Space Force (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Lunar Habitat - full transcript

[rocket engine whooshing]

[steam hissing]

[Mark] There she is.

Sleepyhead. Another late night?

- Another early morning?
- You know what they say.

Early bird catches the worm.

Know what the night owl catches?

- [spits] What?
- Rats.

Yeah, well,
I'd rather eat a rat than a worm.

[chucking]

Having tried both,
I think you would prefer the worms.



Rats are very sinewy in texture.

Worms go down quite easily. That's why I...

- [blender whirring loudly]
- [stammers]

[whirring stops]

That's why I call them
the spaghetti of the ground.

Wow! Sounds crazy.

Uh...

you are going to clean up after yourself,
are you not?

I have to go to school. I'm late.

Hmm. Well, if you'd just gotten up
when your alarm went off,

you wouldn't be late,
so clean up the counter.

Jesus Christ, Dad. Get off my back.

I want you to go over there
and wipe the counter

because if you don't,
it's going to attract ants.



It's really not that big a deal, okay?
Quit being such a bitch about it.

Hey, hey, hey!
You do not talk to me that way.

Yes, sir, General Naird.

Get your keister in there
and clean the kitchen.

That is a direct order.

[door closes]

Damn it.

You're good with this, right?
You're okay with this?

Oh, he is not the father.

Uh, Mallory's in your office.

[sighs] What's the point of a waiting area
if nobody waits?

- [Brad laughs]
- Serious question.

Oh, uh, also, FLOTUS's office called.

The first lady has some thoughts
on Space Force uniforms.

We have uniforms.

Well, she thinks
they could use some refinement.

- Handle it.
- Really?

I don't know much about clothing design.

No, make it go away.

Your only job is to help me. So help me.

I'll do my best, sir.

Do my best.

The last 20 seconds has reminded me
that your best is terrible.

Understood.

[Mark] I doubt it.

You're late.

I have marital problems,

teenager problems, FLOTUS problems.

I don't have the bandwidth
for any more problems.

- What do you want?
- The lunar habitat experiment.

Mmm. Yes. Your moon tent.

It's serious, Mark.

If we can't prove
that we can live on the moon,

then there is no moon base,
there is no Mars base.

The lunar habitat experiment's
been going on two years.

If it fails,
then the whole mission is set back

by that amount of time.

So what's the problem?

Three spacemen and a civilian sculptor.

Jesus. A sculptor? Why?

The personality dynamics
are the subject of the experiment.

The sculptor's humane creativity

is meant to balance the rationality
of the astronauts,

but now, one week left,

one of them has gone...

Don't say AWOL.

- Mad.
- Thank God.

- I bet it was the sculptor.
- Uh, actually, it wasn't.

Okay, whatever.

Let's just find someone else
and throw 'em in there.

How hard can that be?

It's not that easy.

They had to be exhaustively tested

- for psychological fitness.
- Mm-hmm.

If we don't get a cool, calm,
collected presence in there stat,

this experiment is doomed.

Maybe the Navy can loan us
one of their submariners.

They have a superior mental fitness.

To be trapped underwater
with 100 men's farts,

you have to be so strong.

All right. I'll do it.

Mark, though an amazing commander,

you've had no psychological counseling
whatsoever.

Oh, no need.

My screws are tight.

Sir, with all due respect,
you'd go to pieces.

Dr. Chan, I have been chased through
the Bosnian woods

by the entire Serb 3rd Army.

I think that I can spend a week
in a plastic Motel 6.

I'm gonna pack my bag.

Tell my bunkmates
I'm headed to Crater Camp.

[Mallory] Um...

[Mark]
♪ Crater Camp! I'm headed to Crater Camp ♪

[door closes]

[sighing]

Obviously, a uniform designed
by the first lady would be quite a coup,

and I understand her desire
to support right-wing clothing designers

- out of fairness...
- Is that the first lady?

Let me talk to her real quick.

Uh, I'm sorry. I have to put you on hold.
One of our rockets, uh, did something.

Go away. I'm not on with FLOTUS.
I'm on with her chief of staff.

Oh, my sweet, innocent Brad.

Chief of staff
is only one step away from FLOTUS,

who's only one step away from POTUS.

You gotta develop the relationship, bruh.

Well, I don't know, bruh.

Well, it's happening. Yoink.

Hey, this is Space Force
head media manager F. Tony Scarapiducci.

Who am I speaking with?

This is FLOTUS Chief of Staff
Evelyn Murray.

- Evvy! Evvy!
- [whispers] No!

- Stop that!
- Oh, this is so exciting.

I can't tell you how thrilled we are

that the first lady has shown interest
in our Space Force uniforms.

But, of course, the process
of adapting our current uniforms

is complex and close to impossible.

However, doing the impossible, Evvy,
it's what we're all about.

To clarify,
while we welcome the first lady's input,

it is very important
that we manage expectations.

Translation, tell her to send over
everything she's got. We cannot wait.

I'm tingling. I'm actually tingling, Evvy.

- I'll talk to you soon.
- [beeps]

[exclaiming]

Ha!

What are you doing?

Naird asked me to shut this down.

And you also just punched a general.
That is not cool.

One-star general.
Always say one-star general.

I don't have to do that.

Just follow my lead, okay, Brad?

It's gonna be great.

You know, I could use a little vacation.

This is just what I need.

It's no vacation, Mark.

[chuckles]

Relax. I got this.

I am what used to be known in America
as a man.

So let's take a make-believe trip
to the fake moon, right?

[automated voice]
Decontamination process complete.

You may now enter the habitat.

[sniffing]

Wow. That is ripe.

Hello?

Hey.

We're making dinner. Come join us.

Hope you like potatoes.

Well, I'm not much of a potato man myself.

I like my starch in my collars.

But you folks
have really doubled down on the potatoes.

Say, looks like nice, rich soil here.

Wow.

Have you ever considered
growing asparagus?

From moon dust fertilized with our feces?

Oh, I never thought of that.

Hey, gang, maybe we could have grown
pineapples and chocolate pies.

You must be Major Jane Pike.

Microbiologist,
winner of the Carlos J. Finlay prize.

And now I grow potatoes.

Well, I would maybe lead
with the prize thing.

Captain Dave Powers, astronaut,

six missions to the ISS. Very impressive.

And yet here I am... with Jerome.

Ah, yes. The sculptor.

Have you sculpted anything
that I would be familiar with?

Perhaps a national monument
or war memorial?

I make giant phalluses out of sand.

They're in the Native American Museum
in Taos.

There's also one in the desert
right outside the base.

I thought that was teenagers.

[exhales]

Dave, I don't wanna give you
any unsolicited advice...

- Then don't.
- But your workstation is a mess,

and how you do one thing
is how you do everything.

There's a sticky film on top,
and, yeah, those are ants.

You've got ants in there.

No.

Yes, I can clearly see ants right there.

Well, that is impossible,
because there are no ants on the moon.

[snickers]

I'd like you to clean it up.

I don't take orders from you.

We're all equals here.

Except maybe new guy.

General New Guy.

Captain, Major, sculptor,
I would like you to clean this mess up.

Immediately.

Ten hut!

[groans]

[Mark] As you were.

Sick.

Okay.

Uh, hey, guys. My dad's away,
so party at my house here night.

Feel free to forward...

narcs not welcome.

[clicks tongue] Peace.

Yeah, okay.

[sighs]

[muttering]

[softly]
♪ Tuck and fold and make it tight ♪

♪ Do it once, and do it right ♪

♪ Even front and even end ♪

♪ Makes your rack your tidy friend ♪

♪ Tuck and fold and make it tight ♪

- ♪ Do it once and do it right ♪
- [blowing along to tune]

- ♪ Even front and even end ♪
- [continues blowing]

♪ Makes your rack... ♪

Hey.

I stopped singing.
You can stop that... ing.

[blows loudly]

[Mark panting]

There's a treadmill for that.

I prefer the open road.

- What are you guys up to?
- Feelings survey.

[laughs]

- What?
- I thought you said feelings survey.

Yeah, it's for Mallory.

It's a detailed diary
of everything that's bothering us.

It's kind of the point of the whole thing.

Like if we're upset that we can't sleep,

and then we stay up
thinking about not being able to sleep,

and that makes us stay up even longer.

Whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

You did not put that down.

I did.

That is not upset.

Upset is getting your plane
shot out from under you.

Upset is when a so-called smart bomb
misses the tank and hits a tour bus.

That is upset.

I will go out on a limb and say that
none of you have ever actually been upset.

- [grunts, groans]
- [clattering]

[Mark] Gah!

[grunting] Goddamn it!

Who put the tube on the track?

You broke it.

No, it still bears weight.

Not your foot.

My didgeridoo.

Oh, stop talking baby talk.
You're a grown man.

[Jerome] This was my one personal item.

Now I have nothing.

Well, maybe it would not have happened

if any of you knew
how to keep an environment clean.

I'll have you know that clutter
often goes hand in hand with creativity.

Well, kudos.

Both you and my child are very creative.

[Jerome] Oh, my...

[Dave] There's no way to fix it?

[Jane] He's got issues.

[Jerome] That's what I mean.
I think he did it on purpose.

Why can't he just follow the rules
like everyone else?

What seemed like an accident...

[doorbell rings]

Okay.

Hey... Oh.

Twenty pies for Erin Naird.

Am I at the wrong house?

No. Just give them to me.

Twenty pizzas is a lot of pizzas.

Yeah. Okay. Cool. Thanks.

[sighs]

[Mark] What are we missing?

- [Young Erin] Whipped cream.
- [Mark] Yes.

We have to have whipped cream.

- [whipped cream spraying]
- How's that?

More, Daddy.

More. All right. All right...

Here's a little bit more then.
How about that?

More, Daddy!

I didn't expect that answer!

There you go.

- More, Daddy!
- Bah! All right!

Let's eat.

- [dance music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[music and chatter continues on TV]

I heard him moaning,

"Daddy will give you more cream,"
over and over.

Ew.

That dude just makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know how I'm gonna get through
the next few days.

Subject four
was supposed to balance the dynamic,

but he's actually destabilizing it.

Instead of a solid four-sided square,

it's become a triangle of spite
against him.

His blood pressure is spiking.

And his bowel movements
have become miserly and unspontaneous.

[Mallory] Damn it.

A lifetime of military jackassery

has taught him
to repress and displace everything.

All this man does is eat his feelings.

Who knows what he is holding inside.

From the look of it, sir,
mostly mashed potatoes.

[Tony] Whoa...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd wear these.

- Yeah, so would the Greatest Showman.
- Okay, you know what?

The movie might have sucked,
but that soundtrack was fire.

Yeah...

[phone ringing]

[sighing] It's FLOTUS's office.

I'm ending this.

[exhales]

General Gregory speaking.

[Evelyn] Did you get the uniforms?

- Uh, yes, we did, and I have to, uh...
- Yes, yes, yes! And they were to die for.

But as wonderful as they are,

we do have some practical concerns
about functionality.

Have your troops tried them on?

- Well...
- Uh, no. [chuckles] No.

Well, FLOTUS would like to see
some pictures of them in action.

[sighs]

Uh, let me think about that.

We thought about it,
and, Evvy, we are all over that.

[Tony] All right, Cap'n,
show me what I wanna see.

Ooh, 'kay. Now spin it.

- Now pull it.
- [camera clicking]

- Now bop it.
- No.

- Bap it!
- No. Why am I in a cape?

I mean,
she knows we're not Avengers, right?

How many buttons does a jacket need?

By the time I get this on,
the war will be over.

Why are all these seams
pointing to my wenis?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you Tommy Hilfiger?

- What?
- No? Are you Hugo Boss?

- Who?
- No? Then shut the fuck up and bap it.

- Dude, I think he sewed them.
- No, I didn't sew them.

- Did you sew them?
- No, I didn't, but the woman who did

is an absolute genius
and has earned our respect,

so please just pretend
like you're into it, okay?

I'm sorry, I can't, because I'm actually
not that good of an actor. General.

Hmm? I'm sorry.

FLOTUS doesn't have the power
to force us to wear these.

I don't think.

I miss you.

I miss you too.

I like your...

- Oh, the cornrows?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, my roommate did it.

Yeah. It's not appropriation
when they do it to you.

Oh.

How are you?

How's school going?
Are you making new friends?

I really miss DC.

Yeah, I do too.

Also, my freedom.

But, honey, it's important to adapt.

Try to fit in.

- That's why I joined a gang.
- [guard clears throat]

Did I say gang? I meant club.

Basically, it's a book club. How's Daddy?

Insane.

He treats me like a total child
and then leaves me with a Post-it Note.

"Bye. See you in a week.

Going into the lunar habitat. Don't call."

[inhales]

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know, really.

And neither does he.

You know, those top military guys,
they're too afraid to get into therapy

because they can have
their security clearance taken away.

Ah!

Okay. Well, that explains a lot.

But poor Daddy.

A week away in a lunar habitat,
alone with his thoughts?

I spent two days in solitary,
and it almost broke me.

Wait. What?

I did what I had to do.

You take away my sourdough bread,
you're gonna get poisoned.

- Time's up.
- Mom.

He's probably feeling lonely too,
so you gotta be there for each other.

Too?

That hair is a cry for help.

It's a cry for help,
just like Daddy's lunar habitat.

- I prefer the brown hair. The brown hair!
- [door buzzing]

[door closes]

Sorry I'm late.
Nobody told me about dinner.

It's all in the schedule.
Maybe get with the program.

No problem.

I'll just whip up a bit of the old...

potato.

[crunching]

God.

[sighs]

[loud rumbling]

[whimpering]

- [indistinct voices talking]
- [dogs barking]

[moaning]

[grunting]

[Mark yelping]

[yelping continues]

[yelling]

Mark.

[Mark shrieking]

Mark.

[squeals]

Mark!

Huh? What? [grunts]

- [Jerome] Hey.
- Huh?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Do you want some scotch?
I've got a swallow left.

No, I'm good.

All right.

Well, uh, maybe just try
to scream slightly less?

- Roger that.
- Good night.

[panting]

[in soft falsetto]
♪ I like bread and butter ♪

♪ I like toast and jam ♪

♪ That's what my baby feeds me ♪

♪ I'm her loving man ♪

♪ Well... ♪

♪ She don't cook mashed potatoes ♪

♪ She don't cook T-bone steaks ♪

♪ Don't give me peanut butter ♪

♪ She knows that I can't take ♪

♪ Well, she don't cook mashed potatoes ♪

♪ She don't cook T-bone steaks... ♪

[Mark grunting]

What are you doing?

I gotta go for a real run.
Work off some of this energy.

Don't forget your space suit.

You can't breathe on the moon.

[Mark panting loudly]

[grunting]

[Mallory] Turn back, Mark.
You're overheating.

Sweat is weakness leaving the body.

Your heart rate is quite high.

And he still hasn't had a bowel movement.

Go back to the habitat, Mark.

I can't have this experiment fall apart

because you're too stubborn to admit

that you weren't right for this mission.

[panting]

- [door rattling]
- [Tony] Brad?

[phone dialing]

[Tony] Brad, are you on the phone?

[door rattling]

- Brad!
- [banging]

Go away.

[Tony] You better not be
making that phone call, Brad.

I am. I'm ending this.

[Tony] Brad. Sweet Brad,
don't ruin this for us!

[Evelyn] So, what do you think?

Uh, that's a great question.
You ask, uh, very good questions.

[Evelyn] And the answer is?

Ma'am,
this is very difficult for me to say,

but the uniforms,
well, they're just not working for us.

[stammering] I'm sorry, but, respectfully,

we can't go in this direction.

[Evelyn]
Okay. We'll send some more options.

Sounds good.

Come on, Brad!

[footsteps approaching]

[Jerome] Get out of there, toad.

[sucking noises]

[coughing]

He's alive.

[grunts]

No, no, no. Don't get up. You're too weak.

Ah... I'm not weak. You're weak.

Oh.

[groans]

Here. Eat something.

Mm.

Sorry. Potatoes again.

I've had worse.

Rats. Worms.

Rabbit when I got lucky.

[sighs]

I've eaten bugs.

Where'd you eat bugs, Mark?

I don't know. Various places.

Bosnia.

I crash-landed in hostile territory.

I was in the woods for ten days.

On the run.

Alone.

You're not alone now.

Let us help.

[Mark] And POTUS wants
boots on the moon by 2024.

How's that even possible?

I don't know.

Plus, China and Russia are trying
to take out our internet every day.

[Dave] Mmm.

People really like the internet.

- They're always checking it.
- [Dave] Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

And if I can't protect it...

Well, that's a lot of stress.

Yeah.

My daughter and I fight constantly.

Half the time, I don't even know
what we're fighting about.

Well, what about your wife? Can she help?

She's pretty much out of the equation.

- Oh.
- I'm sorry.

Have some more tea.

Tea fixes everything.

Oh. Thank you, Jerome.

[Mark on video] Nutley, New Jersey.

I would love to get my parents into
one of those assisted living centers,

but they're so damn expensive,
and my dad...

is really proud. He doesn't wanna go.

My mom's not quite all there,
so it'd be tough for her too.

[Jane] Mm.That's hard.

[Mark] Yeah. Well...

we struggle on.

- [Jane] Yep.
- [Mark] Mmm.

I am going to hit the sack.

Thank you
for letting me get that off my back.

[Jerome] Any time.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Was that shit real
about the planet-killing laser?

I'm just hoping it was a metaphor.

Yeah. It's probably...

probably a metaphor.

Yeah.

[crickets chirping]

Mmm.

["Bread and Butter" playing]

[all] ♪ He likes bread and butter ♪

♪ He likes toast and jam ♪

♪ That's what his baby feeds him ♪

♪ And he's her loving man ♪

[in falsetto]
♪ Well, she don't make mashed potatoes ♪

♪ She don't make T-bone steaks ♪

♪ She don't feed me peanut butter ♪

[groans happily]

[sighs]

Wow. What an adventure.

I've only been here a week.

I feel like I went to the moon.

And beyond.

You did, Mark.

You took a trip inside your soul.

Stared into a darkness
more empty than space itself.

Ah, art.

I'm glad you're here, Jerome.

People need feelings.

Shall we?

Spacemen, let's head home.

[applause]

[cheering]

Hey, Brad.

Oh, didn't expect you tonight.

[sighing] Anything happen
while I was gone?

Uh, it was, uh, pretty uneventful.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

How was the moon?

It was good. Glad to be back.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

Uh, let's take the elevator.

You're tired.

Yeah.

Here we go.

[elevator dings]

You will get rid of those uniforms
by tomorrow.

[sighs] It's Fuck Tony.

He's impossible.

I did a great job while you were gone.

- Good night, sir.
- Good night, Bradley.

[door closes]

[sighs]

[door opening]

[door closes]

Erin?

Dad?

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry about the mess.

I got ice cream.

You want some?

Yeah, that sounds good.

[soft instrumental music playing]