Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

I grew up

In the middle of nowhere.

Of all the terrible days
of my lonely childhood

The first day of junior high
was the worst.

I didn't know how to be a kid

Because I was never around any.

No other kids
lived on my street.

I had to attend the nearest
catholic junior high

And that meant being bused
halfway across town

With total strangers.

Ah!



I shared a room with my
80-year-old grandfather.

Good morning, pop.

Good mornin'.

Pop washed himself like a cat.

Nothing gets you
out of bed faster

Than being mooned
by an octogenarian.

Oh, I'm good girl, yes.

My god, heard all about
your husband.

Oh, don't be talking.

Shocking, isn't it,
him full up with the cancer?

- My father worked
at the radio station next door,

But my mother
was a radio station.

She shot out gossip
like a machine gun.

Yes, I'm sure the crowd
at the hospital knows best,



But I did hear
that dr. Hall left his wife

For a gallbladder patient
and he started drinking again.

Kettle's boiled there, mary.

Would somebody
get that bloody kettle?

I'm comforting alice.

Her husband's good as dead.

- Nothing said,
"I'm too sick to go to school"

Like a temperature
of a 100 degrees.

Oh, yes, girl, at least
the alcohol would kill

Whatever germs
he's apt for getting

From that gall-less hussey.

Mom,

I can't believe this.

First day of school,

I'm sick.

He's faking!

He had his head over the kettle!

See?

This type of scrutiny

Is exactly why I don't share
how I'm feeling with you people.

- Sweet jesus.
- Tony walsh died.

Some sort of prick he was.

Still, can't wait for that wake.

Hey, mark, if you're
home sick, come with me -

Spread a few germs around.

See if you can't take down
a few more of the bastards.

Which funeral home?

Carmel's.

Ah. Better sandwiches at caul's.

Hey, how come he gets to
stay at home and go to awake?

- He's faking sick.
- Hold on, dear.

Nobody is going to a wake.

Now, mark, honey,

I know you're nervous
about going to school.

I know you're worried
about getting picked on

And beaten up and made fun of...

Wow, you really know
how to cheer a guy up.

But you don't need to be.

I mean, sure those things
will happen,

But it's how you respond
that matters.

You just be yourself.

Jeez, don't do that.

Yes, don't do
anything harsh, now.

- People can tell when you're
trying to be some'n you're not.

Now, everyone might think
you're strange,

But you
are the sweetest boy I know.

Strange?

Nervous or not, if you don't
get on that bloody bus,

I'm going to pick you up
like a bloody baby

And carry you onto it

And then they're going to
make fun of you even worse

Than they already will.

Great pep talk.

Yes, yes...

Heya, turn that up,
your father's on.

We go now live

To the scene
of a traffic accident

Of ungodly proportions.

Here's mike critch
with the vocm news.

The old man had a way
of spinning small town news

That made the mundane
seem earth-shattering.

Two moose were struck

On the trans-canada highway.

The sex of the moose...

Has not yet been released

But early reports indicate
that two amorous moose

Were locked in combat
in a show of strength

In the outbound lane
when a third moose,

The object of their affection,

Looked on unamused.

Two men killed...

One seriously.

Mike critch, first on the scene
for the vocm news service.

You know what hospital
they went to?

Was it st. Claire's?

Health sciences?

I envied that dead moose.

Its suffering was over

And mine was just beginning.

Go! Carry on!

I'm good.

- Are you getting on?
- I'll catch the next one.

There's no next one.

- Mark!
- Hey, mark.

Did you see the moose?

Mark!

These were big kids.

Some had wispy mustaches

That reminded me
of the fuzz on kiwis.

Keep an eye on me.

There was no going back now.

And, apparently,

There was no
sitting down either.

Wait a minute.

Does that kid have a kid?

What are you looking at, prick?

Hi.

I can't tell you
how much I appreciate it.

My name's mark,
st. Paul's elementary.

Class of '86.

Ow.

That's for making us come
all the way out here to get you.

Who the hell was out there
on the highway?

Was that your dad?

Why is he so old?

- Him?
- I don't know that guy.

First day of school
in the capital city.

Now, mike, that was your boy

Getting on that school bus
there, wasn't it?

Yes, dick, I'd like to send

A bouquet out to my son, mark,

On his first day
at st. Bridget's school.

Mark, I know you're scared, son,
but I'm sure you're making

Lots of good friends
on the school bus.

Oh, yeah.

Him, that-that's my dad.

That's my lunch.

We can share if you want.

Just when I thought
it couldn't get any worse...

Tin of drink, chips and a bun...

We're going to get along
just fine.

I met her brothers.

Look at you, ah, poor thing.

This is gonna suck.

Bullying was her family busine.

Each copper-headed thug
controlled a separate grade

And they all shared
the same nickname.

Fox.

- Ah-ha.
- Fox got a boyfriend.

- Shut up!
- He's not my boyfriend.

Oh, she's getting mad.

Fox was the only girl,
but when it came to bullying,

She wanted to smash
the glass ceiling...

Ow!

And use my head to break it.

- Fox! Fox! Fox!
- Fox! Fox! Fox!

Local authorities
have asked me to announce

They're having a raffle on
800 pounds of moose meat.

Welcome back, students.

Make your way to class
in an orderly fashion.

And would tommy dunphy report
to the vice principal's office.

Settle down, children.

Quickly.

Good morning, class.

We have some new students
joining us today.

Mark and ritchie, stand up.

Ritchie was filipino
and the only kid of colour

In a school that had the sum
diversity of a snowbank.

Yes, well, you may be seated.

Our principal
would like to say a few words

As we start our new year.

Thank you, sister margaret.

Who wants to play
a guessing game?

I smelled a trap.

I'm going to pass this
envelope around the classroom.

Feel the weight of it.

The shape of it.

Guess what's inside of it.

Is it a bible, sister?

Suck up.

Is it a frisbee, sister.

Frisbees are round, idiot.

A dump truck.

This...

Is...

A strap.

Corporal punishment
had been outlawed

But nobody told the nuns.

Boys and girls
who are sent to the office

Will receive three...

Straps to each hand.

Then you could come back here

With your sore red hands

And think about
what you have done.

Well,

Enough fun.

Sister margaret...

They're all yours.

Thank you, sister rose.

Very informative

As always.

Children, take out your
geography books.

Thanks for the chips, loser.

See you on the bus!

What the hell
do you have on your feet?

They're orthopaedics.

I didn't think
I needed orthopaedic shoes

But I stand corrected.

Why aren't you wearing sneakers?

Just be yourself.

I like a comfortable shoe.

I'm not a runner;
I'm more of a stroller.

I have asthma,
but I've always said

Asthma doesn't have me.

Oh, what kind of music
are you guys listening to?

Van halen.

Oh, I hear he is very good.

What kind of music do you like?

- Ah, the dreaded, "what kind f
music do you like?" question.

Well, I like all kinds of music.

Um...

Dean martin more than sinatra.

Well, I like early sinatra.

Not the new stuff.

- Weirdo.
- Ow!

I was not made for gym class.

I was an asthmatic
with fallen arches

And no hand-eye coordination.

I had excellent foot-mouth
coordination, though.

I'm mr. Byrne.

Today,

We are going to use
this parachute

To achieve physical excellence

As a team.

Where are your gym clothes?

I didn't bring 'em.

It's first day.

I-I didn't think that...

When it comes
to parachute-based sports,

We are only as strong
as our weakest link.

What's your name?

- Mark.
- What's your name?

I-I-I think he's ritchie.

We are only as strong

As mark and ritchie.

Parachute!

I'm going to call out two names

And those kids
are going to switch places.

- Don't pick me and ritchie.
Don't pick me and ritchie.

Mark and ritchie.

Parachute!

- The more I tried to get out,
the more I panicked.

And ritchie was no help.

Like in prison,

We got one hour a day
to eat outside in the yard.

Move it loser.

No matter how badly I had it,

Ritchie had it worse.

What stinks?

Oh, my god,
your lunch is disgusting.

What is that, dog?

Gross.

Is that what they eat
back in china?

The philippines.

He speaks!

What'd you say?

I'm not chinese.

I'm filipino.

The foxes were not interested

In the geographic segmentation
of asian countries.

The only way

To get a couple of foxes
away from their prey

Was with better prey.

Hey, guys.

So, ritchie, you want to
trade lunches?

- Hey!
- Hey!

Um...

Want some?

Sure.

I was not used to food
that had flavor.

The foods I was raised on
only had two colors:

White and beige.

Everything was boiled.

You knew supper was cooked when
all the windows fogged over.

That has got a kick.

Jeez, oi.

That's nuts.

What the hell is in this?

Finally,

A little pain and suffering
that I kind of liked.

Whoo.

Were you bullied?

How'd you ever guess?

No offense,
but I kind of figured.

You know, it's not
just you, you know,

I had a bully
when I was about your age.

He used to grind my face
into a snowbank

Until I begged for mercy.

And then, one day,

Just stopped.

What happened?

He died of the spanish flu.

It was a different time.

Anyway, I'm just saying

Gets better and all that,
that's all.

Great.

Glad I could be of help.

Oh.

Ah, it's not every day
we get steak,

But the first day of school
is a very special day.

It's not steak, it's moose meat.

- Oh, my god.
- Don't be so foolish.

Moose, cow, it's all the same.

Moose is just a boy cow.

I'm starving.

And speaking of meat,

I've been down
at the funeral home all day.

Ah, they put so much makeup
on poor tony walsh.

He looked like a
parisian hooker.

- Ooh.
- How was school?

Didn't you get the crap
beaten out of you or what?

Everybody saw dad
with the moose.

And there's a whole family
that wants to beat me up.

They made me guess
what a strap was.

And I couldn't
run under the parachute

Because of my dumb shoes.

And they made fun of me
'cause I don't like van halen

And a girl took my lunch.

So, I had to share chinese food
from the philippines

With my friend, ritchie.

Oh, you made a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I told you, just be yourself.

Mm!

Got a little piece
of windshield there.

Here.

- What's this...
- Shut up.

Just take it.

- But why...
- Shut up.

There's a fox at my school too.

Just don't let them
push you around.

Don't be such a wuss.

Hm.

Let's have seven.

I didn't mind being the
remote because in our house,

- Comedy was king.
- I'll take five.

Wayne and schuster,
bob hope, don rickles...

Give me nine.

I loved to see
the old man laugh.

Frank was great.

You know, a little booze.
We used to drink.

- You don't drink anymore?
- Not much.

Laughs when you drink.

In new york, when you saw
me at the copa -

Their laughter
made me realize something.

There's more than one way
to skin a fox.

What are you listening to,
dick, anne murray?

Oh, give it.

Get your own walkman.

Oh, that's right, you can't

'cause you live in
welfare housing.

Your family is so poor,
you take the trash in.

Why just be yourself
when you can be don rickles?

Fox is so poor that

I was at the park the other day

And the ducks were feeding her.

You know the difference between
fox's dad and a large pizza?

A large pizza
can feed a family of six.

No wonder fox was a bully.

Bullying felt great.

Hey, did you see that?

It's not her fault
her family's poor.

But she's a bully.

I know, but that
doesn't make it right.

With just five loaves
and two fishes?

With math.

Copy these equations.

I had never been sent
a note in my life.

But who was it from?

Who is that note for?

- Me, sister.
- Don't be silly.

That is a girl's handwriting.

- I-it could be for me.
- I mean, it's plausible.

Very well, if you won't
tell me who the note is for,

Then I'll give you a note
and you'll go to the office

And you'll get the strap.

And, fox, if you think
it's so funny,

Why don't you
accompany mr. Critch?

Sir, this is all my fault.

That's sweet,

But you're obviously
not involved.

You just got to give it time,

Let the kids
work themselves out.

- Now go.
- Yes, sir.

Don't tell sister
I didn't strap ya'.

She'll have my nuts.

And don't tell her I said nuts.

Fox.

This is early in the year
even from one of your crowd.

But I never did...

I don't want to hear it,
I'm sick of it.

I got blisters
from strapping you people.

Now get in here.

Hold your hand.

I'm so sorry.

When my brothers find out,

They're going to
kick the livin'...

Here.

Take it.

I don't need it.

I'm more of a vinyl guy anyway.

I'm just

Really, really sorry.

Okay?

I'm not your friend.

I know.

Ah!

- Oh, my god.
- Ow!

I'm taking your walkman, dick.

Sorry, just the way things are.

But thanks.

- It's okay.
- I deserve it.

Yeah.

Ow!

Way to go, sis!

Yeah!

Yeah, right.

- Punches for lunches.
- Yeah!

I think she likes you.

I don't see it.

Want to get a mr. Freezie?

My treat.

Sure, that'd be nice.

All of my life I had felt alone,

But now, at least,

I had someone to be alone with.