South Park (1997–…): Season 13, Episode 10 - W.T.F. - full transcript

"W.T.F."

Say that again, Edge.
You think you're better than me?

Cena, your mouth has gotten you
into trouble for the last time.

I'm gonna shut it up for you!

- Mess him up, Edge!
- Kick his ass!

I've got something else
to tell you, Edge!

I slept with Vanessa last night!

Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend!

- Oh my God, dude. This is so awesome!
- I am having the best time!

You cheated
and took my belt from me.

And now
I can't hardly get work wrestling!



You took my girl
and you took my job!

He took his job!

He took his job!

Sweet!

- Dude, awesome!
- This is so awesome!

- Dude, that was so badass!
- Wrestling is awesome!

This is it, you guys.
We know what are calling in life is now.

Tomorrow we are signing up
for wrestling class!

- All right!
- Sweet!

The fuck is this?

Why did they have us
put on long underwear?

Well, I guess in wrestling we're supposed
to make your own outfit

and then wear it over this.

Yeah, that makes sense.



All right. So did everyone settle
on their wrestling names?

I did.
I'm the Rad Russian.

I come from Russia
to crush your puny capitalist head!

All right, boys!

I'm really glad to see
we have some new recruits

interested
in the fine sport of wrestling.

- Cool!
- Let's do this!

Now, the first things
we're gonna learn today

are the fundamental wrestling holds.

Let's get some volunteers.

Why don't you come over here, young man.
What's your name?

- The Rad Russian.
- What?

You capitalist swine!
I crush you!

Just go ahead and
get on your hands and knees.

Just down on the floor.

Hands and knees.

All right. And now how about you?
Your name is?

Triceratops!

All right.
Come on over here.

I'm gonna position you into the official
wrestling starting position.

Here we go...

The fuck is this?

Now just reach around him, here.

- Good.
- Dude! Dude!

The fuck are you doing?

Get back on the floor.

I'm teaching you the starting
position of wrestling!

That's not wrestling, dude.
That's fucking gay!

Yeah. What are you, a child molester?

Where's all the cool costumes
and jumping off ropes and stuff?

Not this again!

Let me guess, you just went to that stupid
WWE show in Denver last night!

The WWE is not wrestling!

That's a bunch of fake bullcrap!
How stupid are you?

Real wrestling, boys, is this.

Well, this is fucking lame, dude.

Let's get the hell
out of here, guys.

Yeah, this guy probably wants
to take pictures of us naked.

I got half a mind to report...
Report you to the police, sir!

The Wrestling Takedown Federation
has several matches planned today.

All right.
So here's how we'll do this, guys.

I'll come out to the ring first

and then Jimmy you come in and
tell me you're gonna kick my ass.

Then I'm gonna say
you slept with my girlfriend,

and I'll charge you and do a headslap.

- Sounds good.
- Then Butters you come in as the ref

all like, "No, no,
the fight hasn't started yet!"

And that's when Jimmy
sneaks up from behind

and hits me over the head
with the foldaway chair.

Okie-doke!

So is that when I tell you
your girlfriend is a whore?

Let's save the girlfriend
is a whore line

until after Stan headbutts Butters
for trying to stop the fight again.

- Boy, wrestling sure is fun!
- All right. We ready to try this, guys?

All right.
Let's start wrestling.

- I'm gonna kick your ass!
- You slept with my girl friend, Hammerclaw!

No, the fight hasn't started yet.
No! Bad!

He slept with my girlfriend, referee!

In my country
we don't wait for a bell, mister...

Your girlfriend is a whore.

- Wait for it, wait for the whore line.
- Oh, right. Sorry.

You're gonna get it now,
Hammerclaw!

- We'll see about that!
- Now hold on!

I am stopping the fight!

What's going on?

Apparently that crippled kid

slept with
that Russian kid's girlfriend.

Geez.
They're so young!

I'll kill you, Triceratops.
You made fun of my crippled mother!

That's because your mother
betrayed my mother, Juggernaut!

You don't come to this country
and make fun of it!

And just what do you care
about your pitiful country?

I served my country.
I fought for two years in Vietnam!

That kid was in Nam?
Man, that's incredible.

Good for you
for serving your country!

Guys, check this out!

There's this little kid from the Congo
who was raised by panthers!

Are you serious?

Just admit it, Congo.
Admit that you lied about me to Irene!

I admit nothing.
Maybe Irene lied to you!

That kid in the hat
is having sex with two different girls?

No, that little kid from the Congo

lied about one of them
to try and get the kid

in the hat in trouble
with his wife.

They're married?

You will have to forfeit the fight,
Rad Russian!

You can't fight
until your test results come back!

I might have to wait
for my hepatitis test,

but in the meantime,

I have brought my comrade
from Mexico to wrestle against you!

That Russian kid's got hepatitis?

Here he comes now!

The cold blooded wrestler
from Mexico.

El Pollo Loco!

What are you doing here,
El Pollo Loco?

Your girlfriend doesn't even like you,
Stan the Man.

She likes me!

You have no idea
what you're saying, Juggernaut!

Irene loves me
and I'm gonna marry her!

If she wants to be with you,

how about you have her
tell all these people here?

Here some comes now.
It's Bad Irene!

Let me tell you something.

It's true I love Stan the Man
with all my heart.

- But I want to be with Juggernaut now.
- What?

No way!

What are you doing?
Stan the Man loves you!

Don't break his heart!

If you love Juggernaut, Irene,

then tell what you did two years ago.
How you killed his child!

It's true. I was pregnant
with your child and I aborted it.

Irene, no!
Why?

Do you know what it's like
to have an abortion at seven years old?

Do you?

I've had so many abortions.
I just got addicted to them.

Did you hear that?

Irene, you said you loved me!

I'm not in love with you.

I'm in love with abortions,
don't you understand?

I'm telling you guys,
you got to see this.

These kids ain't more
than eight or nine years old

and they got more problems
than you can imagine.

There's this one kid,
he saw his father get murdered.

And yesterday he finds the killer

and it's this other kid
who's an ex-cop.

Needless to say,
he whooped his ass good.

And there's this little girl.

She's actually addicted
to getting abortions.

Got pregnant
by nearly every boy there.

You're shitting me.

No, we're telling you
these kids are fucking crazy.

You gotta check it out.

You can watch them
almost every afternoon.

It's some of the greatest wrestling
we ever seen.

It isn't real!

Don't you people understand?
That stuff isn't real.

None of it!
How stupid are you?

What do you mean it ain't real?

It's all made up.
Fiction.

Real wrestling is a serious
and respectable sport.

Why can't you people understand
that kind of wrestling isn't real?

Mister,

there's a little girl out there
who's had fourteen abortions

and she ain't even ten yet.

But I guess
that's just not real to you.

Son of a bitch.

Look, look, look!
This is wrestling!

Mister, you better take your gay porn
and walk right outta this bar.

Holy crap, dude.
There's a huge turnout tonight!

Good thing we made
those changes to the seating.

All right.
You guys, let's bring it in.

I think we've really done a great job.
And let's just keep the energy up,

have a good flow
and have fun out there, okay?

Let's do this!
One, two...

Backyard wrestling!

What a perfect night for fighting!

Low, the moon sets
upon the tips of the trees and I,

the man known as the Rad Russian,

start to stir
with the excitement of violence.

Only a country like yours can breed
men of such discontent, Rad Russian!

But you don't know what real pain is.
Pain, like I've known.

Abandoned when I was
four years old by my parents.

Left to die in a cold
and dark sewage tunnel.

Geez, I didn't know
his parents did that.

I'm very sorry,
but I'm afraid we have to terminate

your employment here
at South Park Elementary.

You're firing me?
Why?

The school board has decided
to discontinue the wrestling program.

Wrestling simply involves
too much adult subject matter.

Like murder and abortion.

No!
This isn't wrestling!

This isn't wrestling!

Principal Victoria, just let
me stay on and I can teach kids

what real wrestling is!

I'm sorry. The board
has made up their minds.

You can't fire me
for what these kids do!

That isn't the only reason
you're being let go.

What do you mean?

We found all the gay porn
on your iPhone, Mr. Conners.

So I'm thinking we do the part
about Jimmy's relationship

with his alcoholic father
after you smash Butters onto the table.

- Sure, that works.
- You guys!

Listen to this.
It's amazing!

- What, dude?
- We just received a letter from the WWE.

From the professional wrestlers
we saw in Denver?

No way!

"Gentlemen, we have heard
of your wrestling organization

"and are quite interested
in its popularity.

"The WWE is delighted to inform you

"that it will be sending a talent scout,
president Vince McMahon,

"to view your wrestling event
this Saturday, the 24th."

Vince McMahon is coming to see us?

This is our shot
at making it into the WWE,

to be real wrestlers!

- My God!
- My God!

Guys, listen!

We seriously have to focus here.

We've exactly three days before
the scout is here to see us wrestle.

We've got to step it up
and work it like never before!

Alright, it's time to
start the second act.

Let's bring the crowd back
from intermission

and then improvise
some stuff for Saturday!

No, I think Congo
is a great wrestler.

I just think Rad Russian
has his number.

But Rad Russian
has a lot of abandonment issues.

Looks like intermission is over.
We better head back.

I left my wife today.

Walked out of the apartment
without saying a word.

I ran away from my responsibilities,

just I like always do.

And I, again,

am alone.

Here he is.
Hiding in the forest as I told you!

Juggernaut, there's to be
an ultimate Smackdown this Saturday.

Are you going
to run from that as well?

I'll fight anytime, anywhere!

He don't run from fights,
just from responsibilities.

What do I do?
Juggernaut is my long lost brother,

and yet Congo saved my life in Nam!

It's El Pollo Loco!

Thanks for coming, guys.

I'm sure you're wondering
why I've called you to Sizzler.

Yeah, what's this about?

We should be writing our
monologues for Smackdown.

Well guys, Kenny and I
have been talking.

Yeah, we've been talking.

And I mean, Smackdown
might be our one shot

at making it
into the WWE, right?

And a shot like this
might never come again.

The way we see it,
we have three primary obstacles

in making Smackdown
a great show.

Token, Butters, Jimmy.

What are you talking about?

Guys, let's face it.
They can't wrestle for crap.

Every time,
I wrestle with one of them,

they flub a line or
blow their monologue.

And Token,
he has no emotion, no timing.

He's the worst wrestler
I've ever seen.

- He's right.
- What?

Dude, it's really hard
to do your best wrestling

when you're up
against Token.

- Right?
- Butters and Jimmy,

They're okay, but they're
never gonna make it

as professional wrestlers.

Well so then WWE will recruit us
and not them.

No dude,
they're gonna hurt our chances!

They're gonna hurt
our chances!

Because we all know
that the new material

I've written is stuff
those guys can't handle,

and we'll suffer from it.

So what do we do?

We gonna bring somebody.

We gotta bring somebody else on
who can handle the more difficult roles

that we wrestle against
instead of those guys.

Somebody who can do
the harder stuff

we've written so that
Token, Butters and Jimmy

- can have smaller parts.
- How do we find

somebody who can
wrestle that well?

It's simple.
We just gotta hold tryouts.

Number 17, step forward please.

You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant.
You suspect he could be a terrorist

and your parents died
in the 9/11 attacks. Go.

You dirty, Muslim bastard!

I don't trust you.
And I never will!

Do you know how it feels
to lose your parents?

No, you wouldn't, you smelly brown
Middle Eastern piece of...

Thank you.
Number 24.

You're wrestling for the right
to marry Mackenzie Phillips

but just learned that she had sex
with her father. Go.

Your father?

Your own father?

I don't care if you were on drugs,
you sick whore!

Thank you.

- That guy's a pretty good wrestler.
- Yeah, not bad.

Let's see. Can we get number 37
to step forward again?

Just want to get to know
you all a little better.

What can you tell us
about yourself?

Not a whole lot to tell, really.
Was born in Fort Collins.

Started watching wrestling
when I was four years old.

My father, he liked it too...

until he died.

Sometimes I think it's because of him
I follow this dream.

All my life, all I ever wanted
was to be a wrestler.

Fighting in the ring,

winning that belt.

And so I dreamed every night

that I was the Undertaker,

smashing skulls in,

breaking arms.

Damn, dude, that is
some badass wrestling.

Yeah, this guy crushes.

It isn't fair.

All my hard work.

I'm not going
to take it anymore.

That wrestling show is in
for a big surprise.

I'm putting an end to this
once and for all.

He's here!

Vince McMahon is here!

Wow! It's really him!

He's here.
Oh, my God!

All right.
Places everyone!

Welcome to this performance
of Wrestling Takedown Federation:

Smackdown.

Juggernaut?
Juggernaut, hey.

- What's going on?
- You know what's going on.

It's Smackdown tonight.

Which means we might
have to fight each other.

You shouldn't be fighting anybody.
What about your cancer?

Wait a minute.
Who is that?

It's Triceratops,
and he's with Irene!

You aren't welcome here,
Triceratops!

Stay calm.
You know what you have to do

for the good
of real wrestling.

No, Irene, please.
Just this once,

do not abort this baby.

My body, my right.

In fact, I'm junking
for the rush so badly,

- I won't make to it the clinic.
- No, you can't possibly mean that...

I think maybe
I'll have another abortion

right here, right now.

There's someone here
to wrestle you, Irene.

A baby you aborted
many years ago survived.

And he's here now.

Mother!
Why did you abort me? Why?

He is alive!

You, get back in the trash can
where you belong.

- Irene, there is no way.
- What do you think?

They are decent wrestlers.

We'll see how they develop
their through lines in the second act.

I thought I would find you here,
Triceratops!

Stay out of my business,
Sgt. Hammerclaw!

- You just stay out of my business.
- Excuse me.

I'm sorry,
I'm afraid this area is off limits.

Don't mind me.
I was just about to...

What the fuck is this?

How I long
for the spring meadows of Russia.

The soft Russian sky.

When are you going
to face reality, Congo?

Just because you were raised
by panthers doesn't mean you are one!

He's closer to a panther
than you'll ever be!

Lies!
These are all a bunch of lies!

Now, you listen here,
El Pollo Loco.

It doesn't matter
if your wife was killed.

You cannot keep
Irene's aborted baby.

Just let him crawl back to Mexico,
Sgt. Hammerclaw.

Only one shot.

Maximum damage.

This is all your fault,
you WWE president asshole.

Your fault we all die here
right now.

For wrestling!

Oh Deus mio!
Mataram El Pollo Loco!

Bastardos!

No, shut up!

You idiots want wrestling?

This is wrestling.

We want some real wrestlers.

This is just
a bunch of garbage.

And you're all ruining
the good name of wrestling.

Wrestling is from Ancient Greece.

It's in the Olympics.

What the hell do you care?
Get off the wrestling mat.

Why do I care?

These kids made it so real,
wrestling is gone from schools.

It's practically gone
from the culture.

Damn it.
They took my job!

What?

- They took his job.
- I know. Shh.

You want to know pain?

Pain is dedicating
your entire life to a sport,

to a career,

and then having it all
ripped away from you

like a baby from its mother.

- Man, they took his job.
- They took his job.

I lost everything.

Couldn't even afford to pay
for my little retriever Rex anymore.

Animal control came
and got him.

They took his dog!

I ended up
on the streets stealing.

Got busted by the police
and had to spend the night in jail.

The other inmates, they beat me up
and fractured my jaw so I couldn't eat.

They broke his jaw!

They broke his jaw!

So you see,
I have nothing left.

Nothing!

Not even the will to live.

Sir, that was one
of the finest wrestling performances

- I have ever seen.
- What?

Will you not join
our wrestling organization?

I promise to make you
our leading act.

- You mean it?
- Come.

I want to get you in rehearsals
right away.

- What?
- Dude.

Hey, what about us?
Our show?

Sorry, boys.
You are decent wrestlers,

but lack the Raw wrestling talent
this man has.

This is your fault, Kyle.
You screwed up the second act.

Me?
It was your stupid ass writing.

Face it, Stan's crappy singing
is what sunk us.

What the hell is this?

This is garbage fight.

Screw this.
This is just stupid.

Fake!