Solar Opposites (2020–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Edamame Duffle Bag - full transcript
Korvo goes full steam ahead with his model train hobby.
‐ What the heck happened to you?
‐ I was in a focus group
for a new Funyons hard seltzer.
I have a killer hangover,
and I keep coughing up salt,
so please everyone shut the fuck up.
‐ Korvo! Korvo! Korvo!
‐ Aah!
‐ Get out of here.
‐ Were those gender reveal canons?
‐ Yes, they were to reveal
an all‐new Korvo!
Korvo's Second Act!
2 Fast 2 Korvo!
Now that I'm not focusing on the mission
or fixing the ship,
I'm free to do whatever I want!
‐ You're still hung up on that?
We're not serialized.
Like that big, weird face on the wall?
We've never set that up.
‐ Tell that to... my new robe!
‐ Ooh, fashion!
‐ Please, just, could you hold off
on any big character changes
until my headache goes away?
‐ Sure, I‐I‐I'll just sit here
and think about ship repairs...
‐ Thank you.
‐ Is what the old Korvo would have said.
New Korvo has to practice
for a Stomp audition!
‐ Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Oh shit, there we go.
Nothing gets rid of a hangover
like a big ol' dump.
Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a pupa
and escaped into... the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
I don't‐‐ I don't understand hair.
Humans are always combing and creaming
and fawning over their hair.
Hair sucks.
A nice smooth dome with blue dots on it
is the ideal head.
‐ Damn, you look thicc, Pupa.
What's the deal?
‐ He gets all backed up with the stuff
he eats off the ground.
Terry's supposed to clean him out,
but he hates doing it.
Don't let him hear it's time or he'll hide
in the crawlspace under the house.
‐ We could do it.
Decluttering stuff is a passion of mine.
Like pottery or Korean hentai.
‐ Great. It's all yours.
See if Terry's retainer is in there.
His teeth are starting to look like
Justin drew them himself.
‐ Whoa, hold on,
cleaning out the Pupa isn't our job.
‐ Well, I'm busy.
‐ With what?
‐ Whatever da fuck I want.
‐ Why the hell did you say
we would do this?
I had big plans today.
I was gonna work on developing
a notithible lithp
to impreth hot chickth.
‐ Well, excuse me for caring
about the Pupa.
Don't be a butthole, dickwad.
‐ Whatever, let's just get this done.
There's a dead raccoon down here!
Hey, Korvo,
what do you want to fix today?
The xenon emitters are super fucked up.
‐ I'm freeing myself
from all that sci‐fi shit, Aisha.
I need to figure out something grounded.
What, like getting a job?
‐ Are there jobs that are fun,
with no boss,
and, like, make you feel
like you're doing something
even though you aren't?
That's called a hobby.
Here's a list of the 7,000
most popular American hobbies.
‐ Omit any that require
a fifth grade education.
None of them do. It's an American list.
‐ Perfect.
‐ Ugh, negative again.
‐ We'll just have to keep trying.
I really wish we could stop,
it's so annoying, having sex all the time.
It's like a goddamn bang bus up in here.
‐ Uh‐huh. I'm sure you're really put out.
I just have this hunch
that we're destined to conceive
the first baby in the Wall.
Wouldn't that be cool?
‐ Super cool.
And a couple of slabs of turkey jerky.
Wife wants me to up my protein.
‐ Bit by the baby bug, huh?
Been getting that a lot these days.
‐ I guess it's in the air.
‐ Hey, it's the Cricket Killer!
‐ On the house.
‐ No, I can't.
‐ You can do anything.
You saved the Wall twice!
‐ Wait up!
Hey, in my old life,
I‐I worked at Best Buy.
But now instead of constantly lying
and ripping people off,
I want to help them.
I want to be like you!
‐ No, you don't!
Sorry. Soldier reflexes.
‐ Ahhh! That was awesome!
I just got wall checked by a hero!
‐ Please tell me that's protein!
‐ How long are we going to hide you
in the back of this musty church?
‐ It's just until we know Pezlie is safe.
‐ I just wish I could tell Nova.
Newlyweds shouldn't have secrets.
‐ The truth will come out soon enough.
Mm, oh my god, this is so good.
You're my hero!
‐ Yeah, I get that a lot.
‐ According to WebMD,
we have to jack his mouth open
and climb inside.
‐ How? We're not gonna fit in there!
I can hardly even fit in my jeans
since we learned
how easy it is fry shrimp!
‐ I don't know, the Pupa's mysterious.
You want to read it?
‐ Reading's for narcs. Let's just do it.
You just keep watching TV
and don't swallow us.
‐ Paw Patrol!
Aah.
‐ Oh, Cherie! What a beautiful child.
Jesse's light is shining on us.
‐ This is Sister Sisto, my protege.
Our secrets are safe with her.
‐ I signed an NDA in blood.
It was a blood orange Fresca,
still legally binding.
‐ I can't thank you enough
for sheltering us for so long.
I just don't want anyone finding out
about Pezlie, especially Tim.
‐ Tim has lost his way.
The Bowinian church will protect you.
‐ Hopefully, it'll be a short stay.
Tim's guards change shifts at midnight.
I'll walk right in, knock him out,
and have him back here
before anyone knows he's gone.
‐ And then his lies will be revealed
to the rest of the Wall.
‐ Exactly. I'll stay in disguise
until we get to his inner chamber.
‐ You know, I don't‐‐
I don't think you should come.
‐ What the fuck are you talking about?
We've been preparing for this together.
‐ You're emotionally invested.
This requires a cool head and focus.
‐ I need to see the look in Tim's eyes
when he sees that I'm alive
and I'm exposing him for the fraud he is.
‐ This is my new thing.
I'm a hot sauce guy from now on.
Look at all these hilarious labels.
Ass Blastin' Hot?
Doesn't get any better than that.
Feels good to finally have something
that's all me.
‐ Yee‐haw! I'm Tomatillo Terry.
W‐w‐what are you doing here?
‐ I'm always hot saucing
on the weekend, my dude.
Yep, I've got the sixth most popular
tomatillo in the county.
My sauce was featured
on MasterChef: Behind Bars.
That's the one they film in prison.
Every recipe requires toilet water
and shoe shine.
‐ Dammit, I‐I don't want
to share my hobby with you.
I want my own!
‐ Time to silently knit up in this bitch.
Agh!
‐ I heard on Twitter
that Bad Bunny has a cold,
so I'm knitting him a snuggie!
‐ I have never seen you knit!
‐ Bullshit. I homespun you those
Animal Crossing‐themed boot socks.
Those were from Hot Topic!
‐ We're doing a collab.
Ow, ow, oh my God!
Korvo, I think there are needles
in my eyes!
Korvo? I can't see!
I feel like Duncan in that movie
Prince of Thieves.
Do you remember
that movie, Prince of Thieves?
The character of Duncan?
Oh, they took his eyes. That's me now!
‐ Yes, this is it. This is gonna be
my jam, baby.
Wheeee!
‐ Fuck!
‐ Wheeee!
‐ This one better work,
or it's back to being myself.
‐ Is, uh, Terry here? Green alien?
Super hot and moist?
Whimsical T‐shirts?
‐ Nope, you're my first alien.
‐ Yes! If another one comes in,
tell him to fuck off.
Trains are mine!
‐ I don't know, son. This ain't a hobby
for the faint of heart.
‐ I have three hearts.
‐ It'll consume all your time,
ostracize you from your friends,
and basically take over your life.
‐ Alright, enough with the foreplay.
How much to get me
into a miniature caboose today?
‐ Is this some sort of
competitive hobby thing
with your alien husband
or do you actually care
about the locomotive arts?
‐ I have unlimited budget
and zero self‐control.
‐ Cabooses are right over here!
‐ Wow, I guess Pupa's bigger
on the inside?
A real biological marvel, this guy.
‐ Agh, it smells like hotdog water.
‐ Hotdog water
never backs you up that bad.
What do you think he got into?
‐ I don't know!
I don't even want to be here.
‐ Don't be a whiner, Yumyulack.
We can leave when we're done.
Ugh, I got a waffle maker,
ugh, one of those blacklight
Bob Marley posters,
and, oh, a koosh ball!
‐ Yeah, I got a‐‐
I got a couple arms, some pogs,
a ton of forks, and so many dead gooblers.
Ugh! This is gonna take forever.
Thanks a lot for opening your dumb mouth.
‐ Hey, come back, where are you going?
If we're stuck here,
I wanna be as far from you as possible.
‐ Hold it. That's the alarm system.
Gen 5 Furby.
Motion sensors better than the Pentagon's.
‐ I got this.
‐ One wrong step, that Gizmo triggers,
and Tim's guards will hear
its moans and creepy phrases.
That's why we spent weeks
practicing Capoeira.
Let's dance.
‐ And after passing
the Atlanta Trap Music Museum,
the train takes five seconds
to reach the Tyler Perry Studios.
‐ Korvo, this is amazing train work.
You keep this up and you'll find yourself
on the cover of Chugga!
Ohh!
Aisha, have you seen
my model Lululemon store?
Damn, Korvo.
I just scanned your happiness rating,
and it's an eight out of ten million.
That's the highest it's ever been.
You okay?
‐ It's simple: I'm a train man.
I find bliss in the rails.
Now that you have a hobby,
let's get back to cleaning up
the xenon in my vents.
‐ Yeah, right! I'm never fixing you again!
This is who I am now.
Look at my conductor hat!
Ohh. My Lulu!
Korvo! Get back here!
If you were a real basic bitch,
you'd call it Lemon!
But I can't lie, that hat looked good.
‐ Something's wrong.
‐ What a shithole.
At least Ringo kept it tidy up here.
‐ It wasn't always like this.
‐ Shh! I hear voices!
‐ Someone else is here. We should go.
‐ No way. We've come too far.
‐ Cherie! Dammit.
...absolutely in
the top ten best albums.
No, I'm not saying we remove
any Beatles album.
Oh no, wait. Wait.
We forgot about Kendrick Lamar.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
You can't talk to me like that.
I'm the boss around here,
and if I say Home Alone takes place
in the same cinematic universe
as Curly Sue,
then that's what it's gotta be.
‐ What the fuck is he doing?
‐ I don't know.
...raw like this.
You're my fuckin' boys.
‐ You know those guys are dead.
‐ Cherie?
Cherie, is it really you?
‐ Bet you didn't think you'd ever see
this bad bitch again.
‐ I see you all the time.
We have a standing date
to do the crossword together.
Neapolitan, 10 across. Remember?
You told me
you were gonna get into jogging.
‐ What are you talking about?
‐ Hey, I'm sorry I killed you
but, hey, now we're ghost friends,
just like Ethan and my Walldermen.
Right, guys?
Hey, okay, enough sailor talk,
there's a lady present.
‐ Uhhh, he thinks I'm a ghost.
‐ What does that even‐‐
‐ Halk!
Why are you a ghost?
Whoa. That's cool.
I didn't even have to kill you.
You backed up my lie,
the whole cricket thing, remember?
‐ I'm not here to listen
to your shit anymore.
‐ Look at him. I think he's really sick.
‐ Aw, man. Running out of teeth.
Oh, so thirsty. Gotta have a drink.
‐ Wait a minute‐‐
‐ Tim, what do you remember?
How did I die?
‐ Oh boy, here we go again.
She really loves to make me say it.
I betrayed you.
Stabbed you through
with a toothpick cane because‐‐
Because I wanted to rule the Wall.
And I've regretted it ever since.
Every single night, nightmares.
I'm constantly having nightmares.
‐ What the hell happened to him?
‐ I think I know. Look.
The Burger King glass?
‐ Vintage 1983.
Had the whole set when I was a kid.
They don't sell 'em anymore.
‐ So? Glass can't make you sick.
‐ Not the glass.
The paint. It's lead, made in China.
Poison to the touch,
they had to recall them
'cause they made kids sick.
Real‐size kids.
Tim's only a jelly bean and a half tall.
‐ Jesus, he's been drinking out of it
for at least a year.
Cooked his backstabbing little brain.
He'll be dead in a week.
‐ Perfect.
Let's get out of here.
He did our job for us.
‐ We still have to kidnap him.
‐ What? This is what we wanted!
‐ No! I want justice.
‐ Cherie, come on, take a win
when you're handed one.
‐ I want him fully cognizant
when we expose his ass
or no one will believe us.
Give me the edamame pod.
I'll smuggle him out myself.
‐ I'm not helping you save him.
The whole point was to take him out.
‐ Halk, don't make me do this.
If we don't expose the lies,
this will keep happening!
Pezlie needs to live in a Wall
based on truth.
Not on his lies and not on yours.
‐ You're right.
‐ Congratulations on growing a conscience.
‐ Hey, guys, check out this tiny Lulu‐‐
Terry?
‐ Oh hey, K‐dog.
Check this out. And feel free to video it
so you can do it at home.
Choo‐choo, motha fuckers!
‐ Holy shit!
‐ Damn, this guy's cool.
‐ No, no. He hates model trains!
‐ Really? 'Cause Terry was just
pitching us his model town idea.
‐ You know Candyland, right?
Picture, like, mountains of Lemonheads
and train tracks of candy cigarettes!
‐ That's stupid! And it's not realistic.
It's as basic as
a Christmas gingerbread house.
‐ We've been encouraging Terry
to get into model trains.
The more the merrier, right?
‐ The more the shittier!
‐ Aw, come on, Korvo.
Nothing gets me going
like a hobby with a magazine.
Makes me want to do‐‐
‐ Don't you segue into a montage‐‐
‐ A montage!
Mm, mm, mm.
‐ What do you think you're doing?
‐ Judge Dredd's on vacation
from Mega‐City One.
Just a li'l gift from me to you.
‐ Dystopian law enforcement officers
don't fit in with my motif.
‐ What about the White Hen Pantry I added?
It's a regional Chicago option
for when 7‐Eleven is too classy.
‐ Would you get that crap outta here!
My town is too bougie for a White Hen.
‐ They've got unbeatable deals
on individual Kraft singles.
Not packaged for retail,
but that's not gonna stop the Hen,
you know what I'm sayin'?
‐ No, I don't know
what you're sayin', Terry!
I‐I hate you! You're ruining everything!
‐ But we're just having fun!
‐ It's not fun! It's my life!
Thinks he can take trains from me.
I'll show him. I'll show them all.
‐ Babe? That you?
Uh, what the hell?
Korvo? Did you move the house?
No!
I invented a model train ray.
It makes trains, towns, and rails
all at slightly larger than scale!
‐ Wow, K. This model is spectacular.
‐ Ooh, look out, here comes the 9:15!
‐ The fuck? It's huge!
Where does it even go?
‐ It's exactly 1.2:1 scale
of an actual train,
and it goes... across the whole continent!
What the hell?
Someone told me the huge,
destructive train
was coming from the alien house,
but I didn't want to believe it.
‐ We're getting calls
from all over the country.
You can't just put rails
wherever you want!
‐ Fuck you! Trains for life!
‐ He gave us no choice.
We're gonna have to kill him.
Okay, boys, turn those body cams off!
‐ Oh no, Korvo!
‐ Ah! Huh!
‐ Train check, bitch!
‐ That's breaking the rules!
No real trains allowed!
‐ I'm trying to save you, you stupid man.
‐ Save this!
You'll never win this, Terry!
My train makes its own rails.
‐ Ahh!
Watch out for the mountain!
‐ You just broke
my plastic mountain, asshole!
That was expensive!
‐ Oh yeah? What are you going
to do about it, ese?
‐ I'm going to Tokyo drift!
Crap, crap, crap! Don't hit me!
‐ Nooooo!
‐ Grab my hand like they did in True Lies.
‐ Why wouldn't you say,
"Like in Cliffhanger"?
You know I love that movie.
‐ Yeah, but I don't!
Jon Lithgow as the villain, no, thank you!
Well, that's the end of trains.
How about you start a blog
or find some room for Christ
in your faithless, shallow life?
‐ You can't take away my hobby
if I am the hobby!
‐ Easy there, Korvo.
That ray makes plastic libraries.
‐ And now it will make me a god!
‐ Holy shit,
a 1929 CCR double XL triple steam liner!
‐ Stop that, get off of me.
I‐I‐I'm happy as a train!
‐ Hell yes! Ethan Hunt over here!
Mission: Possible, baby!
Wait, I can do it better.
Ah crap, that was worse.
I gotta try again.
Don't have much time.
‐ Hey. A stub from when we saw Gotti
in IMAX 3D.
Remember how Travolta's wig popped
right out of the screen?
‐ Aw, that movie sucked butts.
Pupa ate that, huh?
‐ I guess he's not picky.
Sorry if I was being
a biatch earlier. I just‐‐
‐
Yumyulack? Yumyulack?
Oh no, it's, it's, it's a‐‐
A javelina!
‐ We gotta get to the mouth!
‐ Gah, Javelina!
Ha!
I recognize this bite pattern.
That's the shape of Terry's retainer.
The Javelina must be wearing it.
‐ But why? Javelinas are famous
for eschewing dental hygiene.
‐ Aw, he must be stressed out
and grinding his teeth.
‐ I mean, who wouldn't be
when they live inside the Pupa?
‐ Ow!
Okay, Terry, time to be the hero.
Just stay focused and‐‐ What the fuck?
Oh, a framed fuckin' photo of
Polar Express Tom Hanks but none of me?
Goddammit, Terry, stay on point.
It's time to stop this train.
Stickers? No! No!
They're all stickers? Oh my God!
I'm still a model, you dumbass!
You better get out of me right now.
I'm going to end it all
by crashing into Union Station
just like in Silver Streak.
‐ But you'll die and I will too.
And all the chains at Union Station.
The Dunkin Donuts
and the Jared's Jeweler‐‐ Jewelry store.
‐ But if I don't have my hobby,
what‐what am I?
Without trains, I might as well be dead.
‐ Korvo, you aren't what you do.
You're who you love. And that's me.
‐ But you have all your own hobbies.
‐ And I wanted to share them
with you, you fool.
Why do you think I started train‐ing
in the first place?
So we could do it together.
‐ Really? Together?
You mean we can be like Stan and Barb
from down the block
that started that homemade
candle company together?
‐ Yes! But not as desperate
and lame as them
because we don't have their debt problems.
‐ Thank you, Terry.
That's all I needed to hear.
I... I will stop being a train.
‐ Alright! Woo!
Wait, why aren't you slowing down?
‐ I'm a long‐ass train.
It takes like ten minutes
to come to a stop.
My‐my‐my brakes are a little rusty.
And I'm dehydrated.
‐ Alright, okay.
It just doesn't seem any slower.
‐ You try slowing down
with this big of a caboose.
‐ Ugh, trains are so dorky.
Cool things stop fast!
Like motorcycles.
Maybe become a motorcycle next time.
Think about that.
What?
Is saving my life boring to you?
You want me to still Silver Streak?
No.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Stupid trains. I'm over it.
Hey!
Ooo‐aaa. Feed Me! Tell me a joke!
‐ Hey! Where are you going with that?
‐ Uhhh‐‐
‐ You're supposed to be
in that edamame line over there.
‐ Sister! We have him but‐‐
‐ He looks like he has lead poisoning
from some kind of fast food novelty glass.
‐ She's good.
I can nurse him back to health.
Everyone! It's a Code Red!
‐ You hear that, Pezlie? We did it.
From now on, this will be a wall of truth.
‐ Let's get you some help, little fella!
‐ This javelina needs a mouth guard.
He's been grinding his teeth, see?
‐ Dude, why would we be here
if we didn't already know that?
‐ Go on, Javelina.
Go where the javelinas go.
Be free out in the woods,
doing javelina things.
‐ We'll text you a reminder
for your six‐month checkup!
‐ See? When we work together,
we can do anything.
‐ Sorry I was a dick back in the Pupa.
‐ I'm sorry too. But, hey, we both got
retainers out of it.
And next time, we'll crawl
under the house before Terry does.
Ech.
‐ Aagh.
‐ Hey, good job cleaning out the Pupes.
He's in a much better mood.
‐ Hmm. He had a javelina in him.
‐ What?
‐ Javelina.
Inside the Pupa, it had your mouth guard?
‐ Yeah, right.
The Pupa's javelina died last year
from accidentally eating some rat poison.
‐ But that means‐‐
It was a ghost!
That's stupid,
there's no such thing as ghosts.
‐ Um, yes, there is, we took one
to the periodontist today.
‐ Why would you not believe in ghosts?
You're a train.
‐ I'm only a train because I lost
my model ray somewhere in Nevada.
I'm reverting back to normal.
It's just going to take a while.
‐ Sorry you don't have
a hobby anymore, Korvo.
‐ It's okay. Terry and I are going
to do a hobby together.
‐ Yay!
And you promised you would make
a real effort to like it.
‐ Yes. Once my body is back.
I promise to like it.
W‐what did you have in mind?
‐ This is my all‐time favorite hobby.
‐ What is? I‐I can't see
what's at the front of the line.
‐ No, this. We're doing it.
‐ Doing what?
‐ Standing in line,
it's my favorite hobby.
‐ What we're doing right now is it?
Y‐y‐you love waiting in lines?
‐ You promised to try!
‐ I know I did!
‐ Korvo!
‐ Whatever.
It's just a dumb line.
I‐I‐I'll give it a chance.
‐ Yeah! Line time, baby!
‐ This is so stupid.
How long are we supposed to stand
in this line anyway?
Wow, w‐we're still here.
Huh, I thought once the credits started,
we'd crash to black and be out of here.
You know what,
once the production cards hit,
we'll be on to the next episode
and this will be done.
Just a little bit longer.
‐ I was in a focus group
for a new Funyons hard seltzer.
I have a killer hangover,
and I keep coughing up salt,
so please everyone shut the fuck up.
‐ Korvo! Korvo! Korvo!
‐ Aah!
‐ Get out of here.
‐ Were those gender reveal canons?
‐ Yes, they were to reveal
an all‐new Korvo!
Korvo's Second Act!
2 Fast 2 Korvo!
Now that I'm not focusing on the mission
or fixing the ship,
I'm free to do whatever I want!
‐ You're still hung up on that?
We're not serialized.
Like that big, weird face on the wall?
We've never set that up.
‐ Tell that to... my new robe!
‐ Ooh, fashion!
‐ Please, just, could you hold off
on any big character changes
until my headache goes away?
‐ Sure, I‐I‐I'll just sit here
and think about ship repairs...
‐ Thank you.
‐ Is what the old Korvo would have said.
New Korvo has to practice
for a Stomp audition!
‐ Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Oh shit, there we go.
Nothing gets rid of a hangover
like a big ol' dump.
Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a pupa
and escaped into... the space,
searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking
this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
This is‐‐ this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
I don't‐‐ I don't understand hair.
Humans are always combing and creaming
and fawning over their hair.
Hair sucks.
A nice smooth dome with blue dots on it
is the ideal head.
‐ Damn, you look thicc, Pupa.
What's the deal?
‐ He gets all backed up with the stuff
he eats off the ground.
Terry's supposed to clean him out,
but he hates doing it.
Don't let him hear it's time or he'll hide
in the crawlspace under the house.
‐ We could do it.
Decluttering stuff is a passion of mine.
Like pottery or Korean hentai.
‐ Great. It's all yours.
See if Terry's retainer is in there.
His teeth are starting to look like
Justin drew them himself.
‐ Whoa, hold on,
cleaning out the Pupa isn't our job.
‐ Well, I'm busy.
‐ With what?
‐ Whatever da fuck I want.
‐ Why the hell did you say
we would do this?
I had big plans today.
I was gonna work on developing
a notithible lithp
to impreth hot chickth.
‐ Well, excuse me for caring
about the Pupa.
Don't be a butthole, dickwad.
‐ Whatever, let's just get this done.
There's a dead raccoon down here!
Hey, Korvo,
what do you want to fix today?
The xenon emitters are super fucked up.
‐ I'm freeing myself
from all that sci‐fi shit, Aisha.
I need to figure out something grounded.
What, like getting a job?
‐ Are there jobs that are fun,
with no boss,
and, like, make you feel
like you're doing something
even though you aren't?
That's called a hobby.
Here's a list of the 7,000
most popular American hobbies.
‐ Omit any that require
a fifth grade education.
None of them do. It's an American list.
‐ Perfect.
‐ Ugh, negative again.
‐ We'll just have to keep trying.
I really wish we could stop,
it's so annoying, having sex all the time.
It's like a goddamn bang bus up in here.
‐ Uh‐huh. I'm sure you're really put out.
I just have this hunch
that we're destined to conceive
the first baby in the Wall.
Wouldn't that be cool?
‐ Super cool.
And a couple of slabs of turkey jerky.
Wife wants me to up my protein.
‐ Bit by the baby bug, huh?
Been getting that a lot these days.
‐ I guess it's in the air.
‐ Hey, it's the Cricket Killer!
‐ On the house.
‐ No, I can't.
‐ You can do anything.
You saved the Wall twice!
‐ Wait up!
Hey, in my old life,
I‐I worked at Best Buy.
But now instead of constantly lying
and ripping people off,
I want to help them.
I want to be like you!
‐ No, you don't!
Sorry. Soldier reflexes.
‐ Ahhh! That was awesome!
I just got wall checked by a hero!
‐ Please tell me that's protein!
‐ How long are we going to hide you
in the back of this musty church?
‐ It's just until we know Pezlie is safe.
‐ I just wish I could tell Nova.
Newlyweds shouldn't have secrets.
‐ The truth will come out soon enough.
Mm, oh my god, this is so good.
You're my hero!
‐ Yeah, I get that a lot.
‐ According to WebMD,
we have to jack his mouth open
and climb inside.
‐ How? We're not gonna fit in there!
I can hardly even fit in my jeans
since we learned
how easy it is fry shrimp!
‐ I don't know, the Pupa's mysterious.
You want to read it?
‐ Reading's for narcs. Let's just do it.
You just keep watching TV
and don't swallow us.
‐ Paw Patrol!
Aah.
‐ Oh, Cherie! What a beautiful child.
Jesse's light is shining on us.
‐ This is Sister Sisto, my protege.
Our secrets are safe with her.
‐ I signed an NDA in blood.
It was a blood orange Fresca,
still legally binding.
‐ I can't thank you enough
for sheltering us for so long.
I just don't want anyone finding out
about Pezlie, especially Tim.
‐ Tim has lost his way.
The Bowinian church will protect you.
‐ Hopefully, it'll be a short stay.
Tim's guards change shifts at midnight.
I'll walk right in, knock him out,
and have him back here
before anyone knows he's gone.
‐ And then his lies will be revealed
to the rest of the Wall.
‐ Exactly. I'll stay in disguise
until we get to his inner chamber.
‐ You know, I don't‐‐
I don't think you should come.
‐ What the fuck are you talking about?
We've been preparing for this together.
‐ You're emotionally invested.
This requires a cool head and focus.
‐ I need to see the look in Tim's eyes
when he sees that I'm alive
and I'm exposing him for the fraud he is.
‐ This is my new thing.
I'm a hot sauce guy from now on.
Look at all these hilarious labels.
Ass Blastin' Hot?
Doesn't get any better than that.
Feels good to finally have something
that's all me.
‐ Yee‐haw! I'm Tomatillo Terry.
W‐w‐what are you doing here?
‐ I'm always hot saucing
on the weekend, my dude.
Yep, I've got the sixth most popular
tomatillo in the county.
My sauce was featured
on MasterChef: Behind Bars.
That's the one they film in prison.
Every recipe requires toilet water
and shoe shine.
‐ Dammit, I‐I don't want
to share my hobby with you.
I want my own!
‐ Time to silently knit up in this bitch.
Agh!
‐ I heard on Twitter
that Bad Bunny has a cold,
so I'm knitting him a snuggie!
‐ I have never seen you knit!
‐ Bullshit. I homespun you those
Animal Crossing‐themed boot socks.
Those were from Hot Topic!
‐ We're doing a collab.
Ow, ow, oh my God!
Korvo, I think there are needles
in my eyes!
Korvo? I can't see!
I feel like Duncan in that movie
Prince of Thieves.
Do you remember
that movie, Prince of Thieves?
The character of Duncan?
Oh, they took his eyes. That's me now!
‐ Yes, this is it. This is gonna be
my jam, baby.
Wheeee!
‐ Fuck!
‐ Wheeee!
‐ This one better work,
or it's back to being myself.
‐ Is, uh, Terry here? Green alien?
Super hot and moist?
Whimsical T‐shirts?
‐ Nope, you're my first alien.
‐ Yes! If another one comes in,
tell him to fuck off.
Trains are mine!
‐ I don't know, son. This ain't a hobby
for the faint of heart.
‐ I have three hearts.
‐ It'll consume all your time,
ostracize you from your friends,
and basically take over your life.
‐ Alright, enough with the foreplay.
How much to get me
into a miniature caboose today?
‐ Is this some sort of
competitive hobby thing
with your alien husband
or do you actually care
about the locomotive arts?
‐ I have unlimited budget
and zero self‐control.
‐ Cabooses are right over here!
‐ Wow, I guess Pupa's bigger
on the inside?
A real biological marvel, this guy.
‐ Agh, it smells like hotdog water.
‐ Hotdog water
never backs you up that bad.
What do you think he got into?
‐ I don't know!
I don't even want to be here.
‐ Don't be a whiner, Yumyulack.
We can leave when we're done.
Ugh, I got a waffle maker,
ugh, one of those blacklight
Bob Marley posters,
and, oh, a koosh ball!
‐ Yeah, I got a‐‐
I got a couple arms, some pogs,
a ton of forks, and so many dead gooblers.
Ugh! This is gonna take forever.
Thanks a lot for opening your dumb mouth.
‐ Hey, come back, where are you going?
If we're stuck here,
I wanna be as far from you as possible.
‐ Hold it. That's the alarm system.
Gen 5 Furby.
Motion sensors better than the Pentagon's.
‐ I got this.
‐ One wrong step, that Gizmo triggers,
and Tim's guards will hear
its moans and creepy phrases.
That's why we spent weeks
practicing Capoeira.
Let's dance.
‐ And after passing
the Atlanta Trap Music Museum,
the train takes five seconds
to reach the Tyler Perry Studios.
‐ Korvo, this is amazing train work.
You keep this up and you'll find yourself
on the cover of Chugga!
Ohh!
Aisha, have you seen
my model Lululemon store?
Damn, Korvo.
I just scanned your happiness rating,
and it's an eight out of ten million.
That's the highest it's ever been.
You okay?
‐ It's simple: I'm a train man.
I find bliss in the rails.
Now that you have a hobby,
let's get back to cleaning up
the xenon in my vents.
‐ Yeah, right! I'm never fixing you again!
This is who I am now.
Look at my conductor hat!
Ohh. My Lulu!
Korvo! Get back here!
If you were a real basic bitch,
you'd call it Lemon!
But I can't lie, that hat looked good.
‐ Something's wrong.
‐ What a shithole.
At least Ringo kept it tidy up here.
‐ It wasn't always like this.
‐ Shh! I hear voices!
‐ Someone else is here. We should go.
‐ No way. We've come too far.
‐ Cherie! Dammit.
...absolutely in
the top ten best albums.
No, I'm not saying we remove
any Beatles album.
Oh no, wait. Wait.
We forgot about Kendrick Lamar.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
You can't talk to me like that.
I'm the boss around here,
and if I say Home Alone takes place
in the same cinematic universe
as Curly Sue,
then that's what it's gotta be.
‐ What the fuck is he doing?
‐ I don't know.
...raw like this.
You're my fuckin' boys.
‐ You know those guys are dead.
‐ Cherie?
Cherie, is it really you?
‐ Bet you didn't think you'd ever see
this bad bitch again.
‐ I see you all the time.
We have a standing date
to do the crossword together.
Neapolitan, 10 across. Remember?
You told me
you were gonna get into jogging.
‐ What are you talking about?
‐ Hey, I'm sorry I killed you
but, hey, now we're ghost friends,
just like Ethan and my Walldermen.
Right, guys?
Hey, okay, enough sailor talk,
there's a lady present.
‐ Uhhh, he thinks I'm a ghost.
‐ What does that even‐‐
‐ Halk!
Why are you a ghost?
Whoa. That's cool.
I didn't even have to kill you.
You backed up my lie,
the whole cricket thing, remember?
‐ I'm not here to listen
to your shit anymore.
‐ Look at him. I think he's really sick.
‐ Aw, man. Running out of teeth.
Oh, so thirsty. Gotta have a drink.
‐ Wait a minute‐‐
‐ Tim, what do you remember?
How did I die?
‐ Oh boy, here we go again.
She really loves to make me say it.
I betrayed you.
Stabbed you through
with a toothpick cane because‐‐
Because I wanted to rule the Wall.
And I've regretted it ever since.
Every single night, nightmares.
I'm constantly having nightmares.
‐ What the hell happened to him?
‐ I think I know. Look.
The Burger King glass?
‐ Vintage 1983.
Had the whole set when I was a kid.
They don't sell 'em anymore.
‐ So? Glass can't make you sick.
‐ Not the glass.
The paint. It's lead, made in China.
Poison to the touch,
they had to recall them
'cause they made kids sick.
Real‐size kids.
Tim's only a jelly bean and a half tall.
‐ Jesus, he's been drinking out of it
for at least a year.
Cooked his backstabbing little brain.
He'll be dead in a week.
‐ Perfect.
Let's get out of here.
He did our job for us.
‐ We still have to kidnap him.
‐ What? This is what we wanted!
‐ No! I want justice.
‐ Cherie, come on, take a win
when you're handed one.
‐ I want him fully cognizant
when we expose his ass
or no one will believe us.
Give me the edamame pod.
I'll smuggle him out myself.
‐ I'm not helping you save him.
The whole point was to take him out.
‐ Halk, don't make me do this.
If we don't expose the lies,
this will keep happening!
Pezlie needs to live in a Wall
based on truth.
Not on his lies and not on yours.
‐ You're right.
‐ Congratulations on growing a conscience.
‐ Hey, guys, check out this tiny Lulu‐‐
Terry?
‐ Oh hey, K‐dog.
Check this out. And feel free to video it
so you can do it at home.
Choo‐choo, motha fuckers!
‐ Holy shit!
‐ Damn, this guy's cool.
‐ No, no. He hates model trains!
‐ Really? 'Cause Terry was just
pitching us his model town idea.
‐ You know Candyland, right?
Picture, like, mountains of Lemonheads
and train tracks of candy cigarettes!
‐ That's stupid! And it's not realistic.
It's as basic as
a Christmas gingerbread house.
‐ We've been encouraging Terry
to get into model trains.
The more the merrier, right?
‐ The more the shittier!
‐ Aw, come on, Korvo.
Nothing gets me going
like a hobby with a magazine.
Makes me want to do‐‐
‐ Don't you segue into a montage‐‐
‐ A montage!
Mm, mm, mm.
‐ What do you think you're doing?
‐ Judge Dredd's on vacation
from Mega‐City One.
Just a li'l gift from me to you.
‐ Dystopian law enforcement officers
don't fit in with my motif.
‐ What about the White Hen Pantry I added?
It's a regional Chicago option
for when 7‐Eleven is too classy.
‐ Would you get that crap outta here!
My town is too bougie for a White Hen.
‐ They've got unbeatable deals
on individual Kraft singles.
Not packaged for retail,
but that's not gonna stop the Hen,
you know what I'm sayin'?
‐ No, I don't know
what you're sayin', Terry!
I‐I hate you! You're ruining everything!
‐ But we're just having fun!
‐ It's not fun! It's my life!
Thinks he can take trains from me.
I'll show him. I'll show them all.
‐ Babe? That you?
Uh, what the hell?
Korvo? Did you move the house?
No!
I invented a model train ray.
It makes trains, towns, and rails
all at slightly larger than scale!
‐ Wow, K. This model is spectacular.
‐ Ooh, look out, here comes the 9:15!
‐ The fuck? It's huge!
Where does it even go?
‐ It's exactly 1.2:1 scale
of an actual train,
and it goes... across the whole continent!
What the hell?
Someone told me the huge,
destructive train
was coming from the alien house,
but I didn't want to believe it.
‐ We're getting calls
from all over the country.
You can't just put rails
wherever you want!
‐ Fuck you! Trains for life!
‐ He gave us no choice.
We're gonna have to kill him.
Okay, boys, turn those body cams off!
‐ Oh no, Korvo!
‐ Ah! Huh!
‐ Train check, bitch!
‐ That's breaking the rules!
No real trains allowed!
‐ I'm trying to save you, you stupid man.
‐ Save this!
You'll never win this, Terry!
My train makes its own rails.
‐ Ahh!
Watch out for the mountain!
‐ You just broke
my plastic mountain, asshole!
That was expensive!
‐ Oh yeah? What are you going
to do about it, ese?
‐ I'm going to Tokyo drift!
Crap, crap, crap! Don't hit me!
‐ Nooooo!
‐ Grab my hand like they did in True Lies.
‐ Why wouldn't you say,
"Like in Cliffhanger"?
You know I love that movie.
‐ Yeah, but I don't!
Jon Lithgow as the villain, no, thank you!
Well, that's the end of trains.
How about you start a blog
or find some room for Christ
in your faithless, shallow life?
‐ You can't take away my hobby
if I am the hobby!
‐ Easy there, Korvo.
That ray makes plastic libraries.
‐ And now it will make me a god!
‐ Holy shit,
a 1929 CCR double XL triple steam liner!
‐ Stop that, get off of me.
I‐I‐I'm happy as a train!
‐ Hell yes! Ethan Hunt over here!
Mission: Possible, baby!
Wait, I can do it better.
Ah crap, that was worse.
I gotta try again.
Don't have much time.
‐ Hey. A stub from when we saw Gotti
in IMAX 3D.
Remember how Travolta's wig popped
right out of the screen?
‐ Aw, that movie sucked butts.
Pupa ate that, huh?
‐ I guess he's not picky.
Sorry if I was being
a biatch earlier. I just‐‐
‐
Yumyulack? Yumyulack?
Oh no, it's, it's, it's a‐‐
A javelina!
‐ We gotta get to the mouth!
‐ Gah, Javelina!
Ha!
I recognize this bite pattern.
That's the shape of Terry's retainer.
The Javelina must be wearing it.
‐ But why? Javelinas are famous
for eschewing dental hygiene.
‐ Aw, he must be stressed out
and grinding his teeth.
‐ I mean, who wouldn't be
when they live inside the Pupa?
‐ Ow!
Okay, Terry, time to be the hero.
Just stay focused and‐‐ What the fuck?
Oh, a framed fuckin' photo of
Polar Express Tom Hanks but none of me?
Goddammit, Terry, stay on point.
It's time to stop this train.
Stickers? No! No!
They're all stickers? Oh my God!
I'm still a model, you dumbass!
You better get out of me right now.
I'm going to end it all
by crashing into Union Station
just like in Silver Streak.
‐ But you'll die and I will too.
And all the chains at Union Station.
The Dunkin Donuts
and the Jared's Jeweler‐‐ Jewelry store.
‐ But if I don't have my hobby,
what‐what am I?
Without trains, I might as well be dead.
‐ Korvo, you aren't what you do.
You're who you love. And that's me.
‐ But you have all your own hobbies.
‐ And I wanted to share them
with you, you fool.
Why do you think I started train‐ing
in the first place?
So we could do it together.
‐ Really? Together?
You mean we can be like Stan and Barb
from down the block
that started that homemade
candle company together?
‐ Yes! But not as desperate
and lame as them
because we don't have their debt problems.
‐ Thank you, Terry.
That's all I needed to hear.
I... I will stop being a train.
‐ Alright! Woo!
Wait, why aren't you slowing down?
‐ I'm a long‐ass train.
It takes like ten minutes
to come to a stop.
My‐my‐my brakes are a little rusty.
And I'm dehydrated.
‐ Alright, okay.
It just doesn't seem any slower.
‐ You try slowing down
with this big of a caboose.
‐ Ugh, trains are so dorky.
Cool things stop fast!
Like motorcycles.
Maybe become a motorcycle next time.
Think about that.
What?
Is saving my life boring to you?
You want me to still Silver Streak?
No.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Stupid trains. I'm over it.
Hey!
Ooo‐aaa. Feed Me! Tell me a joke!
‐ Hey! Where are you going with that?
‐ Uhhh‐‐
‐ You're supposed to be
in that edamame line over there.
‐ Sister! We have him but‐‐
‐ He looks like he has lead poisoning
from some kind of fast food novelty glass.
‐ She's good.
I can nurse him back to health.
Everyone! It's a Code Red!
‐ You hear that, Pezlie? We did it.
From now on, this will be a wall of truth.
‐ Let's get you some help, little fella!
‐ This javelina needs a mouth guard.
He's been grinding his teeth, see?
‐ Dude, why would we be here
if we didn't already know that?
‐ Go on, Javelina.
Go where the javelinas go.
Be free out in the woods,
doing javelina things.
‐ We'll text you a reminder
for your six‐month checkup!
‐ See? When we work together,
we can do anything.
‐ Sorry I was a dick back in the Pupa.
‐ I'm sorry too. But, hey, we both got
retainers out of it.
And next time, we'll crawl
under the house before Terry does.
Ech.
‐ Aagh.
‐ Hey, good job cleaning out the Pupes.
He's in a much better mood.
‐ Hmm. He had a javelina in him.
‐ What?
‐ Javelina.
Inside the Pupa, it had your mouth guard?
‐ Yeah, right.
The Pupa's javelina died last year
from accidentally eating some rat poison.
‐ But that means‐‐
It was a ghost!
That's stupid,
there's no such thing as ghosts.
‐ Um, yes, there is, we took one
to the periodontist today.
‐ Why would you not believe in ghosts?
You're a train.
‐ I'm only a train because I lost
my model ray somewhere in Nevada.
I'm reverting back to normal.
It's just going to take a while.
‐ Sorry you don't have
a hobby anymore, Korvo.
‐ It's okay. Terry and I are going
to do a hobby together.
‐ Yay!
And you promised you would make
a real effort to like it.
‐ Yes. Once my body is back.
I promise to like it.
W‐what did you have in mind?
‐ This is my all‐time favorite hobby.
‐ What is? I‐I can't see
what's at the front of the line.
‐ No, this. We're doing it.
‐ Doing what?
‐ Standing in line,
it's my favorite hobby.
‐ What we're doing right now is it?
Y‐y‐you love waiting in lines?
‐ You promised to try!
‐ I know I did!
‐ Korvo!
‐ Whatever.
It's just a dumb line.
I‐I‐I'll give it a chance.
‐ Yeah! Line time, baby!
‐ This is so stupid.
How long are we supposed to stand
in this line anyway?
Wow, w‐we're still here.
Huh, I thought once the credits started,
we'd crash to black and be out of here.
You know what,
once the production cards hit,
we'll be on to the next episode
and this will be done.
Just a little bit longer.