South Park (1997–…): Season 8, Episode 14 - Woodland Critter Christmas - full transcript

Someday I'll be old enough
to stick my dick up Britney's butt!

Way up in the mountains
in a small little town,

The Main Street was being
decorated all up and down.

People stood in long lines,
sometimes waiting hours or more,

Because Christmas need
to be bought in a store.

But out in the forest,
not too far away...

...The little woodlandcritters were also
preparing for their Christmas day.

It's almost time when
he time is here,

The time that's only once a year.

We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near.

A Woodland Critter Christmas!



The little critters worked
hard as they happily sang

And each one of them had
a quite interesting name

There was Squirrely the squirrel,
Rabbity the rabbit,

Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear

Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk,

Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer

Woodpeckery the woodpecker,
Mousey the mouse,

and Chickadee-y the chickadee,
all made the forest their house.

And on that magical day,
stumbling upon all of that,

was a surprised little boy,
in a red poofball hat.

What the hell?

Christmastime is once a year

Every critter holds it dear

Every animal big or small



Christmas means so much to us all

Well hello there.
Welcome to our forest.

How do you like our Christmas tree?

It's... nice.

Why, it's the most
perfect tree in the forest!

Oh no, I see a problem.

What is it, Mousey?

Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star.

Ohhhh...

We can't have a tree with no star on it.

What are we gonna do?

Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our
new friend can help us find a star.

Can you really? Oh would you please?
Could you help us?

Okay, okay...

Yay!... Yay!...

And so, using some
paper and working with glee,

the boy in the red poofball hat
made a star for the tree

Ohhhh...

It's the nicest star i ever saw.

The little critters cheered
and Beavery said with a smile

How would you like to sing
and dance with us for a while?

The boy in the red
poofball hat smiled and said

Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home.

Goo, goodbye Stanny!

Goodbye, Stanny!
Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat!

Wugh.

Hi, Stanny!

Oh, whatta?

His friends were all there!
What a wonderful surprise!

The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes

What time is it!

You aren't gonna believe
what happened, Stanny.

It's the most magical
Christmas gift ever!

Porcupiney is pregnant!

You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.

I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand
the seriousness of the fertilization.

Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny.
Her conception was immaculate.

She's gonna give
birth to our Lord and Savior.

...What?

It has been foretold unto me that
I would give birth on Christmas Day.

So soon!

How delightful!

Our souls are saved!

Finally the critters are gonna
have a Savior of their very own,

of their very own!

There's just one problem: We don't have
a manger for our Savior to be born in.

Awwww.

But we got to have a manger.

Can you do it, Stan.
Can you build us a manger? Huh?

"Of course I'll build you a little manger!"
the little boy cried,

and he winked at his critter
friends and leapt to their side!

And out in the woods
the boy steamed right ahead,

making a place for the
critter babe to lay its sweet head

Gee whiz, if it isn't
the nicest manger I ever saw.

I deduce it shall serve
as a perfectly suitable

resting place, for the Son of our Lord.

Does this mean we can go to sleep now?

My Son will have the
nicest bed in all the forest.

Fit for a king!

This is going to be
the best critter Christmas ever!

It's almost time when the time is here,

The time that's only once a year.

We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near-

All right, I'm going now

The mountain lion! Hide!

Go away! Shoo!

Is it gone?

I deduce it is.

I'm not c-c-comin' out.

Well, this is the end. The mountain lion
obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant,

and he's gonna kill it again.

Again?

Every Christmas the mountain
lion comes down and eats the

virgin critter impregnated
with the Son of our Lord.

Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.

Let's face it. The mountain lion will
never let our Savior be born.

Awwww.

Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas.
We've got Stanny!

Of course! Stanny can do
anything! If he can build a manger,

he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!

Christmas is saved!

High up in the forest
on a dark, craggy peak,

the horrid mountain lion lived
and preyed on the weak.

For the critters to be saved,
someone had to stop that nasty old cat...

Goddamnit, this is fucking ridiculous!

Said the little boy in the red poofball hat.

Killing the mountain lion was no easy task,

but he thought of a plan,
and he thought of it fast.

Grrr. Grrr! Come on out!

Come on, critter killer!
Your days of slaughtering

innocent little animals are over!

Rawrrrrr!

Rawrrrrr!

In a flash it was over! A victorious blow!

The mountain lion lay slain
on the cold ground below.

Hokay, there.

Mommy? Mommy!

W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!

Don't leave us, Mommy.

Man-boy, why?
Why did you kill our mommy? Why?

I... the... critters.
Their... bir-birth of a Savior?

The tiny cubs all gathered
together and cried,

All alone in the world
because their mother had died.

Aw. Awww!

Oooo.

You all right, Lady Porcupiney?

Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.

Well, it's been much too
long now. Uh I'm afraid

our helpful friend
Stanny must be very dead.

Yep, the mountain lion
probably swallowed him whole.

I guess that means our Savior
is gonna be made into Savior stew.

Awwww.

Wait a minute, look!

Stanny!

Stanny, you're alive.

But, does that mean
you killed the mountain lion?

It's dead.

For real and for true?

Are you sure?

I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.

He did it! Now our critter Christmas
can finally happen! Hail Satan!

Hail Satan!

Wait, wha-what?

You've done us a huge favor, Stanny!

Without the mountain lion
around, the Lady Porcupiney

can give birth to the Antichrist!

Yaaay Satan!

Waiwait, the Antichrist? You said she
was giving birth to your savior!

Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan,
Prince of Darkness.

But I thought you meant the Son of God!

Well, think about it: You really think
God would have sex with a porcupine?

No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness
and King of all Evil would do that!

Yay!

This just calls for a celebration! Let's
sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!

Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!

Drink his blood! Drink his blood!

Blood orgy!...

Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!

What special time and special day,

It's Woodland Critter Christmas.

Hail Satan.

In the gentle forest
clearing on Christmas Eve morn,

The little forest critters prepared
for the Antichrist to be born.

The noble mountain lion had stopped evil
in all the years past,

But now the good protector lay
dead as the good owls amassed.

And meanwhile three
lion cubs were crying away.

For them there would
certainly be no Christmas Day,

And soon the forest would suffer from
the offspring Satan begat.

All of this because of the little boy in
the red poofball hat.

Ugh.

Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen,

there was nobody to stop
the Apocalypse, it seemed.

Uuugh!

"I know!" he said with a new happy grin,

"I'll go back to the forest
and speak with those critters again!"

No nonono.

He ran out the living room,
turned out the light,

and went back to the forest
to set everything right!

...and went back to the forest
to set everything right!

...He tried to forget all
about it by watching TV

but his conscience caught up with him
and to the forest he did flee.

...He thought he could hide
from his problems - not true!

He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!

Leave me aLONE!...

He knew that only by
going to the forest could he-

All right all right all right! God!

Hey, look everyone!
It's our old pal, Stanny.

Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!

Yeah. We've got a big problem.

The Great Satan has commanded
that when the Antichrist is born,

we must find a human host
body to transfer it into.

That way he could take over the whole world.
The whole world!

The human must be non-baptized
and heathenistic against Christ.

We figured you'd be perfect!

Yay!

I'm not a heathen!
I was baptized and my family's Christian!

Awwwww.

But we got to have a human
host body for the Antichrist.

Oh dear, maybe we won't have
a critters C-Christmas after all.

Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help
us find non-baptized heathen human.

Will you really, Stanny?

No!... I'm not doing you
anymore favors and I'm

not letting you give
birth to the Antichrist!

I came here to put a stop to all this!

To stop us?

But gee whiz, Stan, if
you try to stop us, we'd

have to use our evil
satanic powers on ya.

Right, whatever.

I'm taking down the manger I built.

Ah!

Aaaah!...

Aagh! Aaaahh!

AAAAAAAH!...
AAAAAAAH!...

Oh boy!
Our satanic powers sure did the trick!

Our powers get stronger every day,
get stronger every day!

Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can
stop the birth of the Antichrist,

except for a mountain lion.

And you got rid o'her.

Yay!

The boy shook with anger!
He broke a sweat and fell ill

When he remembered there were
three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!

Oh yeah.

Hello?
Anybody in there?

Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!

He's come to kill us now.

It's okay. I died inside
when Mommy was killed anyways.

Yeah, better this than the slow death
we'd face without a mother around.

Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The,
the squirrel told me she was evil.

You got tricked by a squirrel?
Gee, you're not too smart,

are you, mister?

I'm trying to make this all
right again, but the only thing

that can stop devil-worshiping
critters is a mountain lion!

Yeah, and you killed her.

Well, you're mountain lions.

Us? No, we're just kids.
We still have our baby teeth.

And our baby claws.

And a dead mom.

There still has to be a way
for you to kill the porcupine's baby.

What? You mean like in an abortion?

Yeah. An abortion. That can work.

But, we don't know how to give abortions.

Do you know some place we can learn, mister?

"Where can they learn that?"
the boy said with a frown.

"I know! The abortion
clinic just outside of town. "

What?!

So he picked up the cubs
and down the mountain he stormed.

And took them to where
abortions are performed.

No, he didn't.

Yes he did.

No, he didn't!

Yes he did.

No, he didn't!...

Yes he

did!

Aw Goddamnit!

Said the boy in the red poofball
hat! "We've made it already,

little cubs! Fancy that!"

Excuse me, what are you doing here?!

The abortion doctor inquired.

If you wanna be in the OR,
a pass is required!

I don't know, I, I'm supposed
to show these mountain

lions how an abortion is
performed or something,

I... I know, it'd ridiculous.

Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform!

It's only three days until Christmas, so
I have LOTS of abortions to perform!

Gather around my table, cute little lions,

I'll teach you to do
abortions without even tryin'!

And so the little boy
and the cubs gathered around the chair base,

And all day watched abortion
after abortion take place.

Christmas time is once a year.

Every critter holds it dear.

Every animal big or small,

Christmas means so much to us all.

It's once a year, it's Christmastime!

And it happens once a year.

It's once a year, it's Christmastime!

When we hear about how Christmas only comes

Once a year.

This better have a point, dude.
This really better have a point.

It's almost time when the time is here,

The time that's only once a year.

Oh look. That little feller is all alone.

Gee, he looks sad.

Hi there!

What the hell?

How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve.

My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Aww, but why?

Well, because, we don't really...
believe in Jesus.

Yay!

But does that mean you aren't baptized?

No. I'm Jewish.

Yay! Yay!

You've got to come with us!

You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!

Huh?

Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!

What special time and special day,

It's Woodland Critter Christmas.

Hail Satan.

Twas the night before Christmas,
and above the woods, way up high,

a new bright shiny star hung in the sky.

For the world to be saved
there was only one shot.

A little boy with three cubs,
and an abortion plot.

Okay, come on, the critters
are over this way. You mountain

lions ready to stop the
Antichrist from being born?

Sure. We know how to give abortions now.

He arrived at the critter
forest ready to fight,

but then gasped when he saw
a most dreadful sight.

Guys, we did it!

The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a
thousand years of darkness to the forest.

The Antichrist had been born,
sealing the world's fate.

The boy in the red poofball hat...
was too late.

Too late?
The hell is that?

Oh. Hiya, Stanny!

Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?!

It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!

Now all we have to do is put
the Antichrist into our human host.

Let's go! All right! Woohoo!

That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness
and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?

When up in the sky the sound
of sleigh bells were heard And

a jolly red sleigh flew down
to the earth like a bird!

Wwow, look, there's Santa Claus!

Yay!

Let's eat his flesh!

All right, what the hell is going on?! Why
is there a red star glowing in the sky?

We finally did it, Santa!
We brought forth the

Antichrist with help
from our good friend,

Stanny.

Death and pain await all living things.

Little boy, you should be ashamed!

I mean, I didn't mean to help them,
I I tried to stop them!

Well good going, stupid! There's only one
way to stop devil-worshiping critters!

Aaaaah!

Dude, what the?

Hold steady, Santa.

Come on, dude.

Gee whiz, Santa,
you're not gonna kill me, are you-

But Santa, what do we do
about the Antichrist?

Don't worry, boys. The
Antichrist cannot survive

without a human host body to go into.

No.

No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!

What? Kyle?...

With his power, I can finally make the
earth a better place for the Jews!

Don't do it, Kyle!

Dude!...

Yes, yes! Now the Jews will take control
of Christmas once and for all!

HAHA! HAAA!...

Oh, stop it, Cartman!

Just stop it! That's
enough! You aren't reading

another sentence of your stupid story!

I don't believe anyone interrupted YOU when
you read your Christmas story aloud,

Kyle.

This whole time your stupid
story was just a way to

rip on me for being
Jewish at Christmas again!

Mr. Garrison,
could you do something, please?

Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels
discriminated against, you'll

have to stop or else I'll
get a call from his mother.

All right, fine! Forget it!

Wwell but, but what happened?

Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand
years of darkness or not?

What happens to the lion cubs?

Well, I guess we'll never know, because
Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.

No, it all worked out, right? The world was
saved and I went home for Christmas dinner.

Dude, why do you care?!

Well after all that I at
least wanna know if I had

a merry Christmas or if
darkness rules the earth.

Oh come on! It's obvious
what happens! I get killed

by Santa Claus so that
Christmas is saved!

That's not at all what happens.

Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end.

Yeah yeah, come on!

All right, fine!

"Oh dear, my best friend is
possessed! How about that?"

said the little boy
in the red poofball hat.

HAHAHAA!...
Now I shall rule the-

Aww. Uuugh. God it burns!
AAAH! My soul is on fire!

Whoa. Oh, I don't like this!

I didn't know it would feel so...
dark and evil!

Well what did you expect, dude?
It's the son of the Devil.

Oh God, what have I done?...

I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be
the vessel for the Antichrist.

I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle!
Santa's gonna have to kill you!

No Santa, don't!

We don't have a choice.
In a few hours, the dark

creature inside him
will consume his soul.

The little boy fretted.
He almost started to bawl

But that's when he came up
with the best idea of all.

The lion cubs!

The little boy quickly begun,

I took them to see how abortions are done.

What?...

Now cubs, do like they showed you.
Hurry up fast!

Get the Antichrist out of
my friend Kyle's ass!

And in the twinkling starlight,
each little cub did their portion.

They remember all they had learned
and gave Kyle an abortion.

Thanks, everybody.
I I'm sorry I got a little crazy there.

Well little boy, it seems that YOU

have really been through a lot. Is there any
special present you would like this year?

Yeah. Yeah, there is.

Weh, ah my, what happened?

Mommy?

Yay! You're back!
We missed you, Mommy!

Ogh, good.

And back home, there were presents,
and lots of food to get fat.

And it was the best Christmas ever for
the boy in the red poofball hat.

And they all lived happily
ever after. Except for Kyle,

who died of AIDS two weeks later.

Goddamnit Cartman!

Christmastime is once a year

Every creature holds it dear

Every animal big or small

Christmas means the world to us all

It's once a year, it's Christmastime

When we hear about how Christmas
only comes Once a year.