Sliced (2019–2021): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour
MUSIC: Come Down
by Anderson .Paak
What you got there?
Her? No.
Her? No.
Her? Him.
What? Hmm.
Oh...
Quite fit actually. I've got
to change my filter, man.
You should change your profile
pic first. What? Why?
You're not Ian Wright, bro.
Let people enjoy things, man.
HE CHUCKLES
What's all this?
Stop-and-search slips.
Sorry, bro, can't relate.
Black man's burden, innit?
True dat.
Oh, my God.
Look at her, look at her.
Oh...my...days.
This is me.
No, I saw her first, man.
OK, you know what you're doing,
yeah?
Course I know what I'm doing, bro.
Dickhead.
Just tell me what I'm doing exactly.
OK, first, wipe your nose.
And why am I asking you
to wipe your nose?
Because it gets bare sweaty
when I'm horny.
Because it gets sweaty when
you're horny.
Biscuit for you.
Go talk to her, man.
Wait... What should I say?
Doesn't matter what you say, bruv,
just do something
to make her notice you,
but keep it casual, yeah?
She's not a cat, bruv.
OK. Casual, casual.
Casual.
Girls love fat boys that do skills.
Girls love fat boys that do skills.
Oh, your rolls are showing.
Do something else. Do something...
WHACK!
Ugh! Oh! Fuck!
Shit. Ricky...
Jesus. Ricky, open the door.
Did you really just kick
a fucking ball at me?
Me? No. Heh, no.
Yes, you did. Why are you lying?
Why would you even do that?
Are you flipping dumb?
Look, I know you're angry, yeah,
but your nose is bare leaking, bruv.
What?
Your nose is leaking. Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Just, just tilt your head back.
Back...or forward.
No, wait, hold on, hold on.
Fucking hell.
Ah, yes. Use this. Use this.
Put it... It's on your lips.
Look, I'm sorry.
I...
Look, guys what look like me
never really get a chance
to talk to girls what look like you
and I was just being extra.
I'm sorry.
I can see why your girl
kicked you out.
HE SCOFFS
What are you smoking, bruv?
I ain't never had no girlfriend...
..around here.
Here, I don't.
I used to live here,
but I don't any more.
I moved, long time ago,
so this is me
giving back to the
community and that.
You get me? Spreading the wealth.
AFRICAN ACCENT: "It takes a
village to raise a child"
and all that bullshit.
HE CHUCKLES
Joshua! Act your age!
You will poo and leave all
your shit in the toilet
and piss all over my seat,
and just walk out?!
Se o ya were ni?!
I think you might be needing those.
Yeah.
Well, I'm no expert, yeah,
but that did not go well.
I didn't even poo, man.
TOILET FLUSHES
Toasting girls, eh?
There are already eight people
living in this house,
so I can't even afford you!
Three months you have not paid
any rent.
Do you think my food is free?
You are 30 years old! I'm 24.
Gbenu so un! You are 30 years old
and all your boxers
have holes in them.
What kind of a man are you?
Joshua, today, today,
you must bring me £150
or you and your rubbish
will sleep outside.
But I'm your son.
Ah! Joshua, at five years old,
you are my son.
At 30 years old, you are my tenant.
And a 30-year-old who does
not pay rent is a burglar!
Mum, I'm sleeping on a
camp bed across three rooms.
My feet are in the bathroom,
my stomach's in the hallway
and my head is in
Auntie Gbemi's room.
Then I should be charging you
for three rooms!
You see what a good mother I am?
Just bring me my money.
HE SIGHS
Heh-hey, Joshua.
Please, be a gentleman
and pass me that Dettol.
JOSH SIGHS
What do you mean, 20 quid?
I paid 300 for it.
It's not one of them shit
ones that blow up either.
I swear, it's the perfect present.
Yeah, yeah, let me just
program my time machine, innit?
Going way back to,
let me see, 2015...
..when this was a ting.
All right, 40 quid, innit?
30. 39.50.
31.20. 39.
32.50. 38.75.
32.75. 38.50.
33.10. 38.10.
29.50. 29.50?
Deal. What?
You repeated. Rules are rules.
10, 20. 30.
Keep the 50p.
Buy yourself a bag of Space Raider.
They're 25p each. I'll buy two.
Hey, listen, hoverboard man,
see if you come across any
other futuristic items
like Pokemon cards, fidget spinners,
SodaStream or even conkers!
Come see me, innit?
Dickhead.
# Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop... #
I love this one, you know.
# Scoop-di-scoop... #
That's why I'm calling, like,
I know I've got an overdraft,
I'm just asking if you can do me
a favour
and extend it by, like, 150,
just for a little bit.
Yeah, come on, boss.
I know that, that's what I'm...
All right, you don't have...
Yes, man.
All right, fuck off, bruv!
Dickhead.
Fuck's sake.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Who the fuck do you
think you're talking to?!
What, cos man works in a
call centre, I'm some wasteman?
You lot allowed to call back?
Shut up!
If you ever speak to anyone
in life like that again,
I will find you, yeah,
and I will smack you up.
You think I'm your dad
out here, rudeboy?
Remember, I got all
your details, rudeboy.
I can make you poor in 30 seconds.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, let me rephrase
that.
I can make you POORER in 30 seconds,
you hear me?
You hear me?! Yes.
Hey, big man, big man.
Look over your shoulder, innit?
I said look over your shoulder.
Do it. Do it.
I'm looking.
I'm not there, but I'm there,
rudeboy. When you're alone
with your chick, and you think
everything's cool and you're going
to beat it, yeah, I'm not there,
but I'm there, rudeboy!
Dickhead.
Thank you, Tracey.
Cheers.
TENSE MUSIC BUILDS
Leave it.
Don't move.
Wouldn't bother, mate.
You'll pop the case open,
the paint'll go bosh,
all over your new gear.
Aww. Your mum'll go mad. You'll end
up looking like a big fucking smurf.
Not worth it, mate.
Oh! Oi!
Oh, Jesus Christ, I've
done it again, haven't I?
Shit!
CLICK!
Fuck's sake!
Barry is going to go fucking mad.
MUSIC: Afro Trap Part 7
(La Puissance) by MHD
Listen, brother,
why don't you pay your mum
the money using Bitcoin?
Bruv, my mum don't know about
flippin' Bitcoin.
Exactly. Always thinkin', innit?
Dickhead.
Oi! Oi, homeboys! Homeboys!
What time do you call this, huh?
Huh? Because according to my
Rolex Oyster Perpetual Submariner,
which is waterproof up to...
BOTH: 1,000 feet.
..1,000 feet, you're fucking late,
huh?!
Huh?!
What, you don't want talk? Huh?
You don't want talk?
You burn your tongue?
Huh? Mummy's boobie milk too hot?
Agh!
HE WHINES
"Mama, Mama! Your milk, it hurt me!"
OK, number one, get rid of this.
Number two, why is it still here?!
This is Sonya's stuff.
What's happened to Sonya?
Er, let's just say she had a
slight visa problem in that...
..she didn't have one.
Anyway, we have
new controller today.
And don't ask me question, OK?
I'm the big boss, I'm the big balls.
You two are the little balls,
the little Mini Eggs.
You think I joke with you?
You think it's joke?
You think I'm funny? I'm a clown?
I have the... With the nose
and the fuckin' big shoes?
And the bird in the cage?
Argh! Argh! Argh!
You think it's joke?
You want me show you?
Then I show you.
You see this ball?
Fuckin' big. You see next ball?
Still bloody big.
You want main course?
You want main course?
Oh, sorry.
Mi amore! Mi amore, no problem.
Come in, come in. How are you?
Good. I was just looking around,
trying to get my bearings.
MUSIC: Best Part
by Daniel Caesar featuring H.E.R.
DISTANT LAUGHTER
Oh! Ton visage est magnifique.
# You don't know, babe
# When you hold me
# And kiss me slowly
# It's the sweetest thing... #
C'est bon.
What are you doing?
I got a boner, had to tuck it.
Is your dick on the belt I lent you?
Yeah, it's all kind of mad, blud.
Bruv, that's my dad's Louis Vuitton
belt. He's not even your real dad!
Shut up, he's the best uncle-dad
I've ever had.
Hi. I'm Naomi.
JOSH STUTTERS
OK, come on, Pumba,
back to work. OK?
Yes, go. Yalla, yalla, yalla.
Wobble, wobble, wobble.
Love those guys.
Crazy motherfuckers...
..but good guys.
Now, bella, let me outline the
opportunities that exist for
a beautiful lady like you in the...
..fast food business.
Come sit down.
You're on the only seat.
When the life gives you lemons,
dot, dot, dot...
Oh...
You're one of those Weinstein
kind of guys. I get it.
Weinstein! Very clever man.
E = MC squared. Fuckin' smart guy.
Oh! Just like you, then?
Yes. I try. Thank you.
Look, Josh, you need to stop
worrying about this, man.
Bruv, I'm about to get thrown out of
my mum's house. How can I not worry?
Bruv, what did they used
to call me back in school?
Pricky Ricky, BTec Boy,
Newborn Baby Bird Face...
No, Josh, no.
The Magician.
Nobody called you the Magician.
You called yourself the Magician.
You got a T-shirt printed
with "I am the Magician".
And what do magicians do?
That's right - they make things...
..appear.
No, they don't. They make
things disappear, you dickhead.
I've got this.
You are in the Magician's hands now.
Yeah? When have I ever let you down?
Twice a day since reception.
Cool. Well, this is going
to be the first time
I ain't ever going to let you down.
Look in my eyes, bruv.
Look in my eyes, brother.
Look in the Magician's eyes, yeah?
I ain't going to let you down.
I...
..ain't...
..going to...
..let...
..you...
..down.
OK? OK. OK? OK.
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yes!
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah!
Give me a kiss. Fuck off, bruv!
MUSIC: Money Right
by Dizzee Rascal featuring Skepta
WHISTLING
Safe.
All right, yeah?
Why are you not at school?
HORN HONKS
Yo, give me a go on your bike.
Ah, I would, but obviously I ain't
named you as second driver on
the insurance - it would just
be bare legal, you get me?
I'll watch it for you
till you get back.
Make sure no-one tries to t'ief it.
Nah, it's fine, though, man.
I think it'll be cool.
OK, listen, listen, listen.
The wheels on the bus went round
and round, and that was cool...
..until someone took
the fucking wheels.
You get what I'm saying, big man?
Yeah, obviously.
Uh, here's a pound.
A pound? Bruv, it's a pound a wheel.
Are you taking the piss out of me,
big man?
What, you think I'm some
sort of dickhead? Is man mad?
Hey, why are you so angry, bruv?
Look, just come here, look...
What? Are you a sweety man?
No, no, no, no. Come on, man.
Look, you just need a hug.
Listen, mandem need hugs too, bruv.
Mandem need hugs, bruv.
Come, mandem need hugs too.
Trust, trust. There you go.
See? It's cool, man.
You need to lose this anger.
It's not good for you.
You'll have a heart
attack before you're 14
and that's not good for anyone,
brother.
All right? You cool?
Yeah. You good? Yeah, I'm good.
All right, I'll see you later, yeah?
Remember, lose that anger, man.
Bless you, my brother.
What the fuck, man?!
Ah, hold the lift, hold the lift.
Oh, piss off up the stairs.
You need the cardio,
you big fucking lump.
Ugh!
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# Ha-ha
# Just like that... #
KNOCKS THE DOOR
# They never saw it coming... #
KNOCKS THE DOOR
Hello, pizza.
Hello?
I'm coming in. I'm not a thief.
Please do not shoot
or set any dogs on me.
I am also black.
Hello?
You! Stay there!
Don't come any closer or I'll jump.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
I mean it. Don't come any closer.
I will jump.
Why did you order a pizza, man?
Yeah, right, well...
I've thought about this and
I'll be needing a witness.
A witness? Look at me.
Do you think I'll be
seen as a witness?
People like me ain't generally
seen as witnesses, boss.
What? That's outrageous.
You're fucking telling me.
Nah, that's bang out of order.
Innit?
Anyway, see you at the bottom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Listen, listen, mate.
This ain't a good idea, OK?
Look, what's your name?
Scott.
Scott? That's, like...
That's, like,
a young man's name, innit?
With respect, you're kind
of a grandad, like...
It's just... It just sounds weird,
like Grandad Kai
or Nana Rihanna, it's a bit mad,
bruv.
I think we've got more
pressing matters
than my soon-to-be-forgotten name,
don't you?
Yes, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, listen...Scott...
Why are you fucking doing this?
Because I'm sick and tired
of being sick and tired.
I'm sick and tired
of every day being the same
and the ache of the loneliness
that tears through me
and reduces me to nothing.
Still, perfect day for it.
Good and grey, and I'm
wearing her favourite suit.
What, "her"?
Yes.
I can hear her calling for me.
She's telling me it's time.
Who's calling you, mate?
I've been through more shit than
you could possibly imagine
these past few months.
She was the only real comfort
I had and now she's gone.
And now it's time we were reunited.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Look, Scott, Scott, listen, listen,
this person doesn't like you
because you see,
gravity takes you down, yeah?
Not up.
So all that's going to happen is
you're going to drop down there
into some dead car
like a, like a Micra or a Yaris.
Is that how you want to go?
Though a Yaris windscreen?
Eurgh, man!
Eurgh. A Yaris? Exactly.
And then you'll have
a big coco on your head,
so you'll be the ugliest person in
Heaven and then she'll just dash you
up there, innit? Think about it.
A Yaris?
Eh?!
Can you hear that?
Can you hear her?
I can't hear anything, mate.
Of course you can't hear anything
from there. Come closer.
I still can't...
WOMAN: Scott... Scott...
What the fuck?
Scott, my darling.
I await you.
Do it, my love. Let go.
Come and join me in a
duvet of eternal happiness.
Look, whoever you are,
yeah, if he jumps,
he's going to mash himself up.
No, he won't, you mug! Piss off!
What?
Are you taking the piss?
What's going on?
I just want to jump.
Look, Scott, just do me a favour,
yeah, and just don't jump
for, like, two minutes,
just until I come back. Please?
I suppose I could hang on,
although I'm absolutely
busting for a slash.
I'm not leaving till
you open the door.
What are you playing at?
You're scaring my bloody kids.
What do you think YOU'RE playing at?
Do you think I don't know it's you
trying to make that man jump
downstairs?
What? What man? You better piss
off before I call the Old Bill.
Call them, then, bruv.
No face, no case.
Sorry, little man.
I feel your pain still.
Oi, you! Get out my flat, now!
Scott?
One second,
my love, just having a slash.
You still want to call the Old Bill?
Here you are, use my phone.
No, don't be like that.
What do you think you're doing?
Do you think it's funny?
Look, mate, I'll level with ya,
all right?
I'm a single parent with three kids
in a one-bedroom flat.
Him downstairs is an oldie
with three beds he don't need
and since he's always complaining
about having nothing to do
since his missus died,
I thought I'd be a Good Samaritan
and help him jump.
You see, that way, he gets
to spend all of eternity
in the tender embrace
of his loving wife...
..and I get a three-bedroom.
I'll let you have them for 200.
100?
What do you think this is,
fucking Apprentice?
Get out of my shop, man.
I need this favour.
Please. I'm helping a friend.
110?
Oh... I'm sorry, bruv.
You're helping a friend in need,
yeah?
Yeah, his mum's going to kick him
out if he don't pay his rent.
Come, come.
Boo-fuckin'-hoo.
300 or get the fuck out.
300? Deal.
What? You repeated.
Rules are rules.
I'm sorry, Scotty.
I'm at me wits' end up there.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, but you didn't have
to bring your tape measure.
Ah, shit.
I've got to get back to work.
No, Joshua. You saved my life.
You will not leave this flat
without your just reward.
I'll be on me way.
I'll take that pizza, then, shall I?
Get out.
PHONE RINGS
Yo.
Am I a bad man...
..or am I a baddaman?
Bro, I'm busy, man.
Too busy to make money?
Listen, bruv.
I thought to myself, what's current
and what can I sell in front of
a school without looking noncey?
I don't know, Ricky.
Bruv, I'm doing something.
Let me call you back.
Fidget spinners, fam.
My man wanted big money,
but I got 30 boxes for 300, bruv.
Wait, what? You paid £300?!
Call me Alan Sugars, innit?
Bruv, I only needed
150 to pay my rent.
You know when I said
I wouldn't let you down today?
Yeah, I remember.
Please can we try
again tomorrow, please?
Tch. Dickhead.
Right, close your eyes.
No peeping.
Have I got something for you!
Ugh, you ain't going to bring your
willy out, are you?
Cos that shit happens
a lot on deliveries
and I can't be bothered
with all that.
Course not. Open your eyes.
Oh, Scott, man, you didn't have to.
Nonsense. You saved my life.
I am forever in your debt.
Oh, bruv.
What a time to be alive!
JOSH GRUMBLES
What do you mean, you can't take it?
It's money, innit?
I mean, it looks like money,
but it's got all this blue stuff
on it. What is this?
It's the new £50 note. Duh.
This is definitely not the
new £50 note and you know it.
And I'm not taking it.
What don't you understand?
Argh, fam, the
customer is always right,
so take my flipping money
and do your job.
Excuse me, likkle boy?
You come into my place of work
with your dodgy £50 note
and you're telling me to do my job?!
Fine, let's question my job
when the police get here.
Aaargh! Shit! Help me.
Get a doctor, please!
Call an ambulance!
Argh, my pullover...
What now? I'm having a heart attack.
You are not having a heart attack.
How you know?
Cos your heart's on
the other side, dummy.
Is it? "Is it?"
Argh, shit!
Fine. The police will know what
to do with your heart attack.
Why you such a snitch, man?
Shame on you!
No, shame on you! No, shame on you!
999. No, no, no, shame on no-one.
No, no, no. Hello? Hello, hello,
don't worry about it. Night-night.
Look, look listen.
Naomi, there's no need for the popo.
Look, I know this guy.
I know this guy.
I'm sure this is just a big
misunderstanding that we can fix
quick-quick, right, brother?
What's it got to do with you, blud?!
Hello, mate. Hello.
Listen, come and have
a quick chat in the back.
Seriously, we can sort this out.
I'll make it worth your while.
You'll make it worth
my while, yeah? Yeah.
All right. Cool.
No sweety man business, though,
cos I'll bang you both in the face.
Little man, you need to relax.
You're going to have a heart attack.
I told him that.
Yeah, man, safe.
This is a good deal.
You know, I like you guys.
Got good heart.
Hey, we need more men like you.
You know what?
Here's a little
something-something, yeah?
Where'd you get this wallet?
Don't bite the hand that feeds you,
you understand?
Thing is, if you need any more
blue money, yeah? You hit me up.
Understand?
All right, cool. See ya.
What?
Crazy kid.
Erm, I could've handled
that myself, Joshua.
I didn't need you to step in like
you did, like I don't have balls.
But...thank you for having my back.
HE CHUCKLES
It's cool, man. TBF, I'm just
glad you ain't got balls, innit?
Do you want a lift home?
I've got a spare helmet.
Er... That might be fun,
but my friend's
coming to pick me up.
Ah, OK.
Oh, how about us...us four,
we go bowling?
You know, it's only 4.30
and it will be on us. Er...
Slushies, slushies?
Slushies. Mixed slushies.
Red or blue? Fuck it,
you can have them both.
I ain't going to lie,
I do like a slushy.
Erm... I'll see if she's up for it.
Yeah, cool, cool.
Bruv, you can't just set me up
with some random girl.
I'm not winging you if she's dead.
Not again, I swear.
Bruv, how am I supposed
to go bowling on my own?
I can't even fucking bowl.
I'll look like a dickhead.
Fam, the last girl I winged you with
made me get a tattoo of
her son's name on my calf.
Who the fuck is Tyrese?
Exactly! I'm not doing it.
OK, we're in.
This is my friend, Tika.
Bruv... This is not good.
Motherfucker.
There you go, Mum.
Not one, but two months' rent.
Yes. Sit down, oga. My boy.
Thanks, Mummy. Tonight, you
have the lay of the land.
Can you see the positive effects
of being the man of the house? Eh?
DOORBELL RINGS
Ooh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Relax yourself.
This is how the man
of the house is rewarded.
Tonight, we shall feast on Chinese!
How much, darling? £28.40, my love.
Are you taking the piss?
What do mean? What's the problem?
I can't take this. Look at it.
It's the new £50 note.
I'm sorry, love.
This is not the new £50 note.
Shit. If my son says it's the new
£50 note, it's the new £50 note.
Oh, yeah, it's new.
It's newly stolen.
JOSHUAAAA!
HE SIGHS
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hey, big man.
Just phoning to say goodnight,
innit.
Yeah? Sweet Dreams and all of that.
Yeah. Don't forget, make sure you
sleep with one eye open, yeah?
Yeah? Suck your thumb.
What? Suck your thumb and
close your eyes, rude boy!
Close your eyes. Yeah.
Clever boy. Rusk for you,
you little dickhead.
# I think I lost my mind
# I can't find that shit
# I'm reckless in this life I live
# I don't think sometimes
# I don't even know why
# Baby, I just live my life
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# Baby gyal, I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I like to kiss and cuddle,
and what?
# Still a baddaman pon
da baddaman block. #
strong language and adult humour
MUSIC: Come Down
by Anderson .Paak
What you got there?
Her? No.
Her? No.
Her? Him.
What? Hmm.
Oh...
Quite fit actually. I've got
to change my filter, man.
You should change your profile
pic first. What? Why?
You're not Ian Wright, bro.
Let people enjoy things, man.
HE CHUCKLES
What's all this?
Stop-and-search slips.
Sorry, bro, can't relate.
Black man's burden, innit?
True dat.
Oh, my God.
Look at her, look at her.
Oh...my...days.
This is me.
No, I saw her first, man.
OK, you know what you're doing,
yeah?
Course I know what I'm doing, bro.
Dickhead.
Just tell me what I'm doing exactly.
OK, first, wipe your nose.
And why am I asking you
to wipe your nose?
Because it gets bare sweaty
when I'm horny.
Because it gets sweaty when
you're horny.
Biscuit for you.
Go talk to her, man.
Wait... What should I say?
Doesn't matter what you say, bruv,
just do something
to make her notice you,
but keep it casual, yeah?
She's not a cat, bruv.
OK. Casual, casual.
Casual.
Girls love fat boys that do skills.
Girls love fat boys that do skills.
Oh, your rolls are showing.
Do something else. Do something...
WHACK!
Ugh! Oh! Fuck!
Shit. Ricky...
Jesus. Ricky, open the door.
Did you really just kick
a fucking ball at me?
Me? No. Heh, no.
Yes, you did. Why are you lying?
Why would you even do that?
Are you flipping dumb?
Look, I know you're angry, yeah,
but your nose is bare leaking, bruv.
What?
Your nose is leaking. Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Just, just tilt your head back.
Back...or forward.
No, wait, hold on, hold on.
Fucking hell.
Ah, yes. Use this. Use this.
Put it... It's on your lips.
Look, I'm sorry.
I...
Look, guys what look like me
never really get a chance
to talk to girls what look like you
and I was just being extra.
I'm sorry.
I can see why your girl
kicked you out.
HE SCOFFS
What are you smoking, bruv?
I ain't never had no girlfriend...
..around here.
Here, I don't.
I used to live here,
but I don't any more.
I moved, long time ago,
so this is me
giving back to the
community and that.
You get me? Spreading the wealth.
AFRICAN ACCENT: "It takes a
village to raise a child"
and all that bullshit.
HE CHUCKLES
Joshua! Act your age!
You will poo and leave all
your shit in the toilet
and piss all over my seat,
and just walk out?!
Se o ya were ni?!
I think you might be needing those.
Yeah.
Well, I'm no expert, yeah,
but that did not go well.
I didn't even poo, man.
TOILET FLUSHES
Toasting girls, eh?
There are already eight people
living in this house,
so I can't even afford you!
Three months you have not paid
any rent.
Do you think my food is free?
You are 30 years old! I'm 24.
Gbenu so un! You are 30 years old
and all your boxers
have holes in them.
What kind of a man are you?
Joshua, today, today,
you must bring me £150
or you and your rubbish
will sleep outside.
But I'm your son.
Ah! Joshua, at five years old,
you are my son.
At 30 years old, you are my tenant.
And a 30-year-old who does
not pay rent is a burglar!
Mum, I'm sleeping on a
camp bed across three rooms.
My feet are in the bathroom,
my stomach's in the hallway
and my head is in
Auntie Gbemi's room.
Then I should be charging you
for three rooms!
You see what a good mother I am?
Just bring me my money.
HE SIGHS
Heh-hey, Joshua.
Please, be a gentleman
and pass me that Dettol.
JOSH SIGHS
What do you mean, 20 quid?
I paid 300 for it.
It's not one of them shit
ones that blow up either.
I swear, it's the perfect present.
Yeah, yeah, let me just
program my time machine, innit?
Going way back to,
let me see, 2015...
..when this was a ting.
All right, 40 quid, innit?
30. 39.50.
31.20. 39.
32.50. 38.75.
32.75. 38.50.
33.10. 38.10.
29.50. 29.50?
Deal. What?
You repeated. Rules are rules.
10, 20. 30.
Keep the 50p.
Buy yourself a bag of Space Raider.
They're 25p each. I'll buy two.
Hey, listen, hoverboard man,
see if you come across any
other futuristic items
like Pokemon cards, fidget spinners,
SodaStream or even conkers!
Come see me, innit?
Dickhead.
# Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop... #
I love this one, you know.
# Scoop-di-scoop... #
That's why I'm calling, like,
I know I've got an overdraft,
I'm just asking if you can do me
a favour
and extend it by, like, 150,
just for a little bit.
Yeah, come on, boss.
I know that, that's what I'm...
All right, you don't have...
Yes, man.
All right, fuck off, bruv!
Dickhead.
Fuck's sake.
PHONE RINGS
Hello? Who the fuck do you
think you're talking to?!
What, cos man works in a
call centre, I'm some wasteman?
You lot allowed to call back?
Shut up!
If you ever speak to anyone
in life like that again,
I will find you, yeah,
and I will smack you up.
You think I'm your dad
out here, rudeboy?
Remember, I got all
your details, rudeboy.
I can make you poor in 30 seconds.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, let me rephrase
that.
I can make you POORER in 30 seconds,
you hear me?
You hear me?! Yes.
Hey, big man, big man.
Look over your shoulder, innit?
I said look over your shoulder.
Do it. Do it.
I'm looking.
I'm not there, but I'm there,
rudeboy. When you're alone
with your chick, and you think
everything's cool and you're going
to beat it, yeah, I'm not there,
but I'm there, rudeboy!
Dickhead.
Thank you, Tracey.
Cheers.
TENSE MUSIC BUILDS
Leave it.
Don't move.
Wouldn't bother, mate.
You'll pop the case open,
the paint'll go bosh,
all over your new gear.
Aww. Your mum'll go mad. You'll end
up looking like a big fucking smurf.
Not worth it, mate.
Oh! Oi!
Oh, Jesus Christ, I've
done it again, haven't I?
Shit!
CLICK!
Fuck's sake!
Barry is going to go fucking mad.
MUSIC: Afro Trap Part 7
(La Puissance) by MHD
Listen, brother,
why don't you pay your mum
the money using Bitcoin?
Bruv, my mum don't know about
flippin' Bitcoin.
Exactly. Always thinkin', innit?
Dickhead.
Oi! Oi, homeboys! Homeboys!
What time do you call this, huh?
Huh? Because according to my
Rolex Oyster Perpetual Submariner,
which is waterproof up to...
BOTH: 1,000 feet.
..1,000 feet, you're fucking late,
huh?!
Huh?!
What, you don't want talk? Huh?
You don't want talk?
You burn your tongue?
Huh? Mummy's boobie milk too hot?
Agh!
HE WHINES
"Mama, Mama! Your milk, it hurt me!"
OK, number one, get rid of this.
Number two, why is it still here?!
This is Sonya's stuff.
What's happened to Sonya?
Er, let's just say she had a
slight visa problem in that...
..she didn't have one.
Anyway, we have
new controller today.
And don't ask me question, OK?
I'm the big boss, I'm the big balls.
You two are the little balls,
the little Mini Eggs.
You think I joke with you?
You think it's joke?
You think I'm funny? I'm a clown?
I have the... With the nose
and the fuckin' big shoes?
And the bird in the cage?
Argh! Argh! Argh!
You think it's joke?
You want me show you?
Then I show you.
You see this ball?
Fuckin' big. You see next ball?
Still bloody big.
You want main course?
You want main course?
Oh, sorry.
Mi amore! Mi amore, no problem.
Come in, come in. How are you?
Good. I was just looking around,
trying to get my bearings.
MUSIC: Best Part
by Daniel Caesar featuring H.E.R.
DISTANT LAUGHTER
Oh! Ton visage est magnifique.
# You don't know, babe
# When you hold me
# And kiss me slowly
# It's the sweetest thing... #
C'est bon.
What are you doing?
I got a boner, had to tuck it.
Is your dick on the belt I lent you?
Yeah, it's all kind of mad, blud.
Bruv, that's my dad's Louis Vuitton
belt. He's not even your real dad!
Shut up, he's the best uncle-dad
I've ever had.
Hi. I'm Naomi.
JOSH STUTTERS
OK, come on, Pumba,
back to work. OK?
Yes, go. Yalla, yalla, yalla.
Wobble, wobble, wobble.
Love those guys.
Crazy motherfuckers...
..but good guys.
Now, bella, let me outline the
opportunities that exist for
a beautiful lady like you in the...
..fast food business.
Come sit down.
You're on the only seat.
When the life gives you lemons,
dot, dot, dot...
Oh...
You're one of those Weinstein
kind of guys. I get it.
Weinstein! Very clever man.
E = MC squared. Fuckin' smart guy.
Oh! Just like you, then?
Yes. I try. Thank you.
Look, Josh, you need to stop
worrying about this, man.
Bruv, I'm about to get thrown out of
my mum's house. How can I not worry?
Bruv, what did they used
to call me back in school?
Pricky Ricky, BTec Boy,
Newborn Baby Bird Face...
No, Josh, no.
The Magician.
Nobody called you the Magician.
You called yourself the Magician.
You got a T-shirt printed
with "I am the Magician".
And what do magicians do?
That's right - they make things...
..appear.
No, they don't. They make
things disappear, you dickhead.
I've got this.
You are in the Magician's hands now.
Yeah? When have I ever let you down?
Twice a day since reception.
Cool. Well, this is going
to be the first time
I ain't ever going to let you down.
Look in my eyes, bruv.
Look in my eyes, brother.
Look in the Magician's eyes, yeah?
I ain't going to let you down.
I...
..ain't...
..going to...
..let...
..you...
..down.
OK? OK. OK? OK.
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yes!
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah!
Give me a kiss. Fuck off, bruv!
MUSIC: Money Right
by Dizzee Rascal featuring Skepta
WHISTLING
Safe.
All right, yeah?
Why are you not at school?
HORN HONKS
Yo, give me a go on your bike.
Ah, I would, but obviously I ain't
named you as second driver on
the insurance - it would just
be bare legal, you get me?
I'll watch it for you
till you get back.
Make sure no-one tries to t'ief it.
Nah, it's fine, though, man.
I think it'll be cool.
OK, listen, listen, listen.
The wheels on the bus went round
and round, and that was cool...
..until someone took
the fucking wheels.
You get what I'm saying, big man?
Yeah, obviously.
Uh, here's a pound.
A pound? Bruv, it's a pound a wheel.
Are you taking the piss out of me,
big man?
What, you think I'm some
sort of dickhead? Is man mad?
Hey, why are you so angry, bruv?
Look, just come here, look...
What? Are you a sweety man?
No, no, no, no. Come on, man.
Look, you just need a hug.
Listen, mandem need hugs too, bruv.
Mandem need hugs, bruv.
Come, mandem need hugs too.
Trust, trust. There you go.
See? It's cool, man.
You need to lose this anger.
It's not good for you.
You'll have a heart
attack before you're 14
and that's not good for anyone,
brother.
All right? You cool?
Yeah. You good? Yeah, I'm good.
All right, I'll see you later, yeah?
Remember, lose that anger, man.
Bless you, my brother.
What the fuck, man?!
Ah, hold the lift, hold the lift.
Oh, piss off up the stairs.
You need the cardio,
you big fucking lump.
Ugh!
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# My money right
# Wait till I get my money right
# Ha-ha
# Just like that... #
KNOCKS THE DOOR
# They never saw it coming... #
KNOCKS THE DOOR
Hello, pizza.
Hello?
I'm coming in. I'm not a thief.
Please do not shoot
or set any dogs on me.
I am also black.
Hello?
You! Stay there!
Don't come any closer or I'll jump.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
I mean it. Don't come any closer.
I will jump.
Why did you order a pizza, man?
Yeah, right, well...
I've thought about this and
I'll be needing a witness.
A witness? Look at me.
Do you think I'll be
seen as a witness?
People like me ain't generally
seen as witnesses, boss.
What? That's outrageous.
You're fucking telling me.
Nah, that's bang out of order.
Innit?
Anyway, see you at the bottom.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Listen, listen, mate.
This ain't a good idea, OK?
Look, what's your name?
Scott.
Scott? That's, like...
That's, like,
a young man's name, innit?
With respect, you're kind
of a grandad, like...
It's just... It just sounds weird,
like Grandad Kai
or Nana Rihanna, it's a bit mad,
bruv.
I think we've got more
pressing matters
than my soon-to-be-forgotten name,
don't you?
Yes, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, listen...Scott...
Why are you fucking doing this?
Because I'm sick and tired
of being sick and tired.
I'm sick and tired
of every day being the same
and the ache of the loneliness
that tears through me
and reduces me to nothing.
Still, perfect day for it.
Good and grey, and I'm
wearing her favourite suit.
What, "her"?
Yes.
I can hear her calling for me.
She's telling me it's time.
Who's calling you, mate?
I've been through more shit than
you could possibly imagine
these past few months.
She was the only real comfort
I had and now she's gone.
And now it's time we were reunited.
No, no, no! No, no, no, no!
Look, Scott, Scott, listen, listen,
this person doesn't like you
because you see,
gravity takes you down, yeah?
Not up.
So all that's going to happen is
you're going to drop down there
into some dead car
like a, like a Micra or a Yaris.
Is that how you want to go?
Though a Yaris windscreen?
Eurgh, man!
Eurgh. A Yaris? Exactly.
And then you'll have
a big coco on your head,
so you'll be the ugliest person in
Heaven and then she'll just dash you
up there, innit? Think about it.
A Yaris?
Eh?!
Can you hear that?
Can you hear her?
I can't hear anything, mate.
Of course you can't hear anything
from there. Come closer.
I still can't...
WOMAN: Scott... Scott...
What the fuck?
Scott, my darling.
I await you.
Do it, my love. Let go.
Come and join me in a
duvet of eternal happiness.
Look, whoever you are,
yeah, if he jumps,
he's going to mash himself up.
No, he won't, you mug! Piss off!
What?
Are you taking the piss?
What's going on?
I just want to jump.
Look, Scott, just do me a favour,
yeah, and just don't jump
for, like, two minutes,
just until I come back. Please?
I suppose I could hang on,
although I'm absolutely
busting for a slash.
I'm not leaving till
you open the door.
What are you playing at?
You're scaring my bloody kids.
What do you think YOU'RE playing at?
Do you think I don't know it's you
trying to make that man jump
downstairs?
What? What man? You better piss
off before I call the Old Bill.
Call them, then, bruv.
No face, no case.
Sorry, little man.
I feel your pain still.
Oi, you! Get out my flat, now!
Scott?
One second,
my love, just having a slash.
You still want to call the Old Bill?
Here you are, use my phone.
No, don't be like that.
What do you think you're doing?
Do you think it's funny?
Look, mate, I'll level with ya,
all right?
I'm a single parent with three kids
in a one-bedroom flat.
Him downstairs is an oldie
with three beds he don't need
and since he's always complaining
about having nothing to do
since his missus died,
I thought I'd be a Good Samaritan
and help him jump.
You see, that way, he gets
to spend all of eternity
in the tender embrace
of his loving wife...
..and I get a three-bedroom.
I'll let you have them for 200.
100?
What do you think this is,
fucking Apprentice?
Get out of my shop, man.
I need this favour.
Please. I'm helping a friend.
110?
Oh... I'm sorry, bruv.
You're helping a friend in need,
yeah?
Yeah, his mum's going to kick him
out if he don't pay his rent.
Come, come.
Boo-fuckin'-hoo.
300 or get the fuck out.
300? Deal.
What? You repeated.
Rules are rules.
I'm sorry, Scotty.
I'm at me wits' end up there.
I didn't know what to do.
Yeah, but you didn't have
to bring your tape measure.
Ah, shit.
I've got to get back to work.
No, Joshua. You saved my life.
You will not leave this flat
without your just reward.
I'll be on me way.
I'll take that pizza, then, shall I?
Get out.
PHONE RINGS
Yo.
Am I a bad man...
..or am I a baddaman?
Bro, I'm busy, man.
Too busy to make money?
Listen, bruv.
I thought to myself, what's current
and what can I sell in front of
a school without looking noncey?
I don't know, Ricky.
Bruv, I'm doing something.
Let me call you back.
Fidget spinners, fam.
My man wanted big money,
but I got 30 boxes for 300, bruv.
Wait, what? You paid £300?!
Call me Alan Sugars, innit?
Bruv, I only needed
150 to pay my rent.
You know when I said
I wouldn't let you down today?
Yeah, I remember.
Please can we try
again tomorrow, please?
Tch. Dickhead.
Right, close your eyes.
No peeping.
Have I got something for you!
Ugh, you ain't going to bring your
willy out, are you?
Cos that shit happens
a lot on deliveries
and I can't be bothered
with all that.
Course not. Open your eyes.
Oh, Scott, man, you didn't have to.
Nonsense. You saved my life.
I am forever in your debt.
Oh, bruv.
What a time to be alive!
JOSH GRUMBLES
What do you mean, you can't take it?
It's money, innit?
I mean, it looks like money,
but it's got all this blue stuff
on it. What is this?
It's the new £50 note. Duh.
This is definitely not the
new £50 note and you know it.
And I'm not taking it.
What don't you understand?
Argh, fam, the
customer is always right,
so take my flipping money
and do your job.
Excuse me, likkle boy?
You come into my place of work
with your dodgy £50 note
and you're telling me to do my job?!
Fine, let's question my job
when the police get here.
Aaargh! Shit! Help me.
Get a doctor, please!
Call an ambulance!
Argh, my pullover...
What now? I'm having a heart attack.
You are not having a heart attack.
How you know?
Cos your heart's on
the other side, dummy.
Is it? "Is it?"
Argh, shit!
Fine. The police will know what
to do with your heart attack.
Why you such a snitch, man?
Shame on you!
No, shame on you! No, shame on you!
999. No, no, no, shame on no-one.
No, no, no. Hello? Hello, hello,
don't worry about it. Night-night.
Look, look listen.
Naomi, there's no need for the popo.
Look, I know this guy.
I know this guy.
I'm sure this is just a big
misunderstanding that we can fix
quick-quick, right, brother?
What's it got to do with you, blud?!
Hello, mate. Hello.
Listen, come and have
a quick chat in the back.
Seriously, we can sort this out.
I'll make it worth your while.
You'll make it worth
my while, yeah? Yeah.
All right. Cool.
No sweety man business, though,
cos I'll bang you both in the face.
Little man, you need to relax.
You're going to have a heart attack.
I told him that.
Yeah, man, safe.
This is a good deal.
You know, I like you guys.
Got good heart.
Hey, we need more men like you.
You know what?
Here's a little
something-something, yeah?
Where'd you get this wallet?
Don't bite the hand that feeds you,
you understand?
Thing is, if you need any more
blue money, yeah? You hit me up.
Understand?
All right, cool. See ya.
What?
Crazy kid.
Erm, I could've handled
that myself, Joshua.
I didn't need you to step in like
you did, like I don't have balls.
But...thank you for having my back.
HE CHUCKLES
It's cool, man. TBF, I'm just
glad you ain't got balls, innit?
Do you want a lift home?
I've got a spare helmet.
Er... That might be fun,
but my friend's
coming to pick me up.
Ah, OK.
Oh, how about us...us four,
we go bowling?
You know, it's only 4.30
and it will be on us. Er...
Slushies, slushies?
Slushies. Mixed slushies.
Red or blue? Fuck it,
you can have them both.
I ain't going to lie,
I do like a slushy.
Erm... I'll see if she's up for it.
Yeah, cool, cool.
Bruv, you can't just set me up
with some random girl.
I'm not winging you if she's dead.
Not again, I swear.
Bruv, how am I supposed
to go bowling on my own?
I can't even fucking bowl.
I'll look like a dickhead.
Fam, the last girl I winged you with
made me get a tattoo of
her son's name on my calf.
Who the fuck is Tyrese?
Exactly! I'm not doing it.
OK, we're in.
This is my friend, Tika.
Bruv... This is not good.
Motherfucker.
There you go, Mum.
Not one, but two months' rent.
Yes. Sit down, oga. My boy.
Thanks, Mummy. Tonight, you
have the lay of the land.
Can you see the positive effects
of being the man of the house? Eh?
DOORBELL RINGS
Ooh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Relax yourself.
This is how the man
of the house is rewarded.
Tonight, we shall feast on Chinese!
How much, darling? £28.40, my love.
Are you taking the piss?
What do mean? What's the problem?
I can't take this. Look at it.
It's the new £50 note.
I'm sorry, love.
This is not the new £50 note.
Shit. If my son says it's the new
£50 note, it's the new £50 note.
Oh, yeah, it's new.
It's newly stolen.
JOSHUAAAA!
HE SIGHS
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Hey, big man.
Just phoning to say goodnight,
innit.
Yeah? Sweet Dreams and all of that.
Yeah. Don't forget, make sure you
sleep with one eye open, yeah?
Yeah? Suck your thumb.
What? Suck your thumb and
close your eyes, rude boy!
Close your eyes. Yeah.
Clever boy. Rusk for you,
you little dickhead.
# I think I lost my mind
# I can't find that shit
# I'm reckless in this life I live
# I don't think sometimes
# I don't even know why
# Baby, I just live my life
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# Baby gyal, I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I just do what I wanna,
when I wanna, how I wanna
# I like to kiss and cuddle,
and what?
# Still a baddaman pon
da baddaman block. #