SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Swamp Mates/One Trick Sponge - full transcript

- Are you ready, kids?

All: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

All: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea? ♪

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow
and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense
be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!



- ♪ Then drop on the deck
and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Ready?

All: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

[adventurous music]

- Are you ready
for a bedtime story, Gary?



- [meowing, yawns]

- [groans]

[embellished accent]
Good evening, Gary,

and welcome
to Patstarpiece Theatre.

- Hot, hot, hot!

- Hmm, would you like
to hear an exciting story

about brave Sir Patrick
and the fire-breathing dragon?

[dragon roaring]

- [meows]
- [grunts]

Or perhaps a thrilling tale
of Explorer Patrick

on safari in the jungle?

- [roaring]
- [screaming]

[breathing heavily]

- [meows]

- Ah!

This is a good one!
"Swamp Mates,"

a story of two buffoons
in a bog!

[laughter]

[cringes]

Once upon a time,

there was a saucy superhero

with a pugnacious posterior

and they called him,
"Bubble Bass."

[alarm blaring, screaming]

- [laughs menacingly]

- Stop, thief!

- Hmm.

Hmm.

- [laughing]

- Excellent job capturing
Man Ray last week, Bubble Bass.

- Thank you, Anchor Man.

He was no match
for my mighty hiney.

- Hmm.

- [clears throat]
I call this meeting

of the Guild of Obsessive Fans,
AKA G.O.O.F's,

to order! Fellow heroes,

let us welcome our
newest member, Wonder Whale!

- Hmm?

- [clicks tongue]

It would appear
Wonder Whale is late!

[beeping] - Heroes!

- It's the chief!

- Wonder Whale isn't late.

She's been kidnapped

by the nefarious ne'er-dowell,

HooDoo GooRoo
the VooDoo Villain!

[all gasping]

- [yelps]

- [grunts] Don't worry, Chief.

We'll rescue Wonder Whale...

[banging] - Bubble Bass!

- Mother?

- Ah! Your mother! [whimpers]

- [groans]

- Why don't you go outside
and make some real friends?

- Mother, you know direct
sunlight gives me gas.

[belches]
Besides, I'm busy looking

for my Wonder Whale
action figure.

- I knew you'd say
something like that,

so your mother has scheduled
a play date for you.

- I'm not 23 anymore, Mother.

You'll just have to cancel it.
- It's too late!

Your new friend is already here.

Have fun!

- Huh?
- Hi ya, buddy!

Ready for our play date?

- I will not associate

with such a dimwitted doofus.

- Aw, you're just saying that.

- [grunts]

[grunts, gasps]

What! - [laughing]

- Put those down.

My poor little things.

Don't worry,
Daddy will protect you.

- [chomping]

- [grunts]

You've completely chewed up
my limited edition Anchor Man!

[growls]

- Sorry, I'm teething.

So, what do you wanna
do for our play date?

- Hmph, I have no time
for a cretin like you.

I must find my
Wonder Whale action figure!

- Oh! Oh, I'll help you look.

- Stop it, you clod.

Do not touch any of my property.

- That's okay.
We can play with my game!

[grunting] Let's play Swamp!

- [squeals] Wait, stop!

What are you doing? [shouts]

No!

[crying]

My precious babies.

- No problem, I'll fix it.

My Wonder Whale!

[panting]

- I got it! [groans]

[dramatic music]

[wailing]

- [grunting]

[shouting]

- [gasps]

Wonder Whale, where are you?

Help! I... require...

assistance.

- I've got you,
play date partner.

Uh, whoa.

Whoa... [nervous grumbling]

- [coughing]

Where am I?

[distant animal shriek]

By the enchanted spatula
of Suburban Dad.

We're in a real swamp!

Ew!

Why am I wearing
this collar of shame?

- I think it looks good on you.

- [grunting]

Ugh, I despise nature.

- Aw, you just haven't
given it a chance.

Smell that swamp air.

[inhales]

[gasping]

[sneezes]

- [gasping] My tongue!

Water, give me water.

Ew!

Where did you get
this disgusting liquid?

Whew. Slimy and refreshing.

- This can't be happening.

This place is a nightmare!

I'll never find
my Wonder Whale action figure.

- [menacing laughter]

- What is that?
- [shudders]

- [laughing menacingly]

- My Wonder Whale!

That crook stole
my precious possession!

Get him!

- Are we playing tag?
I love tag!

[light mellow music]

♪ ♪

- [groans]
- Tag, you're it!

[laughing] - [menacing laughter]

- [gasps] After him!

[both panting]

- [laughing]

[both panting]

Whoa-oh-oh! [grunts]
- Where'd he go?

- Perhaps he's in that
dilapidated dwelling.

- I doubt it.

Maybe he's in that shack?

[banjo music]

[machine hisses]

- Huh.
It's just some uncouth natives.

- Hello!

[both grunt]

- I caught these two
a peepin' through the window.

- They're thieves!
Trying to steal

our illegal hot sauce.

- Illegal?

- Our swamp sauce is so spicy

it can blow your head clean off.

- I assure you
we are not interested

in your disgusting hot sauce.

- Then what's he doing?

- [gulping]

[muffled shouting]

[whistle blaring]

- [yelps]

- Huh. You call that spicy?

[belches]

- Back off,
you backwater bumpkins!

[dramatic bluegrass music]

Run! - [shrieks]

♪ ♪

- After 'em, boys!

[both growling]

- [panting]

- [gasps]

- [gasps]

- You ain't a-gettin'
away that easy!

- Yee-ha.

- [panting, yelps]

- Ha, too slow,
you cold-blooded clowns.

[muttering mockingly]

Yipe!

[panting]

Those Crocs are catching up
with us!

- [groans] That hot sauce

has already caught up with me.

[belches]

- [gasps] That's it!

- [belching]

- What?

[rudder slowing, stops]

- [sighs] So play date partner,

what are we supposed
to do now. Hmm?

- [gurgling]

[laughing]

- [menacing laughter]

[sinister music]

- Give me back my Wonder Whale!

- Huh?

- Huh? Hey, wait for me, buddy!

- [laughing]
- Come back here.

[panting]

You'll swing for this,
you ruffian!

- I am afraid you are
the ones who will swing.

[laughing]

You ignoramuses fell
right into my trap!

- Technically, I'm a doofus.

- HooDoo Guru
the Voodoo Villain!

He's real!

- That's right, Bubble Bass,

and your precious
Wonder Whale is all mine!

- I dread to think
what horrific ritual

you will use it for.

- Huh? Ritual, shmitual!

I just needed it
to complete my collection!

- Stealing from
a fellow collector?

That's despicable!

I will thrash you, sir!

[grunting]

Can't break out. [bell dings]

- You're probably weak
from hunger.

Here, try some
of this spaghetti.

- [slurping]

Mmm! Glorious caloric intake!

Wherever did you find it?

- We're sitting on it!

[slurping]

[both shriek, grunt]

- Ouch.
- [gasps]

Ha ha! Evil never triumphs

against a truly obsessive fan!

- Yeah! Evil never triumphs

over a oscillating fan!

- [groans] Hm?

Not so fast, Bubble Bass.

I've got one more trick
up my sleeve.

Or should I say, up my glove!

[screaming] [laughs menacingly]

- A Patrick Star action figure?

Ha! No collector would

touch such trash.

- Plus, it's a choking hazard.

- [grunts]

- What's going on?

- That fiend, HooDoo,
is using his magic

Voodoo doll powers.

- [laughing]

[grunts]

- [choking]
- Sorry.

- I'll take that. [laughs]

[laughing]

[both shouting]

- Stop! I'm allergic

to centrifugal force!

- [laughing]

Uh-oh.

- Ha! I'll return this
to its rightful owner.

Me. - Well done, pal.

- Eww.

Both: Huh?

- Hey, Luther, Cletus,

I found them fellers
what blowed up our still!

- Oh, hi!

- [gargled] Run.

[dramatic bluegrass music]

- [whimpering] [all growling]

♪ ♪

- No, our only escape!

If only I had something
large and buoyant.

- I don't know what
that means, but...

Hop on, friend!

- Friend?

- Sure, you're my play date,
right, buddy?

- [stammering] Buddy?

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

- It's over, Bubble Bass!
Give up!

- You will never win, Voodoo,

because we have the power
of reluctant friendship!

[all gasp]

- Yeah, that's right.

Run away from
our righteous acquaintance!

- Uh, they might
be running from that.

- [screams]

[both scream]

♪ ♪

- [gasps]

- What happened?

- Oh, you were dead
for like ten minutes.

- Oh, it was all
just a hallucination?

Then my Wonder Whale
action figure

is still missing.

- Well, you may have
lost your toy,

but you've gained
an indoor pool!

Congratulations!

- [gasps]
My precious Wonder Whale!

- Bubble Bass!

What did you do to my basement?

- Perhaps the swamp
wasn't so bad after all.

[downtrodden music]

- Best play date ever!

- [laughs] Whoo-hoo!

This completes my collection.
[laughing]

- [mechanical laughter]

- Ta-da!

I did it, I did it, I did it!

I... whoa... [crashing]

- [meows]
- I learned a magic trick!

Sorry, Gary,
but I've been trying to learn

this trick since
I was a SpongeBoy!

[gasps] - [meows]

- I gotta show Patrick!

[laughs]

Patrick, come out,
I gotta show you something!

Patrick!

He's not home.

Oh! Squidward!

- [gasps]
- Squidward!

Squidward, Squidward,
Squidward, Squidward...

- If he thinks I'm out,
he'll go away.

- Squidward, Squidward!
- [grunting]

- Squidward!

I'm so glad you're home.

Got a magic trick to show ya.

- I... hate magic.

- How could anyone hate magic?
It's...

magical.

- [sighs] Okay.

Show me the trick.

- [laughs]

- [groans]
- Pick a card!

Oh.

[grunts]

[gulps]

[humming]
- Watch closely, Squidward.

The hand is quicker
than the eye!

- Can't watch, no eyes. Sorry.

- Oh, I wanna show
my trick to somebody.

[crying]

- [chuckles, yelps]

Ow.

- You're the best driving
student I've ever had, Rodger.

Kudos! - [laughs]

- Mrs. Puff!

Mrs. Puff? Mrs. Puff!

- Rodger, we have to move now.

Punch it!

[chuckles] I think we lost him.

- Mrs. Puff,
you gotta see my magic trick!

[both shouting]

Pick a card, any card!

- Hold on, SpongeBob.

I have a trick
to show you, first.

- [shouts]

- Sorry, Rodger.

We'll pick this up next week.

- Wait, Mrs. Puff,
you didn't see my trick.

- Okay, show me
the trick already.

- Pick a card, any...

[screams] - [sighs]

- [yelling]

Sandy!

Sandy, I gotta show you this!

Pick a card, any card!
[shouting]

Sandy?

Where's your head?

- Oh, sorry, SpongeBob,
didn't mean to spook ya.

My head's in another dimension

observing.

Hmm.

- Oh, okay. I'll come back later

when you have a head.

- It should be back by Thursday.

Friday at the latest.

- [panting]

- Who is it?

- Pick a card, any card!
- [yelps]

[accordion music plays]

Magic, eh, boy-o?

Is this by any chance
a trick where you produce

money coins from behind
people's ears?

Wink, wink, hmm?

- No.

- Then what's the point? Hm!

- Ah!

Hi, Fred.

I got a magic trick
that's gonna dazzle you.

- Ooh, are you gonna saw
my leg in half,

or make it disappear,
or pull a rabbit out of it?

- Uh, no, this isn't going
to involve your leg.

- Oh, gotta go, SpongeBob.
I'm washing my thighs tonight.

My leg!

- [crying]

Why won't anyone watch my trick?

[echoing] Trick, trick, trick.

Hmm...

Ooh.

Hey, that gives me an idea!

There.

Good evening, folks.
I am the great Sponge-dini.

Now watch closely.

The hand is quicker
than the eye.

Uh-huh, ha, pick a card,
any card.

[inhales]

[dazzling orchestra music]

♪ ♪

Hm?

Ta-da!

Aw, I still wish
Patrick was here to see it.

- I saw it, SpongeBob!

It was astonish-able!

[shouts]

- Oh, Patrick,
you showed up just in time.

What was your favorite part?

- Uh...

my favorite part was...

Ta-da!

I missed everything before that.

- Oh, then you
haven't seen anything yet!

[both yelling]

[both laughing]

♪ ♪