South Park (1997–…): Season 16, Episode 13 - A Scause for Applause - full transcript

♪ I'm going down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere,
humble folks without temptation. ♪

♪ going down to South Park
gonna leave my woes behind. ♪

♪ Ample Parking day or night,
people shouting howdy neighbor! ♪

♪ Headin' up to South Park
gonna see if I can't unwind. ♪

[Kenny muffled]

♪ So come on down to South Park
and meet some friends o' mine! ♪

Next please!

You are sure you
want to do this?

Of course I'm sure!

Okay, roll up your sleeve.



I can't believe
we all got duped.

I been wearing this
stupid thing for months.

I feel like such a tool.

Lying jerk!

Hold still, please.

I don't know what to
believe in anymore.

Alright, let's do this.

Make me believe in something
that's bullshit will you?!

Uh, hold on.

Uh, let's see.

That one.

Stupid fraud!

Good riddance to you!!!

Alright, I'm next!



I'm next!

Get this thing off a me!

Did you do it?

Yup, it's done.

You know I spent five bucks
on that stupid thing?!

I told you it was a bad idea.

Oh don't even start, Kenny.

Just because you guys didn't buy
into bracelets, doesn't mean.

You're smarter than me.

Okay.

What's wrong with him?

Oh, I feel like such an idiot.

It's alright, dad.

But I wore that wristband everywhere
and the guy is a complete phony!

There's even more coming
out about it today!

These latest tests are once
again confirming that the

performance enhancing drug HGH
was in the body of Christ at the

time of crucifixion.

All over the country people are
having their 'what would Jesus

do' wristbands cut off.

It was just a last week a team
of scientists found traces of

HGH on the shroud of turin.
Along with several other illegal

compounds and pain killers.

Without a doubt, there was HGH
in the body of Christ at the

time of crucifixion.

Jesus did not suffer for our sins,
he was, in fact, very high.

All the years of being
told something.

It's just so unfair.

Priests and bishops have been
working overtime to remove Jesus

from the record books and
from the last supper.

I know people that paid ten
bucks for those bracelets.

I bet they all feel
pretty stupid now.

Yeah, and so... and so then I
asked preacher, wha.. what about

the new testament?

Uh-huh.

And he says, well, you still
should oughta read it, but you're

gonna need to put an asterisk next
to Jesus' name whenever it comes up.

So weak, dude.

Dark times, bra, dark times.

Dude, what the hell?

You're wearing a what
would Jesus do bracelet!

Alright, alright, I got
it a few weeks ago.

Big whoop.

The big whoop isn't that you
have one, the big whoop is that

you're still wearing it!

Yeah, Stan, didn't you hear Jesus
did all his miracles on drugs.

Yeah, I know.

What, don't you care?

Jesus asterisk Christ, Stan, people are
really feeling cheated by all this!

Hugghgh.

Where do I go?

What do I do?

Cartman's right.

If you care about fairness, Stan then
you really have to lose the bracelet.

Look, I just don't
want to you guys.

Honestly, it's not
that big a deal.

It's the Charlie Rose Show.

Here's Chuck.

We are here tonight with the
only person in America who still

wears his 'what would Jesus do'

wristband.

Please welcome Stan Marsh.

Dick!

Stan after everything that's
come out, after all the facts

have been proven, why do you
still wear the wristband?

I dunno, I just like it.

You just like it.

Yeah, I don't know.

I've had it a long time.

I just don't feel
like cutting it off.

Well, joining us now is just one
of billions of people who think

that anyone who still wears their what
would Jesus do wristband is doing all of

society a disservice.

Chris Martin you say that
Stan Marsh is - a dick?

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Charlie.

My problem with this kid is he
doesn't care about the truth.

Okay, if Jesus rose from the
dead with the help of drugs.

That's fine, but he went on to
say it was a miracle, and that

is where it became dangerous.

What about the Incas?

What about the Aztecs?

Millions of people who were
murdered in Jesus' name, and

then Jesus turns
out to be a fraud.

Wearing that bracelet is a
slap in the face to everyone.

What do you say
about that, Stan?

I don't know.

I like it.

Alright.

Well, we searched high and low
to find my next guest, who

actually agrees with Stan Marsh and
thinks he's doing the right thing.

Please welcome a retarded fish.

Darrrrrrrr!!!!

Now, retarded fish you don't see
any problem at all with someone

keeping their bracelet?

Blarp blarp blarp blarp!

Blarp blarp blarp!

That's because... that's because
you're a retarded fish and you

don't know any better!

What about the crusades.

The inquisitions?

How many people were tortured and put
to death for somebody who was a fake?

Barp.

What about the crusades, Stan?

Does that enter into
your decision at all?

No, I just... I don't know.

No.

Anything to add, retarded fish?

No.

No, I'm good.

Thank you.

Stan!

Hey Stan, can I talk to you?

Listen Stan, I just wanna tell you...
You've really been an inspiration, mkay.

I have?

Yeah, you know, I can't believe
in Jesus any more because he's a

damn fraud so what I'm gonna
believe in, is just being me and

being independent like you.

So what I did is I got this
brown bracelet to remind me of

standing my ground, mkay.

And just believing in
the cause of being me.

You're wearing a
bracelet to think of me?

Oh I'm not the only one.

There's lots of people doing it!

Hey Butters - stanground!

Stanground, mister Makey!

Anyway, thanks Stan.

You just keep on, keep
on standing your ground, mkay.

You're wearing a brown
bracelet now, Butters?

Well yeah!

It helps remind me that I
shouldn't back down anymore when

I feel pressured
from other people!

I just got really moved after I
saw what you did for all those

farmers in Belarus.

Farmers in where?

Smachnya yeschi, dolga!

Ja ciabe kakhajuk!

Nyama za shto!

Majo sudna na pavetranai
padussty powna vuhrami!!!!

Yahghghghgh!!!!!!

Dude, where are people getting
all the brown wristbands?

I don't know.

I got mine down at 7-11.

See?

Right here.

Hello.

You interested in a stanground
brace... oh wow, it's you!!!

Stanground, bro!

Wow, this is happening so fast.

Hello, Stan.

Steve Nelson with
endorsement management.

Are you ready for
your Nike commercial?

Yes.

My friends told me I was crazy.

That I was wasting my time.

But my cause is to
stand my ground.

When others sat, I
kept my bracelet on.

Because I stand... for standing.

Would you like to be seated?

No, thanks, I'll stand.

Hey, you wanna sit down?

I'm good.

Sir, the captain has asked
everyone to take their seats...

Tell the captain to take off.

People ask me... you never
took the bracelet off?

Not once?

No.

Never.

Not ever.

What do I do?

I stanground.

Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff
Conway he was on a one way

street to nowhere what tactics did he
use to try and convince...

Mr. Marsh, if you don't mind, we'd
like to see your bracelet.

For what?

If you have nothing to hide,
then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh.

What are you people
talking about?

Are we good? We live?

Tom, I'm here at South Park
elementary where officials have

barged their way in, after
reports that Stan Marsh of the

Stanground foundation did in fact at
one point remove his yellow bracelet.

Rumors have surfaced that Stan
did not stand his ground as

previously stated and that the wristband
is in fact, super glued back together.

Please let us check your
wristband for super glue.

No!

This is stupid!

He's the one person who
doesn't do stuff like that!

Why don't you leave him alone?!

Are you afraid we will find glue
on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?

No!

I never cut it off.

Then, let us see it.

This is an outrage who out there is
saying that our friend Stan is a liar?!

I cannot say, but he is a
reliable and credible source who

is of the utmost prestige.

Who?!

Alright.

It was Craig.

Craig?!

You asshole.

What's the big idea, Craig?!

It just looked like you
cut it off, that's all.

You got nothing better to do
than try and knock me down?!

You can't just say anything
you want about people!

Ooh, look at him go
standin' his ground!

You know what happens
when you lie, Craig?!

You hold that lie
inside... go Stan!

And it grows and it grows right in your
balls until they have to cut it out!

Little unnecessary,
but go, Stan!

Go ahead and test it!!!

Then let's just see what happens to this
money hungry, alcoholic prostitute!

This is Breaking News.

The tests are done and
the results are in.

The little boy who claimed he
never cut off his what would

Jesus do bracelet did cut
it off and lied about it.

Not only did we find traces of superglue
but of yellow magic marker as well.

This is a dark day for honest
French Swedish people everywhere.

Though the tests seemed conclusive, Stan
Marsh continues to deny any cheating.

Yeah.

Hey, dude, people are kind
of pissed off at you.

Thanks, Kyle.

You probably should come
clean and tell the truth.

Did you superglue your bracelet?

Why does it matter?

Because you kind
of made it matter.

You know, I'm just... I'm just
through with this whole thing.

I just... I can't put my
family through any more of this.

So you did superglue it.

Ugh, you know what's really sad is
that this is what matters to people!

What nobody seems to remember
are the farmers in Belarus!

Stanground is bigger than me.

You want to tell all those farmers
in Belarus it's all bullcrap?

Dude, the sooner you eat your
peas the sooner you can try to

win some of your friends back.

You need to Bill Clinton this.

You really think I went through
all that trouble, lying about my

wristband and claiming to be something
I wasn't... for what, Kyle?

For what?!

This is a witch hunt, dude.

It's all that stupid French
scientist - he's the fraud!

And I'm gonna prove it!

Would you mind getting
me some water, darling?

Can't you see I'm trying
to do my a calisthenics?

But my throat is parched, dear,
and I'm so scared of burglars.

Is a tap water going to be okay
or do you want me to go down to

a crystal geyser and bring her
highness some right from the spring.

Tap is fine, dear.

What was that?

I could have sworn I
saw something outside.

It's your imagination.

Darling, could you change the
channel for me, the remote is dead.

You just want to me to change
the channel or should I go and

make a TV program
written just a for you.

No, just change to channel ten.

Thanks.

It's starting to feel like a the
Carol Burnett show in here.

What was that?

I think somebody's here!

Maybe it's the pee pee fairy so
somebody can a pee pee for you too.

Please I'm terrified.

Please go check it out.

Jesus!

Shhhh!!!

What are you doing here?

My child, the man who lives here has
led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy.

I am simply here to search for something
I can use to discredit him too.

That's what I'm doing.

Oh, it's a tweedledum and a tweedledee
trying to break into my a house.

Jesus, everyone is claiming you
were using drugs to resurrect.

Why didn't you say anything?

Sometimes it is best to
say nothing, my son.

Yeah, I've been kind
of seeing that.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude,
but do you want to please leave.

Or should I make you some a
kofelbread and sausages??

It all just happened so fast.

The next thing I new I
had a Nike commercial.

Yeah, I know how it goes.

Everyone hates me now
and it isn't fair.

I know.

I just feel like if people could
see me in action again, they'd

realize I'm not a fraud.

Here you go, kofelbread
and a sausages for you.

Thanks a lot.

Jesus, did you take HGH
to do your miracles?

No!

Pffftt.

That's just... no.

Okay.

No.

Everyone just lost their faith.

Did you cut your
wristband off, my son?

No!

Pfffft.

No, that's... no.

Okay.

No.

And anyway it's not
even the issue.

Pfft, no, I know right?

Pfffft.

It's like, that's here and... yeah, we're
like... here it's pffft... pfffft.

There's... there's farmers in
Belarus who are in a life and

death struggle that's
what should be important.

Yeah!

Instead of focusing on us we need to
get everyone focusing on what matters!

Where's Belarus?

Exactly!

People don't even
know where it is!

Maybe if we could get
people to care about it,

then I could go and save it and
people would be stoked on me again.

How can we raise awareness?!

We need to get some bracelets.

Welcome, welcome to the P.F.

Pityef bracelet factory!

How can I be of service?

Well, we wanted to start a new
movement, and we thought since

your company seems to
make all the bracelets.

Ah, I see you're wearing one
of our brown scauses already!

Delightful!

What color would you like
your new scause to be?

Our scause?

Well, of course!

You came for a scause
to wear on your paws.

And you want others to
wear yours upon thars!

I'm confused.

Hmm, perhaps I should
start from the beginning.

In the modern age there are
those who believe, that a cause

is a thing to be worn
on one's sleeve.

And so, we sell a cause,
it's called a scause.

And wearing a scause gets
you lots of applause.

We start some plastic, which is
sherped by our sherpas, then dip

it in colors that show
off your purpose.

There are green scauses for
recycling blue scauses for

kitties and pink scauses that
focus on nothing but titties.

Do you hate abortion?

Ah!

Then a white scause is for you!

Why not champion your scause
with some sparkles and glue!

We make scauses for this!

We make scauses for that!

Why, there's even a scauses
for just being fat!

What's the matter?

Can't think of a scauses?

How about raising awareness
for the hairs in your schnoz?

Let's just think of the thing
that you care about most!

Then let's make it orange,
like marmalade toast!

And now I'd like to say thank
you-for your coming down.

I'm off to go sell these
in your little town!

Dude, the hell just happened?

Kids.

Kids, mkay, I need to talk
to you a serious matter.

You've probably all noticed
my orange wristband, mkay.

It's to show my solidarity with
the people of Belarus.

Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian
government is right now trying to...

We know, Mr. Mackey.

We all have our Belarus
bracelets too.

Oh, you do.

You got those, mkay.

Mkay, that's good.

Good you're doing
something about it, mkay.

Hey kids!

Hey kids, over here!

Dude, what's this about
orange bracelets?

Where do you get them?

There's a guy selling them
downtown, but they're not made

from recycled plastic.

Dude, I don't give a crap
about using recycled plastic.

Yes, you do.

Oh, I guess I do care
about that, huh.

Hey, Stan, well, some people are
saying that you knew what you

were doing all along.

That you cut off your wristband
on purpose to shed light on the

Belarusian farmers.

People are saying that?

Yeah.

Is it true?

Well, you know whatever
it takes, Butters.

People are aware of the problems
in Belarus, maybe I did it all

on purpose or maybe it
was just a coincidence.

Yeah, whatever, Stan.

I thought you were a butthole
but now I think you're a cute

sneaky little butthole.

We did it.

It has become the biggest
concern for most people.

The farmers of Belarus in their
plight against their government.

And now one person is taking it
upon himself to end the crises.

His name?

Jesus.

These are very troubling times
and these farmers are literally

fighting for their lives.

You know, I'm uh... I'm
here to do whatever I can.

Jesus, some people might be
thinking you're doing this as

some kind of publicity stunt to put
to rest the rumors of your drug use.

You know, I don't even have
time to think about that.

This is a crisis that needs my attention
and I'm just here to do what I can.

I've talked to the government
here and I've talked to the

farmers and I think we have
everything just about worked out.

Aghghgghgh!

You know, whatever stupid rumors
people want to believe about me,

it doesn't change the fact that the
people of Balarus need my help.

I believe it's Belarus, Jesus.

Yes.

It very well may be if we
don't do something now.

Um, so you think you've done
something here to keep the

conflict from escalating,
is that right?

I'm just doing what
I've always done.

People wanna know what I'm on.

What am I on?

I'm on a farm in
Balarus, busting my ass.

What are you on?

Uh huh.

And now that the Belarusian farmers
are all dead what will you try next?

What?

Aw shit!

One at a time please!

One at a time!

Look, I want to return this
orange bracelet, mkay.

It's worthless now!

Not a problem.

You can return your scause and for just
five dollars I'll give you two more!

Okay.

I need a Violet one for domestic
violence, a lime one for herpes

and a jade green for
how much I hate Kyle.

Absolutely!

Five dollars, please!

Heidi Turner says you asked her
to borrow super glue last week.

Are you still on that, dude?

Have you ever heard of
ends justifying means?

Oh, my, it's the sound!

What sound?

Of all sounds in all soundom,
this one's most profound!

That's the sound that means
I must pack up my tent!

It's the sound of the very
last cent being spent!

My work here is done and
just look at you now!

You're all covered in scauses,
from your hoof to your brow!

Enjoy all your scauses!

You look great in your cause!

Be sure to give each
other lots of applause!

I'm off to the next town
in my little truck!

Have a nice day!

Toodle loo!

Fuck!

Dude. Weak.

It's almost like. Like that guy
had this figured out all along.

Yeah.

We were trying to do good.

But we got everyone duped
by a bracelet company.

Yeah, well, I guess we're just
gonna have to accept that people

aren't going to think
very highly of us.

Well, we can't just let that guy get
away with taking everyone's money.

What can we possibly do?

What would Jesus do?

Ahghgh!!!

Grahghgghghgh!!!!!

Rarahghh.

Rhahghgghgh!!!!!

Yeah!!!!

Raghgh!

Rahghghgghgh!!!!

Vengeance is mine!!!!!

Ahrhgghgh!!!!

Rahghgghghgh!!!!!

No, please!!!

Please show mercy!

Arhrhghgh!

Thank you, my children.

We've all been through a lot.

We got caught up in scauses.

That didn't mean squat.

They turned my message away from
the teachings it hid and made it

about me and things that I did.

Which of course I didn't do.

And even if I did use
performance enhancing drugs so

did all the other prophets.

But I didn't.

So what have we learned, from
this great wristband theft?

Maybe, that when stripped of our
scauses, only causes are left.

And causes shouldn't be worn
on our wrists with a sneer.

Let's keep our causes where they
belong, which is right here.

On t-shirts!

Free pussy riot!

Free pussy riot!

Yeah!