Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Episode #1.13 - full transcript
♪♪♪
[clock ticks, alarm rings]
Adult mark: It seemed
like only yesterday
I was dreading the first
day of grade seven.
Now, here I was, dreading
the last day of grade seven.
Nobody likes change.
Adult mark: Wow.
Pop really got me.
A one dollar coin?
I mean, what's next? A
twenty-five cent bill?
We'll be the laughingstock
of the united nations!
[bed creaks, sighs heavily]
[glasses thunk lightly]
- [sighs, water pours]
- oh no.
Adult mark: The
more things change.
- [grunts]
- [running footsteps]
[door bangs shut, music
plays on the radio]
Oh, last day of school, mark.
You won't have to deal
with that crowd all summer.
- Yeah. I guess.
- Good god, Mary.
This crowd is eatin' us
out o' house and home.
Legally you do have to feed me.
Pop: Well, eat while you can.
Because when word gets out
about this funny money,
We're headed for another
great depression.
Mark my words.
Mike jr.: Hey.
- [cereal jingles]
- take it easy, will ya?
It's not bottomless!
I found some interesting
reading material in your room.
- [clears throat] did you?!
- Well, uh, it's, it's not mine,
I can assure you o'
that. I just uh...
Oh. Uh... Yeah, yeah.
The university of new brunswick?
But... It's so far away!
Maybe in September?
- Who needs university?
- Or not.
I dunno, just give it back.
I dropped out of school to
fish when I was mark's age.
Yes. Because your
father drowned.
At least it put
hairs on my chest.
You could do with a
little toughening up,
- Let me tell ya.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
I probably would've
been better off.
If my father had drowned, too.
Mark: [chuckles] you'd be the
first person in the family.
To get off the island.
Yeah, but you'll get
murdered out there.
Yeah, and you'll never
get the body back.
Tanya bursey died in
Florida visiting her sister.
They had to bury her in buffalo.
Mickey mouse ears and all.
I don't know.
Room and board on
top of tuition?
I mean, where the hell's
the money coming from?
This is exactly why I
wanna get outta here!
And stop snooping
through my room!
[footsteps recede,
music plays quietly]
Can you, uh, drive
me to the bank?
I wanna get some bills
before the rioting starts.
[bedroom door bangs shut]
Overall, you did very
well on your math tests.
Especially you, ritchie.
Hmm.
Mark, could be worse. Barely.
Report cards come out Friday,
Followed by the school dance.
Remember to leave room for
the holy ghost while dancing.
[student chuckles, bell rings]
adult mark: The school dance!
I had finally gotten up
the nerve to ask fox,
And the thought of it
made my heart beat faster.
Than any gym class.
Hey! Are you going to the dance?
I can't dance with girls.
Or even be in the same
room as girls dancin'.
- [chuckles]
- well, it might be fun.
Besides, you can go with me.
Uh, fox?
Uh, are you thinking of maybe
pondering the idea of...
Sister Margaret: Fox!
May I speak with
you for a moment?
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs heavily]
And today's vocm
question of the day:
"Do you believe predictions.
Of a possible collapse
of the cod fishery?"
Our lines are open.
Your thoughts.
Line one, you're on the air.
Elderly lady: Mike? Hello?
- Is that you? [Feedback squeals]
- turn down your radio, caller.
Elderly lady: Oh, I
can't hear you, mike.
I'm getting feedback
from me radio.
Our question of the day:
Do you believe predictions
of an imminent collapse.
Of the cod fishery?
Your thoughts.
Elderly lady: I wanted
to report me lost cat.
- [whispers] turn it down.
- [whispers] go!
She's a white tabby,
with a big puffy
[button clicks] will
you get outta here?
- Go to commercial.
- This is important.
More important than the vocm.
Question of the day, is it?
Elderly lady: She answers to
puss, but her name is jacinta.
I put food out, but
only got the hard.
And she likes the
wet... [button clicks]
We seem to have
lost you, caller.
We'll be right back with
your thoughts... After this.
Commercial: At
caul's funeral home,
Your loved one is more
than just a dead body
[lowers volume]
this better be good!
Your career's gonna end in
that funeral home, buddy.
I just overheard the
bosses in the bathroom.
They never knew I was
there. I was in the stall.
Been having some trouble.
Doctor says I need
to lay off the dairy,
- But you know how it is...
- will you get to the point?!
They said, and I
quote, "it's gonna be.
A whole new station.
All music. No talk."
No talk?! But I'm the "talk."
Uh, somebody would've
said something!
No, they're not gonna tell you!
You're the first one
they're gonna get rid of.
Not me. I know how
to spin records.
Just because I
don't spin records.
Doesn't mean my work here
isn't valuable, dick.
- [button clicks]
- and we're back!
Line two, you're on the air!
Our vocm question of the day:
"Will the cod fishery collapse?"
Your thoughts? Caller: Mike!
I think I found that lady's cat.
I just said, "here,
puss, puss" [sighs]
And it came right up to me.
♪♪♪
[gasps]
I need you to be my math tutor.
You want my help?
If I don't do the nun's
stupid make-up test,
Then I can't go to the dance.
And if you tell anyone, I'm
gonna kick your ass so hard.
You'll be tasting my
sneakers all summer.
- M'lady.
- What'd you call me?
Nothing! Can we chat later?
I could save you
a seat on the bus.
We could have a
drink and a chin wag.
About the upcoming soiree?
[juice sloshes]
Leave me alone!
[footsteps recede]
[sighs] hey, did she say if
she was going to the dance?
[nervous gasps]
[sucking up juice]
I need to go to the toilet.
Adult mark: I wasn't
great at math,
But I knew when something
wasn't adding up.
[rock music plays loudly]
[door clicks open]
What're you listening to?
Okay, fine, I'll
put headphones on.
- What? No, no, no, no!
- I wanna hear that.
Is this this, uh, duran
fellow with the hungry wolf?
- Here you go, mike.
- Nice and clean.
Thanks.
Well, you know where you're
not gonna get clean laundry.
Done for you, hmm?
New brunswick.
- Do you mind?
- We're talking music.
Hey, can you guys
get outta my room?
I just wanna be alone.
Come and have a gander
at your inheritance.
- Ten dollars?
- Ah, yes, now.
But when they take these
bills out of circulation,
This could double in value!
So twenty dollars.
Uh, can you lend me some change?
I need to go down to
the duke of duckworths.
- You got $10 dollars!
- I can't touch that!
- That's an investment!
- Oh, sweet Jesus,
Will you stop fightin'!
Any wonder he wants to
move away, right, mike?
Little bugger.
Kids: [indistinct
chatter and laughter]
So if 3x + 1 = 16,
How do we solve for x?
- [loud snap]
- [frustrated sigh]
That pencil was
strawberry sniff!
Screw it. My brothers
all repeated grades.
Makes sense. I'm stupid too.
You're not failing
because you're stupid.
You're failing because
you're not trying!
Trust me, you'll get it.
Just don't give up, okay?
[sighs]
[chair scrapes]
♪♪♪
Adult mark: Betrayed by
the only person I knew.
Who was more of a
geek than I was.
She certainly had a type.
- Well, isn't this romantic?
- [paper rustles]
Ew! Gross!
- It's not what you think.
- The truth...
- Is none of his business.
- Leave us alone!
Fine.
But you can forget about
going to the dance together,
'cause I'm not going anymore.
[huffs]
You never asked me to the dance.
He was talking to me.
[record jacket squeaks]
Hey, dick, have
you got a minute?
Good god! You were right!
- Told ya. You're toast.
- I can't lose this job.
Young mike's talking
about university.
Don't forget you live
in a company house.
You get fired,
you're homeless, too.
You wanna work? You're gonna
have to learn to spin records.
I was gonna dj the school
dance. Why don't you do it?
Better to make your mistake in
front of nobody who matters.
- That's my son's dance.
- Yes,
But your son already
knows you're a...
Great guy.
Remember, no elevator
music! Just hits!
[drawer scrapes shut]
pop: Where did it go?
I left my money on the
dresser last night.
Good god.
I've lost one of
my dollar bills.
- Have you seen it?
- No.
Well, it didn't just fly away.
If I was to look in
there, would I find it?
- Of course not! Wait, what?
- What're you doing?
- [grunts] hmm...
- Pop!
- Well, it must be somewhere?
- I-I...
- Oh, well, I don't see it.
- What about your pocket?
- No! No!
- Let me look in your pocket!
- Get off me! Get...
- Ow! Come here!
- I got it! [Sprays]
- what the hell is that?!
What is all this racket?
- [coughs] oh, it's just...
- Oh!
- This house is too small!
- I need some privacy.
When mike goes, I want his room!
Do you two know
how lucky you are.
To have a roof over
your head at all?
Mike! They're just
skylarkin' is all.
- Enough!
- What's gotten into you?
Nothing is good
enough for you crowd.
You wanna go live with
mike? Fine! [Trunk clunks]
- You got it! Come on!
- What're you doing?
[bed drags]
If pop isn't mature
enough to have a roommate,
Then you can go stay with
your brother. Come on!
- Uh... Wait! What?
- [bed drags]
[crickets chirp, dog
barks in the distance]
Mike? You up?
[light clicks on]
Mike? You up?
[sighs]
What do you want?
I think I like this girl...
Who ritchie likes,
And she likes ritchie.
And it was just...
[pillow thuds]
Go to sleep!
Adult mark: The thing
about change is,
You don't know what
you got till it's gone.
[bed creaks]
[sighs heavily]
[crow caws]
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Marcus.
Grandfather.
[lid clicks]
- [juice pours]
- [spits]
- [juice pours]
- whoa!
Going a bit heavy on
that juice there, son.
Rough day ahead?
Bit of nerves about the dance.
Not that you care, I'm sure.
Mm.
- [gulps] mmm...
- [sighs heavily]
- [glass clunks]
- ah...
[bill rustles and snaps]
- There.
- Well,
I can't take one of
your special dollars.
I want you to have it.
- So I can save it?
- No!
I want you to live
in the moment!
Buy your girl a soft
drink at the dance.
- I can't dance.
- What?!
The critch men were
always the best dancers.
Listen, you get onto
the dance floor, right?
Your shoulders back,
your spine over your ass,
And put your hands
down by your sides,
And then you kick your feet out.
Like you're busting for a whiz.
[hums "I'se the b'y"]
♪ I'se the b'y who
builds the boat ♪
♪ and I'se the b'y
who sails her ♪
♪ I'se the b'y who
catches the fish ♪
- Head up! Head up!
- ♪ ...Home to Liza
Adult mark: Pop was right.
I had to live in the moment.
The one good thing
about living with mike.
Was I could raid his closet.
For all the latest
clothes from le chateau.
If I was going to win fox back,
I had to be the me I could be.
I had to be... My brother.
[huey Lewis and the
news: "hip to be square"]
[banging on door]
- Hey, mark, come on!
- Let's hurry it up!
[banging on door]
Mark, come on, man,
I'm dying out here.
♪ I used to be a renegade
♪ I used to fool around
♪ but I couldn't
take the punishment ♪
♪ and had to settle down
♪ now I'm playin'
it real straight ♪
♪ and yes, I cut my hair
♪ you might think I'm crazy ♪
♪ but I don't even
care [banging on door]
♪ because I can tell
what's going on ♪
- Mark! Did you fall in again?
- [doorknob squeaks]
Adult mark: Like a caterpillar
emerging from his cocoon,
The boy had become... A man!
That's my shirt,
you little dick!
- And you got blood on it?!
- Hey!
Good god! When they talk
about "hitting puberty".
They don't mean with a hammer.
I think you're the most
handsome man I've ever saw.
- Right, mike?
- Ah... Yes!
You look very uh...
Good god.
The boy is melting.
Uh, you look... It'll be fine.
♪ There is no denying that
♪ it's hip to be square
♪♪♪
- [indistinct chatter]
- [taps mic]
- [clears throat]
- welcome to the dance, children.
[low hum of chatter]
Have fun, but remember
this is still a school,
So be respectful.
Yes, sister,
I know these children
are filled with urges.
I expect that you dance.
Like young ladies and gentlemen,
And not like two sticks.
Rubbing up against each other.
In the hopes of starting a fire.
For if you do, the
fire you start.
Will surely burn your soul.
For eternity... In hell.
[amplified thud]
Well, isn't that lovely?
[clears throat] mister critch.
Ah. Uh, thank you, sister.
Uh, this tune is called,
uh, "patio lanterns".
By kim Mitchell.
Apparently, he - or she.
Is climbing the charts.
With his - or her
- uh, hit single.
Mike critch, reporting.
[kim Mitchell: "patio lanterns"]
♪ Our house had
the biggest patio ♪
♪ our house had all
the summer shade ♪
♪ we had patio lanterns
- Hey!
- Hey.
You still haven't opened it?
You look for me. Please.
- [report card rustles]
- I thought you weren't coming.
Well, I wasn't going to,
but my friends were like,
"mark, you gotta come. It
won't be fun without you."
Look, I'd love to stay and chat,
But I have to go cut
a rug, as they say.
♪ Who was gonna be
♪ who would be the
first to kiss ♪
- Now, don't be disappointed.
- You got a d.
A "d"?
I got a d!
♪♪♪
♪ those patio lanterns
♪ they were the
stars in the sky ♪
Mike sr.: [over mic] mark? Mark.
♪ Those patio lanterns,
lighting up our lives ♪
I don't know what's
going on with your hair,
Or your trousers.
But here's what I do know:
You can't go through life.
Pretending to be
someone you're not,
Just to impress a
bunch of people.
Hang on a sec.
Okay, cats and kittens,
Apparently "we're not
gonna take it anymore."
So let's fight the power,
with the twisted sister,
- Oh my god...
- Whom, I'm told,
Are not nuns, but men.
Adult mark: Being on the
outs with fox and ritchie.
Made me realize just
how alone I had been.
Before I'd met them.
♪ We're not gonna take it
♪ oh no,
- We got somethin' to tell ya.
- I know!
Look, I hate fighting, so
if you guys are dating,
Then I... I guess
I'm happy for you.
And I just wanna be
friends again, okay?
[snorts] no, we've
been studying, doofus!
Ritchie helped me pass algebra.
See? I got a d!
I gotta go rub this
in my brother's face.
He did grade seven
like three times!
♪ This is our song
Sorry. I wanted to tell you,
But she would have murdered me.
She still likes you more.
That's why she asked for
your help, instead of mine.
She asked me because she
doesn't like me like that.
She actually cares
what you think of her.
♪ Oh no, we ain't
gonna take it ♪
♪ we're not gonna
take it anymore ♪
Thanks.
♪♪♪
Adult mark: I had a request,
And luckily, I had
an in with the dj.
[record scratches]
Attention, students.
I've been told to
play only hit music.
Well, I may not be
hip to today's jive,
But I do know good
music when I hear it.
So, from the good morning
Vietnam soundtrack,
Here's a hit that
even I can dance to.
[Louis Armstrong: "what
a wonderful world"]
♪♪♪
♪ I see trees so green
♪ red roses too
Dick told me everything.
Uh, Mary, I'm sorry, but
we'll find another house.
And I know that
dick is an idiot,
So I called your boss.
And he told me that they're
not changing the station.
They're adding an fm station.
- You're not being replaced.
- [sigh of relief]
- I'm not?
- No, mike.
You're irreplaceable.
♪ And clouds so white
♪ the bright blessed day
♪ the dark sacred night
♪ and I think to myself
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congratulations on the d.
- That's great.
- It's okay.
- It's more than okay.
I mean, if you weren't in
my class next year, I'd
♪ the colours of the rainbow
- ♪ so pretty...
- Congratulations.
Thanks.
[chuckles] weirdo.
♪ Are people going by
Uh... I was just wondering,
- Maybe if you wanted to...
- here.
♪ Saying how do you do
I thought you liked it?
Trust me, you're gonna
need it this summer,
Out there all alone
in your weird house.
[chuckles]
Thanks.
♪ I watch them grow
[feet scuff]
♪ Then I'll ever know
Check out my moves!
- [laughs] that's dead easy.
- Watch!
Ugh! [Giggles] here. You try.
Okay.
♪♪♪
- Okay, yeah.
- There's also another move.
My pop taught me.
[inhales sharply]
Arms down.
[feet tap lightly]
♪ What a wonderful world
- What's this called?
- I do not know,
But you sometimes put
your hands like that.
Adult mark: No slow
dance. No kiss.
I may not have had a girlfriend,
But I did have great friends.
[indistinct chatter]
[door clicks open]
- Dad! Come on!
- I know, I know,
I'll just be a minute.
Look, uh, money's
been tight lately...
- I know.
- School was a... Dumb idea.
No, no. Listen.
We were just talking and uh...
I think we can make it work.
Really?
Yeah.
[laughs excitedly]
- Oh!
- [light pats]
[sniffs] oh my...
I'm gonna miss you
somethin' shockin'.
Hmm. [Sniffling]
Adult mark: Change
can be a good thing.
It can make you appreciate
the little things.
You took for granted.
Maybe my life
hadn't changed much,
But I had.
♪ What's down the road
I used to hate the school bus.
Because it took
me away from home.
But now, it was my lifeline.
I faced a long summer alone,
And I couldn't help but worry.
That my friends would
forget all about me.
♪ No matter where we roam
♪ you'll never be alone
♪ just come with me
♪ and you will see
♪ that we will always be...
[tape rattles]
♪ Home
[tape snaps into place]
[play button clicks]
♪ 'Cause I wonder
where you are ♪
♪ I wonder if you
think about me ♪
♪ once upon a time
♪ in your wildest dreams
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
[clock ticks, alarm rings]
Adult mark: It seemed
like only yesterday
I was dreading the first
day of grade seven.
Now, here I was, dreading
the last day of grade seven.
Nobody likes change.
Adult mark: Wow.
Pop really got me.
A one dollar coin?
I mean, what's next? A
twenty-five cent bill?
We'll be the laughingstock
of the united nations!
[bed creaks, sighs heavily]
[glasses thunk lightly]
- [sighs, water pours]
- oh no.
Adult mark: The
more things change.
- [grunts]
- [running footsteps]
[door bangs shut, music
plays on the radio]
Oh, last day of school, mark.
You won't have to deal
with that crowd all summer.
- Yeah. I guess.
- Good god, Mary.
This crowd is eatin' us
out o' house and home.
Legally you do have to feed me.
Pop: Well, eat while you can.
Because when word gets out
about this funny money,
We're headed for another
great depression.
Mark my words.
Mike jr.: Hey.
- [cereal jingles]
- take it easy, will ya?
It's not bottomless!
I found some interesting
reading material in your room.
- [clears throat] did you?!
- Well, uh, it's, it's not mine,
I can assure you o'
that. I just uh...
Oh. Uh... Yeah, yeah.
The university of new brunswick?
But... It's so far away!
Maybe in September?
- Who needs university?
- Or not.
I dunno, just give it back.
I dropped out of school to
fish when I was mark's age.
Yes. Because your
father drowned.
At least it put
hairs on my chest.
You could do with a
little toughening up,
- Let me tell ya.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
I probably would've
been better off.
If my father had drowned, too.
Mark: [chuckles] you'd be the
first person in the family.
To get off the island.
Yeah, but you'll get
murdered out there.
Yeah, and you'll never
get the body back.
Tanya bursey died in
Florida visiting her sister.
They had to bury her in buffalo.
Mickey mouse ears and all.
I don't know.
Room and board on
top of tuition?
I mean, where the hell's
the money coming from?
This is exactly why I
wanna get outta here!
And stop snooping
through my room!
[footsteps recede,
music plays quietly]
Can you, uh, drive
me to the bank?
I wanna get some bills
before the rioting starts.
[bedroom door bangs shut]
Overall, you did very
well on your math tests.
Especially you, ritchie.
Hmm.
Mark, could be worse. Barely.
Report cards come out Friday,
Followed by the school dance.
Remember to leave room for
the holy ghost while dancing.
[student chuckles, bell rings]
adult mark: The school dance!
I had finally gotten up
the nerve to ask fox,
And the thought of it
made my heart beat faster.
Than any gym class.
Hey! Are you going to the dance?
I can't dance with girls.
Or even be in the same
room as girls dancin'.
- [chuckles]
- well, it might be fun.
Besides, you can go with me.
Uh, fox?
Uh, are you thinking of maybe
pondering the idea of...
Sister Margaret: Fox!
May I speak with
you for a moment?
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs heavily]
And today's vocm
question of the day:
"Do you believe predictions.
Of a possible collapse
of the cod fishery?"
Our lines are open.
Your thoughts.
Line one, you're on the air.
Elderly lady: Mike? Hello?
- Is that you? [Feedback squeals]
- turn down your radio, caller.
Elderly lady: Oh, I
can't hear you, mike.
I'm getting feedback
from me radio.
Our question of the day:
Do you believe predictions
of an imminent collapse.
Of the cod fishery?
Your thoughts.
Elderly lady: I wanted
to report me lost cat.
- [whispers] turn it down.
- [whispers] go!
She's a white tabby,
with a big puffy
[button clicks] will
you get outta here?
- Go to commercial.
- This is important.
More important than the vocm.
Question of the day, is it?
Elderly lady: She answers to
puss, but her name is jacinta.
I put food out, but
only got the hard.
And she likes the
wet... [button clicks]
We seem to have
lost you, caller.
We'll be right back with
your thoughts... After this.
Commercial: At
caul's funeral home,
Your loved one is more
than just a dead body
[lowers volume]
this better be good!
Your career's gonna end in
that funeral home, buddy.
I just overheard the
bosses in the bathroom.
They never knew I was
there. I was in the stall.
Been having some trouble.
Doctor says I need
to lay off the dairy,
- But you know how it is...
- will you get to the point?!
They said, and I
quote, "it's gonna be.
A whole new station.
All music. No talk."
No talk?! But I'm the "talk."
Uh, somebody would've
said something!
No, they're not gonna tell you!
You're the first one
they're gonna get rid of.
Not me. I know how
to spin records.
Just because I
don't spin records.
Doesn't mean my work here
isn't valuable, dick.
- [button clicks]
- and we're back!
Line two, you're on the air!
Our vocm question of the day:
"Will the cod fishery collapse?"
Your thoughts? Caller: Mike!
I think I found that lady's cat.
I just said, "here,
puss, puss" [sighs]
And it came right up to me.
♪♪♪
[gasps]
I need you to be my math tutor.
You want my help?
If I don't do the nun's
stupid make-up test,
Then I can't go to the dance.
And if you tell anyone, I'm
gonna kick your ass so hard.
You'll be tasting my
sneakers all summer.
- M'lady.
- What'd you call me?
Nothing! Can we chat later?
I could save you
a seat on the bus.
We could have a
drink and a chin wag.
About the upcoming soiree?
[juice sloshes]
Leave me alone!
[footsteps recede]
[sighs] hey, did she say if
she was going to the dance?
[nervous gasps]
[sucking up juice]
I need to go to the toilet.
Adult mark: I wasn't
great at math,
But I knew when something
wasn't adding up.
[rock music plays loudly]
[door clicks open]
What're you listening to?
Okay, fine, I'll
put headphones on.
- What? No, no, no, no!
- I wanna hear that.
Is this this, uh, duran
fellow with the hungry wolf?
- Here you go, mike.
- Nice and clean.
Thanks.
Well, you know where you're
not gonna get clean laundry.
Done for you, hmm?
New brunswick.
- Do you mind?
- We're talking music.
Hey, can you guys
get outta my room?
I just wanna be alone.
Come and have a gander
at your inheritance.
- Ten dollars?
- Ah, yes, now.
But when they take these
bills out of circulation,
This could double in value!
So twenty dollars.
Uh, can you lend me some change?
I need to go down to
the duke of duckworths.
- You got $10 dollars!
- I can't touch that!
- That's an investment!
- Oh, sweet Jesus,
Will you stop fightin'!
Any wonder he wants to
move away, right, mike?
Little bugger.
Kids: [indistinct
chatter and laughter]
So if 3x + 1 = 16,
How do we solve for x?
- [loud snap]
- [frustrated sigh]
That pencil was
strawberry sniff!
Screw it. My brothers
all repeated grades.
Makes sense. I'm stupid too.
You're not failing
because you're stupid.
You're failing because
you're not trying!
Trust me, you'll get it.
Just don't give up, okay?
[sighs]
[chair scrapes]
♪♪♪
Adult mark: Betrayed by
the only person I knew.
Who was more of a
geek than I was.
She certainly had a type.
- Well, isn't this romantic?
- [paper rustles]
Ew! Gross!
- It's not what you think.
- The truth...
- Is none of his business.
- Leave us alone!
Fine.
But you can forget about
going to the dance together,
'cause I'm not going anymore.
[huffs]
You never asked me to the dance.
He was talking to me.
[record jacket squeaks]
Hey, dick, have
you got a minute?
Good god! You were right!
- Told ya. You're toast.
- I can't lose this job.
Young mike's talking
about university.
Don't forget you live
in a company house.
You get fired,
you're homeless, too.
You wanna work? You're gonna
have to learn to spin records.
I was gonna dj the school
dance. Why don't you do it?
Better to make your mistake in
front of nobody who matters.
- That's my son's dance.
- Yes,
But your son already
knows you're a...
Great guy.
Remember, no elevator
music! Just hits!
[drawer scrapes shut]
pop: Where did it go?
I left my money on the
dresser last night.
Good god.
I've lost one of
my dollar bills.
- Have you seen it?
- No.
Well, it didn't just fly away.
If I was to look in
there, would I find it?
- Of course not! Wait, what?
- What're you doing?
- [grunts] hmm...
- Pop!
- Well, it must be somewhere?
- I-I...
- Oh, well, I don't see it.
- What about your pocket?
- No! No!
- Let me look in your pocket!
- Get off me! Get...
- Ow! Come here!
- I got it! [Sprays]
- what the hell is that?!
What is all this racket?
- [coughs] oh, it's just...
- Oh!
- This house is too small!
- I need some privacy.
When mike goes, I want his room!
Do you two know
how lucky you are.
To have a roof over
your head at all?
Mike! They're just
skylarkin' is all.
- Enough!
- What's gotten into you?
Nothing is good
enough for you crowd.
You wanna go live with
mike? Fine! [Trunk clunks]
- You got it! Come on!
- What're you doing?
[bed drags]
If pop isn't mature
enough to have a roommate,
Then you can go stay with
your brother. Come on!
- Uh... Wait! What?
- [bed drags]
[crickets chirp, dog
barks in the distance]
Mike? You up?
[light clicks on]
Mike? You up?
[sighs]
What do you want?
I think I like this girl...
Who ritchie likes,
And she likes ritchie.
And it was just...
[pillow thuds]
Go to sleep!
Adult mark: The thing
about change is,
You don't know what
you got till it's gone.
[bed creaks]
[sighs heavily]
[crow caws]
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Marcus.
Grandfather.
[lid clicks]
- [juice pours]
- [spits]
- [juice pours]
- whoa!
Going a bit heavy on
that juice there, son.
Rough day ahead?
Bit of nerves about the dance.
Not that you care, I'm sure.
Mm.
- [gulps] mmm...
- [sighs heavily]
- [glass clunks]
- ah...
[bill rustles and snaps]
- There.
- Well,
I can't take one of
your special dollars.
I want you to have it.
- So I can save it?
- No!
I want you to live
in the moment!
Buy your girl a soft
drink at the dance.
- I can't dance.
- What?!
The critch men were
always the best dancers.
Listen, you get onto
the dance floor, right?
Your shoulders back,
your spine over your ass,
And put your hands
down by your sides,
And then you kick your feet out.
Like you're busting for a whiz.
[hums "I'se the b'y"]
♪ I'se the b'y who
builds the boat ♪
♪ and I'se the b'y
who sails her ♪
♪ I'se the b'y who
catches the fish ♪
- Head up! Head up!
- ♪ ...Home to Liza
Adult mark: Pop was right.
I had to live in the moment.
The one good thing
about living with mike.
Was I could raid his closet.
For all the latest
clothes from le chateau.
If I was going to win fox back,
I had to be the me I could be.
I had to be... My brother.
[huey Lewis and the
news: "hip to be square"]
[banging on door]
- Hey, mark, come on!
- Let's hurry it up!
[banging on door]
Mark, come on, man,
I'm dying out here.
♪ I used to be a renegade
♪ I used to fool around
♪ but I couldn't
take the punishment ♪
♪ and had to settle down
♪ now I'm playin'
it real straight ♪
♪ and yes, I cut my hair
♪ you might think I'm crazy ♪
♪ but I don't even
care [banging on door]
♪ because I can tell
what's going on ♪
- Mark! Did you fall in again?
- [doorknob squeaks]
Adult mark: Like a caterpillar
emerging from his cocoon,
The boy had become... A man!
That's my shirt,
you little dick!
- And you got blood on it?!
- Hey!
Good god! When they talk
about "hitting puberty".
They don't mean with a hammer.
I think you're the most
handsome man I've ever saw.
- Right, mike?
- Ah... Yes!
You look very uh...
Good god.
The boy is melting.
Uh, you look... It'll be fine.
♪ There is no denying that
♪ it's hip to be square
♪♪♪
- [indistinct chatter]
- [taps mic]
- [clears throat]
- welcome to the dance, children.
[low hum of chatter]
Have fun, but remember
this is still a school,
So be respectful.
Yes, sister,
I know these children
are filled with urges.
I expect that you dance.
Like young ladies and gentlemen,
And not like two sticks.
Rubbing up against each other.
In the hopes of starting a fire.
For if you do, the
fire you start.
Will surely burn your soul.
For eternity... In hell.
[amplified thud]
Well, isn't that lovely?
[clears throat] mister critch.
Ah. Uh, thank you, sister.
Uh, this tune is called,
uh, "patio lanterns".
By kim Mitchell.
Apparently, he - or she.
Is climbing the charts.
With his - or her
- uh, hit single.
Mike critch, reporting.
[kim Mitchell: "patio lanterns"]
♪ Our house had
the biggest patio ♪
♪ our house had all
the summer shade ♪
♪ we had patio lanterns
- Hey!
- Hey.
You still haven't opened it?
You look for me. Please.
- [report card rustles]
- I thought you weren't coming.
Well, I wasn't going to,
but my friends were like,
"mark, you gotta come. It
won't be fun without you."
Look, I'd love to stay and chat,
But I have to go cut
a rug, as they say.
♪ Who was gonna be
♪ who would be the
first to kiss ♪
- Now, don't be disappointed.
- You got a d.
A "d"?
I got a d!
♪♪♪
♪ those patio lanterns
♪ they were the
stars in the sky ♪
Mike sr.: [over mic] mark? Mark.
♪ Those patio lanterns,
lighting up our lives ♪
I don't know what's
going on with your hair,
Or your trousers.
But here's what I do know:
You can't go through life.
Pretending to be
someone you're not,
Just to impress a
bunch of people.
Hang on a sec.
Okay, cats and kittens,
Apparently "we're not
gonna take it anymore."
So let's fight the power,
with the twisted sister,
- Oh my god...
- Whom, I'm told,
Are not nuns, but men.
Adult mark: Being on the
outs with fox and ritchie.
Made me realize just
how alone I had been.
Before I'd met them.
♪ We're not gonna take it
♪ oh no,
- We got somethin' to tell ya.
- I know!
Look, I hate fighting, so
if you guys are dating,
Then I... I guess
I'm happy for you.
And I just wanna be
friends again, okay?
[snorts] no, we've
been studying, doofus!
Ritchie helped me pass algebra.
See? I got a d!
I gotta go rub this
in my brother's face.
He did grade seven
like three times!
♪ This is our song
Sorry. I wanted to tell you,
But she would have murdered me.
She still likes you more.
That's why she asked for
your help, instead of mine.
She asked me because she
doesn't like me like that.
She actually cares
what you think of her.
♪ Oh no, we ain't
gonna take it ♪
♪ we're not gonna
take it anymore ♪
Thanks.
♪♪♪
Adult mark: I had a request,
And luckily, I had
an in with the dj.
[record scratches]
Attention, students.
I've been told to
play only hit music.
Well, I may not be
hip to today's jive,
But I do know good
music when I hear it.
So, from the good morning
Vietnam soundtrack,
Here's a hit that
even I can dance to.
[Louis Armstrong: "what
a wonderful world"]
♪♪♪
♪ I see trees so green
♪ red roses too
Dick told me everything.
Uh, Mary, I'm sorry, but
we'll find another house.
And I know that
dick is an idiot,
So I called your boss.
And he told me that they're
not changing the station.
They're adding an fm station.
- You're not being replaced.
- [sigh of relief]
- I'm not?
- No, mike.
You're irreplaceable.
♪ And clouds so white
♪ the bright blessed day
♪ the dark sacred night
♪ and I think to myself
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Congratulations on the d.
- That's great.
- It's okay.
- It's more than okay.
I mean, if you weren't in
my class next year, I'd
♪ the colours of the rainbow
- ♪ so pretty...
- Congratulations.
Thanks.
[chuckles] weirdo.
♪ Are people going by
Uh... I was just wondering,
- Maybe if you wanted to...
- here.
♪ Saying how do you do
I thought you liked it?
Trust me, you're gonna
need it this summer,
Out there all alone
in your weird house.
[chuckles]
Thanks.
♪ I watch them grow
[feet scuff]
♪ Then I'll ever know
Check out my moves!
- [laughs] that's dead easy.
- Watch!
Ugh! [Giggles] here. You try.
Okay.
♪♪♪
- Okay, yeah.
- There's also another move.
My pop taught me.
[inhales sharply]
Arms down.
[feet tap lightly]
♪ What a wonderful world
- What's this called?
- I do not know,
But you sometimes put
your hands like that.
Adult mark: No slow
dance. No kiss.
I may not have had a girlfriend,
But I did have great friends.
[indistinct chatter]
[door clicks open]
- Dad! Come on!
- I know, I know,
I'll just be a minute.
Look, uh, money's
been tight lately...
- I know.
- School was a... Dumb idea.
No, no. Listen.
We were just talking and uh...
I think we can make it work.
Really?
Yeah.
[laughs excitedly]
- Oh!
- [light pats]
[sniffs] oh my...
I'm gonna miss you
somethin' shockin'.
Hmm. [Sniffling]
Adult mark: Change
can be a good thing.
It can make you appreciate
the little things.
You took for granted.
Maybe my life
hadn't changed much,
But I had.
♪ What's down the road
I used to hate the school bus.
Because it took
me away from home.
But now, it was my lifeline.
I faced a long summer alone,
And I couldn't help but worry.
That my friends would
forget all about me.
♪ No matter where we roam
♪ you'll never be alone
♪ just come with me
♪ and you will see
♪ that we will always be...
[tape rattles]
♪ Home
[tape snaps into place]
[play button clicks]
♪ 'Cause I wonder
where you are ♪
♪ I wonder if you
think about me ♪
♪ once upon a time
♪ in your wildest dreams
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
♪♪♪