Space Force (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Space Flag - full transcript
Armed with weapons that are less than intimidating, Space Force soldiers - led by General Naird - play war games with their Air Force rivals.
Do you have your
duct tape, spaceman?
- Yes, sir.
- Good!
If you are hit by
a Red Team BB,
you will only have a couple of
seconds to patch it
before the air is
released from your suit,
and you are marked dead
by the game master.
Because there's no
air on the moon, sir?
That's
right, son.
General, if
we get hit...
Try not
to get hit.
Try to hit those Air Force boys
on the Red Team first.
Yes,
sir!
But say I poke a hole on my suit,
like on a cactus,
should I just lay down
and wait until Space Flag is over, sir?
Wait, wait,
laying down?
What the fuck is
that, "laying down"?
You seem very
intent on laying down.
This isn't about laying down.
This is about a battle!
It's just
that...
Sir, it's just a lot of weight,
and it's hot.
"It's gonna
be hot."
Yeah, we're gonna be in the desert.
What else?
And I'm already
kinda sleepy, sir.
Jesus
Christ.
Don't worry. In the field, each one of you
will be wearing an exoskeleton.
What the fuck
is that guy's problem?
Iron Man
pants.
You'll be paired
with a scientist
who can remote-control walk you
back to base,
whether you're
conscious or not.
Permission to nap
while the pants walk us back, sir?
No!
No napping.
Newborns nap.
Come on,
spaceman.
The war game
is very important.
It will help us pick
which exoskeleton system to buy,
Lockheed
or Raytheon.
Mr. Scientist,
which one is more comfortable?
Enough!
Come on, men.
All you need to
do is fight hard.
Fight
your best.
And know
that Dr. Mallory
is getting the best equipment
for the Space Force team.
And even when hydraulics are 90% damaged,
the XR-11 exoskeleton
can take a lickin'
and keep
on tickin'.
Now, what about
limb movement?
Texting.
"Astronauts should help each other,
not shoot each other."
Well, kind of
missing the point.
He's not a big
fan of war games,
but he's definitely the person
who should be deciding our tech.
Spacemen!
This is a great adventure
that we are embarking on today.
We are training
for the worst-case scenario,
but the best-case scenario
is colonizing the galaxy.
Imagine,
years from now,
you could be on some distant star,
harvesting corn.
Mark.
Ah.
Here he is.
Dr.
Mallory.
Well, I've sat through
both presentations
and, as theater,
they make Wild Horse High School
look like
the West End.
-Ha. Sorry. -Which
will give us the biggest edge?
I'd go with
Lockheed.
Lockheed!
Good!
Both are only designed
to get the spacesuits back to base
after an
astronaut is killed.
Spacesuits
cost millions.
-Spacemen, rather less.
-All right.
Roger that.
Over and out.
Neither is designed
to save the men.
-The systems are...
-What am I doing?
...basically
high-tech body bags.
-But the military's ritual slaughter...
-It's the one...
Oh, there we go.Okay.Phones.
All right!
Well, we have
the best system.
Now let's talk
about tactics.
General Naird sits,
sips his coffee,
for perhaps it
could be his last.
What are
you doing?
I'm joining the
battle as an embed.
Going Vice
News on this shit.
If I see you on the battlefield,
I'll shoot you in the face.
You will
not see me.
The hardened general keeps his distance,
unsure how to show his admiration
for this young reporter.
Mm!
Good, I'm
glad you're here.
I am going to need you by my side
all day today.
You are the closest thing that I have
to a number two.
So in war games,
that makes you my aide-de-camp.
In real life,
that makes me totally uninterested.
Five
years!
Five years I was Kick's aide-de-camp
at the Air Force war games.
Oh, he would love nothing better
than to see me fall flat on my face.
Okay. Well, then,
thanks for the title
of Make Believe Assistant
with No Real Power in a Fake War, I guess.
So, first things
first. The pre-brief.
Now, the pre-brief
is sort of a stare down between boxers.
Ah!
Well, then my vast experience in the ring
will finally come in handy.
You
know...
All right. I wasn't gonna
get into any of this, but...
How
do I put this?
These guys have
a very strict code of behavior.
Maybe this code is arbitrary
and excessively macho.
Why do you ask
to be ridiculed?
Wha... What about my behavior
invites ridicule?
Well...
the way
you... walk.
Arms...
like noodles.
Kind
of...
All right, so we're going into battle.
And you are dressed like Annie Hall.
Maybe you could
wear something...
Uh, how
do... Okay.
Maybe you
could be more...
Take off...
Ah. God.
Um...
Don't corner me
into saying something offensive, please!
So, now I'm
getting fashion advice
from a man who's
worn the same
50/50 nylon-cotton
twill trousers
for the past
40 years?
Adrian, there is
power in conformity!
Yeah, I
get it, Mark.
-You dress for defense.
-Exactly.
Whereas my style is a brave expression
of my fearless personality.
Isn't that ironic,
Mr. Military?
No, no, no, no,
no. Do not... Do not...
Okay. All right. I
get what you're doing.
Well, well, look
who it is, boys!
General
Mark Nerd.
Clever.
I suppose if I
tried real hard,
I could come up with a humorous spin
on your last name, General Grabaston.
Dr.
Mallory.
Hello,
General.
Here to observe
the exoskeletons?
I'm Mark's right-hand man,
his aide-de-camp.
Very
progressive, Naird.
This is my guy,
Clarke Luffinch.
Yo.
His arms look
like steel bricks.
We're going to
eat your guts, Nerd,
and wipe our
asses with your skin.
Oh,
really?
We're gonna eat your guts
and wipe your asses with our skin.
So the game of
mental chess has begun.
Hungry Hungry
Hippos at best.
What's going
on with the lights?
Sorry, I
thought it would make it more dramatic.
As a representative
of the Army,
they are making me referee
today's Space Flag
between Space Force
and Air Force Red Team.
Welcome to a day
of multiple challenges
testing you in all areas
of space fighting readiness,
culminating with a mock infantry
skirmish on the moon.
Question.
If we win all the events
based on science and computing,
do we really need to compete
in lunar laser tag?
Oh,
absolutely.
The skirmish is
worth 100 points.
The rest of the contests are worth,
I don't know, let's say 30.
So, in
other words,
it basically boils down
to a slap fight on the moon?
- It's a skirmish.
- Skirmish.
Okay. The Air Force has selected
the Raytheon exoskeleton,
and Space Force has chosen
the exoskeleton from Lockheed.
Come on.
Jim, I'm right
here. I can hear you.
If I may, Bert, I'm
concerned about
some of the physical aspects
of the competition.
I
bet you are.
Kick's airmen
are in their prime.
Space Force is
a new branch,
consisting of mostly
very green teenage recruits
and older astronauts
who spent ten years getting their PhD.
Excuses are like
assholes, Naird.
And you are a
huge excuse.
May I be
excused?
I would like to join my scientists
for the tech events,
while they pump themselves up
for Testosterone Tag.
I'm sorry, I
just got distracted by Naird's shoes.
My God, Naird,
how do you keep them so clean?
Look how shiny they are, sir.
So shiny I can
see up your skirt.
They're supposed
to be shiny.
"Mommy,
they're so shiny."
Shake hands. We'll
see each other on the battlefield.
Cute
pumps, Nerd.
I love
that suit.
It's not a suit.
It's an ensemble.
-Chosen with great care and
tact. -Shh.
Seems they found a chink
in your poly-blend suit of armor.
I refuse to be ashamed that I enjoy
a bright, shiny pair of shoes!
Oh, and Adrian,
"Testosterone Tag"?
No, no. Not fitting
of an aide-de-camp.
A title as meaningless
as war itself.
War is not
meaningless.
War is what democracies use
to protect freedom.
And freedom is what allows you
to talk that sass.
"Sass"?
I knew you would
fixate on that word.
"Sass."
Mm-hmm.
Spacemen!
Can anyone tell
me what that is?
Sir,
that's a line, sir!
- Nice.
- Negative!
That is
the moon.
Flat, desolate,
nowhere to hide.
Actually, despite
its lack of tectonic plates,
the moon's surface is
a complex topography
-of mountains and craters, among...
-Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, Bill
the Science Guy.
Thank you very much.
I will handle the training session.
Now, once the battle begins,
we will separate into two groups.
The first group will
make a wedge formation in the front,
and the second group
will remain in reserve.
Reserve.
Called it.
Dr. Mallory has also supplied us
with our firearms.
This is the Daisy
760 Pumpmaster.
Sir, is that
a BB gun?
Yes, it is!
That's a Daisy.
When I was a kid, we used to use those
to fight the poor kids
in the neighborhood.
Now, of course, that's...
that's not PC, but...
The choice of weapons and targets
was
deliberate.
On the moon, the
difference between life and death
can be as small
as a BB-sized tear in a spacesuit.
Ah. That's why
we've got duct tape.
Yes, spaceman,
duct tape will save you.
But don't worry, these
aren't the only weapons you'll have.
Each spaceman will
be issued a cuticle scissor set!
This will be used to pop spacesuits
at close range.
-Guard these with your life.
-Can I keep one of those scissors?
I'm always
losing mine.
These are combat
scissors, soldier.
Okay?
Many of you may not have used
one of these for quite some time,
so I'm gonna give you
a little refresher course.
You gotta
pump it!
Pump it up!
Pump it hard!
The harder you pump,
the more air will be in the chamber,
the more penetrating power
that BB is gonna have.
Really takes
a while, sir.
It takes about as long
as it took the minutemen
to reload their muskets
at Lexington and Concord.
And... like those...
great patriots,
we will be
operating in...
Powdered
wigs?
...a staggered
formation.
Where the front line will fire,
while the back line reloads.
Any
questions?
And fire!
Reload!
Second
line!
Fire!
Reload!
First
line!
Fire!
Ow! You
box of shit!
Friendly
fire.
Let's hope we never face
a battalion of empty cans.
You're
not helping.
Fire!
Nice shot,
Staff Sergeant.
Kiki
Rhodes, sir.
Captain Ali, a
good staff sergeant is a treasure.
-Treasure this one.
-Sir.
Well, stick with
me, Staff Sergeant.
Follow my
lead out there.
Well, I'd feel better
if you would have knocked the can down.
You ever
been in combat?
I was top of my class
in Intro to Combat Theory,
and I got an A-plus
on my end-of-term paper.
-Impressive.
-Thank you.
I hope I live long
enough to read that.
I... do hope you wish
you live long enough...
It was a damn good paper.
They don't just hand out A-plusses.
Calculate orbital period.
What's our radial trajectory?
Correcting for lunar
gravitation, 707.4.
You're a motherfucking math genius,
Vandeveld!
Satellite's
in range.
Locked
and loaded.
Say
goodbye, bitch.
Boom!
Come on!
Yes!
Come on,
come on! Settle!
-These are, uh, pretty bulky.
-Yeah.
The suits
are bulky.
And how I'mma fit my fingers
through these scissor holes
with these thick-ass
gloves, man?
The scissors.
They're tiny.
Tony. Yo,
do you mind?
Every spaceman has his role to play,
and mine is generating content.
The balloons.
They're bouncy.
Tony.
Tony! Get
out of my face.
Yes,
ma'am. Right.
- That's amazing.
- I don't...
-You're dead.
-Fuck you, man.
Damn
it.
All right! Let's
see what these suits are capable of.
Chambers,
give me a burpee.
Not
possible, sir.
You can't even do a
burpee in that thing?
I couldn't do
one before.
I can do
one, sir.
Oh,
my God!
I'm sure you'll all be pleased
to hear that the science team...
Da-da-da-da-da.
Why did you choose
the Lockheed suit?
These guys
can't even move in these things.
I'm sure the Air Force
is having the same problems.
May I speak to you
outside for a moment?
Little privacy,
please?
Sir,
yes, sir.
Jesus
Christ.
You picked the wrong exoskeleton
on purpose, didn't you?
What?
You couldn't
help it, huh?
You hate the whole idea of war
games, Space Flag.
Space should be a zone of wonder,
not of conflict and death.
No, I don't think that's it at all.
I don't think it's a moral issue.
I think
you're scared.
I think that you stink at sports,
and a long time ago,
you decided that if you can't win,
you're not gonna play.
What are you
talking about?
Oh, I can
just see it now.
Little nerdy Mallory
sitting in the nurse's office,
pretending to
have a tummy ache
so he doesn't get picked last
for basketball!
My father
was a diplomat.
I went to the American
school in Geneva.
We downhill
skied.
Oh, so you were
captain of the ski team, huh?
Fuck
you, Mark.
♪ Big girls don't cry♪
♪ Big girls
don't cry-iy-iy♪
♪ They
don't cry♪
Sorry.
I, uh, sometimes
sing to relieve stress.
Oh, no, no. No
judgment here.
When I wanna blow off steam,
I go to the tunnel under Building 5.
The acoustics in
there are unreal.
You
sing, too?
No, I usually scream into the darkness
until my voice gives out.
Highly
cathartic.
-Mm.
-So... well...
hang
in there.
It...
uh...
-I don't...
-That's my hat.
That's yours.
Okay. Okay.
Goodbye.
So...
All
right.
Don't know
why I did that.
Where you've
been, babycakes?
Working.
Why didn't you
return my DMs?
Social media cleanse.
The internet's for trolls.
Ugh. Come on. There
aren't as many trolls as people say.
The existence of troll farms
hasn't been 100% proven.
Oh.
No.
Are you gonna order anything?
The line's kind of long.
Why Erin is not
being nice to Yuri?
I thought we were going to have
lots and lots of babies.
We can name them
after your father's mother.
What was
her name?
Maiden name, please.
Do you even like me? Or
are you just using me to get to my dad?
That hurts,
actually.
Yuri's love is like
sprinkles around your ice cream heart.
Yuri and Erin is like Kim and Greg
from that popular American TV show,
Yes,
Dear.
Makes your father so happy
the way I treat you.
As happy as his
first childhood pet.
Which
was called...
What's
going on here?
-Uh, just getting dessert, sir.
-Before a battle?
God! Why are
you all so lame?
She has soft serve, sir.
- Get on the trucks!
- Aw, come on!
I just put
my order in.
Right now is when you decide
to have a backbone? Let's go!
Shut up, dude. Shut up.
What is wrong with you?
This ain't the third grade, ma'am.
Take your froyo like an adult.
I am an adult.
As a matter of fact, I outrank you.
So why don't you go ahead
and walk in front of me
while I finish this, Sergeant?
That's an order.
What's up, guys?
I used to be in Air Force.
Hey, let me get a quick snap
with the winners, huh?
Yeah, now
we're talking.
The science portion of Space Flag
has concluded.
Congrats
to...
whoever
won.
All that matters
is lunar combat.
It's for
100 points.
If your suit is
popped, just go limp,
and you'll be marched home
like a sack of manure on a pair of stilts.
The mission's over for you,
but those pants fight another day.
Man, we about
to get BB'd up.
I'd rather just
get regular shot.
You know how bitches
love the gunshot wounds.
Whoa,
whoa.
Bitches don't like
to be called bitches anymore.
Yeah, well, bitches
don't like a lot of things, so...
You know that word originated
in the 15th century
as a way to
demean women
who were just trying
to express their sexual desires?
Why do you
know that?
My college gender studies professor
made me write a paper about it
after I called
her a bitch.
-She sound like a bitch.
-Hey! Come on.
But she was
one, two times.
All right. Hey. All right.
Hey, do you
have a charger?
Yeah.
Charge this.
Do you have
a charger?
Air Force
ready?
Hooah!
Space
Force ready?
Uh...
Yes.
Let's
get it on!
Ho!
Hooah!
Here they
come! Spacemen!
Now is the time to prove ourselves.
Now is the time to shine!
-Get off your phone!
-Okay, yeah.
Pump your
weapons!
Pump
'em!
Pump
'em! Pump 'em!
Alpha Squad!
Move out!
Go, go!
Move out!
Go! Move out!
Ow.
Oh.
Oldsters!
Some gentle
stretching!
Move
out!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There are a hundred screens,
can't one of them be PBS?
You
can't hide forever, Nerd!
I'm gonna
eat your liver!
Phew. Boy, it's
a hot one today.
"C," let's go!
Move out,
boys! Move! Move! Move!
Is this footage
in slo-mo?
-Come on!
-I got you, go!
That's it, Space
Force, cover and run.
Ah,
God.
Man down.
Walk his combat suit back to base.
Oh, shit!
That was close!
Ah. They're
everywhere!
Come on! Get up, spacemen!
Show some heart!
Go! Go!
There you go!
-Yeah! -That's
the spirit, that's the...
- Oh, God!
- No!
- Julio! Duct tape!
- Duct tape! No!
- I got you. I got you.
- Duct tape!
Oh,
God.
It's too late. It's too late.
-God.
-Okay.
--
I got it.
I'll avenge
you, bro.
Kick
their ass!
Come on, you got this, man.
Make me proud!
Go, spaceman. Go,
spaceman.
Yeah, that's the Space Force
spirit! Attack!
Yeah.
Go. Go.
--
Oh!
That's
ugly.
Captain Ali, it's
up to you. Advance!
Uh, don't
worry.
My paper was on
pincer movements.
Cover me,
Sergeant.
Okay.
I got
you!
- Ah...
- Step up!
Step up!
Yeah, baby! That's
what I'm talking about!
Oh!
-Damn, I'm down.
-Yeah.
- Oh, really?
- Get him, Staff Sergeant!
Hooah!
Yeah.
Go, go!
-Oh, my God.
-Oh.
You
mother...
Oh.
I'll go warm
up the truck.
Like Hitler in his bunker,
Naird has been abandoned by everyone.
Is he man enough to take his own life?
That's
my fault.
And that is my fault,
and I apologize, right...
Okay, noncombatant! Noncombatant!
Non...
Press! Press!
Press!
Press! Press!
What
the fuck?
How's it
going, General?
Congratulations,
Adrian,
you made your point
by making us all look like fools.
Crushing the spirits
of your own team.
My God, I even
picked you first.
You
know what?
Remind me to never put myself
in a situation where I need your help.
Chan.
Be ready
with it.
Where are
you going?
To war.
The general needs
his aide-de-camp.
Dude, this is
the weirdest day.
Hooah!
Advance!
Space
Force is down to two.
Kali Maa.
Kali
Maa.
Kali Maa
shakti de!
I
smell Nerd!
Come out, come
out, wherever you are!
♪ Let the Midnight
Special Shine a light on me♪
Mallory!
Mallory!
♪ Let the Midnight Special
Shine a light on me♪
Ow!
Right on the ankle.
-So now they have cars on the
moon? -Oh, hush.
I'm here
to help.
Well, it's down to just me,
so you might be too late.
Chan,
now.
Command-shift-6.
- Yes, sir. Implementing. -
Air Force! Attach your scissors!
On my
signal!
Charge!
What
the hell?
- Can't move my
legs, sir! -
The system's malfunctioning.
They're all immobilized!
They're
not responding.
Have
at it.
Thank
you.
Oh,
no.
Oh,
my God.
Don't you
do it, Naird!
Ha!
You're
still an ass!
Ah!
Space Force!
No more
Red Team.
And the winner
is Space Force!
-Space Force!
-Yeah!
Yes!
Yes!
In your
face!
Yeah,
bitch! Uh!
Uh-huh!
Everyone
should be proud.
You acquitted
yourselves well.
We got ice
cream, sir.
Enjoy
it.
That goes
for all of you.
Enjoy life
while you can.
For only the dead
have seen the end of war.
We got
sprinkles, sir.
Jesus.
Thanks for
showing up today.
I hope this
helps wash away
some of those painful childhood memories
of basketball in school.
Ski
memories, in my case.
I'm actually rather good
at the shooting of baskets.
It's just
physics.
Whatever helps
you sleep at night.
Do meet me at
the gym tomorrow.
I will
destroy you.
duct tape, spaceman?
- Yes, sir.
- Good!
If you are hit by
a Red Team BB,
you will only have a couple of
seconds to patch it
before the air is
released from your suit,
and you are marked dead
by the game master.
Because there's no
air on the moon, sir?
That's
right, son.
General, if
we get hit...
Try not
to get hit.
Try to hit those Air Force boys
on the Red Team first.
Yes,
sir!
But say I poke a hole on my suit,
like on a cactus,
should I just lay down
and wait until Space Flag is over, sir?
Wait, wait,
laying down?
What the fuck is
that, "laying down"?
You seem very
intent on laying down.
This isn't about laying down.
This is about a battle!
It's just
that...
Sir, it's just a lot of weight,
and it's hot.
"It's gonna
be hot."
Yeah, we're gonna be in the desert.
What else?
And I'm already
kinda sleepy, sir.
Jesus
Christ.
Don't worry. In the field, each one of you
will be wearing an exoskeleton.
What the fuck
is that guy's problem?
Iron Man
pants.
You'll be paired
with a scientist
who can remote-control walk you
back to base,
whether you're
conscious or not.
Permission to nap
while the pants walk us back, sir?
No!
No napping.
Newborns nap.
Come on,
spaceman.
The war game
is very important.
It will help us pick
which exoskeleton system to buy,
Lockheed
or Raytheon.
Mr. Scientist,
which one is more comfortable?
Enough!
Come on, men.
All you need to
do is fight hard.
Fight
your best.
And know
that Dr. Mallory
is getting the best equipment
for the Space Force team.
And even when hydraulics are 90% damaged,
the XR-11 exoskeleton
can take a lickin'
and keep
on tickin'.
Now, what about
limb movement?
Texting.
"Astronauts should help each other,
not shoot each other."
Well, kind of
missing the point.
He's not a big
fan of war games,
but he's definitely the person
who should be deciding our tech.
Spacemen!
This is a great adventure
that we are embarking on today.
We are training
for the worst-case scenario,
but the best-case scenario
is colonizing the galaxy.
Imagine,
years from now,
you could be on some distant star,
harvesting corn.
Mark.
Ah.
Here he is.
Dr.
Mallory.
Well, I've sat through
both presentations
and, as theater,
they make Wild Horse High School
look like
the West End.
-Ha. Sorry. -Which
will give us the biggest edge?
I'd go with
Lockheed.
Lockheed!
Good!
Both are only designed
to get the spacesuits back to base
after an
astronaut is killed.
Spacesuits
cost millions.
-Spacemen, rather less.
-All right.
Roger that.
Over and out.
Neither is designed
to save the men.
-The systems are...
-What am I doing?
...basically
high-tech body bags.
-But the military's ritual slaughter...
-It's the one...
Oh, there we go.Okay.Phones.
All right!
Well, we have
the best system.
Now let's talk
about tactics.
General Naird sits,
sips his coffee,
for perhaps it
could be his last.
What are
you doing?
I'm joining the
battle as an embed.
Going Vice
News on this shit.
If I see you on the battlefield,
I'll shoot you in the face.
You will
not see me.
The hardened general keeps his distance,
unsure how to show his admiration
for this young reporter.
Mm!
Good, I'm
glad you're here.
I am going to need you by my side
all day today.
You are the closest thing that I have
to a number two.
So in war games,
that makes you my aide-de-camp.
In real life,
that makes me totally uninterested.
Five
years!
Five years I was Kick's aide-de-camp
at the Air Force war games.
Oh, he would love nothing better
than to see me fall flat on my face.
Okay. Well, then,
thanks for the title
of Make Believe Assistant
with No Real Power in a Fake War, I guess.
So, first things
first. The pre-brief.
Now, the pre-brief
is sort of a stare down between boxers.
Ah!
Well, then my vast experience in the ring
will finally come in handy.
You
know...
All right. I wasn't gonna
get into any of this, but...
How
do I put this?
These guys have
a very strict code of behavior.
Maybe this code is arbitrary
and excessively macho.
Why do you ask
to be ridiculed?
Wha... What about my behavior
invites ridicule?
Well...
the way
you... walk.
Arms...
like noodles.
Kind
of...
All right, so we're going into battle.
And you are dressed like Annie Hall.
Maybe you could
wear something...
Uh, how
do... Okay.
Maybe you
could be more...
Take off...
Ah. God.
Um...
Don't corner me
into saying something offensive, please!
So, now I'm
getting fashion advice
from a man who's
worn the same
50/50 nylon-cotton
twill trousers
for the past
40 years?
Adrian, there is
power in conformity!
Yeah, I
get it, Mark.
-You dress for defense.
-Exactly.
Whereas my style is a brave expression
of my fearless personality.
Isn't that ironic,
Mr. Military?
No, no, no, no,
no. Do not... Do not...
Okay. All right. I
get what you're doing.
Well, well, look
who it is, boys!
General
Mark Nerd.
Clever.
I suppose if I
tried real hard,
I could come up with a humorous spin
on your last name, General Grabaston.
Dr.
Mallory.
Hello,
General.
Here to observe
the exoskeletons?
I'm Mark's right-hand man,
his aide-de-camp.
Very
progressive, Naird.
This is my guy,
Clarke Luffinch.
Yo.
His arms look
like steel bricks.
We're going to
eat your guts, Nerd,
and wipe our
asses with your skin.
Oh,
really?
We're gonna eat your guts
and wipe your asses with our skin.
So the game of
mental chess has begun.
Hungry Hungry
Hippos at best.
What's going
on with the lights?
Sorry, I
thought it would make it more dramatic.
As a representative
of the Army,
they are making me referee
today's Space Flag
between Space Force
and Air Force Red Team.
Welcome to a day
of multiple challenges
testing you in all areas
of space fighting readiness,
culminating with a mock infantry
skirmish on the moon.
Question.
If we win all the events
based on science and computing,
do we really need to compete
in lunar laser tag?
Oh,
absolutely.
The skirmish is
worth 100 points.
The rest of the contests are worth,
I don't know, let's say 30.
So, in
other words,
it basically boils down
to a slap fight on the moon?
- It's a skirmish.
- Skirmish.
Okay. The Air Force has selected
the Raytheon exoskeleton,
and Space Force has chosen
the exoskeleton from Lockheed.
Come on.
Jim, I'm right
here. I can hear you.
If I may, Bert, I'm
concerned about
some of the physical aspects
of the competition.
I
bet you are.
Kick's airmen
are in their prime.
Space Force is
a new branch,
consisting of mostly
very green teenage recruits
and older astronauts
who spent ten years getting their PhD.
Excuses are like
assholes, Naird.
And you are a
huge excuse.
May I be
excused?
I would like to join my scientists
for the tech events,
while they pump themselves up
for Testosterone Tag.
I'm sorry, I
just got distracted by Naird's shoes.
My God, Naird,
how do you keep them so clean?
Look how shiny they are, sir.
So shiny I can
see up your skirt.
They're supposed
to be shiny.
"Mommy,
they're so shiny."
Shake hands. We'll
see each other on the battlefield.
Cute
pumps, Nerd.
I love
that suit.
It's not a suit.
It's an ensemble.
-Chosen with great care and
tact. -Shh.
Seems they found a chink
in your poly-blend suit of armor.
I refuse to be ashamed that I enjoy
a bright, shiny pair of shoes!
Oh, and Adrian,
"Testosterone Tag"?
No, no. Not fitting
of an aide-de-camp.
A title as meaningless
as war itself.
War is not
meaningless.
War is what democracies use
to protect freedom.
And freedom is what allows you
to talk that sass.
"Sass"?
I knew you would
fixate on that word.
"Sass."
Mm-hmm.
Spacemen!
Can anyone tell
me what that is?
Sir,
that's a line, sir!
- Nice.
- Negative!
That is
the moon.
Flat, desolate,
nowhere to hide.
Actually, despite
its lack of tectonic plates,
the moon's surface is
a complex topography
-of mountains and craters, among...
-Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, Bill
the Science Guy.
Thank you very much.
I will handle the training session.
Now, once the battle begins,
we will separate into two groups.
The first group will
make a wedge formation in the front,
and the second group
will remain in reserve.
Reserve.
Called it.
Dr. Mallory has also supplied us
with our firearms.
This is the Daisy
760 Pumpmaster.
Sir, is that
a BB gun?
Yes, it is!
That's a Daisy.
When I was a kid, we used to use those
to fight the poor kids
in the neighborhood.
Now, of course, that's...
that's not PC, but...
The choice of weapons and targets
was
deliberate.
On the moon, the
difference between life and death
can be as small
as a BB-sized tear in a spacesuit.
Ah. That's why
we've got duct tape.
Yes, spaceman,
duct tape will save you.
But don't worry, these
aren't the only weapons you'll have.
Each spaceman will
be issued a cuticle scissor set!
This will be used to pop spacesuits
at close range.
-Guard these with your life.
-Can I keep one of those scissors?
I'm always
losing mine.
These are combat
scissors, soldier.
Okay?
Many of you may not have used
one of these for quite some time,
so I'm gonna give you
a little refresher course.
You gotta
pump it!
Pump it up!
Pump it hard!
The harder you pump,
the more air will be in the chamber,
the more penetrating power
that BB is gonna have.
Really takes
a while, sir.
It takes about as long
as it took the minutemen
to reload their muskets
at Lexington and Concord.
And... like those...
great patriots,
we will be
operating in...
Powdered
wigs?
...a staggered
formation.
Where the front line will fire,
while the back line reloads.
Any
questions?
And fire!
Reload!
Second
line!
Fire!
Reload!
First
line!
Fire!
Ow! You
box of shit!
Friendly
fire.
Let's hope we never face
a battalion of empty cans.
You're
not helping.
Fire!
Nice shot,
Staff Sergeant.
Kiki
Rhodes, sir.
Captain Ali, a
good staff sergeant is a treasure.
-Treasure this one.
-Sir.
Well, stick with
me, Staff Sergeant.
Follow my
lead out there.
Well, I'd feel better
if you would have knocked the can down.
You ever
been in combat?
I was top of my class
in Intro to Combat Theory,
and I got an A-plus
on my end-of-term paper.
-Impressive.
-Thank you.
I hope I live long
enough to read that.
I... do hope you wish
you live long enough...
It was a damn good paper.
They don't just hand out A-plusses.
Calculate orbital period.
What's our radial trajectory?
Correcting for lunar
gravitation, 707.4.
You're a motherfucking math genius,
Vandeveld!
Satellite's
in range.
Locked
and loaded.
Say
goodbye, bitch.
Boom!
Come on!
Yes!
Come on,
come on! Settle!
-These are, uh, pretty bulky.
-Yeah.
The suits
are bulky.
And how I'mma fit my fingers
through these scissor holes
with these thick-ass
gloves, man?
The scissors.
They're tiny.
Tony. Yo,
do you mind?
Every spaceman has his role to play,
and mine is generating content.
The balloons.
They're bouncy.
Tony.
Tony! Get
out of my face.
Yes,
ma'am. Right.
- That's amazing.
- I don't...
-You're dead.
-Fuck you, man.
Damn
it.
All right! Let's
see what these suits are capable of.
Chambers,
give me a burpee.
Not
possible, sir.
You can't even do a
burpee in that thing?
I couldn't do
one before.
I can do
one, sir.
Oh,
my God!
I'm sure you'll all be pleased
to hear that the science team...
Da-da-da-da-da.
Why did you choose
the Lockheed suit?
These guys
can't even move in these things.
I'm sure the Air Force
is having the same problems.
May I speak to you
outside for a moment?
Little privacy,
please?
Sir,
yes, sir.
Jesus
Christ.
You picked the wrong exoskeleton
on purpose, didn't you?
What?
You couldn't
help it, huh?
You hate the whole idea of war
games, Space Flag.
Space should be a zone of wonder,
not of conflict and death.
No, I don't think that's it at all.
I don't think it's a moral issue.
I think
you're scared.
I think that you stink at sports,
and a long time ago,
you decided that if you can't win,
you're not gonna play.
What are you
talking about?
Oh, I can
just see it now.
Little nerdy Mallory
sitting in the nurse's office,
pretending to
have a tummy ache
so he doesn't get picked last
for basketball!
My father
was a diplomat.
I went to the American
school in Geneva.
We downhill
skied.
Oh, so you were
captain of the ski team, huh?
Fuck
you, Mark.
♪ Big girls don't cry♪
♪ Big girls
don't cry-iy-iy♪
♪ They
don't cry♪
Sorry.
I, uh, sometimes
sing to relieve stress.
Oh, no, no. No
judgment here.
When I wanna blow off steam,
I go to the tunnel under Building 5.
The acoustics in
there are unreal.
You
sing, too?
No, I usually scream into the darkness
until my voice gives out.
Highly
cathartic.
-Mm.
-So... well...
hang
in there.
It...
uh...
-I don't...
-That's my hat.
That's yours.
Okay. Okay.
Goodbye.
So...
All
right.
Don't know
why I did that.
Where you've
been, babycakes?
Working.
Why didn't you
return my DMs?
Social media cleanse.
The internet's for trolls.
Ugh. Come on. There
aren't as many trolls as people say.
The existence of troll farms
hasn't been 100% proven.
Oh.
No.
Are you gonna order anything?
The line's kind of long.
Why Erin is not
being nice to Yuri?
I thought we were going to have
lots and lots of babies.
We can name them
after your father's mother.
What was
her name?
Maiden name, please.
Do you even like me? Or
are you just using me to get to my dad?
That hurts,
actually.
Yuri's love is like
sprinkles around your ice cream heart.
Yuri and Erin is like Kim and Greg
from that popular American TV show,
Yes,
Dear.
Makes your father so happy
the way I treat you.
As happy as his
first childhood pet.
Which
was called...
What's
going on here?
-Uh, just getting dessert, sir.
-Before a battle?
God! Why are
you all so lame?
She has soft serve, sir.
- Get on the trucks!
- Aw, come on!
I just put
my order in.
Right now is when you decide
to have a backbone? Let's go!
Shut up, dude. Shut up.
What is wrong with you?
This ain't the third grade, ma'am.
Take your froyo like an adult.
I am an adult.
As a matter of fact, I outrank you.
So why don't you go ahead
and walk in front of me
while I finish this, Sergeant?
That's an order.
What's up, guys?
I used to be in Air Force.
Hey, let me get a quick snap
with the winners, huh?
Yeah, now
we're talking.
The science portion of Space Flag
has concluded.
Congrats
to...
whoever
won.
All that matters
is lunar combat.
It's for
100 points.
If your suit is
popped, just go limp,
and you'll be marched home
like a sack of manure on a pair of stilts.
The mission's over for you,
but those pants fight another day.
Man, we about
to get BB'd up.
I'd rather just
get regular shot.
You know how bitches
love the gunshot wounds.
Whoa,
whoa.
Bitches don't like
to be called bitches anymore.
Yeah, well, bitches
don't like a lot of things, so...
You know that word originated
in the 15th century
as a way to
demean women
who were just trying
to express their sexual desires?
Why do you
know that?
My college gender studies professor
made me write a paper about it
after I called
her a bitch.
-She sound like a bitch.
-Hey! Come on.
But she was
one, two times.
All right. Hey. All right.
Hey, do you
have a charger?
Yeah.
Charge this.
Do you have
a charger?
Air Force
ready?
Hooah!
Space
Force ready?
Uh...
Yes.
Let's
get it on!
Ho!
Hooah!
Here they
come! Spacemen!
Now is the time to prove ourselves.
Now is the time to shine!
-Get off your phone!
-Okay, yeah.
Pump your
weapons!
Pump
'em!
Pump
'em! Pump 'em!
Alpha Squad!
Move out!
Go, go!
Move out!
Go! Move out!
Ow.
Oh.
Oldsters!
Some gentle
stretching!
Move
out!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There are a hundred screens,
can't one of them be PBS?
You
can't hide forever, Nerd!
I'm gonna
eat your liver!
Phew. Boy, it's
a hot one today.
"C," let's go!
Move out,
boys! Move! Move! Move!
Is this footage
in slo-mo?
-Come on!
-I got you, go!
That's it, Space
Force, cover and run.
Ah,
God.
Man down.
Walk his combat suit back to base.
Oh, shit!
That was close!
Ah. They're
everywhere!
Come on! Get up, spacemen!
Show some heart!
Go! Go!
There you go!
-Yeah! -That's
the spirit, that's the...
- Oh, God!
- No!
- Julio! Duct tape!
- Duct tape! No!
- I got you. I got you.
- Duct tape!
Oh,
God.
It's too late. It's too late.
-God.
-Okay.
--
I got it.
I'll avenge
you, bro.
Kick
their ass!
Come on, you got this, man.
Make me proud!
Go, spaceman. Go,
spaceman.
Yeah, that's the Space Force
spirit! Attack!
Yeah.
Go. Go.
--
Oh!
That's
ugly.
Captain Ali, it's
up to you. Advance!
Uh, don't
worry.
My paper was on
pincer movements.
Cover me,
Sergeant.
Okay.
I got
you!
- Ah...
- Step up!
Step up!
Yeah, baby! That's
what I'm talking about!
Oh!
-Damn, I'm down.
-Yeah.
- Oh, really?
- Get him, Staff Sergeant!
Hooah!
Yeah.
Go, go!
-Oh, my God.
-Oh.
You
mother...
Oh.
I'll go warm
up the truck.
Like Hitler in his bunker,
Naird has been abandoned by everyone.
Is he man enough to take his own life?
That's
my fault.
And that is my fault,
and I apologize, right...
Okay, noncombatant! Noncombatant!
Non...
Press! Press!
Press!
Press! Press!
What
the fuck?
How's it
going, General?
Congratulations,
Adrian,
you made your point
by making us all look like fools.
Crushing the spirits
of your own team.
My God, I even
picked you first.
You
know what?
Remind me to never put myself
in a situation where I need your help.
Chan.
Be ready
with it.
Where are
you going?
To war.
The general needs
his aide-de-camp.
Dude, this is
the weirdest day.
Hooah!
Advance!
Space
Force is down to two.
Kali Maa.
Kali
Maa.
Kali Maa
shakti de!
I
smell Nerd!
Come out, come
out, wherever you are!
♪ Let the Midnight
Special Shine a light on me♪
Mallory!
Mallory!
♪ Let the Midnight Special
Shine a light on me♪
Ow!
Right on the ankle.
-So now they have cars on the
moon? -Oh, hush.
I'm here
to help.
Well, it's down to just me,
so you might be too late.
Chan,
now.
Command-shift-6.
- Yes, sir. Implementing. -
Air Force! Attach your scissors!
On my
signal!
Charge!
What
the hell?
- Can't move my
legs, sir! -
The system's malfunctioning.
They're all immobilized!
They're
not responding.
Have
at it.
Thank
you.
Oh,
no.
Oh,
my God.
Don't you
do it, Naird!
Ha!
You're
still an ass!
Ah!
Space Force!
No more
Red Team.
And the winner
is Space Force!
-Space Force!
-Yeah!
Yes!
Yes!
In your
face!
Yeah,
bitch! Uh!
Uh-huh!
Everyone
should be proud.
You acquitted
yourselves well.
We got ice
cream, sir.
Enjoy
it.
That goes
for all of you.
Enjoy life
while you can.
For only the dead
have seen the end of war.
We got
sprinkles, sir.
Jesus.
Thanks for
showing up today.
I hope this
helps wash away
some of those painful childhood memories
of basketball in school.
Ski
memories, in my case.
I'm actually rather good
at the shooting of baskets.
It's just
physics.
Whatever helps
you sleep at night.
Do meet me at
the gym tomorrow.
I will
destroy you.