Sprung (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Chapter Six - full transcript

Check it out.
That's a Claude van Woodson.

It's probably worth half a million
dollars if we can get our hands on it.

Are you serious?

What do you say, Jack?

Crooked politician lying to the people
while she cashes in? Bad enough for ya?

Why do we need a painting
if we're stealing a painting?

Because if we can replace this one
with a fake,

no one will realize the real one is gone.

Damn. That actually looks pretty good.

Perfect. Front and back.

"Happy birthday, Gloria. Love, Jack."



How much you think we'll pocket
after we sell this painting?

My fence usually charges 20% of the value,

but we haven't figured out
the final details yet.

My fence thinks I'm working with the cops
because I got out early.

We don't have a fence?

We should just call it off.

Call it off? No, no, no, no, no.
Somehow, we'll fix this. I promise.

What the hell?

Somebody beat us to it.

Wow.

How do you spell "cha-ching"?

Uh, never mind, it sounds racist.

They're supposed to be here by now
with that painting.

Maybe you should go check on 'em.



Huh?

What's takin' so long?

Someone beat us to it.

And they're not just taking the painting.

It looks like they're replacing
every piece of art she owns with fakes.

Did you tell Giggles about this?

Wiggles. Nah, I promise.

I told her I might be coming
into some cash, but no specifics.

Well, then who the hell
are these guys stealin' our job?

Probably Mexicans.
We gotta build that wall, bro.

Look, there goes our painting.

Maybe I can just run over there and make
the switch while they're in the house.

No, that is too risky.
Just give me a few seconds to think.

In a few seconds, they could be gone.

I promised Wiggles we were gonna get rich
from that ugly painting.

- Wait, you told her about...
- You said you didn't...

That's all I said. No more. She didn't
even know what a Congresswoman was.

- What?
- Rooster!

Look, we're getting that painting.

My kid's not gonna grow up
eating poor people's cereal.

We're gonna get the name-brand stuff
with high fructose.

- Highest they got.
- Wait, your kid?

Don't tell Mom,
but Wiggles and I are engaged,

so we're probably
gonna have a kid and shit.

- Good for you.
- Please reconsider.

Maybe I sneak up on 'em,
knock 'em out,

then we take the truck
and steal everything.

Or you could get shot
trying to fight like a caveman.

We don't have to. I was the fastest kid
in first grade for three straight years.

- I could...
- They're robbin' an empty house.

Why would they bring guns?

Everybody has a gun nowadays.
They don't need a reason.

We need that money.

I need an apartment in San Diego
big enough for me and my parents.

Plus, you said buyin' me
a new identity is not gonna be cheap.

Yeah, well, neither is a funeral.

Where's Rooster?

Oh, boy.

He's not that fast.

Okay, I think that's everything.

Let's get out of here before one of
the neighbors sees us and calls the cops.

Huh.

That doesn't bode well.

Okay.

What's goin' on?
Where's Rooster?

You raised a dickhead, Barb.
You really did.

Somebody beat us to the job.

Rooster tried to grab the painting
from the back of the truck,

but they took off with him inside.

They what?!

Damn it! I forgot to put my lucky penny
in my pocket.

That's why this is happening.

Are any of these heads?

- Oh, I got him.
- What?

They're headed north on Route 40.
A couple miles ahead of us.

Oh.

It's Rooster.

Oh!

I'm in the back of the truck.

We know.

Gloria's got one of those
spy thingies on her phone

that's letting us where you are.

It looks like
we're all in a game of Pac-Man.

Do you think
you'll be able to extricate yourself?

Maybe.

But I'm gonna need
to hear the rest of the plan

before I agree to shit my pants.

No, extricate yourself, not defe...

If they stop,
do you think you can get out?

I already tried.

Once the door latches,
it locks from the outside.

But if you guys are following me,
you could...

What happened? What happened?
Did the truck blow up?

We lost service. Ugh.
We must be in a dead zone.

- Oh.
- Just keep driving until we get service.

What? Uh-uh.

I had to listen to the whole soundtrack
of that Jimmy Buffett musical.

Shh.

Are you sure you tied everything down?

- I'm sure.
- Okay.

'Cause you've been sure
about other things.

If this is about the oat milk thing,
you can spare me your soliloquy, okay?

Just double-checking.

'Cause last night you were sure
you put the oat milk in the fridge,

but when I woke up in the morning,
it was on the counter.

Okay, I take Ambien
because someone snores,

so I occasionally make a bowl of cereal
in my sleep. Relax.

Well, I'd love to see how relaxed you'd be

if you started your morning
with a room-temperatured smoothie.

You're sure, huh?

I'm starting to doubt myself a little bit.

I don't snore, by the way.

I have a deviated septum.
It's a condition.

See? Everything's fine.

Yeah, well, I'll go get
some drinks and you can fill up the truck.

That's it? No apology?

Why is my dad paying for therapy
if you're not gonna do the work, baby?

Ooh.

Oh, shit!

I had him, but I lost him again.

Hey, what are you doing?
I told you I would get the drinks.

Yeah, well, you keep buying me diet tea
and I hate it.

Huh? Oh, I guess I'm just subconsciously
worried about your health.

Oh, please.

Equinox has barely been closed
for two weeks

and you're already worried
about your mama

calling you a "chubby chaser" again.

Please.

If I cared what my mother thought,
I'd still be dating Jessica.

Trust me,
I will always love every pound of you.

Mm. Thank you. I love you too.

And if you don't like diet tea,
I'm sure they've got sparkling water.

It's gonna be a long night.

Mm. I can't believe
we're going to New York

and the only thing that's opening
on Broadway is a new Covid testing site.

Okay, why is your boss
making you do this again?

I mean, replacing art
in the middle of the night

and driving to her condo
in Manhattan, babe.

She's a Congresswoman.

I mean, shouldn't our tax dollars
be paying for a moving company?

For all I know,
this is some sort of test.

If there's anything I've learned
while working for Cruella de Capitol Hill,

you don't ask questions.

- Is he back yet?
- No.

Ah, damn it!

I knew I should have put that chip
in his neck when he was a baby.

The vet said he'd do it for 50 bucks,
but my husband thought I was crazy.

Well, who's crazy now, Enrique?
Who's crazy now?

Mommy!

Mom, I won a free ticket!

Nice!

That means you're still in the game, baby.

Damn. I was so close again.

I think you're scratchin' too fast.

Try scratchin' a little slower.
That sometimes works for me.

Fruity Bingo Millionaire?

I thought you said that any prize
over 20 bucks was impossible to win.

I've had to step up my game recently.

Check it out.

Oh, who's that?

I met him online.

Jean Michel Duklon.

Sounds like a perfume.

It's French.

He's got an accent
that could wet a saltine cracker.

Gross.

He's definitely out of my league.

But if I can get rich
by the time we meet in person,

it should even the playing field.

Plus, if I'm rich, you're rich.
You won't have to steal as much.

And most importantly,
people will stop lookin' down on us

like we're beneath them.

Like we're a couple of clowns.

Mm! Damn!

One banana shy.

Here.

Free ticket.

You're still in the game.

Aw, thanks, sweetie.

Well, on the bright side,
we can't go to jail for this

because we technically
stole our own painting.

Buddy, how could you grab the wrong one?

Because your old-ass mom
made an exact copy

nobody could tell apart.

Why the hell would she do that?

Because we told her to.

Stop pickin' on him.
He's had a long night.

Thanks, Mommy.

I had to hitchhike home
and I can't raise my right thumb,

so I had to use my left hand
and walk with my back to traffic.

You think only weirdos
pick up hitchhikers?

Well, trust me, it takes a real wack job
to pick up a backwards one.

She pulled over twice
to breastfeed her Cabbage Patch doll.

It's okay, baby.

If you would've grabbed
the right painting,

we'd all be rich
and never have to worry

about another thing again
for the rest of our lives, but...

It's okay, baby.

It doesn't make any sense.

Why would the Congresswoman steal
her own art and replace it with fakes?

Maybe she's leaving the old guy and this
is her way of getting around the prenup?

Wouldn't blame her.

Can't be easy keepin' a lady boner

while peelin' off
your lover's adult Pampers.

You stay up late enough,
you see it all.

Could be an insurance scheme.

Replace the art, light the house on fire,
and collect the cash?

Whatever it is,
she's up to something.

I say we blackmail her.

Mom's awesome at blackmailing.

Tell 'em how you saw the mailman
sneaking out of the neighbor's house

when her husband was out of town.

She hasn't put a stamp on a letter since.
Tell 'em.

Basically, what he said.
I just tell it a little funnier.

We don't even know
what the Congresswoman is hiding.

So? I'll just keep watchin'
the cameras until she slips up.

Trust me,
blackmail is my specialty,

along with casseroles,
winemaking, and prostate play.

Mom crushes that shit.

He means the first three.

We're not blackmailing a Congresswoman.
It's too risky.

Uh, way too risky.

Oh, I see.

So, for weeks, Rooster and I
just blindly follow along with your plan,

assuming you know what you're doing,

and now that it blew up
in your face, you're quitting?

I'm not quitting, Barb.
It's just, I'm a con artist.

I have standards.
Blackmailing is a little beneath me.

So, I'm beneath you?
Is that what you're sayin'?

No, she didn't mean anything by it.

I just don't think it's smart.

So you're callin' me stupid?

I'll blackmail her with you, Mom.

Thank you. You see?

Even Rooster thinks it's a good idea,
and he actually is a little slow.

I'm sorry, Roo.
I'm just makin' a point.

Sorry for what?

Why don't you just admit it?

You look at me,
and all you see is a clown.

Whoa. No one's callin' anyone a clown.

You know, maybe this is all a blessing.

We didn't have a fence
to move the painting anyway.

I'm sorry. What?

We would have found someone.

You knew about this?
So, you're keepin' secrets now?

Well, I wouldn't call it a secret. I mean,
we haven't really had time to talk.

Barb, you're being silly.

Silly?

My son may never be able
to open a pickle jar for me again,

and you didn't even have a buyer lined up?

I had one, but he got spooked
when he saw the cops in the front yard

because you stole the neighbor's
fizzy water thing, like a dumbass!

There it is!
Dumbass!

I need to consult the encyclopedia, but I
think that might be even worse than clown.

You know what?
I think we're done here.

I agree.
Let's all just get a little sleep.

I think we're all a little tired
and stressed out.

I, for one, would like a warm milk.

Anyone else like one?

No, I mean we're done.

I've been feedin'
and housin' you two for weeks,

and what do I have to show for it?

I thought, at the very least, one of you

might do something about that crow
that wakes me up every morning.

But no, no, that's Barb's problem.

And you, takin' this bitch's side
after all I've done for you.

Hey, watch who you're calling
a bitch, bitch!

Or not.

I think it's time for you to go.

Yeah.

And don't come askin' Rooster
and I for money when we're rich!

Gloria, you up?

Ooh. Diamond, hold on.

Yeah, baby, I'm up.

Diamond is givin' me a makeover 'cause
I had to join a gang for protection.

There's no mirrors in here,
but she says I look good.

Oh, she looks hot as shit.

I'm sure you look great.

What's that word you said
young guys use when they talk to girls?

- Boo.
- Boo.

I'm sure you look great, boo.

Hey, something's comin' your way
from the commissary.

- Your favorite.
- Ooh, a Kit Kat?

Maybe. Keep an eye out, boo.

Hey, I had a dream about you.

We were on the beach
and we were holding hands.

And when I woke up,
I was holding my own hand.

Aw, that's so sweet.
I had a dream about you too, boo.

You're usin' it too much.

We were getting married.

My parents were there.
They were so proud of me.

And your sister was there too.

That stuck-up puta was there?

Yeah, and she was so jealous
about how great your life was goin',

she threw a plate of shrimp at you,
knocked the cake down,

and then she started
makin' out with my Aunt Kathy.

Like I said, it was a dream.

Ah, still, I'd love to see that.

Hey, unless your girlfriend
wants to talk to a real asshole,

let's wrap it up.

I gotta go, boo.

His celly has to go, poo.

Okay, hit me up later, Papi.

Okay.

Girl, he's dreamin' of wifin' you.
That fool is in love.

He's not a fool.

He's just young and romantic.

Damn. You fallin' in love too?

No.
I don't know.

Shut up.

Hey, look, Kit-Kat rat!
Girl, you found your king!

Oh, maybe we should've bought food
instead of liquor.

Are you kidding me?

When a job this big dies,
you don't have a snack, you have a wake.

Whiskey's harsh, isn't it?

You've never had whiskey before?

Ah, I was a kid when I got into prison.

Back then, I didn't think it got
any better than Natty Boh and Zima.

Well, today you become a man.

Not a rich man, unfortunately.

I never wanted to be rich.

I just wanted to... be.

I thought my parents
were finally gonna be proud of me.

I was gonna swoop in like a hero,
get 'em out of that retirement home.

Now I gotta call them and ask for money.

Yeah, I hear you.

I'm gonna have to call
my perfect little sister

and listen to her give me
an earful of judgmental shit.

Actually, I am hungry.
Maybe whiskey was a mistake.

Oh, I have something for you.

I was savin' it as a celebration
for when we finished the job, but...

I know you don't love it
when I bring up us in prison.

But...

I'm gonna let this one slide.

Come on, we have to find a Western Union.

Hey, those things break into pieces
if you feel like sharin'.

Got the car back.

Cost me more than it was worth,

but can't put a price on the place
where you birthed your baby boy.

Almost birthed your baby boy.

I sneezed while I was pushin' you out,
you caught air,

and your head landed
in the parking lot of a Denny's.

Whatcha doin'?

Droppin' eyes on this house.

Pretty fancy, huh?

Right?

Hey, check this out.

Cameras have speakers.

House, turn on the lights.

Holy shit.
The house understands you.

Tell it to dance.
I saw that in a cartoon once.

Oh, baby,
it can only do certain things.

But it can turn on the TV,
we can make it hotter or colder.

Hell, even has a gadget
where you can spy on the dog

and make it give it a treat.

House, give the dog a treat.

Robots.

Gloria doesn't know this, but I changed
the address on their Postmates account.

Sometimes, late at night,
I whisper to it

and somebody brings me French fries
while I watch their HBO.

I have to watch it with the sound off
so I don't wake 'em up,

so it's kind of hard to follow, but...

I think some hobbit dude
is gettin' ready to hump a dragon.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Twenty-five cents less
I have to ask my parents for.

I might as well get this over with.

How much money
are you gonna ask them for?

- Maybe, like, 500?
- Mm.

That might get me
a bus ticket to San Diego,

and hopefully this virus thing won't last
too long so I can sleep on their floor.

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, as long as you're asking,

maybe you can ask for a thousand
and then give me half?

What? What?

I'm just saying, there's no need
for both of us to be humiliated.

That's a solid plan.
Tiny tweak, though.

Why don't you call your sister
and give me half?

Because your parents
are kind and sweet and love you.

Last time I borrowed money
from my sister,

she included it
in the family Christmas card update.

Rock, paper, scissors?

Fine. Best two out of three.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh. Okay.

What the hell.
Probably never see you again.

That's not social distancing.

Paula Tackleberry?

She's in the shower.

Careful, sweetheart. Looks like
Lucia waxed the floors while we were away.

Oh.

Ma, they're home!

I'll be down in a minute.

I'm tryin' to apologize to God
for killin' that crow,

and he keeps changin' the subject.

Hey, little buddy. You like those treats,
huh? You want another one?

You want another treat, buddy?

Hey, Where'd you go?
Thought you wanted another treat.

House, give the dog a treat.

Come on, come get your treat.

Uh-oh.

Whoa. Huh.

Oh.

Mm.

How do I look?

It's a phone call.

You could've just said great.

Uh...

- I really appreciate you...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello?

Hi, it's me. It's Gloria... me.

Are you drunk? It's the middle of the day.

No, I'm not. I'm...
I... I have a question. Um...

Do you think you could...

Is there any way you could, um...

Gloria, this isn't really a great time.

I'm volunteering at the food pantry.
Did you get arrested again?

- 'Cause I'm not gonna...
- No, I'm not in jail.

It's complicated, okay? I, uh...

Just, I... I need, uh...

Bye, Anna. You suck.

What are you doing?

You don't have to ask her.

Are you gonna ask your parents?

No.

I have a better idea.

You sure this is safe?

Don't worry, someone told me
exactly how to rob this house.

Who?

Her.

Hey.

Rooster's talkin' about watchin' a movie
if you're interested.

No can do.

Jean Michel Duklon and I
do all of our sexy texting on Sundays.

The Lord rests on the seventh day,

so I like to get my naughtiest
when he's not lookin'.

It gets pretty wild.
I have a safe emoji.

If you see a sock on the bedroom door,
do not disturb.

And here's the bathroom.

You'll wanna do your showering
during the day.

That window doesn't fully close,

so your willy
is gonna get chilly at night.

Oh...

If you wake up in the night,
make sure you step on the right stains.

Otherwise, the stairs will squeak
and you'll wake up the whole damn house.

I hope that's everything.

We have to load up your bank account.

Oh, don't worry, it's all here.

All except my emergency health fund.

Oh.

If you're hungry,
I hide all the snack foods under the sink,

or Rooster eats it all in one day.

You're gonna wanna be careful, though.

Pay attention to the first couple bites.

If the jerky tastes like bleach,
there's been a leak.

Oh, what the hell, man?

What the hell are you doing in here?

- I... I couldn't fall asleep.
- Oh, my God.

So, Mom drove me around

until I passed out
like when I was a baby.

But now I'm too big to carry inside.

What the hell is goin' on?

Are you two stealin' my car?

And my snacks?

And my son?

Well, what did you expect, Barb?

You kicked us out of the house
without any money.

We gotta survive somehow.

I was about to fight a pigeon
over a Dorito.

It was either rob you
or call our families and beg for money.

We didn't wanna look like failures.

We... We didn't want them
to think that we were...

Beneath them?
Like they're better than you?

Like you're a couple of clowns?

Like exactly what you did to me

in case you're not pickin' up
what I'm puttin' down?

No, I get it.

I'm sorry. You're right.
I shouldn't have said those things.

Well, it just... kinda stung a little
'cause I thought we were gal pals.

We are. We are.

And I don't think
that I'm better than you.

If anything, you're better than me.

I wouldn't have welcomed convicts
into my home, clothed them, fed them...

Put Jolly Ranchers
on their pillows at night.

What? You haven't done that
for me in years.

You don't suck 'em fast enough and you
end up with half a Rancher in your mouth,

and it's a choking hazard.

That's true. I am a slow sucker.

Look, the point is,
we are really lucky to have met you.

And if you think that blackmailing
the Congresswoman is a good idea,

then I am more than happy...

I don't just think it's a good idea.
I know it's a good idea.

Wait till you see what Rooster found out.
Come on.

House, give the dog a treat.

Oh, shit.

What the hell was...

Oh, no, no, no!

- Oh, boy.
- What happened?

- Oh!
- Oh!

I think I broke my ankle.

Your stupid dog
knocked over the Getsenburg!

Honey, honey, calm down.
You're gonna have another heart attack.

If he's gonna die,
I don't wanna watch this.

It's fake. I replaced all the art.

The real stuff's
in the condo in New York.

I'm gonna sell it.

Did you tell me this before?
Am I losing my mind?

No, I didn't tell you
for your own good.

Remember how nervous you got
when I told you I used insider trading

to get out of the stock market?

Oh, yeah.
Had a heart attack.

Had to start wearing diapers.

Told ya. Adult Pampers.

Now, try to stay calm.

I figured out a way to save
and make a fortune.

Right after we approve the vaccine,

I'll know exactly which drug companies
to invest in before anyone else.

Oh, this bitch is evil.

But the IRS
is already all over us for that last deal.

Which is why I had our housekeeper
open up an account in her name,

giving us full access so we can
contribute to her kid's college fund.

We'll run it all through there.
That way, if we get caught...

It'll look like
the housekeeper robbed us.

Bingo!

- Ah, come here!
- Oh!

Mmm.

Wow.

Huh? What'd I tell you?

She's dirty as hell
and we've got it all on tape.

I bet you we could
blackmail her for 200 grand.

We should get the dog too.
I can tell he's tired of all the drama.

Forget the blackmail.

What are you talkin' about?
Well, you heard what she said.

- She...
- Oh, I heard.

She's liquidating all their art,

lying to her housekeeper
about some bogus college fund,

and using inside information to get rich
while the people who voted for her die.

I heard.

We're not gonna blackmail her.

We're gonna make sure
she doesn't get away with it,

and steal every dime she has
while we're at it.

This just turned into a bank robbery.

Could you check and see if
I have any Cialis left in my system?

Cialis?

Oh...

Eh, I can work with it.

You're gonna wanna turn this off.

What's the first thing that a cop
wants to look at when they pull you over?

My titties.

Well, no, after that.

Barb. This is a lot of money.
I'm just asking you to...

Cheat.

You're askin' me to cheat
on the first man in my whole life

I've remained faithful to,
and it's not gonna happen.

Someone needs to tell her
her boyfriend doesn't exist

and she's being scammed.

Yeah, well, uh...

I don't wanna be here for that.

Absolutely not! We can probably...

Cool.