not legit.
- See? We're fine.
- Fine?
There's no way they're
going to cooperate right now.
We got to figure out some
other way to get this money.
What money?
You better pick this shit up, man.
You're phone. You're phone!
Melvin, not a good time.
Not a good time for me, either.
But since your ass cheek had the audacity
to call me over and over again,
tell me what's up.
What money?
You doing a job without me, Jake?
No. No job. Just, uh, I'm at the store
trying to get a refund for, uh...
Lavender and cucumber hydrating sunscreen.
I heard a girl screaming.
Yeah, some people freaked out
when I got closer than six feet.
- Listen, I got to go.
- Whoa. Hold up.
If you're at the drugstore,
can you get me some lady razors?
I feel like we're close enough
to tell you that I shave my legs.
- Really?
- Yeah.
One night when I was high,
I let a chick do it to me.
And once you get a taste of them
smooth-ass calves, it's hard to go back.
Good to know. Will do. Sorry.
If Collin is not there
to pick up the congresswoman,
she's gonna order an Uber to take her
to the meeting, which means in 15 minutes,
any chance we had at pulling
this thing off goes out the window.
Someone needs
to pick up the congresswoman.
Who?
Well, I have to be at the bank,
and you know how to drive, so...
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
No.
- 14 minutes.
- 14 minutes to what?
Stan has a nipple ring, and I'd be lyin'
if I said I wasn't a little intrigued.
There's no time, Barb!
Things went sideways! Where's Rooster?
Rooster, get in here!
Things went...
What word did you use?
Sideways.
Oh, I like that.
Things went sideways.
Well, what direction
were they supposed to go?
Not sideways!
The Congresswoman's aide
wouldn't agree to help us,
so we had to restrain him
and his boyfriend and take their phones.
Jack is gonna have to drive
the Congresswoman.
Remember, she's not gonna
report this money missing.
Plus, you'll be wearing a mask,
so you'll be fine.
You just need to get her
into the dead zone by 9:15.
- Got it.
- Okay.
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine,
9:15 submarine...
What are you doing?
A mnemonic device.
Helps to remember.
You don't get cell reception
in a dead zone,
which is like bein' underwater,
like a submarine.
9:15 submarine!
Rooster, now that Jack is driving,
I need you to be the flagman.
And you have to leave now!
What?! I just got a handle
on the auction house guy.
I gave him a lisp
to make him seem sympathetic.
I'm not asking, I'm telling.
We need someone
to stop Jack in the dead zone
to keep the Congresswoman
from getting bank alerts.
You need to find a stop sign
and a uniform.
Top shelf, closet.
I went through a vest phase
in the '90s.
I don't know anything about flagmen.
I mean, who is this guy?
Is he married?
Why do they call him a flagman
if he holds up a stop sign?
Hold the stupid sign up
and say there's construction up ahead.
And we need someone else to read
the script that I gave you
and pretend to be
from the auction house.
I hate to have to ask this, but...
can Wiggles read?
It is a fair question.
She can read.
I think.
Have you seen it performed?
I've seen her read a sunscreen bottle.
Yeah, she burns really easy
and, uh, she needs a really high spiff.
Good enough.
Take her the script
and then get yourself to Route 40.
Past the sign for the Oakdale Winery.
Jack is gonna be there at 9:15,
so we all have to hurry.
I think that's the best we got.
If anyone asks, just tell 'em
you were a flagman in Vegas.
Are you still sure
all this is gonna work?
Nope.
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine,
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine...
Whoo!
Collin feels awful about this,
but we are right on schedule.
You need to lose the mask
in case somebody takes a picture.
If I'm gonna keep my base,
I need to avoid masks like the plague.
I guess your snowflake son
forgot to tell you to pick up the coffee.
We'll have to stop.
So much for being on schedule.
No texting and driving.
Gonna run somebody over.
I don't need that shit
on my Wikipedia page.
Let's go!
Jack is gonna have the Congresswoman
in the dead zone in ten minutes!
What the hell are you wearing?
The hottest time me and Stan ever did it
was in the '80s.
I was workin' for a regional airline,
and he was on one of my flights.
I was just feelin' nostalgic.
If you breathe in deep, you can
still smell the Drakkar Noir and jet fuel.
Get in the car!
Hi, yeah, I need something
called a latte.
What kind of milk?
Uh...
White.
She doesn't strike me
as a chocolate milk type.
Not a lot of whimsy.
What kind of white?
We have whole milk, skin milk,
almond milk, oat milk...
Kick her ass, Linda!
2% milk, 1% milk, plant milk...
Tony!
Hazelnut milk,
macadamia milk, banana milk,
rice milk, coconut milk,
hemp milk, buttermilk,
camel's milk, quinoa milk,
raw milk, flax milk,
cashew milk, goat milk...
Be careful. They were out
of all those little coffee cup tube tops.
I'm not saying the virus is a good thing,
but the herd does need thinning
and it's mostly killing old people.
Hang on, Grandma.
This is disgusting.
This is not what I ordered.
It's not?
Well, I got the biggest size.
You said you wanted a lot.
A latte! I said I wanted "a latte"!
We have to turn around.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that.
We're runnin' a little late.
Or latte.
Whatever pronunciation you prefer.
I think you got a long eyelash
or a short pube trapped in there.
Doesn't matter.
Stan's not gonna get that close to it.
9:15 submarine.
- What?
- Nothing.
No word from Jack.
It's go time.
Let's answer these security questions
and get the account number.
Bailey.
Dodge Neon.
Favorite song...
Shit. Is it "Groove Is in the Heart"
or "Groove Is in the Soul"?
Barb.
Barb, look at the essay.
What's the song?
Are you sure there's not a way to do this
that doesn't involve Stan?
What?
Now that I've been talkin' to him more,
I just... I feel guilty.
Give me the essay.
Just promise me he won't get fired.
He's not gonna get fired.
We have to do this now
or we're gonna miss our window.
You promise?
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Why does it always
have to come to this?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Grandma, you can't say that word anymore.
I understand that you met one once.
It doesn't matter.
I'm not saying it's not funny,
you just need to find a different word.
No, that one's worse.
Oh, shit.
You got a cop behind you.
No, not you, Grandma.
You better pull over.
I will. Just lookin' for a safe spot.
I think I saw a winery up ahead
that had a parking lot.
Give me!
Ugh, gross, it's warm.
You didn't have to mess up my hair.
All right, Lucia's favorite song
is "Groove Is in the Heart."
"Groove Is in the Heart."
All right.
Say a prayer.
Here goes nothin'.
No, I can't
turn the noise down, Grandma.
Grandma?
Shit, I lost her.
You lost her?
You better pull over now.
I'm pullin' over. I'm pullin' over.
Excuse me.
I need to talk to a manager
right away.
Stan O'Malley, Semi-Regional Manager.
I was just checking online
and my balance is off.
It is not right.
There has been a mistake.
Uh, no need to panic. We get this a lot.
Often a spouse makes a withdrawal
without your knowledge
and the balance is a little lower than...
No, no, it is not lower.
It is higher.
Like, way higher.
Two million dollars too high.
Oh, my. Okay, well, let me
get into your account and take a look-see.
I'll need your account number and an ID.
And I'll need to take a peek
under that mask to verify your identity.
No problem.
This virus has me so worried.
I take care of my mother
and if I was to bring this home to her,
I would never forgive myself.
I know how you feel.
I take care of my mom, too.
One Covid germ at the tip of my finger
when I'm scraping
the gummy fish off her teeth
and that's it.
Ah.
Sorry for all of this.
I had to give my ID
at the pharmacy
and the girl that I handed it to,
she had a nasty cough, so...
Uh, actually, okay, that's fine.
Just... I can see it from there.
No, you don't need to take your mask off.
I can tell it's you from the eyes.
Okay. Thank you.
Account number?
Get your license out.
I'm already running late.
I don't have a...
I mean, I forgot my...
What do you think the cop is waiting for?
Probably running the plates to make sure
the car wasn't reported stolen.
You ever work out
with those giant rubber bands?
They're pretty strong, right?
I mean, if you accidentally got 'em
wrapped around your wrists
and your ankles,
do you think you could chew your way free?
I'm gonna need you
to step out of the vehicle, sir.
They had to change the plan.
All you gotta do
is read the script when Gloria calls.
Can you read... it?
Sure. I'm a good reader.
I got a perfect score
on the verbal section of the SAT.
Zero on the math, though.
They say it's never been done
before or since.
Hi, Larry.
Keys on the peg board so you don't pop
the plastic safety bubble.
Thanks for being a hero.
You think you can keep that cop busy
for a couple hours?
They don't call me Wiggles for nothing.
Well, I thought they called you Wiggles
'cause you wore wigs.
It's a homonym.
Oh.
You actually thought this was a good idea?
Better than tryin' to hold traffic
for 20 minutes
in a bedazzled butterfly vest? Yeah.
Plus, I know way more
about cops than flagmen.
Excuse me. Hi, Officer.
I'm a US. Congresswoman and I'm on my way
to a very important meeting.
Ma'am,
I'm in the middle of an investigation.
I'm gonna need you to keep
your head and your arms in the vehicle.
Gloria's gonna need
at least ten minutes in the bank.
How the hell you plannin' on keep...
Sir, have you been drinkin'?
Okay, here it is.
You had a large deposit
from an auction house.
Did you sell something recently?
My papa died
and we sold off all of his horse statues,
but we only got 25,400.
Okay.
Well, here we go, then.
They accidentally deposited $2,540,000.
How is that even possible?
Probably a sticky zero key.
Happened to me once.
I accidentally sent my sister
a gift card for $500 instead of 50.
Still didn't get a thank you.
Oh.
I like your tie, Daddy.
I'd like it even more
balled up in my mouth.
Barb. Oh...
Wow, you look, uh...
Just like I did that time
we got busy in the bathroom?
Allegheny Airlines flight 853 to Scranton.
Short flight, but a long ride,
as I recall.
I can still feel the turbulence.
So naughty!
You're the naughty one
with that sexy call...
Oh, my God.
I can see the nipple ring.
I saw a bump under your shirt before,
but I just thought you had tall moles.
I'm going to call the auction house.
How about you take me into the vault
and put a huge deposit into my box.
You know, like a safety deposit...
No, I got it. Um...
I need to speak to somebody
in the accounting department.
Look, uh, I'm in the middle
of a situation here with a customer.
I knew it.
Pierce all the nipples you want,
you're still
a boring bean-counter at heart.
Uh, Barb, wait.
You know, you talk a big game, Stan,
but when it comes down to it,
you're not spontaneous.
I can't be with a man who thinks
with his calculator instead of his pecker.
Hello?
I'm going to put you on the phone
with the bank manager, Donna.
He's going to save your job.
It's Donna from the auction house.
They're having a problem
with their hold music.
It's bleeding into the call.
Barb, ten minutes, please.
I'll give you three.
And then all this yumminess
walks out for good.
Hello, this is Stan O'Malley,
Semi-Regional Manager,
Second Union Trust.
Hi. Lucia just explained
the mistake I made,
and I'm hoping we can fix it
before my boss finds out
and I get into a lot of trouble.
Yep. Yeah, sounds good.
Uh, let's punch some numbers
and get it done.
All right, sir,
I'm gonna need you to stand on one foot
and say the alphabet backwards,
startin' from the letter T.
T... S... R...
Backwards!
That was backwards, asshole!
Still think stealin' a cop car
was a good idea?
Freeze.
We got a high-speed chase coming this way
and we need help setting up a roadblock!
Come on, let's go!
Duty calls.
I gotta help my boys in khaki.
Put your hands on the hood
till I get back.
Four, three, seven, two, five, one.
Okay, got it.
And you're sure
you don't want me to deposit it
into the same account
it came from?
I think you said it needed
to go to accounts receivable
so your boss doesn't find out, right?
Yes, right.
What she said.
Come on, face forward.
Oh, shit. I gotta go. Uh...
My boss is coming.
Thank you so much.
Let's go! I've got a very important
meeting about the Covid vaccine.
If I'm late, Bernie's gonna give away
free college tuition with every shot.
Yeah, uh, listen...
the cop was right.
I have been drinking.
It's 9:00 in the morning.
Well, I was nervous
to meet a congresswoman.
So when Collin asked me to cover for him,
I had a few pops.
And some Vicodin.
You know, if I just walk around
for eight minutes or so,
I can clear my head and then
I can get back behind the wheel.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'?
Screw it.
I'm driving left-footed.
- No. No.
- Wait, don't.
I cannot allow you to endanger yourself.
My son adorns you,
and Congress needs someone
who'll stick up for large corporations.
Look, I'll just look for reception.
You stay in the car.
There's lots of bears in the area.
They can smell your broken foot!
Typically, corporate frowns upon
overriding the transfer limit,
but in time-sensitive matters...
...it's not a problem.
Okay, transfer is complete.
Have a great day.
Do I have 30 seconds to splash
a little water on my nether region?
The scooter ride to work in humidity
really took its toll.
Make it quick.
And hit the pits, too.
Okay.
Never learn, son.
That's the shit we train for!
Who's with me?
- Hey! Get over here!
- Hey!
Sorry.
It happens.
Get in.
Wiggles can't wiggle forever.
I thought they called her that
'cause she wore wigs.
- It's a homo-limb.
- Ah.
Show... me... the money.
Oh, oh, oh...
Did we do it?
Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yes!
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Your father's an asshole!
That's not my father! It's the FBI!
They came to my house!
They said something about tax fraud and
you hiding money in a secret bank account.
You need to...
I'm coming!
I have to do this first!
They're on to me.
The bank...
the feds must have seized my assets.
Deep state.
They even know how you lied
to your housekeeper about
paying for her kid's college.
Stop talking!
Deep state is listening!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Hey!
Hey!
Hello! Guess who stole a cop car today!
- What?!
- This animal stole a cop car!
Worked like a charm!
- Like a charm!
- Like a charm!
I can't believe we pulled this off!
What do you mean
you can't believe we pulled this off?
You told me you were sure
it was gonna work.
- I lied!
- You lied?!
- I lied!
- She lied!
Well, let's just say
I did not penalize Stan
for his early withdrawal!
Oh!
You can read!
You have made my day.
That's so wonderful you're coming.
I know, right?
But I'm driving,
so it'll be about a week.
Don't go through Missouri.
It's a dangerous shithole. Just go around.
A Waffle House cook
flirted with me outside of St. Louis.
Your father thinks he was
in a human trafficking gang.
His tattoos told a story.
Jack, take I-40
if you want your woman alive.
Well, actually,
I don't know if Gloria's comin' or not.
I still haven't asked her.
Son, you have to nut up.
- What?
- Nut up.
I heard it on a TV program.
Uh, well, okay.
I mean, I'm trying.
But every time I look her in the eye,
I chicken out.
Talking was a lot easier when we could
just whisper things through the toilet.
Son, if you don't find a way
to ask this girl to come with you,
you are going to lose her forever,
so nut up.
Please stop saying that.
Hey, I'll call you back when
I know more details. I love you both.
We love you, too,
Jackie boy.
Love you, son.
Avoid Missouri.
What's this?
Everything you need
to start your new life.
A driver's license, passport,
Social Security number,
a teaching certificate...
the works.
Whoa.
I thought you said
this was gonna take a while.
Well, I couldn't let you be someone else
before I got what I needed from Jack.
Nice to meet you, Rick Ensor.
Nice to meet me, too.
Rick Enzzer.
En-sor.
I'll have to nail that down
before I get to San Diego.
Yeah, San Diego.
You're gonna be a great teacher.
Thanks.
And you're gonna be great in, uh...
Where'd you say you were going again?
I'm thinking Miami.
Oh, Miami.
The grapefruit city.
Swim town.
The party in America's basement.
They don't call it any of those things,
but yeah, the beaches, the nightlife...
I've got some leads on
some wealthy marks I can work.
It's kind of been my dream to live there.
Yeah. Okay. Well, cool.
That sounds like a plan.
Mm-hmm.
Or...
Or... what?
Or... lando is also
a lovely place to live in Florida.
But then I figured Miami's better,
so I stopped myself from saying it.
Right.
Well, I gotta start packing.
Hey, boo, you there?
Yeah. Yeah, Papi, I'm here.
I was just thinkin'...
I know Miami is your dream
with all the nightlife and, uh, fish,
I think you said.
You wanna come with me?
Is that crazy?
No. I just...
I wasn't expecting you...
I should have said something earlier,
but this is hard,
and I don't know why
because we talk about other things,
but I don't know, this is...
This is, um...
It's weird. I hear you.
This wall helps.
Oh, no, it's a godsend.
Look, I think we make
a pretty good team.
And not just with crime.
Even though it never happened,
the night we slept together
was pretty great.
I-I thought so, too.
I just wasn't...
It was the best thing
that never happened to me in my life.
It was great.
Look, I know I keep thinking,
yes, Miami is the dream,
but maybe the dream
is just missing something, you know?
Unless you came... a while.
Tap, tap. Is this thing on?
Yes, it is.
You'd have a blast.
We could keep ripping off bad people
and giving free stuff to nice people.
I love that.
Yeah, we could.
It's just...
Well, there's my parents and teaching...
And I'm not a criminal.
What if you came with me
to San Diego?
You might also love
not doing crime... perhaps.
You know?
Tap, tap, tap.
So I'd be your girlfriend
and we would double-date
with your parents
to early bird dinners?
Well, I don't know
if it'd be that glamorous, but yeah.
I think...
I think you deserve to live the life
that you've been dreaming of.
And I deserve to live my dreams, too.
And it sounds like maybe...
Maybe our dreams are a little bit too...
Different.
Hey, before we take off,
there is one more fun thing
we should do together.
Oh. Okay. Uh...
You want me to come over there
or should I just try to force it through?
No, no, not that.
At least not yet.
We have some
unfinished business first.
Paco. You won the contest.
You won the contest!
And there's a check in here
for $10,000!
That says $100,000!
$100,000!
Ay, Dios mio! Oh!
This is why we pray, Paco.
This is why we pray.
Melvin, thanks for driving.
You're a good friend, Melvin.
Yeah, yeah. This is bullshit.
What kind of God allows you people
to steal my money and my toilet paper,
steal my girl, jack up my truck
using it to kidnap a man,
and then that same guy makes you all rich
with a winning goddamn lotto ticket?
Well, he works in mysterious ways,
but you bring up a good point.
I'll pay for gas.
Oh, you're payin' for more than gas.
You're payin' for meals,
hotels, and snacks.
I like a premium nut mix.
So nice to meet you.
Thank you for being such a great partner
to my celly and friend.
I hope someday I can find a love
as great as you two have.
Ah, you will, Jeff.
I don't like white guys,
but some people still do.
So... hang in there.
Rooster. I'm gonna miss you, man.
You're like my brother
from another mother.
Which is good 'cause my brothers
from my actual mother were psychopaths
who tried to feed me
cigarette butts in my sleep.
Well, I'm glad
we're better brothers than that.
Barb.
I know.
Thank you for everything.
Two and a half decades,
I lived in a jungle.
Hmm.
For the first time in ages, you gave me
a chance to live in a loving home.
Of all the stray mutts and wounded birds
Rooster's brought home,
you two were my favorite.
Come here.
If you ever get sick of your real family,
just know you got another one
right here waitin' for ya.
My door's always open.
If it isn't,
clearly you can just break in.
Yeah.
Go on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's this?
For the road.
A spiral staircase?
It's a condo you share
with old people, Jack.
You tryin' to get somebody killed?
Good lookin' out.
Flight 234 to Miami
is now boarding.
Jack.
- Jack!
- Jack!
- What do you mean?
Those politicians you mentioned
who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus--
turns out one of them
is from around here.
Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.
And she is loaded.
I'm not robbing any congresswoman.
It's not who I am.
I'm not a criminal.
What if you could be a teacher
after we're done?
I told you.
They won't let me be a teacher.
So, stop being you.
I can get you a brand new identity.
You could start fresh.
I just need you for a few weeks first.
If they stop,
do you think you can get out?
I already tried.
Once the door latches,
it locks from the outside.
But if you guys are following me...
- What happened?
- We lost service. Ugh!
We must be in a dead zone.
Right after we approve
the vaccine,
I'll know exactly which drug companies
to invest in before anyone else.
- Forget the blackmail.
- What are you talking about?
She's liquidating all their art,
lying to her housekeeper
about some bogus college fund
and using inside information to get rich
while the people who voted for her die.
We're not gonna blackmail her.
We're gonna make sure
she doesn't get away with it
and steal every dime she has
while we're at it.
This just turned into a bank robbery.
Hey, what happened with that auction?
How much is in that bank account
we're gonna get our hands on?
Oh, shit. With all the kidnapping
and torture,
I forgot to tell you.
- Does that say...?
- 2.5 million, yeah.
Aaah!
Shh.
Congratulations on your decision to
better yourself while serving time.
I'd like to start by going
around the room and learning
why you've chosen English Composition.
I joined because I want to, like,
learn some bigger words
because last time I wrote
a letter to the parole...
um, you know, the-- the people
that run the parole stuff. Um...
What do you call 'em?
- Board.
- Bored?
Won't be so bored if I bit off
the front of your face
and spit it down your throat,
now, would it?
Anyway, I-- I wanna learn
some bigger words
so I can show my parole people that
I can safely join the community.
We'll work on that.
Oh, I believe I see
a finger up in the back.
I was hoping to learn
how to write a better manifesto.
The local paper said mine
lacked clarity and structure.
The also didn't appreciate
I dotted all my I's with boogers.
Okie-doke.
Yes.
I love to read, so writing interests me.
I've always wanted to know
more about the semicolon.
Plus, this class is a prerequisite
that I have to take
if I wanna get my online degree.
Prerequisite?
That's a big word.
Sounds like it has a number in it, right?
It has a number in it?
Yeah, yeah.
I think there's an eight in there
towards the tail end.
I still can't believe it.
It took forever to get, but I did it.
It's on fancy paper and everything.
It couldn't have taken that long.
You're not even 30 yet.
"Not even 30."
Maybe in dog years.
Shh!
I am so proud of you.
When we get out of here,
we are gonna celebrate.
You know, I've never had sex
with a teacher before.
I mean, a few have tried, but...
Well, I've never had sex
with an older woman before,
so you might end up being the teacher.
Are you hearing this bullshit?
Stop talking to that bug about me!
They're gonna be coming around.
I'd better go.
Sweet dreams, papi.
Hey, why do you wanna be a teacher?
They don't make dick.
Ain't always about the money.
Education is the most powerful weapon
that you can use to change the world.
Nelson Mandela said that.
That has a nice ring to it.
"Nelson."
Hey, I think I'm gonna call you Nelson.
Bro, you should see Nelson with this Oreo.
He's buggin'.
Ah, shit.
I think I just learned the true meaning
of that word-- buggin'.
Hey, who's the teacher now, bitch?
"Nelson."
Dammit!
Fuck!
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
- What's going on?
- We got problems.
Last night on the security cameras,
I heard the rich bitch talking to
Old Wrinkly Balls about the--
Wait, so we're doing codenames with
the congresswoman and her husband?
- That's dope.
- We're not doing codenames. I was just--
- Codenames would be cool.
- I'm down with it.
Fine. Codenames.
- I heard the rich lady tell her--
- "Rich Bitch."
- She told her husband.
- "Old Wrinkly Balls."
She told him that she has
a meeting tomorrow morning to
find out which companies
will make the vaccine.
That's good.
It's been, like, three weeks.
I thought this pandemic would never end.
- It's not good.
- Antivaxxer. There's always one.
It's not good because as soon as
Rich Bitch finds out which companies
to invest in, she will clear out
her secret bank account,
which means there will be
no money left for us to steal.
Evil wins, the rich get richer,
and our whole plan here goes to shit.
Wait, that's a plan?
I thought it was really cool wallpaper.
I've been looking for it online.
What do you mean
the whole plan goes to shit?
The plan can't go to shit.
We need that money.
- You promised me a new identity.
- And we got a wedding to pay for.
Usually the father of the bride pays,
but he made me choose between a wedding
- and an ostrich at my bat mitzvah.
- I got big plans, too.
My hot, younger online boyfriend might
not exist, but my fat knees still do.
- Lipo ain't cheap.
- Your knees aren't fat.
- You don't think so?
- Guys, focus!
We have to get the money
out of the account
before she gets to
that meeting tomorrow morning.
Okay, well, the account is in
the housekeeper's name, right?
Since we have her license,
can't you just go into the bank
and pretend to be her?
I can, but I can't get anywhere
without the account number.
Yeah, I thought I would be able
to see which key she pressed
when she logged in to check her balance.
She used to see his email as a username,
but when she went to type in the password,
her husband's pasty thigh got in the way.
Ugh, that's so white.
It looks like it's... Well...
It looks like it's covered in paste.
I guess you nailed it with "pasty."
Ugh! If we just had that password,
we can log in and get the account number.
Hey, what about that weird
Russian chick who got us
the password for the security cameras?
I already tried. She's on a juice fast,
and she got really bitchy with me.
- She wants 600 grand, so screw that.
- Hey, wait. Did you see this?
There's a thing you can click
here that says forgot password.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
Holy shit, Jack. You're a genius.
- Click it.
- Yeah?
Oh, wait.
Now we have to answer some riddle.
"What is the make--"
"And model of your first car?
What is the name of your first pet?
What is your favorite song?"
You were being sarcastic when
you called me a genius, weren't you?
No.
Oh, shit. It's my folks.
What time is it there?
Is everything okay?
When you were in prison, locked in a room
with the same person day in and day out,
did you ever fantasize about killing them?
What's going on, Mom?
All your father talks about
is what he ate, what he's eating,
what he's going to eat next.
I can't take it anymore. I packed up
my stuff and I found my own place.
- Ma, you can't live under a table.
- Who are you talking to?
Jack.
- Hey, Jack.
- Hi, Dad. How are you doing?
Not so great.
Your mother left me.
I heard. Look, guys, trust me.
I know being stuck in a room can be rough.
But I'm going to come to San Diego,
and I'm going to get you out of there.
I promise.
We just have, uh... We just have
a few things we need to figure out.
"We"? Does that mean
your girlfriend's coming with you?
Oh. Gloria?
I don't know.
I mean, we haven't talked about it.
And he's not my-- actually...
- I don't know what she is.
- I thought she was Latina.
I've been picturing Charo.
No, he means he doesn't
know if Gloria is his girlfriend or not.
Why don't you just ask her
if she wants to come with you?
- Then you'll know.
- Well, that's easier said than done, Ma.
When I was talking to her
through the toilet in prison,
I could flirt, I could say anything.
But actually looking her
in the eye and asking her if she--
I don't know, if she likes me?
She wants to go
across the country with me?
- It's hard.
- Does she not speak English?
No, Dad, she speaks English.
Look, it's not her. It's me.
I was planning on having
more money before making this move.
- It's turned into a bit of a puzzle.
- Maybe you could pick up some extra work.
I saw on the news that parents are
getting frustrated with online learning,
and the demand
for tutors is through the roof.
- Tutoring?
- I had a chicken salad sandwich yesterday.
Herb, your testicle is hanging
out of your underwear. Tuck it in.
Looks like your upper thigh is trying
to blow a bubble.
Look, if you zoom in
on the video, you could see the password.
It's six dots.
Help me find the dot key.
- Where's Gloria?
- She went for a drive.
She said her ideas
were giving her a headache.
Try the 'O'. Kind of looks like
a dot if you didn't know it was an 'O'.
- It's a dot! We cracked it!
- The housekeeper, Lucia, has a kid, right?
Yeah.
That's how the congresswoman
got her to open the bank account.
She lied to her and said she's gonna
put money in it for her kid's college.
Wow, I guess I've been
listening more than I thought.
Shit. Didn't work.
Maybe it's a capital dot.
Which one of these
is the make-things-bigger button?
Hey, if you're thinking of
kidnapping the kid
and asking for the password as ransom,
Gloria already shot that down.
A lot of people think technology is great.
I don't think it's as
good as it's cracked up to be.
Social media has ruined
the art of stalking women.
Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.
People are so obsessed
with sharing every detail of their life.
I mean, I get it.
You're at Target buying socks.
I mean, let me work for it.
Although...
There are some apps that
suggest other women you might know
who may be fun to stalk,
so I guess there's pros and cons.
So my dumbass cousin,
Linwood, gets this email telling him
he's won tickets to the Super Bowl.
So, he goes to collect, right,
but it's actually the police
scooping people up
with outstanding warrants.
Linwood is like, "I didn't know that
you can make fake emails and shit."
I'm like, "Dude, this is your
third time falling for this, dumbass."
But now my boy pulling five figures,
scamming people with his own fake emails.
My point is
sometimes the cops do help people.
I'm telling you, man, trust me.
People are easy to manipulate
if you know the right buttons and push.
The best scam I ever pulled
was a fake children's modeling agency.
Paco!
Your school's having an essay contest,
and you've been selected to enter!
His teacher said he's special.
Once you tell
a parent their kid is special,
they will give you
every dime that they own.
Plus, you get pictures of the kids.
Oh, find my laptop.
They sent a link so you can
- get the details from the English tutor.
- All right, let's focus.
Like I said, you need to turn in the essay
today if you want to win the contest.
- Writing is boring.
- Okay.
I'm so stupid.
I know nothing about flowers.
Well, that point was just an example.
Yours can be about anything.
The secret to writing is choosing
something you're passionate about.
Hmm.
What rhymes with "meth"?
"Death."
What if I told you that the essay
you need to write is about a superhero?
Which one?
You. You get to be the superhero,
and you can use your imagination
to have whatever superpowers you want.
I want to be made of electricity so
people can use me to charge their phone.
Okay, that's very much
a hero for today's world.
But first,
every superhero has an origin story.
So your first assignment
is to find out everything you can
about where you came from-- your mother.
Grab a pencil.
I want you to find out
where your mother grew up,
what her favorite color is,
her favorite song.
Yes, I'm sure I didn't
request no pizza sauce or cheese.
What kind of a lunatic
orders just a naked crust?
This is bullshit!
I don't know how it happened either,
but my son is staring at
a giant bread frisbee.
- You need to send another pizza.
- Wait a second.
I think I opened it upside down.
Never mind.
My future daughter-in-law just
got outsmarted by a cardboard box.
Where have you been all day?
I drove to the congresswoman's
hoping that once it got dark,
I would find
a bank statement in her garbage,
but all I discovered were that the fish
tacos they had last night weren't a hit.
Hey, I think we're getting a fax.
It's a printer. I found it
in your mom's stolen loot.
I hooked it up last night.
- Oh, good, it printed.
- What is it?
It's an essay written by Lucia's son.
Read this part.
The Paco-nator's mother,
Lucia, drove home from the hospital
in her first car, a blue Dodge Neon.
Yeah. And this one.
Every time the Paco-nator
hears his mother's favorite song,
"Groove is in the Heart"
by Deee-Lite, his powers multiply.
The Paco-nator's trusty sidekick
is Bailey The Flying Hamster,
named after his mother's first pet. Jack!
- How did you get this?
- I emailed Lucia.
I told her her son had been
chosen to be in an essay writing contest,
and I pretended to be a tutor.
Well, shit. Look at you.
I guess some of Gloria's con artist skills
rubbed off on you when you two boned.
You two boned? Aww.
Paco-nator sounds more like a robot,
not a superhero.
I'd have him change that if he
wanted to win the contest.
- I can't believe it. You solved it.
- I know.
I actually had all the answers
a couple of hours ago,
but the kid was
struggling with contractions.
I really enjoy teaching. It's very...
Rewarding.
Hey, why are you hanging it on the wall?
Don't you want to put the answers in?
- Not yet.
- Why not?
Because I've been thinking,
once we get the password,
we could just transfer the money online
and I don't have to
do all this nonsense with Stan.
Yeah, that'd be great, but online
transfers have limits and safeguards.
Computers are a hard target.
The softer target is people.
We need a softy like Stan.
Plus, when we mess with the password,
the bank is going to send
the congresswoman an alert on her phone.
So, all this needs to get done
when we know she's in a place
- she can't get any notifications.
- How will we know that?
That's what this is all about.
Everybody, get comfortable.
We have a lot to
go through before tomorrow morning.
"Super Paco"!
- I was thinking that, too!
- Soul mates.
We're talking baby names, right?
It's a little late to be changing my plan.
We're leaving in a few minutes.
No, I wasn't. I thought it'd be cool
to show what happens after the plan.
I got Rooster and Wiggles getting married.
Barb with skinny knees,
although I still think she's being crazy.
And I'm over here with my parents,
teaching in San Diego.
That's cute.
Is there, I don't know, anywhere
in particular you want me to put you?
Just make sure there's
a margarita in my hand, and I'm good.
Are you sure I need to say all
this to Stan when we FaceTime?
- That poor sap is gonna soil his dockers.
- Yes, I'm sure.
I thought we would have
more time to ease into it,
- but it has to happen this morning.
- I think something's been nibbling
the cheese that represents
the Swiss bank account.
Could be the mice,
or it's the raccoon that likes to
let himself in every now and again.
Also, Rooster had some hermit crabs
that climbed out of their cage
about 20 years ago that we never found.
- There's a lot of suspects.
- Come on.
Just practice with me a few more times.
- I've got to go to work, baby.
- This early?
I thought bikini bars are more of
a mid-afternoon-evening kind of situation.
We've been opening early
for essential workers.
Not all heroes wear clothes.
Good luck with your bank robbery.
Bless her stupid little monkey brain.
She thinks it's like the wallpaper
in Willy Wonka's house.
We need to call this off. I haven't had
enough time to prepare for the role.
Rooster, it's a 30-second phone call.
I thought you had acting experience.
Your mom told me you got your nickname
because you were in Annie as a kid.
In Annie, Rooster was a crook.
Growing up, I was surrounded by crooks.
I don't know anything about some guy from
New York that works in an auction house.
I mean, what makes him tick?
Does he wear a suit?
I don't even have a suit.
- No one is going to see you.
- Girl, I will see me.
I can't make people believe it
if I don't believe it.
Use the tuxedo I brought home from prison.
It's covered in moth holes,
but, hey, maybe you got stabbed
100 or so times on your way to your...
catering gig on the Upper West--
No. On the way to your daughter's...
- No. Your niece's wedding in Brooklyn.
- There we go. Backstory. Thank you.
Uh-oh, 8:15. We got to roll.
Barb, you know what you need to do.
Hi, Barb.
I thought we
were FaceTiming later tonight.
I took a gamble and left some dice
in your mailbox so we could play Yahtzee.
I had a naughty dream about you
last night. I thought we could finish it.
Do sexy thing with-- oh.
Oh, my. Well, actually, I'm over at Mom's,
helping her with something.
Can it wait?
I knew it. This is why I don't
date buttoned-up, corporate-type Stan.
Everything has to be on a schedule.
Maybe this isn't going to work.
No. No, no, no, no.
I'm good.
- I'm here.
- Are you sure?
Because I have needs, Stan--
physical needs that have to come first
- if this is going to work.
- Of course. I never--
Stan, is this a mole
on my ankle or a raisin?
I don't know, Mom.
Just give me a minute.
I need a man of spontaneity
who doesn't follow all the rules.
Are you a banker or a lover?
I would like to think
that I'm capable of being both.
Ow!
It was a mole.
I cut it off. Now I'm bleeding.
- Hold on.
- Hold on? Love doesn't hold on.
Oh, boy.
That is a bit of a gusher here.
Put some pressure on it.
Stan, I need to know
what kind of a guy you are.
I'm the guy who will rail you
deep into next week, Barb Martinez.
- Beg pardon?
- I got what you ache for girl.
I will bend you like
a pleasure pretzel and devour every hot,
- salty curve of that sweet Barb booty.
- Oh, my.
Let's work each other's bodies
until we're like two worn out, dirty
dish rags with every
last orgasm squeezed out of us.
- Too much?
- No. No, not at all.
- I just wasn't expecting...
- Barb, I've had ladies
call me mild-mannered and leave me
for some pretty crude alpha males.
When you wanted to start dating, I
promised I wouldn't let that happen again.
So, I researched what women
find exciting about bad boys.
I took notes, put them
in a spreadsheet, ran the numbers,
and this is what it told me.
I needed to give you
something you weren't expecting.
You did that for me?
Holy shit, that is hot.
I did it myself because of COVID.
It took a few tries.
You don't want to see the other one.
You got to break
a few eggs to make an omelet.
Ugh! Stan!
These raisins taste terrible.
Barb, she's gonna
eat her whole foot if I don't...
Yeah. No. No, that's fine. You go ahead
and do your thing. I'll call you later.
Oh, my God.
- Okay, here we go. Are you ready?
- Yeah, I think so.
Although I do feel I should mention--
I mean, I respect that conning people
is your area of expertise,
but what if he starts asking questions
and we don't have the answers,
- and then he starts--
- Shit. Get down.
Get in the back seat.
Get in the back seat.
Quick, quick. Take your shoes off.
- What?
- Take your shoes off!
Now put them on your head.
Put them on your head.
Yeah. What?
Now, if I would have told you
ten seconds ago
that you'd be in the backseat
with shoes on your head,
would you have believed me?
No.
That's because when people are scared,
they don't think. They just act.
This guy's Twitter page says
that he's afraid of lightning bugs
and leaving voicemails.
I'm sure it's not going to
take much to intimidate him.
Well, you could have
just explained that to me.
I could have.
Collin Davis?
- Yes?
- Agent Danielle Sanchez, FBI.
We need to talk
to you about your involvement
in a conspiracy to commit tax fraud.
You gotta believe me. I didn't
know I was doing anything illegal.
The congresswoman just told me to take
all her art to New York, so I did.
- I knew she was up to something.
- So you knew?
- No, he didn't.
- He just said he did.
He presumed. That's not knowing.
We knew nothing.
Really? So I guess you didn't know about
the congresswoman selling the art
under the name Lucia Gonzalez so she
could avoid paying taxes on the profit.
- I was delivering her pay.
- Pay or payoff
so you can keep her quiet
about your little moneymaking operation.
The two of you,
the congresswoman and Mrs. Gonzalez,
are implicated in a scheme to
defraud the United States government.
The two of us?
I only agreed to help him out,
because we got in a stupid fight
about how I don't support his dumb career.
Dumb career?
Last time I checked,
my dumb career was the only thing
keeping us afloat
while you pursue your dream.
- Dance is not a dream. It's a calling.
- All right, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
The two of you are in a lot
of trouble unless you cooperate.
Yes, absolutely.
I will do whatever.
I will wear a wire. I will testify.
Take my DNA.
Ew. Uh...
Okay. We'll take this
to the lab right away.
Mr. Davis,
you've been driving the congresswoman
to her office, is that correct?
Ever since she broke her foot when she--
fell down the stairs.
We saw. We see everything.
She has a committee meeting
this morning that you'll be taking her to.
We need to be sure
she doesn't make it to that meeting.
- Why?
- None of your business why.
The FBI doesn't divulge
details of an ongoing investigation.
Here's how it's going to work.
You're going to pick her up at 9:00,
just like you always do.
Whether she's walking
the halls of the capital
or dancing in DC's hottest nightclub,
this congresswoman does both
in her chic orthopedic walking boot.
Okay, maybe just dial down the gay
to a seven today.
I'm not in the mood.
You'll say you
saw some traffic on your way in,
so you're going
to take Route 40 to avoid it.
When we were following you
the night you moved the art,
we noticed there was a dead zone
right past the sign for Oakdale Winery.
Lindsay, are you still there? Lindsay?
Not long after she
loses reception on her phone,
you'll round a bend in the road
and see Agent Harris.
You better not be stopping for another
stupid animal in the road.
- Uh, what's going on?
- Tree fell up ahead.
- Should be just a couple of minutes.
- Thank you so much.
- What's going on?
- There's a tree in the road,
- so we just have to wait, like, a second.
- I don't give a shit about trees unless...
Then, no matter what she says,
your job is to just sit there
and make sure
she doesn't have cell service.
Yeah, I don't think I'm going to do that.
- What?
- Wha--
If you don't do that,
then you're gonna go to prison.
And trust me, prison is no picnic.
- That's okay. I don't like picnics.
- Fine. It's no day at the beach.
- Eh. All that sand.
- God damn it, man.
Collin, what are you doing?
You need to cooperate.
I don't think you understand
who they're asking me to betray.
The congresswoman is evil.
- Trust me, I've seen things.
- But we're not just talking about you.
What about your boyfriend?
- You're going to let him go down for this?
- I've seen him go down for less.
- Excuse me?
- You know who I'm talking about.
Besides, all I've been reading about
is how they're letting people
out of jail because of COVID.
I'll call my uncle.
He's a lawyer.
He can probably get us probation.
Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle!
Just calm down, okay?
No one's seen our faces,
and those two are too busy
arguing to realize we're not legit.
- See? We're fine.
- Fine?
There's no way they're
going to cooperate right now.
We got to figure out some
other way to get this money.
What money?
You better pick this shit up, man.
You're phone. You're phone!
Melvin, not a good time.
Not a good time for me, either.
But since your ass cheek had the audacity
to call me over and over again,
tell me what's up.
What money?
You doing a job without me, Jake?
No. No job. Just, uh, I'm at the store
trying to get a refund for, uh...
Lavender and cucumber hydrating sunscreen.
I heard a girl screaming.
Yeah, some people freaked out
when I got closer than six feet.
- Listen, I got to go.
- Whoa. Hold up.
If you're at the drugstore,
can you get me some lady razors?
I feel like we're close enough
to tell you that I shave my legs.
- Really?
- Yeah.
One night when I was high,
I let a chick do it to me.
And once you get a taste of them
smooth-ass calves, it's hard to go back.
Good to know. Will do. Sorry.
If Collin is not there
to pick up the congresswoman,
she's gonna order an Uber to take her
to the meeting, which means in 15 minutes,
any chance we had at pulling
this thing off goes out the window.
Someone needs
to pick up the congresswoman.
Who?
Well, I have to be at the bank,
and you know how to drive, so...
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
No.
- 14 minutes.
- 14 minutes to what?
Stan has a nipple ring, and I'd be lyin'
if I said I wasn't a little intrigued.
There's no time, Barb!
Things went sideways! Where's Rooster?
Rooster, get in here!
Things went...
What word did you use?
Sideways.
Oh, I like that.
Things went sideways.
Well, what direction
were they supposed to go?
Not sideways!
The Congresswoman's aide
wouldn't agree to help us,
so we had to restrain him
and his boyfriend and take their phones.
Jack is gonna have to drive
the Congresswoman.
Remember, she's not gonna
report this money missing.
Plus, you'll be wearing a mask,
so you'll be fine.
You just need to get her
into the dead zone by 9:15.
- Got it.
- Okay.
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine,
9:15 submarine...
What are you doing?
A mnemonic device.
Helps to remember.
You don't get cell reception
in a dead zone,
which is like bein' underwater,
like a submarine.
9:15 submarine!
Rooster, now that Jack is driving,
I need you to be the flagman.
And you have to leave now!
What?! I just got a handle
on the auction house guy.
I gave him a lisp
to make him seem sympathetic.
I'm not asking, I'm telling.
We need someone
to stop Jack in the dead zone
to keep the Congresswoman
from getting bank alerts.
You need to find a stop sign
and a uniform.
Top shelf, closet.
I went through a vest phase
in the '90s.
I don't know anything about flagmen.
I mean, who is this guy?
Is he married?
Why do they call him a flagman
if he holds up a stop sign?
Hold the stupid sign up
and say there's construction up ahead.
And we need someone else to read
the script that I gave you
and pretend to be
from the auction house.
I hate to have to ask this, but...
can Wiggles read?
It is a fair question.
She can read.
I think.
Have you seen it performed?
I've seen her read a sunscreen bottle.
Yeah, she burns really easy
and, uh, she needs a really high spiff.
Good enough.
Take her the script
and then get yourself to Route 40.
Past the sign for the Oakdale Winery.
Jack is gonna be there at 9:15,
so we all have to hurry.
I think that's the best we got.
If anyone asks, just tell 'em
you were a flagman in Vegas.
Are you still sure
all this is gonna work?
Nope.
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine,
9:15 submarine, 9:15 submarine...
Whoo!
Collin feels awful about this,
but we are right on schedule.
You need to lose the mask
in case somebody takes a picture.
If I'm gonna keep my base,
I need to avoid masks like the plague.
I guess your snowflake son
forgot to tell you to pick up the coffee.
We'll have to stop.
So much for being on schedule.
No texting and driving.
Gonna run somebody over.
I don't need that shit
on my Wikipedia page.
Let's go!
Jack is gonna have the Congresswoman
in the dead zone in ten minutes!
What the hell are you wearing?
The hottest time me and Stan ever did it
was in the '80s.
I was workin' for a regional airline,
and he was on one of my flights.
I was just feelin' nostalgic.
If you breathe in deep, you can
still smell the Drakkar Noir and jet fuel.
Get in the car!
Hi, yeah, I need something
called a latte.
What kind of milk?
Uh...
White.
She doesn't strike me
as a chocolate milk type.
Not a lot of whimsy.
What kind of white?
We have whole milk, skin milk,
almond milk, oat milk...
Kick her ass, Linda!
2% milk, 1% milk, plant milk...
Tony!
Hazelnut milk,
macadamia milk, banana milk,
rice milk, coconut milk,
hemp milk, buttermilk,
camel's milk, quinoa milk,
raw milk, flax milk,
cashew milk, goat milk...
Be careful. They were out
of all those little coffee cup tube tops.
I'm not saying the virus is a good thing,
but the herd does need thinning
and it's mostly killing old people.
Hang on, Grandma.
This is disgusting.
This is not what I ordered.
It's not?
Well, I got the biggest size.
You said you wanted a lot.
A latte! I said I wanted "a latte"!
We have to turn around.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't do that.
We're runnin' a little late.
Or latte.
Whatever pronunciation you prefer.
I think you got a long eyelash
or a short pube trapped in there.
Doesn't matter.
Stan's not gonna get that close to it.
9:15 submarine.
- What?
- Nothing.
No word from Jack.
It's go time.
Let's answer these security questions
and get the account number.
Bailey.
Dodge Neon.
Favorite song...
Shit. Is it "Groove Is in the Heart"
or "Groove Is in the Soul"?
Barb.
Barb, look at the essay.
What's the song?
Are you sure there's not a way to do this
that doesn't involve Stan?
What?
Now that I've been talkin' to him more,
I just... I feel guilty.
Give me the essay.
Just promise me he won't get fired.
He's not gonna get fired.
We have to do this now
or we're gonna miss our window.
You promise?
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Why does it always
have to come to this?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Grandma, you can't say that word anymore.
I understand that you met one once.
It doesn't matter.
I'm not saying it's not funny,
you just need to find a different word.
No, that one's worse.
Oh, shit.
You got a cop behind you.
No, not you, Grandma.
You better pull over.
I will. Just lookin' for a safe spot.
I think I saw a winery up ahead
that had a parking lot.
Give me!
Ugh, gross, it's warm.
You didn't have to mess up my hair.
All right, Lucia's favorite song
is "Groove Is in the Heart."
"Groove Is in the Heart."
All right.
Say a prayer.
Here goes nothin'.
No, I can't
turn the noise down, Grandma.
Grandma?
Shit, I lost her.
You lost her?
You better pull over now.
I'm pullin' over. I'm pullin' over.
Excuse me.
I need to talk to a manager
right away.
Stan O'Malley, Semi-Regional Manager.
I was just checking online
and my balance is off.
It is not right.
There has been a mistake.
Uh, no need to panic. We get this a lot.
Often a spouse makes a withdrawal
without your knowledge
and the balance is a little lower than...
No, no, it is not lower.
It is higher.
Like, way higher.
Two million dollars too high.
Oh, my. Okay, well, let me
get into your account and take a look-see.
I'll need your account number and an ID.
And I'll need to take a peek
under that mask to verify your identity.
No problem.
This virus has me so worried.
I take care of my mother
and if I was to bring this home to her,
I would never forgive myself.
I know how you feel.
I take care of my mom, too.
One Covid germ at the tip of my finger
when I'm scraping
the gummy fish off her teeth
and that's it.
Ah.
Sorry for all of this.
I had to give my ID
at the pharmacy
and the girl that I handed it to,
she had a nasty cough, so...
Uh, actually, okay, that's fine.
Just... I can see it from there.
No, you don't need to take your mask off.
I can tell it's you from the eyes.
Okay. Thank you.
Account number?
Get your license out.
I'm already running late.
I don't have a...
I mean, I forgot my...
What do you think the cop is waiting for?
Probably running the plates to make sure
the car wasn't reported stolen.
You ever work out
with those giant rubber bands?
They're pretty strong, right?
I mean, if you accidentally got 'em
wrapped around your wrists
and your ankles,
do you think you could chew your way free?
I'm gonna need you
to step out of the vehicle, sir.
They had to change the plan.
All you gotta do
is read the script when Gloria calls.
Can you read... it?
Sure. I'm a good reader.
I got a perfect score
on the verbal section of the SAT.
Zero on the math, though.
They say it's never been done
before or since.
Hi, Larry.
Keys on the peg board so you don't pop
the plastic safety bubble.
Thanks for being a hero.
You think you can keep that cop busy
for a couple hours?
They don't call me Wiggles for nothing.
Well, I thought they called you Wiggles
'cause you wore wigs.
It's a homonym.
Oh.
You actually thought this was a good idea?
Better than tryin' to hold traffic
for 20 minutes
in a bedazzled butterfly vest? Yeah.
Plus, I know way more
about cops than flagmen.
Excuse me. Hi, Officer.
I'm a US. Congresswoman and I'm on my way
to a very important meeting.
Ma'am,
I'm in the middle of an investigation.
I'm gonna need you to keep
your head and your arms in the vehicle.
Gloria's gonna need
at least ten minutes in the bank.
How the hell you plannin' on keep...
Sir, have you been drinkin'?
Okay, here it is.
You had a large deposit
from an auction house.
Did you sell something recently?
My papa died
and we sold off all of his horse statues,
but we only got 25,400.
Okay.
Well, here we go, then.
They accidentally deposited $2,540,000.
How is that even possible?
Probably a sticky zero key.
Happened to me once.
I accidentally sent my sister
a gift card for $500 instead of 50.
Still didn't get a thank you.
Oh.
I like your tie, Daddy.
I'd like it even more
balled up in my mouth.
Barb. Oh...
Wow, you look, uh...
Just like I did that time
we got busy in the bathroom?
Allegheny Airlines flight 853 to Scranton.
Short flight, but a long ride,
as I recall.
I can still feel the turbulence.
So naughty!
You're the naughty one
with that sexy call...
Oh, my God.
I can see the nipple ring.
I saw a bump under your shirt before,
but I just thought you had tall moles.
I'm going to call the auction house.
How about you take me into the vault
and put a huge deposit into my box.
You know, like a safety deposit...
No, I got it. Um...
I need to speak to somebody
in the accounting department.
Look, uh, I'm in the middle
of a situation here with a customer.
I knew it.
Pierce all the nipples you want,
you're still
a boring bean-counter at heart.
Uh, Barb, wait.
You know, you talk a big game, Stan,
but when it comes down to it,
you're not spontaneous.
I can't be with a man who thinks
with his calculator instead of his pecker.
Hello?
I'm going to put you on the phone
with the bank manager, Donna.
He's going to save your job.
It's Donna from the auction house.
They're having a problem
with their hold music.
It's bleeding into the call.
Barb, ten minutes, please.
I'll give you three.
And then all this yumminess
walks out for good.
Hello, this is Stan O'Malley,
Semi-Regional Manager,
Second Union Trust.
Hi. Lucia just explained
the mistake I made,
and I'm hoping we can fix it
before my boss finds out
and I get into a lot of trouble.
Yep. Yeah, sounds good.
Uh, let's punch some numbers
and get it done.
All right, sir,
I'm gonna need you to stand on one foot
and say the alphabet backwards,
startin' from the letter T.
T... S... R...
Backwards!
That was backwards, asshole!
Still think stealin' a cop car
was a good idea?
Freeze.
We got a high-speed chase coming this way
and we need help setting up a roadblock!
Come on, let's go!
Duty calls.
I gotta help my boys in khaki.
Put your hands on the hood
till I get back.
Four, three, seven, two, five, one.
Okay, got it.
And you're sure
you don't want me to deposit it
into the same account
it came from?
I think you said it needed
to go to accounts receivable
so your boss doesn't find out, right?
Yes, right.
What she said.
Come on, face forward.
Oh, shit. I gotta go. Uh...
My boss is coming.
Thank you so much.
Let's go! I've got a very important
meeting about the Covid vaccine.
If I'm late, Bernie's gonna give away
free college tuition with every shot.
Yeah, uh, listen...
the cop was right.
I have been drinking.
It's 9:00 in the morning.
Well, I was nervous
to meet a congresswoman.
So when Collin asked me to cover for him,
I had a few pops.
And some Vicodin.
You know, if I just walk around
for eight minutes or so,
I can clear my head and then
I can get back behind the wheel.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doin'?
Screw it.
I'm driving left-footed.
- No. No.
- Wait, don't.
I cannot allow you to endanger yourself.
My son adorns you,
and Congress needs someone
who'll stick up for large corporations.
Look, I'll just look for reception.
You stay in the car.
There's lots of bears in the area.
They can smell your broken foot!
Typically, corporate frowns upon
overriding the transfer limit,
but in time-sensitive matters...
...it's not a problem.
Okay, transfer is complete.
Have a great day.
Do I have 30 seconds to splash
a little water on my nether region?
The scooter ride to work in humidity
really took its toll.
Make it quick.
And hit the pits, too.
Okay.
Never learn, son.
That's the shit we train for!
Who's with me?
- Hey! Get over here!
- Hey!
Sorry.
It happens.
Get in.
Wiggles can't wiggle forever.
I thought they called her that
'cause she wore wigs.
- It's a homo-limb.
- Ah.
Show... me... the money.
Oh, oh, oh...
Did we do it?
Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Oh, yes!
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Your father's an asshole!
That's not my father! It's the FBI!
They came to my house!
They said something about tax fraud and
you hiding money in a secret bank account.
You need to...
I'm coming!
I have to do this first!
They're on to me.
The bank...
the feds must have seized my assets.
Deep state.
They even know how you lied
to your housekeeper about
paying for her kid's college.
Stop talking!
Deep state is listening!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Hey!
Hey!
Hello! Guess who stole a cop car today!
- What?!
- This animal stole a cop car!
Worked like a charm!
- Like a charm!
- Like a charm!
I can't believe we pulled this off!
What do you mean
you can't believe we pulled this off?
You told me you were sure
it was gonna work.
- I lied!
- You lied?!
- I lied!
- She lied!
Well, let's just say
I did not penalize Stan
for his early withdrawal!
Oh!
You can read!
You have made my day.
That's so wonderful you're coming.
I know, right?
But I'm driving,
so it'll be about a week.
Don't go through Missouri.
It's a dangerous shithole. Just go around.
A Waffle House cook
flirted with me outside of St. Louis.
Your father thinks he was
in a human trafficking gang.
His tattoos told a story.
Jack, take I-40
if you want your woman alive.
Well, actually,
I don't know if Gloria's comin' or not.
I still haven't asked her.
Son, you have to nut up.
- What?
- Nut up.
I heard it on a TV program.
Uh, well, okay.
I mean, I'm trying.
But every time I look her in the eye,
I chicken out.
Talking was a lot easier when we could
just whisper things through the toilet.
Son, if you don't find a way
to ask this girl to come with you,
you are going to lose her forever,
so nut up.
Please stop saying that.
Hey, I'll call you back when
I know more details. I love you both.
We love you, too,
Jackie boy.
Love you, son.
Avoid Missouri.
What's this?
Everything you need
to start your new life.
A driver's license, passport,
Social Security number,
a teaching certificate...
the works.
Whoa.
I thought you said
this was gonna take a while.
Well, I couldn't let you be someone else
before I got what I needed from Jack.
Nice to meet you, Rick Ensor.
Nice to meet me, too.
Rick Enzzer.
En-sor.
I'll have to nail that down
before I get to San Diego.
Yeah, San Diego.
You're gonna be a great teacher.
Thanks.
And you're gonna be great in, uh...
Where'd you say you were going again?
I'm thinking Miami.
Oh, Miami.
The grapefruit city.
Swim town.
The party in America's basement.
They don't call it any of those things,
but yeah, the beaches, the nightlife...
I've got some leads on
some wealthy marks I can work.
It's kind of been my dream to live there.
Yeah. Okay. Well, cool.
That sounds like a plan.
Mm-hmm.
Or...
Or... what?
Or... lando is also
a lovely place to live in Florida.
But then I figured Miami's better,
so I stopped myself from saying it.
Right.
Well, I gotta start packing.
Hey, boo, you there?
Yeah. Yeah, Papi, I'm here.
I was just thinkin'...
I know Miami is your dream
with all the nightlife and, uh, fish,
I think you said.
You wanna come with me?
Is that crazy?
No. I just...
I wasn't expecting you...
I should have said something earlier,
but this is hard,
and I don't know why
because we talk about other things,
but I don't know, this is...
This is, um...
It's weird. I hear you.
This wall helps.
Oh, no, it's a godsend.
Look, I think we make
a pretty good team.
And not just with crime.
Even though it never happened,
the night we slept together
was pretty great.
I-I thought so, too.
I just wasn't...
It was the best thing
that never happened to me in my life.
It was great.
Look, I know I keep thinking,
yes, Miami is the dream,
but maybe the dream
is just missing something, you know?
Unless you came... a while.
Tap, tap. Is this thing on?
Yes, it is.
You'd have a blast.
We could keep ripping off bad people
and giving free stuff to nice people.
I love that.
Yeah, we could.
It's just...
Well, there's my parents and teaching...
And I'm not a criminal.
What if you came with me
to San Diego?
You might also love
not doing crime... perhaps.
You know?
Tap, tap, tap.
So I'd be your girlfriend
and we would double-date
with your parents
to early bird dinners?
Well, I don't know
if it'd be that glamorous, but yeah.
I think...
I think you deserve to live the life
that you've been dreaming of.
And I deserve to live my dreams, too.
And it sounds like maybe...
Maybe our dreams are a little bit too...
Different.
Hey, before we take off,
there is one more fun thing
we should do together.
Oh. Okay. Uh...
You want me to come over there
or should I just try to force it through?
No, no, not that.
At least not yet.
We have some
unfinished business first.
Paco. You won the contest.
You won the contest!
And there's a check in here
for $10,000!
That says $100,000!
$100,000!
Ay, Dios mio! Oh!
This is why we pray, Paco.
This is why we pray.
Melvin, thanks for driving.
You're a good friend, Melvin.
Yeah, yeah. This is bullshit.
What kind of God allows you people
to steal my money and my toilet paper,
steal my girl, jack up my truck
using it to kidnap a man,
and then that same guy makes you all rich
with a winning goddamn lotto ticket?
Well, he works in mysterious ways,
but you bring up a good point.
I'll pay for gas.
Oh, you're payin' for more than gas.
You're payin' for meals,
hotels, and snacks.
I like a premium nut mix.
So nice to meet you.
Thank you for being such a great partner
to my celly and friend.
I hope someday I can find a love
as great as you two have.
Ah, you will, Jeff.
I don't like white guys,
but some people still do.
So... hang in there.
Rooster. I'm gonna miss you, man.
You're like my brother
from another mother.
Which is good 'cause my brothers
from my actual mother were psychopaths
who tried to feed me
cigarette butts in my sleep.
Well, I'm glad
we're better brothers than that.
Barb.
I know.
Thank you for everything.
Two and a half decades,
I lived in a jungle.
Hmm.
For the first time in ages, you gave me
a chance to live in a loving home.
Of all the stray mutts and wounded birds
Rooster's brought home,
you two were my favorite.
Come here.
If you ever get sick of your real family,
just know you got another one
right here waitin' for ya.
My door's always open.
If it isn't,
clearly you can just break in.
Yeah.
Go on.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's this?
For the road.
A spiral staircase?
It's a condo you share
with old people, Jack.
You tryin' to get somebody killed?
Good lookin' out.
Flight 234 to Miami
is now boarding.
Jack.
- Jack!
- Jack!