South Park (1997–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - 4th Grade - full transcript

Today, we are going
to talk about hell!

Hello, satan!

Saddam.

Us jews don't
believe in hell.

But what if
we're wrong?

Let's go!

They killed kenny!

He had sins that
he didn't confess!

No, saddam, i told you,
i'm with chris now.

Boys, it is your
christian duty

To save the souls
of your friends.



I love you, satan.

I love you too, saddam.

Agh! Agh!

Fonz, there is no way you can jump
that shark with your waterskis!

Ay, i've gotta try,
richie!

Ooh!

Dude, if this guy's
going to hell?

Who's gonna save us?

Well, it looks like
we're gonna have to save

Everyone in this town
ourselves!

Go fonz!

Aaaayyyy-

And now the exciting conclusion
of "south park"!

Aayyyyy!



Aaghgh!

I told him
he couldn't do it.

I am saying this because
we must be saved-A!

The lord is powerful
and he will smote the sinners

And send them
to everlasting hell-A!

If you do not live
your life for him-A!

Then to the lake of fire
you shall go-A!

You see that, parents?

Your children have refused to come
in to class since this morning!

I'm afraid your son
is the leader, ms. Cartman.

Apparently he's read
the entire bible

And now he's scaring
the hell out of everyone.

Poopie-Kins!

It's time to stop preaching
damnation to everyone, sweetie.

Don't you guys, um...

Persercrute our
religious beliefs!

Yeah!
Yeah!

We're not trying to
persecute you, kids.

But you're supposed
to be in school!

What purpose
does school have?

The bible says
the only goal in this life

Is to praise god and
get into heaven!

Yeah, this life is short,
the afterlife is forever!

Don't listen to them, kids,
you have to go to school!

Many of you knew
kenny mckormick.

He was a playful, school-Going
eight-Year-Old.

And then yesterday...

He was smacked down
by the lord-A!

God bitch slapped him right
to the fiery depths of hell!

So when will you go?

Tomorrow, ten years?
Does it matter?

No!

Because unless you give
this life to the lord,

That life belongs
to satan!

Agh!
Agh!

But we cannot worship god
in that church

Where the priest
of sin resides!

So we will build
a new church!

With crystal walls,
a ceiling eighty-Feet high,

And a slide that connects this
part myha to this part mhya!

Who will help us!

I will!
I will!

Praise god-A!

If i go spend the night
with saddam,

Then it's over
between me and chris.

Chris has been
so nice to me.

And i know saddam will
just hurt me again.

Maybe i'll just
go talk to saddam.

I need closure, yeah,
that's it, i need closure.

What am i doing?

What took ya
so long, baby?

Saddam, i'm just
here to talk.

Great, let's talk!

Mmm, this bed
is comfy-Womfy!

Saddam, i only came here
because i need closure.

Sounds fun, you know me,
i'll try anything!

No, saddam,
listen to me-

Would you like a drink?

Maybe just a little one,
i have to go back soon.

I need you to understand that
we can't be together anymore.

I need you tonot
come by the condo,

Andnottry
to see me.

Chris thinks we can all
be friends, but i don't.

And i have to focus
on chris now.

What is this?

These hotels have all kinds
of crazy channels.

Saddam, will you
listen to me?

Chris is
a great person!

He is the one i want
to be with now!

Really, so then
what are you doing here?

I don't know about you,

But this video is
gettin' me pretty hot.

Saddam...

Here, have another drink.

Ugh, oh god,
my head!

I drank too much...
chris?

Oh no!

Man, look at that!

We went through fourteen
bottles of vegetable oil!

Ooh, i'm all greasy!

Oh god,
what time is it?

Last night was awesome!

Aren't we
together again now?

I don't know,
i guess so.

But now i have to go home
and tell chris.

Screw him!

No, saddam, i at least
owe him an explanation.

I just don't know
what i'm gonna say.

I know how to solve
this little problem.

We are now entering ensenada,

The second largest city
on the mexican baja peninsula.

We have now traveled over 2000
miles since leaving new york city!

We'll just be stopping here
for a few moments for gas

And then our tour will continue
on to its final destination!

Oiga, hay algo pegado
bajo el autobus!

Que? What's stuck to
the bottom of the bus?

Hmph!

Oh, goodness.

We must have run over a little
mexican further up north.

Is it okay?

Pienso que si.

Well, here's fifty
for the gas,adios!

Where am i?
Que?

Where am i?
Que?

It is beautiful.

Thine church is
almost completeth.

There's no way god would
want to send us to hell now!

Yeah this church
kicks a-

It, it kicks.

Hello, boys.

Don't try to take me
away again, mom and dad!

I told you, i renounced
the jewish faith!

It's not that, kyle.

It's just that eric's mother
needs to see you all right away.

Just really quick, she says
it's very important.

Very well,
yea, guys,

Let us walk to mine home
and see what mine mom wants.

I sure hope this works.

Hello, kiddies!

I made you all powdered-Donut
pancake surprise!

Wow, cool!

No, it is a trick!

Do not vex me,
oh temptress!

What?

This is a distraction
from our work on the church!

Do not think that you can
tempt us with toys...

And games...

And tidings of powdered-Donut
pancake surprise!

For it is the afterlife
we concern ourselves with!

Not the pleasures
on this earth!

But salvation
in the world after!

Yeah!

Oh, well,
alrighty then.

I don't think it worked.

Aw!
Aw!

Let us get back to
our work at the church.

Yea, i shall answer
the phone-Na.

Hello?

Mprh mprm rm
rmph rm rmph!

Oh my god!
What?

It's kenny, he's calling
from beyond the grave!

Kenny?
What's he say!

Ask him what
hell is like!

Kenny, you have to
tell us about hell!

Give us every last
horrible detail!

Um...

Oh god, chris is gonna be
so mad at me!

Well, here goes...

Hey, you.

Hi, chris.

You...
were out all night.

Yeah, i just...

Spent the night walking
around the marina.

Satan, you know you're
not a very good liar.

You went and saw saddam,
didn't you?

Yes.

Satan...
i understand.

What?

I still feel secure
and safe with you.

Oh, no!

What, what's wrong?
I said it's okay.

I know!

Well, what more
do you want from me?

Well, could you not be
such a pussy about it?

I mean,
can't you just say

"If you ever see saddam again
i'll break your legs"

Or "i'm gonna go kick
saddam's ass" or something?

Satan, i'm a 90s man.

I cry when i need to,
i share my feelings

And i keep my mind open
about everything.

Just give me some boundaries,
be jealous!

Go throw a football around,
for christ's sake!

Now you're starting
to hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry, chris.

It's not you,
really, it's me.

You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me

And for some reason,
i can't just accept that.

Die, pussy!
Aahghgh!

Chris!

Saddam what the hell
are you doing?

There, i got rid of
the problem for you!

Now there's no conflict!

No, not like this!

Friends, i have to tell you
that last night,

I received a phone call
from beyond the grave!

It was our departed friend,
kenny,

Calling from
the depths of hell!

And he described what hell
is like in horrid detail!

He said that in hell,
the smell is awful!

He said that in hell,
everyone speaks spanish!

Aagh!
Aagh!

He said there
is water in hell,

But if you drink it, you pee
blood out your ass for seven hours!

No!
No!

And perhaps worst of all,

In hell, there are dozens and
dozens of little trinket stores.

But they all have the same
little trinkets in them!

Aaghgh!
Aaghgh!

Where is our daughter!

Dad?

Marcy, you are coming home
this instant!

We are saving your daughter
from the clutches of hell, sir!

You're not going to make
my daughter part of your cult!

Your daughter could
die tomorrow and then what?

You're just a stupid little
fat kid who thinks that-

Stephen?

Stephen, no!

The lord has
spoken again!

Oh forgive us, lord,
for our sins!

Forgive us lord!
Forgive us lord!

Let us pray!

Heavenly father,
do not send us to hell.

We're sorry.

Whatever we did,
we're sorry.

Stephen?

Stephen!

Where- Where am i?

Where are we?
Oh my god!

What's happening?

Aaghgh!

Hello newcomers
and welcome.

Can everybody hear me?
Hello?

Can everybody- Okay.

I'm the hell director.

It looks like we have about
8,615 of you newbies today.

And for those of you
who were a little confused,

Uh, you are dead
and this is hell.

So abandon all hope and
yadda-Yadda-Yadda

Uh, we're now going to start the orientation process which will last about
-=

Hey, wait a minute,
i shouldn't be here!

I was a totally strict
and devout protestant!

I thought we went
to heaven!

Yes, well, i'm afraid
you were wrong.

I was a practicing
jehovah's witness.

You picked
the wrong religion, as well.

Well, who was right?
Who gets into heaven?

I'm afraid it was
themormons.

Yes, themormons
were the correct answer.

Aw!
Aw!

So now, i'd like to
quickly introduce

Your new ruler and master
for eternity, satan.

Rrrarrghghh!

Aaaahghgh!
Aaaahghgh!

Now you are all
part of my domain!

Every day hell grows larger
and my minions...

My minions...

I'm sorry, i just
can't do this today.

I'm just-
I'm sorry.

Uh, okay,
thank you satan.

Satan!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Chris, but i thought
you were dead!

Yeah, well, where was
i gonna go, detroit?

Chris i didn't mean for
saddam to stab you-

Hey, it's alright.

All that matters is
that i'm back

And we're together
forever, right?

Uh, yeah, great.

Aw!
Aw!

Let's see,
matthew 15:1-1.

"Not that which goeth
into the mouth defileth a man,

But that which come out
of the mouth defileth a man."

That's a good one,
clyde frog, interesting.

Look, eric, sister anne
has come to visit you.

Yea, it is nice
to see you, sister,

But i must prepare
for my next sermon.

Eric, you need to stop
what you're doing.

You need to tell all the kids
to go back to school

And back to their
normal lives.

Sister, have you read
this book?

Yes, eric, a lot more
than you have.

Then you know what it says happens
to those that don't follow the lord-A.

Eric, the lord doesn't just
send everybody to hell.

That wouldn't make sense.

He wants people
to live their lives.

Are you saying that what
the bible says isn't true?

No!

We've got jews
and perverts and bullies

And all kinds of sinners
in this town, sister anne-A.

And without the priest, we've
decided to save ourselves.

The only ones the kids
can trust now are me and jesus!

Ugh!

Wait a minute,
that's it!

And i am going to save
all of you right now!

I am going to
heal your sins!

Whoa.

Hello, satan!
Oh, crap, it's you.

Yeah, it's me.

I thought i killed you.

Yeah, well-

Where was i gonna go,
detroit?

Do you have a couple minutes
to go for a walk?

Yeah, just real quick,
around the park or something.

Is this some kind of trick?

No, i just want you to go
for a quick walk with me.

Please?

Well, alright, just let me
grab something real quick.

? Da da da da daa?

Okay, let's walk.

Saddam,

I get the feeling that
you don't like me very much.

Gee, whatever
gave you that idea?

When i stabbed you
in the head?

Look, satan is a very
important person to me.

And i know he's an important
person to you, too.

So don't you think it's best
for us to try and get along?

I realize that some things
about me bother you,

So i'd like to hear
what those things are,

So that i can
work on them.

You know why
i don't like you, chris?

Because you're
the kind of guy,

Who, if somebody
didn't like him,

He would take them for a walk
in the park and ask them why.

You're a pussy!

Aaaaaaghhhhhh!

Oh god!

Ha ha ha ha!

Nooo!
Aaghhgh!

Agahgh!

Ow!

Blagh!

Today this jewish boy and all
sinners are going to be saved-A!

Kyle, do you
believe in god-A?

Yes!

Do you want to be
saved from hell-A?

Yes!

That's good,
because right now

All the jewness is
coming out of your body,

Being replaced by
the spirit of god-A!

Bap!
Ow!

Praise god,
how do you feel now?

Do you feel the light of god
inside of you?

Uh, i think so.

Praise the lord!

Yay!
Yay!

? For he is lord?

? He is lord?

Bring up the next person!

This boy has been
crippled with sin.

But i hear god saying
that this boy will walk!

Hallelujah!

Timmy!

We are gonna save you

And you are gonna walk
with the lord-A!

Timmy!

Devil be gone-A!

Hagh!

Now walk, timmy!

Hagh!

Come on, timmy,
get out of that chair-A!

The lord wants you
to walk, timmy!

Walk, timmy!

Timmy!

He walks!

Wow!
Wow!

Wagh!

Yes, praise the lord!

Praise the lord!
Praise the lord!

And now it's like there's
one guy who's horrible to me,

But i'm totally
sexually attracted to,

And then one guy who's
really nice to me,

But i'm not sexually
attracted to at all!

Wow, that really sucks.

I've asked
everybody for advice,

But nobody seems
to know the answer.

Well, there's one person who i always
used to ask when i needed advice.

Who?

God.

God?
I can't do that.

I haven't spoken to god
in, like, 5,000 years.

Well then,
maybe it's time.

? Doot doot doo
doot doot doo?

? Doot doot doo?
? Doot doot doo?

? For he is lord
lord lord lord?

Where are you from,
little boy?

Denver.

And god is telling me
that you have...

Bad eyesight,
is that it?

Yeah, that's right!

Ooh!
Ooh!

Well god is going to
heal those eyes

And save you from
the devil be gone-A!

Hooray!
Hooray!

? For he is lord
lord lord lord?

Right here we have a little
girl who is very, very ugly.

Do you believe he's going to
cure your face of the uglies?

Yes!

He's gonna take
that ugly face

And make you reasonable
to look at - Bwap!

Wrrrrrrrr!

Oh good lord,
somebody say amen!

Amen!
Amen!

? Doot doot doo?

Hi, hi, welcome
to heaven, brother!

You followed the mormon faith
and so you've been let in!

Uh, actually,
i'm just stopping by.

Well, you picked
a great time!

We've got
cookies and punch

And were just about to
start playing charades!

Hooray!
Hooray!

And then brother stephen's
brought his guitar

So we can sing songs about
how much it hurts to lie!

Oooh!
Oooh!

Uh, look, i just need
to talk with god.

Is he around?

Sure, all you have to do is
say his name and he's there.

I'm so grateful for that.

Me too!
Me too!

Great, thanks.

Uh, hello, god?

It's uh...
satan.

Yea, look upon me
and know me.

Hi, god.

Hello, satan.

It's been
a long time.

Yeah.

What brings you here?

Do you wish to mount your
unholy war against heaven?

No, i have a problem and
i need your advice.

You want to rule
more than hell?

You want to destroy
the earth?

No, it's kind of
a long story but...

Well, it all started when this
iraqi dictator, saddam hussein,

Was killed by
a pack of wild boars.

I remember when i first
met him in hell,

It was a lovely morning
in april and...

? Oh praise the lord?

And now i am receiving
a message directly from god!

God is telling me...

That each and every one of you
is to walk up to this stage

And give me one dollar!

So, i want everyone to feel the
love of god by coming on up here

And putting a dollar
in the box-A!

Come on, don't be shy,
come on-A!

Dude, that seems
kind of weird.

Yeah, i don't remember him
saying anything aboutthis.

And now chris and saddam just keep
killing each other over and over

And i don't know
which one to pick!

Jesus, what the hell
happened to you?

Huh?

You got kicked outta here
for being a headstrong rebel.

And now you're
a whiny little bitch.

I just don't know
which one to pick!

No, you've become dependent
on relationships,

So you haven't even
consideredthe option

Of not being with
either of them!

If you're not sexually
attracted to someone,

You're not ever
going to be.

But saddam
isn't right either.

He's the other extreme.

You need to
spend time alone,

So that you can find
the balance the middle ground.

That's what i always do,
because i'm a buddhist.

God, you're right.

You know, i've had
steady relationships

For the last
thousand years.

When one ends,
i just start another one,

But i haven't taken the time
to be secure with myself.

Bingo.

Hey, thanks, god.

I forgot how clear
you make things sometimes.

It was nice
to see you again, satan.

You, too.

Good-Bye.

Would you like to stay
for some cookies and punch?

Yes, would you?

Uh, no, i need to be
getting back.

Oh alright then, but you're
gonna miss our big play!

Yes, we're going to do a play about
how alcohol can ruin family life.

Well, sounds great,
but i really gotta go.

Well, he seemed
like a nice fellow.

Yes!

Let's make things
out of egg cartons!

Ooh let's!
Good idea!

? Doot doot doo
doot doot doo?

Yeeess, yeeesss!

It worked, you guys,
it actually worked!

What worked?

Everybody bought
the whole act!

They'll keep giving and giving
until we have it all!

What?
What?

You're keeping
that money yourself?

Of course, you guys,
and then we can make...

Ten million dollars!

Look, the "tooth fairy"
thing didn't work,

The "boy band" thing didn't
last, so i tried this route.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

You mean that this whole thing
has just been a way for you

To make
ten million dollars?

It all came to me
days ago,

When we were first
in sunday school.

But what about going
to hell and all that?

Dude, if god is all-Understanding.
He wouldn't send us to hell.

Even sister anne
told me that!

Then why didn't
you tell us?

My brain is of a much
larger size than you guys'.

I couldn't expect you
to understand.

Not until you actuallysaw
the cash flow.

The only thing of yours that's
larger in size is your big fat ass!

Suck my balls.

Dude, i amso
disillusioned right now.

Die, pussy!

Ow!

Aagh!

Wagahgh!

Aahh!

Guys, guys, guys!

Look, you both can
stop fighting now.

I've made a decision.

You have?

Yes, i...

Don't want to be with
either one of you.

What?
What?

Saddam,
you're an asshole

And you'll never be
the friend that i want.

And chris, well,
you're a pussy

And you'll never be
the lover i want.

So i'm just gonna be alone for
a while and learn to like myself.

Satan, can we go
for a walk in the park?

No, i'm not going
on a walk.

You're a pussy, chris and
you drive me crazy, go away.

Fine.

You can't leave me, satan,
i won't let you!

Today is another day

And that's another dollar
the lord needs from you-A!

So come on up and
give to the lord-A!

Alright, kids,
it's time to go!

It's time for
this to stop.

Sister anne is
a blasphemaaa!

I know you won't
listen to me.

That's why i brought
somebody else.

Oohh! Wow!

Jesus!

Uh-Oh.

Kids, you all need to stop
spending all your time here

And go back to school.

Jesus, ex-Nay
on the ool-Skay.

God doesn't want you to spend
all your time being afraid of hell

Or praising his name.

God wants you to spend
your time helping others

And living a good,
happy life.

That's how
you live for him.

Yes, by doing that...

And putting a dollar
in the box-A!

Let's go ice skating!

Yay!
Yay!

We can help timmy learn
how to ice skate, too.

Yeah!

No, come back!

You face
everlasting damnation!

Wait!

No, no, i can't be cheated out
of my ten million dollars again!

God dammit!

Serves you right,
cartman!

Yeah!

But, eric, i think this time
i have to teach you a lesson.

I'm sending you somewhere
to think about your sins!

You're gonna
send me to hell?

No, worse!

Eric, eric!

Oh crap!

? Da da da daa?

Hi, bob!
Hi, rick!

Hi, satan.

There you are!

Ugh, not again.

You know you can't
live without me!

Now get that ass
back to bed!

Saddam, i told you,
i don't need you anymore.

You can't leave me, satan.

Nobody leaves me!

Yes, i can!

Agahgh!

You little prick!

Goodbye forever, saddam!

What are you
talking about?

You can kill me,
but i'll be back tomorrow!

Not this time!

I asked a favor of an old
friend of mine to let you in.

Let me in where?

What the- What the hell
is this place?

Hello and welcome!

We're glad you
made it, brother!

Who the hell are you?

We're just about
to do a play

About how much stealing
hurts you deep inside.

Come join us!
Let's go!

You're here forever!

No!

Noooooooooooo!

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