South Park (1997–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? - full transcript
The boys become obsessed with religion after a sermon about hell scares them. Meanwhile, Saddam returns to Hell and tries to dispose of Satan's new boyfriend.
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
? I'm going down
to south park?
? Gonna have
myself a time?
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
? Humble folks
without temptation?
? Going down
to south park?
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
? Ample parking
day or night?
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
? Headed on up
to south park?
? Gonna see if
i can't unwind?
? So come on down
to south park?
? And meet some
friends of mine?
Tonight stellar productions
presents
The boy band
of the decade
It'sfingerbanglive
from madison square gardens!
? Fingerbang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm going fingerbang bang you
into my life?
? Girl you like to fingerbang
and it's all right?
? Because i'm the king of
fingerbang let's not fight?
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang
you every night?
? And girl you know that
you're the only girl for me?
? Girl girl you're the girl
of my fantasies?
Cartman, i want you!
? You're my girl?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm gonna
fingerbang bang?
Yeah.
Yes, yes,
i'm a star.
I'm a star!
I'm-
Oh, i'm nobody,
goddamn it!
Wait a minute, maybe
that was a sign from god.
That's it,
isn't it?
You want me to start a boy band, so i
can make ten million dollars, don't you?
That's it!
Gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
This is the beginning
of a great time in our lives.
God has finally
spoken to me, guys
And he has told me how
i can make $10,000,000.
How?
Boy band.
Boy band?
Boy band.
I'm not being
in a faggy boy band.
There's nothingfaggyabout
$10,000,000, asshole!
This was a message
from god!
Dude, we don't have
any musical talent.
That didn't stop any of
the other boy bands, dumbass!
I've got prerecorded music we
can sing to, just like they do.
All we need to do is practice our
choreography over and over and over.
Mmrm-Mrm-Mrrm-Mrrm-Mrm.
Shut up, kenny, and then i know i can
get us a gig at the south park mall.
So everybody get in
a straight line,
We're going to listen to
the song from the top and-
Wait a minute, there's
only four of us. So?
So all boy bands
what? Have five members.
N'sync, backstreet boys,
new kids on the block,
All had five members.
He's right.
Damn it!
Okay, okay, okay.
We'll put off practice for now and
hold auditions for a fifth member.
Get the word out that auditions
will be tomorrow morning.
Did you have fun at eric's
house today, stanley?
I guess.
What did you do?
Well, cartman wants
to start a boy band,
So we're going to rehearse and then
try to perform at the south park mall.
Oh, that sounds nice.
No, it doesnot
soundnice.
Stanley, you are going to have
nopart of that boy band.
But dad, all my friends
are doing it.
If all your friends jumped off
a cliff, would you do that too?
Cartman says we can
make $10,000,000.
You are not going to be in a boy
band, stanley, and that is final!
Geez, what's up
dad's ass?
? Little bunny foo-Foo
hopping through the forest?
? Scoopin' up the field mice
and bopping 'em on the head?
Down came the white angel
and she said...
? Little bunny foo-Foo
i don't want to see you?
? Scoopin' up the field mice
and bopping 'em on the head?
So now i'm going to
turn you into a worm
Bu-Bunny foo-Foo,
poof!
? Little wormy foo-Foo
crawling through the forest?
? Gettin' scooped up
by the field mice?
? And g-Gonna
bop him on the head?
Ah, thank you butters,
we'll let you know.
I can do it again.
We'll let
you know, butters.
Well, all right then.
Pff, oh my god, his
intonation was so off! It was?
Dude, i don't think i can sing
any better than that.
Guys, if we're going to impress
the mall owner and get that gig,
We'd better do it
better than that,next!
Ah, next is ike
brovlofsky. Kyle's brother?
I promised my mom
i'd let him try.
Christ sake.
What key?
"G".
? Itsy-Bitsy spider
up the water spout?
Next!
? Oh danny boy
the pipes are calling?
? Clang clang?
Next audition!
? E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-?
Goddamn it, next!
? G-U-B, when the teacher
wanna punch me?
Not the next song,
the next person!
Oh, man, this is gonna be
a long-Ass day.
Oh, no!
No, no, no, no!
Sorry, wendy, this is
try-Outs for aboyband.
Oh, come on dude,
let her try. No way!
Come on, cartman, you haven't
liked anybody else.
Okay, okay, fine.
Wow me!
? Mrs. Landers was a health nut,
she cooked food in a wok?
? Mr. Harris was her boyfriend
and he had a great big?
?Cock-A-Doodle-Doodle
the rooster just won't quit?
? And i don't want my breakfast
because it taste like?
?Shitzusmake good house pets
they're cuddly and sweet
? Monkeys aren't good to have
because they like to beat their?
?Meetingin the office
a meeting in the hall?
? The boss he wants to see you
so you can suck his?
?Balzacwas a writer
he lived with allen funt?
? Mrs. Roberts didn't like him
but that's because she's a?
?Contaminatedwater
can really make you sick?
? Your bladder gets infected
and blood comes out your?
?Dictatewhat i'm saying
'cause it will bring you luck?
? And if you all don't like it
i don't give a flying?
Thanks, wendy, don't call us,
we won't call you either.
Dude, what are you talking
about, that was awesome!
Dude, she's a chick!
Come on, nobody's
going to notice.
What about herhuge
freakin' hooters, huh?
She's the best chance we have,
i say she's in.
Me too.
Me too.
Oh, this is a democratic
boy band, is it?
All right fine, she's in
until she screws up.
Yeah!
Okay, you guys all ready
to rehearse?
It's 6:00 in the morning, do
we have to rehearse this early?
We have to rehearse
all that we can.
Now check this out,
my mom made us costumes.
Costumes?
Yeah, this one's
yours stan.
This one is kyle's.
This one will cover-Up
wendy's hooters.
Hey cartman, how come your costume
has, like, nose-Rings and facial hair?
'Cause i'm like, you know,
the tough one.
Every boy band has to have the one
member that's, you know, is tough.
I want to be
the tough one.
Kyle, you are the sweet one, will
you please just cooperate and not-
I wanna be
thetoughone.
You can't be the tough one
because you'rejewish!
Jews are tough!
Since when?
Since abraham,
fatass!
All right, fine, here.
Jesus christ, i wonder if every
boy band had to go through this.
Hey cartman, what does
"fingerbang" mean anyways?
I heard it on hbo,
it means like, you know,
When you pretend to use your
finger like a gun or something.
Mrlp-Mrhh-Mrr-Mrlp!
Kenny says that's
not what it means.
Okay, kenny, what does
fingerbang mean then?
What! Who the hell
would do that!
Jesus christ, grow up,
kenny, would you?
All right, boys,
let's do it from the top.
One, two, three, four...
Now i know that this is your first day
on the job of mall security, rookie.
Keeping the law in the mall
is just like any tough city
And especially because
they don't let us have guns,
It can be very dangerous.
All right, guys, just do it
like we rehearsed.
We need energy,
we need to be up!
Excuse me, just where
do you think you're going?
We're going to see
the mall manager.
Do you have
the proper clearance?
Uh-Oh, mall cops.
You have to make
an appointment first.
Now move along, sir.
But we practiced for days!
All we want to do is
show the guy what we can do,
So that maybe we'll have a chance
to perform in the plaza of the-
Ah, ah, oh!
Ah, ah, oh,
goddamn it!
Jesus christ, dude!
Oh, god,
i can't see!
Move along, sir,
or i'll do it again.
You see, you put your life
on the line every day.
Well, i guess we can't get in
to see the mall manager.
The hell we can't!
I'm not letting no washed-Up
mall cops ruin my divine quest.
Come on!
Hey!
What are you doing?
Nothing, just shopping.
Move along, sir.
You see, sometimes
you gotta just do that,
Keep shoppers
on their toes, try it.
Hey!
What are you doin'?
Nothing, why?
Move along, ma'am.
That's what being
a mall cop is all about.
Yeah, cool.
Attention mall shoppers,
The next 20 people to buy
an orange smoothie
Will also receive
a complimentary nissan sentra.
Hurry up.
Ah!
Jesus, they're gonna
start a riot!
All right, guys,
here we go.
Hello, sir!
What?
Hey, who are you?
We arefingerbang.
Oh, what?
How'd you get in here?
Hey!
We would like
to audition for you
For a gig in the central plaza
of your fine mall.
What? Oh, you want
to play at the mall?
Like tiffany?
Sort of like tiffany, yes,
can we audition?
Oh, well, i guess.
What?
All right,
let's do it, boys!
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang
you into my life?
? Girl, you like to fingerbang
and that's all right?
? Going to fingerbang bang
you every night?
? And girl you know, you girl,
you girl, you're the girl-?
? Girl, you're the girl
of my dreams?
Okay, that's enough!
? You're my fantasy, my fantasy
-? Thank you!
So, can we play here?
What?
No.
No?
Who? No.
Why not?
Well, uh, oh...
Right now there's a cheese
and sausage cart in the plaza,
And i would
- I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while.
What?
You don't think
we're any good, do you?
No, i mean,
Just not quite as good
as sausage and cheese.
Well, come on guys,
we gave it our best.
Wow, that was your best!
Wow, i feel so rejected.
Yeah.
There you are!
You're the hoodlums
who got on the intercom
And started an orange
smoothie riot! Uh-Oh.
I will now read you
your mall rights.
You have the right to shop
at a variety of malls-
Run for it!
Go get 'em, rookie!
Where is stan?
Oh, he's over at eric's house
practicing for his boy band.
What, i specifically
told him not to do that!
Now, randy, calm down, it's
just a silly little dream.
They're not gonna
actually make it.
And what if they
do make it, sharon?
What if they do make it? Are you
going to be the one to tell him?
Mom, what's up
dad's ass?
It's a long story, shelly.
Let's just say your father...
Has a lot up his ass
right now.
Oh, oh, hello, eric.
Problem, chef,
i have many problems.
Well, if you, uh, come back
in just a little bit, eric,
I'll see if i can
help you out.
I just don't know
what i'm going to do,
Sometimes i just wonder if god
is just toying with me.
All right, eric,
what's the matter?
Chef, god told me i was to start
a boy band and make $10,000,000.
The problem is,
it isn't working.
I mean i feel the music
burning inside me,
But i just can't
express it right, you know.
Well, eric, i think you're just
focusing in on the wrong thing.
Boy bands
aren't about music.
Boy bands are created
by corporations to make money,
They're all based
on "the garmlich effect".
What's
"the garmlich effect"?
The law of physics
that states
If one girl screams
for something,
It will make
other girls scream
And then it grows
exponentiously
Until all girls within a
five-Mile radius are screaming.
So how do
boy bands use that?
All they do
is make videos
Showing tons and tons of girls
screaming for the boy bands.
Once you get girls screaming,
you can't stop 'em.
They're crazy.
Except for lillith,
of course.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now go away.
Okay!
And a cucumber in the pants
never hurt either.
Cucumber in the pants,
got it!
All right everybody, listen up, this
is how this first shot is gonna work.
The girls are standing here and
then the members of the band walk by
Lookingcool.
When you see us,
you girls all scream like,
"Oh, my god it's fingerbang,
oh, my god!", okay?
Are we going to get paid
now or after?
I'll pay you afterwards,
promise.
Okay, timmy,
roll camera! Timmy!
Dude, what's wrong
with your leg?
Huh, oh chef said to put a cucumber
down my pants for good luck.
Ah!
Yay! Woo-Hoo!
Wait, wait, cut!
Ha-Ha-Ha!
You have to go crazier
than that.
I mean, you have to act like
it's freakin' leonardo decaprio.
We wouldn't give a rat's ass if
leonardo decaprio came walking passed us.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Fine, who would
you go crazy for?
Matt lauer.
Matt lauer.
Okay, fine, pretend
that we're matt lauer.
Oh, okay!
Okay, roll camera.
Timmy!
Ah!
Jesus christ!
? Fingerbang bang you
every night?
And cut!
All right,
our video is complete.
With the grace of god, i can
now go back to that mall manager
And show him
what we've got!
Okay, so,
where's our money?
Ah, kyle has it.
Stanley, what the hell
are you doing?
We're making
a music video.
You get in the truck
right now!
Dad, i was just -
Get in the truck!
Dad, i did all my chores, why
can't i play with my friends?
Stanley, it's just that
there's better things
You can be doing on a saturday
than singing and dancing.
You could be watching tv
or laying in bed.
Dad, i like being in a boy
band, i think it's interesting.
Well, there's plenty of other
interesting things you can do.
Have you ever tried marijuana? No!
Well, maybe it's time.
Dad!
Hey!
What are you doing?
I've got a new strain
of anthrax
That i will see unleash upon
all of north america.
Move along, sir.
Huh?
Attention, shoppers,
There are naked people
at the orange smoothie machine,
There are naked people
at the orange-
Oh!
God damn it.
Hello again.
What?
Oh, it's you,
i don't like you.
I know you didn't
loveour audition,
But now we have
a video.
Oh, what?
If you would, sir,
just watch this
And prepare
to be wowed.
Timmy!
Goddamn it,
our camera guy kinda sucks,
But this next shot we did
was really cool.
Ah!
Timmy,
livin' a lie!
Son of a bitch!
Hey, this video's dumb.
You don't understand,
Girls were going
crazy for us, please,
This is what god
wants me to do, please!
All right, all right,
what?
Well, i guess i can move the sausage
and cheese cart off to one side
For a little while.
Really, you will?
Only for
20 minutes though.
That's all we need.
How about this afternoon
at three o'clock?
Oh, okay.
Yes, thank you, sir,
you will not be disappointed.
Oh, mrs. Cartman,
i've been very bad, okay.
You have been bad,
mr. Mackey,
So you're going to have
to drink from this glass.
Oh, yeah,
that makes me hot.
Oh, mom!
Wow!
What?
It's not fair, dad, why can't
i be in a boy band?
Because i said so!
Dad, cartman said we're going to
perform in the mall at three o'clock,
My friends are going to be
pissed off at me. Pissed off then.
I don't understand, just let me let
me go do this one thing and i won't-
No!
No!
Dad, what the hell
is going on?
I was...
I was 18 when my high school men's
choir performed at the grand opening
Of a sporting goods store
in denver.
? Everything will wait?
? We are the little rains...?
I was just one
of 15 members
And i had no idea that a record
producer was in the audience.
?... The colorado trail?
Kid, can i talk to you?
Sure.
You were really great
up there.
Too good for a pissant choir
in a pissant mountain town.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, i'm putting together
a rock group,
Avocalgroup called
"the ghetto avenue boys".
I think you would make
a perfect member.
What, me, you like
my singing that much?
Yeah, i think
your mustache is perfect.
How would you like
to come to new york
And start
a singing career?
Oh my god!
I don't know.
I mean, i still have
another year of high school.
Hey, look, if you don't
want it, i'll keep looking.
No, wait, i mean...
i'll think about it.
I take it that means yes,
call me in the morning.
And just like that,
i left everything.
I dropped out
of high school.
See ya!
I said good-Bye
to my girlfriend.
See ya!
And i left my family.
See ya!
And suddenly there i was,
Thrown into a group
with four other young men
Who i didn't even know.
Take 112.
? You've got it,
you know you've got it, girl?
? What you've got is it?
The songs were terrible,
But believe it or not
the country ate them up.
The next thing i knew,
We were the biggest thing
in the world.
? What you've got is it?
? Now, give it
to me 'cause...?
I had everything,
a huge house
And all the women
you can imagine.
And then one day,
just as quick as it started...
All right guys,
let's take it from the top.
Hey, mr. Allens.
Hey, oh...
Uh, randy.
Who are they?
These are
"the avenue ghetto street boys".
My new boy band.
But, we're still
selling records, right?
Look, kid,
You're just getting a
littleoldto be in a boy band.
I'm 19.
Get a life, marsh!
All right, guys,
let's take it from the top.
They said that after
all the money we had made
We were in debt
to the studio.
So they towed my car.
See ya!
The women all left.
See ya! See ya!
And they took back my house. See ya!
The only thing i could do
was come back to colorado
And face everyone that
i had abandoned.
Hey, weren't you the guy
in thatstupidboy band,
"The ghetto avenue boys"?
Sure, i remember you.
? You got it baby?
? You got it going on?
And so, you see,
stanley,
Idoknow what
i'm talking about.
Jesus christ,
i never knew.
I didn't want you to know,
because now i'm a joke.
Ever since then, i have
wishedevery single day
That i can go back to that
moment when i was offered the job
And sayno!
Because all the fame,
the money, the women,
All it did
was build me up,
So that i could be knocked down
harder than anybody in the world.
That's what being in a boy band
is all about, stan.
It's people smothering you
and embracing you and loving you
And then spitting you out
and throwing you away
Like you were
last night's pork chops.
Now, we wander the earth
in disarray,
Us, new kids on the block,
the osmonds,
We're all the same.
Andthatis why
you can't go to the mall.
Okay.
Wow, there must be at least
20 people out there.
Where the hell is stan?
He'll be here,
stan wouldn't douche.
I swear to god, if he ruins
this dream of mine,
I will have his nuts!
Hey, are you gonna
do that thing or what?
Yes, yes, sir, any second, we're
just waiting on one more member.
Well, hurry up, i can't keep the sausage
and cheese cart off this spot much longer.
Yeah, we'll start
right away.
We'll have to do it
without him.
Hell no, i'm not being part
of afourmember boy band!
We'll look stupid.
Yeah!
Oh, goddamn it!
Dad?
Huh, yeah?
I just wanted
to tell you
That i don't think
you're a joke.
I mean, whatever
you used to be,
You're just my dad
And you're the best dad
i've ever had.
Come here, stanley.
Stan, it was wrong of me
to try and stop you
From joining a boy band
without explaining why.
I made some mistakes
in my life
And now i have to let you
make your own mistakes. Yeah.
You know, in a way, i think i was
evenjealous of you being in a boy band.
Isn't that stupid?
Not really.
Not any more stupid than some
of the other stuff you've done.
Well, come on, i'll drive
you down to the mall.
Really?
What you guys can do.
And then we'll go buy you a small
toy, so you can forget all about this.
All right!
What's happening here?
I don't know,
i guess nothing.
Hmm, well then,
let's walk away then.
Goddamn it,
people are walking away!
All right, kids,
that does it.
You're gonna have to move and make
way for the sausage and cheese cart.
Just another minute.
Sorry, get out.
Well, god, i guess you
got me again, didn't you?
Yeah, that was
a good one, god.
Hope it made you laugh,
you sick bastard.
What's that?
It's stan!
Oh, thank you, god,
oh, praise his name!
Dude, where the hell
have you been?
Sir, we're all here now,
can we go on, please?
Who?
Well, okay, i guess,
but hurry up.
We will.
Ladies and gentlemen,
You are about to witness the next
great boy band of the country.
Some day you will all
be among those who can say
"I saw fingerbang when they first
performed at some crappy little mall."
And so without
further ado
All five members of the-
Oh, my god,
they killed kenny!
You bastards!
No, he can't be dead.
Dude, he's pretty dead.
No, we were so close!
All right, that's it,
kids, get out!
But, we have to perform.
We don't have
a fifth member,cartman.
Oh, yes, we do.
Thank you all for your patience
and get ready forfingerbang!
? Fingerbang?
? Bang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang you
into my life?
? Girl, you like to fingerbang
and it's all right?
? Because i'm the king of
fingerbang let's not fight?
? I'll just fingerbang bang you
every night?
? I'll just fingerbang bang you
every night?
Yes, yes!
Thank you, yes!
We made $2.
You were great dad.
Yeah, i guess i still
got it in me a little.
Can i get
your autograph?
Okay, okay.
Hey, don't hassle
the talent, ma'am.
I actually don't really
know who they are,
I was just getting
an autograph -
Ah!
Move along, ma'am.
Thatwaspretty good, kids.
Maybe you can come perform
at my elk's club sometime.
Okay, yeah, maybe.
God, now it's like everybody
wants a piece of us.
Yeah.
I don't know if i can
handle all this fame.
I mean, i always thought
i'd want to be famous,
But now that i am
i don't know if i like it.
I mean i probably can't even walk through
this mall right now without people going
"Oh, my god, it's
thefingerbangguy, oh, my god."
Yeah, that's
gonna suck.
Yeah, i just want to be
a normal kid again,
Have a normal life and
appreciate what i have.
I think you boys are
very smart for your age.
Come on, i'll buy you all
an orange smoothie.
I don't think
they sell those anymore.
Hey, cartman, do you think god is going to
be mad at you for not making $10,000,000?
Oh, screw god, i'm not
scared of him, he's a pussy.
You know i'm just kidding,
right?
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
soundwriters?
comedy central
? I'm going down
to south park?
? Gonna have
myself a time?
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
? Humble folks
without temptation?
? Going down
to south park?
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
? Ample parking
day or night?
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
? Headed on up
to south park?
? Gonna see if
i can't unwind?
? So come on down
to south park?
? And meet some
friends of mine?
Tonight stellar productions
presents
The boy band
of the decade
It'sfingerbanglive
from madison square gardens!
? Fingerbang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm going fingerbang bang you
into my life?
? Girl you like to fingerbang
and it's all right?
? Because i'm the king of
fingerbang let's not fight?
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang
you every night?
? And girl you know that
you're the only girl for me?
? Girl girl you're the girl
of my fantasies?
Cartman, i want you!
? You're my girl?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm gonna
fingerbang bang?
Yeah.
Yes, yes,
i'm a star.
I'm a star!
I'm-
Oh, i'm nobody,
goddamn it!
Wait a minute, maybe
that was a sign from god.
That's it,
isn't it?
You want me to start a boy band, so i
can make ten million dollars, don't you?
That's it!
Gentlemen,
thank you for coming.
This is the beginning
of a great time in our lives.
God has finally
spoken to me, guys
And he has told me how
i can make $10,000,000.
How?
Boy band.
Boy band?
Boy band.
I'm not being
in a faggy boy band.
There's nothingfaggyabout
$10,000,000, asshole!
This was a message
from god!
Dude, we don't have
any musical talent.
That didn't stop any of
the other boy bands, dumbass!
I've got prerecorded music we
can sing to, just like they do.
All we need to do is practice our
choreography over and over and over.
Mmrm-Mrm-Mrrm-Mrrm-Mrm.
Shut up, kenny, and then i know i can
get us a gig at the south park mall.
So everybody get in
a straight line,
We're going to listen to
the song from the top and-
Wait a minute, there's
only four of us. So?
So all boy bands
what? Have five members.
N'sync, backstreet boys,
new kids on the block,
All had five members.
He's right.
Damn it!
Okay, okay, okay.
We'll put off practice for now and
hold auditions for a fifth member.
Get the word out that auditions
will be tomorrow morning.
Did you have fun at eric's
house today, stanley?
I guess.
What did you do?
Well, cartman wants
to start a boy band,
So we're going to rehearse and then
try to perform at the south park mall.
Oh, that sounds nice.
No, it doesnot
soundnice.
Stanley, you are going to have
nopart of that boy band.
But dad, all my friends
are doing it.
If all your friends jumped off
a cliff, would you do that too?
Cartman says we can
make $10,000,000.
You are not going to be in a boy
band, stanley, and that is final!
Geez, what's up
dad's ass?
? Little bunny foo-Foo
hopping through the forest?
? Scoopin' up the field mice
and bopping 'em on the head?
Down came the white angel
and she said...
? Little bunny foo-Foo
i don't want to see you?
? Scoopin' up the field mice
and bopping 'em on the head?
So now i'm going to
turn you into a worm
Bu-Bunny foo-Foo,
poof!
? Little wormy foo-Foo
crawling through the forest?
? Gettin' scooped up
by the field mice?
? And g-Gonna
bop him on the head?
Ah, thank you butters,
we'll let you know.
I can do it again.
We'll let
you know, butters.
Well, all right then.
Pff, oh my god, his
intonation was so off! It was?
Dude, i don't think i can sing
any better than that.
Guys, if we're going to impress
the mall owner and get that gig,
We'd better do it
better than that,next!
Ah, next is ike
brovlofsky. Kyle's brother?
I promised my mom
i'd let him try.
Christ sake.
What key?
"G".
? Itsy-Bitsy spider
up the water spout?
Next!
? Oh danny boy
the pipes are calling?
? Clang clang?
Next audition!
? E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-?
Goddamn it, next!
? G-U-B, when the teacher
wanna punch me?
Not the next song,
the next person!
Oh, man, this is gonna be
a long-Ass day.
Oh, no!
No, no, no, no!
Sorry, wendy, this is
try-Outs for aboyband.
Oh, come on dude,
let her try. No way!
Come on, cartman, you haven't
liked anybody else.
Okay, okay, fine.
Wow me!
? Mrs. Landers was a health nut,
she cooked food in a wok?
? Mr. Harris was her boyfriend
and he had a great big?
?Cock-A-Doodle-Doodle
the rooster just won't quit?
? And i don't want my breakfast
because it taste like?
?Shitzusmake good house pets
they're cuddly and sweet
? Monkeys aren't good to have
because they like to beat their?
?Meetingin the office
a meeting in the hall?
? The boss he wants to see you
so you can suck his?
?Balzacwas a writer
he lived with allen funt?
? Mrs. Roberts didn't like him
but that's because she's a?
?Contaminatedwater
can really make you sick?
? Your bladder gets infected
and blood comes out your?
?Dictatewhat i'm saying
'cause it will bring you luck?
? And if you all don't like it
i don't give a flying?
Thanks, wendy, don't call us,
we won't call you either.
Dude, what are you talking
about, that was awesome!
Dude, she's a chick!
Come on, nobody's
going to notice.
What about herhuge
freakin' hooters, huh?
She's the best chance we have,
i say she's in.
Me too.
Me too.
Oh, this is a democratic
boy band, is it?
All right fine, she's in
until she screws up.
Yeah!
Okay, you guys all ready
to rehearse?
It's 6:00 in the morning, do
we have to rehearse this early?
We have to rehearse
all that we can.
Now check this out,
my mom made us costumes.
Costumes?
Yeah, this one's
yours stan.
This one is kyle's.
This one will cover-Up
wendy's hooters.
Hey cartman, how come your costume
has, like, nose-Rings and facial hair?
'Cause i'm like, you know,
the tough one.
Every boy band has to have the one
member that's, you know, is tough.
I want to be
the tough one.
Kyle, you are the sweet one, will
you please just cooperate and not-
I wanna be
thetoughone.
You can't be the tough one
because you'rejewish!
Jews are tough!
Since when?
Since abraham,
fatass!
All right, fine, here.
Jesus christ, i wonder if every
boy band had to go through this.
Hey cartman, what does
"fingerbang" mean anyways?
I heard it on hbo,
it means like, you know,
When you pretend to use your
finger like a gun or something.
Mrlp-Mrhh-Mrr-Mrlp!
Kenny says that's
not what it means.
Okay, kenny, what does
fingerbang mean then?
What! Who the hell
would do that!
Jesus christ, grow up,
kenny, would you?
All right, boys,
let's do it from the top.
One, two, three, four...
Now i know that this is your first day
on the job of mall security, rookie.
Keeping the law in the mall
is just like any tough city
And especially because
they don't let us have guns,
It can be very dangerous.
All right, guys, just do it
like we rehearsed.
We need energy,
we need to be up!
Excuse me, just where
do you think you're going?
We're going to see
the mall manager.
Do you have
the proper clearance?
Uh-Oh, mall cops.
You have to make
an appointment first.
Now move along, sir.
But we practiced for days!
All we want to do is
show the guy what we can do,
So that maybe we'll have a chance
to perform in the plaza of the-
Ah, ah, oh!
Ah, ah, oh,
goddamn it!
Jesus christ, dude!
Oh, god,
i can't see!
Move along, sir,
or i'll do it again.
You see, you put your life
on the line every day.
Well, i guess we can't get in
to see the mall manager.
The hell we can't!
I'm not letting no washed-Up
mall cops ruin my divine quest.
Come on!
Hey!
What are you doing?
Nothing, just shopping.
Move along, sir.
You see, sometimes
you gotta just do that,
Keep shoppers
on their toes, try it.
Hey!
What are you doin'?
Nothing, why?
Move along, ma'am.
That's what being
a mall cop is all about.
Yeah, cool.
Attention mall shoppers,
The next 20 people to buy
an orange smoothie
Will also receive
a complimentary nissan sentra.
Hurry up.
Ah!
Jesus, they're gonna
start a riot!
All right, guys,
here we go.
Hello, sir!
What?
Hey, who are you?
We arefingerbang.
Oh, what?
How'd you get in here?
Hey!
We would like
to audition for you
For a gig in the central plaza
of your fine mall.
What? Oh, you want
to play at the mall?
Like tiffany?
Sort of like tiffany, yes,
can we audition?
Oh, well, i guess.
What?
All right,
let's do it, boys!
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang
you into my life?
? Girl, you like to fingerbang
and that's all right?
? Going to fingerbang bang
you every night?
? And girl you know, you girl,
you girl, you're the girl-?
? Girl, you're the girl
of my dreams?
Okay, that's enough!
? You're my fantasy, my fantasy
-? Thank you!
So, can we play here?
What?
No.
No?
Who? No.
Why not?
Well, uh, oh...
Right now there's a cheese
and sausage cart in the plaza,
And i would
- I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while.
What?
You don't think
we're any good, do you?
No, i mean,
Just not quite as good
as sausage and cheese.
Well, come on guys,
we gave it our best.
Wow, that was your best!
Wow, i feel so rejected.
Yeah.
There you are!
You're the hoodlums
who got on the intercom
And started an orange
smoothie riot! Uh-Oh.
I will now read you
your mall rights.
You have the right to shop
at a variety of malls-
Run for it!
Go get 'em, rookie!
Where is stan?
Oh, he's over at eric's house
practicing for his boy band.
What, i specifically
told him not to do that!
Now, randy, calm down, it's
just a silly little dream.
They're not gonna
actually make it.
And what if they
do make it, sharon?
What if they do make it? Are you
going to be the one to tell him?
Mom, what's up
dad's ass?
It's a long story, shelly.
Let's just say your father...
Has a lot up his ass
right now.
Oh, oh, hello, eric.
Problem, chef,
i have many problems.
Well, if you, uh, come back
in just a little bit, eric,
I'll see if i can
help you out.
I just don't know
what i'm going to do,
Sometimes i just wonder if god
is just toying with me.
All right, eric,
what's the matter?
Chef, god told me i was to start
a boy band and make $10,000,000.
The problem is,
it isn't working.
I mean i feel the music
burning inside me,
But i just can't
express it right, you know.
Well, eric, i think you're just
focusing in on the wrong thing.
Boy bands
aren't about music.
Boy bands are created
by corporations to make money,
They're all based
on "the garmlich effect".
What's
"the garmlich effect"?
The law of physics
that states
If one girl screams
for something,
It will make
other girls scream
And then it grows
exponentiously
Until all girls within a
five-Mile radius are screaming.
So how do
boy bands use that?
All they do
is make videos
Showing tons and tons of girls
screaming for the boy bands.
Once you get girls screaming,
you can't stop 'em.
They're crazy.
Except for lillith,
of course.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Now go away.
Okay!
And a cucumber in the pants
never hurt either.
Cucumber in the pants,
got it!
All right everybody, listen up, this
is how this first shot is gonna work.
The girls are standing here and
then the members of the band walk by
Lookingcool.
When you see us,
you girls all scream like,
"Oh, my god it's fingerbang,
oh, my god!", okay?
Are we going to get paid
now or after?
I'll pay you afterwards,
promise.
Okay, timmy,
roll camera! Timmy!
Dude, what's wrong
with your leg?
Huh, oh chef said to put a cucumber
down my pants for good luck.
Ah!
Yay! Woo-Hoo!
Wait, wait, cut!
Ha-Ha-Ha!
You have to go crazier
than that.
I mean, you have to act like
it's freakin' leonardo decaprio.
We wouldn't give a rat's ass if
leonardo decaprio came walking passed us.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Fine, who would
you go crazy for?
Matt lauer.
Matt lauer.
Okay, fine, pretend
that we're matt lauer.
Oh, okay!
Okay, roll camera.
Timmy!
Ah!
Jesus christ!
? Fingerbang bang you
every night?
And cut!
All right,
our video is complete.
With the grace of god, i can
now go back to that mall manager
And show him
what we've got!
Okay, so,
where's our money?
Ah, kyle has it.
Stanley, what the hell
are you doing?
We're making
a music video.
You get in the truck
right now!
Dad, i was just -
Get in the truck!
Dad, i did all my chores, why
can't i play with my friends?
Stanley, it's just that
there's better things
You can be doing on a saturday
than singing and dancing.
You could be watching tv
or laying in bed.
Dad, i like being in a boy
band, i think it's interesting.
Well, there's plenty of other
interesting things you can do.
Have you ever tried marijuana? No!
Well, maybe it's time.
Dad!
Hey!
What are you doing?
I've got a new strain
of anthrax
That i will see unleash upon
all of north america.
Move along, sir.
Huh?
Attention, shoppers,
There are naked people
at the orange smoothie machine,
There are naked people
at the orange-
Oh!
God damn it.
Hello again.
What?
Oh, it's you,
i don't like you.
I know you didn't
loveour audition,
But now we have
a video.
Oh, what?
If you would, sir,
just watch this
And prepare
to be wowed.
Timmy!
Goddamn it,
our camera guy kinda sucks,
But this next shot we did
was really cool.
Ah!
Timmy,
livin' a lie!
Son of a bitch!
Hey, this video's dumb.
You don't understand,
Girls were going
crazy for us, please,
This is what god
wants me to do, please!
All right, all right,
what?
Well, i guess i can move the sausage
and cheese cart off to one side
For a little while.
Really, you will?
Only for
20 minutes though.
That's all we need.
How about this afternoon
at three o'clock?
Oh, okay.
Yes, thank you, sir,
you will not be disappointed.
Oh, mrs. Cartman,
i've been very bad, okay.
You have been bad,
mr. Mackey,
So you're going to have
to drink from this glass.
Oh, yeah,
that makes me hot.
Oh, mom!
Wow!
What?
It's not fair, dad, why can't
i be in a boy band?
Because i said so!
Dad, cartman said we're going to
perform in the mall at three o'clock,
My friends are going to be
pissed off at me. Pissed off then.
I don't understand, just let me let
me go do this one thing and i won't-
No!
No!
Dad, what the hell
is going on?
I was...
I was 18 when my high school men's
choir performed at the grand opening
Of a sporting goods store
in denver.
? Everything will wait?
? We are the little rains...?
I was just one
of 15 members
And i had no idea that a record
producer was in the audience.
?... The colorado trail?
Kid, can i talk to you?
Sure.
You were really great
up there.
Too good for a pissant choir
in a pissant mountain town.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, i'm putting together
a rock group,
Avocalgroup called
"the ghetto avenue boys".
I think you would make
a perfect member.
What, me, you like
my singing that much?
Yeah, i think
your mustache is perfect.
How would you like
to come to new york
And start
a singing career?
Oh my god!
I don't know.
I mean, i still have
another year of high school.
Hey, look, if you don't
want it, i'll keep looking.
No, wait, i mean...
i'll think about it.
I take it that means yes,
call me in the morning.
And just like that,
i left everything.
I dropped out
of high school.
See ya!
I said good-Bye
to my girlfriend.
See ya!
And i left my family.
See ya!
And suddenly there i was,
Thrown into a group
with four other young men
Who i didn't even know.
Take 112.
? You've got it,
you know you've got it, girl?
? What you've got is it?
The songs were terrible,
But believe it or not
the country ate them up.
The next thing i knew,
We were the biggest thing
in the world.
? What you've got is it?
? Now, give it
to me 'cause...?
I had everything,
a huge house
And all the women
you can imagine.
And then one day,
just as quick as it started...
All right guys,
let's take it from the top.
Hey, mr. Allens.
Hey, oh...
Uh, randy.
Who are they?
These are
"the avenue ghetto street boys".
My new boy band.
But, we're still
selling records, right?
Look, kid,
You're just getting a
littleoldto be in a boy band.
I'm 19.
Get a life, marsh!
All right, guys,
let's take it from the top.
They said that after
all the money we had made
We were in debt
to the studio.
So they towed my car.
See ya!
The women all left.
See ya! See ya!
And they took back my house. See ya!
The only thing i could do
was come back to colorado
And face everyone that
i had abandoned.
Hey, weren't you the guy
in thatstupidboy band,
"The ghetto avenue boys"?
Sure, i remember you.
? You got it baby?
? You got it going on?
And so, you see,
stanley,
Idoknow what
i'm talking about.
Jesus christ,
i never knew.
I didn't want you to know,
because now i'm a joke.
Ever since then, i have
wishedevery single day
That i can go back to that
moment when i was offered the job
And sayno!
Because all the fame,
the money, the women,
All it did
was build me up,
So that i could be knocked down
harder than anybody in the world.
That's what being in a boy band
is all about, stan.
It's people smothering you
and embracing you and loving you
And then spitting you out
and throwing you away
Like you were
last night's pork chops.
Now, we wander the earth
in disarray,
Us, new kids on the block,
the osmonds,
We're all the same.
Andthatis why
you can't go to the mall.
Okay.
Wow, there must be at least
20 people out there.
Where the hell is stan?
He'll be here,
stan wouldn't douche.
I swear to god, if he ruins
this dream of mine,
I will have his nuts!
Hey, are you gonna
do that thing or what?
Yes, yes, sir, any second, we're
just waiting on one more member.
Well, hurry up, i can't keep the sausage
and cheese cart off this spot much longer.
Yeah, we'll start
right away.
We'll have to do it
without him.
Hell no, i'm not being part
of afourmember boy band!
We'll look stupid.
Yeah!
Oh, goddamn it!
Dad?
Huh, yeah?
I just wanted
to tell you
That i don't think
you're a joke.
I mean, whatever
you used to be,
You're just my dad
And you're the best dad
i've ever had.
Come here, stanley.
Stan, it was wrong of me
to try and stop you
From joining a boy band
without explaining why.
I made some mistakes
in my life
And now i have to let you
make your own mistakes. Yeah.
You know, in a way, i think i was
evenjealous of you being in a boy band.
Isn't that stupid?
Not really.
Not any more stupid than some
of the other stuff you've done.
Well, come on, i'll drive
you down to the mall.
Really?
What you guys can do.
And then we'll go buy you a small
toy, so you can forget all about this.
All right!
What's happening here?
I don't know,
i guess nothing.
Hmm, well then,
let's walk away then.
Goddamn it,
people are walking away!
All right, kids,
that does it.
You're gonna have to move and make
way for the sausage and cheese cart.
Just another minute.
Sorry, get out.
Well, god, i guess you
got me again, didn't you?
Yeah, that was
a good one, god.
Hope it made you laugh,
you sick bastard.
What's that?
It's stan!
Oh, thank you, god,
oh, praise his name!
Dude, where the hell
have you been?
Sir, we're all here now,
can we go on, please?
Who?
Well, okay, i guess,
but hurry up.
We will.
Ladies and gentlemen,
You are about to witness the next
great boy band of the country.
Some day you will all
be among those who can say
"I saw fingerbang when they first
performed at some crappy little mall."
And so without
further ado
All five members of the-
Oh, my god,
they killed kenny!
You bastards!
No, he can't be dead.
Dude, he's pretty dead.
No, we were so close!
All right, that's it,
kids, get out!
But, we have to perform.
We don't have
a fifth member,cartman.
Oh, yes, we do.
Thank you all for your patience
and get ready forfingerbang!
? Fingerbang?
? Bang bang?
? Fingerbang bang?
? Bang bang bang?
? I'm gonna fingerbang bang you
into my life?
? Girl, you like to fingerbang
and it's all right?
? Because i'm the king of
fingerbang let's not fight?
? I'll just fingerbang bang you
every night?
? I'll just fingerbang bang you
every night?
Yes, yes!
Thank you, yes!
We made $2.
You were great dad.
Yeah, i guess i still
got it in me a little.
Can i get
your autograph?
Okay, okay.
Hey, don't hassle
the talent, ma'am.
I actually don't really
know who they are,
I was just getting
an autograph -
Ah!
Move along, ma'am.
Thatwaspretty good, kids.
Maybe you can come perform
at my elk's club sometime.
Okay, yeah, maybe.
God, now it's like everybody
wants a piece of us.
Yeah.
I don't know if i can
handle all this fame.
I mean, i always thought
i'd want to be famous,
But now that i am
i don't know if i like it.
I mean i probably can't even walk through
this mall right now without people going
"Oh, my god, it's
thefingerbangguy, oh, my god."
Yeah, that's
gonna suck.
Yeah, i just want to be
a normal kid again,
Have a normal life and
appreciate what i have.
I think you boys are
very smart for your age.
Come on, i'll buy you all
an orange smoothie.
I don't think
they sell those anymore.
Hey, cartman, do you think god is going to
be mad at you for not making $10,000,000?
Oh, screw god, i'm not
scared of him, he's a pussy.
You know i'm just kidding,
right?
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
Captioned by
soundwriters?