Space Force (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Proportionate Response - full transcript
Under pressure to retaliate against China, General Naird wrestles with his conscience. Dr. Mallory makes an ominous threat, and Erin goes rogue.
That is the most horrifying thing
I have ever seen.
It's desecrating a sacred object.
Agreed. They just trampled over
the American Koran.
Isn't that breaking a US law,
even on the moon?
US law applies 200 miles from a US flag.
Two hundred miles from the coastline.
Now, is the moon 200 miles away?
It is not,
and running over a flag is not illegal.
You're not a lawyer, Naird.
I'm a corporate lawyer.
They could argue that we abandoned
that flag when we left the moon.
That would make it trash.
Take... that... back.
I just meant legally.
Obviously, it's not trash.
It's the soul of America.
We should run over one of their flags,
tit for tat.
Where we gonna find a Chinese flag
on the moon?
Make one out of our own?
You don't rip up an American flag
to create a Chinese flag, you moron.
We need to hit back hard.
We can bomb.
Big bomb, little bomb.
Smart bomb, stupid bomb.
There's one for every occasion.
A flag is a symbol.
You can't kill people
for insulting a symbol.
If it were up to me, we'd invade.
I'm talking some serious
bull-in-a-China shop action.
Let's knock down the Great Wall
they're so proud of.
We got all these weapons.
We're never allowed to use them.
Drives me crazy.
Yeah, I talk to my therapist about this
all the time.
Where are we at with nukes?
No, no. We're not going to nuke China.
Could we get back on track here
for a second?
Does anyone have
a valid suggestion to make?
We're just joking around, Grandma. Jeez!
Yeah, just blowing off steam there.
Don't be such a pussy.
Wait. What? No. No, no, no.
We need to do one of these ideas,
at least. Maybe more, right? Come on!
I mean, aren't you guys tired
of everybody using us like a doormat?
Look, this happened in space,
so the response must be in space as well.
- I have consulted a space attorney.
- What the fuck?
- There's no such thing. You got scammed.
- Now who's the dope?
We signed
an international outer space treaty.
Any sort of violence
and we break that treaty.
We must retaliate. I will handle it.
POTUS will be very happy.
We will do something
significant and proportionate.
I don't think POTUS will be happy
with a proportionate response.
Well, then,
it'll be a little more than proportionate.
I have taken it upon myself
to have a focus group
in which we can determine
what would be an appropriate response.
Ideally, what would you like to see happen
on the moon? Anybody.
Research that benefits mankind.
Yeah. Okay. What about you?
What about you?
Yeah, something that helps everyone
and justifies the cost.
Yeah. Yeah.
What would be an example of something bad
that could happen on the moon?
Anybody wanna answer that?
An accident where a person gets hurt.
Yeah, that would be bad,
wouldn't it?
Could you ever imagine
supporting a war on the moon?
No.
That would be a terrible waste.
Really?
Do me a favor.
Watch this video real quick.
That's America!
Keep watching. It's not over.
Beep, beep, beep. Crunch.
Huh?
Does nobody respect us? Keep looking.
That is our country
they're rolling all over.
Yeah, we have to do something about that.
I mean, maybe not a war,
but we should definitely do something.
I'm loving this. Okay, this is fantastic.
Let's feel out this direction.
Let's keep it going. Okay, what else?
It should be retaliation
on the same level.
Like, it should be a prank.
It should be like... graffiti!
Graffiti? All right, keep going.
That's not bad.
Um... ding-dong ditch.
Brown paper bag on fire,
but there's poop in it.
- I don't know whose poop.
- Right, okay.
- TP their rocket!
- TP their rocket!
I love this.
That's what it takes,
a 100-year-old white man
to make this work!
Okay, let's pop it on the board.
Here we go!
How can there be no hammers?
We must have packed hammers.
No. None of the big doctor brains
packed a hammer.
There are wrenches.
Then use a wrench as a hammer.
That's not how
you take care of your wrenches!
No toothbrushes or deodorant either,
but there are ten years' worth of tampons,
for some reason.
Wait.
Young man, what are you using as a shovel?
Sir, it's actually
Spaceman Obie Hanrahan, sir!
And I'm using a metal moon scoop
with an adjustable
crescent-shaped head, sir!
That's a wrench, you dimwit.
Hey, what's that hissing noise?
Jesus... Uh...
you have to patch that up immediately,
or you'll all die.
The... The duct tape's in locker 1.
Dr. Mallory, the Chinese Space Agency
just posted some video of their base.
- Wow.
- Put it on the big screen.
How many pillows do you need?
It's already one-sixth gravity.
How many did you serve like this?
"How many did you serve like this?"
Are you drunk right now?
Fine. You're fired.
Should I tell your dad?
You know, sure, dude.
Tell him.
He doesn't have a fucking leg to stand on.
Okay, this is what I learned,
and I think you're gonna go crazy
for this.
There are three cans of shaving cream
on that moon base,
and there's two cans of hairspray.
If we just switch those nozzles,
we can cause some serious mischief.
It's not enough. They trampled our flag.
What else you got?
Okay, your eyebrows tested poorly
in men and women ages six to 45.
Why are you testing my eyebrows?
It was unsolicited.
People just want
to talk about your eyebrows.
The joint chiefs are on the phone
in the conference room.
They want an update.
How's it going, General?
Every news outlet on the planet
is showing some Chinese rover
doing donuts on our most sacred...
cloth.
We need a quick military response.
- Oorah!
- Hooah!
- Hooyah!
- Hooyah!
Booyah!
You have the go-ahead
to attack the Chinese base.
How do you wanna do it?
Our lead suggestion from the focus group
would be to shaving-cream
the shit out of them.
And if that's not enough,
we also have the capability to TP as well.
And possibly graffiti the side
of their base with "China sucks."
Sound good?
- Oora...
- No! No, no, no.
We need to burn that Chinese base
to the ground.
I thought that's why
you brought an arsonist!
Well, not really, obviously.
Yes, really, obviously!
This... This has been debated
in the policy circles
as high up in the administration
as you can think!
It's time to stand tough!
Look, nobody wants to get back
at these commie bastards
more than I do, but...
breaking a treaty with a reprisal attack
of unwarranted destruction,
and putting noncombatant scientists
in harm's way...
Mmm...
That's like three violations
of the Geneva Convention.
Okay, look.
I'm not a professional politician,
but this European International Treaty,
come on!
Don't get captured like a bunch of losers,
and you don't have to worry about
how they treat you.
How about we just continue to look for
some more creative solutions?
Yeah, well,
I think destroying the base is lame,
and it's a war crime, uh,
which you should never ever do.
- All right, look!
- Uh, okay.
You have your orders, Naird!
I need a complete outline and strategy
for this battle plan
to destroy this Chinese base,
and I need it shock, I need awe,
and I need it in PDF,
'cause my computer doesn't have Word.
God.
So that is the order from the top.
You can't do that.
These are scientists and astronauts.
I have to. It's the chain of command.
Mark, they just named the flat area
where we landed The Plains of Mallory.
Oh, that is so cool. Congrats.
Thank you. But now, it could become
the site of the first moon atrocity.
I don't want to read that in a textbook.
Yeah, nobody wants that.
I'm sure cooler heads will prevail.
Just some saber-rattling.
The next resupply
can't launch for a month, so...
hopefully, they'll have the time
to cool off before the guns show up.
Yeah.
Captain Ali,
I'd like you to look in locker 5.
It says "spare oxygen."
Just open it.
Okay, but we do have spare oxygen
somewhere, right?
What do you want us to do with these,
General?
I'm not sure yet.
Just, uh, show everyone how to use them.
Make sure they're cleaned and loaded.
Yes, sir.
Loading and cleaning guns.
Feels like no matter what I start doing,
I always end up loading and cleaning guns.
I haven't been allowed
to touch one of these in forever.
I just hope the general knows
what he's doing.
What if the Chinese have guns?
No. They're a research center.
So are we.
You already have guns on board?
No toothbrushes, but room for guns?
You lied to me, Naird!
General Naird, Chief Scientist!
They were for self-defense.
Oh, sure they were!
Sometimes,
provocation requires a show of force!
Neville Chamberlain didn't do that,
and Hitler invaded Poland!
Not everything is World War II!
Well, not everything is Vietnam!
I thought you were one of the good guys,
with your John Wayne swagger.
But you're no John Wayne.
You are Wayne John!
- Who?
- Wayne John!
Wayne John!
I worked with him at IBM!
He stole pencils!
My pencils!
If you had any integrity at all,
you would quit!
The person in line behind me
will be even worse!
I know I'm not perfect,
but I know I'm not the worst.
Well, you take that up
with your next chief scientist.
- I quit!
- Adrian!
Adrian!
Adrian!
Adrian! Adrian!
Rocky! Rocky!
Right?
Hey, Captain Ali.
Whoa. What up, stalker?
Just sitting there all creepy,
staring at me.
How long have you been watching me, huh?
Do you watch me sleep, too?
Do you want me to be watching you?
Uh, no. Gross. I was just messing around.
Well, that's not the story
your heart rate is telling.
I'm going into battle tomorrow.
Anyway, um, I kind of thought
you were calling me
with an "I just want you to know."
A what?
You know, an "I just want you to know."
It's like when people are like,
"If we never see each other again,
I just want you to know,
like, how I feel."
Um...
You know that all communications
with the launch room
are recorded for posterity, Captain?
Okay. No. Copy that, Scientist.
Yes, loud and clear, and never mind.
Actually, Chief Scientist now.
Dr. Mallory quit today.
Oh, wow. I mean...
Congratulations, I guess.
But I also can't help thinking
that means I'm fucked.
No. You're a superhero.
And the queen of TikTok.
The what?
It's good to be black on the moon.
Goddamn it.
Okay.
I cannot believe that's only like
the tenth weirdest thing about today.
Thanks for showing me.
Yeah. Well, I just wanted you to know.
That I'm a meme?
Yeah! You know, in case, like,
we never see each other again,
I just wanted you to know.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is there any, uh, sauce?
I forgot the sauce.
Oh, that's no problem.
Do you have any cheese or, uh,
is there salad?
Mark, you said you were a good cook.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I'm not gonna eat this.
I'm not two years old.
I apologize.
My focus is off.
- What's up?
- Adrian Mallory quit today.
Why? Did you make him dinner?
He didn't like something
that the military was doing.
Oh, well,
he sounds like a spoiled little shit.
Sometimes he is, but not this time.
Well, will he come back
if you stop doing what you're doing?
Ah, I can't. It was an order.
No, what are you doing?
Mark, what are you...
No. Stop it. I cannot let you eat that.
It's barely cooked.
It's crunchy.
Oh, God. Here.
No, no, no. No, no.
I may be called upon to make a decision
that I have to be completely sober for.
It's not about sex, is it?
Cause I don't mind if you're tipsy.
I have to be prepared
to order soldiers into battle.
Can't really talk about it.
I don't know what to do.
When you asked me out,
you knew you had to tell me
about your wife.
Even though it would probably ruin things.
You literally couldn't do the wrong thing.
So I'm not worried about you.
What if I don't know
what the right thing to do is?
But you do.
Don't you?
Help me defy an order.
Ooh.
That is where I shine.
I've been defying authority
since I was 13.
And now I'm gonna teach you
to use the most subversive weapon
known to man:
passive-aggression.
Oh, God, I hate that.
Yeah, of course,
because you're a straight white male,
you always had other weapons.
But the rest of us,
we have to be subtle in our disobedience,
or we risk punishment.
Oh, so interesting.
Go on. I'm so interested.
No, see, that's sarcasm. That's different.
Imagine in this situation,
you could say that
you're following through with the order,
but then you forget to,
or you can interpret
that order creatively.
"Destroy the bathroom"
could mean a number of things
and, if all else fails,
you can feign incompetent,
which shouldn't be a problem.
Well, that explains Brad, doesn't it?
Not entirely.
Huh.
- What are we to do?
- I'll handle it!
He'll handle it.
Mr. Secretary, I just want to let you know
before we begin,
that I am running low on cell battery,
so I may lose you.
Uh, here's the situation as it stands.
Well done, sir.
Nobody answer the phone
for the next two hours.
Yes, sir.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Got a smoke?
Can't buy your own?
I can.
Just don't feel like it.
Tell you what.
I'll give it to you in my truck.
Come on. We're going to a party.
Fuck it.
I've got it.
Beijing is hosting
the Winter Olympics 2022.
We boycott.
Then they win even more medals.
No, China's surprisingly awful
at Winter Olympic sports.
But boy-oh-boy, Norway would be happy.
Okay, say you are a criminal.
What would be meaner
than TP-ing somebody's house,
but not as aggressive
as home invasion-slash-murder?
Tying the family up and letting them think
they're gonna be murdered.
Then they live
with the fear and horror forever.
Jesus, Brad.
No wonder my dogs are scared of you.
Uh, excuse me, General, sir.
The Sec Def is on
in the conference room for you.
Balls!
All right, tell him I'll be right there.
Put him on hold.
- What are you gonna say?
- I'm not gonna say anything.
I'm gonna go eat egg salad sandwiches
until I puke.
Uh...
Hey. Hey!
Hey, I think, um, you can just let me out,
like, right here.
That's... That's totally fine.
Hey. You guys.
Hey! Let me out here, okay?
Excuse me!
Can you please let me out?
Fucking kidding me!
What the hell?
Did you guys not hear me yelling?
They're stonewalling us.
Where... Where... Where's Grabaston?
In the air
and ready to swoop in!
Big Eagle is ready to replace
the Dodo Bird!
I like what you said up there.
I wish I was black on the moon.
Thank you, sir.
Captain, when we first met,
you disobeyed an order.
Yeah, I remember it well, sir.
Today, I'm thinking about doing the same.
This is being recorded, General.
The generation that won World War II
was exposed to so much awful reality
that they made mostly good decisions
for a long time after.
Forget history, and you are doomed
to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Forget how bad polio was,
people stop taking vaccines.
Forget how bad world wars are,
people start puffing out their chests.
The real enemy is arrogance.
Angela, I think there are springs
and bolts and such
in those Manchester Arms devices
that would be better used
to build your habitat.
I'd like you to disassemble them
and let Eddie use the parts.
You're telling me to...
to take the guns apart,
which would disable them, General.
That is correct.
Thin ice, General.
Thin ice.
ID?
Step aside, Gomer.
Sir, I need to see some Space Force ID
to let anyone inside.
Here is my Space Force ID.
And a second ID with a photo.
A passport, Costco card.
If you have to run on home...
Oh, for fuck's sakes, restrain him.
Gladly.
General Naird!
You were ordered to order an attack,
and I am ordering you to obey that order.
I'm not your waitress, Kick.
I'm going to count to 125.
Just count to three.
Counting to 125 will give you ample time
to think it over.
This is wrong, Kick.
Deep down, you know it, too.
I don't give a shit.
Arrest him.
And don't try to run, Naird,
or we'll shoot you in the back.
Get me whoever is in charge up there.
Her name is Captain Ali, sir.
Captain Ali, you are hereby ordered
to attack the Chinese base.
Can't, sir.
Guns are disabled.
The barrels are now water pipes,
and the springs are in the thermostats.
Naird... that's treason.
It's not treason
to disobey an unlawful order.
Well, there must be something else
you can use as weapons.
We have a crazy amount of wrenches.
The big brainiac
packed wrench after wrench.
Go get 'em.
Bigger the better.
Sir, where is General Naird?
I am in command now.
It's wrenchin' time.
It, um... It looks like
we're actually doing this.
Everybody suit up.
Boots on the moon.
Boots on the moon.
Julio!
- Spacesuit.
- Oh. Yes.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Bug, it's not really a good time.
Dad, Dad, I'm in the desert, west of town,
with some sketchy dudes.
Erin, it doesn't sound like
you're making good choices.
You have to make good choices.
It wasn't. It was a terrible choice,
but I need you to come get me, okay?
You said I could always call you
if I needed a ride.
I know, I know I did.
But I can't come right now.
I've been arrested.
What? No. Mom was arrested.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
I'm... I have been, too. I'm sorry.
Well, that's great!
Both my parents are in jail,
and I can't get a tattoo. Okay.
Honey! Honey!
God.
Fu...
All right.
Yeah.
Duncan, it's Erin.
Can you come get me?
No. I'm sitting next to your dad.
I got arrested, too.
Fuck!
For the record, I am against this action.
Someone's taking notes, right?
This is all Kick's baby now.
We can't let this happen.
Fuck Tony, come with me.
My name is Dr. Adrian Mallory.
I am the former Chief Scientist
of Space Force.
And if the world
does not stop this madness,
I will set myself on fire!
Yes, the entire world is listening.
This is your moment.
I'll give you one chance to change course!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't you try and stop me, Brad!
I am doing it!
Okey-dokey. Well, you're a better man
than I'll ever be.
Wait.
Don't... Goodbye!
Okay, so what's in the can.
Is it gasoline?
Yes, this is gas.
I guess the first step would be
to sprinkle it on your pants.
So I suppose I should do that now?
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
If you need help,
I can help you out. Here...
Thank you, Fuck Tony, but you know what?
I... I think I've proven
what I wanted to prove.
I mean, let's face it.
At the end of the day, I think I'm done.
- I'm good.
- We're already here. We got the gasoline.
No, I know, but it's...
I'm good. It's fine. Thank you.
Mom, I'm in trouble,
and Dad and the only other guy I know
who could help are useless.
Well, don't tell me that
when I can't do anything.
Jesus, honey!
Mommy, I'm scared.
Erin, you're gonna have to handle this one
on your own.
Fuck.
Do you have your lighter in your pocket?
Or are you just glad to see me?
What?
I have it.
Okay. Okay.
Good. Good. Good.
There you go.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Jesus! Erin, no helmet?
I know. Sorry.
- So, who doesn't have your back?
- Okay, yes.
- You're my hero.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks deserted.
Okay.
Let's do this thing.
Wait. Dad, do you see something down there
in the gully?
Oh, my God.
- Maggie?
- Whoo!
- Mom!
- Hi!
I escaped!
Just came to save you!
Sweetie!
Oh, you guys!
- This is Louise.
- Hi.
She's been very helpful.
This is great!
We're all together.
And Louise.
Tell General Grabaston we've rendered
the Chinese moon base inoperable.
Destroyed the life-support systems,
breached the capsule walls in all pods,
and released the oxygen as ordered.
We are returning with their extra stores
and will prepare to receive the scientists
as refugees at the US base.
Oh, shit!
Captain Ali?
Now what do we do?
You have one new message.
Uh, sir,
I noticed that you escaped,
which is great. Congrats.
I don't believe you're a traitor.
No matter, you know, what they're saying.
I don't wanna worry you,
but the spacemen
are just a little tiny bit fucked.
So if you could maybe sneak back
and give us a hand,
you know, it'd be great.
But, you know, of course,
you'll probably be court-martialed
if you come back, so tough choice.
Ooh. I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up, destiny ♪
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up to the moon ♪
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up
One, two, three ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ I wanted to be a spaceman
That's what I wanted to be ♪
♪ But now that I am a spaceman
Nobody cares about me ♪
♪ Hey, Mother Earth
Won't'cha bring me back down ♪
♪ Safely to the sea? ♪
♪ Around and around and around and around
Is all she ever say to me ♪
♪ I wanted to make a good run
I wanted to go to the moon ♪
♪ I knew that it had to be fun
I told 'em to send me real soon ♪
♪ I wanted to be a spaceman
I wanted to be it so bad ♪
♪ But now that I am a spaceman
I'd rather be back on the pad ♪
♪ Hey, Mother Earth
Won't'cha bring me back down ♪
♪ Safely to the sea? ♪
♪ Around and around and around and around
Is just a lot of lunacy ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ 'Round and around and
Around and around and around ♪
♪ So bring me back down ♪
♪ 'Round and around and
Around and around and around ♪
I have ever seen.
It's desecrating a sacred object.
Agreed. They just trampled over
the American Koran.
Isn't that breaking a US law,
even on the moon?
US law applies 200 miles from a US flag.
Two hundred miles from the coastline.
Now, is the moon 200 miles away?
It is not,
and running over a flag is not illegal.
You're not a lawyer, Naird.
I'm a corporate lawyer.
They could argue that we abandoned
that flag when we left the moon.
That would make it trash.
Take... that... back.
I just meant legally.
Obviously, it's not trash.
It's the soul of America.
We should run over one of their flags,
tit for tat.
Where we gonna find a Chinese flag
on the moon?
Make one out of our own?
You don't rip up an American flag
to create a Chinese flag, you moron.
We need to hit back hard.
We can bomb.
Big bomb, little bomb.
Smart bomb, stupid bomb.
There's one for every occasion.
A flag is a symbol.
You can't kill people
for insulting a symbol.
If it were up to me, we'd invade.
I'm talking some serious
bull-in-a-China shop action.
Let's knock down the Great Wall
they're so proud of.
We got all these weapons.
We're never allowed to use them.
Drives me crazy.
Yeah, I talk to my therapist about this
all the time.
Where are we at with nukes?
No, no. We're not going to nuke China.
Could we get back on track here
for a second?
Does anyone have
a valid suggestion to make?
We're just joking around, Grandma. Jeez!
Yeah, just blowing off steam there.
Don't be such a pussy.
Wait. What? No. No, no, no.
We need to do one of these ideas,
at least. Maybe more, right? Come on!
I mean, aren't you guys tired
of everybody using us like a doormat?
Look, this happened in space,
so the response must be in space as well.
- I have consulted a space attorney.
- What the fuck?
- There's no such thing. You got scammed.
- Now who's the dope?
We signed
an international outer space treaty.
Any sort of violence
and we break that treaty.
We must retaliate. I will handle it.
POTUS will be very happy.
We will do something
significant and proportionate.
I don't think POTUS will be happy
with a proportionate response.
Well, then,
it'll be a little more than proportionate.
I have taken it upon myself
to have a focus group
in which we can determine
what would be an appropriate response.
Ideally, what would you like to see happen
on the moon? Anybody.
Research that benefits mankind.
Yeah. Okay. What about you?
What about you?
Yeah, something that helps everyone
and justifies the cost.
Yeah. Yeah.
What would be an example of something bad
that could happen on the moon?
Anybody wanna answer that?
An accident where a person gets hurt.
Yeah, that would be bad,
wouldn't it?
Could you ever imagine
supporting a war on the moon?
No.
That would be a terrible waste.
Really?
Do me a favor.
Watch this video real quick.
That's America!
Keep watching. It's not over.
Beep, beep, beep. Crunch.
Huh?
Does nobody respect us? Keep looking.
That is our country
they're rolling all over.
Yeah, we have to do something about that.
I mean, maybe not a war,
but we should definitely do something.
I'm loving this. Okay, this is fantastic.
Let's feel out this direction.
Let's keep it going. Okay, what else?
It should be retaliation
on the same level.
Like, it should be a prank.
It should be like... graffiti!
Graffiti? All right, keep going.
That's not bad.
Um... ding-dong ditch.
Brown paper bag on fire,
but there's poop in it.
- I don't know whose poop.
- Right, okay.
- TP their rocket!
- TP their rocket!
I love this.
That's what it takes,
a 100-year-old white man
to make this work!
Okay, let's pop it on the board.
Here we go!
How can there be no hammers?
We must have packed hammers.
No. None of the big doctor brains
packed a hammer.
There are wrenches.
Then use a wrench as a hammer.
That's not how
you take care of your wrenches!
No toothbrushes or deodorant either,
but there are ten years' worth of tampons,
for some reason.
Wait.
Young man, what are you using as a shovel?
Sir, it's actually
Spaceman Obie Hanrahan, sir!
And I'm using a metal moon scoop
with an adjustable
crescent-shaped head, sir!
That's a wrench, you dimwit.
Hey, what's that hissing noise?
Jesus... Uh...
you have to patch that up immediately,
or you'll all die.
The... The duct tape's in locker 1.
Dr. Mallory, the Chinese Space Agency
just posted some video of their base.
- Wow.
- Put it on the big screen.
How many pillows do you need?
It's already one-sixth gravity.
How many did you serve like this?
"How many did you serve like this?"
Are you drunk right now?
Fine. You're fired.
Should I tell your dad?
You know, sure, dude.
Tell him.
He doesn't have a fucking leg to stand on.
Okay, this is what I learned,
and I think you're gonna go crazy
for this.
There are three cans of shaving cream
on that moon base,
and there's two cans of hairspray.
If we just switch those nozzles,
we can cause some serious mischief.
It's not enough. They trampled our flag.
What else you got?
Okay, your eyebrows tested poorly
in men and women ages six to 45.
Why are you testing my eyebrows?
It was unsolicited.
People just want
to talk about your eyebrows.
The joint chiefs are on the phone
in the conference room.
They want an update.
How's it going, General?
Every news outlet on the planet
is showing some Chinese rover
doing donuts on our most sacred...
cloth.
We need a quick military response.
- Oorah!
- Hooah!
- Hooyah!
- Hooyah!
Booyah!
You have the go-ahead
to attack the Chinese base.
How do you wanna do it?
Our lead suggestion from the focus group
would be to shaving-cream
the shit out of them.
And if that's not enough,
we also have the capability to TP as well.
And possibly graffiti the side
of their base with "China sucks."
Sound good?
- Oora...
- No! No, no, no.
We need to burn that Chinese base
to the ground.
I thought that's why
you brought an arsonist!
Well, not really, obviously.
Yes, really, obviously!
This... This has been debated
in the policy circles
as high up in the administration
as you can think!
It's time to stand tough!
Look, nobody wants to get back
at these commie bastards
more than I do, but...
breaking a treaty with a reprisal attack
of unwarranted destruction,
and putting noncombatant scientists
in harm's way...
Mmm...
That's like three violations
of the Geneva Convention.
Okay, look.
I'm not a professional politician,
but this European International Treaty,
come on!
Don't get captured like a bunch of losers,
and you don't have to worry about
how they treat you.
How about we just continue to look for
some more creative solutions?
Yeah, well,
I think destroying the base is lame,
and it's a war crime, uh,
which you should never ever do.
- All right, look!
- Uh, okay.
You have your orders, Naird!
I need a complete outline and strategy
for this battle plan
to destroy this Chinese base,
and I need it shock, I need awe,
and I need it in PDF,
'cause my computer doesn't have Word.
God.
So that is the order from the top.
You can't do that.
These are scientists and astronauts.
I have to. It's the chain of command.
Mark, they just named the flat area
where we landed The Plains of Mallory.
Oh, that is so cool. Congrats.
Thank you. But now, it could become
the site of the first moon atrocity.
I don't want to read that in a textbook.
Yeah, nobody wants that.
I'm sure cooler heads will prevail.
Just some saber-rattling.
The next resupply
can't launch for a month, so...
hopefully, they'll have the time
to cool off before the guns show up.
Yeah.
Captain Ali,
I'd like you to look in locker 5.
It says "spare oxygen."
Just open it.
Okay, but we do have spare oxygen
somewhere, right?
What do you want us to do with these,
General?
I'm not sure yet.
Just, uh, show everyone how to use them.
Make sure they're cleaned and loaded.
Yes, sir.
Loading and cleaning guns.
Feels like no matter what I start doing,
I always end up loading and cleaning guns.
I haven't been allowed
to touch one of these in forever.
I just hope the general knows
what he's doing.
What if the Chinese have guns?
No. They're a research center.
So are we.
You already have guns on board?
No toothbrushes, but room for guns?
You lied to me, Naird!
General Naird, Chief Scientist!
They were for self-defense.
Oh, sure they were!
Sometimes,
provocation requires a show of force!
Neville Chamberlain didn't do that,
and Hitler invaded Poland!
Not everything is World War II!
Well, not everything is Vietnam!
I thought you were one of the good guys,
with your John Wayne swagger.
But you're no John Wayne.
You are Wayne John!
- Who?
- Wayne John!
Wayne John!
I worked with him at IBM!
He stole pencils!
My pencils!
If you had any integrity at all,
you would quit!
The person in line behind me
will be even worse!
I know I'm not perfect,
but I know I'm not the worst.
Well, you take that up
with your next chief scientist.
- I quit!
- Adrian!
Adrian!
Adrian!
Adrian! Adrian!
Rocky! Rocky!
Right?
Hey, Captain Ali.
Whoa. What up, stalker?
Just sitting there all creepy,
staring at me.
How long have you been watching me, huh?
Do you watch me sleep, too?
Do you want me to be watching you?
Uh, no. Gross. I was just messing around.
Well, that's not the story
your heart rate is telling.
I'm going into battle tomorrow.
Anyway, um, I kind of thought
you were calling me
with an "I just want you to know."
A what?
You know, an "I just want you to know."
It's like when people are like,
"If we never see each other again,
I just want you to know,
like, how I feel."
Um...
You know that all communications
with the launch room
are recorded for posterity, Captain?
Okay. No. Copy that, Scientist.
Yes, loud and clear, and never mind.
Actually, Chief Scientist now.
Dr. Mallory quit today.
Oh, wow. I mean...
Congratulations, I guess.
But I also can't help thinking
that means I'm fucked.
No. You're a superhero.
And the queen of TikTok.
The what?
It's good to be black on the moon.
Goddamn it.
Okay.
I cannot believe that's only like
the tenth weirdest thing about today.
Thanks for showing me.
Yeah. Well, I just wanted you to know.
That I'm a meme?
Yeah! You know, in case, like,
we never see each other again,
I just wanted you to know.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is there any, uh, sauce?
I forgot the sauce.
Oh, that's no problem.
Do you have any cheese or, uh,
is there salad?
Mark, you said you were a good cook.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry. I'm not gonna eat this.
I'm not two years old.
I apologize.
My focus is off.
- What's up?
- Adrian Mallory quit today.
Why? Did you make him dinner?
He didn't like something
that the military was doing.
Oh, well,
he sounds like a spoiled little shit.
Sometimes he is, but not this time.
Well, will he come back
if you stop doing what you're doing?
Ah, I can't. It was an order.
No, what are you doing?
Mark, what are you...
No. Stop it. I cannot let you eat that.
It's barely cooked.
It's crunchy.
Oh, God. Here.
No, no, no. No, no.
I may be called upon to make a decision
that I have to be completely sober for.
It's not about sex, is it?
Cause I don't mind if you're tipsy.
I have to be prepared
to order soldiers into battle.
Can't really talk about it.
I don't know what to do.
When you asked me out,
you knew you had to tell me
about your wife.
Even though it would probably ruin things.
You literally couldn't do the wrong thing.
So I'm not worried about you.
What if I don't know
what the right thing to do is?
But you do.
Don't you?
Help me defy an order.
Ooh.
That is where I shine.
I've been defying authority
since I was 13.
And now I'm gonna teach you
to use the most subversive weapon
known to man:
passive-aggression.
Oh, God, I hate that.
Yeah, of course,
because you're a straight white male,
you always had other weapons.
But the rest of us,
we have to be subtle in our disobedience,
or we risk punishment.
Oh, so interesting.
Go on. I'm so interested.
No, see, that's sarcasm. That's different.
Imagine in this situation,
you could say that
you're following through with the order,
but then you forget to,
or you can interpret
that order creatively.
"Destroy the bathroom"
could mean a number of things
and, if all else fails,
you can feign incompetent,
which shouldn't be a problem.
Well, that explains Brad, doesn't it?
Not entirely.
Huh.
- What are we to do?
- I'll handle it!
He'll handle it.
Mr. Secretary, I just want to let you know
before we begin,
that I am running low on cell battery,
so I may lose you.
Uh, here's the situation as it stands.
Well done, sir.
Nobody answer the phone
for the next two hours.
Yes, sir.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Got a smoke?
Can't buy your own?
I can.
Just don't feel like it.
Tell you what.
I'll give it to you in my truck.
Come on. We're going to a party.
Fuck it.
I've got it.
Beijing is hosting
the Winter Olympics 2022.
We boycott.
Then they win even more medals.
No, China's surprisingly awful
at Winter Olympic sports.
But boy-oh-boy, Norway would be happy.
Okay, say you are a criminal.
What would be meaner
than TP-ing somebody's house,
but not as aggressive
as home invasion-slash-murder?
Tying the family up and letting them think
they're gonna be murdered.
Then they live
with the fear and horror forever.
Jesus, Brad.
No wonder my dogs are scared of you.
Uh, excuse me, General, sir.
The Sec Def is on
in the conference room for you.
Balls!
All right, tell him I'll be right there.
Put him on hold.
- What are you gonna say?
- I'm not gonna say anything.
I'm gonna go eat egg salad sandwiches
until I puke.
Uh...
Hey. Hey!
Hey, I think, um, you can just let me out,
like, right here.
That's... That's totally fine.
Hey. You guys.
Hey! Let me out here, okay?
Excuse me!
Can you please let me out?
Fucking kidding me!
What the hell?
Did you guys not hear me yelling?
They're stonewalling us.
Where... Where... Where's Grabaston?
In the air
and ready to swoop in!
Big Eagle is ready to replace
the Dodo Bird!
I like what you said up there.
I wish I was black on the moon.
Thank you, sir.
Captain, when we first met,
you disobeyed an order.
Yeah, I remember it well, sir.
Today, I'm thinking about doing the same.
This is being recorded, General.
The generation that won World War II
was exposed to so much awful reality
that they made mostly good decisions
for a long time after.
Forget history, and you are doomed
to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Forget how bad polio was,
people stop taking vaccines.
Forget how bad world wars are,
people start puffing out their chests.
The real enemy is arrogance.
Angela, I think there are springs
and bolts and such
in those Manchester Arms devices
that would be better used
to build your habitat.
I'd like you to disassemble them
and let Eddie use the parts.
You're telling me to...
to take the guns apart,
which would disable them, General.
That is correct.
Thin ice, General.
Thin ice.
ID?
Step aside, Gomer.
Sir, I need to see some Space Force ID
to let anyone inside.
Here is my Space Force ID.
And a second ID with a photo.
A passport, Costco card.
If you have to run on home...
Oh, for fuck's sakes, restrain him.
Gladly.
General Naird!
You were ordered to order an attack,
and I am ordering you to obey that order.
I'm not your waitress, Kick.
I'm going to count to 125.
Just count to three.
Counting to 125 will give you ample time
to think it over.
This is wrong, Kick.
Deep down, you know it, too.
I don't give a shit.
Arrest him.
And don't try to run, Naird,
or we'll shoot you in the back.
Get me whoever is in charge up there.
Her name is Captain Ali, sir.
Captain Ali, you are hereby ordered
to attack the Chinese base.
Can't, sir.
Guns are disabled.
The barrels are now water pipes,
and the springs are in the thermostats.
Naird... that's treason.
It's not treason
to disobey an unlawful order.
Well, there must be something else
you can use as weapons.
We have a crazy amount of wrenches.
The big brainiac
packed wrench after wrench.
Go get 'em.
Bigger the better.
Sir, where is General Naird?
I am in command now.
It's wrenchin' time.
It, um... It looks like
we're actually doing this.
Everybody suit up.
Boots on the moon.
Boots on the moon.
Julio!
- Spacesuit.
- Oh. Yes.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Bug, it's not really a good time.
Dad, Dad, I'm in the desert, west of town,
with some sketchy dudes.
Erin, it doesn't sound like
you're making good choices.
You have to make good choices.
It wasn't. It was a terrible choice,
but I need you to come get me, okay?
You said I could always call you
if I needed a ride.
I know, I know I did.
But I can't come right now.
I've been arrested.
What? No. Mom was arrested.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
I'm... I have been, too. I'm sorry.
Well, that's great!
Both my parents are in jail,
and I can't get a tattoo. Okay.
Honey! Honey!
God.
Fu...
All right.
Yeah.
Duncan, it's Erin.
Can you come get me?
No. I'm sitting next to your dad.
I got arrested, too.
Fuck!
For the record, I am against this action.
Someone's taking notes, right?
This is all Kick's baby now.
We can't let this happen.
Fuck Tony, come with me.
My name is Dr. Adrian Mallory.
I am the former Chief Scientist
of Space Force.
And if the world
does not stop this madness,
I will set myself on fire!
Yes, the entire world is listening.
This is your moment.
I'll give you one chance to change course!
Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't you try and stop me, Brad!
I am doing it!
Okey-dokey. Well, you're a better man
than I'll ever be.
Wait.
Don't... Goodbye!
Okay, so what's in the can.
Is it gasoline?
Yes, this is gas.
I guess the first step would be
to sprinkle it on your pants.
So I suppose I should do that now?
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
If you need help,
I can help you out. Here...
Thank you, Fuck Tony, but you know what?
I... I think I've proven
what I wanted to prove.
I mean, let's face it.
At the end of the day, I think I'm done.
- I'm good.
- We're already here. We got the gasoline.
No, I know, but it's...
I'm good. It's fine. Thank you.
Mom, I'm in trouble,
and Dad and the only other guy I know
who could help are useless.
Well, don't tell me that
when I can't do anything.
Jesus, honey!
Mommy, I'm scared.
Erin, you're gonna have to handle this one
on your own.
Fuck.
Do you have your lighter in your pocket?
Or are you just glad to see me?
What?
I have it.
Okay. Okay.
Good. Good. Good.
There you go.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Jesus! Erin, no helmet?
I know. Sorry.
- So, who doesn't have your back?
- Okay, yes.
- You're my hero.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks deserted.
Okay.
Let's do this thing.
Wait. Dad, do you see something down there
in the gully?
Oh, my God.
- Maggie?
- Whoo!
- Mom!
- Hi!
I escaped!
Just came to save you!
Sweetie!
Oh, you guys!
- This is Louise.
- Hi.
She's been very helpful.
This is great!
We're all together.
And Louise.
Tell General Grabaston we've rendered
the Chinese moon base inoperable.
Destroyed the life-support systems,
breached the capsule walls in all pods,
and released the oxygen as ordered.
We are returning with their extra stores
and will prepare to receive the scientists
as refugees at the US base.
Oh, shit!
Captain Ali?
Now what do we do?
You have one new message.
Uh, sir,
I noticed that you escaped,
which is great. Congrats.
I don't believe you're a traitor.
No matter, you know, what they're saying.
I don't wanna worry you,
but the spacemen
are just a little tiny bit fucked.
So if you could maybe sneak back
and give us a hand,
you know, it'd be great.
But, you know, of course,
you'll probably be court-martialed
if you come back, so tough choice.
Ooh. I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up, destiny ♪
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up to the moon ♪
♪ Bang, bang, shoot 'em up
One, two, three ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ I wanted to be a spaceman
That's what I wanted to be ♪
♪ But now that I am a spaceman
Nobody cares about me ♪
♪ Hey, Mother Earth
Won't'cha bring me back down ♪
♪ Safely to the sea? ♪
♪ Around and around and around and around
Is all she ever say to me ♪
♪ I wanted to make a good run
I wanted to go to the moon ♪
♪ I knew that it had to be fun
I told 'em to send me real soon ♪
♪ I wanted to be a spaceman
I wanted to be it so bad ♪
♪ But now that I am a spaceman
I'd rather be back on the pad ♪
♪ Hey, Mother Earth
Won't'cha bring me back down ♪
♪ Safely to the sea? ♪
♪ Around and around and around and around
Is just a lot of lunacy ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ 'Round and around and
Around and around and around ♪
♪ So bring me back down ♪
♪ 'Round and around and
Around and around and around ♪