South Park (1997–…): Season 10, Episode 9 - Mystery of the Urinal Deuce - full transcript

I'm going out to South Park
gonna have myself a time

Friendly faces everywhere
humble folks without temptation

I'm goin out to south park
gonna leave my woes behind

Ample parking day or night
people spouting howdy neighbor

I'm heading out to south park
to see if i cant unwind

(Someday I'll be old enough
to stick my dick up Britney's butt!)

So come on out to south park
and meet some friends of mine

Episode 10x09
"Mystery of the Urinal Deuce"

And so, class, that is when Joe Lee
countered back to Aniston and said things like-

Oh hello Mr. Mackey.

All the girls go out in the hall please?



I need to speak with
the boys of this class, m'kay?

Boys, we have a very serious problem!

I've just come from the men's restroom
and somebody went number 2 in the urinal!

What's an urinal?
- A wall toilet for peeing in.

And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay?

Now I want whoever did it
to come forward right now

and it will be less painful
for everybody! M'kay?!

Who would take a ddump in a urinal?
It's such a s-senseless crime.

Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to
entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy.

Just like 9/11.
- Oh God, here we go again!

Nine-eleven was not a conspiracy, fatass!
- Oh really?!

Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?
- Excuse me!

Could we get back to the issue, please?!

You all don't seem to understand
how serious this is!



Now who made dookie in the urinal?!

Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
M'kay! M'kay!

You're gonna think it's real funny
when the police get here!

I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just
isn't really any evidence to go on.

But there must have been some motive.

Nobody would just dook
in the urinal for no reason.

But who would benefit
from crapping in the urinal?

Uh this is too big a mystery for me.
I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.

The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers
with a knack for solving mysteries.

The Hardly Boys in:
"The Mystery of the Urinal Turd".

So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no
leads and nobody admitting to the crime.

That sure is a mystery.
- Yeah, it sounds super-hard.

Whoever did it must have
been angry with the school.

I think I'm getting a clue.
- Really?

Yeah, this is totally giving
me a clue right now.

I'm starting to get a clue too.
- My clue is kind of pointing this way.

Yeah, now I've got a total clue.

I've still got a raging clue.

My clue's pointing over there now!
- Oh, let's follow that clue!

Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
- Not yet.

They aren't going to find out who did it.

But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him
to detention, and make us all believe it.

It'll be 9/11 all over again.

Will you shut up about 9/11!
- Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!

Because anybody who thinks 9/11
was a conspiracy is a retard!

Oh really?

Well did you know that over one-fourth of people
in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy?

Are you saying that one-fourth
of Americans are retards?

Yes. I'm saying one-fourth
of Americans are retards.

Yeah, at least one-fourth.

Let's take a test sample: There's four of us,
you're a retard, that's one-fourth.

There are soo many people who
know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters!

Hey, fellas!

Butters, do you think 9/11 was
just a plot by some angry terrorists

or do you think there was some kind of coverup?

Well, I heard that 9/11 was
caused by President Bush.

Aha! Do you see?
- Where did you hear that?

From Eric.
- I rest my case.

Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?

Well, l-uh, I mean, uu, you never know.

Uh the government does some pretty spooky things.

The government and the corporations
headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11

That's right, Butters.
- Goddamnit!

You see what happens when
you spread this stupid crap, fatass?!

What?! People see the truth?!

Can I go now?
- You guys are blind!

I can't believe that everyone here is just
buying into what they're told by the media!

I'm gonna go find out the truth.

I'm gonna blow the lid off this
whole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all!

Oh no...

It is wrong for me to ask questions?

Is it wrong to seek the truth?

I just can't blindly accept their version.

I can't base my logic on proof.

Almost all the evidence points one way.

But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan.

I need to know what really happened
On 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.

What really happened
On 9/11?

Of course. It's so obvious.

How did we not see it before?

This is my frog he doesn't have a name.

He's a frog not a toad because toads
don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets.

Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing
your dumb little frog with the class.

Okay, anybody else have
anything for Show and Tell?

All right, Eric, you can go next.

For Show and Tell today I have brought...

my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth...

behind the 9/11 attacks!

Oh Christ.

We are told to believe that the fire from the
jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers

which led to their collapse.

But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at
a high enough temperature to melt steel?

We were told the Pentagon was
hit by a hijacked plane as well

but now look at this photo of the Pentagon.
The hole is not nearly big enough.

And if a plane hit it,
where is the rest of the plane?

So now, the inevitable question:
if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did?

Remember that there are in fact two towers.

Two minus one is one; one one - 11.

Two minus one is one, one one.

and there are nine members
on Silverstein's board of directors.

That's nine-one-one.
Nine-eleven.

And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12

which leads us all to
the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks.

Kyle!

Me?

Twelve contains the numbers one and two

just like the toilet yesterday where somebody
went number two instead of number one!

And one and two with 911 and you get 914!
Drop the 4 and it's 91!

Exactly the score Kyle got on his
spelling test twelve days after 9/11!

Who has the most to gain from 9/11?!
Kyle!

Who was nowhere to be found
the morning the towers fell?! Kyle!

Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?!
Kyle!

But probably the most damning of all is
the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2!

When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared
to be a blur, but when I computer-enhanced it.

You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.

Hey Token.

You you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters.

All right, all right,
I was not responsible for 9/11!

God-damnit!

Hello bubbe, how was school today?
- Terrible.

Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad.

But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.

Whatwhatwhaaat?!

We have to do something!

It is obvious our children are
still completely confused about 9/11!

Yes, we need to go over it again in the class-
room so they understand what really happened.

Well, what really happened?

There's strong evidence that
what we were told isn't the truth.

Oh no, oh brother, oh God.

That's right. Did you know that there were
explosions seen at the base of the towers?

Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded.

Look, what-ever you believe

the fact of the matter is somebody...

dropped a dookie in the school urinal
and there's still no explanation for that!

Mr. Mackey, there are more
important things going on here!

More important?!

You aren't the one, who had to walk
into the boys' bathroom, okay.

After having tuh, to wake up early, you know.

There's no, no coffee in
the teachers' lounge, and then you

you walk into the bathroom just to find
a big dook laying there in the urinal!

Like it's laughin' at you!

He's right! The turd could have
been put there to cover up 9/11!

No, I'm not saying they're related!
- How do we know they're not?

We need to be brave enough to ask questions!

It's obvious that before we go any further

we need to find out who was
behind 9/11 once and for all!

Who else could it have been?
- This is too big a mystery for me.

I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
- Oh no, not the Goddamend-

The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers
with a knack for solving mysteries.

The Hardly Boys in:

The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.

So that's about the long
and short of it, Hardly Boys.

There were two towers that
stood right here and they're gone.

And nobody knows who's responsible?

There are theories, but, nobody's certain.

Who would benefit most from
two buildings disappearing?

I just started getting a clue.
- Really?

Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.

Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah,
I've got a raging clue right now.

Mine's pointing to the left.

Oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging
clue right now, I think we'd better follow it.

Okay, let's follow your raging clue.

Godspeed.

Kyle!
- Aaaah!

Dude!

Do you mind telling me why CIA guys are coming
to my house and questioning me about you?

I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's
putting pieces together that aren't there.

Well why did you have to involve me?
- It's not my fault.

All right, look, I've been doing
a lot of research on the Web

and I found an organization who says they
can prove you weren't involved in 9/11.

Really?
- Come on.

We'l go out the back so they don't see you.

There's just one thing I need to know before
we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?

Dude.

That's all I needed.

Now you might all think I've given up finding
out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay?

And maybe, maybe you
think it's a victimless crime.

This, is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor.
Okay?

He's the person...
who has to clean up...

when some trickster...
drops a dook in the wrong toilet!

Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks
an hour at best! Okay?

He's got three kids at home,
he's got a car that barely works.

He's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay.

Then he walks into the boys' room and sees
a big meaty chud starin' 'him in the face!

So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay.

You might as well have just drropped your pants

and laid a turd right on top
of Mr. Venezuela's head!

Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
- Mr. Mackey!

We got him.
- Huh?

We caught the person that did it.

Hi, we were hoping you can help us.
My friend is being blamed for 9/11.

Aw geez. Come on in, kids.

It doesn't surprise me. More and more
people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.

They are?

Yeah, it a way of keeping people
from seeing the real evidence.

I know it seems crazy, but 9/11
was pulled off by our own government

so they could gain support
for attacking the Middle East.

What? No no no.
- know it's hard to believe.

Dude, why would the government
attack its own buildings?

It's called the False Flag policy.
Make it look like the enemy attacked you.

Get all your citizens riled up
and waving American flags.

Then you're free to invade any country you want.

That's retarded.

Look into the evidence of 9/11 and you'll
see there are a lot of holes in their story.

There's a lot of holes in the Theory
of Evolution too, it doesn't mean it's wrong.

You don't understand!
The government controls everything.

The media, the corporations, they have
the power to do anything they want.

Here, look!
Read the labels on these! Go on, read them!

Code 234.

We think they came from a government office.
- What is it?

It's Anthrax.
- Anthrax?!

Someday we'll use it as evidence against them.

Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob!

Aw, aw, awww!

Why, Clyde?
Why did you do it?

I don't know.

You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay?

You got over three hundred people
that need to use the boys' room.

Then you decide you're
gonna be a comedian, m'kay.

And pinch one off in the urinal and leave it
layin' there for everyone to have to look at!

Okay okay, you think it's funny,
but nobody else does!

They gotta walk in that bathroom
and see your rancid dook

propped up against the back
of the urinal like a brown rag doll!

Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
- M'kay, that's good!

Let's see what your mom and dad have
to say about your little poopscapade!

Come on in, please.
I'm just trying to get your son to explain why

he would drop a dook in the urinal!

Mr. Mackey.

There's something you should know...

Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.

Come on in, Mr. President.

Uh, Mr. President, my name is-
- SSHHUUDDUUPP!

You think we don't know your name?!
We know everything! We control everything!

We've all worked very hard to keep
our involvement in 9/11 a secret!

But you just had to keep digging!

R eally?

You won't get away with it! People know!
- People?

You mean sheeple.

We have the majority of them
kept in blissful ignorance.

Just one more... leak... to fix.

Wait. What are you doing?

You've been a thorn in our
side for too long, I'm afraid.

No! You can't do this!

Please! I'll stop.
I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto-

Oh no! Oh no!

Too late.

Jesus Christ!

He died like a pig.
- Some pigs never learn.

No... way.

He was right.
You did cause 9/11.

Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really.

All I had to do was have explosives
planted in the base of the towers.

Then on 9/11 we pretended like
four planes were being hijacked.

When really we just rerouted
them to Pennsylvania.

Then flew two military jets into the World
Trade Center filled with more explosives

then shot down all the witnesses
of Flight 93 with an F-15

after blowing up the Pentagon
with a Cruise missile.

It was only the world's most intricate
and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.

Really?
- Why?!

Oldest reason in the world. Money.

The towers fell and the American
sheeple all waved their flags.

Finally we could invade Iraq and get the oil
which made us all richer than before.

Beauutiful money, hahahaha!

Really?
- Is the whole government in on this?

We are all-knowing and all-powerful.

Good-bye, boys.

Dangit I missed again!
- For Christ's sake, Cheney!

Kyle! Run!

Kill them!

Attention students.

Apparently, Clyde could not have
been the one who crapped in the urinal.

Because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay?

Now, whoever did this
unspeakable act is still at large.

The boys' bathroom is
closed until further notice

'cause one of you thought
it would be a good idea...

to pull down your pants... m'kay

over your buttcheeks over the urinal...

and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay?

Oh you think that's funny, huh?!

Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...
about going up to a nice, clean.

Unsuspectin' urinal, 'kay.

Droppin' your pants then... turnin' around...

squattin' over that urinal, 'kay.

Maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks
apart with your hands, m'kay.

And then layin' out a big fudge
dragon for all the world to see.

Oh yeah, that's real funny!

I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch
if it's the last thing I do! M'kay?!

All right, now we have to
switch over to Interbus 65.

We made it dude. We should be
home in less than eighteen hours.

Then we'll tell everyone what we saw.
- It just... doesn't seem right.

Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude.
It's like waking up for the first time.

Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got
out of the White House pretty easily?

I mean, it seems like it would be pretty
hard to escape from the White House

with everyone chasing you
and we just kind of... ran out.

Well dude, maybe we're just superbadass.
Have you thought of that?

Hey!

Dude. You're alive?

Come back here!

Hey!
- Ogh!

No. Please. Pleeease!

Dude! What the hell is going on?!

Don't kill me!
I, I just do what they say!

What who said?
- I have an family. Please don't kill me!

Dude, we aren't going to kill you.

Oh God!
- It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!

Who the fuck are you?!
- There's no time! come on!

Do you mind telling us
what the hell is going on?

Who are you?
- I'm a detective.

And I'm afraid that you kids
have been double-crossed.

You f-figured this thing all out?

Not me. My mystery-solving sons.
Come on in, boys.

My boys were researching who went
number two in the urinal at your school

when they discovered something odd,
which gave them a clue.

Gave us both a clue.

That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy
group party, where they got a lot more clues.

I was getting a clue like every two minutes.

I got such a raging clue that
I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.

Those clues pointed out that
all the 9/11 conspiracy theories

could be disproven scientifically.

And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.

It was huuuge.

That all the 9/11 conspiracy websites
are run by the government.

The 9/11 conspiracy...

is a government conspiracy.

Aw Jesus...

Why would the government want
people to believe they caused 9/11?

For a government to have power,
they must appear to have complete control.

What better way to make people fear

them than to convince them they are
capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?

That's quite enough, Hardly!

Don't believe what he says, boys.
We caused 9/11.

It's all right here in these secret documents,
but you'll never get them.

I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11
and you really didn't shoot that guy!

Boys, you don't understand.
People need to think we are all-powerful.

That we control the world.

If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11
then we appear to control nothing.

Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!

We do that too.
And most people believe the truth.

But one fourth of the population is retarded.

If they wanna believe we control everything
with intricate plans, why not let them?

Just one thing, Mr. President:
How the devil did you know we were all here?

How come you couldn't just go home, dude?
That's all we had to do!

Stan!
What the fuck?!

It was all planned out!
- You knew this whole time?

Why?

Because it was me.

I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.

What?

The stalls were full
and I didn't wanna miss recess!

I didn't think it would turn
into such a big deal!

So you blamed the government?!

And the government was more
than willing to take the blame

so long as it made them
look responsible for 9/11!

Oh man, now everyone's gonna know.

Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have
to be so good at solving mysteries?

So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal
and he contacted the conspiracy Web site?

But the conspiracy site
was run by the government?

Yuh.

So then, who was responsible for 9/11?

Whattaya mean?
A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.

Yeah. What are you, retarded?

Well, it looks like this mystery is solved.
It's time for the culprit to finally pay!

When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay!

How would you feel...
if somebody came into your home, m'kay.

Pulled down their pants and laid a big
mud monkey right on your mom's face?

Oh you think that's funny, huh?!
Yeah, that's real funny!