Son of a Critch (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Dead - full transcript

By the age of twelve,

I had seen more corpses
than most coroners.

My family didn't
throw parties.

We didn't
go to restaurants.

We socialized at wakes.

It's a sin, Alice,
but hardly a surprise.

He was such a heavy smoker
and all.

And all your second-hand smoke
didn't help either.

Oh, but, still, dear,
this is not on you.

Oh, there, there.

You just let it
all out, girl, yes.



Hell of a man.

We lost
a good one.

My life was more wakes
than birthday parties

And so I grew to love
the company that death brought.

Hm, say one for me
while you're down there.

There was only
one other person

Who loved a wake
as much as me...

My pop.

Oh, sweet Jesus,
what an ugly corpse!

I've seen
Christmas hamper turkeys

That were
better-stuffed.

I wouldn't be caught dead

- in that suit.
- Mm-hm.

Oh! Oh.



I'm so sorry
for your loss.

They did a really good job
on him.

90 years old
and he died too young.

He looks
just like himself.

A-and beautiful suit
you've got on him.

Oh.

Oh, it's all right.

*SON OF A CRITCH*
Season 01 Episode 02

Episode Title:
"Lordy, Lordy, Look Who’s Dead"

Aired on:
January 11, 2022.

I can't tell whether
he's come to pay his respects,

Or crawl in with the corpses.

Well, here comes
the honourable member,

Sniffing around for votes.

Tactless - I mean,
the body isn't even cold.

Well, the soup is, though.

Shocking!
Agh!

I'll be right back.

Pst! Do you want these?

No.

Oh, really?

Hm.

Paying your respects?

Well,

Came to the right undertaker.

Mr. Anderson is the best.

Top-notch.

I'm here for my
great-uncle.

Natural causes - no kids.

Lived a good, clean life.

No reason for tears.

It's not scary.

It's just like
a birthday party,

But in reverse.

Well, no presents,
just flowers.

But you do get cards.

When I go,
I want my obituary to read

"lordy, lordy,
look who's dead."

Maybe some plastic flamingos
on my grave?

- You know, I could...
- I never seen

A dead body before.

Her first corpse!

I couldn't believe my luck.

I didn't play hockey;
I couldn't dance,

But if there was one thing
I could do,

It was work a funeral home.

Allow me.

This was more like a party
than a wake.

The dead
I could handle.

It was the living
I feared.

Don't worry.

I go to one of these
a week.

I'd never seen
a young corpse before.

A Jean jacket?

I didn't know caul's
had casual Friday.

And the number seven basic-model
plywood casket with no inlay

And an off-white crepe interior
that seemed almost phoned in.

I was surprised
they didn't just

Throw him in a plastic bag
and toss him in the harbour.

So, who do
we have here?

My uncle Darby.

He moved away
when I was young.

Natural causes, or...

He got
stabbed in jail.

Everyone's gonna say he...

"Passed away suddenly."

That's how they'll write it up
in the paper.

Don't worry.

No one'll know.

Get up,
Darby!

You're not gonna let
a few old stabs

Keep ya' down, are ya?

He's gone, boy,
let him go!

You let go of me!
What are you even doing here?

You didn't even
like Darby!

What are you
talking about?

Want to
get out of here?

I know
a quiet little place

Where we could
get a bite to eat.

The woman over there.

How long
and what cause?

Easy.

She's got, like,
12 years, Max.

Heart attack.

Hm, okay, hm.

Buddy over there
with the long face

Over by the mass cards?

His mother lived
'til she was 92.

But he smokes a pipe.

Put him down
for six years.

Hm.

Okay, missy:

Your turn.

All right,
that woman over there

Kneeling by the casket.

Two years.
Hit by a truck?

- Oh-ho!
- She's a keeper!

I like the way
she thinks. Ha.

Come on.

I got us a ride
with Alice.

There's always room
in a widow's car.

We're between cars.

Thanks for being
so sweet.

I better
find my mom.

And there it was:

My first kiss.

And it happened
in a funeral home,

Which would be strange for some,
but not for me.

It was as natural
as if it had gone down

at a garden party.
And why not?

The legion made the sandwiches
for both events.

Things are
looking up.

The next day
she wasn't in school.

I wanted to ask
where she was,

but I didn't even
know her name!

Attention,
children!

Mr. Chafe is concerned

that part of your education
is lacking.

- I didn't mean for...
- Oh, don't.

You wanted it taught
and so it will be taught.

By you.

Take it away.

Huh.

Children!

Go ahead,
Mr. Chafe.

I expect to learn
a thing or two myself.

You're young men
and women now

and your bodies
are going to start to change.

The boys are going
to start to wear deodorant

and the girls
are gonna start wearing...

you know.

There comes a time
in life...

Yes, fox?

Do you mean sex?

- Yes!
- No!

I told you
if we taught reproduction

it would devolve into
a conversation about...

sex!

I already knew
everything I needed to know

about the birds
and the bees.

I was in love.

- What's her name?
- Huh?

What's her name?

Feeling chatty?

Why don't you
tell us

the parts of the
reproductive system?

See?

Children are just too young
to learn about such things.

Womb, fallopian tubes,
ovaries.

But you don't have
any of that, ritchie.

You only got
a dicky bird.

look what you started!

You're the one who asked
what a dicky-bird was, sister.

Not a very appropriate question,
if you ask me.

I will see you
in your office after school.

Get out your bibles.

Hello, neighbour!

What a surprise.

Need a cup of sugar
or you already sweet enough?

No, I need
a car, though.

Sick of
bumming rides.

How much are you
selling her for?

How about a deal
for an old friend?

Oh, no, Mary,
you don't want this one.

Station told me
to get rid of her.

Shocks are gone
and the brake pads

are as bald
as the tires.

Besides,
Mike would kill me.

Mike's not the one buying her,
though, is he?

Now, you take me
for a test drive right now

or I'm going to go into that
station and tell Mr. Butler

that you're refusing to sell
his junk because you're sexist!

You're not eating.

I'm not hungry.

You're in love
with the fox!

- You crazy?
- Why would you say that?

You must
like somebody.

You look miserable
and she's the only girl

that will
talk to us.

Okay.

But promise
you won't say anything.

I like what's-her-name.

Who?

That girl who
wasn't in class.

So, you like her,

But you don't
even know her name?

Well...

Do you mind
if I ask fox out, then?

Are you nuts?

You can't ask
fox out!

So, you do like her!

You can't have
all the girls!

Not what's-her-name
and fox!

Look at the
sucky babies!

The dreaded
fox brothers.

The only things that
differentiated them

From one another was their ages
and their mothers.

- Oh, gross!
- Japanese food.

I keep telling you:
I'm Filipino.

What'd you say?

I don't speak
Chinese!

The foxes' inability
to properly bully ritchie

was a stunning indictment
of the catholic school

Geography program.

You want
your sandwich back, geek?

Not really.

Well, you're not
getting it!

Okay.

I hear

You've got a crush
on my sister.

Who told you that?

Mr. Miyagi over there
just said it.

Mr. Miyagi
is Japanese.

Shut up,
short-round!

Vietnamese.

Try anything
with my sister

and I'll rip your nuts off,
feed 'em to your boyfriend,

Tell him
they're chicken balls.

That's Chinese!

Besides, he's not
into your sister.

He already told me
he likes somebody else.

Will you shut up?

You hear that?

This little tool
doesn't love you anymore.

Aw!

Heart burn!

Hey! What the hell?
What the hell are you doing?

What?

I got rid of them,
didn't I?

A little
to the right, Mary.

Look out!
To the left, now!

- Oh, which is it?
- Make up your bloody mind.

Driving
is like colouring;

You have to
stay inside the lines.

Too much stuff
on here!

You do have a license,
right?

- Don't be so foolish!
- Of course I do!

I use it for the I.D.
To cash cheques.

Pull over to the side!

Oh, mother!

Oh, how do I turn
this bloody siren off?

It's got me all
distracted!

That's not
our siren.

It's the cops.

Well, this steering
doesn't work!

I'm not paying
full price for this!

Good god!

Who the hell is calling
the house at this hour?

It's eight o'clock
at night!

Mary!
Telephone!

- Mike!
- Telephone!

In our house, everyone
could hear your conversation

even if they
didn't want to.

But they all
wanted to.

Well, somebody
answer it!

Hello?

My mother always
answered the phone

in a mildly
English accent.

Just one moment,
please.

My god, it's a girl!
For Mark!

- For Mark?
- What?

Good god,
what does she want?

How do you do?

May I ask
who's telephoning?

Some hussy
named Tina.

Tina!

I knew her name!

I finally had the missing piece
to the puzzle

of my 12-year-old heart.

Can I please
have the phone?

Hello?

Hi, it's me, Tina.

Oh, hi, Tina.

- Tina? Tina who?
- Who's Tina.

Tina from the
funeral home.

Tina Reardon?

Her uncle
was stabbed in prison.

Hard as nails,
that crowd!

Ask her if her mother
will do an interview

about the murder.

Uh, how you doing?

- I'm okay.
- Cool.

She's too hard
for you, Mark!

You'll get stabbed.

Wasn't hard
to find your number.

You're the only critch
on kenmount road.

- Only house, too.
- Cool.

I had a nice time
at the funeral home.

You want to,
I don't know,

Do something
some time?

Cool.

Oh, the boy is quite
the conversationalist.

Ah, do you want to
go to the park tomorrow,

Around two?

Meet you
by the swings.

Cool.

Tell her you think
she's pretty.

Ask her how many times
her uncle was stabbed.

I wanted to tell her
that I'd never felt so alive

in my young life

And we would always have
the joyful sadness

of the funeral home.

Tina,

I...

I...

No!
I don't have her number!

Well, you really
shagged that one up.

I'm going
to my room.

Everyone ju-just
leave me alone!

There's no better place
for a broken-hearted pre-teen

than his bedroom.

A private sanctuary where...

All right,
don't mind me.

I know you want
to be alone.

I'll be quiet
as a church mouse.

Oof!

Oh, ohh.

My dogs are barking.

Good night!
Hm, hm-hm-hm.

Oh, Jesus...

I can't smoke
lying down anymore.

I must be
getting old.

Do you want some
unsolicited advice?

Don't try anything
on the first date.

A woman
likes to be romanced.

A gentleman saves that stuff
for the second date.

And on our third date,

Your grandmother
told me she was pregnant!

Huh?!

Good night.

I had a date!

That is, if I could only
get to it.

How come
you're all dressed up?

You got a date!

Can I come?

No!

Where's Victoria park?

I think I've got to get
the route 2?

No, you take the route 3
then transfer at parade street.

Where's that?

You sure
you don't want me to come?

Okay, but promise you won't
follow us and be weird?

I promise.

I'll just watch you
guys from the bushes...

No weird stuff.

Okay.

Cool.

Can we get

two transfers,
please?

Hey, dicks.

- Oh, hi, fox!
- We've got a date!

- What?
- Uh, not with each other.

With a girl.

- Shut up! Shut up!
- Shut up!

Well, he has a girl,
I don't.

You're a girl,
so maybe we can double-date?

ow!

- What girl?
- He doesn't know her name.

My god,
yes, I do!

It's nothing!

Hey, driver,
I want a transfer, too.

Ohh...

Hey.

Hey.

So, come here often?

"Everything in my heart"
by Corey hart plays...

♪ I never
see the light ♪

Her hands were as soft as the
most expensive toilet paper

at the supermarket.

They were almost
as soft as mine.

♪ Couldn't imagine how ♪

♪ what I'm
supposed to do ♪

ow!!

Uncle!
Uncle!

I'll call you!

♪ Only thinking
of you ♪

♪ I'll do it
again ♪

I gotta go.

♪ Everything
in my heart ♪

My second kiss!

At this rate,

I'd be married
by my 13th birthday.

Nice work.

Wanna go
down the slide?

Race ya'!

Good god!

Who's calling the house
at this hour?

It's half past seven
at night!

I'll get it!

Hello?

Hi.

It's Tina,
the hussy.

That was amazing. I...

I'm breaking up
with you.

- What?
- Why?

I don't know.

'Cuz you're slack.

Slack?

What's slack?

She means
you didn't put out, son.

Oh, that's my fault.

Tell her
about the second date!

Slack?

Sister Rose was right:
We were too young for this.

Can't we just...

Hang on.

Just leave me alone!

That brazen
little hussy.

Oh, she better not
call here anymore!

You know, her father's
nowhere to be found.

I talked to Joan
down at the supermarket

and she told me that...

No, no, no.

Oh, mm.

I've got it.

Yeah, little surprise
for ya'.

Hm?

Ham and cheese.

Nice.

Mm.

Come on!

How was your date?

I guess
I'm not ready yet.

Oh...

Don't worry.

You will be.

Women are
what they call...

An acquired taste.

Like stale
funeral sandwiches?

Ah, Christ, no!

No.

I wish I could tell you
that it doesn't matter,

That you'll
forget her.

The truth is...

You'll always remember
the first one.

And the last.

Hm.

It's just the ones
in the middle

That don't seem to matter
all that much.

You just try and squeeze in
as many of those as you can.

Sitting there
on my bed

as pop and I polished off
the funeral sandwiches,

I learned two things:

One, you can't
hurry love.

And, two,

The pain of heartache
is no match for heartburn.

Ach.

Good night.

Good night, pop.

Oh, Jesus!